A couple days ago a friend of mine asked me about my approach to the Scripture passages on marital submission. He had just spoken with a fellow student who felt that, while most of the Bible offered hope and redemption to the world, this particular topic has served to perpetuate evil and oppression.

Following the conversation, my friend appealed to me for insight since the perspective of a male carries a little less weight on this topic. Below is a version of the e-mail I wrote in response. I decided to post it today because these passages are indeed difficult and have certainly been abused, but given that Christians do not have the option to ignore them or erase them, we must find a way to engage them such that they cohere with the whole of the Bible. What follows is my approach:

This is a topic I have thought a lot about. I wrote a little about it on my blog, so you can check that out if you want. That particular post deals with authority in general, but at the end I address marital submission. (Click here for that link)

Now in regard to your friend, I think she is confusing submission with oppression. Submission does not mean being a doormat for your husband’s every whim, and it does not legitimize emotional and physical abuse. In light of the way women are treated around the world, that is a very important distinction to make.

Overall, the goal of submission is not blind obedience to your husband. The goal is to build him up as a godly leader. That said, if you simply do everything he tells you without ever questioning or challenging him or holding him accountable, then you’re not really building him up as a godly leader. A husband needs to receive input and wise counsel; he needs an alternative perspective from someone that God created to complement his gifts and personality. Submission cannot, therefore, exclude these things. If it does, then it fails to achieve its ultimate goal.

Similarly, remaining in an abusive relationship does not build up a husband either. Rather, it facilitates his sin, so out of love for her husband and herself, a wife should not enable that behavior to continue by remaining in that relationship. It will not only destroy her, but her husband as well.

There is also another important distinction between godly submission and abuse, and that is the presence of power. In godly submission, a woman has the option not to submit. She can choose not to listen to her husband, or resist his leading–but out of respect for his leadership, she does not exercise that power. (In much the same way that we use our freedom in Christ to become a slave to Christ) So in her freedom she chooses to submit.

Conversely, abuse implies force. In the case of oppression, a woman is stripped of her power. The woman has no choice in the matter–she is trapped by an unhealthy relationship or culture, and has no other option. So whereas submission involves the exercise of freedom, abuse involves the absence of it.

I could write a whole lot more but this is getting long so I will end with this–when you look at the Scriptural commands to husbands, and then look at the Scriptural commands to wives, it’s kind of laughable that women get so upset over what we have to do. You guys have MUCH more responsibility–in addition to all the ways you have to care for us, you are ultimately asked to LAY YOUR LIVES DOWN for us, and that is no small thing. (Eph. 5:22-33)

So given the many, many, many things that God requires of husbands, I have little hesitation in submitting to someone who has been asked to lay his life down for me, given that he’ll be putting my best interest first. This is not a matter of equality or ability–submission is rather a means for accessing God’s provision for women. God desires that men care for us, but we must let them.

No, this is not going to play out perfectly every time because men are sinful and will act selfishly sometimes. But, I find much greater peace in trusting God’s teachings on submission than in trying to control my life all by myself, and constantly making sure that no one takes advantage of me. That is a dismally paranoid and perpetually guarded way to live.

In closing, I want to add 2 things. One–it cannot be restated enough that marriage is to imitate the relationship between Christ and the Church. That said, if you have a problem with submission as it is understood within the context of Scripture, then you must address a greater theological issue. Marriage is designed to reflect Christ and the Church, and the Church submits to Christ, which means that godly marriages must reflect this dynamic as well. To deny the goodness of submission within marriage is to deny the goodness of the Church’s submission to Christ.

Two–I feel compelled to reiterate that submission is meant to create freedom, not oppression, so in the event that someone uses Scripture to legitimize abuse, they are no longer speaking of submission as Scripture understands it. Submission and abuse of any kind are not the same and must never be confused.

So there you have it. A brief examination of a very complex subject, but hopefully this has been helpful for some of you. Given the degree to which these passages have been perverted, it is important to understand them in a healthy way, especially since these perversions have led Christians to ignore the passages altogether. But if we believe that the Bible is the Word of God, then that is a move we are never permitted to make. So we must instead confront the Scriptures head on, and figure out how they fit into the larger paradigm of a God who comes to bring life and hope. Even passages on submission carry such a message.

(Sorry to disappoint some of you, but the title is referring to something other than what you might be thinking…)

One of my all time favorite movies is the teen comedy/satire Mean Girls. Although the movie has its share of crude language and humor, I love watching it because it portrays the destructive power of female cattiness so perfectly. It is a clever and telling illustration of human fallenness, and the way in which that fallenness has resulted in broken relationships.

In case you are not familiar with the plot, the movie is about a teenage girl who has been homeschooled in Africa for her entire life, until her parents move back to the States and she is thrust into an American high school. What she discovers is that the jungles of Africa are not unlike the jungles of high school. Like the African savannah, high school is all about survival of the fittest, and the girls seem to be most adept at this game.

The analogy between Africa and high school is a brilliant one to make. I’m sure we can all remember wanting to fit in, and the measures we took to attain that goal. Unfortunately, this sometimes occured at another’s expense, and that is the conflict of Mean Girls–the young girl so desperately desires to be popular that she tramples on any one and everyone to get there.

Well as perfectly as this movie depicts the high school experience, I have to admit that it also depicts the more general female experience in life. For me, that cattiness did not end in high school–it followed me on into college, into adulthood, and even into the church.

As much as I would like to say that the meanest girls of all were the immature teeny-boppers from high school, I must confess that the worst treatment I have ever received was at the hands of other Christian women. And I know I am not alone in this. When it comes to female fellowship, this is one area in which we are not being a light to the culture. On the contrary, we could learn a thing or two about loyalty from the women on Sex and the City, and when it has come to that, we are at a very bad place.

For some reason, our identities in Christ have not set us free from competition and cliques. Instead, we have continued those behaviors, but under the banner of Christ, which is all the more detestable. Using the subtle tactics of manipulation, we hurt others to get ahead. We “forget” to invite one another to social events, we exclude one another from Bible studies, and we become territorial about our male friends.

And while we may try to excuse our actions, claiming, “I didn’t know that would hurt her feelings” or “I just didn’t think to invite her,” deep down we knew all along. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought, “She might perceive this the wrong way” or “If I say this to her it might hurt her,” but considering my friend’s feelings meant making a sacrifice of time and energy that I was not willing to give, so I instead did what I wanted at her expense.

So I will be the first to admit that I have participated in this kind of ungodly behavior. I will also be the first to admit that it is unacceptable. Ladies, we are sisters in Christ, not enemies in the competition to find a husband. We are not rivals in some Christian popularity contest to be the best Bible study leader, worship team singer, wife, or mom. In theory, we have been released from all of those strivings, but we instead perpetuate them all the more.

Most likely, you know very well if you have ever bought into those lies. You know if you have hurt someone in the past for your own selfish gain. In fact, it may not have even bothered you at the time. That is perhaps the most appalling thing of all–we can hurt our sisters in Christ without batting an eye. This should disturb us greatly, because that kind of behavior, a behavior in which we are willing to steal, kill and destroy all for our own sake, comes directly from Satan.

As I write this, I have to admit that it is coming from a place of anger and frustration in my heart–I recently spoke with a young woman who has been hurt by her friends for no good reason at all, but hers is not the first story I have heard. I have had many, many conversations with young women who have been trampled by their Christian friends, and after awhile, it gets old. As a minister to women, it is frustrating to feel as though I’m working against other Christians, rather than with them. My job would be considerably easier if women didn’t hurt each other so much.

BUT, my anger does not legitimize bitterness, and this is an area in which Christian women struggle just as much. When someone hurts us, especially someone we trusted because of their professed faith in Christ, it is hard to move past that wound. However, the way in which we respond to such situations says just as much about our faith in Christ as it does when we willingly hurt others. Just because someone hurts you does not permit you to slander them. Nor is it healthy to ignore or ostracize that person when you see them in church. I have tried all of those tactics, and they only serve to cement the bitterness, rather than dissolve it. What’s more, they secure division, instead of moving toward reconciliation.

That said, we must accept the reality that as long as the Church is populated by sinners, we are going to be hurt by our Christian friends. And while that does not excuse the behavior, we need to set our minds on the best way to redeem such circumstances. When you get hurt, will you wallow in self pity and spend countless hours thinking about what a hypocrite your friend is, or will you love them anyway, in the same way that Christ loved you? Will you harbor bitterness in your heart, or will you forgive them seventy times seven, given the infinite sin God has forgiven you?

We may not be able to control whether or not someone hurts us, but we can control two things: 1) Whether we hurt another person, and 2) Whether we will stop the cycle when someone hurts us. What it ultimately comes down to is that we as women need to take more ownership in the integrity of the Church. Too often we forget that we are all leaders and ministers of the Gospel–we are half of the Church’s very identity, after all, so we have a powerful hand in the Church’s work. We can either strengthen the Church’s witness, or poison it, but it is up to us. So let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that one small wound to another sister’s heart is of little consequence. On the contrary, in doing so we have tarnished the very name of Christ. Let us love one another with that degree of reverence and urgency.