Around Christmas time I posted several videos created be a comedienne named Sarah Haskins. I’m a big fan of her “Target Women” shorts and the critiques they make of American female culture. They’re extremely entertaining and insightful.

Well as I plan a wedding and find myself stressing over *important* things like what color chairs to have at the reception, Haskins’ video on “Wedding Shows” is a great wake up call. In a world that insists your wedding day is ALL ABOUT YOU, it’s no wonder some brides have become so conceited.

And I have to admit it’s tempting to become so–if I want to have the kind of wedding that I read about in bridal magazines, I’ll probably have to blackmail a wedding planner and sell my first born child! Those weddings are slightly out of my price range, yet that’s what magazines are selling as “the norm.”

That’s why it’s so hard to keep perspective. You have to constantly remind yourself that it’s not about you at all, but about Christ–a message that’s in direct conflict with everything the wedding industry stands for.

When we indulge the part of ourselves that revels in being the center of the universe for a day, we’re not participating in the age-old tradition of wedding planning–we’re just being blindly self-involved. And we do so at the risk of eclipsing the real message of marriage–Christ’s love for the Church. So even though Haskins’ perspective is coming from a more secular angle, it’s just the kick in the pants that I need!

This year I’ve found myself talking to my students a LOT about sarcasm. And whenever the topic comes up, I usually mention the following uncomfortable verse from Proverbs 26:18-19:

Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

Upon citing this verse, I’m frequently met with a reaction of laughing disbelief, something along the lines of, “You can’t possibly be serious!” Most people can’t believe that verse is even in the Bible at all. Sounds a little extreme, right?

Well in typical Bible fashion, the author is right. And he was NOT speaking in hyperbole. This isn’t like the gym teacher in Mean Girls who told the students not to have sex or else they would die. The author isn’t exaggerating just to make a point.

On the contrary, this verse reveals the truly poisonous nature of sarcasm.

I don’t know about you, but I REALLY struggle with sarcasm. It’s one of the main conversational techniques I use to impress others and indicate that I can carry my own in witty conversations. In the past it’s been a significant aspect of my communication with others, and it continues to be.

We justify sarcasm by labeling it as a sign of comradery. We say we can be sarcastic with those to whom we feel closest. According to this logic, sarcasm isn’t a bad thing at all–it’s really an indication of intimacy.

But as the verse in Proverbs reveals, sarcasm isn’t really intimacy at all. It’s a false form of intimacy that masquerades as fellowship. Under the guise of “being comfortable enough to kid,” we replace open, honest conversation with an environment that’s inherently competitive. We encourage a spirit of one-upmanship, highlighting one another’s slip-ups and mistakes for the sake of entertainment and making ourselves look smart.

When sarcasm is allowed to dwell, our friendships are no longer safe places in which individuals can feel free to be vulnerable. That doesn’t mean that vulnerability is altogether absent, but it is less likely, especially when new people join the fold. We may think it’s harmless because all along we’re “only joking,” but in reality we’re short-circuiting any attempt at genuine Christian fellowship.

And that is what sarcasm kills. Sarcasm kills fellowship. And in a larger context, it also poisons ministries. Where sarcasm exists, you are all the more likely to find back-biting and gossip because underneath those jokes, hurt feelings reside. And where hurt feelings have been allowed to fester, they lash out at the first opportunity.

A community can sustain itself on sarcasm for years, but at the nearest sign of trouble those friendships will be tested. When hardship, miscommunication, or disagreement develop, the true mettle of a community will be revealed.

So pardon the pun, but don’t “kid” yourself into thinking that your sarcasm is innocent. The words of Proverbs 26 should dispel any notion of this sort. In reality, sarcasm kills intimacy and it destroys fellowship, so keep that in mind the next time one of your friends accidentally trips and falls on their face, or your spouse drops a glass on the floor. In that moment of vulnerability brought on by obvious imperfection, they need friendship, not an attack disguised as amicable joking.

In case you missed it, last night Pastor Mark Driscoll appeared on Nightline along with several other individuals debating the issue of whether or not Satan exists. Driscoll does a fantastic job of defending this traditional, orthodox doctrine, so I encourage you to check it out!

Click here to see the video.

This is what I’ll be watching for my Friday night!

When I was a little girl in the not-so-popular crowd, staying home on the weekends to study while the cool kids were out having fun with their friends, my mom always comforted me with the following words of experience:

“Don’t worry, honey. When I went back to my high school reunion, all the popular kids had gotten fat.”

Ok maybe her advice didn’t go quite like that, but that was the basic message I heard. Peaking in high school was a bad thing. For the rest of us, the best was yet to come.

Well I’ve been reflecting on my mom’s words as my TEN YEAR REUNION approaches. I still can’t believe it! I feel so old. But what I’ve been thinking about even more is how people will look at me. What will people think about my life and what I have achieved. Will they be impressed? Will they think I’m weird because I’m in ministry? (probably) Will they still not talk to me because I wasn’t cool then, so I’m still not cool now?

(And as an interesting side note I should add that I went to the same school with the same people for 12 years, which means that I have a 12 year long reputation bearing down on me.)

Well I’m gonna be honest–my reflections on this upcoming event have not at all been pure. When I show up to the reunion I will be newly married to a guy that I happen to think is pretty hot, so I’ll be super excited to show him off.

And that makes me kinda sad. Of all the things I’ve done since high school, is landing a *hot* husband really the greatest?

Uh, no. Aside from the fact that Ike is an amazing man with a godly heart who is going to be an incredible minister one day (attributes against which his hotness easily pales in comparison) I am also a minister myself, and a writer to young women around the world. I try to serve God and love people to the best of my ability, and I’ve had a lot of really amazing experiences as a result.

But the world doesn’t really care about those things, so I’ve been reveling in my superficial achievements instead.

With all of this in mind, I think that high school reunions can be really useful tools in getting to know ourselves better. Just think for a second–when you imagine your high school reunion, how do you feel? Are you excited to brag about your success in business, how you married right out of college, or that you have a second home at the beach?

Or, are you anxious about your high school reunion because you haven’t been that successful, you’re still single, or you don’t make a lot of money?

Most likely your answer to those questions says a lot about your priorities. You see, high school reunions have an amazing knack for identifying our practical saviors–the one thing that we really depend on for security and satisfaction in this world.

At high school reunions we feel as if our lives are being measured and judged, and we want to be judged favorably. We may have lived a life honoring to God, but that doesn’t sound very impressive to the world, so we we put ungodly pressure on ourselves to measure up. We begin to value those things which God does not value. And while our high school reunions do highlight those misplaced priorities, reunions are not the source of them. They’re only an indicator of a much greater spiritual problem.

So whether you’re still in high school, your next reunion is 10 years away, or you’ve got one right around the corner, ask yourself what you want to be remembered for. In an abstract setting, we usually answer that question with noble aspirations like “Helping mankind” or “Being a great wife and mom” or “Serving God and His Kingdom,” but those generally aren’t the answers we give at high school reunions. Instead visualize yourself within the concrete context of your high school reunion and be honest–what are you excited about, or nervous about? Most likely you will discover an area that needs to be surrendered to Christ.

I will close with an anecdote from my 5 year reunion that always makes me laugh to remember. I was about to leave for a mission trip to Africa when I attended my reunion. I was going to Cameroon to educate students about AIDS, and I was really excited about it. Well during the reunion one of my former classmates, who had since become a golf pro, asked me about my own plans for the future. When I told him I was going to Africa, he looked at me in utter amazement and near disgust as he asked, “Why would you ever want to go there??”

I guess the golf courses in Africa aren’t as good. Ohh high school reunions.

As a single person over the years, one of my least favorite conversations with married friends involved comments like the following…

“I never understood how sinful and selfish I was until I got married.”

or…

“It wasn’t until I got married that I learned what it means to lay myself down for another as Christ did for us.”

or…

“I never really understood God’s unconditional love for me until I got married.”

Although I don’t doubt that all of the above statements are true, the subtext of these statements always felt to me like, “You have to get married to be on the inside track to God’s heart.”

As a single person, I subsequently felt like a slightly inferior Christian in the face of the great and mighty sanctifier that is marriage.

Because of these experiences, I vowed that whenever I did get married, I would NOT become that married person. (And don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of married friends who don’t do that, and who have affirmed me as a sister in Christ and encouraged me in the ways God is using me. They have been great examples for me.)

So my own experience compels me to be mindful and respectful of the struggles that are unique to single people. But in addition to avoiding language that alienates my single friends, there is a second, greater reason that I refuse to draw such strict barriers between the faith of married Christians and single Christians.

While there are certainly lessons that Christians can learn in marriage (not to sound cliché, but I AM learning how thoroughly selfish I am, just in the short time I’ve been engaged), there is something to be said for the sanctification that occurs in long-term singleness.

When a woman does not get married right out of college and is single for years, she wrestles with a completely different set of issues that God can use to refine her. When you are single past the point of all your other friends, you face feelings of self-doubt, loneliness, poor self-image, and fear for your future.

That’s not to say that married women don’t struggle with these issues themselves, but as a single person it’s an almost constant reminder. Every time someone asks, “Why haven’t you gotten married yet?” it’s as if the world is labeling you an incomplete person. And it’s hard not to wonder if you really are.

Like I said, married women have to work through loneliness and self-doubt as well, but in the same way that marriage highlights personal selfishness in a way that singleness often does not, singleness highlights other struggles in a way that marriage does not.

All of that to say, no one has an inside track to the heart of God. We are all on different journeys, and God uses our varying circumstances to refine us in different ways. So the next time you single gals feel a little left out because you’re not only single, but also made to feel less holy as a result, remember Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:34

An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world.

When you remember this verse, remember it not for the sake of mere comfort, or as a reason to feel superior, but instead hear it as a call. Use this time in your life for the glory of God–you can either let guide refine you, or you can become bitter. I’m sure you know both types of women, so decide which one you want to be, and then run after it!

In case you haven’t heard the news, there’s apparently a young lady in California who has decided to put her virginity up for auction.

She’s 22 years old and she goes by the pseudonym of “Natalie Dylan.” And it’s all completely legal because the deal is going down in the great state of Nevada, where prostitution is legal.

I could probably write about 10 blogs on this topic, especially given her reasons for doing it and the thought process behind it, but instead I will defer to another blog, Intellectuelle. I recently read one of the contributing writer’s thoughts on the story, and they are insightful, as well as impassioned.

In particular, she hones in on the way that Dylan has compartmentalized the whole event. According to her logic, she’s only objectifying herself in this one particular area, but expects to be treated as a respected human individual in all other ways. The author’s response to this thinking is quite astute–it’s a logic so twisted that it couldn’t even hold up in our legal system.

So for your reading pleasure, I present to you No, Really, I’m Not an Object.

I also want to add that her commentary is pretty comical, which I appreciate. Sometimes our culture is so depressing that you just have to laugh.

Since writing the last post, I have received a number of great questions that I want to follow up on because they are relevant to us all, and they allow me to elaborate on some of my previous points.

The first question deals with whether or not it’s ok for your boyfriend to sleep over, as long as he isn’t actually sleeping in your bed. For instance, you might have stayed up extremely late watching a movie, and he’s too exhausted to drive home, so he crashes on the couch. What are we to think of this?

Again, this draws us back into some seemingly gray territory because it is even more “innocent” than lying in bed together without having sex. If you’re not even in the same room, then what’s the problem?

Well even though my last post focused on the intimacy of sharing a bed together, there are still some points from the post that apply. The first being that no matter what you do with a guy, it’s easy to compromise your witness if he sleeps over. Your roommates have no idea how long he’s been sleeping on that couch (though I would suspect he hasn’t been there very long…), and your neighbors know even less than that. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 teaches us to avoid even the appearance of evil, to flee from anything that even looks like sin, so this verse provides us with a great perspective on this issue.

But in addition to potentially hurting your witness, there are some other elements to factor in as well. I should have mentioned this in the last post, but if you have roommates, especially Christian ones, then you may actually poison your relationship with them if you have boys staying over. I’ve seen this happen a lot–a girl will have a roommate who invites her bf to stay over all the time, and she feels extremely uncomfortable about it. But her roommate never asks if it’s ok, and she gives off the vibe that it’s not up for discussion, so a minor estrangement begins to creep in. For some, it only results in a vague tension between roommates; for others, it can corrode the relationship altogether.

And this can happen even if he sleeps on the couch. While your roommate may feel weird when you two go off into your bedroom and shut the door, it’s awkward having a boy over late at night at all. The reason being that when a boy spends the night, you feel a little less safe and at home in your own apartment. There have been times when I couldn’t even walk around my own apartment in my pj’s because a guy was always around, and I resented my roommate for it.

The bottom line is that having your boyfriend sleep over, regardless of the circumstances, is disrespectful to your roommate. It invades her privacy as well as driving a wedge in between your relationship. So for the sake of your friendship and the health of your living situation, don’t let boys spend the night.

The final point I want to make about sleeping over relates back to the issue of appropriate intimacy. When I first thought about whether or not it’s alright for a boyfriend to sleep over, as long as he’s not in the same bed, I immediately sympathized with the question. From a technical stand point, there seems to be nothing wrong with it.

But the more I reflect on it, the more I am struck by the absurdity of it. With very few exceptions (like in the case of illness, or if you’re staying at your family’s house, etc.), having a guy sleeping in the same house or apartment is just another way of attaining as much intimacy as we can get away with, while also settings ourselves up for temptation.

For instance, say that you live in different cities and he’s visiting from out of town, so you allow him to stay with you. In doing this, you are putting yourself in a very precarious position since you are alone, late at night, with no accountability.

If your situation looks more like the one I described above (he’s there so late that he’s too exhausted to drive home) then the more pressing question is why he was there so late in the first place. If it was really THAT late at night, then odds are I was engaging in behavior that I should have been avoiding in the first place. In that case, I had bigger fish to fry than the mere issue of sleeping over.

All in all, the cons of sleeping over far outweigh the positives. There is really nothing to be gained by having him spend the night, which reminds us of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians: “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” By letting your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night, then you are no longer seeking to be above reproach as you set yourself up for temptation, compromise your witness, and threaten your relationship with your roommates. Is all that really worth it?

~~~

In addition to the clarifications on sleeping over, someone else asked me about the Scripture that one might use in support of what I have argued in these posts. What follows are some highlights…

- Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.- Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4

This is written within the very specific context of sexual love. By not awakening love until it so desires, we should not put ourselves in a situation to do something we know is wrong and will later regret.

- You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. –Matthew 5:27-28

We should not engage in any behavior that would lead our boyfriends to desire us in a way that God has forbidden outside of marriage. There is no formula for this because some guys can’t even handle kissing a woman without lusting after her, whereas others are not as tempted by that, but if you are doing anything you suspect would cause your boyfriend to stumble, then avoid it. If you indulge his lust, then you are not loving him as your brother in Christ, and you are disobeying God.

- Flee from sexual immorality. -1 Corinthians 6:18

Notice that this verse is not a passive “how much can I get away with” approach to sexual relationships. On the contrary, we are to flee any situation that might lead us into temptation. To try and get away with as much as possible is to buck against the very spirit of this verse.

In closing, I want to you to think of this discipline in your dating relationships as an investment in your marriage. One of the reasons our marriages are so emotionally bankrupt today is that we have stopped setting the institution apart in any kind of definitive way. We want what we want now, so we mimic the love and intimacy of marriage without engaging in the commitment that that love and intimacy require. This instant gratification corruption can play out when we have sex, when we sleep in the same bed, or even when we sleep in the same apartment. But these are not meant to be legalistic parameters, since it is ultimately about your heart. You should be doing everything you can to honor yourself, your boyfriend, and your God. That, at the end of the day, is the question we should be asking.

Thanks to all those great questions!!

I published the following post about a year ago and I have received a lot of feedback from it since! Because this practice is so prevalent among Christians today, numerous individuals have asked me about how to deal with with it. I felt it would be beneficial to post it again for my new readers.

I originally posted this in two parts, so I will do the same now. I would also like to introduce these posts with a verse that I recently realized has great relevance to the issue at hand. Keep this question in mind as you read:

Can a man scoop fire into his lap, without his clothes being burned? – Proverbs 6:27

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space.

Right now I’m on a mission trip with some of my students for the following week. While I’m away I’ll be posting some of my most popular blogs from the past couple years. This one in particular is a great reminder as I prepare for marriage.
~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Irreconcilable differences.”

That seems to be one of the most common reasons for divorce that you hear today. And I really have no idea what it means.I sometimes wonder if it’s a generic way of categorizing more specific problem, ie. “I want my wife to stop cheating on me but she would prefer not to” or “I want to use our money for food, but my husband wants to use it at the casino.” Those sound like fairly irreconcilable differences to me.

But perhaps the most likely reason for this term is that couples simply get tired of trying. Marriage is hard work, and if you fall out of love with your spouse, or someone better comes along, it no longer seems worth the effort. Little decisions become huge debates, and you can’t seem to agree on anything. At the end of the day, you are just too different to make it work, so you split on the basis of “irreconcilable differences.

“Well science and psychology are now disagreeing with this premise. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is the founder of The Gottman Institute, which has done ground-breaking research into marital relationships and what makes them work. Specifically, Gottman did a study in which he videotaped newlyweds discussing an issue about which they disagreed, and then he tracked the couples over the following years to see which couples stayed together and which ones divorced.

After years had gone by and the fates of the marriages had largely been determined, Gottman went back to the videos and examined the interactions between the couples in an attempt to discover which couples were built to last, and which couples were doomed for destruction. Based on that information, Gottman now feels he is able to predict with considerable accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

And what were the characteristics of a doomed marriage? Gottman observed that in couples who later divorced, there was an element of contempt in their disagreements with one another. While arguing, they would be condescending, they would freeze one another out by refusing to listen to the other, and they would tear one another down with name-calling and insults.

The successful couples, on the other hand, were quite the opposite. Though they still disagreed on things, they were willing to listen and grow from one another. And even more fascinating about their interactions is that for every negative thing they said toward the other, they would counteract it with an average of five positive things.

The successful couples also prevented the argument from escalating. Gottman found that the more a person’s heart rate increased, the less they were able to listen and respond rationally. When the heart rate increased, they were more prone to become defensive and lash out. Couples who were able to be patient and gentle with one another, thereby preventing the argument from escalating, were able to sustain a conversation that was not only respectful, but from which they both could grow.

When this decades long study was all said and done, Gottman came to the following conclusion: a happy couple is not a couple without conflict. According to Gottman, all couples fight. All couples have irreconcilable differences. It’s how you handle those differences that makes or breaks your marriage.

Since Gottman first began his research, he and his wife now offer programs and seminars to help couples work on their marriages, and his teachings have met with tremendous success. Married couples do well to heed his advice–not to mention the fact that he’s merely reinforcing Scripture’s countless commands to guard your tongue, be quick to listen and always loving. After all, love is patient and love is kind, not sarcastic and condescending.

But what about us single folks? What’s the take away message for us? Well even though Gottman’s study relates to marital relationships, his principles are important to apply in almost any situation. Our spouses shouldn’t be the only ones we labor to love well–we should seek to listen and grow from everyone around us. That is a reputation that Christians do not have right now. The way we relate to non-Christians often looks more like the soon-to-be-divorced couple’s interactions–we know that we are right, and we treat people like idiots if they do not agree with us.

So whether or not you are married, we all need to cultivate the art of loving disagreement. This does not mean compromising ourselves, but it does mean that we convey respect and care amidst our irreconcilable differences. When we do this, we increase the likelihood that others will actually listen, and we might learn a thing or two as well.

I have heard it said that Christians never impose their beliefs on others–they simply propose, as a lover to the beloved. If that is our model for evangelism, then the keys to a healthy marriage have implications for us all. 

By now you’ve probably heard the amazing story of the US Airways pilot who landed his plane in the Hudson River–the “Miracle on the Hudson.”

Captain Chesley Sullenberger engaged in an emergency landing with a plane full of 145 passengers after a flock of birds disabled both of his engines. Everyone on the plane survived and Sullenberger has been heralded as a hero, making special appearances at the Super Bowl and fielding phone calls from the likes of President George W. Bush.

What is fascinating to everyone about this story is Sullenberger’s remarkable calm as he decided to land an entire commercial plane in a New York City River. It’s not as if that was standard US Airways protocol, but he seemed to do it with grace and ease.

It was his calm and confidence that really set apart Sullenberger as a true hero. We know that, had we been in his position, the outcome would have been different. I personally would have panicked, hesitated, second guessed myself, and made multiple mistakes, not the least of which would have resulted in a significant loss of life.

Clearly Captain Sullenberger was cut from a different mold than the rest of us.

The reason I mention this story today is because it’s a great illustration of the Christian life. More specifically, it reveals the key to making good decisions at important moments.

You see, we look at Sullenberger and we’re amazed that he could make this seemingly spontaneous decision that turned out so well, but it wasn’t really that “spontaneous” at all. Sullenberger had been training for that moment all his life.

Sullenberger got his pilot’s license at the age of 14, he flew fighter jets in the Air Force, he investigated air disasters, he mastered glider flying, and he even studied the psychology of how cockpit crews behave in a crisis. As reporters checked into the life and background of this man, they discovered that he’d devoted his entire life to the practice of flying. He had pursued every aspect of the discipline with excellence. He had trained his body and his mind to know the art of piloting planes, inside and out.

So when the time came to make an emergency decision, he didn’t even hesitate. He knew exacty what to do. By then it was all second nature.

This, in many ways, is the story of the Christian life. We think that the big decisions we make in life are the moments that define us. That is not the case. Those moments only test our mettle; they reveal our true character and what kind of person we’ve become. It’s what we do in between those big moments that truly define us.

So many people come to a fork in in the road of their lives and they have no idea which direction to turn in. Whether it’s choosing a job or dating a particular person, they can’t seem to discern God’s will. No matter how hard they try they can’t get clarity, and they are mystified by the difficulty of it.

But those same people often neglected to spend time communing with God and learning to discern His voice every other day of the year. It is no wonder they don’t recognize His leading–they haven’t trained themselves to follow it.

As Christians we must be like Captain Sullenberger, who used every opportunity to mold himself into an excellent pilot. When the time came to make a decision, he responded like any thoroughly-trained pilot would–with confidence and certainty.

Similarly, the key to discerning God’s will in the big things is becoming a person who follows God’s will in the small things. Spend time reading the Bible, make time for prayer, use each day to seek God and know Him better. Then when a big decision comes along, you won’t respond like a rookie pilot might have responded that fateful day in the New York skies. Instead, you’ll know exactly what you need to do.

The question you have to ask yourself is “Who am I becoming?” Are you crafting yourself into someone who can recognize God’s will, or are you living each day for yourself, only calling on God’s help when you think you need it? It’s all in how you spend your time TODAY. It may not seem like much now, but every one of those tiny steps of preparation made Captain Sullenberger the pilot he is today. History would be different had he not.

* I must give credit to Dr. Samuel Wells, the Dean of the Chapel at Duke University, for directing me to this illustration. I recently heard him lecture and he referenced this story in his message. I thought it was excellent so I decided to use it here.