Last night my husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate 6 months of marriage, as well as the second anniversary of our first date. It was a very special Valentine’s Day to be sure! As we sat across from one another at dinner, he slid a folded piece of yellow notepad paper across the table. I opened it up to read a wonderful love letter expressing his commitment to me and repeating his vows.

Now before you say “blech” and then click the “exit” button on this window, I promise this isn’t going to be a mushy gushy tribute to Valentine’s Day and my husband. The reason I mention this letter is that there were two things in it that were challenging to me, not only in the way I view my faith but the way I view my marriage as well. On the day after celebrating a holiday about love, Ike provided me with a thoughtful perspective that I think is helpful for us all:

1. Love is a Lifelong Commitment, Not a One-time Promise: What follows is a quote from the letter. Those of you who know Ike are going to crack up. He’s the only one I know who would quote Soren Kierkegaard in a love letter:

“Kierkegaard once quoted the saying, ‘To promise is honorable, but to keep is hard.” And then commenting on a generation that he saw make a lot of promises that it didn’t keep, he added his own corrective: ‘A promise is only honorable if someone does the hard work of keeping it!’ As I began to think on this, I thought of the promise I made to you and to God on the day of our wedding. I thought of the way in which it becomes so easy to pat myself on the back for making the promise as if the making of the promise itself is somehow meritorious. But in fact, the failure to keep such a promise would void the promise altogether and it possibly would be better not to have made the promise in the first place. The promises I made that day are honorable if and only if I keep them every single day.”

The truth of his words cannot be understated. In a culture that no longer views promises as binding commitments–more like a solid “I’ll do my best”–we as Christians have the opportunity to stand out by letting our yeses be yeses. (Matt. 5:37) This is true of our marriages, our friendships, our work commitments, and most importantly our commitment to God. The sincerity of a one-time promise to follow Him will be found lacking if it’s not followed by a lifetime of allegiance.

*I should also add that Ike’s commitment to love me is in no way encouraged or eased by who I am as a person. I am not super lovable, somehow making his promise an easy one to keep. On the contrary, I’m often a VERY difficult person to love, but that’s what gives meaning to his promise. A promise means little when it requires little of us. The promises that we must work to keep are the promises that say the most about our commitment.

2. Love is a Lifestyle–Ike closed his letter with the following words:

“The experience of Valentine’s Day cannot be created in a single day if it is not cared for and nurtured throughout the rest of the year.”

As romantic as his words were, the first thing I thought as I read them was, “So it is with God!” No woman should have to wait an entire year to be romanced by her husband. While we can’t all afford to go out to nice restaurants every night of the week, the affection displayed on Valentine’s Day should not be a once-a-year event. Otherwise, it doesn’t seem incredibly sincere. It’s more like a payoff to make up for the other 364 days of mediocrity.

And so it is with God. A once-a-week or once-a-year trip to church is no substitute for a lifestyle of adoration. And like a faithful wife, God desires our constant affection. The hour or two we spend in church should be a natural continuation of all that you do to love Him the rest of the week.

So those are just two lessons that I was reminded of on Valentine’s Day. On a day that is often cliché and superficial, they helped me to reflect on love in a fruitful and edifying way.

And for those of you who don’t have an aversion to sappy-ness, I will close with the this final tidbit from our date: As I read the letter in the restaurant I started to cry, and of course our waitress walked up right at that moment. She looked at me and asked if I was alright. (Looking back, I think it would have been funny if I’d told her that Ike just broke up with me, just to see how she’d react!) But anyways, I told her that we just celebrated 6 months of marriage and that it was the 2 year anniversary of our first date, so Ike had written this beautiful love letter to me in honor of the day. Well apparently our waitress was a hopeless romantic because SHE began to cry. In fact, she had trouble keeping it together as she collected our plates. She kept saying how beautiful it was and how she loved romantic gestures like that. All the while her bottom lip continued to quiver. It was very sweet, but also very funny!

Now that I’m back home this is the last day I’ll be re-posting popular blogs, and for the last one I wanted to post a blog that has been unexpectedly popular. A lot of women have found my blog by looking for information on this topic, and I’ve come to realize it’s a question many women wrestle with. I receive feedback from this particular post all the time, so I hope you too will be encouraged by “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit? Buh!”

If you’ve ever met me, even once, you probably know one thing about my personality–I am not shy. Although an introvert by nature, I tend to be fairly outgoing and outspoken when the occasion calls (or when it doesn’t). I’m the daughter of a go-getting entrepreneur, so I’ve tried to study and learn my dad’s leadership strengths, and I definitely have his personality.

I’m not a wall flower. At all.

With that in mind, I have deliberately avoided the following verses, which have made me feel squeamish and uncomfortable every time I’ve read them:

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. –1 Peter 3:3-4

Now I’m totally tracking with the first verse. That’s a topic I discuss with young women all the time–the importance of not founding your confidence on fleeting, superficial physical attributes.

But the second verse–that’s the one that always makes me squirm. Adorn yourself with a “gentle and quiet spirit?” I don’t like the sound of that! It sounds like a prescription for a cookie cutter personality. In order to be a good Christian woman you have to be quiet and shy and not talk too much. You have to be compliant and meek and easy to dominate.

And that’s how some Christians have interpreted these verses. Because of this passage, strong Christian women have been made to feel less feminine or ungodly because they had outgoing personalities. They were a perceived threat to male leadership.

But that’s by no means the best interpretation of those verses. Notice that it says a quiet and gentle “spirit,” not “personality.” This verse is describing the spirit and motive that drives your personality, not the personality itself. You can still be outgoing and strong and passionate, while also possessing a quiet and gentle spirit underneath.

That said, it’s also important to note that a woman can be painfully shy and quiet, while also possessing a rebellious and bitter spirit. It’s not the personality that this passage is addressing, but the guiding compass behind it. God cares about your heart.

With all of this in mind, I thought I’d draw up a little list of diagnostics, highlighting the distinctions between an outgoing woman with a quiet and gentle spirit, versus an outgoing woman without such a spirit. Look over it and then search your heart to see which category you fall into:

With a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

- Confident but not forceful
- Demonstrates leadership without being overly controlling
- Is driven by a trust in Christ, not a fear of failure
- Outspoken but humble
- Slow to speak, communicating Scriptural truth and wisdom

Without a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

- Will push and push until she gets her way
- A control freak
- Driven by fear
- Always has to be heard
- Brash, quick to speak, and quick to become angry

At their cores, the difference between these two spirits is peace versus fear. You are being driven by either one or the other, and it’s up to you to determine which one it is.

So if you’re like me, go ahead and be outgoing! Be passionate and outspoken and be a leader! But do it for the right reasons. Not because you want attention or because you have something to prove or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t. Do it because God gave you that personality and He should be glorified through it.

A quiet and gentle spirit does not equal a bland personality–it’s simply an anchor that enhances your God-given uniqueness, so embrace it!

Today I was talking to my mom about a tough situation she’s recently found herself in. For the past couple years she’s been helping out a friend financially whenever things got tight, but the situation has gradually started to change. What was once a charitable leg-up from time to time has now become frequent and awkward. Her friend now calls asking for large sums of money to fund dubious needs. And my mom is expected to foot the bill. Her friend needs it, my mom has it, so she assumes my mom will cover it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a situation like that before, but there’s a funny line between charity and entitlement. Sometimes generosity is received as if it were somehow deserved, rather than a gift of grace. And when this happens, the sweetness of the giving is taken away. You feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. You also realize that you weren’t really helping them at all–except to help them form a bad habit.

I talked with my mom about this and the situation frustrated me. But I honestly can’t judge her friend–I do the same thing all the time. For instance, I totally do this to my husband. The guy seriously deserves an award–he does the dishes, cleans the bathroom, takes out the dog when it’s cold and dark and I don’t want to, and he cooks me an amazing pancake breakfast every Sunday morning. He is a wonderful husband! I couldn’t ask for more.

But I don’t focus on those things, do I! Instead, I focus on the fact that he always leaves the pantry light on with the doors wide open, instead of turning off the light and closing them. Or I focus on the fact that he continually forgets to close the shower curtain so that it can’t air out and dry. These are the things I focus on. Why can’t he just listen? Why can’t he do exactly what I want when I want it? Why isn’t he at my beckon call?

Clearly, I have become entitled. Rather than be grateful for my amazing husband’s acts of service and generosity, I am ungrateful that he doesn’t do more. It’s as if he signed on to be my personal slave. And as a result of my entitled attitude, I feel self-righteous and bitter when he does something wrong, rather than humbled and grateful for all the times he goes above and beyond.

Oh but it doesn’t stop there! You wanna know another place I’ve turned charity into entitlement? In my relationship with God. Jesus’ sacrifice was the greatest gift of undeserved grace the world has ever seen, yet I act as if it says more about my own goodness than the infinite grace of the Giver. So rather than take my sin seriously, I become entitled.

This attitude is what Dietrich Bonhoeffer refers to as “cheap grace.” In his book The Cost of Discipleship he describes cheap grace as “Grace without price; grace without cost! The essence of grace, we suppose, is that the account has been paid in advance; and, because it has been paid, everything can be had for nothing. Cheap grace is the grace we bestow on ourselves. Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession…. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.”

Entitlement results when we have cheapened grace. We bestow grace upon ourselves because we think we deserve it. Little repentance is necessary because there is nothing to repent of. “God’s gift of grace was a reflection of what I deserve, not His self-giving, sacrificial love,” I secretly think. Though I may not openly admit this mindset, my true feelings are betrayed when grace is withheld. I grow bitter because God hasn’t given me what I “rightly deserve.” I shake my fist at Him and angrily ask why, instead of reflecting on that from which I have been graciously spared.

The appropriate response to God’s charity is to acknowledge that His grace wasn’t cheap at all. It was, in fact, costly. The fitting response to such grace is humble, jubilant gratitude, not spoiled entitlement. And the same is true of my marriage. Not everyone has a husband as servant-hearted as mine, and there was nothing about pancake breakfasts in our vows. He gives to me out of the kindness of his heart, a habit that says volumes about him and very little about me. So it is with God.

I don’t know about you, but as a woman there is one thing that I’ve always felt was lacking in my spiritual life: a mentor. I have wonderful, godly parents and awesome Christian friends, but I’ve always wanted an older woman in my life with whom to have an intentional mentoring relationship, someone who’s a little bit further along in life experience and can challenge me in the face of my spiritual blind spots. I had one in college, but since then I’ve largely been going it solo.

I know I’m not alone in this. A lot of women either yearn for a mentor, or simply desire solid friendships with other women. Maybe you just moved to a new area and you’re having trouble meeting people. Or maybe you’re going through a tough time and you need some women to walk alongside of you and support you. But your church is so big or your schedule is too busy and it’s just not happening.

So we get stuck feeling frustrated. Even hopeless. This is also a time when it’s easy to become bitter towards the church. Why isn’t the church supplying my need? Why aren’t Christians reaching out to me?

In response to these feelings of frustration, a friend of mine recently directed me to a passage of Scripture that was unexpectedly helpful: Luke 1:39-40.

In this passage, Mary has just received some of the scariest news of her life. She is pregnant out of wedlock with the Son of God. Yeah, yikes! On top of all that, she has no idea if Joseph will still marry her, or how she will support herself if he won’t. If there was ever a time when a woman needed another woman’s encouragement, it was then!

So what does Mary do? Does she stay in her house and wait for a woman to come find her? Does she walk by the other women in town with her head hung low, hoping they will notice? No! She seeks a woman out. She leaves town and goes to Elizabeth, a woman “filled with the Holy Spirit” who speaks truth to her and encourages her with the goodness of God’s blessing.

Even in a vulnerable, fragile state, Mary took initiative. She knew that she needed the support of another godly, woman, so she diligently sought it out. She put herself out there. And sometimes that’s what we need to do as well.

Sometimes it can be hard to meet new people, and sometimes we’re so tired and overwhelmed that the last thing we feel like doing is seeking someone out. But Mary’s example reminds us that as much as Christians should be reaching out to people, they don’t have the benefit of God’s omniscience. No Christian woman, no matter how compassionate or discerning, can know all the hurts and needs of those around her unless she is told. This reality puts a burden of responsibility on our own shoulders. We need to initiate.

It can be scary putting yourself out there and sometimes it can take time, but God gave us the church as a resource for life. Take advantage of it! I guarantee there are women at your church or a church near you who would LOVE to be a part of your life–they just haven’t met you yet.

So be like Mary. Be brave. Put yourself out there. If you meet someone new at church, ask her to meet you for coffee. Find out if your church has a small group you can plug into. Be the initiator. And like Mary, you are sure to find women who will spur you on toward Christ and make you feel most “blessed among women.”

I recently spoke with a woman named Miriam Charter who spent 10 years doing ministry in Communist Europe during the Soviet era. She had gone to Romania to assist the churches there, and God eventually directed her steps to teach women, a ministry the Romanian churches had failed to undertake.

What is remarkable about this story is the manner in which she conducted her ministry. On the one hand, Christianity was opposed by the government so she had to be highly secretive, meeting in the lofts of barns and basements–all places where they could be safe from the watchful eye of the secret police.

Now in light of this fact, that Christianity was being crushed under the iron fist of the government, the second aspect of her ministry was surprising to me. When she met with these women in secret, she gave them the following stipulation for their involvement in her ministry:

“I am willing to take the risks of crossing the iron curtain in order to be here to teach you. I’m willing to invest in you. ON ONE CONDITION: that you will do exactly what I am doing and form the second generation of disciples. Everything I teach you, you will teach the second generation. That’s my condition! If you commit to that – I’ll commit to keep coming regularly to train you.”

She would remind these women of her condition every time she met with them. And every time she met with them she’d ask, “Whose names are in your second generation circles? Who are you investing in? Give me the names of your disciples.” After several years, if they could not give her at least one other name to whom they were passing the faith, she would tell them that they could not continue in the group. She was not going to invest her life in a person who had no interest in reproducing herself.

This “condition” was shocking to me. After all, these women are taking a huge risk simply by meeting with her! Isn’t that commitment enough? Christianity was already struggling–why not take all the women you can get?!

I spoke with Miriam a few days ago about this very thing, and she told me the rest of the story. Since that time, her discipleship program has grown…a LOT. The women she discipled reached out to a second generation of women. That second generation of women reached out to a third. And the third reached out to the fourth. In the coming months, Miriam will return to Romania for a conference with the THOUSANDS of women that have now become disciples of Christ as a result of the movement she began.

I couldn’t believe it, and Miriam’s response was simple: “It was all based on 2 Timothy 2:2. We are to teach others what has been entrusted to us. It worked because it’s biblical.”

What a challenge to those of us who do ministry! It has certainly caused me to rethink my approach to women’s ministry. Women’s ministry often coddles women and provides an emotional support system, but it’s not known for its commitment to rigorous disciple-making. I’ve never told my small group women point blank: “You should be pouring into other women or else I don’t want to be pouring into you.” Sounds kind of harsh, huh? But that’s essentially what Paul said to Timothy. He wasn’t teaching him just for Timothy’s sake. He wanted Timothy to teach others.

If you serve in any type of leadership in your church, keep this bigger picture in mind. Is your circle of influence reproducing itself? Are you pushing the women you teach to teach others? The Bible commands us to go and make disciples, and while we often interpret “disciples” to mean “converts” we are called to much, much more. We should be investing in the Christians around us and raising up radically committed followers of Christ, and I’m afraid I have watered that call down. It appears from the growth of Miriam’s ministry that my “easy call” wasn’t doing anyone any favors, let alone the Kingdom of God.

I want to begin today’s post with a story of unrequited love. It’s the tale of Ellie the chihuahua and Bo the boxer/English bulldog. Bo is pictured to the left. He’s my mother-in-law’s dog and he weighs roughly 60 to 70 pounds. He’s also one giant muscle. Ellie, my dog, weighs about 10 pounds. You can probably see where this is going.

Every time I bring Ellie to see Bo, he is beside himself with excitement. He loves Ellie. He starts out with the usual dog handshake–the butt sniff–which she seems relatively ok with. But then he starts falling all over himself with enthusiasm. He gets in her face, he wants to play, he wants to be as close to her as possible. And to this, Ellie’s response has always been the same: rejection. She bares her death and growls. I like to say she’s guarding her virginity, but in all honesty she’s probably just terrified of being eaten.

You see Bo doesn’t understand how to love Ellie the right way. He comes on so strong that she perceives his love as an attack. My husband has tried to coach him on how to be smooth with the ladies, but Bo just won’t listen. He’s too aggressive, which is why their love will never be. Bo doesn’t know how to be gentle.

Now the reason I share this story is two-fold. First, we tend to think of gentleness as a primarily female attribute, but it’s not. Not only is it listed in Galatians 5:23 as a fruit of the Spirit for all believers, but the story of Bo and Ellie also demonstrates how crucial it is for men to be gentle. How many of you know a guy who came on so strong that he was either way too aggressive, or just creepy? And more importantly, husbands must learn to be gentle if they’re going to love their wives well. For al my guy readers out there, your wife isn’t like your buddies. You can’t yell at her or fight with her and then go shoot hoops with her. You have to be gentle. Otherwise, you’ll always struggle to love your wife, and your children, effectively.

So gentleness is not just for women. But here’s the main reason I shared the story of Bo and Ellie: Gentleness is the way we translate love into a language the world can understand.

In the same way that Ellie perceived Bo’s love as an attack, the world often feels the same way about Christians. We show love so aggressively, namely by sharing the Gospel in harsh ways, that the world feels assaulted, not loved.

That’s why gentleness is such a crucial fruit of the spirit. Without it, we could make love look like whatever we want. We could be absolute jerks and call it “tough love.” Christians do that all the time. But God heads us off at the pass and says, “Now wait, I want you to be loving, but I also want you to be gentle.” Gentleness serves as a qualifier that prevents us from abusing love. It ensures that we’re conveying love in a way that the world can receive it.

So while gentleness is the oft-forgotten fruit of the Spirit that we tend to value little, I encourage you to consider how effectively you show it. Also ask you friends. When you’ve tried to convey a tough truth to them, did you do it gently? When you disagreed with your roommate or husband, did you relate your anger or your convictions gently? If you’ve ever had trouble effectively communicating your feelings to people, this could be the reason why. But more importantly your witness is at stake. If we feel the need to force the Gospel on people, they’ll probably respond the way Ellie does to Bo. We need gentleness to translate our love into a language the world can understand.

I don’t know about you, but I always get a little wary when someone states that “God told them” to do something. I wanna ask, “Wait a minute, what do you mean God told you? Did He send an angel to you in the night? Did you audibly hear His voice?” All the while thinking, “I don’t think God told you anything. It was probably just a bad burrito.”

Yet as cynical as I am in the face of these claims, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve basically done the same thing. I may not have admitted openly that “God told me xyz,” but I assumed it in my heart. I just knew I was supposed to marry the guy I was dating, or I just knew I was gonna get that job. I believed in a very powerful way that God had spoken these things to me, and they were going to happen.

However most of the time, they didn’t.

Now far be it from me to question the Holy Spirit’s leading in someone’s life. I do know the Holy Spirit will never lead in a way that contradicts Scripture, but if you say that God told you you’re gonna marry a man with brown eyes who loves dogs, then that’s between you and God. What’s more, Scripture does give us examples of people who heard directly from God Himself. We shouldn’t assume He would never do the same today.

The problem with these claims, however, is that they are tough to distinguish from our emotions. Sometimes we want something so badly that we can’t sort out our desire from the voice of God. And in my own life, desire has been far louder.

Desire, coupled with imagination, is a powerful influence in the mind of a woman. We can literally convince ourselves of something that is not at all of God, and that is a scary reality. We can convince ourselves that we can date or marry men we shouldn’t, buy things we shouldn’t, or let ourselves off the hook from following God the ways we should.

All of that to say, here are several ways that God DOES speak to us in a definitive way. If you think God has told you something, how does it line up with the following….

1. Scripture. As I said, God won’t lead you in a way that contradicts His Word. Maybe the Bible doesn’t say whether or not you should leave your kids with a nanny so you can pursue a career, but what does it say about being a godly mother and wife? Maybe it doesn’t tell you whether Alex is your soulmate, but can he lead you spiritually?

2. Godly counsel. What are your godly friends and family saying? If they are all telling you the same thing–namely, that a decision is wise or unwise–you should listen. The Holy Spirit uses the people in your life as a vehicle for His voice, so when you fail to heed consistent godly counsel, you are ultimately rebelling against God.

3. Circumstances. God never told me to marry my husband. But after I spent time getting to know him, learning about his character and how my personality matched with his (among other factors), I prayerfully came to the decision that it was wise to love him as my husband. Had our personalities clashed, that would have been an answer to the contrary. Sometimes our circumstances are clear indicators of God’s leading. If God has shut a door, that is often His way of telling you directly that He has something else in mind.

#2 and #3 are somewhat flexible since people can give you bad advice, and sometimes our circumstances are meant to teach us perseverance and patience rather than a clear negative answer. But usually there will be an extent to which the above three factors will all align on some level. If, however, you are still struggling to discern the voice of God, the last way He speaks to us is as follows…

4. Holy Spirit leading. There have certainly been times in my life when God has disquieted my spirit in a way that seemed to be coming from Him. It was usually in contradiction with my desires–perhaps I wasn’t willing to sacrifice as much for my church, or I had my heart set on taking a particular job that I never actually felt a peace about taking. There have also been times when I knew I was making a bad decision, but I did it anyway. That knowledge of the decision’s wrongness was the Holy Spirit.

While the Holy Spirit can direct our mind and instincts, it’s important to to check these “feelings” against the first three indicators I listed above. If it contradicts Scripture, or if it goes against the advice of godly women, or if circumstances keep getting in the way, then the “feeling” is likely just selfish desire. Otherwise, the leading may be affirmation of all that you already know or have heard from the Holy Spirit’s primary means of communication–His Word, His people and His world.

All of that to say, God DOES speak to us, every day in fact. But how he speaks to us is usually different from what the words “God told me to” imply. While God can certainly reveal Himself in dramatic ways, He already did so through His Son, and he continues to do so though Scripture and the Church. Many people engage in self-destructive decision making because “God told them to do something,” using it as a guise for doing what they want. At the very least, be honest with yourself and God.

And for those of us who are so blinded by our desires that even this type of honesty is difficult, remember that the ONLY promises we definitively have are found in Scripture and pertain to the Christian life. God doesn’t need to add to His promises, so be careful in doing so yourself–you may be setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

Have you ever gone to a Chinese restaurant and at the end of your meal, opened your fortune cookie only to discover that it’s not really a fortune at all? It’s more like a proverb or words of wisdom, something like, “He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at,” or “Life is not a mystery to be solved but a reality to be experienced.” Whenever I get fortunes like these I always feel sort of stiffed. Those aren’t actually fortunes–they’re just general words about life.

I guess I shouldn’t be too disappointed to receive these non-fortunes, given my theological convictions or whatever. But my experience, my sense of wondering, “Isn’t there more??” is not unique to opening fortune cookies. I get a similar feeling whenever I read Proverbs 22:13. It goes like this:

The sluggard says, “There is a lion outside! I shall be killed in the streets!”

That’s it. That’s the proverb.

I actually laugh every time I read it because it’s so short and seems to give no apparent instruction whatsoever. It’s as if Solomon was in the middle of writing Proverbs when he started to doze off and write random stuff in a half-awake state of consciousness. (Which I actually did a lot in seminary myself. I’ve got some crazy notes about Augustine and grapes)

Fortunately we know that all Scripture is the inspired Word of God, which means we should always dig deeper in the face of Biblical oddities like this one. So to begin, what’s a sluggard? This word appears all throughout Proverbs, but it’s not exactly a word I use all the time, so what does it mean? As the word itself sort of implies, a sluggard is “a person who is habitually lazy or inactive.”

Knowing that, what exactly is going on in this proverb? To understand it, I think you have to imagine this scenario taking place in a quiet American suburb. There are perfectly manicured lawns, children riding their bikes across the street, and the sound of sprinklers gently watering the grass off in the distance. It’s peaceful, and it’s very safe.

Now imagine that your lazy cousin Ricky Bobby is in your house and refuses to go out and get a job. He’s just graduated from high school and had a brief stint working at Hardee’s, but the work schedule of 20 hours a week cut into his video game time, so he quit. Now he’s working hard at carving out a Ricky Bobby-shaped wedge in your couch, and he’s slowly amassing a pile of Cheeto’s bags and beef jerky wrappers all around him. When you try to get him to leave, he distractedly garbles out a response along the lines of, “I can’t go out there it’s not….safe. There’s uh….there’s a pit bull across the street that, uh…. doesn’t like me.” Then he turns back to his game.

Clearly this is crazy talk. But the problem is not that he’s a paranoid schizophrenic–the problem is that he’s unbelievably lazy. And that is kind of logic we see in Proverbs 22:13. It’s about as likely that a lion is lurking outside the sluggard’s house as it is that a pit bull is waiting to attack Ricky Bobby. Neither individuals is truly worried that an animal is out there ready to get them–it’s just an excuse to sit on their butts.

That’s ultimately what a sluggard is–someone who creates excuses out of thin air to avoid doing the will of God. And with that in mind, we can’t be too quick to judge the sluggard. While the proverb is perhaps an extreme example, we come up with similar “what if” excuses all the time. When we consider what radical discipleship to God might entail, perhaps giving our money away more generously, perhaps moving to another country, perhaps loving your husband and being kind to him even when he’s acting selfishly–all of these prospects create “what if” fears. What if we don’t have enough money? What if God calls us some place dangerous? What if he doesn’t change? What if there’s a lion in the streets?

And just as quickly as we ask these questions, we answer them. No, it’s not smart, it’s not safe, and it’s not gonna work. So we let ourselves off the hook, not because God has given us His answer, but because we don’t want to disrupt our comfortable lives. That is what a sluggard would do.

While the concocted tale of a lion in the streets sounds absurd, it’s no more absurd than our ideas of what’s best for our lives. We devise plans for ourselves, what we think is wisest and surest, all for the sake of avoiding those dangers and pitfalls that God has said we need not fear. When we fear the world instead of God, we fear a danger that doesn’t really even exist. And in doing so, we remain in a state of inaction. So don’t be a spiritual sluggard! Examine your fears and ask God if they have any basis in reality. Is it a fear that God has given you, or is it as realistic a fear as a lion in the streets?

Last Spring Andy Stanley, Pastor of North Point Church in Atlanta, preached a sermon that altogether encompassed an idea I’ve been trying and failing to articulate over the last several months. He called it the Path Principle, and the idea is simple:

Direction determines destination.

He began by explaining that if you were to get on I-95 and head North, you won’t get to Florida. No matter what your intentions may be, no matter how fast or diligently you drive, you are headed away from Florida, not towards it. With that in mind, destination is not about intentions. You can make a decision with all the good intentions in the world, but if it’s headed in the wrong direction, it won’t take you where you want to go.

Stanley based his sermon off of Proverbs 7, in which Solomon watches a young man as he foolishly steps into the house of an adulteress. In the young man’s mind, however, he thinks this is a fabulous idea! Her husband is away, she has just returned from presenting her sin offering (that is, she paid God off or “got right with God” so that she could go sin without consequences), and she had an intoxicating night of love planned just for him.

And like the “throng” of men who had gone before him, he went inside thinking how lucky he was, that he could somehow pull this off without facing any consequences. He was the “exception” to the rule, he thought.

But Solomon notes that this man is not the exception; he is the rule. And this path that he is on, it’s a highway. Countless men have gone before him thinking the exact same thing. And just like those other men, he walked into his fate as a “an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life.” (7:22-23)

This young man thought he was making a one-time decision. He thought there wouldn’t be consequences. But this wasn’t just a decision, it was a path, and it placed him in a direction that led toward his personal destruction.

This story, and Stanley’s application of it, have captivated me. The more I read Proverbs the more I see the analogy re-affirmed. All over the place there is language of taking the “path” or “way” of righteousness or death. It places our daily actions within a more holistic framework, giving them the appropriate weight they are due, rather than brushing them off as “not that big of a deal” or “God can use it somehow.”

As a minister to women of all ages, I can’t think of a better strategy for making life decisions. It’s applications are so incredibly far-reaching! When talking to young women about dating or sex, the conversation shouldn’t merely be about what rules they’re breaking, what they can or can’t get away with. It’s instead about the path they are taking. If you date a non-Christian, you’re walking on a path of destruction. If you’re having sex with your boyfriend, then you’re on a path of destruction. If you’re flirting with physical boundaries, or maybe you’re flirting with the attractive married man in your office–these are not isolated actions. Each one of those choices is a path in a particular direction. It doesn’t matter how noble or innocent your intentions, because intentions are irrelevant. And you are not the exception, you are the rule.

Other areas of application…

Parenting–If your destination is to raise godly children, then get off the path of over-scheduling them with so many activities that church is no longer the top priority.

Money–If your destination is to be a good steward of your money, then get off the path of living beyond your means

Healthy Body Image–If your destination is to have a healthy respect for the beauty of your body as God created it, then get off the path of constantly consuming lies about true beauty by reading the magazines and watching the t.v. shows that project them (Side Note: I’m going to write a blog about this whole air-brushing scandal very soon!)

Intimacy with God–If your destination is having a living, growing relationship with God, then get off the path of church shopping, consuming your church instead of serving it, and refusing to make a daily devotion a priority in your schedule.

And the list goes on and on. But all of that to say, examine the decisions you are making right now about your life, and do the math. What path are you on, and where is it going to take you? Not where do you hope it will take you, but where does Scripture say it will take you? That’s your answer.

Ever since I got engaged I’ve gotten hooked on a show called “Bridezillas.” It’s one of those train-wreck type shows that you just can’t look away from, but I’ve also been watching it to keep my perspective on this whole wedding planning process in check. Whenever I find myself stressing over insignificant details like the color of the reception chairs or table card designs, I think of Bridezillas and it jolts me back to reality.

In case you’ve never seen the show, here’s a clip that will give you a good taste of what these bride are like. CRAzy!!!!!!!

(For the sake of the groom, I really hope that was staged….)

What’s especially interesting about the show is that each episode follows a specific and consistent plot line. The viewer follows the bride as she belittles her bridesmaids, treats her fiancé like dirt, and goes nuts over the tiniest of details. She is a living nightmare.

Yet in spite of these brides’ horrific personalities, the shows always ends the same. Magically, at the moment of the wedding ceremony the bride is transformed! As if her fairy godmother had flitted into the church and waved a wand about her, the bridezilla’s monstrous behavior is but a distant memory. While she walks down the aisle smiling sweetly, the narrator concludes that the Bridezilla has now “changed into a blushing, beautiful bride.”

It doesn’t matter that she almost called off the wedding the day before, or that she repeatedly told her fiancé how stupid he was, or that she forced her bridesmaids to gain weight since they weren’t allowed to look better than her. Without exception, the narrator always states some variation of that line–the Bridezilla is now a Princess Bride.

After awhile, this part of the show really got to me. I mean who are they fooling? Just because you slap a white dress on a girl and put a tiara on her head does not a lovely bride make. These women are absolute horrors and their fiancés should run for the hills! No spin on the situation can change that fact.

But here’s what really struck me about the whole thing–While I get so angry at the narrator for such a blatant misrepresentation of  the situation, for covering over the clear hypocrisy of the bride–promising to love and honor her husband after just having called him an idiot or a fat pig–I do not apply that same high standard of consistency and authenticity to myself.

When you think about it, Bridezillas is an illustration of the Christian life. We as Christians are the Bride of Christ. We get all dressed up and then step into the church with our best faces on. We sing songs to God, hold our hands high and take meticulous notes on the sermon.

But what were we doing just hours or days before walking into that church? Did we honor and respect our spiritual groom, or did we deny him with our words and actions? Maybe we failed to share the Gospel with a co-worker when given the chance because we were afraid of what she might think. Perhaps we gossiped about other Christians to make ourselves look better, all the while tearing down the Body of Christ. Or maybe we spent our money selfishly instead of giving of it generously.

Every day of every week we give our hearts to other lovers, the countless idols that have our true devotion. We are bridezilla Christians who fail to love, honor, and be faithful to our heavenly groom.

And while we live this life of marital infidelity to Christ, we put on a facade of purity and holiness. I am certainly guilty of this. As I walk through the doors of my church it’s as if I magically transform into “Perfect Christian.” I know just what to say and how to act. I praise God loudly and nod affirmations during the sermon. But oftentimes the image I project is about as authentic as a Bridezilla masquerading as a sweet and innocent wife-to-be. The show’s portrayal of her supposed “change” is a complete farce. And oftentimes so is mine.

While God does desire that we set aside time each week to gather in worship of Him, that time is not meant to be in contrast with the rest of our week. Nor is it a weekly spiritual pick-me-up. It is instead a natural continuation of of our every day lives, one of many ways that we praise and worship our Heavenly Father. Just one of many.

There is a reason why the Bible describes Christians as the Bride of Christ. The fresh and excited affection of a young bride is the exact image that Scripture intends to define the entire Christian life. On the day I get married, I will be enthralled with my fiancé. I will be eager and willing to give my whole self over to him, to love and respect him the rest of my life. And that is the type of love we are to embody every day of our lives–that of a bride who yearns to be united with her groom in unconditional, everlasting love. We aren’t fooling anyone if we play the part of a bride on Sunday morning, and then live as spiritual bridezillas every other day of the week.