This past weekend my fiancé and I attended a retreat for engaged couples who are preparing for marriage. At the beginning of the weekend we were presented with information about our culture’s stance toward marriage, and we heard one statistic that I found particularly compelling:

90% of American young people believe that premarital counseling is a good thing to do, but only about 35% would actually consider doing it.

I was not given a source for this statistic so I honestly have no way of verifying its accuracy, but based upon my own experience I am not surprised. I have talked to a lot of couples, Christian and non-Christian, who respond warmly to the idea of other people doing premarital counseling, but when faced with the option to do it themselves, they opt out. Why? Because it sounds good, but not necessary. Only couples with “big problems” need that stuff.

I think this decision stems from two different causes–gross naiveté on the part of the couple, or flat-out denial. Either they have no idea how hard marriage is, or they have some inkling that their relationship isn’t healthy but they don’t want to deal with it. They’ve already decided to get married, they’ve paid for the food and the band, and there’s no turning back.

That’s why some churches have begun offering pre-engagement counseling. At first I thought this was a weird idea–as a single person, even a dating person, I actively avoided talking and thinking about marriage. No need to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, right? I was attempting to guard my imagination, and more importantly my heart.

The problem with my thought process was that it underestimated the momentum of the wedding planning process. Once you begin planning a wedding it’s like you get on board a giant locomotive and there’s no way to stop it. Had I realized that Ike was not the man for me, I cannot imagine the pain and hardship of canceling the wedding, or even just delaying it. Aside from the financial loss, it would be humiliating and emotionally devastating. In the short-term, it would seem much easier to just go through with it.

Which is why it’s so important for young couples to begin seeking godly counsel BEFORE the train gets going. Married couples already have the odds stacked against them, so given the soaring divorce rates you’d think engaged couples would be sobered into seeking every resource possible. When one in two marriages fail, doesn’t it make sense to ensure that you’re NOT on the wrong side of the statistics? Wouldn’t you rather do the hard work of confronting your issues and asking the tough questions before you get married, instead of hoping for the best?

Unfortunately, this type of reasoning rarely takes place during engagement. While some couples DO break off their engagement, many choose to ignore the warning signs because they are blinded by the prospect of getting married. The end is in sight so they delude themselves into thinking that marriage will fix everything, even though marriage statistics would indicate otherwise.

So if you are in a serious dating relationship and the topic of marriage arises, I would encourage you to seek counsel BEFORE the proposal. Prior to taking on the 300 pound gorilla that is wedding planning, make sure you’re moving forward wisely and soberly. Even in dating it is difficult to have clear vision and an objective perspective, but if you are hesitant to have an outside opinion weighing in even NOW, then that’s a red flag.

Don’t hope for the best, don’t count on the other person to change, and don’t ignore the input of your friends and family. Breaking up with a boyfriend or fiancé is hard, but being in a bad marriage is much, much harder.

As a single woman, I remember going to Christian concerts or conferences or seminars in which I would watch a young, good looking guy on stage who seemed so in love with the Lord, and so passionate and articulate about his faith, that it made my heart flutter. THAT was the guy for me!

I just knew we were supposed to get married, and I day-dreamed about the way that we would meet–maybe he would see me across the lobby later on that night, be captivated by my beauty and just HAVE to talk to me. Or, he would see me in the audience, and I would look so worshipful and in love with God that he would know we were meant to be together. He’d never seen anyone look so beautiful as she worshiped God!

And we’d get married and travel the world together telling people about Jesus–maybe he would lead worship, and then I would be the main speaker at arena events. Kind of a Chris Tomlin-Beth Moore combo.

That is how I knew my life would play out. That is, until I made the horrible discovery. I looked down at his hand, and there it was–a wedding ring.

My entire life plans were crushed in an instant.

As a result of experiences such as these, I frequently found myself asking, “Why are all the godly men already married?” I figured that there must have been some sort of fire sale while I was in college, and if you didn’t snatch up your husband then, the supply ran out. All that was left were the guys that nobody else wanted.

As a single woman, it’s very easy to feel this way, and to such an extent that it feels VERY real. In my more sane moments I knew that there were, in fact, plenty of solid, single Christian guys around, but it was on the lonely days that I genuinely feared there weren’t any left.

So in the face of this fear, on those days when it seems as though all the godly men have gone off and gotten married, leaving an over-abundance of single gals behind, how are women to respond?

The first is to open your eyes and look around you. Maybe you don’t know any Chris Tomlin types, and maybe all the pastors at your church are married, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any godly, single men left. Being godly does not equal being on stage.

I have single guy friends who serve in the youth ministry, the college ministry, the children’s ministry, the new members ministry, organizing mission trips, and teaching Sunday school classes. Their jobs may be less visible, but their commitment to serve, even when it’s not glamorous, says a great deal about their character.

So on behalf of all my single guy friends who are totally on fire for the Lord, I’ve gotta give a shout out to them. Ladies, they are definitely out there, and they are DEFINITELY worth waiting for.

But the second thing you need to consider in the face of this fear is its root. Where is the fear coming from? To become so afraid of something that you begin to think irrationally is a clear indicator of a spiritual issue. Even if you are not controlled by this fear, even if you have only had this thought in passing, you need to take a good, hard look at it.

What does this fear say about your belief that God is in control? Are you afraid that God wanted to provide you with a husband, but accidentally ran out of men? Does God only reward those women who go out and hunt for a husband early on? Or another thought I had as a young woman–was I not pretty enough to get married straight out of college?

All of these questions, and there are many more, are rooted in lies and misconceptions about God, and ourselves. We are not trusting that God will provide, and we are wondering if there is something inherently wrong with us. The fear that “all the godly men are married” is just a symptom of this spiritual confusion.

So if you find yourself asking this question, stop yourself and instead reflect upon why you are asking it. No, all the godly men are not married, and even if you don’t know a single Christian man in your entire city, if God wants you to get married then He is certainly capable of making that happen. After all, he pulled a rib out of Adam’s side to give him a mate, so I think God can handle your love life.

So the main question is whether you are being fulfilled in Christ NOW. As long as you allow that void in your heart to dwell, then those fears will continue to creep in on you. But if you fill that void with Christ, then those fears will have no foothold. You will simply have nothing to fear.

*And for further reading on this topic, check out Exodus, and the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. Both are stories of scarcity, and God’s over-abundant provision in response. It is a good reminder about the character of the God who created you.

(The picture to the left has little to nothing to do with this blog post, but I think that old photos of couples who look really unhappy on their wedding day are entertaining)

There is a popular myth floating around young, Christian circles today, and it goes something like this–Once I get married, I’ll snap into shape. I’ll stop having low self-esteem, I’ll stop feeling lonely, I won’t struggle with physical temptation anymore, and I’ll grow up and be responsible now that I have a family to take care of.

I call it a myth because that’s exactly what it is–fantasy. And that is what I am slowly beginning to learn as Ike and I prepare for marriage. Our relationship isn’t getting rid of my former vices; it’s actually highlighting them.

For some reason, in all my years of dating I had no conception that my habits as a dating person would follow me into marriage. As the years went by and I indulged my lack of self-control and my selfishness, I cemented those behaviors in such a way that is now coming back to haunt me.

To give you a more general example of what this looks like, imagine a guy or girl that is your typical “play the field” kind of person. He or she dates around a lot, hooks up a lot, and all the while fosters a lifestyle of causal intimacy, infidelity (meaning, not faithful to one person), and a lack of commitment.

Then one day this person finds “the one” they want to spend the rest of their life with! Because they are properly motivated, they become faithful, loving, and attentive. They are the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, and it would appear that they’ve left their lifestyle completely behind them.

At least, it would seem that way for a time.

In reality, their new behavior is only temporary. It’s more a symptom of the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship than it is a real transformation. Over time, as the honeymoon phase passes and the marriage faces hard times, those old patterns of behavior are still lurking, waiting to come out again. Why? Because his or her former lifestyle was indicative of a deeper, spiritual problem, and that problem isn’t fixed by marriage. If that problem is not addressed, it WILL come out later.

That takes us to the root of the issue–the behavior itself is not the problem. The problem is the heart. If your heart is rooted in a spirit of rebellion or self-centeredness, a change in behavior does not address it. A shift in behavior only masks the problem and allows it to continue further, undetected.

That is also why Romans 12:2 tells us to be “transformed by the renewing of your mind,” not your actions. If the mind and heart are left untouched, their true colors will come out over time.

The key is to remember that whoever you are becoming today is the person you will be tomorrow. If you’re not doing the hard work of examining your heart and pruning it of ungodliness now, then you will have to reckon with those issues later. This is a lesson that all single people must keep in mind before marriage, but it is also a lesson for the Christian life.

If you’ve ever met an older person who was bitter, set in their ways, and difficult to be around, it’s unlikely they were born that way. Most likely they nourished the seeds of bitterness, impatience, and anger in their hearts, and over time those seeds came to fruition.

Or maybe you know a married couple who seems to have “sold out” to the American dream. They used to speak so passionately about serving the Kingdom of God, but as financial success and material temptation presented itself, they slowly became more and more concerned about the superficial treasures of this world. That transformation did not happen over night, did it? It was the culmination of a lot of decisions and compromises over a long period of time. Their short-term choices had long-term implications.

Whoever you are becoming today is the person you will be tomorrow. If you are not making yourself into a faithful, godly, confident woman today, you will not be a faithful, godly, confident wife tomorrow. And if you are not making yourself into a passionate disciple of Christ today, then you won’t be one tomorrow either. Live today so that you have no regrets when tomorrow comes.

I published the following post about a year ago and I have received a lot of feedback from it since! Because this practice is so prevalent among Christians today, numerous individuals have asked me about how to deal with with it. I felt it would be beneficial to post it again for my new readers.

I originally posted this in two parts, so I will do the same now. I would also like to introduce these posts with a verse that I recently realized has great relevance to the issue at hand. Keep this question in mind as you read:

Can a man scoop fire into his lap, without his clothes being burned? – Proverbs 6:27

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I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space.

Today’s blog was originally posted almost a year ago when Ike and I first started dating. The reason I am posting it now is that Ike’s method of courtship was the primary inspiration behind this blog, but I did not/could not reveal it at the time. When I wrote that there were “2 signs” that God was using to teach me about dating, that was only a half-truth–my dating relationship with Ike was the third and perhaps most important sign of all.

As you read this blog, keep the following information in mind: At the time I wrote this, I had been going out on dates with Ike for 2 months, and he had yet to make a single “move” on me. The guy hadn’t touched me! Seriously! So I started to to wonder if he was really even interested at all–I was only used to guys moving in for a kiss instead of manning up and stating their feelings first. Ike was a new breed of man as far as I was concerned, which led me to the conversation I describe with my roommate.

I should also note that Ike read this blog shortly before he officially stated his intentions, so this blog also served as a catalyst to that important conversation.

All of that said, if you’re reading this and you’re single, don’t settle! There are Christian men out there who don’t just say they love Jesus, but live like it. Wait for them–it’s worth it!

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I think God is trying to tell me something. More specifically, I think He’s trying to tell me that the way I have been dating has been really screwed up.

This sinking suspicion has emerged for a number of reasons, the first being a conversation I had with one of my roommates. I was explaining to her that I have never in my life dated a guy who waited to make a move on me (ie. hold my hand, put his arm around me, kiss me, etc.) until AFTER we were officially dating. The “move” usually occurred somewhere in the beginning stages of getting to know one another, and only after it happened did we eventually move into the relationship phase.

Because this was my only experience with Christian guys, I assumed it was the norm, but my roommate assured me that it is not. Or at least it is not the ideal. In fact, it would be a deal breaker for her. Apparently some guys are gentlemen enough to wait until long after the DTR before allowing the relationship to become physical. I just haven’t dated any of them, so I assumed they were little more than Christian urban legend.

The second sign that God was trying to tell me something is that my pastor has decided to preach through Song of Solomon, and during the past two Sundays he has talked about dating. Today’s sermon was actually entitled, “How to Date and Love a Woman,” and he laid out parameters for men in their pursuit of women.

One of those parameters involved the importance of keeping the physical relationship in check. As my pastor explained it, physical touch is an extremely easy way to communicate, which is why we often fall into it first. But, the effectiveness of that kind of communication fades over time in marriage, so you need to found your relationship on the kind of communication that lasts. What’s more, if you embark on physical communication before you have firmly built up your verbal communication, then you will short circuit the entire process. It will be far more difficult to build verbal communication because the physical is what you default to. My pastor therefore urged young couples to abstain from the physical as long as possible, and even then, to be highly cautious.

Well between my roommate and my pastor, I am getting the message loud and clear: Physical intimacy has little to no place in the beginnings of a Christian relationship. If your “gentleman caller” dives into it right away, then it is an immediate red flag.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. The problem is that I have trained myself to look for affirmation in the exact way my pastor warned against. If a guy doesn’t make some sort of move after we’ve been going out for awhile, I start to doubt his intentions–is he not attracted to me? Does he only want to be friends? Is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? It doesn’t matter if he’s being consistent in pursuing time with me–if he isn’t doing the one thing that I am used to guys doing, then I doubt the entire relationship.

What is ironic is that I have always criticized other girls for this very mindset. I once had a guy friend who was dating a non-Christian girl, and the couple began to flounder when she wanted to have sex, but he didn’t. She began to feel emotionally isolated from him because, in her mind, if he didn’t want to have sex with her, then he must not really desire her at all.

When my friend told me about this situation, I reflected on how topsy-turvy our world has become–the fact that a woman would need extra-marital sex in order to know that the relationship is strong, reveals how fundamentally we misunderstand healthy love and relationships. Our world is so backwards that ungodly behavior has become the standard of acceptability, the standard of rightness and goodness!

Well little did I know that I am suffering from the same syndrome. I have become so influenced by what I see on tv and the movies, by the past relationships that I have had, that I don’t recognize chivalry, godly pursuit, when I see it. Instead, I am looking for worldly affirmation, and I am discouraged when I do not get it.

So with all of that in mind, I would like to close with two thoughts, one for the guys, and one for the girls. First and foremost, guys: We need you to be men of integrity, even if we punish you for it at times. Many of us girls have a lot of emotional baggage that we will bring into our relationship with you, but stand firm and treat us like the sisters in Christ that we are. We may even resist it at first, get mad at you when we don’t get the kind of affection we desire, but we will appreciate it in the long run. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, we’ll be able to look back and think, “At least he always honored me as a woman of God.”

And ladies, if you have found yourself in a similar position to mine, look to Scripture and talk to trustworthy Christian leaders when you need a godly perspective. Don’t listen to the rest of the world, and don’t even listen to some of your other Christian friends, because a lot of us are getting this whole dating thing wrong, and we are pulling one another down in the process. There is a better way, a kind of dating in which we are treated as the precious daughters of God that we are, so don’t settle. It’s out there, and it’s worth waiting for. If we want to recover chivalry, then we must help our brothers to do so.

The following post concludes a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive women.

(And the picture to the left has nothing to do with today’s topic per se. I just thought it was awesome. If you try and take that girl’s dolls she’s gonna bite your hand off!)

Part 3: You’re possessive about your boyfriend

When you think of a possessive girlfriend, what do you imagine? The kind of girl who freaks out when her b.f. even looks at another girl? Or how about a girl who forces her guy to un-friend all his female friends on facebook? That’s exactly what I imagine.

So in my opinion, I have never been the possessive type. I don’t rail on Ike because he happened to be in the room when a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on. And I don’t accuse him of cheating on me when he says “hi” to a friend at school. I’m not that girl.

However, I’ve come to realize that there is a possessive side to me. It doesn’t play out in a crazy Lorena Bobbitt type fashion, but it’s definitely there.

To help you understand what I’m talking about, first consider the following situation: Have you ever had a friend who started dating a guy, and instantaneously dove into a super serious mode? All they did was spend time together and talk about their futures and be inappropriately affectionate with one another. If it was a long distance relationship, they were probably gone every single weekend traveling to see one another.

If you had just met them, you would have thought that they’d been dating for years. It’s like they went from 0 to 60 in no time flat.

That behavior is indicative of a possessive spirit. Why? Because she is treating her boyfriend as if he belongs to her in a way that he does not. Yes, he should be faithful to her, and yes, she should have certain expectations of him that go along with a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

But he is not really “hers,” especially not in the same sense as a married couple. They should not have the same intimacy and commitment to one another that a married couple has, but often times dating couples do. They expect to see one another every day. They have the physical relationship that a married couple has. They plan their entire future together the way a married couple does.

And this all happens as soon as you start to see your boyfriend, or even fiancé, as somehow belonging to you, when, in fact, he does not.

All of this boils down to a fundamental misunderstanding of courtship. To see what I mean, I thought I’d draw up a little comparison between the worldly view of the dating process, and a more Biblical view of the dating process:

Worldly View of the Dating Process:

Dating=Marital behavior without the commitment

Engagement=Marital behavior with the commitment but without the legal status of being married

Marriage=The State now affirms the lifestyle you’ve already lived for years

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Biblical View of the Dating Process:

Dating=Considering whether marriage is a wise decision

Engagement=Preparing for marriage

Marriage=marriage

After looking at this comparison, you can see that the very first break down between these two perspectives is in the dating period. Most couples begin acting as if they somehow belong to one another as soon as they start dating, but that’s not what dating is for. The purpose of dating is to determine whether or not you should take the step of belonging to one another in marriage.

That said, as long as you’re not married, you should function under the assumption that your boyfriend could actually be someone else’s husband. Honor him, and his future wife, accordingly. He is not yours, so treat him as if he belongs to another woman.

Now before you feel like I’m being too harsh, I will admit that I’m speaking from my own struggles and temptations. Even though I’m only engaged to Ike, I’m often tempted to think of ourselves as basically being married but not living together. The temptation is most significant in our physical relationship–why not have sex if we’re going to eventually?

But the reality is that we are not married. And until we are, God reminds me that Ike is not fully mine.

Why is this so important?

The way we treat dating relationships is one of the chief reasons that so many marriages end in divorce. Marriage has essentially become a version of dating. In treating a dating relationship like a marriage, we don’t exalt dating to a more intimate level–we simply tear down marriage by no longer setting it apart.

So be cautious about how you view your boyfriend. He is not yours! He does not belong to you and you alone, so don’t treat him as if he does. Don’t have sex with him, don’t move in with him, and don’t even monopolize his time. Even if you think you’re going to get married one day, don’t depend on that fact. Many couples have broken up who KNEW they were meant for one another, so until you say “I do,” remember that he could belong to someone else.

So while you may not go crazy when he looks at another girl, you act like a possessive woman when you treat your boyfriend like a husband. And ultimately, that’s what all these forms of possessiveness are about–you are functioning in a way that does not reflect reality. Maybe you’re taking illegitimate responsibility for a guy friend, or maybe you’ve constructed a romantic fantasy with a crush, or maybe you’re acting like a married couple when you aren’t actually married yet–all of these behavior ignore reality and construct the reality we want.

And what does this tell us as women? That we need to start trusting in the goodness of God and what that means for our lives. Maybe He has something better! Maybe if we surrender control we’ll experience a kind of wonderful that we never before dreamed of having. We must stop being content to make mud pies in the slums because we cannot imagine a day at the sea. God has more for us than the shoddy dreams we’ve concocted for ourselves, and as soon as we un-clinch our possessive fists then our hands will be open to receive His bounty!

I am currently in the middle of a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive woman. In the last post I discussed women who are possessive about their male friends. This post serves as the second topic in this series. 

Part 2: You’re possessive about your crushes

On a fairly consistent basis I hear stories from young women that go something like this:

Me: So what’s going on with you and Freddy?

College student: Well, Freddy and I really like each other, but after we started hanging out one of my friends said that she liked him.

Me: Oh, so Freddy has been hanging out with her too?

College student: Well, not exactly. They talk sometimes, and she thinks something could be there, so she wants me to back off. She doesn’t want me to mess things up for her and him.

Me: Have they gone out on any dates?

College student: No.

Me: Does he call her or anything?

College student: No.

Me: But she thinks that something is there?

College student: Yes, so I’m gonna have to back off from Freddy.

This style of relating to guys reminds me of when I used to fight over the front seat with my brother: “I call shotgun!” “No I called shotgun first!” “NO I CALLED SHOTGUN!!!”

It’s like survival of the fittest, dating style. Whoever grabs the guy first gets the prize. If you don’t call dibs and mark your territory, then you get picked out of the dating pool like a weak antelope in the African Savannah.

Having said that, I have to be totally honest–this behavior is absurd. Not only are you acting in a possessive fashion over a man on whom you have no claim, but you are placing your friend in a terrible position as well. You’re essentially forcing her to choose between you two, and that isn’t fair or right.

Now I know that it is hard. I have been in the position of pining after a guy, only to stand by and watch as one of my friends swooped in and stole his heart. It was devastating.

But that did not give me the right to thwart their relationship. Whatever connection I had with my crush was only in my mind. I had read into every single glance, smile, and conversation with him. My imagination had carried me away as I dreamed of our future together.

And that is where this form of possessiveness is founded–in our imaginations. It is in no way rooted in reality. Even if you are spending a lot of time with the guy, it’s generally pretty clear if he’s pursuing you romantically as opposed to platonically–he takes you out on dates, tells you how he feels, etc. Yes, there are some guys who will string you along because they just don’t want to commit, but regardless of a man’s behavior you need to guard your thought life either way. If he isn’t pursuing you in a CLEAR manner, then don’t let your heart and mind go there. Don’t allow yourself to construct a situation that does not exist.

When you indulge those fantasies you risk getting hurt, as well as hurting the friends around you.

Just like the last post, the most important lesson we can learn from this behavior is that it projects an accurate picture of your heart.  A woman gets territorial when she wants to control her love life, instead of surrendering it into the hands of God. It’s also a matter of jealousy–if you can’t have him then you don’t want anyone else to.

Ultimately, it’s not about the guy at all. It’s about two very specific things:

1) Your belief in a sovereign God who has great plans for you and will take care of you. If you try and break up another couple, then you aren’t trusting God with your future.

2) Your view of other Christian women. As we discussed in the last post, you should not view other women as competition that is trying to consume a scarce supply of men. The goal is not marriage; the goal is God’s glory. And in that battle we are all on the same team. We should therefore treat one another as allies, not enemies.

And don’t forget to love your neighbor as yourself. If you would like to have a husband, then you should be just as happy when one of your sisters meets the man of her dreams.

Now I will say that there is a time when it is right to talk to your friend if you think the silence will cause unspoken bitterness between you. But be sure that the conversation is not an ultimatum. The goal of the discussion should be a stronger friendship and a greater trust in God, not a veiled attempt at manipulating her. Only you can know your heart on that one, but if you’re at all tempted to control the situation, it might be better to say nothing at all and let God deal with your heart.

Again, remember that God is in control. He will take care of you. When you try to force a situation, you risk forfeiting a growing relationship with Him, as well as a wonderful frienship with another woman. If that is the cost of pursuing your crush, then it’s not worth it. God has more for you than that.

The next and final post will cover the topic of being possessive about your boyfriend or fiance. This one comes right out of my life right now, so I’ll be preaching to myself on this one!

One of my favorite stories from my early courtship with Ike (my fiancé) begins with my initial belief that he was a TOTAL sketchball.

My perception of him largely originated from the way we met–he was being auctioned off at a charity date auction. And no, I did NOT bid on him. I was there to support a friend–totally innocent on my part. In his defense, Ike claims it was “all for a good cause” but I wasn’t so sure.

As a result of my initial impression, Ike spent the following 2 months convincing me otherwise. Week after week he took me on dates, but not once did he ever make a move. He never tried to kiss me, put his arm around me, hold my hand, or really even touch me. At first it was nice, but after awhile I started to wonder if he was even attracted to me…or girls, for that matter. No guy had ever been so stand-offish before. Maybe he just liked taking girls out to dinner and paying for them?

Eventually he came clean and said that he wanted to make our relationship official. But even then I wasn’t sure about him. I needed more time. And time he gave me. We continued to go out and he continued to be a gentleman as he waited on me.

Now here’s where the story gets good: One night I was talking to him about how I STILL wasn’t ready to make things official, and I was very apologetic about it. I felt bad for making him wait so long. Ike’s response is something that I will never ever forget:

(Warning: if you have an aversion to slightly cheesy, uber romantic dating moments, avert your eyes now!)

“Sharon, when I think of you I realize how Jacob felt when he worked for 7 years to marry Rachel, but it only felt like a day. That’s how I feel about you. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

At that moment I’m fairly certain that I swooned. I had never heard anything so beautiful in my life, and it’s one of the reasons that I am engaged to him now.

But it also gave me a great perspective on dating. Many of my past dating relationships have been characterized by a sense of hurried urgency. We couldn’t stand to be away from one another, everything moved super fast, and the physical stuff was well on its way before the relationship was even official. There was very little waiting.

When it comes to romance, we hate to wait.

But when you meet the right guy, he’s going to have a vested interest in doing things right. He recognizes the precious treasure of winning your heart, so he’s willing to work for it. Just look at Jacob–he was hardly the poster child for honesty and integrity! He was not the kind of guy you’d bring home to dad. On the contrary, he was a scheming cheater and a liar.

But as soon as he laid eyes on Rachel, that boy snapped right into shape. He suddenly developed a work ethic. He honored the wishes of his father-in-law more than he’d honored his own father. He wanted to do everything just right because he wanted Rachel to be his wife, and that’s what she deserved.

That is the kind of behavior that godly women must wait for. Don’t date a guy with the secret hopes that he’s going to change–if he isn’t changing now then he won’t change when you’re married. And when it comes to the physical stuff, don’t put up with a guy who wants to sleep with you now because he can’t wait until marriage, or he simply doesn’t have any self-control. If he’s sleeping with you, then he doesn’t respect you the way God has called him to.

(And by the way, if Jacob could wait 7 years, your bf can certainly wait a few!)

This also goes for sleeping over. Even if you’re not having sex, there’s still a temptation to share a bed since it all seems innocent enough. And I can relate–it’s hard to send Ike packing at night when I know we’ll be getting married soon. Why not ease into the married life now? But Ike would never do that. The reason he waits for me now is the same reason he waited back then: I am worth it. Our relationship is worth it. Our future marriage is worth it. And most importantly, his commitment to Christ is worth it.

So stand for nothing less. Just because a guy isn’t respecting you now doesn’t mean you won’t find someone else who does. Plenty of guys refused to wait for me, but I found one who did. And let me tell you, it was WELL worth the wait!

Odds are that many of you who are reading this blog right now have either had premarital sex, are having premarital sex, or are thinking about having premarital sex.

Just look at the statistics:

• A 2002 government survey reported that 94% of American women and 96% of American men engage in premarital sex–as one article concluded, almost EVERYONE has sex before marriage
• According to a poll conducted by Time Magazine 10 years ago, 61% of frequent church attenders do not believe that it’s wrong for an adult to have sex outside of marriage. A recent Barna study confirmed this statistical range, also citing that over 60% of born again adults believe that co-habitation before marriage is also acceptable.
• In 2003, researchers at Northern Kentucky University showed that 61 percent of students who signed sexual-abstinence commitment cards broke their pledges. Of the remaining 39 percent who kept their pledges, 55 percent said they’d had oral sex, and did not consider oral sex to be sex.
• According to statistics in the book Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers (Mark Regenerus), Evangelical teens are actually more likely to have lost their virginity than either mainline Protestants or Catholics. They tend to lose their virginity at a slightly younger age—16.3, compared with 16.7 for the other two faiths. And they are much more likely to have had three or more sexual partners by age 17

Now statistics can be unreliable–we have no way of knowing just how the terms “evangelical,” “born-again,” or even “Christian” are defined in these studies. But even considering the margin of error, premarital sex is a big problem in the Church today. Just ask any pastor who does premarital counseling. I, personally, have a number of friends who are professing Christians but have no problem with it and don’t believe it is in conflict with their faith.

That said, I thought I should write a blog about a seemingly obvious truth that is not so obvious anymore: why premarital sex is wrong. And just so you know where I’m coming from, this is a point on which I have no room for argument. If you say you’re a Bible-believing Christian and you think it’s ok, you are wrong. There is simply no way around that fact. Scripture is clear.

(And if you don’t believe me, just go to biblegateway.com and search “sex.” Or if you’ve got the KJV version, look up fornication. That’s the old school word for premarital sex. It appears pretty frequently, and you’ll get the idea pretty quickly.)

However, for a lot of you it’s not enough to hear “because the Bible says so.” You need to be convinced that this is more than a matter of rule following. And I sympathize. Sex is hard to resist because, simply put, it’s awesome. We wouldn’t want to do it so badly if it wasn’t.

But what feels good now is not necessarily good later. My 6 year old self thought that my greatest good was to eat all the cookies that I could get my hands on in one sitting. My parents knew better. They knew that I would enjoy the cookies at first, but I would get horribly sick, and eventually horribly obese. But at the time, I was blind to the ways in which that instant gratification could make me sick, and we do the same thing with sex.

That said, we need to redefine our categories. Instead of thinking in terms of just right and wrong, we need to also think in terms of healthy and unhealthy, or spiritual life and spiritual death.

And that is what’s at stake here–your soul. Sure, it seems like a bunch of harmless fun, or maybe you really do care about the person you’re sleeping with and this is one way of showing them how you feel.

But God says otherwise. God cares about what you do with your body. And what we do with out bodies is very much connected to our souls.

Here’s why:

Sex is not just a benefit of being married. It is an integral part of the way God designed marriage and our function within marriage. The reason being that marriage, as a whole, reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. And what do we know about that relationship? That it’s defined by two things: intimacy and sacrifice.

Sex within marriage is the only perfect picture of the Christ-Church relationship because it incorporates both of those elements. In the same way that we only achieve intimacy with God as a result of Him first sacrificing His Son for us, intimacy between spouses should only come as a direct result of their sacrifice for one another, their willingness to lay their lives down for one another.

And this idea of laying yourself down for one another is not mere lip service. God didn’t casually mention one day, “Hey, I’ll be there when you need me. Just shoot me an e-mail.” No, He didn’t just tell us with words, He died.

Similarly, it’s not enough to claim, “But my boyfriend loves me and he WOULD do anything for me.” No, he needs to show it, just like Christ. And he needs to make this sacrifice in 2 ways:

1. He needs to sacrifice having sex with you before marriage. Scripture tells us that we are bought at a price, and this verse reminds us that anything worth having comes at a price. That said, when a man sleeps with a woman without “paying the price” of laying himself down for her in a marriage covenant, then he essentially cheapens her asking price. He wants the pleasure without the commitment.

And we do the same with Christ–we “pray the prayer” but we don’t want the commitment and the sacrifice that true discipleship entails. And when we do this, the intimacy we claim to have with Christ, or another, is nothing but a sham. Even if you and your boyfriend have lived together for years and you really love each other, you’ve still sold one another short, because he simply wasn’t worth waiting for.

2. He needs to sacrifice by standing before God, your pastor, your family and your church community, promising to lay himself down for you. In addition to this, he must subject himself to the continuing accountability of those witnesses, who will push him to put you before himself, to take on your finances, your debts, your cares and your hardships, even when he doesn’t want to. In so doing, he lays down his own interests and puts yours first. Only then, having gone through the sacrifical marriage ceremony, does he have the freedom to engage in full intimacy with his wife in a way that mirrors Christ’s relationship with the Church.

With all of that in mind, we come to the key reason why premarital sex is not just wrong, but spiritually poisonous: IT TELLS A LIE ABOUT GOD. It proclaims the lie that intimacy, as God has defined it, is not worth sacrificing for.

That said, you cannot build true, long-lasting intimacy upon a deception about the nature of intimacy. What you have with your girlfriend or boyfriend might be special, but that does not mean it reflects the heart of God. Even if you get along great and never fight and you think that you’re soulmates, you are sewing seeds of destruction into the relationship when you have sex before marriage–you are sewing seeds of impatience, lack of self-control, disrespect, lust, and idolatry. And even though you don’t see it now, those seeds WILL come to fruition.

And that is why I plead with you, not as someone who is lily white in this area, but as someone who has seen the destruction that sexual immorality leads to in my own life–flee from it! Run as fast as you can! Your life might be good now and you might think you’ve got it all figured out–maybe you even think you’ve pulled a fast one on God, that you’ve figured out a way to work the system and get what you want without the consequences. But you will be shocked and regretful 10 years down the road to realize the ways in which your decisions have corroded your soul, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your sexual partner.

Remember, sex is an act of worship because it reflects the character of God. But it is not a thing to be worshipped, something worth compromising your beliefs and your lifestyle just to attain. I know the rationalizations and the justifications because I’ve used them myself, but they are all ultimately lies. There is only one foundation upon which you should build your future, and that is truth. Anything else will ultimately and inevitablely crumble.

*For a GREAT book on this, check out Lauren Winner’s book Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity. You can also find two great articles here and here.

Many women have said to me, “Greg, men run the world.” Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we’re “too shy” or we “just got out of something.” Let me remind you: Men find it satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you.

This advice serves as the opener to a popular book entitled He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Written by Greg Behrendt, this book has become a national best-seller and the inspiration for a romantic comedy set to debut in 2009.

Its popularity is due in large part to its no nonsense approach to dating. In a world where women make excuses for the men who don’t pursue them, Behrendt saves them the time and energy of wondering. According to Behrendt, if a guy is interested he’ll make it clear–women just don’t want to accept this fact. That’s why his chapter titles possess seemingly obvious but necessary wisdom as:

He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Asking You Out

He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You

He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You

He’s Just Not That Into You If He Doesn’t Want to Marry You

…and my personal favorite…

He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Breaking Up With You

This book has a bit of valuable truth to it. For the most part, guys are more straight-forward than women make them out to be. Women spend countless hours constructing dizzying logic about why a man didn’t call or why he doesn’t want to date her. But the truth is, when that same guy sees a women he really digs, then he’ll go for her. Even if he’s nervous or shy. Most of the time, a man’s actions are clear.

However, that is not the point of this blog.

The reason I mention this crazy dynamic between men and women is that it’s a perfect illustration of our attempt to discern God’s will. Scroll back up and read the opening paragraph again, but this time substitute the word “God” for men, and substitute “revealing His will” for asking you out. It’s essentially the same dynamic.

Just think about it–in the same way that we concoct crazy interpretations of a guy’s actions, even when they’re actually pretty clear, we create countless interpretations about God’s supposed will for our lives. But let’s be honest–both sets of interpretations are more likely a reflection of what we want to hear than a realistic assessment of the situation. And as a result, we make the process a lot harder than it needs to be.

In the same way that we agonize over understanding men, we see God’s will as a puzzle that we have to decode, a maze to find our way through. And that’s why we view the search for God’s will as a tight rope walk–if we make just the wrong step, we’ll fall off the path altogether and our lives will be ruined.

In reality, both men and God are not all that difficult to understand. If a guy doesn’t call you, it’s because he’s really not that into you. If God doesn’t give you a clear direction forward, He probably just wants you to chill out where you are. It’s not rocket science.

The real source of our confusion is often an unwillingness to accept the answer that we’re given.

Now I have to admit that my analogy does break down a bit. Sometimes men can be confusing (heck, they’re probably confused themselves a lot of the time!), but such a trait is not part of God’s character. God created the universe and reigns over it every day. He is sovereign, which means He not only desires that we fulfill His purposes, but He is more than capable of guiding us to that end.

That said, God is not going to sit in Heaven nervously biting His finger nails, hoping we follow His will for our lives. He wants us to know it, so if we ask Him, we are guaranteed to receive an answer.

But just like the dating game, it’s not always the answer we want. When God wants you to know the next step, He will make His will clear–the question is whether or not we’re willing to accept it. In the same way that we make excuses in the face of dating rejection, we do the same when God gives us an answer we don’t like.

Sometimes the answer is “wait,” other times the answer is a flat-out “no,” or sometimes the answer may be slightly different than what you were expecting. But whatever God’s will is, He’s not deliberately hiding it from you. On the contrary, He has a vested interest in making sure you know it.

As I said, the analogy isn’t perfect because men will sometimes lie to spare a woman’s feelings or avoid feeling guilty. And occasionally a guy really is too shy to ask a girl out. But with God, you can count on Him to lead you because unlike the men that Greg Behrendt’s described, God is always into you.