Right now I’m on a mission trip with some of my students for the following week. While I’m away I’ll be posting some of my most popular blogs from the past couple years. This one in particular is a great reminder as I prepare for marriage.
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“Irreconcilable differences.”

That seems to be one of the most common reasons for divorce that you hear today. And I really have no idea what it means.I sometimes wonder if it’s a generic way of categorizing more specific problem, ie. “I want my wife to stop cheating on me but she would prefer not to” or “I want to use our money for food, but my husband wants to use it at the casino.” Those sound like fairly irreconcilable differences to me.

But perhaps the most likely reason for this term is that couples simply get tired of trying. Marriage is hard work, and if you fall out of love with your spouse, or someone better comes along, it no longer seems worth the effort. Little decisions become huge debates, and you can’t seem to agree on anything. At the end of the day, you are just too different to make it work, so you split on the basis of “irreconcilable differences.

“Well science and psychology are now disagreeing with this premise. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is the founder of The Gottman Institute, which has done ground-breaking research into marital relationships and what makes them work. Specifically, Gottman did a study in which he videotaped newlyweds discussing an issue about which they disagreed, and then he tracked the couples over the following years to see which couples stayed together and which ones divorced.

After years had gone by and the fates of the marriages had largely been determined, Gottman went back to the videos and examined the interactions between the couples in an attempt to discover which couples were built to last, and which couples were doomed for destruction. Based on that information, Gottman now feels he is able to predict with considerable accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

And what were the characteristics of a doomed marriage? Gottman observed that in couples who later divorced, there was an element of contempt in their disagreements with one another. While arguing, they would be condescending, they would freeze one another out by refusing to listen to the other, and they would tear one another down with name-calling and insults.

The successful couples, on the other hand, were quite the opposite. Though they still disagreed on things, they were willing to listen and grow from one another. And even more fascinating about their interactions is that for every negative thing they said toward the other, they would counteract it with an average of five positive things.

The successful couples also prevented the argument from escalating. Gottman found that the more a person’s heart rate increased, the less they were able to listen and respond rationally. When the heart rate increased, they were more prone to become defensive and lash out. Couples who were able to be patient and gentle with one another, thereby preventing the argument from escalating, were able to sustain a conversation that was not only respectful, but from which they both could grow.

When this decades long study was all said and done, Gottman came to the following conclusion: a happy couple is not a couple without conflict. According to Gottman, all couples fight. All couples have irreconcilable differences. It’s how you handle those differences that makes or breaks your marriage.

Since Gottman first began his research, he and his wife now offer programs and seminars to help couples work on their marriages, and his teachings have met with tremendous success. Married couples do well to heed his advice–not to mention the fact that he’s merely reinforcing Scripture’s countless commands to guard your tongue, be quick to listen and always loving. After all, love is patient and love is kind, not sarcastic and condescending.

But what about us single folks? What’s the take away message for us? Well even though Gottman’s study relates to marital relationships, his principles are important to apply in almost any situation. Our spouses shouldn’t be the only ones we labor to love well–we should seek to listen and grow from everyone around us. That is a reputation that Christians do not have right now. The way we relate to non-Christians often looks more like the soon-to-be-divorced couple’s interactions–we know that we are right, and we treat people like idiots if they do not agree with us.

So whether or not you are married, we all need to cultivate the art of loving disagreement. This does not mean compromising ourselves, but it does mean that we convey respect and care amidst our irreconcilable differences. When we do this, we increase the likelihood that others will actually listen, and we might learn a thing or two as well.

I have heard it said that Christians never impose their beliefs on others–they simply propose, as a lover to the beloved. If that is our model for evangelism, then the keys to a healthy marriage have implications for us all. 

Up until about 3 months ago, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d gotten a manicure. I always thought that manicures were for prissy girls with too much time and money on their hands, so I only had my nails done when I was in a wedding and was required to do so.

That all changed just before I got engaged. I knew that a lot of people would be looking at my hand once there was a ring on it, and I began to notice just how jacked up my nails appeared. I am really bad about biting them, so I’ve always had rather manly looking, construction worker hands. That was not the kind of thing that I wanted people staring at.

So ever since then I’ve been getting manicures on a fairly regular basis. And in doing so, God has opened my eyes to some interesting missional opportunities for Christian women.

I came to this realization today as I sat across from a young Vietnamese woman while I had my nails painted. I was listening to my iPod with the headphones in my ears, which served as a kind of barrier between the two of us. Occasionally she would ask me a question or make a comment, but I couldn’t really hear her because of my iPod, so eventually she gave up. We sat across from one another in silence.

This may have been the full extent of the story had the Holy Spirit not entered the seen. As I sat their absorbed in my podcast I began to feel a tugging on my heart, and I considered the situation before me–here I was, a Christian, sitting across from a woman who may not know Christ. I have her as a captive audience for at least 30 minutes, but instead I’m just sitting there listening to a podcast. That’s when the conviction hit.

As soon as I had the opportunity I shut down my iPod and began engaging the woman in conversation. She told me about her family and her life here in America. Then she asked about me, and I told her I was a Christian, and that I was also a minister. We spent the whole rest of the time getting to know one another.

When I left the salon I had not shared the Gospel with her, but I do not consider my time a failure. Why? Because I plan to go back. I just discovered a new mission field.

It’s hard to present the Gospel in a natural, genuine way when you talk to someone for the first time, which is why we need to be intentional about the people with whom we come into contact. It’s much easier to share your faith with someone in whom you’ve invested time and conversation, and I just laid the first brick of that relational foundation this afternoon. I’m now in a position to build on it.

That said, it’s important that we women recognize the missional opportunities before us and take advantage of them. If you like to get manicures, pick ONE manicure salon, pick one girl to do your nails each time, and then go there regularly. Forge a relationship with her until you get a chance to share the Gospel. Keep going back again and again so that you can invite her to church. Find out if her family has any needs that your church can provide her with. Listen to her if she’s having a bad day. Be her friend.

And if you don’t like getting manicures, there are plenty of other options. Pick one place to get your hair done and work on sharing the Gospel with your hair stylist. If there’s one store at which you like to shop, or one restaurant that you really love, drop in often and get to know the people who work there. I personally like taking my students to a pet store where they let you play with the puppies while you talk and hang out, so I’m trying to get to know one of the girls who works there.

Take a look at your schedule and figure out how you can be more intentional about it. Living missionally does not necessarily mean going overseas–it means living on mission. So find ways to set yourself up for these opportunities. Being a girly girl doesn’t have to mean you’re self-focused–it does mean that God has a special mission designed just for you!

Recently Collide Magazine published an article that considered the question, “Is Christian music dying.” It addressed what some perceive to be a growing irrelevance to the mainstream culture, as well as an increasing tendency among Christian musicians to buck the title of “Christian.” One industry insider went so far as to predict that the industry would eventually collapse altogether.

This article is not surprising. Christian music has been judged and scrutinized by Christians and non-Christians alike for many years. In high school my brother wouldn’t allow me to listen to the Christian radio station when he was in the car because he thought the quality was so unbearable.

So it’s actually become quite trendy to dislike Christian music. Some Christians wear their distaste as a mark of superior theology. It’s too cheesy and superficial for us “sophisticated” Christians to condone.

Yet as much as I would like to join in with this chorus (and I have in the past), something stops me. Yes, a lot of Christian music is cheesy and annoying and pales in comparison to the musical talent we see in the mainstream. But to judge Christian music purely on that basis is to miss the point.

The Christian music industry, and Christian musicians in the secular music industry, serve two very different functions. One reaches the Church, and the other reaches the world. Both are equally important roles, and both are equally Scriptural.

In response to this point, some of you may object, “But Christian music doesn’t minister to me. I’m too distracted by the bad music to hear the message.” Maybe that’s true for you, but it’s certainly not true for everyone. Many Christians enjoy the music intensely–it speaks to them. Just because it doesn’t fit your personal preference doesn’t invalidate the genre, or its mission, altogether.

What’s more, Christian music frequently contains lyrics taken straight from Scripture–I don’t care who you are or how musically brilliant you might be–truth is truth and Scripture is Scripture. It’s going to shape you in a positive way no matter the quality of music.

And that’s what I appreciate about Christian music. When I need a break from the cynical news on talk radio or the self-centered message of secular music, Christian music is a refreshing change. Whatever you listen to most will shape you, and I would prefer that that influence be Christ-centered.

I also happen to like some of the music. I admit it!

Granted, this is no excuse for Christian musicians to become sloppy or uncreative in their work–if anything, God deserves the very best of our innovation. There are certainly ways in which the industry can and must grow. But what I do mean is that we as Christians should have a little more respect for a valid ministry, a ministry that has inspired and encouraged the hearts and souls of countless believers. Not to mention my own.

In closing, I want to offer the final conclusion of the article itself. It’s a prescription for a better music industry, and I find it to be helpful since it challenges the Christian music industry to grow rather than dismiss the industry altogether:

Artists—Innovate, don’t imitate. Yes, every musician is influenced by those who came before, but don’t wear your influences so prominently on your sleeve. Make music that refuses to be pigeonholed as “the Christian White Stripes” or whatever the case may be. Dream about creating music so extraordinary that a mainstream act is known as “the secular you.” View your lyrics as poetry; don’t be content with rhyming clichés and scripture passages. Don’t turn your hooks into platforms for bumper sticker theology. Great artists, regardless of their chosen medium, see the world in unique ways and create art that tells the rest of us about what they see. See the world. Create art.

Labels—Refuse to function as holiness gatekeepers with Jesus-per-minute quotas to meet. Don’t play it safe; take some risks. Don’t be afraid of edgy or outspoken artists; pursue them. Reject formulas; embrace creativity. Don’t produce what you think we want to hear. Develop a vision for the future of Christian expression through music and share it with us. If your function as an industry is to minister, feed, and disciple, why is your product marketed as safe and family-friendly? Find the disconnect and fix it. Don’t rely on promoting an ethos and the nice people who make music for you. Promote good music.

Fans—This is perhaps the simplest of all—support great art. In doing so, you reward the risks taken on the part of artists and labels; furthermore, you are explicitly clear in what you’re looking for from the industry. Then, it’s up to them to respond.

To read the whole article click here.

Last week I wrote about the Newsweek opinion piece on gay marriage, and since that time Al Mohler, President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY, responded to the article on NPR. The interview with Mohler was conducted in a dialogue format between Mohler and Lisa Miller, the author of the article. I am posting it today because it serves as a great example of how we should respond in the face of this debate.

Click here to listen to the interview.

Notice that Mohler is passionate about his points, but he is controlled by truth, not by emotion. He does not attack Miller or even go so far as to belittle her arguments (which would have been easy). Instead, he relates to her as a fellow human being who was created in the image of God, and a fellow human being who struggles with sin no more than he.

And he does all of this confidently yet without arrogance. Mohler is clearly the scholar of the two, but rather than allow his knowledge to feed his pride and dominate his opponent, he stands back and lets the truth defend itself. It was not Mohler’s prerogative to change her mind, but to faithfully transmit the teachings of Scripture. He therefore spoke as a man who did not have such a heavy burden to bear.

Rarely do I hear Christians speak about this issue with both truth and love, so I hope you will listen to this interview and learn from it. He speaks to them in kindness, grace, and understanding, not for the sake of acceptance, but to guard the integrity of the Gospel. I pray that Mohler’s example represents the future of Baptists in America. It would be a welcome and much needed change. It may also mean that we continue to be hated, but only because we’re standing for an uncomfortable truth–not because we’re being jerks about it.

Every Christmas season Hollywood finds a new way to butcher the meaning of Christmas, and this year is no exception. My most current commercial nemesis is brought to us this year by the people at Macy’s. You may have seen it already, but for those of you who haven’t, it goes like this….. 

Did you catch that at the end? Did you notice when Martha Stewart said “it” instead of “he?” I watched it several times just to make sure that’s really what she’s saying, and it is. That’s right, Santa got neutered.

Now I have to admit that I sympathize with what the commercial is saying–what parent hasn’t broken the news to their kids that Santa doesn’t exist by coming up with some story about how Santa is more of a “spirit” or an “idea” that characterizes Christmas. Most people, Christians included, would confess that Santa is real in that sense.

(And for the record, that’s exactly what my parents told me when I learned the painful reality that Santa isn’t real, but it didn’t make me feel better one stinkin’ bit. All I remember is thinking that my parents had been lying to me my whole life. That’s a cautionary tale for you parents out there.)

But I think what bothers me about this commercial is that the person they describe in this commercial isn’t Santa, it’s Christ. Just notice the language they use–Santa is equated with love and generosity, he is the reason for childlike faith, and he lives eternally. That’s Jesus they’re talking about, not some made up fat dude in a red suit.

And that’s what bothers me about this commercial’s attempt at sentimentality. The use of the word “it” is the final nail in the coffin of Christmas time theology. We are completely divorcing all language about Christmas from its actual meaning. Hollywood desires this to be a season of “hope” and “joy” but without any sort of foundation upon which to base those sentiments.

Hope in what? Joy in what? We are a country plagued by war and immorality. Our economy is faltering and people are losing their jobs. From where are we supposed to conjure up this hope and joy? It can’t just appear out of nowhere, and it certainly isn’t going to come from Macy’s. 

That is why it’s imperative that we as Christians hold on to the meaning of Christmas. And not just “in your hearts”–that’s not enough. You need to fight for it in tangible ways. Invite your neighbors and co-workers to church with you on Christmas Eve so that they can hear the Gospel. Ask your non-Christian friends what they think about the Christmas season, or what they teach their kids about it. Think of creative ways to engage people in conversation, because it’s in our faces every day.

And that in-your-face dynamic of Christmas commercialism is the key reason why we need to fight. The predominate teachings about Christmas are coming from Hollywood commercials instead of people who actually know Christ. That’s why we need to speak up and step up. Don’t just get swept up in the Christmas time craziness and let this opportunity pass you by. Use your sphere of influence to fight against the superficial messages about Christmas so that we can reclaim its true meaning, and celebrate the source of our gifts, rather than the gifts themselves. 

Christian reality t.v. is here.

(I know you’re breathing a huge sigh of relief. Finally!)

I discovered this last night when Dateline did a story about it. And I don’t really know why I was surprised. Christian music and media has consistently lagged behind mainstream culture by about 10 to 20 years, so I should have been expecting this. It was about time.

This new trend has come about in response to the trash that we find on most reality shows today. The folks at the Gospel Music Channel decided to provide a better, more edifying alternative, and they now air two shows aimed at that end. One is called “The Uprising” and it’s about a handful of Christian skateboarders who use their influence for the Gospel. The second show is entitled “Revolve: Rockin the Road,” and it follows a touring event for teen girls that features speakers and Christian artists .

(Fun fact: one of the main characters of the second show is Jenna Lucado, daughter of Max Lucado)

To give you a taste of what this new genre is like, here’s a preview for the season finale of Revolve:

Now contrary to what you might expect, I’m not gonna be a hater. Yes, it frustrates me that Christian culture is always behind the mainstream by such a tremendous extent, but that doesn’t mean we should abandon these mediums. They can still be valuable tools for evangelism. In particular, the skateboarders have a platform that not all Christians can access. I want to affirm that.

However, the Dateline feature indirectly highlighted an important point about this trend–it’s just another example of Christians mimicking cultural innovations, and at a horribly delayed timing. We take popular cultural phenomena, and we Christianize them. Which ironically seems to make them worse.

Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with Christianizing music, art, or even television. However this does remind us of one unsettling reality: Christians are consistently downstream of culture.

We should be uncomfortable with this fact, because downstream is not our place. We shouldn’t be following the culture’s lead–the culture should be following ours.

As one professor at Fuller Seminary explained, “We should not be imitating the culture, but leading it. If we’re connected with the Creator God of the Universe, then we should be the MOST innovative and the MOST creative individuals in our culture.” We should be harnessing God’s infinite creativity in a way that causes people to stop, take notice, and be inspired.

But this doesn’t happen, does it? In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Rather than earn respect, Christians have earned mockery, not because we’re taking a stand for the Gospel, but because we offer a sub-par Christian version of everything the culture dreamed up long before. Our engagement of the culture might be great for Christians, but not at all compelling for non-Christians.

But why is that? Two mains reasons:

1. Christians don’t see their jobs and their talents as a calling. A lot of Christians believe that if you’re not a minister, then you don’t have the same kind of divine call on your life. This is a lie. If you’re an investment banker, an interior designer, a publicist, or a secretary, you all have the same call on your life–work for the glory of God.

And this doesn’t simply mean that you should be an ethical person who works hard and sets a good example. It also means that you need to dream up new ways to glorify God with your talents. Take your job to the next level and call on God for the kind of imaginative ideas that would set you apart in your field, for His glory.

2. Christians don’t think. This statement is not universal, but in all belief systems there is a temptation to simply do what you’re told. That is the nature of religion. You listen to what your minister, rabbi, or imam tells you so that you can be a good little religious person.

But such blind obedience does not stimulate creativity. It stifles it. We should not expect to contribute great thinking and ideas to our world if we never ask questions or challenge ourselves in the most important area of our lives. That kind of “bigger picture” mentality begins with your faith, but it should carry over into your work as a result. Don’t just do what your boss tells you–do more, and dream more. This too glorifies God.

Let’s be the trend-setters. Let’s resolve to position ourselves upstream instead of down. Our credibility in this culture is at stake. But don’t hear me as saying that we should judge ourselves according to the world’s wisdom instead of God’s. I’m saying just the opposite. Our problem is that we’re doing the exact same thing as the culture, only worse.

The solution is not to keep up with the culture, but to create categories of innovation that the culture has not even dreamed up yet.

If we ever hope to offer anything more than a Christianized regurgitation of cultural trends and ideas, then we need to rise up in our individual realms of influence and start taking the lead. That begins with you.

I don’t know about you, but if I were to make a list of all the things I’d like to do on the weekends or on vacation, you wouldn’t find “going to the library” near the top. It would instead appear towards the bottom, just above getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist or catching up on my vaccinations.

It’s not that I dislike reading, but if I’m on vacation visiting a new city, that is not the place I’m gonna go first. There are more than enough smelly used books in Durham for that.

But this weekend I went to the most awesome library EVER–the Billy Graham Library. It’s located in Charlotte and I was able to go during the conference this weekend. And while I know it sounds like the most boring, nerdy Christian field trip ever, trust me–it wasn’t.

(Ok, maybe it was a little nerdy Christian, but it was NOT boring!)

Let me give you a little taste…

The beginning of the tour is unabashedly cheesy. It begins with a talking, animatronic cow named Bessie who talks about how Billy Graham grew up on a farm and how much all the cows loved him. She also mentions that cows can praise God too. Good to know.

At this point in the tour, I was a little skeptical–I wondered if I’d wandered into a version of Disney World in which Mickey had been replaced by Billy. But I think that segment was meant to appeal to the kids because the rest of the tour was INCREDIBLE.

I won’t spoil it for you in case you visit, but let just say that I pretty much cried my entire way through the museum. There were videos and displays and testimonies about Billy Graham’s ministry, and it was extremely moving. By the time I came out of it, I sat in a corner and cried my eyes out until a sweet little old man brought me a tissue. It was awesome.

The reason the experience touched me so powerfully is that it confirmed a message that God has been laying on my heart as of late. But let me give you some background…

Recently I’ve felt like I’ve gotten really caught up in the machine of ministry–all I think about is how to market the ministry and how to make people like the ministry once they come and how to grow the ministry and on and on and on. I’m thinking about my ministry all the time, and I feel an invisible pressure to succeed weighing down on me.

But in the last week, I’ve come to realize something–all of those commitments and strategies have ended up eclipsing Christ. It’s not that he’s absent from my ministry, but he has very slowly lost his centrality. I’ve been so focused on doing doing doing that I’ve forgotten just how simple my job is–to point to Christ.

In 1 Corinthians, Paul says that he’s resolved to know nothing except Christ and him crucified. He makes this statement in contrast with the idea that we must puff ourselves up intellectually and theologically. According to Paul, those things only distract, and they certainly don’t make a ministry succeed. The key is to have Christ at the center.

And while I know that this isn’t new information for most of us, my question for you is this: How often do you actually put this concept into practice. When a problem presents itself, what is your very first go-to? When you counsel a friend, do you try to give them wise sounding answers, or do you point them to Christ? If you’re a minister, do you get caught up in all the plans and strategies for making the ministry succeed, or do you simply focus on pointing people to Christ?

The difference, I believe, is whether or not we see Christ, or ourselves, as the answer to the world’s problems. When someone comes to us for help, or if we face an obstacle in our lives, our first instinct is to rely on our own strength, our own wisdom, education, training an knowledge, rather than Christ.

But this idea of always pointing people back to Christ, calling him out by name and immediately pointing people back to him in the midst of our needs–this idea is quite liberating. It takes an ENORMOUS load off of our shoulders because that is one task that I know I can accomplish. I may not preach with eloquence, and my ideas might be lame, but I can certainly tell people about Jesus.

And that’s what Billy Graham’s ministry was all about. Every sermon he gave focused on the person of Christ and making him known. That is one of the reasons his ministry has thrived–he always placed the Gospel front and center of the presentation.

So I’ve decided to carry on that legacy, a legacy that was begun for us by Paul, and has the power to change the world. My education and training is all fine and good, but I want my life’s work to be driven by a resolve to know nothing except Christ, and him crucified. Given that God became man and died on a cross for the forgiveness of our sins, I think I’ll do well if I just stick out my finger and point back to that.

And for those of you who were wondering, the conference went GREAT! Thanks for your prayers!

Have you ever dated someone who was perfect for you on paper, but you just couldn’t make the relationship work? Logically, they had everything that you were looking for in a spouse, but something was missing? You loved everything about them, but you weren’t in love with them? While it made sense in your head, there just wasn’t any chemistry.

Sometimes in the face of these situations, I would find myself telling others about how perfect the person was for me, but I would do so in the hopes of convincing myself. Deep down I knew that something was terribly wrong, but I thought that if I focused on all the things about him that were right and good, that the lack of attraction would simply go away.

This method never lasted very long, and soon the charade became apparent to everyone around me, including myself. In reality, a relationship that only works on paper is really no relationship at all.

Well I think that has happened to my relationship with God. On paper, it’s all there. I know all the right words to say, I pray, I do ministry, I disciple young women, and if you ask me why I believe the Gospel I can tell you without hesitation.

On paper, everything is perfect.

But all those things are starting to fall flat. This week I’ve been confronted with people who could be ostrasized by their families, or even killed, were they to profess faith in Christ. So when given the opportunity to share the Gospel with them, I’ve found myself hesitating. I have all the right answers to their questions and objections. I know the Scripture and apologetics like the back of my hand. So what is stopping me? One haunting question…

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it for these people to lose their families and friends all for the sake of changing to a better religion? Is it worth risking their lives, just to accept a more holistic worldview? On paper, it all makes sense to me. On paper, Christianity is the most logical understanding of humanity, the world, sin and God. But is having a correct worldview really worth the risk I’m asking them to take?

All week, my instincts have been telling me “no.” No it’s not worth risking all that, just to get someone to pray a prayer and believe the logic behind Christianity. It’s not worth taking their lives into their hands simply because someone presented them with a more compelling argument than that presented by Islam, Budhism, or Hinduism. If all we’re about is proposing the best argument, the best way of life, the most convincing worldview, then I can’t sell that to people who could lose everything because of it.

And that is the mindset that results when we reduce our faith to mere words. Logic and apologetics are all good things, but they are not enough to move mountains, let alone hearts. They may be true, but they lack power.

In 1 Corinthians 2:4 Paul writes, “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power.” Without the power of God infusing our hearts and our minds, without authentic and transformational experience of His presence in your life, your relationship with God will be just as exciting as a dating relationship that only works on paper. In your head, it all makes sense, but your heart just isn’t in it.

That is why my heart has been so hesitant to share the Gospel with those for whom it could mean culture alienation. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the power of God in my life in a real, transformational way, so my words fall flat in the face of real risk. And when I did share the Gospel, I felt just like a girl trying to convince herself that her boyfriend is perfect for her, when deep down her heart just isn’t in it.

As soon as I identified this issue in my heart, I started praying for an experience of God’s mighty power. Being the faithful God that He is, I have felt it in an undeniable way. Nothing huge and earth-shattering, at least not yet, but just enough to remember the power behind the words that I speak. Just enough to remind me that it IS worth the risk. That we don’t merely share the Gospel because it makes the most sense, but because it really is GOOD news. It is life and peace and freedom for all who believe. It is unity with God and everlasting life, a life that begins here and now amidst so much death and darkness.

The Gospel is all of those things, but even saying it now will mean nothing to my heart or yours if my words are not infused with the power of God’s Spirit. And that is only something that God can give. That said, we can never spread the Gospel apart from a total dependence upon God. We may know how to turn a phrase or stage an argument, but if we are not experiencing God’s power then we will never convince others, let alone ourselves.

Are you experiencing God’s power right now? Does it light up your heart and mind, and compel you to go tell the world? If not, pray that it does, because we should never be people of mere words. We should also be people of power.

“Irreconcilable differences.”

That seems to be one of the most common reasons for divorce that you hear today. And I really have no idea what it means.

I sometimes wonder if it’s a generic way of categorizing more specific problem, ie. “I want my wife to stop cheating on me but she would prefer not to” or “I want to use our money for food, but my husband wants to use it at the casino.” Those sound like fairly irreconcilable differences to me.

But perhaps the most likely reason for this term is that couples simply get tired of trying. Marriage is hard work, and if you fall out of love with your spouse, or someone better comes along, it no longer seems worth the effort. Little decisions become huge debates, and you can’t seem to agree on anything. At the end of the day, you are just too different to make it work, so you split on the basis of “irreconcilable differences.”

Well science and psychology are now disagreeing with this premise. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is the founder of The Gottman Institute, which has done ground-breaking research into marital relationships and what makes them work. Specifically, Gottman did a study in which he videotaped newlyweds discussing an issue about which they disagreed, and then he tracked the couples over the following years to see which couples stayed together and which ones divorced.

After years had gone by and the fates of the marriages had largely been determined, Gottman went back to the videos and examined the interactions between the couples in an attempt to discover which couples were built to last, and which couples were doomed for destruction. Based on that information, Gottman now feels he is able to predict with considerable accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

And what were the characteristics of a doomed marriage? Gottman observed that in couples who later divorced, there was an element of contempt in their disagreements with one another. While arguing, they would be condescending, they would freeze one another out by refusing to listen to the other, and they would tear one another down with name-calling and insults.

The successful couples, on the other hand, were quite the opposite. Though they still disagreed on things, they were willing to listen and grow from one another. And even more fascinating about their interactions is that for every negative thing they said toward the other, they would counteract it with an average of five positive things.

The successful couples also prevented the argument from escalating. Gottman found that the more a person’s heart rate increased, the less they were able to listen and respond rationally. When the heart rate increased, they were more prone to become defensive and lash out. Couples who were able to be patient and gentle with one another, thereby preventing the argument from escalating, were able to sustain a conversation that was not only respectful, but from which they both could grow.

When this decades long study was all said and done, Gottman came to the following conclusion: a happy couple is not a couple without conflict. According to Gottman, all couples fight. All couples have irreconcilable differences. It’s how you handle those differences that makes or breaks your marriage.

Since Gottman first began his research, he and his wife now offer programs and seminars to help couples work on their marriages, and his teachings have met with tremendous success. Married couples do well to heed his advice–not to mention the fact that he’s merely reinforcing Scripture’s countless commands to guard your tongue, be quick to listen and always loving. After all, love is patient and love is kind, not sarcastic and condescending.

But what about us single folks? What’s the take away message for us? Well even though Gottman’s study relates to marital relationships, his principles are important to apply in almost any situation. Our spouses shouldn’t be the only ones we labor to love well–we should seek to listen and grow from everyone around us. That is a reputation that Christians do not have right now. The way we relate to non-Christians often looks more like the soon-to-be-divorced couple’s interactions–we know that we are right, and we treat people like idiots if they do not agree with us.

So whether or not you are married, we all need to cultivate the art of loving disagreement. This does not mean compromising ourselves, but it does mean that we convey respect and care amidst our irreconcilable differences. When we do this, we increase the likelihood that others will actually listen, and we might learn a thing or two as well.

I have heard it said that Christians never impose their beliefs on others–they simply propose, as a lover to the beloved. If that is our model for evangelism, then the keys to a healthy marriage have implications for us all.

I have decided to reconsider the whole missionary dating strategy….but probably not in the way you’re thinking. Before I explain, however, let me back up a bit…

This weekend I traveled to the remote reaches of Arkansas to participate in my college roommate’s wedding. She’s an incredibly godly woman who works in youth ministry, and her husband is about to start seminary, so it was exciting to see such Christ-centered individuals come together in marriage.

(And for those readers who live in Arkansas–hats off to you! I had my doubts about liking Arkansas, but I actually had a lot of fun! I even got to experience a great taste of Arkansas culture when I attended the “Toad Suck” festival, which isn’t nearly as weird as it sounds. Google it if that piques your curiosity…)

In addition to experiencing Arkansas and spending time with some amazing people, it was a blessing to witness the way in which this couple’s relationship is a witness to those around them. For instance, the Maid of Honor was the bride’s teenage sister, and even though she’s already a Christian, she got to observe the degree to which Christ is the center of my friend’s marriage. We prayed for the bride prior to the ceremony, and the wedding homily was all about Christ as well. So as the bride praised God on the one day that the world tells us to focus on ourselves, her younger sister sat by and watched. What a powerful witness!

Well all of this got me to thinking about my own dating relationships, and what kind of example they’ve provided for those around me. More specifically, my brother is not a Christian, so I have to wonder what he thinks about Christians every time he’s seen one of my relationships crash and burn. He treats his wife way better than most Christian guys have treated me, so what does the Church have to offer him?? When I think of the many messages my dating relationships have conveyed to him about Christianity, I can only cringe.

That said, I have decided to hijack the term “missionary dating” and redefine it in a new way. Rather than thinking of this term as referring to those who date non-Christians in the hope of converting them, I would prefer to think of missionary dating as the state in which both Christians in the relationship date with a mission.

When two Christ-centered individuals enter into a dating relationship with one another, they should function under the reality that their actions have consequences beyond the relationship itself. You are not only affecting your boyfriend or girlfriend, but you are affecting everyone who witnesses the relationship. You are showing everyone around you what it looks like when Christians date, and how that courtship is different from the world. You are demonstrating the way in which brothers and sisters in Christ should relate to one another, and that relationship should demonstrate a love that transcends emotion–it is a love stemming from your unity in Christ.

That said, your relationship can also provide a dangerous witness–you can convey that relationships are all about making yourself happy, using another person to complete you, or taking advantage of another person for your own selfish ends. When we approach relationships this way, we fail to date with a mission, and our witness to friends and family will suffer as a result.

So I encourage you to missionary date. But the key is to find someone who will go on mission with you. If your purpose in dating is ultimately self-serving, then you are no different from any other non-believing person, but if you date with purpose, with vision, with a heart for the world, then your dating relationship has the potential to turn heads and draw people in who desire to experience such a refreshing way of caring for one another. Only date that person who will enable you to be a brighter light in the darkness because we all know that, given the state of society’s relationships today, our culture needs such a beacon of hope.

Brooke and Kevin–thanks for being one of those beacons! I’m praying for you as God moves you onward and upward!