The other day I ran across some interesting research on cohabitation that reveals a funny discrepancy between our culture’s beliefs about family and the reality of American families: While countless studies indicate that cohabitation is undeniably detrimental to marriage, nearly half of Americans believe cohabitation is actually good for marriage and reduces the risk of divorce. (USA Today/Gallup Poll)

To be honest I was not surprised by this disparity between belief and reality. I know a lot of people, including Christians, who moved in together for a myriad of “good” reasons. And like the statistics, very few of those relationships actually worked out. Either the relationship fell apart, or they got engaged but never set a wedding date and remained in an endless holding pattern. The few who did get married had some unusually tough first years of marriage.

What is frustrating to me is the culture’s inexplicable naiveté on the subject. If you ever get bored one afternoon and feel like trolling the internet for studies on this topic, you will be SHOCKED by how many studies, secular and religious alike, have found that cohabitation is bad for people and bad for marriage. Yet our culture persists in it, blindly exalting cohabitation as the wisest and most progressive new development on the relationship scene.

In the face of this worrying persistence, I put together the top 5 myths that our culture has about cohabitation, and what studies have told us about them:

Myth #1: Cohabitation is a stepping stone to marriage.
Moving in together has become a normal part of most relationships as they progress in seriousness. It is often considered the final step before marriage. However, a 2006 report by the journal Demography found that one-half of all cohabiting unions collapse within a year, and 90 percent within five years.

Myth #2: Cohabitation reduces the risk of divorce.
As I mentioned, 49% of Americans believe cohabitation reduces the risk of divorce, and an additional 13% thought that it made no difference either way. However, a study conducted by psychologist Scott Stanley at the University of Denver found that couples who cohabitate are twice as likely to get divorced as those who do not. Stanley also found that the following factors characterized couples who lived together before marriage:

- More negative communication in marriage
- Lower levels of marital satisfaction
- Higher marital instability
- Lower levels of male commitment to spouse
- Greater likelihood of divorce

A separate study by the Vanier Institute of the Family found that married couples who cohabited before marriage are less sexually exclusive both before and after marriage, and that newly married couples who had cohabited before marriage had much higher rates of domestic violence than those who had not lived together.

Myth #3: Cohabitation is just like marriage.
Though counter-intuitive, cohabitation is actually a lot more like being single than being married. According to a study done by Discovery Health, cohabitation does not reap the same benefits as marriage, which statistically averages better in physical health, wealth and emotional well-being. The study concluded that this difference was due to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples, and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well-being of their partner.

Myth #4: Cohabitation is better than marriage.
It has become more and more common for couples to live together or start families without ever tying the knot. Marriage is often seen as restrictive or out-dated. Others believe that marriage rings the death knell on a satisfying sex life. In response to these reasons, the Population Association of America conducted a study indicating that marriage offers dramatic emotional, financial and even health benefits over the single life and cohabitation. “Cohabitation has some but not all of the benefits of marriage,” said Linda Waite, the association’s president. Her studies show that married couples enjoy better health, more money and more satisfying sex.

Myth #5: Cohabitation makes no difference on children.
In the Gallup Poll study cited above, 47% of respondents felt that cohabitation made no difference to the children living in the home. 12% believed the effects would actually be positive. However, a study by the Vanier Institute found just the opposite. Due to the unstable nature of cohabitation, kids suffer the brunt of the instability, which wreaks havoc on their physical and psychological development. Anne-Marie Ambert, who oversaw the study on this matter, concluded, “Commitment and stability are at the core of children’s needs; yet, in a great proportion of cohabitations, these two requirements are absent.”

These statistics are just the tip of the iceberg. Study after study reveals the same thing, and none of the studies I cited are Christian or religiously based. But while these questions challenge us with undeniable data, they don’t answer the key question of why? What is it about cohabitation that changes the very nature of marriage so dramatically?

There is actually some debate on this. Some social scientists theorize that individuals who are less likely to value relational permanence will opt for cohabitation. However a lot of experts believe the act of cohabitation itself sabotages marriage. One study study published in the American Sociological Review found that periods of cohabitation led to more individualistic attitudes and values, which are contrary to healthy marital attitudes. Another study found “cohabiting experiences significantly increase young people’s acceptance of divorce” by persuading them that “intimate relationships are fragile and temporary in today’s world.”

As the Vanier Institute concluded,

There is some evidence to the effect that the experience of a less secure, committed, and even faithful cohabitation shapes subsequent marital behaviour (Dush et al., 2003). Some couples continue to live their marriage through the perspective of the insecurity, lack of pooling of resources, low commitment level, and even lack of fidelity of their prior cohabitation. Others simply learn to accept the temporary nature of relationships (Smock and Gupta, 2002). The result is a marriage which is at risk (Wu, 2000).

In other words, cohabitation sews the seeds of a mindset that sabotage marriage. Because our society treats cohabitation and marriage as basic equivalents, naive to the reality that they are profoundly different, what results is couples who treat their marriage the way they did their cohabitation.

All of that to say, if you’re thinking about moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend DON’T DO IT!!! Whether you’re wanting to get more serious, wanting to test-run marriage before saying “I do,” or you’re simply motivated by financial reasons, the negatives far out-weigh the positives. And you are not the exception. The statistics show that you are most likely the rule.

In a world where divorce is so rampant, why gamble?

Even though Christians are sometimes seen as backwards or prudish for insisting on traditional marriage, studies like the ones I cited reveal that God-honoring marriage isn’t about legalism or cramping our freedom. God gave us direction for our own protection. He wanted to spare us the heartache and pain that comes with broken relationships. He gave us the resources to build up our marriages and families and make them strong, so use them! Seek to please and honor God in your dating relationship, not because you’re super religious but because you have a Father who loves you, and you know He always has the good of His children in mind.

I don’t know about you, but as a woman there is one thing that I’ve always felt was lacking in my spiritual life: a mentor. I have wonderful, godly parents and awesome Christian friends, but I’ve always wanted an older woman in my life with whom to have an intentional mentoring relationship, someone who’s a little bit further along in life experience and can challenge me in the face of my spiritual blind spots. I had one in college, but since then I’ve largely been going it solo.

I know I’m not alone in this. A lot of women either yearn for a mentor, or simply desire solid friendships with other women. Maybe you just moved to a new area and you’re having trouble meeting people. Or maybe you’re going through a tough time and you need some women to walk alongside of you and support you. But your church is so big or your schedule is too busy and it’s just not happening.

So we get stuck feeling frustrated. Even hopeless. This is also a time when it’s easy to become bitter towards the church. Why isn’t the church supplying my need? Why aren’t Christians reaching out to me?

In response to these feelings of frustration, a friend of mine recently directed me to a passage of Scripture that was unexpectedly helpful: Luke 1:39-40.

In this passage, Mary has just received some of the scariest news of her life. She is pregnant out of wedlock with the Son of God. Yeah, yikes! On top of all that, she has no idea if Joseph will still marry her, or how she will support herself if he won’t. If there was ever a time when a woman needed another woman’s encouragement, it was then!

So what does Mary do? Does she stay in her house and wait for a woman to come find her? Does she walk by the other women in town with her head hung low, hoping they will notice? No! She seeks a woman out. She leaves town and goes to Elizabeth, a woman “filled with the Holy Spirit” who speaks truth to her and encourages her with the goodness of God’s blessing.

Even in a vulnerable, fragile state, Mary took initiative. She knew that she needed the support of another godly, woman, so she diligently sought it out. She put herself out there. And sometimes that’s what we need to do as well.

Sometimes it can be hard to meet new people, and sometimes we’re so tired and overwhelmed that the last thing we feel like doing is seeking someone out. But Mary’s example reminds us that as much as Christians should be reaching out to people, they don’t have the benefit of God’s omniscience. No Christian woman, no matter how compassionate or discerning, can know all the hurts and needs of those around her unless she is told. This reality puts a burden of responsibility on our own shoulders. We need to initiate.

It can be scary putting yourself out there and sometimes it can take time, but God gave us the church as a resource for life. Take advantage of it! I guarantee there are women at your church or a church near you who would LOVE to be a part of your life–they just haven’t met you yet.

So be like Mary. Be brave. Put yourself out there. If you meet someone new at church, ask her to meet you for coffee. Find out if your church has a small group you can plug into. Be the initiator. And like Mary, you are sure to find women who will spur you on toward Christ and make you feel most “blessed among women.”

On the night before Christmas Eve I am sitting by the fire with a cup of hot apple cider listening to Silent Night while the rest of the house sleeps soundly. I really do love Christmas.

Because of life’s unexpected circumstances in the last month, those are not words I have spoken until now. I’ve been a lot more somber this Christmas. My greatest comfort has come from reflecting on the delayed but promised hope that underlies the Christmas story. However, I don’t want the season to pass without celebrating the joy in the story as well. That’s the whole reason I look forward to Christmas each year!

As I’ve focused more on the light instead of the darkness, God keeps directing my attention to a particular character in the story: the innkeeper. He only gets one line in Luke 2:7,”…because there was no place for them in the inn.” In fact, the innkeeper doesn’t even get mentioned. Just his inn.

What fascinates me about this character is his role in displaying God’s abundant grace. Mary came to the innkeeper looking for a room to birth the SON OF GOD, but the innkeeper stuck her in a manger. Aside from the fact that this was a callous way to treat a woman in labor, we can’t miss the fact that she was giving birth to God. The innkeeper stuck God in a barn.

However, it’s important to remember that he could have turned her away altogether. He didn’t have to offer the manger. He could have shut the door and forgotten about the whole thing. So while he wasn’t exceedingly generous, he did offer what he had left.

And God used that tiny offering as part of the greatest story ever told.

The innkeeper offered very little, but God still used his offering. In fact, the innkeeper experienced great blessing as a direct result of the little he provided: he got to participate in one of the greatest miracles the world has ever seen! While we don’t know what happened to him, and we don’t know whether he became a disciple of Christ, we do know that the innkeeper’s meager manger became the site of God’s good and perfect plan.

Now before we go romanticizing the innkeeper, there is a significant contrast between the innkeeper’s offering and Mary’s. Mary offered her greatest possession, her own body. The innkeeper, on the other hand offered what he had leftover. There is a pretty wide spectrum of generosity between Mary and the innkeeper.

I rank closer to the innkeeper. And that’s what leads me to rejoice. Often I’m an innkeeper kind of Christian. I give my leftovers instead of my greatest possessions. But in spite of my flawed efforts and unfaithful heart, God still uses me mightily! He is gracious and slow to anger and abounding in love. I offer him a manger instead of a room, but He still works miracles through it.

That doesn’t mean that I’m content to be an innkeeper. The innkeeper may have been blessed, but Mary was blessed so much more. She offered her body to be used, so she experienced unparalleled intimacy and closeness with God. The innkeeper exited the story almost immediately, but Mary got to play an integral part in God’s plan. In the Christmas story, I want to be Mary, not the innkeeper.

This contrast teaches us one glorious lesson: The Christian life is driven by blessing, not guilt. When we inevitably fail, God does not smite us or shame us. On the contrary, He uses whatever we give. Don’t let your short-comings blind you to the goodness and faithfulness of God in your small sacrifices. But while guilt must not spur us to greater faithfulness, the promise of greater blessing should. The more we pursue God the more we draw near to His heart, the source and location of perfect joy and gladness. This Christmas I rejoice in God’s faithfulness to me in spite of my meager offerings, but I also pray for the diligence and desire to live like a Mary, and not an innkeeper.

Several weeks ago Wendy Alsup wrote a blog post entitled “Pink Fluffy Bunny Women’s Bible Studies.” The post was a gentle but firm indictment against Bible studies for women that contain “a lot of emotional fluff” and are merely “masquerading as Bible study — stuff that quotes chick flicks and romance novels more than it does Scripture.” I hear that.

In her post, Wendy articulated a point I have made many times before on this blog, but she also added something that I found particularly insightful and I want to share with you.

So often women want to study the passages of Scripture that “apply to them.” You know what I mean–the passages of Scripture that single out women, like Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. Wendy, however, points out the fundamentally flawed reading of Scripture that such an approach entails:

“We have sold women in the church a lie — that the stuff specific to them in Scripture is made up of a piecemeal compilation of small sections of Scripture from a few select places in the Old and New Testament. Ephesians 5:22 isn’t the only Scripture particularly applicable to women in Ephesians. The WHOLE BOOK of Ephesians is written to women. Men too. But don’t make the last part of Ephesians the only part we speak particularly to women. Stop it, women authors!! The women in your realm of influence need the whole counsel of Scripture. And they will benefit from hearing it from the perspective of a doctrinally sound, well grounded woman.”

I love what she says about a “piecemeal compilation of small sections of Scripture.” How true! While women generally admit that the whole of Scripture is for them, many of us also feel that the passages on women are ESPECIALLY for them. On the contrary, those passages either serve as boundaries for interpreting the rest of Scripture, or they serve as the practical application for certain core doctrinal principles. Without a doubt, THE most important passages for women are always, always ALWAYS about the Gospel! The GOSPEL is what matters most to women, and if we teach women all about submission but fail to equip them with the knowledge of Christ’s death and resurrection, the righteousness they have through nothing but faith and Christ, and the freedom they have from sin and death as a result of salvation in Him–then we will be neither Biblical or effective women’s ministers. We also risk imparting to women a guilt-driven works-righteousness in which “all good Christian women do this and this and this.”

When it comes to discerning which passages are most relevant to women, we find our standard in 2 Timothy 3:16 reminds us, “ALL of Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man (or woman) of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

Study Scripture. Teach Scripture. That is the call of women’s ministers, and every disciple of Christ.

One of the common complaints about Christians today (often by other Christians) is that we’re fake. As the indictment goes, no one is being “real.” Words like “honest” and “authentic” are thrown around a lot. We need to be honest about our sins and have authentic community. I’m sure I’ve said stuff along those lines myself.

However, I’ve started to question whether fakeness is the real problem. But let me back up first, and ask you to consider the following scenario: Have you or someone you know left the States to spend time in a developing country, only to return completely disillusioned with American life? It’s like the blinders have been taken off as to how privileged we are and how we take everything for granted. For some of us, an ensuing bitterness towards Americans envelops us. Americans seems so selfish and greedy you can hardly stand it!

What is ironic about this experience is that I, for one, was just like every other American before I went overseas. I loved my comfortable life, and while I knew there was suffering far away I also tithed to the church and I volunteered in my community and that was enough for me. I wasn’t a bleeding-heart activist who cried at night over the dying children in Africa. What opened my eyes to the reality of my privilege was seeing first-hand the want of another. That experience changed me in a way that staying at home could not.

Why then, did I return home with the expectations that others should feel as I do, even though they had not seen what I’d seen? Who was I to judge other Americans when I had been just like them several weeks before? Yes, many Americans are selfish and greedy, but few of them have stared a dying AIDS child in the face, and it’s honestly very hard to conceive of the horror unless you experience it yourself. I cannot fault people for that.

Lack of experience accounts for tremendous naiveté about the world, and this lack of experience is often confused for inauthenticity. Another example of this is teenagers. How many of us were total idiots in high school because we thought we knew everything? Me! Thankfully, my parents were gracious enough to factor in my lack of experience and knowledge about the world in how they responded to me. They knew I would grow up and kick myself for being so foolish, so they responded in grace and love. While they did teach me and discipline me, they weren’t disappointed or disillusioned by what I didn’t yet know.

These two examples illustrate one of the real reasons for so-called “Christian fakeness.” While I don’t doubt that many Christians are pretending to be something they’re not, most people’s intentions are not that sinister. Many Christians genuinely desire to be real with you and to have open, honest, community. Many of us comes across as fake because of our lack of life experience. Many of us who were raised in Christian homes or privileged families have been sheltered from the darkness and suffering of the world. We are limited by our experience, which also limits our understanding of God.

This, of course, is not true of all American Christians. Not all Americans are sheltered and privileged. What’s more, there are some Christians who have incredible wisdom despite their lack of life experience. But speaking from my own life, I have been extremely privileged, which has directly impacted the development of my spiritual maturity. My understanding of suffering and the depth of my sin has been very shallow at times, which meant that my understanding of grace was shallow as well. I didn’t want to be that way, nor was I trying to hide anything. I was simply limited by my experience.

When we think of Christian maturity, it’s helpful to think of it in terms of infancy, adolescence, and adulthood. Spiritual infancy is defined by a consumption of the simple, digestible truths of God. We don’t want to get stuck there, but it’s a necessary step for every Christian. Spiritual adolescence can digest the meaty things of God, but like a human teenager it is also limited by experience. Over time, the combination of solid teaching and experience result in the wisdom defined by spiritual maturity.

To be perfectly honest, I think I am just now beginning to leave my spiritual adolescence. Barely. I’m still in it sometimes. Maybe I’m a spiritual college student.

All of that to say, if you ever find yourself feeling frustrated with other Christians for not being “real,” instead show them grace. Show them patience. We are all on different spiritual timelines so despite having been a Christian for years, many of us are still in our spiritual adolescence. Show the same kind of loving grace that my parents showed me when I was younger, knowing that I was limited by my years. There are much better ways of encouraging one another than slapping people with the label of “fake.”

So I know I’m the last person on earth who still isn’t on Twitter (except for my husband–family solidarity!). In the past I’ve written about the various temptations and pitfalls of social networking sites, not because I’m trying to be Amish but simply discerning. As positive an impact as these technologies have had, there are also temptations as well and we need to talk openly about them.

To check out some of my old posts, go to “What Would Jesus Tweet” and “Fakebook.”

Today I wanna talk about another temptation presented by Twitter (and Facebook, and even this blog, for that matter). But before I do, you have to understand something about me: I have a problem opening my mouth when I should clearly keep it shut. I am a verbal processor and I tend to say whatever pops into my head at the moment. This trait has gotten me into trouble many, many, many times. It has not only led to my own embarrassment, but to the embarrassment of others as well.

In the face of this struggle I have often turned to Proverbs, which is full of advice for someone like me:

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. (13:3)

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. (18:6)

A fool’s mouth is his ruin,and his lips are a snare to his soul. (18:7)

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. (21:23)

…and my personal favorite…

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. (17:28)

The last proverbs has often been re-quoted the following witty way: “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

I have prayed these verses over myself for years. And thanks to God’s grace, I have seen some change. But I also have a long way to go. And that’s a big reason why I’m not on Twitter. With Twitter there is a temptation to immediately post to the world whatever crazy thought comes into my head. And given my track record, this power could easily be misused. Not only would I probably make myself look bad at some time or another, but the temptation to slander another person or cause is immense. Sarcasm does not always translate well.

Christians are certainly guilty of falling to that temptation, not only with Twitter but blogging as well (probably more so with blogging, in fact!). It’s easy to turn a blog into an angry soapbox. Fortunately, the blogging form forces me to stop and process my thoughts rather than post out of reflex, so it has been easier for me to resist speaking out of turn, but that accountability does not exist with Twitter. Your soapbox is ever at your fingertips.

As always, I am not writing this to condemn Twitter in and of itself. I know a lot of people who have used it in both creative and God-honoring ways. However, I also know I’m not the only one who struggles with shooting my mouth off. If you’re like me, just be careful about what you tweet. As the verses from Proverbs remind us, the more times you open your mouth the more likely you are to say something dumb. I for one don’t need one more outlet for making that mistake. Think before you tweet.

Luke 1 is where we find the traditional story of Mary’s virgin pregnancy. In this chapter, the angel Gabriel comes to Mary and informs her of God’s plans. We then read Mary’s response in verses 46-55, where she proclaims what is often referred to as “Mary’s Song.”

If you read almost any commentary or book about this portion of Scripture, you are going to find one thing: A glowing commendation of Mary’s faith. In the face of such unexpected news, Mary bursts out in song proclaiming the goodness of God. She makes statements such as:

“My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior” (v. 46-47)

“From now on all generations will call me blessed” (v. 48)

“For the Mighty One has done great things for me” (v. 49)

She is only 13 or 14, she could be cast out of her family and abandoned by Joseph for being pregnant out of wedlock, and she is facing life as a single mother. Yet she responds with such amazing worship of God! Clearly a faithful woman deserving of praise.

However I have to admit–I can’t really relate to that Mary. According to most interpretations, she is too faithful to be afraid. That’s why we admire her so. But where is the humanity in that interpretation? Even Jesus felt fear in Gethsemane. Was Mary really impervious to the doubts that most of us would have experienced in her situation?

I don’t think so. And here’s why:

It’s important to know that Mary’s Song is not original to her. She is actually repeating Scripture found in 1 Samuel 2, also known as Hannah’s Song. Though not identical, it is obvious that Mary is intimately familiar with the passage and is calling on it now.

The reason this is significant is that Mary’s Song is not an eruption of spontaneous praise. There words and thoughts are not necessarily an overflow of her heart. She is instead speaking of what she knows the be true about God, even if she doesn’t feel it.

Mary is engaging in an act of discipline. She is actively conforming her heart to her mind. She knows God has been faithful in the past and will continue to be so in the future, but it will probably take her heart awhile to catch up with that knowledge. Until then, she preaches to herself the truths of Scripture. They comfort her at a time when her entire future is totally unknown.

That is a Mary I not only relate to, but can learn from. Mary’s faithfulness is not displayed by her blind joy but her discipline and perseverance in the face of fear and doubt. Tim Keller once described this very type of Scriptural meditation as follows: “Meditation is an inward dialogue with oneself…It means taking your heart in hand, reasoning with it and exhorting it until it becomes engaged in blessing and rejoicing in God. We are not helpless before our emotions, sometimes almost pummeling them into submission.”

The Christmas story is one of hope, yes, but it’s also a story of waiting. Mary was given a promise, but the fulfillment of that promise was yet to come. We will often find ourselves in that same place. God has promised us hope and salvation, but we still live in a world of brokenness, pain and frustration. So as we dwell in this place of waiting, we must respond as Mary did–meditate on the truth of God that we have in Scripture. The same God who delivered the Israelites and the same God who delivered Mary will also deliver us. We must be actively speaking that truth into our hearts every day.

I recently spoke with a woman named Miriam Charter who spent 10 years doing ministry in Communist Europe during the Soviet era. She had gone to Romania to assist the churches there, and God eventually directed her steps to teach women, a ministry the Romanian churches had failed to undertake.

What is remarkable about this story is the manner in which she conducted her ministry. On the one hand, Christianity was opposed by the government so she had to be highly secretive, meeting in the lofts of barns and basements–all places where they could be safe from the watchful eye of the secret police.

Now in light of this fact, that Christianity was being crushed under the iron fist of the government, the second aspect of her ministry was surprising to me. When she met with these women in secret, she gave them the following stipulation for their involvement in her ministry:

“I am willing to take the risks of crossing the iron curtain in order to be here to teach you. I’m willing to invest in you. ON ONE CONDITION: that you will do exactly what I am doing and form the second generation of disciples. Everything I teach you, you will teach the second generation. That’s my condition! If you commit to that – I’ll commit to keep coming regularly to train you.”

She would remind these women of her condition every time she met with them. And every time she met with them she’d ask, “Whose names are in your second generation circles? Who are you investing in? Give me the names of your disciples.” After several years, if they could not give her at least one other name to whom they were passing the faith, she would tell them that they could not continue in the group. She was not going to invest her life in a person who had no interest in reproducing herself.

This “condition” was shocking to me. After all, these women are taking a huge risk simply by meeting with her! Isn’t that commitment enough? Christianity was already struggling–why not take all the women you can get?!

I spoke with Miriam a few days ago about this very thing, and she told me the rest of the story. Since that time, her discipleship program has grown…a LOT. The women she discipled reached out to a second generation of women. That second generation of women reached out to a third. And the third reached out to the fourth. In the coming months, Miriam will return to Romania for a conference with the THOUSANDS of women that have now become disciples of Christ as a result of the movement she began.

I couldn’t believe it, and Miriam’s response was simple: “It was all based on 2 Timothy 2:2. We are to teach others what has been entrusted to us. It worked because it’s biblical.”

What a challenge to those of us who do ministry! It has certainly caused me to rethink my approach to women’s ministry. Women’s ministry often coddles women and provides an emotional support system, but it’s not known for its commitment to rigorous disciple-making. I’ve never told my small group women point blank: “You should be pouring into other women or else I don’t want to be pouring into you.” Sounds kind of harsh, huh? But that’s essentially what Paul said to Timothy. He wasn’t teaching him just for Timothy’s sake. He wanted Timothy to teach others.

If you serve in any type of leadership in your church, keep this bigger picture in mind. Is your circle of influence reproducing itself? Are you pushing the women you teach to teach others? The Bible commands us to go and make disciples, and while we often interpret “disciples” to mean “converts” we are called to much, much more. We should be investing in the Christians around us and raising up radically committed followers of Christ, and I’m afraid I have watered that call down. It appears from the growth of Miriam’s ministry that my “easy call” wasn’t doing anyone any favors, let alone the Kingdom of God.

One of my favorite blogs to read is The View From Her which offers both godly advice and practical advice for women. Last week she posted a blog entitled “Holiday Survival Tips for Singles” that I really loved. While her ideas are certainly helpful, I was most encouraged by the spirit behind them. You can see for yourself:

“The holidays can be a difficult time for singles. We feel awkward at parties full of couples. We get lonely. Our families continually ask when we’re going to bring a nice guy (or girl) home for Christmas. We find ourselves innocently lingering in the general beneath-area of the mistletoe. (…Maybe that’s just me.) Anyway, here are a few positive ways for singles to deal with the holidays.

You know what I’m saying. Don’t wait. Live your life now. Celebrate Christmas in every way you can.”

For more great posts on a View From Her, click here.

I LOVE that story about the cross necklace! Hilarious. But Jan’s (the author) point is also true. A lot of single women put off big purchases and life changes (like buying a house) until they’re married, which makes the living in waiting feel much more acute. I appreciate her acknowledgement of the fact that God has special treasures for single women too. You do not get His table scraps! God wants much more for you than you even want for yourself, so make sure you’re not missing out on it. Special thanks to Jan for grabbing hold of that truth and living it out!

While the Bible teaches women to “help” their husbands, there’s a lot of confusion about what that actually means. There are a number of different factors contributing to this confusion, but I was challenged and encouraged on this topic by a recent post on Wendy Alsup’s blog.

She begins with the misconception that many women have about what godly manhood looks like as it is lived out by imperfect men. Married women and single women alike should bear this advice in mind and adjust our expectations accordingly. We cannot help our husbands if we don’t know how they need help:

“There is much teaching now on strong male leadership in the church and home. If effort isn’t made in a book or sermon to carefully parse the doctrine of sanctification, distinguishing between the image of God to which we are being conformed and the realities of our depravity until we are glorified, a woman can become very discouraged by the nebulous image of Joe Christian Dude, pastor dad, leading his family from a position of strength and power, constant in character in the marathon Christian walk. The truth is that that caricature of the overcoming Christian man is just that … a caricature. He doesn’t exist. Or actually he does exist, but only in one single person, the perfect man Christ Jesus. For ALL other men, he may be the goal, but he is not the reality. Get that, ladies – even the pastors who seem like that guy, the ones that you secretly wish you’d married, do NOT have it together like that. Godly men may be somewhere along that journey, but none of them have arrived.”

Don’t miss that! On the days when your husband seems like an insensitive jerk and you wish he was more like your pastor who has it all together and seems like such a strong spiritual leader, remember Alsup’s words! Your pastor is a man, just like your husband, which means he wrestles with a lot of the same struggles as your husband. That also means your pastor’s wife bears a lot of the same frustrations and doubts as you. We will only be bitter, begrudging helpers until we accept that fact.

Alsup then goes on to examine the Hebrew word for “helper” used in Genesis 2, ezer, to explore this concept further:

“God created the first woman to be a “helper suitable” to her male counterpart. But it is important to note that the Hebrew word for help is much stronger than our English term. When you think of “the help”, you may envision a maid, butler, or cook standing to the side waiting for a master of power and authority to give some order. If that’s your idea of what it means to be a helper suitable to your husband, you have missed the Biblical meaning of the term. Instead, think of the Man of Sorrows carrying His cross toward Gethsemene. As He stumbles, Simon of Cyrene steps in to carry it with (or for) Him. This is a much closer picture of the Biblical concept of Help. It’s not a maid….It’s not a mindless sidekick waiting on an order. It’s Morpheus or Trinity to the Matrix’s Neo. The Hebrew word is strong.

God’s example reveals a high and worthy calling for wives as “helpers suitable to their husbands”. We are not glorified maids, butlers, or cooks simply waiting on an order to perform from a master. This is not God’s example of help at all!! We are called to show compassion, to support, defend and protect, to deliver from distress and to comfort, to bear burdens and sometimes hold up as a crutch. We are called to be conduits of God’s grace in our homes. We are called to be like Christ.”

(To read the whole blog, click here.)

I really appreciate Alsup’s explanation of “helper.” Not only does she separate roles from tasks (two terms that our culture often conflates) but she reminds us to keep our expectations Biblical. If a man was perfect like Jesus, he wouldn’t need help. We should never judge or look down on men for wrestling with insecurities or fears. They are not less masculine when they struggle or doubt themselves. On the contrary, those battles only clarify our role as a helper.

Knowing that, we will not fulfill our calling to help by learning how to bake the perfect casserole or decorate a home just so. Those are tasks. Your role is to build your husband up as a man of God, and you can only do that as a diligent woman of God. Being a godly helper therefore starts not in the kitchen, but in God’s Word.