One of the issues Ike and I have struggled with ever since we’ve been together is the question of cross-gender friendships. By “struggle” I don’t mean that we’ve wrestled with jealousy or inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite sex. Instead, we’ve struggled with how to articulate cross-gender friendship in a manner that is both wise, honoring to God, honoring to one another, AND honoring to our friends.

While we can both affirm that certain levels of physical and emotional intimacy between cross-gender friends are both foolish and dishonorable (let me be VERY clear about that) we are also averse to the language of fear that permeates these discussions. We have long sought after an understanding of friendship that more closely reflects the Scriptural language of Christian unity. Given the love that we are called to show one another, a love so radical that the rest of the world will know us by it (John 13:35), we have been increasingly uncomfortable with the position that pits genders against one another as threats. In Christ, we must be more!

With this struggle as a backdrop, I was pleased when a colleague of mine, Enuma Okoro, engaged this topic on Her.meneutics this week. Her post titled “We’re Just Friends. No, Really” detailed the supportive Christian friendship she has with a male friend, Andrew, who also has a girlfriend, Kate. The post incited a tremendous amount of debate, ranging from outright condemnation to unhealthy reinterpretations of her words, extending her points to an extreme that neither Enuma nor I can affirm.

I love Enuma’s writing and her call to reclaim self-discipline as an aspect of Christian relationships is a necessary one. But what particularly grabbed me about this discussion was the eventual comment of her friend, Andrew. Much of his response provided me with the answers I’ve been looking for on this messy issue. Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

“I wonder how ‘friendship’ and ‘freedom’ are not limited by our own Christian calculations of human ‘nature’, but are instead expanded into something even deeper when we enter friendship in and through the life of Jesus? Maybe Jesus came to make us into something different; something new in the midst of our vulnerability and brokenness. Maybe in the risk of friendship, and for Kate and I–the risk of romantic love–we can pray that Jesus would surround us and take us up into his own body, God’s unrelenting love for us, where he casts out our fears.”

“If Jesus is the incarnate God–if Jesus really does promise us life in and with God–then Jesus is also a promise to us that we – just maybe – will become a sign to each other of God’s presence. That is the kind of heavy lifting that Jesus does for us in our relationships, I hope, before we step into each other’s lives at all.”

“Regular time alone is not part of my friendship with Enuma. This decision is not based on fear of the ‘what ifs’ – and certainly does not rest on any ‘Doctrine of Inevitability’. Even though I think Jesus does transform us–makes us free–I don’t think Jesus wants to take away our limits. I think he wants to live there with us, and show us that our limits are good. We only have so much life to give, and so my limits demand me to make priorities for how and to whom my emotions are given, where intimacy is fostered–which I think is partly why we make different commitments, different covenants with each other. I have freely committed to give my deepest commitment among all my relationships to Kate, even though I know I will fail her at times. That means, in one way, that I have to cut back on the amount of time–and the kinds of time–I can give to others. But, in another way, in the context of our mutual love and commitment, Kate and I have hoped for the ways in which our relationship will actually open us up to love others, to be friend to others, even better. Whatever gifts we receive through our relationship that transforms us into more faithful people, we hope to share them, knowing there will be times when we will need/want those gifts of friendship from others.”

“All that to say, we do believe that following Jesus does mean different kinds of covenants with different kinds of people—and at the same time we think following Jesus means Jesus is Lord over those covenants—and he is Lord over long-held ideas that can turn into tools of control that stop trusting in Jesus.”

Oh there is so much truth in there! And it is all about the power of Jesus!!! Our language about friendship is so often dictated by the “Doctrine of Inevitability” that Andrew names, rather than being guided by self-control, generosity, self-giving love, and courage. I also appreciate his articulation of cross-gender relationships as a different type of “covenant,” as opposed to a boundary determined by danger. In doing so, he holds onto the obligation that we hold toward everyone in our Christian community.

1 John 4:18 tells us that perfect love casts out fear. Now, that is not an “anything goes” kind of statement; we still live in a broken world. What this verse does communicate, however, is that sin and fear are no longer the final determination of our actions. Only Christ’s victory over sin is the ultimate determiner of our lives.

In an overly sexualized culture that consistently objectifies women, the manner in which Christian brothers and sisters love one another is an opportunity to stand out, which is why it is essential that we discard the worldly obsession with sex that has all but defined cross-gender friendships (When Harry Met Sally, anyone?). Yes, be wise–YES!–but exercise Christian wisdom. That is to say, be wise in a manner that is both cognizant of sin in the world, but is also an outworking of the radical love of Jesus Christ. Our friendships are meant to look different, and that begins with how we view, and how we love, one another.

Today I read an article that made me very sad. It was written by a woman whom I respect, though we disagree on some things. This particular article (about which I will not disclose any more details than what I have here) arrived at some conclusions that I do not share, but what disappointed me was the author’s tone. It was not loving toward other women. Going beyond disagreement, she was sarcastic and condescending. Rather than respectfully disagreeing, this usually mature woman in Christ chose to belittle women who take a different position than hers.

That behavior is wrong. It is not Christlike, and as women of the church we need to be better than that.

Whenever women back-bite in the name of theological or ideological difference, Satan wins a small victory. While our own sense of self-righteousness often justifies this behavior in our minds, mud-slinging and ridicule are always unfitting for the church. Throughout history, tremendous destruction has resulted from rifts between women, so we need to take this problem very seriously.

It wasn’t until I recently researched the Biblical examples of female friendship that I realized just how serious this issue is. Last week I spoke at the Fall Kickoff Event for the women’s ministry at my church, and I talked about the dynamics of female friendship. In particular, I examined the two types of female relationships that we see in the Bible: A competitive model of friendship, and a Christ-centered model of friendship. For the Christ-centered model I looked at Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1), Mary and Elizabeth (Luke 1), and the women at the cross and resurrection (Matthew 27-28). Each of these female friendships is so encouraging to me, and a powerful example of the legacy we women step into. These Biblical women maximized their relationships for the Kingdom of God in bold and valiant ways.

On the flip side, Scripture also presents us with a competitive model of friendship. The relationships between Sarai and Hagar (Gen. 16), Rachel and Leah (Gen. 30), and Euodia and Syntyche (Phil. 4) all unraveled due to jealousy and competition. And as a result, each competitive model of friendship had disastrous consequences.

For instance, Rachel and Leah were sisters. Both were struggling with real issues–Rachel with infertility, and Leah with a loveless marriage. But rather than support one another through genuinely difficult problems, they opposed one another. They competed for the attention of Jacob, and became further entrenched in their own selfisheness.

In the case of Euodia and Syntyche, two leaders in the Philippian church, their fighting threatened to undermine the entire unity of the church. We don’t know the source of the problem, but we do know it had the potential to cause major division.

And finally, consider the repercussions of Sarai’s actions toward Hagar. This particular relationship is not a traditional friendship in the sense that there was a power difference between. What’s more, Sarai was obviously the transgressor. Even so, this female relationship was rife with jealousy, and we continue to feel the ripple effects of Sarai’s actions even today. The Islamic religion traces its roots back to Hagar’s son, Ishmael, and when you consider how much war and violence has transpired between Islam and the Judeo-Christian faiths, the negative consequences of one sour female relationship are inestimable.

As we look at the three Christ-centered models of friendship, we see many wonderful fruits: encouragement, perseverance, faithfulness, courage, intimacy with one another, and intimacy with God. Ruth became an ancestor of Christ, Mary was the mother of Christ, and the women at the cross and resurrection became the original evangelists, the first people to share the Good News of Christ while the disciples were still hiding in fear.

On the other hand, the three competitive models of female relationships also have fruits: selfishness, division, and destruction.

As I compared the fruits of these two models, I was struck by the distinction. The fruits of the former model are consistent with the character of Christ. The fruits of the latter model are consistent with the character of his Enemy.

The female relationships we see in Scripture are an important reminder that female conflict is not neutral. Our petty in-fighting and name-calling is not a failure to achieve an ideal; it is tangibly destructive. God can use the love and encouragement and passion of female friendships to do incredible things in the Kingdom of God, but Satan can just as easily pervert female friendship to wreak havoc.

Knowing this, I want you to pause and weigh the cost the next time you speak negatively about a sister. Consider why you are doing it, whether it is consistent with the character of Christ, whether it is loving, and whether it will build up the church or divide it. Our relationships have POWER, so we cannot take them lightly. There is something about the female heart that seems especially prone to attack women with whom we disagree or feel jealous, and that is nothing but sin. Plain and simple. We can disagree, most certainly, but watch carefully how you do it. God is not glorified by the ugliness of pot-shots and gossip, but Satan revels in it.

This weekend my church had a guest preacher named Dr. Dan Allender, a psychologist, who spoke on the topic of intimacy. He preached out of Genesis 1-3 and raised an issue that I had NEVER before considered. In Genesis 3 we read about God’s curse upon Adam and Eve as a result of their sin, a curse that we continue to experience today. For women in particular, our plight is spelled out in verse 16:

To the woman he said,“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

I’ve read this verse many times before, so none of it was news to me. That is, until Dr. Allender made the following comment in regard to the pain of childbearing. He said, “Women cannot avoid this curse simply by not having children.”

Dr. Allender’s words revealed a tremendous deficiency in my prior reading of the curse upon women. My assumption of its scope had been far too small. Whenever I considered the pain of childbearing, my mind immediately flashed forward to the delivery room where I would be in massive pain for a day, and then it would be over. End of story. The second part of the curse, I chalked up to the occasional difficulty in marriage.

But what if I hadn’t gotten married? And what if I can’t have biological children? Does that mean the curse doesn’t apply to me? Are only married women and mothers especially cursed?

Clearly not. The effects of the Fall are cosmic in nature–nothing is left untouched or unbroken. So when the Bible talks about the “curse,” it is not so much an arbitrarily designated punishment in two areas of a woman’s life, but instead a description of the all-encompassing brokenness of her life and relationships.

But how does the curse relate to women who aren’t married and don’t have children? Here, Dr. Allender pointed to the reality that women experience pain and hardship whenever they give birth to new relationships, whether it is a mother-child relationship, or simply a friendship. For women, relationships are both our greatest source of strength as well as our greatest source of agony. Broken relationships with parents, children, spouses, or trusted friends can wound us in ways that we almost never recover from. That is not to say that men are not wounded by their friends or family members, but when I look at my life in comparison with my husband’s, there is a thematic difference between the two of us. For me, the pain of wounded relationships has a recurring role.

Similarly, the broken male-female relationship described by the second part of the curse is not limited to marriage. It can play out in dating relationships, friendships, or even in families. Any time a woman looks to a man for wholeness in an idolatrous way, and any time a man dominates a woman in an oppressive or violent manner, it is a mark of the curse.

Why does this matter? Why bother harping on the curse? First, because it gives a name to the common turmoil of female relationships. From the time we were little girls, our relationships have been under the curse. Rather than feel isolated by or enslaved to those broken relationships, we can be empowered by the knowledge of our common condition.

But more importantly, the whole span of the Bible is the story of God’s undoing of the curse. And we are a part of that story. As daughters of God we are called to serve as agents of redemption in a world plagued by the curse of Genesis 3. Its reversal is ultimately accomplished by Christ, but we still get to be a part of the overturn. Our lives are signposts of hope directing people toward God’s good and perfect future. No matter our life circumstances we are all under the curse, but as Christians we are all part of its redemption as well. Our relationships may test us by targeting our greatest vulnerabilities, but they’re also the destination for our mission of hope in this world.

On Friday I was having the WORST day! It seemed like everything that could have gone wrong did, and I was in a terrible mood. Poor Ike had to deal with an impenetrable wall of grumpiness. I was SO ILL. Oooh it was bad.

Fortunately, I had plans that night. It was my first “girls night” since I’ve moved to the area. And boy was the timing PERFECT! We got dressed up, went to a cute little downtown area in a local village, ate Thai and talked the night away. By the end of the evening all my grumpiness had melted away and I felt like myself again. That sweet fellowship with my girl friends was just what the doctor ordered.

Later that night as I thanked God for the gift of friendship, I remembered a blog I wrote a couple years ago called “Too Good for Girl Time?“.  Female friendship is such a blessing and a valuable resource for Christian women–one that is too often underestimated. With that in mind, I decided to repost an excerpt from that blog that I refer to in ministry all the time. It examines the top two reasons that women should have consistent, intentional fellowship with other women. As you will see from the excerpt below, women sincerely need other women in their lives. Even on a biological level, it’s clear that God designed us this way!

1. Girl Time is Good For Your Health–Studies have shown that spending time with other women has positive biological effects on your body. God desires that we take care of ourselves, and the women around us, and girl time is a crucial part of that equation. One article explains:

When women are stressed, the hormone oxytocin [known as the "love" hormone] is released as part of the stress response; it buffers the typically male “fight or flight” stress response. Oxytocin production encourages women to gather and gab with other women–and when a woman does bond with her pals, studies indicate she’ll release more oxytocin, which further alleviates stress and creates tranquility.

That’s the good news about female bonding: When we talk to each other, we feel better-at least temporarily. But there’s a bigger picture effect at work. What often occurs in conversation between women, especially under stress, is commiserating. Haven’t you noticed that when you have men, motherhood, or career problems, you tend to gravitate toward friends who have the same kinds of challenges?…Friends who praise and appreciate life together get closer to each other and soar higher in their personal and professional lives. (For whole article click here)

2. Girl Time is a Scriptural Mandate–Ok, so maybe there’s no verse in 2 Chronicles that specifically commands women to spend time together (although Titus 2 comes pretty close!). But what is mandated by Scripture is fellowship. I’m not sure why we’ve come to think of having fun with other Christians as a lesser spiritual practice, but given that Jesus’ final words to his disciples were delivered in the context of a group meal, we can surmise that fellowship is pretty important.

That said, going bowling, going out to dinner, hanging out at a friend’s apartment–all of these activities are valuable forms of Christian fellowship. We may not be explicitly talking about Christ, but the way in which we listen to one another, build one another up, and create an environment of trust has the fingerprints of Christ all over it. The Body of Christ is a refuge of safety and strength, but we’re also allowed to have fun in the process!

If you’ve ever wondered why women gravitate to women’s ministry events en masse and love spending the day just being together, I hope the above thoughts shed some light on the topic. As a general rule, women are relational beings and we will naturally be inclined to fellowship with other women when we have the chance. And given that the church is designed as a body, our inclination toward community is actually a God-given strength. Isn’t God amazing that He could use something for His glory and work that we LOVE so much?!

“If man knows himself to be free and desires to use his freedom, then his activity is play.”

–Jean-Paul Sartre

This week in class I’ve been learning about the theology of play. I’d never heard of this term before, and it honestly struck me as a strange topic. What do theology and playing (ie. doing what you enjoy) have to do with one another? Well apparently a number of theologians feel that when we are at play–that is, when we are free to express ourselves in ways that are pleasurable to us, whether it is work or yoga–we are most ourselves. Playing creates a space for us to be our true selves–who God created us to be.

To understand how play gives us that freedom, just think about children at an elementary school. When they’re in class they are constantly subjected to rules that they probably wouldn’t choose for themselves. They have to obey, they have to perform well on tests, they have to be called on in order to speak, etc. But when you let those kids go free on the playground, their true selves are able to shine. They run around, jump, yell, laugh and engage their classmates. You see the purest picture of who they are without the boundaries or influences that compel them to conform to a set standard.

While this analogy is not a perfect one (small children are actually still being formed into their true selves, and discipline is an important part of that), it still gives us an idea of why play is important for adults. When we are free from the pressures and influence of the culture around us, when we break free from the burden to perform or prove ourselves, when we cease striving and rest in the simple act of enjoying God, His children and His Creation–that is when we are most ourselves, our true selves. That is “godly play.”

Play defined this way is less about a particular activity and is more of a disposition. You are either free in Christ and your life is an expression of your true self as He created you to be, or you are a slave to the world and its standards.

Now if you’re like me, you’re wondering WHAT IN THE WORLD does this have to do with anything? The reason this whole concept interests me is that some theologians believe that we NEED  ”godly play” in order to grow spiritually. I know that sounds like such a weird idea, but it’s growing on me. Here’s why:

1. Godly Play is the Antidote to Religious Works: Throughout the New Testament the Christian faith is constantly contrasted with works-based  righteousness. It’s not that labor, in and of itself, is bad. But too often we seek our value and meaning from what we do or produce. That kind of work, in which we are conforming to a worldly standard that measures us in superficial ways, will also make us least ourselves. Rather than focus on who God wants us to be, we are focusing on who others want us to be. This kind of mentality stifles spiritual growth.

But if you can find a way to do go about the daily grind as “for the Lord, not for men,” (Col 3:23) then every activity is an opportunity to simply worship and commune with God. You don’t have to worry about climbing the corporate ladder or stress about being a perfect mom because you’re already complete in Christ. Your posture towards these various activities can be one of freedom instead of bondage, one of joy instead of tedium. And when you are actively living out your identity in Christ through “godly play,” you are simultaneously growing in Him.

2. Godly Play Delivers Us From Artificial Discipleship: Have you ever sat across a table from a young woman who wanted to be mentored or discipled, struggling to come up with conversation and feeling like the relationship was totally inauthentic? Even for women who love to gab, it can be hard to create relationships out of thin air with women we have just met. When you’re sitting there staring at each other, there’s a lot of pressure to sound godly and to feel like you really connected on some deep emotional level. When discipleship is done this way, it really seems more like work.

The next time you find yourself in that situation, ditch the coffee date and go to the mall, or the park, or the pet store (the ones where you can play with the puppies!). Play tennis or go on a run together. Figure out an activity that the two of you both enjoy and then go do that. It is AMAZING how much more easily conversation flows when you break out of the bonds of strict expectations about Christian discipleship and simply play. When you are both having fun and you’re more yourselves, you create the perfect atmosphere for friendship to grow.

So that is your basic introduction to the theology of play. I think the thing I love most about this idea is what it implies about God. As the Westminster Catechism states, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” Contrary to popular opinion, Christianity is not about rules but is actually about joy and goodness. That is not to say that anything goes as long as you’re having fun, but that God is the ultimate Creator of fun. The closer we get to Him, the more we’ll understand what real joy is, and I am quite sure our worldly ideas of entertainment will pale in comparison.

I know you’re probably wondering what in the world this post is about! I promise this isn’t about some DaVinci Code-esque conspiracy theory that Jesus was actually a woman, but before I explain what I mean by “female Jesus,” let me back up a bit.

Last night I was talking with some women who serve as women’s ministers in other parts of the country. We were discussing the fact that, throughout our service as leaders, we are always in the position of discipling other women but rarely in the position of being discipled. When you’re THE woman in charge, most people either think you’ve got your stuff together so you don’t need someone to pour into you, or no one feels adequate for the job. As a result, you’re left with this constant void that you yearn to be filled by an older female friend. And this deep heart cry for discipleship isn’t limited to women in leadership. Most women I know desire to have an older woman who will reach out and mentor them. That seems to be a constant unmet need among women in churches.

However, I have to admit that there is a great irony in my personal desire for a mentor. You see, throughout various seasons of my life there have actually been numerous godly women who counseled and encouraged me, not the least of which is my own mom. While there hasn’t been one, single woman who’s been my spiritual mentor throughout the course of my Christian walk, there have been many women along the way who took the time to listen to me, encourage me, and give me godly direction when I needed it.

Why then, does the yearning persist?

The answer to this question became apparent when I examined my expectations of what this “ultimate mentor” would look like: She would be considerably older, wise and insightful, honest yet gentle, and she would always know the right thing to say. She would be able to see right through my motives and my actions to what is really going on. She would always know the right verse for a difficult situation, and she would get me. She would have the right answer and the most inspirational insight for every challenge I face. And finally, I would feel totally at home with her, like I could be myself and feel completely safe with her.

The thing is, I’ve never met a woman like that. In fact, I’m not sure a woman like that even exists. Which led me to a personal epiphany about this whole discipleship predicament: When I really think about it, I don’t want a female mentor; I want a female Jesus.

I say this because my standards for a mentor are impossibly high. What I want in a female mentor is essentially Jesus in the flesh, comforting me and giving me the clarity I need for tough decisions in life…but in female form.

Maybe this sounds totally off the wall to you, and maybe you have completely normal expectations of a spiritual discipler, but I suspect that unrealistic standard is why so many women feel dissatisfied in this area. I suspect it’s one of the reasons we are easily disappointed with the women who do offer to pour into us. We’re so pre-occupied with yearning for the “perfect” mentor who focuses solely on us and is this tremendous spiritual mind that we don’t recognize the amazing women around us who are helping to fill that job. (Again, I may only be preaching to myself on this and you may have really normal expectations of discipleship, but this is just where I’m coming from)

When you think about it, the one-to-one discipleship model is not a model we get from Jesus. His model was 12 to 1. Of course he was Jesus so he could handle that many disciples without breaking a sweat, but even so, I think we need to be a little more flexible when it comes to the requirement of having ONE woman who is going to focus only on pouring into us. If you’ve found a female friend who can fill that role in your life, it is indeed a gift and I am not at all discouraging those one-on-one, Paul and Timothy relationships. In fact, I encourage you to be proactive in asking a woman to disciple you if you feel that need. But it’s not the only way to do discipleship.

When Jesus departed from this earth he left us with the church, his “body,” and it is through our relationship with Christ’s Body of followers that we grow in discipleship. Different members in the church community present us with different aspects of Jesus at different times. Some women will comfort you. Some women have the gift of wisdom. Some women will just go out and have fun with you. And when you add up all the gifts that these different women bring to the table, you draw nearer to a complete vision of the character of Christ. No woman has all those attributes, because God didn’t set it up that way.

So all of that to say, one-on-one discipleship is a great, Scriptural concept and it can be a tremendous blessing when done well, but what is more important is that you have a group of women around you who can love and support you with their various gifts, speaking truth into your life when you need it. That yearning for a “female Jesus” type mentor who does it all and always knows the right thing to say is more easily fulfilled by a church of women, not just one. And let that also be a comfort to those of you out there who are thinking about pouring into younger women. You do not have to be a female Jesus who always knows just what to say and has your life all together. The young women in your church already have a Savior, but they need you to help them follow him, share your experience with them, and encourage them with your gifts. You not only have a role in discipleship, but you are designed to be a functioning part of the Body of Christ.

I recently heard a story about some seminary professors who were discussing whether it is appropriate to hug students. One male professor felt it was perfectly fine for the faculty to hug their adult students, in response to which another professor asked, “What if it’s a pretty girl?” The first professor promptly replied, “Pretty girls need hugs too!”

I share this story today because it raises an important issue that I have occasionally discussed on this blog: How should married people relate to others of the opposite sex? As I have said before, I completely agree with married couples who place boundaries on their marriages. There is wisdom in that decision, and my husband and I make a practice of it ourselves. In a culture where lasting marriages are becoming the exception, we need to fight back. Boundaries are a strategy to that end.

I do not, however, see this as a plainly black and white issue. There are some men, for instance, who take a DEFCON approach to women, assuming a constant state of readiness and defense.  As a result of this posture, men sometimes respond to other women with a surprising callousness. In fact, I’ve met numerous female seminary students who, upon trying to engage a male classmate in friendly conversation, were quickly cut off with the words, “I’m married.”

That is not wisdom. That is fear. Stories like that raise a red flag that we have strayed from the realm of godly discernment into a realm defined by fear. When men are so terrified of the “threat” posed by single women that they cannot even engage them as colleagues in a professional environment or public place, then our relationships are no longer marked by the confidence, peace or trust we are meant to have in Christ.

In addition to the fact that these rules are often fear-based (and thus dangerously close to legalism), this behavior also fails to serve wounded women the way the church should. Evangelicalism frequently bemoans the number of broken marriages and absent fathers in the American family, but how are we caring for the wounded daughters that this epidemic has produced? How are Christian men filling this gap by caring for their sisters in Christ? Sadly, these questions sometimes go unanswered. Rather than contributing to healing, Christian men and women can create even greater woundedness by treating single women as if they have the plague.

Let me conclude with one final caution. In addition to being unfair, one might also consider it a little naive to see single women as the greatest threat to your marriage. Married men may assume that if a woman is married, she is somehow “safer” than a single woman, but my personal experience is quite the opposite. I know a good number of married women who have strayed outside their marriages, but I don’t know any Christian singles who would ever consider a married man. They are only interested in other single men. Instead, couples that are friends with other couples can pose the greatest temptations to a marriage, perhaps because their guard is down. It  therefore saddens me that single women, who already feel vulnerable and somewhat isolated, receive the brunt of this over-compensation.

Again, I am not advocating for a complete and total absence of boundaries. My husband and I have our own boundaries, beginning with open, honest, and constant communication. But it is also important that we have a hospitable marriage, that our marriage is a source of healing and life for those around us, not greater brokenness.

So as we think through what it means to guard our marriages in an age of rampant infidelity and divorce, yet also foster communities of healing and whole relationships in which women are not feared as threats but are instead treated as sisters in Christ, I thought I would close with some insightful verses from 1 John. In particular, I encourage men (especially those seeking to pastor churches that will be populated by women) to bear these verses in mind as you seek to love the women in your life. This also places a burden on those of us who are wives to encourage our husbands toward gentleness and a hospitable spirit, which not only requires the same practices of us, but a degree of trust and confidence in Christ  as well.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

- John 4:18-19

This week has been the first since our move that I have experienced real, aching homesickness. Until now I thought I had successfully dodged it–Ike and I have been having a lot of fun and we’ve stayed very active! The northern suburbs of Chicago are just gorgeous with lots of lakeside parks to explore, and with Chicago practically in our backyard we’ve had a lot of adventures there as well. Plus, we have a great apartment, great location, and everyone here has been super nice. What is there to miss?

The only analogy that I can think to describe this past week is that it’s been like the end of a wonderful summer at camp: You had a blast, made lots of great friends, and memories that will last forever….but now you’re ready to go home. That’s how I feel right now–I had a great time…but now I’m ready to go home.

Except I can’t.

As a result of this realization, the past few days have been tinged with a subtle melancholy that isn’t outright depression, but is clearly taking the skip out of my step. I really miss my family and my friends. I want to have a conversation with someone who has known me for more than a few weeks. I want to be back in my church community.

Last night I hit my lowest low and sat with Ike as I cried it out. Afterwards I decided to open my Bible and see what comfort I could find. I looked up the word “home” in my concordance, and it directed me to Psalm 84, wonderfully familiar words:

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!

My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere.

Psalm 84:1-4, 10a

This psalm was exactly what I needed. It reminded me of two very important things as I process this time:

1. Your church home offers a sweet taste of your Heavenly home to come.

As long as we live on earth, Christians are “resident aliens,” so to speak. We do not belong here. This is not our home. Fortunately, God has provided us with His church, the Body of Christ, which is a shadow of our eternal home. Within the Church we are not strangers; we are members. Within the Church we are not seen as fools but as wise. Within the Church we find friends who love us in a manner that reflects God’s love for us. It is the closest thing to our Heavenly home that we will experience on earth.

And when you are absent from sweet community such as this, you yearn to experience it again. The church is where the Christian belongs. That is how God designed us to be.

However….

2. The church is only a signpost pointing to your Eternal home.

In other words, the longing I feel for my earthly church home should not distract me from my true and perfect heavenly home with God. The friendship and love I experience is a good gift from God to be greatly cherished, but it should not replace my relationship with Him. So as much as I cherish my friends and family, they are but the rays of the sun.

This week as I sense a deep yearning to be home, Psalm 84 has reminded me to look up instead of back. That ache I feel will one day be fully and totally satisfied by my Father in Heaven. So as much as I miss my home in North Carolina and will rejoice to be back there, God is already using this new challenge to draw me closer to Him. And when I think about it that way, it excites me to think about what other blessings and insights He has ahead!

In the mean time, to all my friends back home–I truly can’t wait to come home and see you! And to my God, I truly can’t wait to come home and see you.

As someone who feels particularly called to women’s ministry, I am a little ashamed to admit that during my years as an adult I have had a number of catastrophic fallings out with friends. Despite my belief that this behavior was supposed to have ended in high school, some of my biggest blow-ups have occurred since graduating college.

After every one of those fights I was sure we would never be friends again! Forgiveness was one thing, but friendship? Never! That is why I was surprised when I recently realized that every single one of these friendships has been reconciled. That is not to say that we’re now BFF’s, and none of these reconciliations happened in a dramatic or super-intentional way. Yet over time, slowly and gently, God worked behind the scenes to heal my heart and heal the relationship.

A few of these friends never even knew that there was ever brokenness between us. At least not to the extent I felt it. I had nursed a secret bitterness toward them because of actions that I thought were aimed at hurting me, even though I can never really be sure that they were. Amazingly, God changed my heart and I consider some of them to be among my closest friends today!

These series of events therefore raise an important question for us as Christians: How are we to respond when a friendship ends? Do we simply go our separate ways, avoid them at church or school, and move on with our lives? There used to be a part of me that was ok with this response. As long as you had forgiven the person, everything else seemed extra and unnecessary.

However I have since reconsidered this position, and my primary reason is this: Our witness as the church is at stake. In John 13:34-35 Jesus exhorts the disciples, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Put another way, our identity as the people of God is to be marked by a radical love that is unlike anything the world has seen. It is to be different. It is to be illogical. It is to be shocking.

That said, when a friend hurts or betrays us, we are to respond in a way that is definitively different from the world’s response. We do more than forgive. We embrace. And in so doing, we testify to the redeeming power of our God. We show the world that our talk of God as a healer is not just lip-service but a reality. Our love for one another makes the unconditional love of God more believable to the world. Through us, they get a taste of a love they never thought possible.

What does this mean practically speaking? Well it doesn’t mean you cover over the offense, and I don’t even think it means that reconciliation must occur immediately. The last thing God wants is a superficial obedience without a heart change. Nor does it mean we must return to being as close to the person as we used to be. What Jesus’ words do require is an openness toward reconciliation, whenever that time comes. It could take years, but it won’t happen at all if you’re not open to it.

One of the ways that God helped me to forgive and reconcile with friends was to realize their own brokenness. Whenever someone hurts me, I feel like I am the victim and they are the one in power, using their power to injure me. However God softened my heart and turned this perspective on its head by helping me to see the ways in which these former friends suffer and struggle in life. In fact, it was those very insecurities or wounds that often caused them to treat me the way that they did. By leveling the playing field and remembering that we’re all broken humans clumsily trying to follow Christ, God helped me to see these ex-friends the way He does: Sinners desperately in need of grace. It didn’t happen over night, but it happened.

That is why I encourage you to open your heart to the friends you want to forget. No matter how great the sin against you, consider how you can exemplify Jesus’ words in John 13. I’m not going to prescribe what steps you should take or what that reconciliation looks like–every situation is different. Simply let Jesus’ words be true of your life. Do you love in a way that is shocking, radical, and irrational to the world around you? How might God be softening your heart to love that person again? How might He be changing the way you see them, or giving you an opportunity to reach out and change the ending?

This week I spoke at the Women’s Bible study on Philippians 4:1-9 (Audio at the bottom). This passage has an interesting beginning to it because Paul starts by admonishing two female leaders in the church. He never specifies what the problem was, but he encourages them to be of one mind and to live together in harmony.

When I first encountered this passage, I was a little frustrated. I mean, women already have the reputation for being catty. Do we really need a Scriptural passage to reinforce it? To be fair, we really have no idea what was going on between these two women–they could have had a genuine disagreement over how to disperse the church’s resources, and their feelings got hurt along the way. No claws necessarily came out. But even so, it caused me to stop and ponder why it is that women are so darn competitive.

I talked about this some in my message this week, but I wanted to highlight a few tidbits from it because I found this information to be so fascinating:

• More than 90 percent of women of different social strata claim that envy and jealously toward other women colors their lives
• 80 percent of women say they have encountered jealousy in other females since they were in grade school
• 90 percent of women in diverse jobs report that competition in the workplace is primarily between women, rather than between women and men
• More than 65% said that they were jealous of their best friend or sister

I found these statistics in a book entitled Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth about Women and Rivalry by Susan Shapiro Barash. Barash is not a Christian author, but she’s written a lot about female relationships. In this particular book, she included an explanation for female competitiveness that I found to be very insightful. She wrote:

“Our definition of ourselves is bound up in our perception of other women. We see ourselves through comparisons with our mother, our sisters, our friends, and our colleagues. For a whole host of reasons, we have a hard time seeing ourselves as separate individuals with destinies of our own. Instead, we view our identities as a kind of zero-sum game: We succeed where our mothers fail; we gain what other women lose. We can’t envision succeeding or failing on our own terms; we can only measure ourselves against other females. So first we envy the powerful women we see in the media, and then we symbolically triumph over them as they crash and burn.”

In other words, competition between women ultimately stems from finding our identities in something other than Christ. Namely, we are measuring ourselves against one another and against some vague, cultural conception of what “the perfect woman, wife and mother” looks like. Before the Fall, we were free to enjoy relationships, but ever since then we’ve been using relationships for our own broken purposes.

Barash’s comments were revelatory to me. Women do often function in a zero-sum game mentality, as if there can only be one winner. We have a scarcity complex, as if there’s not enough of God’s goodness and blessing to go around, so we need to fight for it.

That is why, in the face of our “threatening” sisters, we need to remember two things:

1. God’s love and grace are infinitely abundant. He will never run out of good, unique plans for His children. We don’t have to feel as if one women’s triumph is at the cost of every other woman around her.

2. God has a different plan for each of us. I like what Barash said about individual destinies. Rather than try to conform our lives to some pre-determined cultural mold, and subsequently feel like a failure when some part of your life does not, focus on the plan God has for you. then you won’t be stuck comparing yourself to others to see how you’re doing.

Some interesting things to think about. But the main thing to remember is that in a culture where women are so highly competitive, this is an area in which we can easily stand out. The first step in doing this is acknowledging that we women are competitive and understanding why: That is, we’re sinners in need of the peace and security of life in Christ.