The Tuesday morning before I spoke on 1 Corinthians 5, I told someone I was going to be speaking about sex in the church. They stared back at me with a shocked look on their face and said “Sex IN a church?” I quickly cleared up that misunderstanding. My message was about sexual immorality within the Church Body, not about having sex in a church. Sorry to disappoint some of you.

Below I am posting the audio from that message. It deals with the Christian reponse to sin within the Body of Christ. How are we to treat other Christians when they seem to be rejecting Christ with their lifestyle? Paul comes to a tough conclusion, but it’s one worth hearing.

Because it’s a difficult topic, I was wary of producing a formula for ALL instances of Church discipline, so if you have a question or situation that my talk didn’t cover, feel free to post it here!

You can download the mp3 version of the sermon here.

* The device I used to record this talk died about a minute or two before my talk ended, so when it cuts off it’s not because of your internet.

Last night I spoke on a passage of Scripture that I hope to never have to teach again–1 Corinthians 5. In case you need a refresher, it’s about the man who is sleeping with his father’s wife. I’m not quite sure if that’s referring to his step-mom or his own mom (I’m gonna give him the benefit of a doubt and go with the former) but either way Paul is about to blow a fuse. His conclusion is to “hand the man over to Satan.”

 Like I said, a super fun passage to teach on.

Since a lot of you have requested that I post some of my talks online to hear, I’ll be posting the audio in the next couple of days. Until then, I wanted to mention one lesson that jumped out at me as I prepared this message. It addresses the question of whether we are called to judge others.

The concept of judging isn’t super popular right now. In fact, most people, Christians included, want to be anything BUT “judgmental.” You might as well be labeled “racist” or “bigot.” The term has that much of a derogatory stigma attached to it.

And that’s what makes 1 Corinthians 5 so scandalous–Paul commands the Corinthians to judge the man in sin. Paul doesn’t even wait until he can get to Corinth so that he can meet the man and find out if he had a bad relationship with his dad that drove him into this adulterous affair. On the contrary, Paul already knows everything he needs to know about the situation–the man’s behavior is seriously jacked up, and he needs to quit it.

This is a tough teaching for most Christians. We don’t want people to think of us as “those crazy narrow-minded Baptists” so we shy away from taking hard stances on things, and Paul condemns our hesitancy.

Paul rebukes those of us who try to hide behind Jesus’s teachings that we should not judge. Many Christians claim that they’re in no place to judge another person since they have sin in their own lives.

But to come to that conclusion is a mistake, and that is the main reason I wanted to write this blog today.

If being a sinless person was the pre-requisite for judging another Christian and holding them accountable, then not even Paul could judge. Yet he clearly casts judgment in 1 Corinthians. That said, what IS the pre-requisite for holding another person accountable?

The issue here is not whether or not you sin, but how you respond to your sin.

With the exception of Christ there is no such thing as a sinless life. When it comes to sin, we can only fall into 2 categories–those who resist sin and struggle with their sin, and those who do not. Some people ignore their sin or embrace their sin, and those are the people that God calls the Church to discipline. Those people who hate their sin and fight it daily–those are the people who Paul permits to exercise that discipline.

As long as you are not disciplining someone for a sin that you yourself are indulging, then you do not violate Jesus’ command to “remove the log from your own eye.” You might have other types of logs that need removing, but if a friend is struggling with a kind of log that you’ve never  rammed in your eye, don’t hesitate to help her out! Not because you are a better Christians, but because we are one Body and our strengths and weakness often complement one another. You might be strong where a friend is weak, so encourage your friend in her weakness. Likewise, when you encounter your own weaknesses, plead with stronger friends to support you.

So while we are not to judge another’s salvation, we are to judge one another’s actions. If your friend struggles with a particular sin toward which you don’t feel any temptation, then you are in a good place to responsibly exercise church discipline without being a hypocrite.

That doesn’t make it any easier, but it does mean that God will bless your actions.

For more on this topic you can check out the rest of my message when I post it later this week. It’s a tough word, but it compels us to examine the areas in which sin might be creeping in. I hope you will be as challenged by it as I was!

Several years ago I developed a really bad habit as a coping mechanism during a very dark time in my life–I watched t.v.

Now before you think I’m getting all Amish on you, let me explain what I mean. I had been watching t.v. before this all happened. Watching t.v., in and of itself, was not the problem. The problem was that my reason for watching t.v. had changed.

Rather than watching t.v. on occasion, taking in a show or two each week that I enjoyed, I had the t.v. on ALL THE TIME. I was going through a really dark season in my life and I was fairly depressed, so rather than face times of silence alone with my thoughts, I flipped on the t.v. It was a way of escaping my problems, fears, and insecurities. It distracted me from the things I didn’t want to think about, and it became a kind of refuge.

Although I don’t use t.v. for that reason anymore, my habit has essentially remained the same. Whenever I’m alone in my room or the house, I have the t.v. blaring. Even if I’m not watching it–maybe I’m cleaning my room or doing laundry–I’ll still have it on in the background. Every morning while I get ready for the day I listen to Good Morning America and Regis and Kelly chatting it up, almost as a kind of ambient noise.

Now in light of this behavior, I have come to a very important decision– it’s time for me to break the addiction! No more t.v. for me, and I can’t think of a better time to start than this Wednesday.

“Why this Wednesday?” you ask. “Isn’t that a little random?” Well that’s a great question! The reason I chose this Wednesday is because it’s the beginning of Lent.

Now for a lot of you reading this right now, you don’t really know what Lent is. I wrote a blog about it last year that you can check out here, but in short, it’s the 40 days leading up to Easter. For a significant part of my life I thought it was some weird tradition that only Catholics celebrated by giving up chocolate, but ever since college I’ve started observing it myself, and it’s been awesome. Which is why I’m inviting you to try it this year if you haven’t before.

The idea behind Lent is that you prepare for Easter, the time of remembering Christ’s death and resurrection, by reflecting on what Christ did for you on the cross. Throughout the history of the Church, Christians have traditionally done this by engaging in a type of fast. You identify something that you love or depend on, and abstain from it for 40 days.

For me, Lent is a time when I like to identify false saviors in my life–idols that I have come to rely on in place of Christ. Once I’ve identified them, I use Lent as a time to eliminate them. 40 days is just long enough to reverse those bad habits.

Last year I gave up gossip, which might seem sort of obvious but is actually quite hard. If you’ve never engaged in a gossip diet, check out my blog here for further details. But this year I’m giving up watching t.v. When I am alone for the next 40 days, I will be alone in silence. No more Regis and Kelly. No more Gilmore Girls re-runs.

Sometimes the prospect of this fast is daunting, but I think it will push me to pray more. It will also compel me to seek God as my refuge, rather than superficial distractions. Although a simple practice, I think it will enhance my relationship with God if I let it.

So as Wednesday approaches, I encourage you to observe Lent with me. Pray about what God might have you abstain from. Are there any false saviors in your life from which you need to fast? I also encourage you to post your ideas here, not for the sake of bragging, but giving ideas to other people. There are SO many false saviors in our lives that sometimes we don’t even see them all, so it’s helpful when others identify them for you.

I look forward to hearing your ideas, and I hope you will be blessed and transformed by it!

Up until about 3 months ago, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d gotten a manicure. I always thought that manicures were for prissy girls with too much time and money on their hands, so I only had my nails done when I was in a wedding and was required to do so.

That all changed just before I got engaged. I knew that a lot of people would be looking at my hand once there was a ring on it, and I began to notice just how jacked up my nails appeared. I am really bad about biting them, so I’ve always had rather manly looking, construction worker hands. That was not the kind of thing that I wanted people staring at.

So ever since then I’ve been getting manicures on a fairly regular basis. And in doing so, God has opened my eyes to some interesting missional opportunities for Christian women.

I came to this realization today as I sat across from a young Vietnamese woman while I had my nails painted. I was listening to my iPod with the headphones in my ears, which served as a kind of barrier between the two of us. Occasionally she would ask me a question or make a comment, but I couldn’t really hear her because of my iPod, so eventually she gave up. We sat across from one another in silence.

This may have been the full extent of the story had the Holy Spirit not entered the seen. As I sat their absorbed in my podcast I began to feel a tugging on my heart, and I considered the situation before me–here I was, a Christian, sitting across from a woman who may not know Christ. I have her as a captive audience for at least 30 minutes, but instead I’m just sitting there listening to a podcast. That’s when the conviction hit.

As soon as I had the opportunity I shut down my iPod and began engaging the woman in conversation. She told me about her family and her life here in America. Then she asked about me, and I told her I was a Christian, and that I was also a minister. We spent the whole rest of the time getting to know one another.

When I left the salon I had not shared the Gospel with her, but I do not consider my time a failure. Why? Because I plan to go back. I just discovered a new mission field.

It’s hard to present the Gospel in a natural, genuine way when you talk to someone for the first time, which is why we need to be intentional about the people with whom we come into contact. It’s much easier to share your faith with someone in whom you’ve invested time and conversation, and I just laid the first brick of that relational foundation this afternoon. I’m now in a position to build on it.

That said, it’s important that we women recognize the missional opportunities before us and take advantage of them. If you like to get manicures, pick ONE manicure salon, pick one girl to do your nails each time, and then go there regularly. Forge a relationship with her until you get a chance to share the Gospel. Keep going back again and again so that you can invite her to church. Find out if her family has any needs that your church can provide her with. Listen to her if she’s having a bad day. Be her friend.

And if you don’t like getting manicures, there are plenty of other options. Pick one place to get your hair done and work on sharing the Gospel with your hair stylist. If there’s one store at which you like to shop, or one restaurant that you really love, drop in often and get to know the people who work there. I personally like taking my students to a pet store where they let you play with the puppies while you talk and hang out, so I’m trying to get to know one of the girls who works there.

Take a look at your schedule and figure out how you can be more intentional about it. Living missionally does not necessarily mean going overseas–it means living on mission. So find ways to set yourself up for these opportunities. Being a girly girl doesn’t have to mean you’re self-focused–it does mean that God has a special mission designed just for you!

As most of you know by now, I am getting married this summer to a wonderful man named Ike, and it’s about time I introduce you to him. To the left you can see a picture of Ike with some fake lawn deer. That’s Ike.

Now Ike is probably going to kill me for putting this on the internet, but I’m about to make it up to him by also sharing another side of him with you (not the side that likes to pose like a GQ model with plastic woodland creatures).

While Ike indeed has a silly side, he is also very serious about Jesus.

Last night he preached a message out of 1 Corinthians 4 at my ministry’s worship service. In chapter 4, Paul responds to the criticism he receives about his ministry, reminding his critics that he only answers to God. Out of this text, Ike examined the dynamics of criticism and how it affects the Body of Christ.

Ike’s message was excellent. He did a great job of pinpointing the ways in which arrogant criticism can poison a church body. He also exposed the reality that most critics never get off their heinies and do the work themselves. We may criticize those who are preaching the Gospel, but in so criticizing, we fail to preach the Gospel ourselves. Therein lies the true problem.

That said, I have posted his message below. I think you will enjoy it, as well as be challenged by it. And for those of you who have yet to meet Ike but have been wanting to know more about him, I can’t think of a better introduction. He is a godly man, and he’s also a total stud.

(Just click on the above play button. The first minute or two is my voice as I introduced him. You can’t hear it very well so feel free to fast forward. You can also download the MP3 here: download.)

Several years ago I attended a convention for religious broadcasters in the United States. I was representing the ministry I worked for at the time, which had a radio segment that aired all over the country. We were at the convention to network, meet other broadcasters, and get the ministry’s name out there.

To my surprise, the convention itself was actually very exciting. I got to meet well-known Christian authors, I saw a pre-screening of The Passion movie, and I had fascinating conversations with ministries from all over the U.S. Overall, it was a great experience.

However, there is one thing about the convention that stands out in my mind, one thing that I will never forget. It serves as a kind of accountability for me in my own ministry today…

Because the convention was for religious broadcasters, there were a number of Christian t.v. shows present, along with their hosts. And let me tell you, the women who hosted those shows were BEAUTIFUL! They walked around that convention hall with perfect hair, perfect make-up and perfect clothes. They were incredibly put together and flawless, these successful Christian women, and that is when the first seed of self-doubt planted itself in my heart.

I looked at those women, who were smart and driven and had already accomplished a lot in ministry, and then I looked at myself–my hair was flat, my clothes were boring, and Lysa, the president of the ministry, had to help me put on my make-up because I was so pathetic at it. I was far from perfect.

So as I observed those flawless women and then compared myself to them, I thought to myself, “If this is what it means to be a successful women’s minister, then I clearly don’t measure up.”

I still find myself thinking that today. I look at women like Beth Moore, who is not only a powerful writer and speaker, but is also drop-dead gorgeous, and I feel as though I fall miserably short. I believe the lie that the perfect Christian woman has got to be the whole package, which poses a problem for me since I bite my finger nails, I can never figure out how to get my hair to look right, and I’m barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel. The whole package? That, I am not.

On a head level, I think we all know how faulty that logic is. Scripture is full of verses about how God looks at the inside and not the outside. That message is clear. But the reason my experience at the convention was so definitive for me as a women’s minister is that it made me pause and wonder–Do I ever make other women feel insecure about themselves? Do I convey the message that looking put together and perfect is an important part of being a Christian woman? Do I spend so much time primping and looking cute that I compromise my witness? While I may tell young women that outward beauty doesn’t matter, do my actions undermine my words?

Well I recently discovered that Paul talks about this very thing in 1 Corinthians 2 when he explains to the Corinthian church the he did not come to them with “eloquence” or “persuasive words.” This point is significant because Paul was extremely educated and well-versed in the art of rhetoric. He was very capable of speaking articulately and persuasively. But he instead chose to keep it simple.

Why? Because he didn’t want the presentation to distract people from the message. He didn’t want his listeners to be so impressed by his rhetorical gifts that they missed out on what he was actually saying.

And Christian women do well to keep this teaching in mind. We must not let the presentation distract people from the message. This principle can play out in any number of ways, but one of the most salient examples is the way we present ourselves outwardly. If we are trying to encourage one another to focus on inward beauty, but we spend excessive amounts of time on our outward beauty, then we will undermine our message. Rather than spurring women toward the Gospel, we’ll be encouraging their insecurities, self-doubt, and vanity.

Now that is not to say that we should wear burlap sacks and stop washing our hair–it’s definitely ok to look nice! God created us to be beautiful and we should celebrate that fact. But I am writing this as a kind of heart check. We need to examine our motives in how much time we spend on our outward beauty. Are you spending time on your outward appearance for the glory of God, or in order to feel better about yourself? And more importantly, do you spend as much time working on your inward beauty as do you your outward beauty?

I, for one, hope that in my time as a women’s minister, I have never misled women into thinking that being the “perfect Christian woman” means looking flawless and put together. If I have, I apologize greatly and ask for forgiveness. But the truth of the matter is that there is no “perfect Christian woman.” By that I mean that there isn’t ONE standard to which we should all strive. God created us to be unique and diverse because each one of us reflects His infinite majesty in our own special way. If we aspire to fit in a cookie cutter mold, then we’ll erase the unique beauty in each one of us, and thereby steal a little bit of glory away from God. The only standard that we should all be seeking is holiness, so if there is any message that I want my life to convey, it is the importance of pursuing Him. Anything else is just a distraction.

This blog entry was previously posted in February of 2008.

The following post concludes a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive women.

(And the picture to the left has nothing to do with today’s topic per se. I just thought it was awesome. If you try and take that girl’s dolls she’s gonna bite your hand off!)

Part 3: You’re possessive about your boyfriend

When you think of a possessive girlfriend, what do you imagine? The kind of girl who freaks out when her b.f. even looks at another girl? Or how about a girl who forces her guy to un-friend all his female friends on facebook? That’s exactly what I imagine.

So in my opinion, I have never been the possessive type. I don’t rail on Ike because he happened to be in the room when a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on. And I don’t accuse him of cheating on me when he says “hi” to a friend at school. I’m not that girl.

However, I’ve come to realize that there is a possessive side to me. It doesn’t play out in a crazy Lorena Bobbitt type fashion, but it’s definitely there.

To help you understand what I’m talking about, first consider the following situation: Have you ever had a friend who started dating a guy, and instantaneously dove into a super serious mode? All they did was spend time together and talk about their futures and be inappropriately affectionate with one another. If it was a long distance relationship, they were probably gone every single weekend traveling to see one another.

If you had just met them, you would have thought that they’d been dating for years. It’s like they went from 0 to 60 in no time flat.

That behavior is indicative of a possessive spirit. Why? Because she is treating her boyfriend as if he belongs to her in a way that he does not. Yes, he should be faithful to her, and yes, she should have certain expectations of him that go along with a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

But he is not really “hers,” especially not in the same sense as a married couple. They should not have the same intimacy and commitment to one another that a married couple has, but often times dating couples do. They expect to see one another every day. They have the physical relationship that a married couple has. They plan their entire future together the way a married couple does.

And this all happens as soon as you start to see your boyfriend, or even fiancé, as somehow belonging to you, when, in fact, he does not.

All of this boils down to a fundamental misunderstanding of courtship. To see what I mean, I thought I’d draw up a little comparison between the worldly view of the dating process, and a more Biblical view of the dating process:

Worldly View of the Dating Process:

Dating=Marital behavior without the commitment

Engagement=Marital behavior with the commitment but without the legal status of being married

Marriage=The State now affirms the lifestyle you’ve already lived for years

~~~~~

Biblical View of the Dating Process:

Dating=Considering whether marriage is a wise decision

Engagement=Preparing for marriage

Marriage=marriage

After looking at this comparison, you can see that the very first break down between these two perspectives is in the dating period. Most couples begin acting as if they somehow belong to one another as soon as they start dating, but that’s not what dating is for. The purpose of dating is to determine whether or not you should take the step of belonging to one another in marriage.

That said, as long as you’re not married, you should function under the assumption that your boyfriend could actually be someone else’s husband. Honor him, and his future wife, accordingly. He is not yours, so treat him as if he belongs to another woman.

Now before you feel like I’m being too harsh, I will admit that I’m speaking from my own struggles and temptations. Even though I’m only engaged to Ike, I’m often tempted to think of ourselves as basically being married but not living together. The temptation is most significant in our physical relationship–why not have sex if we’re going to eventually?

But the reality is that we are not married. And until we are, God reminds me that Ike is not fully mine.

Why is this so important?

The way we treat dating relationships is one of the chief reasons that so many marriages end in divorce. Marriage has essentially become a version of dating. In treating a dating relationship like a marriage, we don’t exalt dating to a more intimate level–we simply tear down marriage by no longer setting it apart.

So be cautious about how you view your boyfriend. He is not yours! He does not belong to you and you alone, so don’t treat him as if he does. Don’t have sex with him, don’t move in with him, and don’t even monopolize his time. Even if you think you’re going to get married one day, don’t depend on that fact. Many couples have broken up who KNEW they were meant for one another, so until you say “I do,” remember that he could belong to someone else.

So while you may not go crazy when he looks at another girl, you act like a possessive woman when you treat your boyfriend like a husband. And ultimately, that’s what all these forms of possessiveness are about–you are functioning in a way that does not reflect reality. Maybe you’re taking illegitimate responsibility for a guy friend, or maybe you’ve constructed a romantic fantasy with a crush, or maybe you’re acting like a married couple when you aren’t actually married yet–all of these behavior ignore reality and construct the reality we want.

And what does this tell us as women? That we need to start trusting in the goodness of God and what that means for our lives. Maybe He has something better! Maybe if we surrender control we’ll experience a kind of wonderful that we never before dreamed of having. We must stop being content to make mud pies in the slums because we cannot imagine a day at the sea. God has more for us than the shoddy dreams we’ve concocted for ourselves, and as soon as we un-clinch our possessive fists then our hands will be open to receive His bounty!

I am currently in the middle of a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive woman. In the last post I discussed women who are possessive about their male friends. This post serves as the second topic in this series. 

Part 2: You’re possessive about your crushes

On a fairly consistent basis I hear stories from young women that go something like this:

Me: So what’s going on with you and Freddy?

College student: Well, Freddy and I really like each other, but after we started hanging out one of my friends said that she liked him.

Me: Oh, so Freddy has been hanging out with her too?

College student: Well, not exactly. They talk sometimes, and she thinks something could be there, so she wants me to back off. She doesn’t want me to mess things up for her and him.

Me: Have they gone out on any dates?

College student: No.

Me: Does he call her or anything?

College student: No.

Me: But she thinks that something is there?

College student: Yes, so I’m gonna have to back off from Freddy.

This style of relating to guys reminds me of when I used to fight over the front seat with my brother: “I call shotgun!” “No I called shotgun first!” “NO I CALLED SHOTGUN!!!”

It’s like survival of the fittest, dating style. Whoever grabs the guy first gets the prize. If you don’t call dibs and mark your territory, then you get picked out of the dating pool like a weak antelope in the African Savannah.

Having said that, I have to be totally honest–this behavior is absurd. Not only are you acting in a possessive fashion over a man on whom you have no claim, but you are placing your friend in a terrible position as well. You’re essentially forcing her to choose between you two, and that isn’t fair or right.

Now I know that it is hard. I have been in the position of pining after a guy, only to stand by and watch as one of my friends swooped in and stole his heart. It was devastating.

But that did not give me the right to thwart their relationship. Whatever connection I had with my crush was only in my mind. I had read into every single glance, smile, and conversation with him. My imagination had carried me away as I dreamed of our future together.

And that is where this form of possessiveness is founded–in our imaginations. It is in no way rooted in reality. Even if you are spending a lot of time with the guy, it’s generally pretty clear if he’s pursuing you romantically as opposed to platonically–he takes you out on dates, tells you how he feels, etc. Yes, there are some guys who will string you along because they just don’t want to commit, but regardless of a man’s behavior you need to guard your thought life either way. If he isn’t pursuing you in a CLEAR manner, then don’t let your heart and mind go there. Don’t allow yourself to construct a situation that does not exist.

When you indulge those fantasies you risk getting hurt, as well as hurting the friends around you.

Just like the last post, the most important lesson we can learn from this behavior is that it projects an accurate picture of your heart.  A woman gets territorial when she wants to control her love life, instead of surrendering it into the hands of God. It’s also a matter of jealousy–if you can’t have him then you don’t want anyone else to.

Ultimately, it’s not about the guy at all. It’s about two very specific things:

1) Your belief in a sovereign God who has great plans for you and will take care of you. If you try and break up another couple, then you aren’t trusting God with your future.

2) Your view of other Christian women. As we discussed in the last post, you should not view other women as competition that is trying to consume a scarce supply of men. The goal is not marriage; the goal is God’s glory. And in that battle we are all on the same team. We should therefore treat one another as allies, not enemies.

And don’t forget to love your neighbor as yourself. If you would like to have a husband, then you should be just as happy when one of your sisters meets the man of her dreams.

Now I will say that there is a time when it is right to talk to your friend if you think the silence will cause unspoken bitterness between you. But be sure that the conversation is not an ultimatum. The goal of the discussion should be a stronger friendship and a greater trust in God, not a veiled attempt at manipulating her. Only you can know your heart on that one, but if you’re at all tempted to control the situation, it might be better to say nothing at all and let God deal with your heart.

Again, remember that God is in control. He will take care of you. When you try to force a situation, you risk forfeiting a growing relationship with Him, as well as a wonderful frienship with another woman. If that is the cost of pursuing your crush, then it’s not worth it. God has more for you than that.

The next and final post will cover the topic of being possessive about your boyfriend or fiance. This one comes right out of my life right now, so I’ll be preaching to myself on this one!

It has recently come to my attention that I am a possessive girl. But not in the way you would expect. I don’t freak out when my fiancé, Ike, talks to another girl, and I don’t accuse him of staring at other beautiful women. No, my possessiveness is far more subtle.

All this time I’d thought I was better than those “other women,” but it turns out I’m just like them in a lot of ways. And I suspect you are too.

Why? Because our relationships with men often combine a careful blend of jealousy and the need to control. We want men to prefer us, and oftentimes we try to make them. Or, we simply like to be in control, period.

In case you think this doesn’t sound like you, I have decided to put together a list of ways that you might have seen that nasty possessive side rear its ugly head in your own life. I am making it a three part blog series because each point warrants a lot of its own attention. The series will be composed of the following list:

1. You’re possessive about your guy friends

2. You’re possessive about your crushes

3. You’re possessive about your boyfriend/fiancé.

I myself have qualified under all three categories at various stages in my life, so I encourage you to read through them and be honest. This topic is important, not because we need to be less possessive, but because our possessive tendencies say a lot about our relationship with God, and others.

Part 1: You’re possessive about your guys friends

This form of possessiveness typically manifests itself as “big sister” protection. You may have absolutely no romantic interest in your friend, but you take it upon yourself to protect him from all the “unworthy women” who try to enter his life. You become very vocal about the girls he dates, stating that they need to “get your approval.” Or, you find yourself gossiping about the girls trying to get his attention–”She is SO desperate. I just can’t stand the way she throws herself at him.”

Now we often deceive ourselves into thinking that this behavior is for his own good. We’re just looking out for him. In reality, it is a manifestation of jealousy, the need to control, or both.

The jealousy dynamic tends to be the most obvious. Even in platonic friendships there is some part of us that doesn’t want to be outranked by another girl.

But even if you would be happy for your friend to find the right woman, we often act as if guys aren’t smart enough to navigate the dating process on their own. We think some Jezebel is gonna pull the wool over his eyes, so if we don’t step in he’ll end up marrying a total floozy! This behavior is all about control. It reveals that you don’t trust your friend’s judgment, nor do you trust God’s sovereignty in his life.

In addition to those issues, this behavior is a disturbing commentary on how we view other women. We treat them as if they’re dangerous predators, not our sisters in Christ. The truth is, our sisters need just as much guidance, support and love as our brothers, and it is far more appropriate for us to give that kind of care to other women than to men. But we instead treat other girls as competition, rather than co-laborers in Christ.

And what if your guy friend is interested in a non-Christian girl? Well that’s ALL THE MORE REASON to reach out to her. Yes, caution your friend against missionary dating–or better yet, encourage his other guy friends to do so–but in the mean time remember that this may be her only exposure to the sweet fellowship she might find among Christian woman, so don’t spoil that opportunity.

Those are just a few of the dynamics involved in possessiveness over male friends. I am guilty of giving into this temptation many, many times–I am a total control freak. But if you find yourself being possessive about guy friends, let it be a barometer of your heart. This behavior is not really about guys at all–it’s about the state of your heart toward God. Work on that, and the possessiveness will take care of itself.

Stay tuned for the next post on being possessive about your crushes!

So I might be the only woman in the whole world who feels this way, but I hate it when women’s ministers talk about how we’re all “princesses.” As soon as that word hits the air, I immediately start imagining girls with bad perms in fluffy pink dresses with giant puffy sleeves stuck in a tower somewhere.

That is not the kind of woman I want to be. I do not want to be a wimpy princess woman.

Having said that, my sub-conscious feminist side was jolted the other day upon reading the story of Abram and Sarai. These two kids started out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, God’s promise of many children and many blessings sitting at the forefront of their minds. They were ready to take on the world!

But as the years went by, no kids came along. Abram and Sarai were getting older and older, and God’s promise no longer seemed so secure. So Sarai decided to take things into her own hands–she compelled Abram to sleep with her servant, Hagar, to fulfill God’s promise. Hagar got pregnant, and the rest is history.

The result was a complete disaster.

To read the whole story just turn to Genesis 16. If it wasn’t already obvious, it’s a great cautionary tale for wives who want to pawn their husbands off on other men. It generally doesn’t go over well.

But what is most fascinating to me about this story is God’s response. Rather than come down hard on Abram and Sarai, He does just the opposite–He reminds them that he will still fulfill His promise to them, even in spite of their unfaithfulness.

How does he do this? By changing their names. He changes Abram’s name to Abraham, which means “father of many nations.” He also changes Sarai’s name to Sarah, which means “princess.”

Now this move leads us to a very interesting question–why re-name Sarai “princess?” After all, she’d just mucked up the whole situation horribly. Doesn’t she deserve a good talking to? Is God simply letting her off the hook? And why “princess?” Aside from the fact that she wasn’t acting very princessy, could He have at least come up with a slightly cooler name, like Xena Warrior Princess or Shera Princess of Power? Not plain ol’ wimpy princess!

However the reason behind God’s actions are significant and profound, carrying great meaning for women today. And not just the kind that involves puffy sleeves. Picture it this way…

In the weeks following the Hagar debaucle, Sarai’s probably pretty down on herself. She’s just sent Hagar away in the wilderness, so she’s realized that the plan did not pan out the way she anticipated. She is a total screw up, and now she’s worried that she might have thrown away all that God had promised.

So what does God do? He reminds her of one unalterable truth: Sarah may mess up fromt time to time, but her identity remains the same. She will always be the daughter of the King. She will always be a princess.

You see God wasn’t talking about the kind of princess who waits all day long for her prince to arrive while she brushes her golden locks and sings to forest animals. The term “princess” is instead descriptive of her relationship to the King.

To think of it another way, it is kind of like being the President’s daughter. Sasha and Malia get extra special treatment and are watched by the entire country, not because of anything they’ve done, but simply because of who their dad is. What’s more, those girls will not cease to be the President’s daughters if they ever misbehave or embarrass him. No matter what, they will always be President Obama’s daughters, and they will receive the honor that is due that position.

It was the same for Sarah, and it is the same for us. Once you accept Christ, you are the King’s precious daughter. You can screw up and be unfaithful, but your identity will remain the same. You will be His sweet princess, not in a wimpy kind of way, but in a way that declares to the world, “I don’t care what you say about me, and I don’t care about your standards of value or beauty. I am the daughter of the most High King and nothing will ever change that.”

If you ever doubt your identity, your value, or your worth, remember Sarah. In the face of her sin God did not condemn her. He did just the opposite, and He is doing it now for you. You truly are a princess, and I mean that in the most non-cheesy, non-wimpy way possible.