In my last post I took a cursory look at the Tenth Commandment’s admonition against coveting, and I specifically explored the warning against coveting another person’s spouse. While I did not intend to imply that single people do not struggle with this temptation, it was largely absent from my experience as a single woman, which is why I haven’t given this temptation much thought until recently.

I am also convinced, however, that my lack of consideration resulted from a lack of discussion among friends. From the pulpit we are warned about adultery and avoiding compromising situations, but the conversation doesn’t seem to go much farther than that. It’s an uncomfortable topic that is often fraught with shame, so many Christians keep those struggles to themselves. 

Bearing that silence in mind, I want to bring this topic to the table for discussion. In particular, I want to spend this blog looking at some of the underlying issues involved. Before the temptation even arises, it’s important to have a working knowledge of its dynamics and how to respond. In a way, the tenth commandment is our first line of defense, a fail-safe that keeps our hearts in check before we’re in so deep that our hearts become calloused. What follows are some thoughts on how best to fight this sin before it takes root.

A helpful starting point is the basic structure of the Ten Commandments. The first five are explicitly God-oriented, whereas the last five are explicitly man-oriented. In other words, the Ten Commandments are kind of like a detailed version of Jesus’ “Greatest Commandment” to love God and love others.

But what is particularly interesting about the tenth commandment is that it is the only man-oriented commandment that resides in the mind. The other four denounce visible actions, but the last one does not. The sin of coveting seems to manifest in a very different way, mentally.

I’ve spent the last couple of days reflecting on this difference and talking to Ike about it. Yesterday in the car I asked him, “Why do you think the first four, man-oriented commandments are about action, whereas the last one is about desire?” To that he responded, “Maybe coveting isn’t simply about desire. Maybe it is also an action.”

I think that is the key to understanding this verse. The context of the last 5 commandments is that of loving your neighbor, which means coveting is inherently tied to love. Actually, it is antithetical to love. It is an action that places a wedge between you and someone you are called to love. It is a divider of unity that begins invisibly but is very much real. And it is only a matter of time before that invisible disunion becomes visible.

Looking at my own life, the acting divisiveness of coveting is easy to see. Whenever I am jealous of another, I essentially see them as standing between me and the thing I want–whether it is success, money, or the perfect marriage. From a heart perspective, that person becomes less of a neighbor and more of an adversary. 

And soon the symptoms of that perspective shine through. I take every opportunity to poke holes in their marriage or nitpick their lifestyle choices or malign their character. Not overtly, of course, but in the subtle, devious tone of concern and pious self-righteousness. 

That is why coveting is so contrary to love. It is difficult to love someone who stands in the way of you and happiness. We may not think of jealousy in quite such extreme terms, but that is what jealousy boils down to. We would be happier if we either had what they have, or if neither of us had it at all. Either way, the other’s having detracts from our own contentment. 

On the ground level, what does this mean when we’re alone in our thoughts, feeling covetous of another woman’s marriage or life? Rather than indulge those thoughts, believing they are inconsequential as long as no one hears them, the tenth commandment reminds us that coveting does violence to our unity with others and it eats away at the fabric of the church. It is no small thing. If I covet another woman’s husband, I am not loving her and I am actively disobeying God.

As a final note, it is also helpful to remember the illusion created by jealousy. The idea that our joy and contentment can be found in any person, object or career is a fantasy. This world is good but it is also broken, so as long as we seek our ultimate satisfaction in people or possessions we are bound to be disappointed. That perfect joy comes from Christ alone. From that angle, the tenth commandment is not only about loving your neighbor but it is also about loving God. When God is the primary object of your desire, there is nothing that can stand between you and loving your neighbor.

Before joining a non-denominational church this past year, I spent the last 10-ish years at various Southern Baptist churches. Although I would like to say my tenure in the SBC was theologically motivated, it was actually more coincidental. The churches I liked only happened to be Southern Baptist, which is why I dragged my feet for so long before becoming a member of one. With a reputation for things like boycotting Disney and being downright out of touch, I didn’t want to take on the Southern Baptist name. I didn’t want close ties with a group I saw as conservative and angry.

Of course, over time my perspective gained nuance, complexity and depth. I began to push past the stereotypes and actually look at the people in these churches that I liked so much. I studied Baptist polity and gained a respect for its history. I finally made the decision to become a member of my last church and it was a great decision. I loved that church.

Yet even with all of that positive experience, there is a residing part of me that cringes at conservative judgmentalism. I work hard to distance myself from that particular angry camp. However, I have also learned that conservatives aren’t the only ones guilty of being angry all the time. In all honesty, left leaning Christians have their own set of issues with which they are angry and frustrated. The agendas are different, but the rhetoric is about the same.

I make these assessments, not as one standing self-righteously outside the vitriol, but as someone who has wrestled greatly with my own feelings of anger. There is a lot that happens in churches that makes me angry. There is a lot that happens in Christian culture that makes me mad. And while there are undoubtedly times when that anger has some miniscule point of connection with the heart of God,  I have really begun to ask myself how much of my anger is profoundly rooted in sin.

Whenever I reflect on my anger, I always try to avoid using the word “hate.” With such strong Scriptural warnings against hate, I explain away my anger saying, “I don’t hate that person or movement; I just feeling very frustrated with them.” And I don’t think I’m alone in that semantic tap-dancing. Christians know the Scriptural commands against hate so we are careful not to admit to crossing that line. But in doing so, I willfully ignore the basic definition of hate:

To dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward (dictionary.com)

Though I may not admit to hate, these words describe my feelings all too accurately.

Even more challenging is the fact that Jesus doesn’t stop with that definition. He equates hate with murder, and in doing so he places emphasis on the desire to hurt. When we hate someone we tend not only to dislike them, but we wish them harm. Perhaps we don’t wish them physical violence (or perhaps we do), but we are more likely to hurt them through slander or verbal attack. This aggression can seem blunted through the indirect work of blogging or putting on a pretense of “warning” other Christians, but at the end of the day we want to hurt their reputation or stick it to them. We may not murder them physically, but we certainly murder their good name.

Here I need to pause and affirm that most churches are not, on the whole, hotbeds of hate and anger. In fact, most Christians I know are loving and wonderful people. However, the sin of hate has not only been allowed to remain within our walls under the guise of righteousness, but it has also been given vent in the public realm. Blogging and tweeting make it all too easy to trash another Christian in a venue where EVERYONE, Christian and non-Christian alike, can see it. And while hate is never a good practice, this new trend is sabotaging the church’s witness. Why would anyone want to join the church when Christians publicly vilify other Christians so often?

Hate is perhaps one of the greatest temptations and easiest sins to succumb to. That is certainly why Jesus and the Bible exhort Christians to love over and over and over again. It is at the heart of the two Greatest Commandments. Jesus reminds us to love our neighbors AND our enemies. Read ALL of 1 John. To be sure, the Bible takes hate VERY seriously. Hate is a sin. It is a trap. It divides. It kills. And it undermines our witness to the world.

Jesus tells us in John 13:35 that we must be known for our love, but it is easy to forget just how difficult a call that is. It is against our natures, it is one of the truly counter-cultural things we can do, and we have to work HARD for it. But if we don’t, if we persist in being angry because there is so much in the church to be angry about, and if we continue to publicly and privately slander one another in our disagreements, we will only be known for our hate.

It is easy to disagree with one another and highlight our differences. It is easy to hate. But as much as the public airing of grievances tempts me to respond with anger in return, Jesus calls me to the narrow way. He calls me to his table, to remember our unity in him, and to love. Anyone can hate, but the true mark of Christ’s character is the ability to look past our differences and lay ourselves down in love. This is a call I am praying for the grace to live out.

(Sorry for the world’s longest title–I couldn’t think of anything catchier.)

Several years ago Ed Stetzer wrote a fabulous article entitled You Can’t Love Jesus and Hate His Wife. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend it. In the article he examines the tendency of Christians to proclaim their allegiance to Christ while simultaneously denouncing the Christian church and abandoning involvement in a local body. The article has enduring relevance as many Christians continue to draw a stark distinction between Christ and Christianity. And in response to this on-going trend, Stetzer reminds us that Christ and the church are a packaged deal. You can’t have one and hate the other anymore than you can maintain a friendship with a married individual, all the while insulting their beloved spouse.

I love that analogy, which is why I want to revisit it today. I’ve been reflecting on what it means to love the church, and I believe it’s a question that Christians need to ponder further–particularly those who agree with Stetzer. While many of us affirm the importance of engagement in the local church, we are deceived if we equate that love with a love for the larger Body of Christ.

For many of us, we love the church in a way that more closely resembles high school cliques than it does a complete vision of the Kingdom. We love local communities full of people who look like we do and hold the same beliefs, but that doesn’t mean we love the Body of Christ. To draw on Paul’s language in 1 Corinthians 12, we love the hand or the ear with tremendous passion, but the rest of the Body is either irrelevant to us, or even perceived as being less the Body than we are.

When we talk about belonging to the Body of Christ, it’s important to take seriously Paul’s language in 1 Corinthians 12. He says that there are “many” parts with “different” gifts, but it’s easy to underestimate just how different we are. These differences extend beyond gifts, and even skin color. The members of the Body vary in nationality, culture, socioeconomic bracket, historical era, and even theology–all of which shape the way people live as disciples and contribute to the church. Unfortunately, we don’t talk about these distinctions according to Paul’s language–we instead gravitate towards language of “rightness.” If someone is different from us, they are thought to represent a perspective that is “less true” and therefore unneeded.

Even if you don’t hold that view explicitly, most of us adhere to it on a practical level. Again, just look at Paul’s language in 1 Corinthians 12:22: “On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.” Paul reminds us that the diversity of the Body is not merely circumstantial–it is written into the Body’s very design. We NEED other members of the Body in order to function as a whole. Without these other parts, we are handicapped in our service to the Kingdom. Bearing that in mind, any mindset that treats alternate members as irrelevant or marginal runs in direct conflict with this verse. It fails to recognize our profound dependence on one another.

What does all of this mean on a practical level? It means that we need to do a better job of listening to Christians who are different from us and actively learning from them. Rather than write people off because they’re “too liberal” or “too conservative” or too whatever, we need to be asking questions like, “What can I learn from them?” or “What short-comings or theological gaps in my life do they reveal?” Even if you aren’t in complete agreement with someone, their gifts, passions, experiences and theological leanings are likely to complement yours in a way that you will ultimately strengthen you.

I suspect that Paul new this would be a struggle for Christians when he wrote those words 2,000 years ago. Historically speaking, humans don’t like people that are different from them. This teaching pushes us in a way that makes us uncomfortable. But if you take the time to talk with that women who have a totally different life experience and background from you, and really get to know them, you are more likely to be a Christian of great depth, as well as a more effective evangelist to an extremely complex and diverse world.

So even if you loved Stetzer’s article and find yourself in complete agreement with it, I urge you to reconsider his thesis once more: Do you truly love the entire Bride of Christ, or does your affection extend no further than the tip of her hand?

Over the years I’ve written a lot about the temptation to find comfort and release from shopping. When you’re having a bad day or feeling down on yourself, shopping can be an easy pick-me-up. In fact, it can be just as addictive as a drug. Shopping, clothes and outward appearance can all become idols upon which we depend for security and confidence. These indulgences can also prevent us from being generous with our money–you might want to give some money to that family at church whose house just burned down, unfortunately you just blew a ton of cash at the mall and now you don’t have any to spare. Shopping and materialism, though seemingly unrelated to the Christian faith, can have far-reaching consequences for our relationship with God.

What makes this idol so difficult to fight is that the mall is one of the last places I tend to think about God. When I walk into Target my brain immediately becomes absorbed in the plethora of goods before me, and the last thing on my mind is the state of my heart in relation to them. God gets pushed out of the thought process pretty quickly.

In light of this problem, I’ve continued to think about how to submit my spending habits to Christ. Of course one way to do this is to go cold-turkey. Just cut out going to stores altogether. But for me, the problem is not that I spend too much, or even all that often–the problem is my heart behind the spending. While there will be times when I have to buy things, how can I change my perspective on the whole process? How do I shop in a way that is Christian?

There are a number of possibilities, but one solution is to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider where your money is going when you spend it. What sorts of practices are you supporting? Is your money going to organizations that oppress their workers and the environment? If these questions matter at all to you, then it’s going to affect the way you shop.

As Ike and I have wrestled with these questions and the degree of our responsibility toward them, we’ve been considering buying more products that come from Fair Trade. You might have heard this term before but in case you’re unclear about what exactly it means, it is a system of trade that ensures the makers of a product are treated fairly, that they are paid adequately for their labor (rather than being exploited), that their working conditions are humane, that the rights of children are protected, and that the environment is well-stewarded. Put in Christian terms, Fair Trade is an extension of our call to respect the image of God in every human being and treat each person with dignity, protecting the weak from forces that might abuse and marginalize them. It is also an extension of our call to exercise good dominion over the earth.

Now before you accuse me of being a bleeding-heart tree hugger and immediately tune out, it’s important to remember that we live in a time unlike any other in history. Within the last century we have been completely disconnected from the makers of the products we buy. We don’t know who made our shirts or who grew our corn. Because of this disconnect, it’s easy to turn a blind eye to any injustices in the workplace, assuming that if we don’t know about it, our hands are clean.

I don’t think God will be so nonchalant. Consider these verses in Scripture about God’s views on trading fairly:

Proverbs 11:1–The LORD abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.

Proverbs 16:11–Honest scales and balances are from the LORD; all the weights in the bag are of his making.

Proverbs 20:10–Differing weights and differing measures— the LORD detests them both.

Proverbs 20:23–The LORD detests differing weights, and dishonest scales do not please him.

In case you’re wondering what’s up with God’s pre-occupation with weights and scales, they were an ancient means for determining the value of a product. The scales were meant to provide a uniform standard of value so that sellers would be paid fairly for their products, and buyers could trust they weren’t paying too much. However, a dishonest trader might fix the scale to his advantage, which is essentially stealing.

Notice how strong the language is in those verses. God isn’t simply displeased by economic injustice; He abhors it. From these verses we are reminded that God cares deeply about the way we shop. He cares about both the sellers and the buyers. He wants us to buy and sell in ways that reflect his character and treat others fairly. And that is the heart of Fair Trade. In a world that will pay Indian factory workers pennies for their labor, simply because we can, God has an opinion. And it is not a favorable one.

As Christians we need to consider where our money is going and whether it reflects the character of God. This reality adds a new dimension to how I think about shopping, and it challenges me to step outside that temptation and examine its larger implications. It’s not just about personal idolatry–it’s also about my responsibility toward other human beings and the world.

One family at our church tries to buy all their Christmas presents from Fair Trade sellers, and we’re thinking about trying that out ourselves this year! As I try to submit this area of my life to God, the values behind Fair Trade certainly give me some positive ways to fight the idol of shopping and conform my heart to Christ’s. I still have a lot to learn about Fair Trade (and I’m sure some of you reading this know a lot more than I do!) but Fair Trade certainly gives me some food for thought. It challenges me to be a good steward of my money, not only in what I buy and how much I spend, but where my money is going.

*In case you’re interested in your Fair Trade shopping options, just Google it. You’ll find lots of local retail stores, as well as on-line makers of clothing, accessories, home decor, etc.

I know you’re probably wondering what in the world this post is about! I promise this isn’t about some DaVinci Code-esque conspiracy theory that Jesus was actually a woman, but before I explain what I mean by “female Jesus,” let me back up a bit.

Last night I was talking with some women who serve as women’s ministers in other parts of the country. We were discussing the fact that, throughout our service as leaders, we are always in the position of discipling other women but rarely in the position of being discipled. When you’re THE woman in charge, most people either think you’ve got your stuff together so you don’t need someone to pour into you, or no one feels adequate for the job. As a result, you’re left with this constant void that you yearn to be filled by an older female friend. And this deep heart cry for discipleship isn’t limited to women in leadership. Most women I know desire to have an older woman who will reach out and mentor them. That seems to be a constant unmet need among women in churches.

However, I have to admit that there is a great irony in my personal desire for a mentor. You see, throughout various seasons of my life there have actually been numerous godly women who counseled and encouraged me, not the least of which is my own mom. While there hasn’t been one, single woman who’s been my spiritual mentor throughout the course of my Christian walk, there have been many women along the way who took the time to listen to me, encourage me, and give me godly direction when I needed it.

Why then, does the yearning persist?

The answer to this question became apparent when I examined my expectations of what this “ultimate mentor” would look like: She would be considerably older, wise and insightful, honest yet gentle, and she would always know the right thing to say. She would be able to see right through my motives and my actions to what is really going on. She would always know the right verse for a difficult situation, and she would get me. She would have the right answer and the most inspirational insight for every challenge I face. And finally, I would feel totally at home with her, like I could be myself and feel completely safe with her.

The thing is, I’ve never met a woman like that. In fact, I’m not sure a woman like that even exists. Which led me to a personal epiphany about this whole discipleship predicament: When I really think about it, I don’t want a female mentor; I want a female Jesus.

I say this because my standards for a mentor are impossibly high. What I want in a female mentor is essentially Jesus in the flesh, comforting me and giving me the clarity I need for tough decisions in life…but in female form.

Maybe this sounds totally off the wall to you, and maybe you have completely normal expectations of a spiritual discipler, but I suspect that unrealistic standard is why so many women feel dissatisfied in this area. I suspect it’s one of the reasons we are easily disappointed with the women who do offer to pour into us. We’re so pre-occupied with yearning for the “perfect” mentor who focuses solely on us and is this tremendous spiritual mind that we don’t recognize the amazing women around us who are helping to fill that job. (Again, I may only be preaching to myself on this and you may have really normal expectations of discipleship, but this is just where I’m coming from)

When you think about it, the one-to-one discipleship model is not a model we get from Jesus. His model was 12 to 1. Of course he was Jesus so he could handle that many disciples without breaking a sweat, but even so, I think we need to be a little more flexible when it comes to the requirement of having ONE woman who is going to focus only on pouring into us. If you’ve found a female friend who can fill that role in your life, it is indeed a gift and I am not at all discouraging those one-on-one, Paul and Timothy relationships. In fact, I encourage you to be proactive in asking a woman to disciple you if you feel that need. But it’s not the only way to do discipleship.

When Jesus departed from this earth he left us with the church, his “body,” and it is through our relationship with Christ’s Body of followers that we grow in discipleship. Different members in the church community present us with different aspects of Jesus at different times. Some women will comfort you. Some women have the gift of wisdom. Some women will just go out and have fun with you. And when you add up all the gifts that these different women bring to the table, you draw nearer to a complete vision of the character of Christ. No woman has all those attributes, because God didn’t set it up that way.

So all of that to say, one-on-one discipleship is a great, Scriptural concept and it can be a tremendous blessing when done well, but what is more important is that you have a group of women around you who can love and support you with their various gifts, speaking truth into your life when you need it. That yearning for a “female Jesus” type mentor who does it all and always knows the right thing to say is more easily fulfilled by a church of women, not just one. And let that also be a comfort to those of you out there who are thinking about pouring into younger women. You do not have to be a female Jesus who always knows just what to say and has your life all together. The young women in your church already have a Savior, but they need you to help them follow him, share your experience with them, and encourage them with your gifts. You not only have a role in discipleship, but you are designed to be a functioning part of the Body of Christ.

I had a funny realization this morning at church. Ike and I finally found a church to call our home, and this Sunday they had an opportunity to sign up for small groups after the service. We’ve been in the area for 2 months now without the fellowship of a small group, so we had marked our calendars for this date some time ago!

So here’s the funny thing–this morning as I anticipated this long-awaited opportunity, I noticed a bit of resistance in my heart. For the last 2 months Ike and I have lived our lives, set our schedules and established a routine, all without a small group. Now, with the prospect of adding something new to my schedule, I found myself feeling hesitant…almost a little anxious. There was a part of me that thought, “I’ve already got a lot going on and this is going to be one more thing!”

The reason those sentiments are both funny and surprising to me is that the first month or so after we moved here, I was DESPERATE for a small group. I wanted a group of girls that I could get to know and have them know me. I wanted a circle of friends like I had back home, and the more time that went by, the more my heart ached after it.

So where did this new sensation come from? Why was my spirit so resistant all of a sudden?

The answer to this question is an important one. For some of you, what I’m about to say will be like “preaching to the choir,” but there are also a lot of you who need to hear this. At my old church, I helped people connect with small groups and I was consistently shocked by how many individuals had been attending for months and months, sometimes even years, yet had never involved themselves in the life of the church. What follows, then, are the three primary reasons that this happens:

1. It Doesn’t Come Naturally–Proverbs 18:1 explains, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” Put another way, if you want to be in charge of your own schedule, if you want to spend your time the way you want to, or if you don’t want other Christians knowing how you live your life, then you’ll avoid real church involvement. To join a community and intentionally seek our intimate relationships is a challenge to your natural individualism, and your flesh will fight it.

2. You are Too Busy–The resistance of the flesh is further exacerbated by our ridiculously busy schedules. It can be overwhelming to add one more commitment on to the millions of things you’ve already got going on. That was an excuse I heard a lot at my old church: “I’m just too busy!” Make no mistake, building community is a challenge. It requires time and commitment. And when you get out of the habit (as I have in the last 2 months) you shouldn’t be surprised if your spirit resists it. Instead, you’ll want to take the path of least resistance–just show up on Sundays so you can mark it off your “good Christian” list, and then go about the rest of your week. In the face of this temptation, remember that fellowship is a discipline that requires you to prioritize your schedule around it, not the other way around. Christians do this not for legalistic reasons, but because the presence of a Christ-centered support system will encourage you in the rest of your commitments, not the least of which is your relationship with God.

3. A Misunderstanding of the Church–Showing up to Sunday service once a week does not a church member make. The purpose of joining a church is to have a community of people with whom you can do life together. A pick-me-up sermon once a week does not offer that kind of depth. Plus, community serves as a protection against the pitfalls of this world. As Proverbs 18:1 diagnoses our motives, it’s also a reminder that community protects us from the danger of unsound judgments.

So if you’re one of those people who goes to a church building once a week but doesn’t really participate in God’s intention for the church,  I challenge you to make a change. Any resistance you’re sensing in yourself may have more to do with the reasons I just listed than it does wisdom, so don’t let that discourage you. Community takes some time to build and can therefore be intimidating (I am totally feeling that right now!), but it is SO worth it. And right now, as the year is gearing up, is the best time to start. Your church needs to know you before you can truly experience the gift of knowing God through your church.

I recently heard a story about some seminary professors who were discussing whether it is appropriate to hug students. One male professor felt it was perfectly fine for the faculty to hug their adult students, in response to which another professor asked, “What if it’s a pretty girl?” The first professor promptly replied, “Pretty girls need hugs too!”

I share this story today because it raises an important issue that I have occasionally discussed on this blog: How should married people relate to others of the opposite sex? As I have said before, I completely agree with married couples who place boundaries on their marriages. There is wisdom in that decision, and my husband and I make a practice of it ourselves. In a culture where lasting marriages are becoming the exception, we need to fight back. Boundaries are a strategy to that end.

I do not, however, see this as a plainly black and white issue. There are some men, for instance, who take a DEFCON approach to women, assuming a constant state of readiness and defense.  As a result of this posture, men sometimes respond to other women with a surprising callousness. In fact, I’ve met numerous female seminary students who, upon trying to engage a male classmate in friendly conversation, were quickly cut off with the words, “I’m married.”

That is not wisdom. That is fear. Stories like that raise a red flag that we have strayed from the realm of godly discernment into a realm defined by fear. When men are so terrified of the “threat” posed by single women that they cannot even engage them as colleagues in a professional environment or public place, then our relationships are no longer marked by the confidence, peace or trust we are meant to have in Christ.

In addition to the fact that these rules are often fear-based (and thus dangerously close to legalism), this behavior also fails to serve wounded women the way the church should. Evangelicalism frequently bemoans the number of broken marriages and absent fathers in the American family, but how are we caring for the wounded daughters that this epidemic has produced? How are Christian men filling this gap by caring for their sisters in Christ? Sadly, these questions sometimes go unanswered. Rather than contributing to healing, Christian men and women can create even greater woundedness by treating single women as if they have the plague.

Let me conclude with one final caution. In addition to being unfair, one might also consider it a little naive to see single women as the greatest threat to your marriage. Married men may assume that if a woman is married, she is somehow “safer” than a single woman, but my personal experience is quite the opposite. I know a good number of married women who have strayed outside their marriages, but I don’t know any Christian singles who would ever consider a married man. They are only interested in other single men. Instead, couples that are friends with other couples can pose the greatest temptations to a marriage, perhaps because their guard is down. It  therefore saddens me that single women, who already feel vulnerable and somewhat isolated, receive the brunt of this over-compensation.

Again, I am not advocating for a complete and total absence of boundaries. My husband and I have our own boundaries, beginning with open, honest, and constant communication. But it is also important that we have a hospitable marriage, that our marriage is a source of healing and life for those around us, not greater brokenness.

So as we think through what it means to guard our marriages in an age of rampant infidelity and divorce, yet also foster communities of healing and whole relationships in which women are not feared as threats but are instead treated as sisters in Christ, I thought I would close with some insightful verses from 1 John. In particular, I encourage men (especially those seeking to pastor churches that will be populated by women) to bear these verses in mind as you seek to love the women in your life. This also places a burden on those of us who are wives to encourage our husbands toward gentleness and a hospitable spirit, which not only requires the same practices of us, but a degree of trust and confidence in Christ  as well.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

- John 4:18-19

This week has been the first since our move that I have experienced real, aching homesickness. Until now I thought I had successfully dodged it–Ike and I have been having a lot of fun and we’ve stayed very active! The northern suburbs of Chicago are just gorgeous with lots of lakeside parks to explore, and with Chicago practically in our backyard we’ve had a lot of adventures there as well. Plus, we have a great apartment, great location, and everyone here has been super nice. What is there to miss?

The only analogy that I can think to describe this past week is that it’s been like the end of a wonderful summer at camp: You had a blast, made lots of great friends, and memories that will last forever….but now you’re ready to go home. That’s how I feel right now–I had a great time…but now I’m ready to go home.

Except I can’t.

As a result of this realization, the past few days have been tinged with a subtle melancholy that isn’t outright depression, but is clearly taking the skip out of my step. I really miss my family and my friends. I want to have a conversation with someone who has known me for more than a few weeks. I want to be back in my church community.

Last night I hit my lowest low and sat with Ike as I cried it out. Afterwards I decided to open my Bible and see what comfort I could find. I looked up the word “home” in my concordance, and it directed me to Psalm 84, wonderfully familiar words:

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!

My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere.

Psalm 84:1-4, 10a

This psalm was exactly what I needed. It reminded me of two very important things as I process this time:

1. Your church home offers a sweet taste of your Heavenly home to come.

As long as we live on earth, Christians are “resident aliens,” so to speak. We do not belong here. This is not our home. Fortunately, God has provided us with His church, the Body of Christ, which is a shadow of our eternal home. Within the Church we are not strangers; we are members. Within the Church we are not seen as fools but as wise. Within the Church we find friends who love us in a manner that reflects God’s love for us. It is the closest thing to our Heavenly home that we will experience on earth.

And when you are absent from sweet community such as this, you yearn to experience it again. The church is where the Christian belongs. That is how God designed us to be.

However….

2. The church is only a signpost pointing to your Eternal home.

In other words, the longing I feel for my earthly church home should not distract me from my true and perfect heavenly home with God. The friendship and love I experience is a good gift from God to be greatly cherished, but it should not replace my relationship with Him. So as much as I cherish my friends and family, they are but the rays of the sun.

This week as I sense a deep yearning to be home, Psalm 84 has reminded me to look up instead of back. That ache I feel will one day be fully and totally satisfied by my Father in Heaven. So as much as I miss my home in North Carolina and will rejoice to be back there, God is already using this new challenge to draw me closer to Him. And when I think about it that way, it excites me to think about what other blessings and insights He has ahead!

In the mean time, to all my friends back home–I truly can’t wait to come home and see you! And to my God, I truly can’t wait to come home and see you.

I will be the first to admit that I use Facebook as a way to stay connected to people. In fact, ever since moving to Chicago I’ve posted more status updates and commented on other people’s pages more than I ever have before! It’s helped me to feel like I’m still a part of my friends’ lives even though I’m far away. It’s an outlet for interacting with them in their every day lives.

Having said that, there is a growing trend in the Facebook/Twitter world that has captured my attention more and more. I’ve written about these social media in previous posts such as Fakebook and Another Reason Why I’m Not on Twitter, but this post regards a trend of a different sort. It is the pattern of tweeting/posting status updates at–what I would consider to be–inappropriate times.

This trend first grabbed my attention when I noticed status updates that occurred while people were on dates with their spouses, spending time with their families, or even on their wedding night. Technology has taken a lot of blame for stealing our attention away from real, flesh and blood relationships, and this seemed to be a prime example. If you’ve ever been in the presence of someone who is texting while you’re trying to have a conversation with them, you know how this feels. We may be with someone physically, but Twitter/texting can prevent us from actually BEING with them.

In addition to this trend, I’ve also begun to notice the practice of tweeting about deeply personal, intimate moments. Although I understand the desire to share what’s going on in your life with your community, Twitter has become a window into private moments and experiences that, in the past, would have been reserved for God and family.

For months now I have pondered this and wondered what it indicates about our culture. What does it mean when we no longer have private moments? What does it means when we’re constantly thinking about how to describe what we’re doing to a watching world in 140 characters or less?

Well this past week I had a revelation. It came as I read a philosopher who stressed the importance of privacy and isolation in the life of an individual. As he explained it, we are constantly being shaped by influences around us that we many not even recognize. What’s more, some of these influences can be rather destructive forces in our lives. Unfortunately, as long as we remain submerged in the culture–as long as we’re constantly bombarding ourselves with images from t.v., political ideas from our preferred news outlet, or even spending all our time with our friends–we don’t have any space to step back and scrutinize it. Because we don’t allow ourselves much separation from the culture to be with God and our family and close friends, we don’t have the distance to ask ourselves:

How am I being influenced?

As Christians, this is a critical question that we should always be asking. Both inside and outside the church there are ungodly influences that threaten the integrity of our discipleship and the authenticity of our faith. And as long as we are constantly putting our lives on display through social media, we will live according to the inevitable temptations that such visibility bring. Rather than setting aside some private time to get real with God or the people with whom we can truly be ourselves, we will constantly be subjecting ourselves to the opinions and judgments of others, and we are sure to be shaped by that pressure.

Even in the church, our community can be mighty persuasive in detrimental ways. When we are constantly operating under the need for the world to think we have the best marriage or the greatest relationship with God, or if we feel an unrelenting pressure to set an example or conform to a certain expectation, then our faith will struggle to be truly authentic. As horrible an existence as that sounds, we willingly subject ourselves to that rat race when we mishandle social media. In doing so, we haven’t lost privacy; we’ve given it away. And as a result, we may become shallow Twitter Christians who can’t turn off our need to perform.

I don’t even HAVE Twitter and I feel it that urge sometimes–that voice inside me that says, “I want to tell all my friends about this cool experience I’m having right now!” instead of being there in the moment and maximizing that time with my husband. It’s not that the urge to share good news with friends is a bad thing, but that urge is a constant nag in my life that indicates some misplaced priorities in my own heart.

That is why I offer yet another caution to be wise  about social media. As I have said before, technology can certainly be used for good so this is not a blanket statement against Twitter and Facebook, but please be discerning. Below I have jotted down a few diagnostics to check your motives as you seek to use technology in a way that is honoring to both God and your relationships. These help keep my own heart in check, so I hope they might encourage you as well:

• Make sure that Twitter is not an extension of your need to people-please.
• Don’t use Twitter (or texting) as an escape from the sometimes hard and unglamorous work of being with your family or God.
• Don’t allow Twitter to keep you in a constant place of superficial engagement with others. It’s hard to have real relationships when you’re always thinking of your life as a reality show to be displayed.
• And finally, be sure to seek validation and solace from God first. A moment can be just as joyful or satisfying without the listening ears of 1,000 Twitter followers to hear it. An audience of One is all you need.

Just over a month ago Christianity Today published an interview with Gayle Haggard, the wife of former President of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of New Life church, Ted Haggard. In 2006 Ted Haggard was exposed as having paid a male escort for sex and methamphetamine. As a result of the allegations, the leaders at New Life church asked Haggard to leave the church and the state of Colorado altogether. Since then, Ted and Gayle have fought for their marriage and are now speaking openly about the experience. Gayle has also written a book documenting the ordeal entitled Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour.

I highly recommend reading the interview. Gayle’s example is both inspiring and humbling. The Haggards’ story challenges us to consider what it means to be God’s church and it raises some important questions, such as the nature of church discipline when dealing with a repentant sinner.

But for the intents of this blog I want to focus on one particular issue that that this story raises: How should the church respond to the wife of a man who strays?

It is difficult to imagine what it was like for Gayle to not only suffer the betrayal of her husband, but the abandonment of her church as well. Though her husband was the transgressor, her injury was two-fold.

What is even more tragically ironic is that she was essentially punished for doing the right thing. Rather than divorce her husband, she chose to fight for her marriage. Had she decided to leave her husband and stay at the church, she might have had a support system to lift her up. But because she made the decision to stay with him, she inherited his outcast status. This cannot be right, can it?

Even more troubling (or should I say disgusting) was the fact that many Christians blamed her for her husband’s infidelity. While marriage is indeed a two-way street that requires the hard work and dedication of both husband and wife, there is NEVER an excuse for a man to have an affair. Nor are we in any position to conjecture.

Which is why it disturbs me greatly that, in the midst of such a dark time in her life, a time when her husband and her local church betrayed her, that the larger evangelical community denounced her as well.

Their story is a wake-up call for the Christian community. It compels us to reconsider the nature of Christian love. Scripture tells us that we are to be known by our love for one another (John 13:35); the way we love one another should look different from the world. We do not stop loving when we are betrayed. We seek to restore when someone is broken. Our love should defy the reason of this world, and it should require us to sacrifice. It means loving when it is distasteful to us, when it gets our hands dirty. When it is hard.

That is the kind of love we must show if we are to be “known” by our love. Too often we respond to the sin of others in the same way that the world does. What we call “church discipline” is sometimes just old-fashioned judgment. We are washing our hands of the things and people we don’t want to deal with. So rather than restore, we crush.

Remember this story. Your friends and leaders in the church will disappoint you in monumental ways. So be prepared for it, not as a cynic but as one who is ready to love them through it. Reach out to them and lift them up so that the watching community around them will see your good works and glorify their Father in Heaven. And don’t forget to care for their spouse, who is going through their own private hell. Rather than be an additional source of brokenness, be a source of healing and grace. That is what it means to be the church, and I am thankful that the Haggards’ humility enabled that message to arise out of their ashes.