Basically his marriage was on the rocks, his wife was divorcing him, he was hoping for reconciliation (which we were praying for as well), but during the hurt of it all he got involved with someone else and in the space of a few weeks went from desperately wanting to save his marriage to wanting for it to be over so he could marry his new sweetheart.

Whether we were to blame for the eventual outcome (there were a couple missteps made on our part in the way we handled it for sure), only God can say, but the end result was he decided we were being legalistic and controlling, that there was nothing wrong with the relationship, and so opted to leave the group when we would not apologize for our stance and accept the relationship.

This was several years ago and we haven’t been in touch since, but I still think back and wonder how we could have handled it better, if only we had said X and not Y…stuff like that. It hurts to know that our actions resulted in the destruction of our fellowship, regardless of who was really at fault.

I have been a Christian all my life, and in a weak moment of temptation, married my non – believer , hindu lover. Years of trying to be someone who i am not, and hating every thing about our hindu life, i was pleasantly surprised to see my Bro in law convert to Christianity. I thanked the Lord for the sign…and came back to believing and Church going. What I didnt realise is that my Bro in law had converted to escape an angry wife and insecurities, and entered an adulterous affair leading to his rejection from his brother, my husband and a very difficult time for me. I knew what my Bil was going through as he refused to participate in all the rituals during his mother’s death, and we have kind of grown closer. He is such a wonderful support to me in my struggle with his brother’s insecurities now due to my confidence in the Lord being bufferred by his own brother. Only God can be praised.

But, despite all of this, I have been through the feelings of rejection and shame when I heard of the BIL’s affair, and I can only thank God that he had a good pastor to fall back on and show him the way.

I do hope more people read and understand this well. Especially where it matters to someone in a very deep way.

You have said that your friend is admittedly unrepentant, and since she is under church discipline I think it is right that your friendship has undergone “adjustments” as you said. Sin divides, and that is not your fault. That said, part of the impact of church discipline is to create a longing for the church community. When one loses the benefits and fellowship of their church body due to sin, that loss is meant to create clarity and a yearning for restoration. But if we half-heartedly enact church discipline, this effect is not achieved.

Every situation is different so I can’t offer anything concrete in your situation, but I think it is right for you to uphold your church’s stance while emphasizing to your friend that you love her and want to be there for her and that her repentance will mean instant forgiveness and reconciliation. I don’t think that requires cutting her off altogether (ie. screening her calls), but it does mean being clear about your feelings on the matter and changing your relationship. I would imagine your behavior toward her will look like more of a dance than a list of rules to follow as you discern the right response in each situation.

But we all have to remember that at the end of the day, church discipline IS prescribed by Scripture in communities where there is Christian fellowship, trust, and intimacy (the kind of community that makes this kind of discipline effective is a topic for another day!) so we have to trust that God will use our faithfulness, even when it is hard. But the emphasis must ALWAYS be on love and restoration.

I agree that a couple of things could have been inappropriate, depending on how the church leaders were communicating it. One can speak truth to someone in various ways, so there is a possibility that it was done harshly.

I also wholeheartedly agree that church discipline is a fine line to walk. Christians and churches have a tendency to come across as judgemental, not helpful or encouraging, in a lot of cases. At the same time, none of us wants to be rebuked, so a lot of times legitimate counsel gets reacted to poorly (we all want to make ourselves out to be the victim).

Regarding some of the other criticisms of this method of church discipline, I have to disagree that insisting that the offending party apologize goes beyond what Paul and Jesus tells us to do. The Matt 18 example is between two people initially only because the person who confronted the sinner was the victim of the offense.

For example, if I found out that an elder an was guilty of adultery, but the wife did not know, would it be sufficient for the pastor to “repent” to me, without coming clean to his wife? If the offending party has harmed someone else, and it’s serious enough to warrant church discipline, I don’t think we can call it repentence if they haven’t asked for forgiveness from those that they harmed. So while I agree that leading a person to repentance is the true goal, I don’t think it’s true repentance unless it is accompanied by confession and seeking forgiveness. (Much the same way faith alone saves, but faith without works is dead)

Either way, at the very least this situation gives us a good opportunity to examine two things, and has challenged me personally to carefully watch how I act if a fellow Christian is in sin, and also how I think about the Church, and whether my modern sensibilities are making me recoil from real community in the Church when I am the one who did the sinning.

That all makes me question church discipline that goes beyond leading a person to repentance. Things like demanding a person do certain things after repentance, such as going to those harmed and asking forgiveness or attending certain church functions (home group or Sunday services or whatever), go beyond what Jesus and Paul tell us to do. In fact, once the person repents I think the matter is closed, biblically.

Great article, Sharon.

Tim

Now, the article indicated that the bigger issue was the tone and manner in which those standards were implemented. The person under discipline seemed to feel that the process revealed some unhealthy control issues that made him feel uncomfortable and unsafe, a dynamic which would certainly discourage others from confessing for fear of judgment. But again, that is a matter of opinion that cannot be determined by reading a mere blog post about it.

Either way, my point in raising the issue was not to debate the church’s “rightness.” Instead, I wanted to use it as a conversation starter that goes beyond bashing churches that we disagree with. Whether or not the church handled everything (or most of) the process correctly, it is a reality that Christians are hurt when the church discipline process is mishandled. In fact, I was just talking to a counselor about how many of her clients are in therapy due to such mishandling. That is not to say that Christians inappropriately bristle at church discipline–you are right that it’s a foreign paradigm for our culture–but that doesn’t mean churches don’t also make mistakes along the way.

For church discipline to be effective, I think humility and trust is required on the part of both parties. Leaders have to humbly admit their frailty in such difficult situations and also trust that a repentant Christian is indeed sincere and treat them accordingly. Church members, in turn, need to trust the judgment of their leaders, even when it’s hard, and humbly recognize that God placed them in leadership for a reason.

But I think you’re right–the fact that church discipline is so strange to our modern sensibilities does not help the situation. Submission to authority is not a popular option when leaders require something difficult, even when it is for the good of the church member.

Going back over what was being asked of the person in question, what it boiled down to was this:

- Keep attending Community Group/church
- Don’t serve for the time being in the Church
- Don’t tempt yourself while you are working through the ramifications of your sin
- Fully admit and repent of what you were hiding in your past.
- Fully admit and repent of the current sin that brought all this to light
- Seek forgiveness from those that you’ve harmed in the above ways

Really, I can’t really claim that any of these things are over the line or harsh. I also don’t really think it’s unreasonable for a pastor/elder to oversee this, to ensure that full reconciliation does occur.

I agree that it’s hard to imagine someone reading the story (as told online) and wanting to confess sin in this area. At the same time, maybe it’s because we, as modern day Christians, struggle with the idea of church discipline in general. I am quite sure that most Christians (myself included) initially react as if it’s harsh to ” to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 5) or “if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matt 18).

So I wonder, are the above steps that were requested really harsh? Or were they reasonable, and we just struggle with the idea of Church discipline in general?