(The picture to the left has little to nothing to do with this blog post, but I think that old photos of couples who look really unhappy on their wedding day are entertaining)

There is a popular myth floating around young, Christian circles today, and it goes something like this–Once I get married, I’ll snap into shape. I’ll stop having low self-esteem, I’ll stop feeling lonely, I won’t struggle with physical temptation anymore, and I’ll grow up and be responsible now that I have a family to take care of.

I call it a myth because that’s exactly what it is–fantasy. And that is what I am slowly beginning to learn as Ike and I prepare for marriage. Our relationship isn’t getting rid of my former vices; it’s actually highlighting them.

For some reason, in all my years of dating I had no conception that my habits as a dating person would follow me into marriage. As the years went by and I indulged my lack of self-control and my selfishness, I cemented those behaviors in such a way that is now coming back to haunt me.

To give you a more general example of what this looks like, imagine a guy or girl that is your typical “play the field” kind of person. He or she dates around a lot, hooks up a lot, and all the while fosters a lifestyle of causal intimacy, infidelity (meaning, not faithful to one person), and a lack of commitment.

Then one day this person finds “the one” they want to spend the rest of their life with! Because they are properly motivated, they become faithful, loving, and attentive. They are the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, and it would appear that they’ve left their lifestyle completely behind them.

At least, it would seem that way for a time.

In reality, their new behavior is only temporary. It’s more a symptom of the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship than it is a real transformation. Over time, as the honeymoon phase passes and the marriage faces hard times, those old patterns of behavior are still lurking, waiting to come out again. Why? Because his or her former lifestyle was indicative of a deeper, spiritual problem, and that problem isn’t fixed by marriage. If that problem is not addressed, it WILL come out later.

That takes us to the root of the issue–the behavior itself is not the problem. The problem is the heart. If your heart is rooted in a spirit of rebellion or self-centeredness, a change in behavior does not address it. A shift in behavior only masks the problem and allows it to continue further, undetected.

That is also why Romans 12:2 tells us to be “transformed by the renewing of your mind,” not your actions. If the mind and heart are left untouched, their true colors will come out over time.

The key is to remember that whoever you are becoming today is the person you will be tomorrow. If you’re not doing the hard work of examining your heart and pruning it of ungodliness now, then you will have to reckon with those issues later. This is a lesson that all single people must keep in mind before marriage, but it is also a lesson for the Christian life.

If you’ve ever met an older person who was bitter, set in their ways, and difficult to be around, it’s unlikely they were born that way. Most likely they nourished the seeds of bitterness, impatience, and anger in their hearts, and over time those seeds came to fruition.

Or maybe you know a married couple who seems to have “sold out” to the American dream. They used to speak so passionately about serving the Kingdom of God, but as financial success and material temptation presented itself, they slowly became more and more concerned about the superficial treasures of this world. That transformation did not happen over night, did it? It was the culmination of a lot of decisions and compromises over a long period of time. Their short-term choices had long-term implications.

Whoever you are becoming today is the person you will be tomorrow. If you are not making yourself into a faithful, godly, confident woman today, you will not be a faithful, godly, confident wife tomorrow. And if you are not making yourself into a passionate disciple of Christ today, then you won’t be one tomorrow either. Live today so that you have no regrets when tomorrow comes.

Conservative Christian=Hardcore pro-life advocate.

Over the past several decades, that is how the world has come to define us. And for good reason–the pro-life movement has been one of the definitive issues of evangelicalism. If you’re a conservative Christian, then you are a staunch believer in the pro-life movement, so much so that many Christians have become “one issue” voters–if your candidate is pro-life, then nothing else matters. Vote for them.

This is where we find ourselves today. You’re either pro-life or pro-choice. And in the ears of many evangelicals, that means you’re either a good Christian or a bad Christian.

However, I’m starting to wonder if the pro-lifers are really as devoted as they claim to be.

My doubt began to emerge in the last couple months after my fiancé and I decided to practice the natural family planning method of birth control. Considering numerous factors, such as the possibility that hormonal birth control methods like the pill can cause unintended abortions in early pregnancies, we prayed about it and felt this was the best path for us to take.

I’ll save that blog topic for another day, but what I want to highlight right now is the reactions we’ve received upon telling our Christian friends that we are practicing this method. It’s ranged from anything like, “What the heck is that?” to “Does that mean there are times each month when you won’t be able to have sex??” (horror of horrors)

But perhaps the one response that I’ve heard more than any other is,”What if you get pregnant??”

Initially, I found myself getting defensive about the method and entering into a kind of debate. I would explain how scientific it is, and how I know many people who have practiced the method without getting pregnant until they planned to, and how no method is fool-proof.

But one day, after hearing this reaction for the 100th time and entering into yet another debate about its effectiveness in preventing pregnancy, I stopped myself and asked, “Wait a second, is getting pregnant really all that bad?”

And therein lies the rub–the mindset behind that question, AND my response, seems to overlook two very important things:

1. Babies are good.
2. God created marriage to lead to families.

That said, it struck me as somewhat odd that Christians would be so scandalized by the idea that a married couple would get pregnant. Aside from the fact that we pro-lifers should be valuing life WHENEVER it comes, marriage is God’s ideal plan for raising children. Having babies within marriage is a good thing!

Now it IS important to be responsible and strive to provide for your child to the best of your ability, but we also have to trust that God will take care of us in the face of an unexpected pregnancy, and that’s not a language I hear amidst Christians circles very often.

If God created sex and marriage to result in children, then He’s going to be faithful to His plan. Getting pregnant before you own a home and have a solid salary isn’t going to throw God for a loop. He created marriage SO THAT the child will be provided for, which means the child isn’t going to undermine marriage’s created design. The child is PART OF marriage’s design.

But here’s the real problem: If we respond to the birth of children in a kind of worst-case-scenario manner, if having a child in the first year of marriage is such a scandal, we cannot sit back in shock and judgment when the rest of the world does the same. We are operating off of the same mindset, just in different ways. Maybe we don’t believe in abortion, but we are still placing different values on life, depending on when it comes.

That mindset is the heart of the pro-choice movement.

Again, I am not advocating that everyone has to practice the natural family planning method, nor do I believe we should churn out children like rabbits–there is a degree to which we should be discerning and prayerful about how many children we should have. BUT, that decision should be guided by a trust in God, not in a fear of limited financial resources, or even limited freedom.

That language should also serve as a framework for the way in which we talk about pregnancy.

Ike and I may get pregnant within our first of year of marriage. We may not. But whatever happens we will certainly consider our first child a gift from God, whenever he or she comes. And not simply because that child will belong to us, but because we are disciples of Christ, and that’s what it means to unconditionally affirm the goodness of that divine image bearer that God once named “Man.”

This week I spoke on 1 Corinthians 7, and I discussed the 2 ways that we misuse singleness. There are two opposite but equally harmful ways that we can misuse the season of singleness, so Paul addresses them both and holds them in careful tension. These 2 misuses can be broken down as follows:

1. Using singleness to avoid marriage
2. Wasting singleness as you wait for marriage

Below I am posting my talk as it apparently hit home with a lot of my students! I hope you will be encouraged by it as well. My aim was to do more than simply identify the ways we abuse our singleness and waste the opportunity it presents, but to present a call to arms. Singleness is like a ticking clock–you will never again have as much freedom to go out into the world as you have now, so don’t waste it!

You can download the file here.

If you’ve ever met me, even once, you probably know one thing about my personality–I am not shy. Although an introvert by nature, I tend to be fairly outgoing and outspoken when the occasion calls (or when it doesn’t). I’m the daughter of a go-getting entrepreneur, so I’ve tried to study and learn my dad’s leadership strengths, and I definitely have his personality.

I’m not a wall flower. At all.

With that in mind, I have deliberately avoided the following verses, which have made me feel squeamish and uncomfortable every time I’ve read them:

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. –1 Peter 3:3-4

Now I’m totally tracking with the first verse. That’s a topic I discuss with young women all the time–the importance of not founding your confidence on fleeting, superficial physical attributes.

But the second verse–that’s the one that always makes me squirm. Adorn yourself with a “gentle and quiet spirit?” I don’t like the sound of that! It sounds like a prescription for a cookie cutter personality. In order to be a good Christian woman you have to be quiet and shy and not talk too much. You have to be compliant and meek and easy to dominate.

And that’s how some Christians have interpreted these verses. Because of this passage, strong Christian women have been made to feel less feminine or ungodly because they had outgoing personalities. They were a perceived threat to male leadership.

But that’s by no means the best interpretation of those verses. Notice that it says a quiet and gentle “spirit,” not “personality.” This verse is describing the spirit and motive that drives your personality, not the personality itself. You can still be outgoing and strong and passionate, while also possessing a quiet and gentle spirit underneath.

That said, it’s also important to note that a woman can be painfully shy and quiet, while also possessing a rebellious and bitter spirit. It’s not the personality that this passage is addressing, but the guiding compass behind it. God cares about your heart.

With all of this in mind, I thought I’d draw up a little list of diagnostics, highlighting the distinctions between an outgoing woman with a quiet and gentle spirit, versus an outgoing woman without such a spirit. Look over it and then search your heart to see which category you fall into:

With a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

• Confident but not forceful
• Demonstrates leadership without being overly controlling
• Is driven by a trust in Christ, not a fear of failure
• Outspoken but humble
• Slow to speak, communicating Scriptural truth and wisdom

Without a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

• Will push and push until she gets her way
• A control freak
• Driven by fear
• Always has to be heard
• Brash, quick to speak, and quick to become angry

At their cores, the difference between these two spirits is peace versus fear. You are being driven by either one or the other, and it’s up to you to determine which one it is.

So if you’re like me, go ahead and be outgoing! Be passionate and outspoken and be a leader! But do it for the right reasons. Not because you want attention or because you have something to prove or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t. Do it because God gave you that personality and He should be glorified through it.

A quiet and gentle spirit does not equal a bland personality–it’s simply an anchor that enhances your God-given uniqueness, so embrace it!