You know it’s not very often that a man will commend a woman for her modesty. In fact, it is not often that women hear spiritual praises of any sort from the men in their lives. Instead, women will hear about the importance of being pretty and having a good body or a good sense of humor or not being high maintenance. Even in the company of men who have an active relationship with the Lord, women will still find themselves hearing about how hot or cool the other girls are, often feeling completely overlooked.

Commendations about our own modesty, passion for the Lord, or prayer life–those come few and far between.

With that in mind, I’m kickin it back old school today with an excerpt from the writings of Gregory of Nazianzus. Gregory is a Church Father who lived in the 4th century, and he wrote the below words in memory of his sister, Gorgonia, a valiant woman of the Lord. She managed to navigate the potential distractions of the world, and submit every aspect of her life to Christ in an exemplary way.

As you read this, I want you to remember two things. First is for the guys:

Gentlemen, the qualities here described not only constitute the standard you should seek in a wife, but Gregory’s words also serve as a great example of how to affirm your sisters in Christ. Women need to hear this kind of Christ-centered affirmation, or else we’ll be tempted to place our time, effort, and value in other, more superficial pursuits. Over and over he again he praises her love for Christ–that is exactly what we need to hear.

And to the ladies–this is the kind of language you should expect from your husband, as well as your male friends. Just because a man is a Christian does not mean he is a godly friend to you. When it comes to Christian community, do not put up with men who go to church on Sunday but want to go out and get trashed on the weekends, flirt with you without any intention of acting upon it, or talk about other women in a less than honorable way. You deserve much better, and such constant exposure to this behavior will slowly lower your standards for yourself.

So although these words were penned over 1,500 years ago, Gregory of Nazianzus was in love with Jesus and we can all learn from his legacy, as well as that of his sister.

In modesty she so greatly excelled, and so far surpassed those of her own day, to say nothing of those of old time who have been illustrious for modesty, that, in regard to the two divisions of the life of all, that is, the married and the unmarried state, the latter being higher and more divine, though more difficult and dangerous, while the former is more humble and more safe, she was able to avoid the disadvantages of each, and to select and combine all that is best in both, namely, the elevation of the one and the security of the other, thus becoming modest without pride, blending the excellence of the married with that of the unmarried state, and proving that neither of them absolutely binds us to, or separates us from, God or the world…

For though she had entered upon a carnal union, she was not therefore separated from the spirit, nor, because her husband was her head, did she ignore her first Head: but, performing those few ministrations due to the world and nature, according to the will of the law of the flesh, or rather of Him who gave to the flesh these laws, she consecrated herself entirely to God.

But what is most excellent and honourable, she also won over her husband to her side, and made of him a good fellow-servant, instead of an unreasonable master. And not only so, but she further made the fruit of her body, her children and her children’s children, to be the fruit of her spirit, dedicating to God not her single soul, but the whole family and household, and making wedlock illustrious through her own acceptability in wedlock, and the fair harvest she had reaped thereby; presenting herself, as long as she lived, as an example to her offspring of all that was good, and when summoned hence, leaving her will behind her, as a silent exhortation to her house.

On a final note, I should mention that while women do need godly affirmation from the men in their lives, men need to hear such praises from women as well. If you know men who are passionately following Christ and encourage you in your own walk, be sure to tell them!

This year I’ve found myself talking to my students a LOT about sarcasm. And whenever the topic comes up, I usually mention the following uncomfortable verse from Proverbs 26:18-19:

Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

Upon citing this verse, I’m frequently met with a reaction of laughing disbelief, something along the lines of, “You can’t possibly be serious!” Most people can’t believe that verse is even in the Bible at all. Sounds a little extreme, right?

Well in typical Bible fashion, the author is right. And he was NOT speaking in hyperbole. This isn’t like the gym teacher in Mean Girls who told the students not to have sex or else they would die. The author isn’t exaggerating just to make a point.

On the contrary, this verse reveals the truly poisonous nature of sarcasm.

I don’t know about you, but I REALLY struggle with sarcasm. It’s one of the main conversational techniques I use to impress others and indicate that I can carry my own in witty conversations. In the past it’s been a significant aspect of my communication with others, and it continues to be.

We justify sarcasm by labeling it as a sign of comradery. We say we can be sarcastic with those to whom we feel closest. According to this logic, sarcasm isn’t a bad thing at all–it’s really an indication of intimacy.

But as the verse in Proverbs reveals, sarcasm isn’t really intimacy at all. It’s a false form of intimacy that masquerades as fellowship. Under the guise of “being comfortable enough to kid,” we replace open, honest conversation with an environment that’s inherently competitive. We encourage a spirit of one-upmanship, highlighting one another’s slip-ups and mistakes for the sake of entertainment and making ourselves look smart.

When sarcasm is allowed to dwell, our friendships are no longer safe places in which individuals can feel free to be vulnerable. That doesn’t mean that vulnerability is altogether absent, but it is less likely, especially when new people join the fold. We may think it’s harmless because all along we’re “only joking,” but in reality we’re short-circuiting any attempt at genuine Christian fellowship.

And that is what sarcasm kills. Sarcasm kills fellowship. And in a larger context, it also poisons ministries. Where sarcasm exists, you are all the more likely to find back-biting and gossip because underneath those jokes, hurt feelings reside. And where hurt feelings have been allowed to fester, they lash out at the first opportunity.

A community can sustain itself on sarcasm for years, but at the nearest sign of trouble those friendships will be tested. When hardship, miscommunication, or disagreement develop, the true mettle of a community will be revealed.

So pardon the pun, but don’t “kid” yourself into thinking that your sarcasm is innocent. The words of Proverbs 26 should dispel any notion of this sort. In reality, sarcasm kills intimacy and it destroys fellowship, so keep that in mind the next time one of your friends accidentally trips and falls on their face, or your spouse drops a glass on the floor. In that moment of vulnerability brought on by obvious imperfection, they need friendship, not an attack disguised as amicable joking.

I am currently in the middle of a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive woman. In the last post I discussed women who are possessive about their male friends. This post serves as the second topic in this series. 

Part 2: You’re possessive about your crushes

On a fairly consistent basis I hear stories from young women that go something like this:

Me: So what’s going on with you and Freddy?

College student: Well, Freddy and I really like each other, but after we started hanging out one of my friends said that she liked him.

Me: Oh, so Freddy has been hanging out with her too?

College student: Well, not exactly. They talk sometimes, and she thinks something could be there, so she wants me to back off. She doesn’t want me to mess things up for her and him.

Me: Have they gone out on any dates?

College student: No.

Me: Does he call her or anything?

College student: No.

Me: But she thinks that something is there?

College student: Yes, so I’m gonna have to back off from Freddy.

This style of relating to guys reminds me of when I used to fight over the front seat with my brother: “I call shotgun!” “No I called shotgun first!” “NO I CALLED SHOTGUN!!!”

It’s like survival of the fittest, dating style. Whoever grabs the guy first gets the prize. If you don’t call dibs and mark your territory, then you get picked out of the dating pool like a weak antelope in the African Savannah.

Having said that, I have to be totally honest–this behavior is absurd. Not only are you acting in a possessive fashion over a man on whom you have no claim, but you are placing your friend in a terrible position as well. You’re essentially forcing her to choose between you two, and that isn’t fair or right.

Now I know that it is hard. I have been in the position of pining after a guy, only to stand by and watch as one of my friends swooped in and stole his heart. It was devastating.

But that did not give me the right to thwart their relationship. Whatever connection I had with my crush was only in my mind. I had read into every single glance, smile, and conversation with him. My imagination had carried me away as I dreamed of our future together.

And that is where this form of possessiveness is founded–in our imaginations. It is in no way rooted in reality. Even if you are spending a lot of time with the guy, it’s generally pretty clear if he’s pursuing you romantically as opposed to platonically–he takes you out on dates, tells you how he feels, etc. Yes, there are some guys who will string you along because they just don’t want to commit, but regardless of a man’s behavior you need to guard your thought life either way. If he isn’t pursuing you in a CLEAR manner, then don’t let your heart and mind go there. Don’t allow yourself to construct a situation that does not exist.

When you indulge those fantasies you risk getting hurt, as well as hurting the friends around you.

Just like the last post, the most important lesson we can learn from this behavior is that it projects an accurate picture of your heart.  A woman gets territorial when she wants to control her love life, instead of surrendering it into the hands of God. It’s also a matter of jealousy–if you can’t have him then you don’t want anyone else to.

Ultimately, it’s not about the guy at all. It’s about two very specific things:

1) Your belief in a sovereign God who has great plans for you and will take care of you. If you try and break up another couple, then you aren’t trusting God with your future.

2) Your view of other Christian women. As we discussed in the last post, you should not view other women as competition that is trying to consume a scarce supply of men. The goal is not marriage; the goal is God’s glory. And in that battle we are all on the same team. We should therefore treat one another as allies, not enemies.

And don’t forget to love your neighbor as yourself. If you would like to have a husband, then you should be just as happy when one of your sisters meets the man of her dreams.

Now I will say that there is a time when it is right to talk to your friend if you think the silence will cause unspoken bitterness between you. But be sure that the conversation is not an ultimatum. The goal of the discussion should be a stronger friendship and a greater trust in God, not a veiled attempt at manipulating her. Only you can know your heart on that one, but if you’re at all tempted to control the situation, it might be better to say nothing at all and let God deal with your heart.

Again, remember that God is in control. He will take care of you. When you try to force a situation, you risk forfeiting a growing relationship with Him, as well as a wonderful frienship with another woman. If that is the cost of pursuing your crush, then it’s not worth it. God has more for you than that.

The next and final post will cover the topic of being possessive about your boyfriend or fiance. This one comes right out of my life right now, so I’ll be preaching to myself on this one!

It has recently come to my attention that I am a possessive girl. But not in the way you would expect. I don’t freak out when my fiancé, Ike, talks to another girl, and I don’t accuse him of staring at other beautiful women. No, my possessiveness is far more subtle.

All this time I’d thought I was better than those “other women,” but it turns out I’m just like them in a lot of ways. And I suspect you are too.

Why? Because our relationships with men often combine a careful blend of jealousy and the need to control. We want men to prefer us, and oftentimes we try to make them. Or, we simply like to be in control, period.

In case you think this doesn’t sound like you, I have decided to put together a list of ways that you might have seen that nasty possessive side rear its ugly head in your own life. I am making it a three part blog series because each point warrants a lot of its own attention. The series will be composed of the following list:

1. You’re possessive about your guy friends

2. You’re possessive about your crushes

3. You’re possessive about your boyfriend/fiancé.

I myself have qualified under all three categories at various stages in my life, so I encourage you to read through them and be honest. This topic is important, not because we need to be less possessive, but because our possessive tendencies say a lot about our relationship with God, and others.

Part 1: You’re possessive about your guys friends

This form of possessiveness typically manifests itself as “big sister” protection. You may have absolutely no romantic interest in your friend, but you take it upon yourself to protect him from all the “unworthy women” who try to enter his life. You become very vocal about the girls he dates, stating that they need to “get your approval.” Or, you find yourself gossiping about the girls trying to get his attention–”She is SO desperate. I just can’t stand the way she throws herself at him.”

Now we often deceive ourselves into thinking that this behavior is for his own good. We’re just looking out for him. In reality, it is a manifestation of jealousy, the need to control, or both.

The jealousy dynamic tends to be the most obvious. Even in platonic friendships there is some part of us that doesn’t want to be outranked by another girl.

But even if you would be happy for your friend to find the right woman, we often act as if guys aren’t smart enough to navigate the dating process on their own. We think some Jezebel is gonna pull the wool over his eyes, so if we don’t step in he’ll end up marrying a total floozy! This behavior is all about control. It reveals that you don’t trust your friend’s judgment, nor do you trust God’s sovereignty in his life.

In addition to those issues, this behavior is a disturbing commentary on how we view other women. We treat them as if they’re dangerous predators, not our sisters in Christ. The truth is, our sisters need just as much guidance, support and love as our brothers, and it is far more appropriate for us to give that kind of care to other women than to men. But we instead treat other girls as competition, rather than co-laborers in Christ.

And what if your guy friend is interested in a non-Christian girl? Well that’s ALL THE MORE REASON to reach out to her. Yes, caution your friend against missionary dating–or better yet, encourage his other guy friends to do so–but in the mean time remember that this may be her only exposure to the sweet fellowship she might find among Christian woman, so don’t spoil that opportunity.

Those are just a few of the dynamics involved in possessiveness over male friends. I am guilty of giving into this temptation many, many times–I am a total control freak. But if you find yourself being possessive about guy friends, let it be a barometer of your heart. This behavior is not really about guys at all–it’s about the state of your heart toward God. Work on that, and the possessiveness will take care of itself.

Stay tuned for the next post on being possessive about your crushes!

Several years ago a college student came to me and told me about a crazy living situation that she was dealing with. She lived with several other Christian girls, and they were engaging in what can only be described as passive aggressive guerrilla warfare against one another.

Their mode of assault? Post-it notes.

You see several of the girls in the house were notoriously bad about cleaning the dishes and taking out the trash, so someone got the bright idea to leave post-it notes by the sink and trash, rebuking them for such unthoughtfulness. The anonymously written post-it would read something like,

“Someone needs to clean up their dishes.” (Emphasis on “someone”)

But the aggression didn’t end there. Soon post-it notes were popping up all over the kitchen. A post-it note by the trash: “Someone needs to take out the trash.” A post-it note on the fridge: “Someone needs to throw away their old food.”

And so the battle waged.

I’m not really sure how it all ended, but what sticks out to me about this story is the idea that Christian women were doing this to one another. All communication had broken down. No, they weren’t going Jerry Springer on one another and cat-fighting it out til there was blood, but they were hardly enjoying solid Christian fellowship with one another.

Yet as much as I would like to judge these girls and look down on them, I can’t. Anyone who’s ever had a roommate knows how hard it can be to share space with another person. You have to work with their differing expectations, their differing lifestyle and their differing standards of cleanliness. You also increase the likelihood of running into one another’s ugly sinful side–it’s hard to hide your bad sides from the person you live with.

And as a result, your roommate might start to get on your nerves. Or even infuriate you.

That’s why living in community, whether you’re a college student or you’re married, is going to test you, and it’s going to test you in two key ways:

1. Community will test your patience–No matter how much you love the person you live with, there are going to be times when you butt heads. That’s what happens when you put sinners together–they’re like beta fish. So the question is how you will respond when that conflict inevitably happens. You can either choose to be bitter and harbor all kinds of secret animosities toward them, or you can choose to serve them and love them anyway.

The first option will lead to an eventual disintegration of the relationship. The second will be hard, but much more rewarding. If your roommate leaves a dish in the sink, clean it for them without keeping a record of wrongs. Don’t keep track of who has taken the trash out the most or who cleans the apartment the most. Why? Because the goal is not a clean living space–the goal is to model Christ to them and love one another better.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express concerns or frustrations with your roommate–communication is vital to a healthy relationship. But it does mean that you’re aware you’re living with a sinner, and you’re prepared to love and serve them anyway.

2. Community will test your selfishness–Christians are kind of funny about how they demonstrate selflessness. They will travel to the ends of the earth to feed people in Africa, but they won’t show their roommates or friends the slightest amount of courtesy. If you are the kind of roommate who leaves your stuff out all the time, who stays up late making lots of noise so that no one else can sleep, or who turns on all the lights in the morning regardless of whether or not others are awake, then you are not loving your roommate the way you should.

The true test of of a selfish heart is not how you love strangers. It’s not even discernible in how you care for some of your friends. The true test of your character is revealed in the way you treat the people with whom you spend most of your time.

If you’re a bad roommate, then you need to focus first on loving your roommate better before you get to the task of reaching the world.

Living in a community is hard, and it highlights the darkest parts of our heart. But that can be a good thing–it shows us what we need to work on. So before you go blaming conflict on your annoying roommate who is so inconsiderate and doesn’t care about anyone but herself, stop and examine yourself first. She might just think the exact same thing about you.

*And I can’t write this blog without adding that my current roommates are amazing and they model Christ to me everyday. I am very blessed, and very grateful.

Have you ever broken off a relationship with someone after they hurt you?

Have you ever found yourself acting awkward or uncomfortable around a close friend after they betrayed your trust?

For most of us, we can think of at least one instance in which this kind of estrangement has occurred. Someone we love and trust hurts us, and as a result of that injury the relationship never recovers. Even when we try to be civil to one another, the relationship is never quite the same again.

From the perspective of the injured party, this reaction seems reasonable. But have you ever been on the other end? Have YOU been the one to screw up and hurt a loved one, only to forever be emotionally shut out by them? Maybe they weren’t mean to you or openly bitter, but it seemed that no matter how hard you tried, no matter how much time had passed, you never received full forgiveness. The wrong was always hanging in the air.

I have been on both sides of this situation. In the first scenario I felt justified in staying guarded and keeping my distance; in the second scenario I felt helpless and frustrated that true forgiveness was just outside my grasp. It’s funny how our sense of justice is so relative to our position.

But the thing is, justice isn’t relative. And neither is grace. Which is why we have to examine what’s going on when we let a relationship die in the face of betrayal. What does it say about our faith?

In one of his sermons, Mark Driscoll talks about the cosmic law that all sin demands a sacrifice. Something must bear the price of wrong doing. Something must set justice back at its equilibrium.

Prior to Christ, this was done by sacrificing an animal. Fortunately Christ came and took the punishment on himself, once and for all. In these sacrifices we witness the universal principle that all sin results in punishment. Something or someone must be sacrificed–it is simply a matter of who bears the brunt of it.

In light of this principle, Driscoll points out that in the face of a wrong-doing, the thing we often choose to sacrifice is our relationship. In our minds, the relationship has been so utterly destroyed by sin that we must throw it away. A friend betrays you, so you end the friendship. A spouse hurts you, so you divorce. A sacrifice is needed, so you place your broken relationship on the altar of justice, and you watch it burn.

That is not, however, necessary. When we sacrifice a relationship we forget that the sacrifice has already been made. When Christ died on the cross, he died for the sins of your friend, your co-worker, your family member, and your spouse. The sacrifice has already been made for that sin, which means that no other sacrifice is needed.

And that is what sets Christian relationships apart from worldly relationships. Because of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, we are free to love and forgive one another even when we hurt one another. Why? Because we don’t have to bear the brunt of a person’s sin–Christ already has. A sacrifice has been made.

So in the same way that Christ has already died for every wrong that we will ever commit, Christ has done the same for the people in our lives. And in the same way that we have freedom in knowing that we’ve been forgiven, we shouldn’t punish the people around us for a sin from which Christ has already set them free. When we let the relationship die, it’s as if we’re saying that Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t enough.

That is not to say that we should immediately trust people who betray us, or that we should act as if nothing is wrong when we’ve been hurt, but it should keep us in check when we’re tempted to feel bitter, self-righteous, or simply distant. Don’t sacrifice your marriage, your friendships, or the unity of your church over sins for which Christ has already died. His sacrifice means healing and wholeness for the relationships in our lives, so make sure you’re not forfeiting that inheritance simply because of your pride.

I published this post a little over a year ago, but it was one of my most popular entries and I continue to hear about it today, so I thought I’d post it again for those of you who missed it. This goes out to all you single gals out there–don’t settle! Even in your friendships.

I am blessed to have a friend in my life who is not inhibited by social graces like tact. If I ever need an opinion, I can depend on him to speak hard truth into my life, generally in the most blunt form possible. Fortunately, he is almost always dead-on in his observations, which is why I go back to him again and again, regardless of the form in which his wisdom is dispensed.

For example, he recently introduced me to a term that I have since found to be both descriptive and extremely accurate. The term is “girlfriend place-holder.”

According to my friend, a lot of guys will have a female friend in their life that functions as a girlfriend in virtually every way–they talk a lot, spend a great deal of one-on-one time together, even go on pseudo-dates and act flirtatious. For all intents and purposes it would seem that the guy is interested, yet he never actually wants to commit. In fact, he never even broaches the topic of dating.

Why? Because, as my friend describes it, this girl is serving as a “girlfriend place-holder.” Though probably doing so unintentionally, some guys will keep a female friend around to hold the place of a girlfriend. In a sense, they are filling their time until they meet the girl they *really* want to date.

As my friend explained it, we all want companionship in some form or another, so even if we haven’t met Mr. or Mrs. Right just yet, many of us will find someone to meet those desires until the “real thing” comes along. And guys aren’t the only ones guilty of doing this. Girls do it just as much. Ladies, I’m sure you can think back to someone in your past, if not someone RIGHT NOW, who is serving as a boyfriend place-holder for you. He’s great because he’ll pay for things when you go out, and he’s always available if you’re bored, but you have absolutely no intention of dating him.

What is interesting about this form of guy-girl relationship is that it is deceptively intimate. Unlike blatant serial flirting in which you can easily spot the players you need to avoid, place-holding seems more real and more deep. After all, it is based upon an actual friendship, so there is more to it than simply having fun.

And that is what often keeps the “place-holders” hanging on so long–because there is depth to the relationship, they hold out hope that sooner or later the guy or girl will snap out of it: “One of these days he’s going to wake up and realize what a good thing he has right in front of him.” That sort of thing. In this way, these relationships can actually result in far greater emotional damage than shallower versions of its kind. Place-holders will more easily open up and make themselves vulnerable since they feel they can trust the other person.

This ultimately leaves the “place-holder” feeling confused and hurt, and sometimes devastated. I have a number of girl friends right now who are in this exact situation. They have a close guy friend that they spend a great deal of time with, but he just won’t commit. In fact, he won’t even bring up any sort of conversation relating to the romantic nature of their relationship. Perhaps the guy is simply afraid of commitment, but in many cases, as my guy friend explains it, these guys have no intention of dating at all. They are unintentionally using these young women as girlfriend place-holders.

Now I think it’s pretty obvious that this kind of relationship is not honoring to the “place-holder” involved, so if you can think of someone in your life who plays that role, then you should seriously consider cutting it off. Even if you are both using each other, and neither person necessarily has the upper hand, you are still not treating them as the brother and sister in Christ that they are. And more importantly, if you think a guy or girl might be treating YOU as a place-holder, then get out of that relationship, and fast! That is NOT how God intended you to be treated–you are to be loved and desired extravagantly, so anyone who makes you feel inadequate or unworthy of love is falling way short of that mark.

In addition to all that, if you have a friend who is treating someone as a place-holder, call them out! Guys, don’t let your friends treat girls that way–if you look the other way when your friends do this, then you are no better than they are since you clearly don’t respect your sister enough to stand up for her. And ladies, the same goes for you. No guy deserves to be strung along, so hold your friends accountable on their behalf.

And finally, don’t forget to reflect on why it is you need a place-holder in the first place. God is always sufficient, so if He hasn’t provided you with a spouse yet, He is still more than enough for you to be content. At the end of the day, that is the key issue here, so be sure not to cover it up with a girlfriend or boyfriend place-holder. Place-holding is little more than the symptom of a dissatisfied heart.

Have you ever noticed that there’s a Christian ranking system about what constitutes the best, most holy spiritual activities?

Not that anyone publicly acknowledges this system, but you’ll see it when you get that “look” of judgment from your friends. Like when you opt out of attending a special lecture series put on by your church, or you don’t participate in an outreach event that your campus fellowship is promoting. You know the look–

“Oh. Well, have fun with whatever you’re doing.”

Subtext: “Sinner!”

There’s a tendency among Christians to rank those activities that constitute the ultimate in discipleship. And if you aren’t participating in all of these involvements in just the right order and amount, you may incur great judgment from some of your peers.

You might also be the one dispensing that judgment.

In particular, I’ve noticed this occurrence when it comes to fellowship. Fellowship is a Christian practice that we have highly devalued. If you choose to go out with the girls instead of the participating in, say, a 24 hour fast with your church, then your priorities must be WAY out of whack. Girl time is like the J.V. level of Christian discipleship–it’s for the rookies, the lukewarm, the mediocre.

This perspective is also horribly wrong, and let me tell you why:

1. Girl Time is Good For Your Health–Studies have shown that spending time with other women has positive biological effects on your body. God desires that we take care of ourselves, and the women around us, and girl time is a crucial part of that equation. One article explains:

When women are stressed, the hormone oxytocin [known as the "love" hormone] is released as part of the stress response; it buffers the typically male “fight or flight” stress response. Oxytocin production encourages women to gather and gab with other women–and when a woman does bond with her pals, studies indicate she’ll release more oxytocin, which further alleviates stress and creates tranquility.

That’s the good news about female bonding: When we talk to each other, we feel better-at least temporarily. But there’s a bigger picture effect at work. What often occurs in conversation between women, especially under stress, is commiserating. Haven’t you noticed that when you have men, motherhood, or career problems, you tend to gravitate toward friends who have the same kinds of challenges?…Friends who praise and appreciate life together get closer to each other and soar higher in their personal and professional lives. (For whole article click here)

2. Girl Time is a Scriptural Mandate–Ok, so maybe there’s no verse in 2 Chronicles that specifically commands women to spend time together (although Titus 2 comes pretty close!). But what is mandated by Scripture is fellowship. I’m not sure why we’ve come to think of having fun with other Christians as a lesser spiritual practice, but given that Jesus’ final words to his disciples were delivered in the context of a group meal, we can surmise that fellowship is pretty important.

That said, going bowling, going out to dinner, hanging out at a friend’s apartment–all of these activities are valuable forms of Christian fellowship. We may not be explicitly talking about Christ, but the way in which we listen to one another, build one another up, and create an environment of trust has the fingerprints of Christ all over it. The Body of Christ is a refuge of safety and strength, but we’re also allowed to have fun in the process!

So the next time someone tries to make you feel bad for going to the mall with your friends instead of attending a 24 hour prayer vigil or a fund raiser for AIDS in Africa, don’t let them. Granted, you shouldn’t use fellowship as a mask for spiritual laziness. Don’t swing in the opposite direction by never going to ministry events, writing them off as being too boring or self-righteous for you. That is one in the same vice.

But sometimes we need to take care of ourselves, as well as the women around us, and that can mean having a fun night with the girls. Don’t let your pride get in the way of making it a priority–you will be blessed by it!

Today I’m going to begin by taking a little survey, and I want you to be honest:

Raise your hand if you watch The Hills. (Go ahead and raise it–I can’t see you)

Apparently The Hills is one of the top rated shows on television right now, and although I don’t watch it anymore, I used to very faithfully. It’s pretty addictive.

And for those of you who are in the dark, The Hills is a reality show that follows the lives of several young women in their early 20′s living in Los Angeles. Each of the girls featured on the show has subsequently become a celebrity in her own right, being featured in commercials and invited to A-list events. It’s quite a phenomenon.

The key storyline of this show surrounds the friendship between Lauren, the main character, and her best friend Heidi. The two were inseparable roommates doing life together. That is, until a boy entered the scene.

Heidi began dating a guy named Spencer, and Lauren did not approve. Lauren felt that Spencer didn’t respect Heidi and that he would hurt her, so she took a stand. As a result, their friendship disintegrated. Now, they are bitter enemies.

Now the reason this plot line came to my mind is that this weekend I was flipping through channels when I came to a “Deleted Scenes” show about The Hills. I watched for a few moments, and caught one scene in which Lauren confronts another friend, Audrina, about a guy that she’s dating. This guy is bad news as well, but Audrina doesn’t want to hear it. She’s gonna do what she’s gonna do, and she warns Lauren about “caring too much.” Sometimes that care can push people away.

As the camera cuts to Lauren, her face provides a not-so-subtle reminder that it was this same “caring too much” that pushed Heidi away.

Oh the drama!

Now as much as I hate to say it, The Hills provides us with a very important life lesson. It addresses a dilemma that we’ve all faced at some point or another–What do you do when your roommate, best friend or family member is dating someone you don’t like?

In the Christian world, this problem typically surfaces when a friend of ours starts dating a non-Christian, or has started dating someone under dishonorable circumstances. But how are we to respond?

There is a tendency in Christians to “call someone out,” but unless you have a history of this kind of interaction working, it rarely goes over well. On the contrary, it will usually result in defensiveness, and end up getting you nowhere.

So how do we get people to listen? It is here that James’ words in chapter 1 verse 9 are wonderful directives–”be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Don’t make snap judgments–you only reveal your naiveté about the temptations of sin. And don’t condemn the person they’re dating–that’s merely a back-door insult about their personal dating standards.

Instead listen, and find out why they chose this particular path. See if you can get to the root of the issue, and gently point out the misperceptions they may have about the situation. Sin is deceitful, so sometimes we need someone to help us see the pitfalls we may have missed ourselves.

If this doesn’t work, you should gradually become more firm. And at some point, you need to be point-blank honest with them.

However, honesty will not always result in a change, and that is the problem that Lauren ran into on The Hills. At some point, your friends are going to do what they are going to do, and you have to let them. That is one of the most frustrating life lessons I’ve ever had to learn–letting someone fall. Sometimes, this is the best thing you can do for someone, because some people only learn the hard way.

In these situations, your role is simple–stand back, pray for them, and be there for them when the relationship ultimately fails. Never say “I told you so.” Just love them.

This is especially hard for us control freaks. We’ll say that we’ve surrendered something into God’s hands, but we won’t act like it. We’ll keep bringing the issue up, beating a dead horse, and alienating our friends in the process.

And that is the greatest danger here–when you continually rebuke a friend who isn’t responding, you’re not only strengthening their obstinacy as you put them in the position of defending themselves, but you drive a wedge between your friendship. You double your losses.

So if you find yourself in this situation, or any situation in which a friend or loved one is caught on a path of sin or bad judgment, be honest with them. But then, give them over to God. It is not your responsibility to make people pursue Christ. You can encourage them and challenge them, but at some point a person is going to make their own decisions. How you love them in the fallout of those decisions will have the far greatest power to transform them.

*Final note–if your friend is in a relationship that is abusive, or if they are struggling with substance abuse or eating disorders or some other behavior that is blatantly self-destructive, the rules are slightly different. In some extreme circumstance, people need protection from themselves and you must do your best to help them find clinical help. In instances of suicidal actions, it’s appropriate and necessary to intervene with force. Also, in the event of persistent, unrepentant sin, church discipline is an important step to consider, so talk to one of your pastors about it.

I wonder if Billy Crystal was right.

Think back to the movie When Harry Met Sally. In case you haven’t seen it, the film came out in the late 80′s, and it co-starred Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. The storyline spans a period of many years beginning with the couple’s initial meeting, and following them as their friendship blossoms into romance.

It’s a pretty cute movie and you should check it out if you haven’t, but there is one scene in particular that I’ve always remembered—Crystal’s very first conversation with Ryan. The two are discussing whether or not men and women can be friends, and Crystal firmly believes that it’s impossible.

Ryan is confused by this and argues that countless men and women are friends without blurring the lines, but Crystal still disagrees. Even if the couple never acts upon their romantic feelings, there will always be one person in the friendship who is interested in the other. It may not be a permanent state of pining, but at some point or another, one of them is bound to think about it.

(I would have pasted the convo here but it’s a little PG-13. Google it–you’ll laugh. Oh and for those of you who watched this movie in the theaters, I thought I’d add that this year’s college freshmen hadn’t been born yet!)

So I pose the same question to you–Was Billy Crystal right? Can men and women ever really be friends? When I look back on my closest guy friendships, men that I never even came close to dating, there was still a point in time in which he or I was interested. Nothing came of it, but it seems to confirm Crystal’s point.

On the other hand, I wonder if the act of being attracted to another person necessarily invalidates friendship. Like I said, I’ve been friends with guys who were interested in me, or vice versa, but we got over it and remained friends. I’ve also been friends with guys who were dating another person or were married, so it was never an issue to begin with. Is Crystal therefore wrong, or am I simply being naive?

The reason I bring this up today is that it highlights our complete misunderstanding of male-female friendships. From Crystal’s perspective, men and women can ONLY interact in a sexual way, and I think he is right to an extent. If we spend enough one-on-one time with anyone, the idea is bound to surface.

But does that mean ALL male-female friendships must be inherently sexual? Heck no! And this is where our culture’s understanding of friendship has gone horribly awry.

In order to understand why we’ve perverted male-female friendships we need to first look out our single years, because the way we understand male-female friendships after we get married is profoundly shaped by the way we treated male-female friendships BEFORE marriage. Let me explain….

When you’re single, almost anything goes. You’ll spend excessive amounts of time with guys you have no intention of dating (and guys do the same with girls), and we assume it’s all above board as long as we’re not hooking up. Pre-marriage friendship is therefore defined by unrestrained freedom.

Of course, this almost never works out. No one can spend that much time with another person without someone starting to wonder. Lines get crossed and feelings get hurt. Thus proving Crystal to be right.

As a result of these abuses, we carry our experiences into marriage, and it shapes the way we interact with people of the opposite sex. We remember the fallout from our male-female friendships as a single person, and therefore swing in the opposite direction. There is almost a kind of paranoia surrounding male-female friendships. The idea of grabbing lunch with a co-worker is next to adultery, and you certainly can’t call a man who isn’t your husband on the phone. Ever.

But I wonder if that is altogether healthy. In responding this way, we sexualize ALL male-female relationships, which is a foreign dynamic to the Body of Christ. Shouldn’t our primary paradigm of interaction be that of brothers and sisters? It worries me when we treat our sisters in Christ more like whores who are trying to destroy our marriages, rather than members of a community designed to build our marriages up.

Yet this perspective originates in our unhealthy single friendships. Before we get married we should already be drawing boundaries. That doesn’t mean we should NEVER be alone with another man, but it does mean being responsible and making sure we treat our male friends as brothers. I have plenty of male friends who I consider to be good friends, but with whom I haven’t spent much alone time. If I need to tell them something, I will call them, but I don’t call them all the time. I keep them at an appropriate distance that guards their hearts and mine, while still maintaining our friendship.

If we were to have boundaries for male-female friendships prior to marriage, I wonder if we would be a little less threatened by these friendships after marriage. We would continue to have boundaries, but only for the sake of being wise, not paranoid. We could also see one another primarily as brothers and sisters in Christ, which means we wouldn’t always have to feel threatened by our husband’s friendships with other women. That doesn’t mean he should be calling women to confide in them, or that he should be taking them out to candlelit dinners, but he should be free to love them as his sisters.

All of that to say, how do you single gals interact with your male friends? Are you engaging in a degree of friendship that is sustainable once you start dating someone, or will you have to pull back considerably? Platonic friendships with guys can create just as much baggage for a dating relationship as ex-boyfriends, so only foster those kinds of friendship that would honor your husband. Not only for the sake of your future husband, but for the sake of guarding your guy friends’ hearts. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with guys, but it does mean we need to change the way we relate to them. Remember, these men are your brothers, not your boyfriend place holders.

Be the appropriate friend to men that you’d want your own husband to have. Let that be your compass.