Theology for Women

I published this post a little over a year ago, but it was one of my most popular entries and I continue to hear about it today, so I thought I’d post it again for those of you who missed it. This goes out to all you single gals out there–don’t settle! Even in your friendships.

I am blessed to have a friend in my life who is not inhibited by social graces like tact. If I ever need an opinion, I can depend on him to speak hard truth into my life, generally in the most blunt form possible. Fortunately, he is almost always dead-on in his observations, which is why I go back to him again and again, regardless of the form in which his wisdom is dispensed.

For example, he recently introduced me to a term that I have since found to be both descriptive and extremely accurate. The term is “girlfriend place-holder.”

According to my friend, a lot of guys will have a female friend in their life that functions as a girlfriend in virtually every way–they talk a lot, spend a great deal of one-on-one time together, even go on pseudo-dates and act flirtatious. For all intents and purposes it would seem that the guy is interested, yet he never actually wants to commit. In fact, he never even broaches the topic of dating.

Why? Because, as my friend describes it, this girl is serving as a “girlfriend place-holder.” Though probably doing so unintentionally, some guys will keep a female friend around to hold the place of a girlfriend. In a sense, they are filling their time until they meet the girl they *really* want to date.

As my friend explained it, we all want companionship in some form or another, so even if we haven’t met Mr. or Mrs. Right just yet, many of us will find someone to meet those desires until the “real thing” comes along. And guys aren’t the only ones guilty of doing this. Girls do it just as much. Ladies, I’m sure you can think back to someone in your past, if not someone RIGHT NOW, who is serving as a boyfriend place-holder for you. He’s great because he’ll pay for things when you go out, and he’s always available if you’re bored, but you have absolutely no intention of dating him.

What is interesting about this form of guy-girl relationship is that it is deceptively intimate. Unlike blatant serial flirting in which you can easily spot the players you need to avoid, place-holding seems more real and more deep. After all, it is based upon an actual friendship, so there is more to it than simply having fun.

And that is what often keeps the “place-holders” hanging on so long–because there is depth to the relationship, they hold out hope that sooner or later the guy or girl will snap out of it: “One of these days he’s going to wake up and realize what a good thing he has right in front of him.” That sort of thing. In this way, these relationships can actually result in far greater emotional damage than shallower versions of its kind. Place-holders will more easily open up and make themselves vulnerable since they feel they can trust the other person.

This ultimately leaves the “place-holder” feeling confused and hurt, and sometimes devastated. I have a number of girl friends right now who are in this exact situation. They have a close guy friend that they spend a great deal of time with, but he just won’t commit. In fact, he won’t even bring up any sort of conversation relating to the romantic nature of their relationship. Perhaps the guy is simply afraid of commitment, but in many cases, as my guy friend explains it, these guys have no intention of dating at all. They are unintentionally using these young women as girlfriend place-holders.

Now I think it’s pretty obvious that this kind of relationship is not honoring to the “place-holder” involved, so if you can think of someone in your life who plays that role, then you should seriously consider cutting it off. Even if you are both using each other, and neither person necessarily has the upper hand, you are still not treating them as the brother and sister in Christ that they are. And more importantly, if you think a guy or girl might be treating YOU as a place-holder, then get out of that relationship, and fast! That is NOT how God intended you to be treated–you are to be loved and desired extravagantly, so anyone who makes you feel inadequate or unworthy of love is falling way short of that mark.

In addition to all that, if you have a friend who is treating someone as a place-holder, call them out! Guys, don’t let your friends treat girls that way–if you look the other way when your friends do this, then you are no better than they are since you clearly don’t respect your sister enough to stand up for her. And ladies, the same goes for you. No guy deserves to be strung along, so hold your friends accountable on their behalf.

And finally, don’t forget to reflect on why it is you need a place-holder in the first place. God is always sufficient, so if He hasn’t provided you with a spouse yet, He is still more than enough for you to be content. At the end of the day, that is the key issue here, so be sure not to cover it up with a girlfriend or boyfriend place-holder. Place-holding is little more than the symptom of a dissatisfied heart.

Have you ever noticed that there’s a Christian ranking system about what constitutes the best, most holy spiritual activities?

Not that anyone publicly acknowledges this system, but you’ll see it when you get that “look” of judgment from your friends. Like when you opt out of attending a special lecture series put on by your church, or you don’t participate in an outreach event that your campus fellowship is promoting. You know the look–

“Oh. Well, have fun with whatever you’re doing.”

Subtext: “Sinner!”

There’s a tendency among Christians to rank those activities that constitute the ultimate in discipleship. And if you aren’t participating in all of these involvements in just the right order and amount, you may incur great judgment from some of your peers.

You might also be the one dispensing that judgment.

In particular, I’ve noticed this occurrence when it comes to fellowship. Fellowship is a Christian practice that we have highly devalued. If you choose to go out with the girls instead of the participating in, say, a 24 hour fast with your church, then your priorities must be WAY out of whack. Girl time is like the J.V. level of Christian discipleship–it’s for the rookies, the lukewarm, the mediocre.

This perspective is also horribly wrong, and let me tell you why:

1. Girl Time is Good For Your Health–Studies have shown that spending time with other women has positive biological effects on your body. God desires that we take care of ourselves, and the women around us, and girl time is a crucial part of that equation. One article explains:

When women are stressed, the hormone oxytocin [known as the “love” hormone] is released as part of the stress response; it buffers the typically male “fight or flight” stress response. Oxytocin production encourages women to gather and gab with other women–and when a woman does bond with her pals, studies indicate she’ll release more oxytocin, which further alleviates stress and creates tranquility.

That’s the good news about female bonding: When we talk to each other, we feel better-at least temporarily. But there’s a bigger picture effect at work. What often occurs in conversation between women, especially under stress, is commiserating. Haven’t you noticed that when you have men, motherhood, or career problems, you tend to gravitate toward friends who have the same kinds of challenges?…Friends who praise and appreciate life together get closer to each other and soar higher in their personal and professional lives. (For whole article click here)

2. Girl Time is a Scriptural Mandate–Ok, so maybe there’s no verse in 2 Chronicles that specifically commands women to spend time together (although Titus 2 comes pretty close!). But what is mandated by Scripture is fellowship. I’m not sure why we’ve come to think of having fun with other Christians as a lesser spiritual practice, but given that Jesus’ final words to his disciples were delivered in the context of a group meal, we can surmise that fellowship is pretty important.

That said, going bowling, going out to dinner, hanging out at a friend’s apartment–all of these activities are valuable forms of Christian fellowship. We may not be explicitly talking about Christ, but the way in which we listen to one another, build one another up, and create an environment of trust has the fingerprints of Christ all over it. The Body of Christ is a refuge of safety and strength, but we’re also allowed to have fun in the process!

So the next time someone tries to make you feel bad for going to the mall with your friends instead of attending a 24 hour prayer vigil or a fund raiser for AIDS in Africa, don’t let them. Granted, you shouldn’t use fellowship as a mask for spiritual laziness. Don’t swing in the opposite direction by never going to ministry events, writing them off as being too boring or self-righteous for you. That is one in the same vice.

But sometimes we need to take care of ourselves, as well as the women around us, and that can mean having a fun night with the girls. Don’t let your pride get in the way of making it a priority–you will be blessed by it!

Today I’m going to begin by taking a little survey, and I want you to be honest:

Raise your hand if you watch The Hills. (Go ahead and raise it–I can’t see you)

Apparently The Hills is one of the top rated shows on television right now, and although I don’t watch it anymore, I used to very faithfully. It’s pretty addictive.

And for those of you who are in the dark, The Hills is a reality show that follows the lives of several young women in their early 20’s living in Los Angeles. Each of the girls featured on the show has subsequently become a celebrity in her own right, being featured in commercials and invited to A-list events. It’s quite a phenomenon.

The key storyline of this show surrounds the friendship between Lauren, the main character, and her best friend Heidi. The two were inseparable roommates doing life together. That is, until a boy entered the scene.

Heidi began dating a guy named Spencer, and Lauren did not approve. Lauren felt that Spencer didn’t respect Heidi and that he would hurt her, so she took a stand. As a result, their friendship disintegrated. Now, they are bitter enemies.

Now the reason this plot line came to my mind is that this weekend I was flipping through channels when I came to a “Deleted Scenes” show about The Hills. I watched for a few moments, and caught one scene in which Lauren confronts another friend, Audrina, about a guy that she’s dating. This guy is bad news as well, but Audrina doesn’t want to hear it. She’s gonna do what she’s gonna do, and she warns Lauren about “caring too much.” Sometimes that care can push people away.

As the camera cuts to Lauren, her face provides a not-so-subtle reminder that it was this same “caring too much” that pushed Heidi away.

Oh the drama!

Now as much as I hate to say it, The Hills provides us with a very important life lesson. It addresses a dilemma that we’ve all faced at some point or another–What do you do when your roommate, best friend or family member is dating someone you don’t like?

In the Christian world, this problem typically surfaces when a friend of ours starts dating a non-Christian, or has started dating someone under dishonorable circumstances. But how are we to respond?

There is a tendency in Christians to “call someone out,” but unless you have a history of this kind of interaction working, it rarely goes over well. On the contrary, it will usually result in defensiveness, and end up getting you nowhere.

So how do we get people to listen? It is here that James’ words in chapter 1 verse 9 are wonderful directives–”be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Don’t make snap judgments–you only reveal your naiveté about the temptations of sin. And don’t condemn the person they’re dating–that’s merely a back-door insult about their personal dating standards.

Instead listen, and find out why they chose this particular path. See if you can get to the root of the issue, and gently point out the misperceptions they may have about the situation. Sin is deceitful, so sometimes we need someone to help us see the pitfalls we may have missed ourselves.

If this doesn’t work, you should gradually become more firm. And at some point, you need to be point-blank honest with them.

However, honesty will not always result in a change, and that is the problem that Lauren ran into on The Hills. At some point, your friends are going to do what they are going to do, and you have to let them. That is one of the most frustrating life lessons I’ve ever had to learn–letting someone fall. Sometimes, this is the best thing you can do for someone, because some people only learn the hard way.

In these situations, your role is simple–stand back, pray for them, and be there for them when the relationship ultimately fails. Never say “I told you so.” Just love them.

This is especially hard for us control freaks. We’ll say that we’ve surrendered something into God’s hands, but we won’t act like it. We’ll keep bringing the issue up, beating a dead horse, and alienating our friends in the process.

And that is the greatest danger here–when you continually rebuke a friend who isn’t responding, you’re not only strengthening their obstinacy as you put them in the position of defending themselves, but you drive a wedge between your friendship. You double your losses.

So if you find yourself in this situation, or any situation in which a friend or loved one is caught on a path of sin or bad judgment, be honest with them. But then, give them over to God. It is not your responsibility to make people pursue Christ. You can encourage them and challenge them, but at some point a person is going to make their own decisions. How you love them in the fallout of those decisions will have the far greatest power to transform them.

*Final note–if your friend is in a relationship that is abusive, or if they are struggling with substance abuse or eating disorders or some other behavior that is blatantly self-destructive, the rules are slightly different. In some extreme circumstance, people need protection from themselves and you must do your best to help them find clinical help. In instances of suicidal actions, it’s appropriate and necessary to intervene with force. Also, in the event of persistent, unrepentant sin, church discipline is an important step to consider, so talk to one of your pastors about it.

I wonder if Billy Crystal was right.

Think back to the movie When Harry Met Sally. In case you haven’t seen it, the film came out in the late 80’s, and it co-starred Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. The storyline spans a period of many years beginning with the couple’s initial meeting, and following them as their friendship blossoms into romance.

It’s a pretty cute movie and you should check it out if you haven’t, but there is one scene in particular that I’ve always remembered—Crystal’s very first conversation with Ryan. The two are discussing whether or not men and women can be friends, and Crystal firmly believes that it’s impossible.

Ryan is confused by this and argues that countless men and women are friends without blurring the lines, but Crystal still disagrees. Even if the couple never acts upon their romantic feelings, there will always be one person in the friendship who is interested in the other. It may not be a permanent state of pining, but at some point or another, one of them is bound to think about it.

(I would have pasted the convo here but it’s a little PG-13. Google it–you’ll laugh. Oh and for those of you who watched this movie in the theaters, I thought I’d add that this year’s college freshmen hadn’t been born yet!)

So I pose the same question to you–Was Billy Crystal right? Can men and women ever really be friends? When I look back on my closest guy friendships, men that I never even came close to dating, there was still a point in time in which he or I was interested. Nothing came of it, but it seems to confirm Crystal’s point.

On the other hand, I wonder if the act of being attracted to another person necessarily invalidates friendship. Like I said, I’ve been friends with guys who were interested in me, or vice versa, but we got over it and remained friends. I’ve also been friends with guys who were dating another person or were married, so it was never an issue to begin with. Is Crystal therefore wrong, or am I simply being naive?

The reason I bring this up today is that it highlights our complete misunderstanding of male-female friendships. From Crystal’s perspective, men and women can ONLY interact in a sexual way, and I think he is right to an extent. If we spend enough one-on-one time with anyone, the idea is bound to surface.

But does that mean ALL male-female friendships must be inherently sexual? Heck no! And this is where our culture’s understanding of friendship has gone horribly awry.

In order to understand why we’ve perverted male-female friendships we need to first look out our single years, because the way we understand male-female friendships after we get married is profoundly shaped by the way we treated male-female friendships BEFORE marriage. Let me explain….

When you’re single, almost anything goes. You’ll spend excessive amounts of time with guys you have no intention of dating (and guys do the same with girls), and we assume it’s all above board as long as we’re not hooking up. Pre-marriage friendship is therefore defined by unrestrained freedom.

Of course, this almost never works out. No one can spend that much time with another person without someone starting to wonder. Lines get crossed and feelings get hurt. Thus proving Crystal to be right.

As a result of these abuses, we carry our experiences into marriage, and it shapes the way we interact with people of the opposite sex. We remember the fallout from our male-female friendships as a single person, and therefore swing in the opposite direction. There is almost a kind of paranoia surrounding male-female friendships. The idea of grabbing lunch with a co-worker is next to adultery, and you certainly can’t call a man who isn’t your husband on the phone. Ever.

But I wonder if that is altogether healthy. In responding this way, we sexualize ALL male-female relationships, which is a foreign dynamic to the Body of Christ. Shouldn’t our primary paradigm of interaction be that of brothers and sisters? It worries me when we treat our sisters in Christ more like whores who are trying to destroy our marriages, rather than members of a community designed to build our marriages up.

Yet this perspective originates in our unhealthy single friendships. Before we get married we should already be drawing boundaries. That doesn’t mean we should NEVER be alone with another man, but it does mean being responsible and making sure we treat our male friends as brothers. I have plenty of male friends who I consider to be good friends, but with whom I haven’t spent much alone time. If I need to tell them something, I will call them, but I don’t call them all the time. I keep them at an appropriate distance that guards their hearts and mine, while still maintaining our friendship.

If we were to have boundaries for male-female friendships prior to marriage, I wonder if we would be a little less threatened by these friendships after marriage. We would continue to have boundaries, but only for the sake of being wise, not paranoid. We could also see one another primarily as brothers and sisters in Christ, which means we wouldn’t always have to feel threatened by our husband’s friendships with other women. That doesn’t mean he should be calling women to confide in them, or that he should be taking them out to candlelit dinners, but he should be free to love them as his sisters.

All of that to say, how do you single gals interact with your male friends? Are you engaging in a degree of friendship that is sustainable once you start dating someone, or will you have to pull back considerably? Platonic friendships with guys can create just as much baggage for a dating relationship as ex-boyfriends, so only foster those kinds of friendship that would honor your husband. Not only for the sake of your future husband, but for the sake of guarding your guy friends’ hearts. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with guys, but it does mean we need to change the way we relate to them. Remember, these men are your brothers, not your boyfriend place holders.

Be the appropriate friend to men that you’d want your own husband to have. Let that be your compass.

This past week the Wall Street Journal featured an article about the state of female culture in America. While women may moan and groan about how poorly their male counterparts treat them, this article noted that women treat one another just as badly.

Now that is a topic that I have touched on numerous times here on my blog, but the article pointed out a refreshing exception to the trend. While college campuses are full of women who back-bite and slander one another, Christian campuses are remarkably different. In the author’s experience, it’s conservatives, not feminists, who seem to have a healthier view of womanhood when it comes to the daily treatment of fellow females. We respect one another better on a basic, practical level.

Even though the article doesn’t present any hard data to back this claim,  it serves as a fantastic reminder that when we gossip about one another, slander girls of whom we are jealous, and date one another’s boyfriends, then we put our witness on the line.

As Scripture reminds us, Christians are to be known by our love. And while I am pleased by this article’s portrayal of Christian women, it’s also a bit on the idealistic side–Christian women can be rather catty too. That said, the next time you’re tempted to spew a verbal assault on another girl, remember that people are watching you. We should be a breath of fresh air and a safe haven in the dog-eat-dog world that is American womanhood.

Be sure to check out the article here. It will give you a great taste of what NOT to do!

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re in college and your boyfriend is rushing a fraternity. You two have been dating for awhile, and you really like him a lot. He’s a total gentleman, you get along great together, and He loves the Lord. He even feels called to the fraternity as his mission field, and hopes to be a light in that particular darkness.

But one day your relationship takes a horrible turn. He calls you over to his fraternity house and makes a shocking proposition. Apparently all his potential frat brothers think you are really hot, and they’ve decided that he can only join the fraternity if you agree to sleep with them. So your boyfriend has now come to you, pleading that you will cooperate. “Please!” he begs. “They won’t let me pledge if you don’t do this! I know this is a lot to ask, but imagine the ministry opportunity!”

Sound crazy? That’s because it is.

Think this could never happen? Think again. This is exactly what Abraham did to Sarah in Genesis 12. The couple was traveling into Egypt, and Abraham feared he would be killed because Sarah was so desirable. So what does he do? He saves his own hide by handing her over to Pharaoh. When he should have been protecting her, he instead gains acceptance at her expense.

This is a story that we are pretty familiar with, but the tragedy of it often escapes us. We tend to blow it off as if the moral standards at that time were a lot more fluid. A man prostituting his wife somehow seemed more normal back then.

But if you can imagine yourself in the horrific circumstances I described above, then you got a taste of what Sarah must have been feeling. She was not only abandoned by the man who was supposed to protect her, but she was put in harm’s way for his own selfish gain. What a lonely place that must have been.

Clearly, this story has implications for our marriages, especially for husbands. But there is a degree to which we women should learn from this story as well. It is a story about putting someone in harm’s way to save yourself, and that is something I do all too often.

For example, I can’t tell you how many mornings I’ve spent a great deal of time picking out my clothes for church. Some mornings I have tried on 4 or 5 different outfits before I found the right one! And during this process, a small voice in the back of my head wondered, “Could your obsession with looking nice be a detriment to the women who look up to you? Are you causing other women to feel a pressure to look cute and perfect and put together, since that is the example you’re setting?”

But in that moment, I prefered to prop up my own self-esteem, so I ignored that voice. And in turn, I probably fed the insecurities of many women around me.

In the world of women, we are often about survival of the fittest. I don’t care who I knock down or how I make other women feel as long as I feel good about myself. And in doing so, we perpetuate an unending cycle of bondage to cultural norms, rather than standing up and being different. We feed into an impossible standard of beauty, instead of sacrificing our need to be the best and the prettiest.

And in this way, we have continued the legacy of Abraham. When we should be looking out for one another and protecting one another from a world that measures our beauty according to waistline, we victimize one another all the more by perpetuating it.

Now all of this is not to say that we should rebel against our culture by wearing burlap sacks and refusing to shower. Heck no! We need to celebrate our beauty, inside and out. But we need to ask ourselves why we do it. Are we the type who will NEVER go outside without make-up, who always tell others about all the time we spend at the gym, and who will only wear clothes from name brand stores? If you answer yes, or even maybe, to any of those questions, then you might just have a problem.

Let us instead put an end to this story. Let us be a Church who thinks first of our sisters, and then of ourselves. Let us consider how our actions affect others, and whether we are victimizing our neighbors, as opposed to protecting them. All of our actions, no matter how seemingly innocent, have implications for the world around us. So when it comes to the Christian life and how we live in relationship to others, we should always ask ourselves–Are we selling out Sarah, or are we saving her?

When I was in Southeast Asia this summer, I had a very unusual experience–I went to see the movie Sex and the City with some Muslim girls from Sudan. It was seriously disorienting as we walked into a movie all about sex, accompanied by girls wearing conservative head coverings. Granted, the country censored all the nudity, sex scenes and kissing out of the film, but it was still pretty racy. I never would have guessed that these girls would be interested in seeing such a movie.

But what was even more surprising is that we all enjoyed it, including myself! Since all the sex had been edited out, I was able to focus more on the plot line which, at its core, is about the unshakable bond between friends.

That story line, about 4 friends who stick together through thick and thin, is a story line that transcends age and culture. That’s why so many women all over the world have identified with the show and its characters. Each woman in the group is different, but each fits in perfectly as she offers her own unique dynamic to the group. And each woman is fully loved by her other friends, in spite of their differences.

In Sex and the City, we see a vision of friendship that allows us to be who we are, and still be loved unconditionally. We also see a vision of friendship that perseveres through adversity, as well as rejoicing in the good times. It is a kind of friendship that most women desire because it provides us with an emotional refuge, and it allows us to be free in who we are. As a result, women watch the show and aspire to have the same kinds of relationships.

There is a similar phenomenon with the show Entourage. Here again, we see a group of guys who live the kind of life most guys only dream about. But what’s even better is that they live this dream life together. Unlike many people, they have not attained success only to find themselves alone at the top. Instead, they remain a solid core through the adventures of life. And like Sex and the City, each guy is different, offering his own unique personality to make the group what it is. Again, each man is free to be himself, and still be accepted.

As a result of shows like these, I’ve noticed men and women will subconsciously (or consciously) imitate the lifestyles of the characters. They mimic their language, their dress, their behaviors, and the way they relate to members of the opposite sex. They are trying to live out the friendships that they’ve seen on t.v. because they look so desirable.

And this is where our sweet tale of friendship goes horribly awry. While both shows display a quality of friendship that we rarely experience today, that tiny bit of truth has blinded countless viewers to an underlying perversion.

The problem with the “friendship” offered us in these shows is that it is ultimately self-destructive. It is a kind of friendship that has no real moral compass because it isn’t founded on anything that is morally tangible. It may appeal to some vague sense of love and commitment or shared experiences, but those elements don’t guard a friendships from selfishness, or guide friendships in the way of integrity.

And that is why the moral values of these shows are so shaky. Throughout the course of the series, the Sex and the City women simply laughed about one another’s crazy antics as several of them had affairs with married men, had affairs themselves, and engaged in other behaviors that would lead to unspeakable pain and heartache in the real world. There was no higher standard by which to measure their actions. The group itself sets the standard.

In the same way, the men in Entourage essentially cheer one another on as they objectify women and treat them like throw away kleenex. It’s all about sexual conquest after sexual conquest. The friends are not cultivating any kind of character in one another. They are instead reinforcing behaviors and mindsets that cultivate selfishness and short-circuit one’s ability to love and commit in a self-sacrificing way.

That is the deceptiveness of shows like these. They offer us a vision of something we desire, and there might even be some truth to it. But ultimately, these friendships are fatally flawed for one reason, and one reason alone: they are not founded on Christ.

Any friendship that is not founded on Christ can wander astray into one of two categories, both of which are demonstrated for us through Sex and the City and Entourage:

1. Friendship founded on idolatry–This is a friendship that is grounded in a mutual interest or shared history, anything other than Christ. It could be anything from the innocent interests of shopping, running, or knitting, or it could even be founded on gossip, partying, or promiscuity. While some of those mutual interests can add depth to a friendship, they cannot replace the importance of placing Christ at the center of your Christian friendships. When Christ is removed, our friendships no longer have an immovable anchor, but are instead founded upon a shakeable moral ground which is largely determined by the subjective opinion of the group.

2. Friendship founded on exclusivity–This model of friendship is not based on who you are, but instead on who you’re not. It tends to take an attitude of “us against the world.” Specifically, women can stereotype and tear down their male counterparts–”we women need to stick together against the men.” Similarly, men can objectify women, seeing them not as equals but as prizes to be competed for. They are not given the same respect and care as members within the group. These friendships also cultivate a false sense of intimacy–you may feel close to the members of the group, but there is nothing substantive that’s really connecting you together. And that spirit of opposition can easily be used to exclude you one day.

HBO is selling a model of friendship that offers us a kernel of truth, and that truth is refreshing in a world where good friendships are hard to find. But we must not allow that grain of truth to blind us to the lies hidden within. True, edifying, Christian friendship should be centered on Christ alone–any other model only feeds our destructive tendencies. Remember that the next time you watch these shows, as well as something as benign as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Ask what these shows are selling, and whether or not you’ve bought the lie. When you look at the friendships in your life, what model do you see?

Cliques.

This is a word that instantly generates feelings of annoyance and disdain. We all knew those girls in high school, that group in college, maybe even some people at your church right now. Few things feel worse than being excluded from those tightly-knit groups who so ably highlight our inadequacies. And that is why we hate them.

I still remember sitting in my Middle School cafeteria the day my best friend moved on to a better group. Even though we’d been inseparable for years, I’d seen the move coming for weeks. She’d been spending more and more time with those “other girls,” and then came the day when she sat down at their table for lunch. I asked her to come sit with me, and she gave me the “please don’t talk to me anymore” look. Brutal.

(Of course I can’t really blame her. She was blossoming into the most gorgeous girl in our school, while I simultaneously spiraled into the depths of what I call me “awkward phase.”)

Because of stories just like mine, we all detest cliques. We’ve all been excluded at one time or another, and many of us still bear the scars from those emotional blows.

But is there more to it than that? Aside from the way cliques make us feel, is there something inherent about their very nature that we should avoid? What does Scripture have to say about this rampant social practice? After all, we may have been hurt by a clique, but we’ve probably been in a clique as well. What might God think about this?

Well to find the answer, we can look at the very first clique in the Bible, and it’s found in Genesis 11. In this chapter, we see the people of Babel growing in number, as well as pride. They have deceived themselves into thinking they can attain equality with God, so they set out to build a tower that will reach to the heavens. God told them to be fruitful and multiply, but they instead hunker down and stick together. They have bigger fish to fry than simply multiplying. They have the rep of the group to protect.

And what is God’s response to this? It goes as follows: “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.” (v. 6) So He confuses their language and scatters them all over the earth.

What exactly did God mean by that statement? Nothing will be impossible for them? Did He really mean that nothing at all would be impossible? That they could really become like God Himself if they merely stuck together? I don’t think so.

What God meant by those words was that no evil would be impossible for them. Already they were seeking to replace God, and they were only just beginning. Clearly, no act of disobedience was out of bounds, so what would be next??

This is the danger of the in-group mentality. It is a mentality in which the self-preservation of the group is put first and foremost ahead of every other concern. And when this happens, all other people, interests, or causes are subordinated to the well-being of the group. We have seen the in-group at its worst during the Holocaust and the practice of slavery. We even see it in Christian cliques when pastors and prophetic voices are driven out of their churches for reasons having nothing to do with Christ.

In-groups mentalities are therefore extremely destructive because they use peer pressure to get the whole group to act, at which point their collective actions become all the more powerful. If you don’t go along with the group, you risk being shunned, thereby making it very difficult to change them.

So the larger these in-groups get, the more dangerous they become, which is why God scattered them. As the group gets larger it gains momentum, growing faster and faster. And as this growth transpires, it gains increasing man-power to promote its cause.

God knew all of those things, and foresaw the potential destructiveness of this in-group mentality, which is why He responded so definitively. If left unchecked, there was no end to the evil they could accomplish.

That said, beware of cliques–and by that I don’t mean avoid people who are in them. Rather, don’t be in one yourself. When we are in a clique, we fall prey to the in-group peer pressure, and subsequently hurt others. What’s worse is that these cliques often prevent us from even caring if we trample those around us. We find ways to rationalize why we are so exclusive–”I do hang out with other people…sometimes;” “We tried hanging out with her but she’s just so hard to talk to;” “She’s just at a different stage in life than the rest of us, so she should find someone her own age to hang out with.” All of these are justifications for exclusion, exclusion that wounds and destroys.

How do you know if you’re in a clique? Some of the tell-tale signs include the way you spend your time–do you make an effort to hang out with anyone else, or do you only hang out with one specific group of friends who also happen to be exactly like you? Also, what do other people think about the group? Odds are if you’re in a clique, then people have mentioned it to you before. Listen to them. And finally, has anyone been hurt because of the group dynamic? And by that I mean has anyone felt intentionally excluded. Although friendships are never perfect, which means people will inevitably get hurt from time to time, the group’s willingness or unwillingness to make amends and include them in the future reveals a lot.

If you find yourself in a group that fits any of those qualifications, then you need to do one of two things–talk to the group and make an effort to change, or start making new friends. Cliques can be spiritually toxic, so if your friends are resistant to change then you need to switch social circles.

Instead, resolve to be outwardly focused. God called us to be fruitful and multiply, and this command applies to more than mere procreation. We need to multiply spiritually, we need to be adding to our number daily those who are being saved, as well as making our Christian friendships more fruitful. Reach out to the people in your church, dorm or workplace who need a friend, and reach out to those in the community that the socio-economic in-group has marginalized. This practice will generally take us out of our comfort zones, but if the people of Babel teach us nothing else, it is that we can either take ourselves out of the clique, or God will do it for us.

(Sorry to disappoint some of you, but the title is referring to something other than what you might be thinking…)

One of my all time favorite movies is the teen comedy/satire Mean Girls. Although the movie has its share of crude language and humor, I love watching it because it portrays the destructive power of female cattiness so perfectly. It is a clever and telling illustration of human fallenness, and the way in which that fallenness has resulted in broken relationships.

In case you are not familiar with the plot, the movie is about a teenage girl who has been homeschooled in Africa for her entire life, until her parents move back to the States and she is thrust into an American high school. What she discovers is that the jungles of Africa are not unlike the jungles of high school. Like the African savannah, high school is all about survival of the fittest, and the girls seem to be most adept at this game.

The analogy between Africa and high school is a brilliant one to make. I’m sure we can all remember wanting to fit in, and the measures we took to attain that goal. Unfortunately, this sometimes occured at another’s expense, and that is the conflict of Mean Girls–the young girl so desperately desires to be popular that she tramples on any one and everyone to get there.

Well as perfectly as this movie depicts the high school experience, I have to admit that it also depicts the more general female experience in life. For me, that cattiness did not end in high school–it followed me on into college, into adulthood, and even into the church.

As much as I would like to say that the meanest girls of all were the immature teeny-boppers from high school, I must confess that the worst treatment I have ever received was at the hands of other Christian women. And I know I am not alone in this. When it comes to female fellowship, this is one area in which we are not being a light to the culture. On the contrary, we could learn a thing or two about loyalty from the women on Sex and the City, and when it has come to that, we are at a very bad place.

For some reason, our identities in Christ have not set us free from competition and cliques. Instead, we have continued those behaviors, but under the banner of Christ, which is all the more detestable. Using the subtle tactics of manipulation, we hurt others to get ahead. We “forget” to invite one another to social events, we exclude one another from Bible studies, and we become territorial about our male friends.

And while we may try to excuse our actions, claiming, “I didn’t know that would hurt her feelings” or “I just didn’t think to invite her,” deep down we knew all along. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought, “She might perceive this the wrong way” or “If I say this to her it might hurt her,” but considering my friend’s feelings meant making a sacrifice of time and energy that I was not willing to give, so I instead did what I wanted at her expense.

So I will be the first to admit that I have participated in this kind of ungodly behavior. I will also be the first to admit that it is unacceptable. Ladies, we are sisters in Christ, not enemies in the competition to find a husband. We are not rivals in some Christian popularity contest to be the best Bible study leader, worship team singer, wife, or mom. In theory, we have been released from all of those strivings, but we instead perpetuate them all the more.

Most likely, you know very well if you have ever bought into those lies. You know if you have hurt someone in the past for your own selfish gain. In fact, it may not have even bothered you at the time. That is perhaps the most appalling thing of all–we can hurt our sisters in Christ without batting an eye. This should disturb us greatly, because that kind of behavior, a behavior in which we are willing to steal, kill and destroy all for our own sake, comes directly from Satan.

As I write this, I have to admit that it is coming from a place of anger and frustration in my heart–I recently spoke with a young woman who has been hurt by her friends for no good reason at all, but hers is not the first story I have heard. I have had many, many conversations with young women who have been trampled by their Christian friends, and after awhile, it gets old. As a minister to women, it is frustrating to feel as though I’m working against other Christians, rather than with them. My job would be considerably easier if women didn’t hurt each other so much.

BUT, my anger does not legitimize bitterness, and this is an area in which Christian women struggle just as much. When someone hurts us, especially someone we trusted because of their professed faith in Christ, it is hard to move past that wound. However, the way in which we respond to such situations says just as much about our faith in Christ as it does when we willingly hurt others. Just because someone hurts you does not permit you to slander them. Nor is it healthy to ignore or ostracize that person when you see them in church. I have tried all of those tactics, and they only serve to cement the bitterness, rather than dissolve it. What’s more, they secure division, instead of moving toward reconciliation.

That said, we must accept the reality that as long as the Church is populated by sinners, we are going to be hurt by our Christian friends. And while that does not excuse the behavior, we need to set our minds on the best way to redeem such circumstances. When you get hurt, will you wallow in self pity and spend countless hours thinking about what a hypocrite your friend is, or will you love them anyway, in the same way that Christ loved you? Will you harbor bitterness in your heart, or will you forgive them seventy times seven, given the infinite sin God has forgiven you?

We may not be able to control whether or not someone hurts us, but we can control two things: 1) Whether we hurt another person, and 2) Whether we will stop the cycle when someone hurts us. What it ultimately comes down to is that we as women need to take more ownership in the integrity of the Church. Too often we forget that we are all leaders and ministers of the Gospel–we are half of the Church’s very identity, after all, so we have a powerful hand in the Church’s work. We can either strengthen the Church’s witness, or poison it, but it is up to us. So let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that one small wound to another sister’s heart is of little consequence. On the contrary, in doing so we have tarnished the very name of Christ. Let us love one another with that degree of reverence and urgency.

(I’m taking a brief break from my “Mark of the Church” series to write about something that has been on my mind lately…)

Don’t worry, what follows is not a scathing diatribe about the evils of Christian sororities. Christian sororities are just fine. Instead, the title of this post is an analogy for what, I believe, our fellowships and churches have often become.

The other day I was thinking about the way in which campus ministries are often distinguished from one another–you’ve got the fellowship with all the good-looking social people, the fellowship with the students who like to party a little harder than the other Christians, the fellowship with the athletes, the fellowship with the nerdy kids in it (and don’t think I’m hatin–I was/am a nerd!), and then there are the fellowships distinguished by race or ethnicity. You have the fellowships that are largely composed of Black students, Asian students, etc. Every person has her niche, so she attends the fellowship of people who are most like her.

What concerns me about this trend is that the same pattern is observable in sororities. You have the sorority with the pretty girls, the party girls, the more down-to-earth girls. You have historically black sororities and you have sororities that are largely hispanic. You also have sororities for the less social girls, the girls who like to study, or the girls who simply couldn’t get into any of the sororities.

Christians fellowships are strikingly similar to the sorority system in this way, and to some extent this is normal. We obviously can’t be best friends with everyone, so it’s normal to gravitate towards those people who share similar interests. However, the distinctions between these fellowships do not always come about in a healthy way.

In particular, there are some fellowships that draw the people who simply weren’t accepted by the other ministries…a trend that makes since in the darwinistic Greek system, but shouldn’t necessarily be taking place in the Christian world. Surely there shouldn’t be such a category as “Christian rejects,” should there?

Yet listening to some students recount their search for a fellowship sounds just like the story of a freshman in the sorority bid process. It usually goes something like this: “I went to the fellowship a lot my first semester, but no one really seemed interested in talking to me. I would try to engage people in conversation, or find friends to hang out with, but no one ever called. It felt like a clique that I couldn’t get into, so I finally just left.”

In hearing these stories, I can usually tell right away why each student had so much trouble engaging those ministries–it was because they weren’t wearing Rainbow flip-flops, or they were a little overweight, or they had acne, or they didn’t shop at the right stores. There was something about them that didn’t fit the mold, so they weren’t allowed to fit in at all.

So over the past week I have been pondering why Christian fellowships mirror sororities so closely in this way, and I think it’s because they ultimately serve the same purpose: they’re both a social outlet. A lot of Christians join particular fellowships based upon the social life it can provide them. Where are you most likely to meet cute guys? Who has the coolest parties each semester?

And while it’s ok to have these thoughts from time to time (after all, there’s nothing inherently evil about attractive men or fun social events) but your motives become distorted when your thinking ends there. Is your social life the MAIN reason you’re there? Are you using Christ to mask your real reasons for involvement?

The answer to this question can usually be revealed by the mindset you’re in at your large group meetings. Are you mostly there to socialize, or are you there to serve, to keep your eyes peeled for new people and make sure they feel welcome? Contrary to popular belief, serving and welcoming is not the job of the ministry leaders alone–that is your job as a *Christian.*

The primary reason you should be involved in a fellowship or church is not because it’s a great social outlet, but because it is a means for serving God’s Kingdom more effectively. You need to be active and intentional about using your fellowship as a vehicle for pursuing God harder and better than you were before. This doesn’t mean that you should only be friends with people who are different than you, but at the very least, it means that no one should EVER come to your ministry and feel unwelcome. Regardless of the natural distinctions that cause sororities to be so different, all Christians have one thing in common that surpasses any superficial differences, and that is Christ. If for no other reason than that, the make-up of our communities should look somewhat different from secular groups.

So if you think it over and realize that you are in a “Christian sorority” (figuratively speaking), then you have two options: One, change it. Take responsibility for the problem–just because you’re not a leader doesn’t mean you don’t have a call as a Christian to welcome people and serve. A church or fellowship should be God-focused and others-focused before being self-focused, so set an example to others by living your life that way. Hopefully the people around you will be encouraged to do the same.

Your second option is to get out. Any fellowship or church that is that exclusive does more harm than good, because it’s basically using Christ’s name for an agenda that is not Christ. So if you think there’s no chance of it ever changing, then there’s no reason to stick around that kind of temptation. It will likely suck you in to thinking it’s ok, and you’ll end up justifying the behavior rather than seeing it for the exclusivity that it is.

Christ’s death and resurrection was a radical act of love that we are now free to share with others. It has freed us from the rat race that is popularity contests and cliques. So while it’s ok to have fun with people who have similar personalities and interests, building a community based on those commonalities alone will not reflect the whole truth that’s been earned for us at the cross. We are free from superficial distinctions, and the world needs to see that. It will never see Christ in us if we look more like the Greek system than God’s Church.