The longer I am a Christian the more I am convinced I spend too much time thinking about myself.

Each day, how much time do I give to thinking about my clothes, my hair, my make-up, my body? Oh how much time is wasted on feeling dissatisfied with my body! And then there is my reputation–what do other people think of me? Does everyone like me? Did I do something to cause a person to dislike me? Do people think I’m smart? Do people think I’m a good writer? Do people admire me?

Although self-reflection is a good and important part of the Christian life, I would say that the edifying kind of self-reflection–in which I praise God for my creation and repent of my sinfulness–constitutes only about 10% of the time I spend thinking about myself. And 10% might be generous.

The reality is that a good portion of the time I spend obsessing over the things I don’t like about myself, or the time I spend managing the way I appear to others, is not only time wasted but time I do not enjoy in the least. It prevents me from feeling content, peaceful, and joyful. It is an unwelcome distraction from the things that really matter, and yet I continually invite these thoughts into my mind each day.

The time I spend thinking about myself–and the consequent dissatisfaction it causes–have increasingly convinced me that this is a major trap for women in the church, a trap that we can unwittingly push one another into. Although we need women’s ministries that facilitate fellowship and teaching about our shared life experiences, I’m afraid this model merely perpetuates self-focus. If we never break out of the “Isn’t it so hard being a woman/wife/mother” model of ministry we will never move on to worship. In fact, a self-centered model of ministry is somewhat self-perpetuating. The longer we focus mostly on ourselves and our problems, the less joy we will have in our lives, and the more we will feel the need to re-hash those problems.

We need to throw a wrench in that cycle.

But how? For me personally, I’ve realized that I need to take Philippians 4:8-9 more seriously:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Too often I think on things which orient me back to myself. I think about the women on the covers of magazines or female friends with bodies I envy. I think about how I can make my life more perfect and put together. I think about how to get other people to like me. I compare my marriage and my life to the other people around me. Between television shows, Pinterest and the mall, I am inundated with objects of reflection that lead straight back to myself, rather than God.

It is important for women to own up to the fact that some of our dissatisfaction is rooted not in our life circumstances but in the location of our thoughts. Constant self-reflection is too small and broken a thing to produce the peace and freedom that comes from reflection on the things of God. However, to have the sort of thought life that is free from the bondage of the self is a discipline. It involves more than changing the substance of one’s thoughts, but being aware of those influences that direct our thoughts.

What is the chief director of your thoughts? And where are your thoughts directed? Do you think on that which is true, honorable, pure, lovely and excellent? When your friends come to you to commiserate about the challenges of life, do you merely chime in with your own woes, or do you have a larger goal in mind? Will you be the kind of sister who aids in another’s self-absorption, or will you invite them to remember that which is commendable and worthy of praise? While it is important to listen and comfort one another in our struggles, will you stay in that place of dissatisfaction and self-focus, or slowly re-orient yourself toward a grander object of reflection?

This week I attended the Willow Creek Association’s Global Leadership Summit, and I will confess that I began the conference with a skeptical attitude. Lately I’ve found myself re-evaluating a lot of the leadership rhetoric that so pervades the evangelical church, wondering how much of it is even based on Christ. That is a post for another day, but suffice it to say that I arrived a little leery.

To my surprise and delight, the Summit exceeded all my expectations. It was phenomenal and I highly recommend it to everyone. Each year the Summit is broadcast all over the world so it is actually quite accessible to anyone. It is also remarkably unique in its speaker line-up. We heard from pastors, a psychologist, a mayor, a college president, an entrepreneurial expert, the Washington, DC school superintendent, and a Nobel Peace Prize nominee who works among the poor in Egypt. It was like drinking from a fire hydrant, but it was also humbling and inspiring.

That said, I’m going to devote the next few blog posts to some of the conference highlights. I wish I had room to share everything I learned, but these nuggets of wisdom should be a terrific glimpse.

Today I want to start with a speaker from my own home town of Charlotte, NC, Steven Furtick. Although I don’t know Steven personally we have numerous mutual friends and I have heard him speak several times. He is like lightning in a bottle, and he is an exceptionally gifted preacher.

He talked about a number of things during his session at the Summit, but he said one thing that particularly stood out to me. It was only a side note–not even the main point–but it’s worth repeating. What he said was this:

“One of the reasons we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.”

I don’t know about you, but comparison is one of the chief robbers of my joy. I can feel so confident in my writing or my personal accomplishments, only to be utterly deflated when I hear about someone younger who is more successful.

I also find myself incredibly discouraged when I reach my goals more slowly than I had hoped, only to watch others surge ahead with ease and poise. It can be disheartening to say the least.

Shortly after I graduated from college, my school released a study describing a pressure felt by female students to achieve  “effortless perfection.” This term referred to students who, in addition to being brilliant and academically elite, were also thin, beautiful, and always well-dressed. What’s more, they seemed to do it all without breaking a sweat. Effortless perfection.

As far as I’m concerned, that idea is from the devil. It’s a lie. It’s a con. Not only is no one perfect, but no one can look perfect without some elbow grease. No woman wakes up in the morning with her hair perfectly coiffed and her make-up looking just so. Honestly, I don’t even KNOW how to apply make-up the way some women do. That kind of ability takes time, practice and skill.

Don’t be conned by the lie of effortless perfect. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. Don’t compare your first-thing-in-the-morning face to the women who have been airbrushed in magazines or who spent an hour getting ready in the morning. Don’t compare the unglamorous craziness of raising a family to the selected pictures you see on facebook or mommy blogs.

Comparison will steal your joy and it will threaten your motivation. It convinces you that you’re a failure, which makes you all the more likely to give up. Don’t let it. See through the deception and trust God. He doesn’t need a perfectly put together woman to accomplish His work. In fact, those efforts only get in the way. You serve a God whose power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9), so fix your eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen (2 Cor. 4:18). God has you right where He wants you to be.

Well it’s almost mid-May in Chicago which, I am learning, means that Spring is finally  starting to peek out from under the frozen tundra. It’s not in full bloom, mind you, but there are some flowers here and there and I finally put away my down coat until next winter.

In case you were wondering, I really miss North Carolina.

As Ike and I mark our first successful survival of an Illinois winter, we have both concluded that we don’t like the winter at all, but for two very different reasons. For me, it’s the length that’s a killer. I was fine back in January when it was 4 degrees outside, but when it’s late April and still in the 30′s? That’s not right at all. Ike, on the other hand, doesn’t mind the cold. In fact, he prefers it to the humid summer heat. What he doesn’t like about the winters is that it transforms his wife into a shapeless amoeba of winter wear.

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but suffice it to say that he likes my figure and was frustrated by the fact that I was bundled up all the time. Indoors or outdoors, I was consistently covered in wool or long underwear. Not exactly every man’s dream.

This seasonal development led to some interesting conversations between the two of us, which then led to some great conversations with my girl friends. While it is generally accepted that women should try to dress and look good for their husbands, we don’t often talk about why that is, and the potential pitfalls in such a blanket statement. So that’s what I want to address today. As a Christian woman, how should I think through dressing, exercising, wearing makeup, etc. for my husband?

There have been a lot of books written on this topic, explaining that men are “visual” and women need to “speak their husband’s love language” and on and on and on. I don’t altogether disagree with those reasons but they’re a bad place to start. Every person’s understanding of beauty is culturally constructed and can, at times, be in conflict with God’s design for creation. Of course it is impossible to extract ourselves entirely from our culture, but there is a better place to begin this conversation than with the moving target of male desires and expectations.

That said, the optimal foundation for this discussion is found in the marriage between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:25). When it comes to the touchy subject of women and appearance, the model of Christ and his Bride is a really beautiful and healthy example. From this relationship we learn two things:

1. Christ’s love for the church is not based on works. Christians do nothing to “earn” God’s acceptance and love. We don’t need to pretty ourselves up or get our lives in order first. We can come just as we are and be loved unconditionally. Similarly, a wife should never use her looks to earn her husband’s love and attention. Appearance should not be a bribe or a hook to hold onto his affection. If you find yourself getting dolled up for fear of losing your husband’s interest, there is a problem. This type of fear has no place in the relationship between Christ and the church, nor should it in marriage.

Before I move to the second point, let me add a final thought here. In addition to adorning ourselves out of insecurity, women sometimes justify vanity under the guise of serving our husbands. I am totally guilty of this! I know my husband likes me to look good so I fully indulge my vanity, going so far as to count it godly since it is done for the sake of my marriage. It is so easy to let sins in the back door of pretended holiness!

2. Christ does not require but inspires good works. Although good works are not necessary for salvation, James 2 reminds us that faith without works is dead. James made that statement with the knowledge that a true follower of Christ, one who has been captured by his love and has committed their lives to him, will show it. Not out of obligation but inspiration.

In the same way, a callous heart towards a husband’s desires speaks volumes about the relationship. On the one hand, it could indicate that her husband is not loving her well. She may have been hardened by neglect or insecurity. However, some fault might also lie in her heart. For instance, I’ll admit there are days when I resent men who want their wives to look good for them. It can feel like an oppressive extension of an already perverted culture. Yet my reaction isn’t altogether fair. Many men have reasonable expectations of their wives. They don’t want their wives to look like Barbie dolls–they simply want to celebrate their wives’ beauty.

In a healthy Christian marriage it is good for your husband to delight in your body. And as a response to his love and commitment, it is good to take care of your body and allow him that delight. This mostly means being healthy, but it can also mean asking your husband about his preferences in what you wear and how you dress. Not because you have to earn his attention, and not because he won’t love you otherwise, but because you love him. It is a decision made with the same freedom we have to serve Christ.

Outward appearance is indeed a sticky issue given the ways in which our culture so heavily distorts beauty. But the solution is not to reject all outward forms of beauty anymore than it is to give into them. What matters is that your body is a means for loving your husband, loving yourself, and most importantly loving God. Christian husbands and wives know they are closest to this goal when their service to one another mirrors the love we see in Christ.

Right now a friend of mine is reading a book called The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America by Drew Pinksky, and it sounds fascinating. The book examines the narcissistic behaviors of modern day celebrities, and the ways in which “the rest of us, especially young people, are mirroring these dangerous traits in our own behavior.” (From the publisher’s description)

Last night over dinner, my friend shared some interesting tidbits from the book, such as the growing tendency to look at another person and not see them, but instead a mirror reflecting back on you. The way others treat you and speak about you informs your self-understanding and self-image. For a growing number of Americans, the world is nothing but a mirror pointing back to them.

Pinsky likened this mirror effect to the concept of “object permanence.” In case you are unfamiliar with the term, object permanence refers to our understanding that an object continues to exist, even when it moves out of sight. Infants do not begin with this framework and must learn to acquire it, but the rest of us easily understand that as soon as your friend leaves the room, her disappearance does not signify her non-existence.

However, as easily as we comprehend object permanence, many Americans struggle with the notion of “image permanence.” A person without the capacity for image permanence is dependent on constant affirmation in order to maintain a positive self-image. The moment that affirmation is gone, their positive self-image goes with it. There is no ability to sustain healthy self-image apart from the praise of others.

Now I have to admit, these words are rather timely for me. The world of blogging can be a brutal one, and the more I write for well-read blogs and online publications, the the more likely I am to get criticized. And people can be MEAN! So in the midst of criticism, I find myself oscillating between the one extreme of feeling hurt and insecure, or the other extreme of anger, which leads me to think equally mean thoughts about the people who criticize me. Neither end of the spectrum is productive or edifying.

Which is why I so appreciated my friend’s solution. As we talked about the mirror effect she noted that Scripture, not other people, should serve as our ultimate mirror. Not only does it reflect back to us God’s love and His perfect plan for creation (which includes us!), but it also foists our eyes off of ourselves. When we look into God’s Word, we are not only told who we are, but we are also reminded (blessedly!) that this world is not about us. Our lives are not our own. We were created for a glorious purpose, and only God knows what that is. Ultimately, our lives are to be pointed God-ward, not inward.

As discouraging as our narcissistic culture can be, it is not new. In the 4th century, the great Christian theologian St. Augustine used strikingly similar language to Pinsky. He spoke of our souls as being turned in upon themselves, away from God. Apart from God’s grace, we are helpless to choose anything but our broken, self-serving ways. Without God’s intervening love, we are not free. Our wills are in bondage to sin, and ourselves.

That is why I found this book so convicting. By God’s grace, through faith in Christ, I am free from that inward-pointing narcissism. And still I choose it. In so many ways my heart looks just like the celebutantes Pinksy described. I hope to do a better job of using Scripture as a mirror, but more importantly I aim to lean more on God’s grace in this area of my life. I am tired of thinking so much about myself. I want to be free enough to forget myself and instead live the life God set out for me to have.

In my last post I told you about an interview I had scheduled for this this week on the True Sisterhood Podcast. Today I want to fill you in on how it went! The podcast format is like a Christian, radio version of The View. The podcast features four women of different ages and gifts who get together each week to talk about issues relating to women. They invite a guest for each show, and I highly recommend you subscribe so that you can get in on the conversation. They talk about some very thought-provoking subjects, and each woman has a refreshingly unique perspective. I don’t even think I brought anything particularly special to the mix–these ladies were all so incredibly sharp!

If you click on the link above, it will take you to the main page and the audio from my interview is on the left. Let me know what you think!

One issue we wanted to discuss further but didn’t have time was the question of how our appearance affects others. I broached this topic some in my last post, but as I’ve thought about it further I believe there are three Scriptural teachings to consider when it comes to makeup, appearance, or even the shoes you buy, the food you eat and the movies you watch: Your love for God, your love for your neighbor, and your love for yourself.

Love for God

Makeup and other spiritual crutches can threaten our love for God when we depend on them more than Him. In the case of makeup, it’s striking how often women use the language of “confidence,” as if increased confidence is a healthy theological justification. While it is not wrong to like wearing makeup (it certainly can be fun!), we need to examine our hearts when it becomes the source of our security and social courage. Our confidence comes from the unshakable foundation of the love of Christ. Period.

Love for Neighbor

Makeup can also threaten our love for our neighbors when it is worn in a way that causes our sisters to stumble. This guideline should not, of course, lead to a kind of legalism in which all makeup is declared to be evil. The women around you are responsible for their own hearts as well. But knowing the degree to which women grapple with body image, we need to think carefully about how we are encouraging our sisters, rather than reinforcing their insecurities.

Love for Self

Given that Jesus tells us to love our neighbors “as ourselves,” healthy self-love is implied in his words. This means loving ourselves as God created us to be. Our self-acceptance is not contingent upon anything other than God’s sovereignty, trusting that He created just as we are for a reason.

As I close out this discussion of makeup and appearance, let me reiterate that makeup neither encourages nor hinders the above commands to love. It is all in how you use it. We should give sober consideration to the reality that makeup and beauty have been tremendously perverted in our culture, so let’s not be naive about it. But we are also free in Christ and there are numerous ways to celebrate our bodies. Whether we accent our favorite features through lip gloss or a green scarf that brings out our eyes, we should never feel ashamed to do so. As long as we are honestly loving God, loving others, and loving ourselves in the process.

About a month and a half ago I posted an entry called Taking Off Your Makeup, and this past week a version of it was re-posted on Christianity Today’s blog for women, Her.meneutics. Surprisingly, Christianity Today has a wider readership than my personal blog (please note sarcasm) and I received a lot of wonderful feedback as a result! For example, this week I will be interviewed on the True Sisterhood Podcast as a follow-up to my article (I’ll post more info on that later this week). My preparation for that interview leads me to the topic of today’s post.

As I reflected on the topic of the interview I decided to watch a documentary called America the Beautiful. I highly recommend this film if you have not seen it, although I should warn you that it does contain harsh language and sexual images. It is not a film for young girls. I do, however, want to watch it again with my husband so that we can talk through it together. The overall aim of the documentary is to expose the methods by which our culture objectifies women in ways that are emotionally and physically harmful. One of the chief questions raised by the film, in my opinion, concerns the true nature of beauty. To what extent is beauty culturally defined? And given that extent, how much are we really in control of it? We might claim that we enjoy makeup and fashion in a healthy way, but there’s a blurry line between personal desire and culturally imposed standards.

The film raises so many different issues that I can’t possibly discuss them all here, but there was one moment that really stood out to me. Near the end of the documentary, the filmmaker interviewed a married couple who had lost a daughter to bulimia. As they reflected on the steps that led to her eating disorder, the mother recalled, “I would have never complained about the way I look in front of my daughter had I known she was struggling with her own self-image. When you think about it, most young girls grow up believing their moms are beautiful. But when we complain about the way we look, we reshape their notions of beauty and pass on our insecurities to them since they probably have the same body as us.”

This statement hit me square between the eyes. First of all, it resonated with my own childhood. When I was a little girl, I thought my mom was the most beautiful women in the whole world. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking how lucky I was to have such a pretty mom, and feeling sorry for other kids whose moms weren’t as pretty as mine! I can only assume my children will have similar sentiments.

Given that assumption, I have spent the last 20 years instilling some dangerous habits in myself. I complain about my body a LOT to my husband. There are certain aspects of myself with which I am never satisfied. But never had I considered that I could pass those insecurities on to my children.

In the Old Testament we are reminded of the power of a person’s legacy. Exodus 20:5, 34:7, Numbers 14:18 and Deuteronomy 5:9 all warn about children being punished for the sins of their parents. Fortunately, Christ has received the punishment for our sins so we no longer live in fear of those passages. Even so, there is an element of them that nevertheless stands true. Our sins impact those around us. Especially those who look up to us.

Whether you are a mom or a mentor, your personal insecurities and vanities can have consequences for the women around you. Whether it is your daughter or a young woman in college who looks to you as an example of godliness, your actions speak louder than words. I am greatly humbled by that reality. My weaknesses and insecurities are great, and I tremble to think of the example I set when younger women witness their ugliness.

All of that to say, the fight against insecurity and poor body image is not simply about ourselves. It is about the women around us as well. When we stand before God we will not only have to account for how we treated the body He gave us, but we will also have to account for the ways in which we were a stumbling block to others. From this perspective, loving ourselves is intimately connected to loving others.

So as I close, I want to end with one final word to my readers. Every week I get on this blog and I write about the things that God is teaching me. However, I do not write as an expert but as a woman in process. Most of the time I am preaching to myself, praying for the mercy to live out the things I know to be true. My life is not an example of perfection but of redemption. I admit there are and will continue to be inconsistencies between what I teach and how I live. I confess that and I repent. I also pray for the grace to lessen that gap. Please know that my struggles are just like yours, and I apologize if I ever feed into your insecurities, rather than point you to the One who can lift you out of them. I am just a spiritual pauper pointing other women to the One who gives me food. Christ alone is our all in all, and I pray that my personal inadequacies never distract you from him.

When it comes to makeup, I’m the kind of girl who has managed to get by with the most meager knowledge of how to wear it. I know the basics, but anything venturing near the realm of real makeup competence is beyond my skill level. I wear just enough to cover up the circles under my eyes without flirting with the risk of “clown face.”

Even so, I was incredibly convicted by something I discovered in my research last week. I’ve been studying the work of Maria Harris, a Catholic professor of religious education who wrote a lot about female spirituality. In her book Dance of the Spirit, she challenges women with the following words:

“Possibly the suggestion that we take off our makeup, or go outside without it, creates a feeling close to panic. (“Oh God, no”) If we react that way, it may be we are shocked by the suggestion that we allow someone else to see us as we actually are.”

Harris then adds,

“I know. I wear makeup. But I marvel at women who go without it, and I notice how comfortable men are in public without it. And I wonder what our doing away with it, not all the time but on occasion, as an experiment, might do in awakening our spirituality. After all, in West Side Story, Maria didn’t sing, ‘I look pretty.’ She sang, ‘I feel pretty.’”

Harris then goes on to describe other forms of makeup that we wear to hide ourselves, such as the facial expressions we don to mask what we’re truly feeling. Those of us who are driven by the need to people please are prone to behave as expected, even if our hearts and minds would have us do otherwise.

But no matter what kind of makeup you use to hide who you really are, I am inspired by Harris’ charge to occasionally step out from behind those veils. I also appreciate her balanced approach–rather than condemning all makeup as an evil itself, she encourages women to keep it in check. From time to time, take off your makeup and go out in public–it is a quick indicator of where your confidence lies!

In fact, I decided to make an experiment out of this idea. A couple days ago Ike and his family had planned to spend the day Christmas shopping, so I made the decision to leave the house without an ounce of makeup on my face. I valiantly descended the stairs as I announced, “Today I am going out without makeup on as an act of Christian discipleship!” (My husband understandably rolled his eyes. It was the appropriate response.)

However, my confidence faltered as soon as I walked in the first store. I kept wanting to tell the sales people, “I don’t normally look like this.” As if they even cared! Goodness, what an eye-opening experience it was! Eventually I adjusted to the change, but the whole time I kept asking myself, “Why do I feel so naked without makeup?”

As I pondered my makeup crutch, I was reminded of 1 Peter 3:3-4 which says,

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

True beauty, as God defines it here, takes a lot of work. Worldly beauty does not. And yet, I spend most of my time cultivating worldly beauty instead of godly beauty. Which is why I feel so naked when my worldly beauty is taken away–I am not confident in my spiritual beauty because I haven’t invested the same amount of time into it.

For another clue as to why I feel so naked without makeup, I need only look to my ancestral sister, Eve. When sin entered the world she immediately felt naked and ashamed, so she tried to cover herself. Thousands of years later I continue to feel that shame about who God created me to be, focusing on my faults instead of rejoicing in the divine image written into my being. As Harris said above, I am afraid for people to see me as I really am, even though God Himself created me this way.

So I challenge you to try this experiment yourself. For some of you this isn’t much of a challenge because you’re one of the glorious few who can leave the house without a shred of eye-liner or mascara and feel totally beautiful. I admire you! But for the rest of you who draw confidence from your makeup, pick a day to shed your makeup and then study your heart in the process. See what you discover and even report back here. I would love to hear what you learn!

All you hopeless romantics out there are probably familiar with the plot-twisting scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary in which Bridget–the insecure, unlucky-in-love heroine of the film–hears something quite shocking from a man in her life, words so unusual that even her friends  are stunned to hear them:

“I like you very much. Just as you are.”

Just as you are. It’s no wonder Bridget was shocked to hear these words! We live in a world where women are often judged according to what they can do or produce, not simply who they are as individuals–Have you found a man to marry you? How many children do you have? How well do you cook? Are you able to keep your house clean and well-decorated at all times? Have you scrap-booked all of your children’s milestones? How well are your kids performing in school? And can you do all these things well while maintaining a fit and trim figure to please your husband?

With air-brushed models on magazine stands and the perfect Proverbs 31 women hanging over our heads in church, Christian women also struggle with feeling like they don’t measure up. Our society has very particular standards of value and we can easily become slaves to them. As a result, it’s hard to ever feel that you are really loved, just as you are, with lasting certainty. Truly unconditional love can seem rather elusive.

As a single woman I felt this elusiveness in an especially acute way, often wondering if ANY man could ever love me just the way I am. But the wondering did not end on my wedding day. Even now, I catch myself worrying about whether I compare to the super models that my husband sees on t.v., questioning whether he’s still glad that he married me or if he sometimes feels duped.

No matter what stage of life, we will be faced with the temptation to prove ourselves or earn people’s respect on a fairly consistent basis. And for good reason–we want to be good wives, mothers, friends and daughters. Even so, the unending treadmill of people-pleasing can be exhausting, and at the end of the day it doesn’t offer a security and acceptance that lasts.

Given this production-driven value system, I was refreshed and encouraged by a quote I heard this week. It came from a commentary on Genesis 2 in which Adam first encountered Eve. Seeing her for the first time, Adam spontaneously offers a poetic pronouncement, words that scholar Derek Kidner described the following way:

“The naming of the animals, a scene which portrays man as monarch of all he surveys, poignantly reveals him as a social being, made for fellowship, not power: he will not live until he loves, giving himself away (24) to another on his own level.  So the woman is presented wholly as his partner and counterpart; nothing is yet said of her as childbearer.  She is valued for herself alone.”

(Derek Kidner.  Genesis.  Tyndale Commentary Series. InterVarsity Press, 1967. p. 65)

Isn’t that beautiful?? Adam expects nothing of her–in fact, he is only focused on his role in serving her. Her value comes not from her beauty, her ability to bear children, or any other measure of a “good Christian wife.” She is highly valued simply for who she is.

That was Eden. That was the perfect male-female relationship that God intended.

Sadly, we don’t live in that perfect garden anymore. Our world is marred by misguided cultural norms and selfish motives–all of which impose themselves on the female identity. However, this snapshot of a pure moment between the first man and woman reminds us that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. The pressures we feel to be a good Christian woman, wife and mother are not from God. These value standards are not what God intended, nor are they any reflection of your value you as a woman.

So I want to encourage you with that today. If you are longing to be loved just the way you are, or if you are constantly plagued by the feeling that you just can’t measure up in some particular area, remember that it’s not supposed to be that way. The way that our world (and sometimes the church!) values women is a sign of the Fall. It is a sign of brokenness and sin. It is NOT a sign of your worth. God created you just the way you are because He wanted you that way. Yes, God wants to redeem your life from the sin that imprisons you, but when it comes to the special ways He created you to reflect His image, He wouldn’t change a thing.

There is a Psalm that captures my imagination every time I read it. It’s Psalm 115, and in verses 4-8 we read about the consequences of looking to idols instead of God:

“Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands.
They have mouths, but do not speak;
eyes but do not see.
They have ears but do not hear;
noses but do not smell.
They have hands but do not feel;
feet but do not walk;
and they do not make a sound in their throat.
Those who make them become like them;
so do all who trust in them.”

“Those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them.” Those are powerful, haunting words. Ever since I read them I have been praying for insight into their meaning for my own life, and I want to share it with you now.

Since reading these words, God has identified 2 key idols in my life (though they are countless more) that have shaped my identity as a result of “putting my trust in them.” The first is the way I look. Last night my husband and I talked about walking the line between looking good for him versus looking good for sinful reasons. Because it’s important for me to take care of myself and look good for my husband, I often allow this pure motive to disguise my impure motives. My more superficial or insecure motives slip in the back door under the excuse of pleasing my husband. But in reality, there is an idol there.

As I reflected on what the above Scripture means for my soul in this regard, I realized that when I make material things into an idol, I “become just like them.” That is to say, all glamour but no substance. The things I wear look pretty, but at the end of the day they’re just cotton, plastic or glass. What I wear may look pretty but only for a moment. That with which I adorn my body is only passing away because it’s not made of anything that lasts. It’s cheap and poorly made.

According to the above Scripture, I am becoming just like the adornments I just described. The more I put my trust in how I look, the more my identity will become like them. I will become superficial. My soul will abide in things that do not last. I may look glamorous, but the substance of my soul is cheap.

The second idol that God identified to me is my husband and my marriage. I had to think a little bit harder about what it means to “become like them” in regard to my husband. While it is certainly true that the two of us can become like one another in negative ways, pulling one another down instead of building one another up, I think the better interpretation here is that my identity becomes too intertwined with his. It’s not that I am literally turning into my husband, but that I cannot distinguish my own identity apart from him.

This becomes most noticeable when he hurts my feelings or disappoints me. It can be devastating, and because my identity is tied to his in an idolatrous way, I am wrecked by it. I have no resource for stepping outside of the situation and speaking, hearing, seeing and feeling like Christ because I am more tied to my husband than I am to Him. So while it is true that a husband and wife are to become one, that unity is to be sustained by Christ, not apart from him. From this perspective, there have been times when our union has gone rogue.

Those are just two of the countless other idols with which our identities get entwined. Our children, our careers, getting attention from the opposite sex, our abilities, the size and beauty of our house and even our hobbies can become idols that shape who we are instead of being shaped by Christ. So I challenge you to examine your own life in light of the above passage. What are your idols, and how are you becoming like them? This Scripture is a helpful reminder that worship is not simply a matter of God wanting out attention, but because what we worship determines our identities and He designed us to be like Him, not our impotent idols.

The other day I was looking for a book at a Christian bookstore, and whenever I go I like to swing by the “Women’s Interest” section just to see what women are writing about these days. On this most recent visit, I noticed how many of the books dealt with the topic of beauty. A surprisingly large percentage of the books addressed the issue from varying perspectives: what is true beauty, what does it mean to be beautiful in the Lord’s eyes, how to fight for your beauty, etc.

Another large percentage dealt with what I call “survival issues”–healing, managing a busy schedule, overcoming hard times, bad marriages, difficult kids, etc.  Between self-help and beauty, I’d say those topics constituted about 80-90% of the women’s section.

This ratio made quite an impression on me. It also led me to reflect on whether this trend is spiritually healthy, given that it so thoroughly dominates the teaching that is out there. I’ve addressed the self-help phenomenon in previous posts, explaining why an over-emphasis on self-help can actually be spiritually detrimental–the solution is self-forgetfulness in God, not a greater focus on self–but what about beauty? For all the Scriptural interpretations that encourage women to embrace their God-given beauty, is it healthy to be SO focused on it?

To be fair, there is clearly an attack on women’s beauty in our culture. Even after writing a post about airbrushing last week, I still found myself standing in line at Barnes and Noble yesterday, staring at a girl on the cover of Shape Magazine thinking to myself, “She’s airbrushed, remember? She’s airbrushed, she’s airbrushed, she’s airbrushed!” because my body did NOT look like hers. It’s tough out there, and I sincerely believe Satan has a stronghold in this regard. God created women to uniquely reflect his divine beauty, and Satan’s had a field day attacking that attribute. There have been a lot of casualties.

Because of this spiritual war, women have sounded the battle cry. We’ve recognized the attacks, rallied the troops, and fought for our divine image. This advance is definitely a good thing. In a culture where women starve themselves, exercise themselves to death, and hook up with random guys all because they want to feel beautiful, we would be irresponsible not to address this issue. There is clearly a deep need within every woman to feel beautiful, and we ought to take that need seriously.

However, Satan is the great Deceiver. Even in our good intentions, he can creep in and pervert them. Knowing this, I have to ask if, in our desire to address the issue of beauty, Satan has blinded us to a bigger issue. When we focus largely on restoring women to a godly definition of beauty, are we feeding into a culture that ranks beauty, not godliness, as its most valuable currency? I hardly doubt that most of the books in Christian bookstores would argue that beauty is more important than godliness (they likely teach a definition of beauty that equates the two) but is it possible that we’ve allowed our culture to define the terms of the battle, instead of God? We are stopping up holes in a leaky dam, instead of building a dam that will never succumb to leaks in the first place.

Having said that, the real problem is not that “true beauty” is under attack. The problem is that we are not a generation of women who are immersed in God’s Word and captivated by His glory. As I mentioned above, the solution to low self-esteem is not self-help–it’s self forgetfulness in God. We must be so profoundly in love with God and His Son that our own need to be esteemed fades in comparison. My personal beauty only has significance inasmuch as I reflect the beauty of God.

Having said that, I don’t think we need to do away with books about beauty. It’s important to equip women with the tools and knowledge to fight the onslaught of Satan’s lies. However, our primary weapon is not books about beauty. Our primary weapon is God’s Word. We need to cloak ourselves in the truth of Scripture in such a way that makes up impervious to any lie that Satan hurls at us. They’ll bounce off our hearts like bullets hitting Superman’s chest–completely ineffective.

I should also add that I think women like Beth Moore and Kay Arthur strike this balance remarkably well. These two women certainly address beauty and healing, but the bulk of their work focuses on studying the Bible. These women know the Bible, and they’re equipping women to do the same. I applaud them in their Gospel-centered focus, and I pray it is a taste of what’s to come for Women’s Ministry. I hope that one day when I swing by the “Women’s Interest” section I won’t merely see books about overcoming marital problems and rediscovering one’s inner beauty. I hope to see shelves filled with the teachings of godly women about the powerful sword that is God’s mighty, indestructible Word. That is the answer to our beauty problem.