Theology for Women

Today I’m going to begin by taking a little survey, and I want you to be honest:

Raise your hand if you watch The Hills. (Go ahead and raise it–I can’t see you)

Apparently The Hills is one of the top rated shows on television right now, and although I don’t watch it anymore, I used to very faithfully. It’s pretty addictive.

And for those of you who are in the dark, The Hills is a reality show that follows the lives of several young women in their early 20’s living in Los Angeles. Each of the girls featured on the show has subsequently become a celebrity in her own right, being featured in commercials and invited to A-list events. It’s quite a phenomenon.

The key storyline of this show surrounds the friendship between Lauren, the main character, and her best friend Heidi. The two were inseparable roommates doing life together. That is, until a boy entered the scene.

Heidi began dating a guy named Spencer, and Lauren did not approve. Lauren felt that Spencer didn’t respect Heidi and that he would hurt her, so she took a stand. As a result, their friendship disintegrated. Now, they are bitter enemies.

Now the reason this plot line came to my mind is that this weekend I was flipping through channels when I came to a “Deleted Scenes” show about The Hills. I watched for a few moments, and caught one scene in which Lauren confronts another friend, Audrina, about a guy that she’s dating. This guy is bad news as well, but Audrina doesn’t want to hear it. She’s gonna do what she’s gonna do, and she warns Lauren about “caring too much.” Sometimes that care can push people away.

As the camera cuts to Lauren, her face provides a not-so-subtle reminder that it was this same “caring too much” that pushed Heidi away.

Oh the drama!

Now as much as I hate to say it, The Hills provides us with a very important life lesson. It addresses a dilemma that we’ve all faced at some point or another–What do you do when your roommate, best friend or family member is dating someone you don’t like?

In the Christian world, this problem typically surfaces when a friend of ours starts dating a non-Christian, or has started dating someone under dishonorable circumstances. But how are we to respond?

There is a tendency in Christians to “call someone out,” but unless you have a history of this kind of interaction working, it rarely goes over well. On the contrary, it will usually result in defensiveness, and end up getting you nowhere.

So how do we get people to listen? It is here that James’ words in chapter 1 verse 9 are wonderful directives–”be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Don’t make snap judgments–you only reveal your naiveté about the temptations of sin. And don’t condemn the person they’re dating–that’s merely a back-door insult about their personal dating standards.

Instead listen, and find out why they chose this particular path. See if you can get to the root of the issue, and gently point out the misperceptions they may have about the situation. Sin is deceitful, so sometimes we need someone to help us see the pitfalls we may have missed ourselves.

If this doesn’t work, you should gradually become more firm. And at some point, you need to be point-blank honest with them.

However, honesty will not always result in a change, and that is the problem that Lauren ran into on The Hills. At some point, your friends are going to do what they are going to do, and you have to let them. That is one of the most frustrating life lessons I’ve ever had to learn–letting someone fall. Sometimes, this is the best thing you can do for someone, because some people only learn the hard way.

In these situations, your role is simple–stand back, pray for them, and be there for them when the relationship ultimately fails. Never say “I told you so.” Just love them.

This is especially hard for us control freaks. We’ll say that we’ve surrendered something into God’s hands, but we won’t act like it. We’ll keep bringing the issue up, beating a dead horse, and alienating our friends in the process.

And that is the greatest danger here–when you continually rebuke a friend who isn’t responding, you’re not only strengthening their obstinacy as you put them in the position of defending themselves, but you drive a wedge between your friendship. You double your losses.

So if you find yourself in this situation, or any situation in which a friend or loved one is caught on a path of sin or bad judgment, be honest with them. But then, give them over to God. It is not your responsibility to make people pursue Christ. You can encourage them and challenge them, but at some point a person is going to make their own decisions. How you love them in the fallout of those decisions will have the far greatest power to transform them.

*Final note–if your friend is in a relationship that is abusive, or if they are struggling with substance abuse or eating disorders or some other behavior that is blatantly self-destructive, the rules are slightly different. In some extreme circumstance, people need protection from themselves and you must do your best to help them find clinical help. In instances of suicidal actions, it’s appropriate and necessary to intervene with force. Also, in the event of persistent, unrepentant sin, church discipline is an important step to consider, so talk to one of your pastors about it.

I am a terrible listener. Seriously. Whenever someone comes to me with a problem, my first reactions is to fix it with as many different nuggets of “wisdom” as I can possibly throw at them. It’s like an artillery barrage of Christian advice.

I think there’s a part of me that secretly thinks I’ll look super holy if I can offer just the right input. It can even turn into a competition–I’m trying to out-advise all other Christians, including the person I’m advising. Then they’ll think I’m pretty awesome, and hopefully tell others.

But sometimes, people just need you to listen. They don’t want you to argue, disagree, or even be helpful. They just need an ear.

Well with that in mind, I want to offer you a blog post from one of my all-time favorite blogs. It’s called Stuff Christians Like, and the title of the post is “The Judgment Olympics.” It’s hilarious, but also really true, so I hope you are as challenged by it as I am. Christian advice can often get really messed up….

I don’t get a lot of hate mail. In more than 300 posts, I have received only a handful of comments from people that sincerely don’t like me. But every now and then I get someone that wants to judge the blog.

I am cool with that. I think we need to discern and discuss and analyze. That’s good and I am going to make mistakes that need to be fixed. The challenge is that sometimes it’s so easy for discernment to mutate into judgement. And also, it’s really hard to know when someone has done a quality job of judging you.

That’s why I decided to hold the first annual Stuff Christians Like Judgment Olympics. Not only is it topical in this Olympic year but I think it will give you something great to say back to someone that says something judgmental to you. Imagine yelling “Gold Medal!” when someone in your small group says something unkind to you. Dare to dream Jon, dare to dream.

Here are the events:

1. The “I used to”
You’ve just confessed something that is going on in your life and the person across from you pauses and then says, “I used to do that a lot too before I really connected with God.” Ohhh, I used to is a powerful, powerful phrase. What this does is set up that the person you’re talking with has moved beyond what you are struggling with. When they were a sweaty Philistine they used to do what you are doing, but now that life is angelic that just don’t do that anymore.
Gold Medal

2. The “I’m with God.”
The best thing to do when you really want to judge someone is draw up sides. Make sure you take the side of God first which automatically puts the other person on the side of satan. Sound extreme and like something that doesn’t happen? It does. Here’s what it looks like: “I understand what you are saying, I guess I’m just going to go with God on this one.” Or, “I’m not telling you my opinion, I’m just telling you what the Bible and God say.” The implication is that you’re not disagreeing with the other person, you’re disagreeing with the Alpha and Omega. Which does not feel awesome.
Silver Medal

3. The “half and half”
This is probably my favorite one. In this form, you give a fake compliment, followed up by what you really feel. For example, if you don’t like a certain minister you might say, “He’s got a great ministry, unless you feel that learning about the Bible is important.” or “That’s a great song, if you don’t mind devil music.” This the equivalent of waving your hand around to make someone look at it while your foot kicks them in the groin.
Silver Medal

4. The “Judgement Squared”
This one is kind of funny. Sometimes people will judge me for being too judgmental. That’s like swimming in the ocean next to me and telling me that I’m wet. Hey, wait a second, you’re wet too, I want to say. If you ever angrily, aggressively say the sentence, “who gives you the right to judge?” then you’ve just won yourself a medal.
Bronze Medal

5. The “for me.”
This is similar to number 2, but does not have to involve throwing the God card directly. Let’s say I write a post about some kind of worship music that I think is overplayed in church. Someone reads that, and then says, “I guess for me, worship is about communing with God and not my own narcissistic sense of enjoyment.” That sounds a little extreme, but I once got in an argument with someone that read my completely silly post about holding hands and then accused me of probably not liking to touch the homeless. We ended up working it out, but the initial implication was, “You don’t like interlinking fingers with people at church? For me, touch is about loving others like Jesus. Why do you hate the homeless?”
Gold Medal

To read the whole of this post, click here.

Now here’s your homework: The next time someone comes to you for advice, I challenge you to spend as little time talking as possible. Even if there’s an awkward silence and you feel like you HAVE to fill the space, don’t. I guarantee the person you’re conversing with will keep talking–they just need that silence to process their own thoughts. I can’t tell you how many people have told me what great advice I gave them, when they actually came to the conclusion on their own…I just happened to be sitting next to them.

So try it. Not only will you be a much better listener, but you significantly decrease your chances of winning a medal in the Judgment Olympics.