I’m starting to think the phrase “That is SO high school” is kind of a misnomer. We have somehow gotten this crazy idea that catty, dramatic, over-obsessing about minuscule, superficial matters is somehow a uniquely high school behavior.

Yet the older I get, the more I realize it’s not. Such behavior only begins in high school. For many people, the phase never really ends.

No matter the age, you can always find people who thrive on drama. It’s almost as if some women don’t know how to function without it. Maybe a woman’s best friend is hanging out with a guy she don’t like, or maybe she dislikes another woman because she looked at her the wrong way in the hallway or she didn’t say “hello” or her tone of voice always “seems fake.”

This even goes on in churches….correction: it especially goes on in churches! Several girls may have a crush on the same guitar player, so they pick apart the woman he chooses to date. Small group Bible studies morph into exclusive cliques. A woman’s devotion to Christ is questioned by those around her because of the size of her house, or because her parenting style doesn’t fit the typical Christian mold.

The list goes on and on. If you are a woman, chances are there is chattering of this sort happening in your immediate vicinity. We women feed on it.

Even though we’ve probably all contributed to this nonsense at some time or another, many of us feel more like prisoners of war than willing combatants. The substance of these arguments is often so ludicrous and inconsequential that you just want to bang your head against a wall!

But in response to many of the young ladies who come to my office and complain about the drama going on around them, feeling completely frustrated and helpless to stop it, I usually have one thing to say: You have drama in your life because you choose to.

Proverbs 26:20 tells us, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” In short, drama only survives if you feed it. Bickering, quarreling, back-biting and gossip–drama–is like a fire that will consume whatever it can. It will consume your time, your conversations, your thought life, all your energy, and eventually your community as well. And like a fire, the trick to extinguishing it is to cut off its nourishment. To end drama, you have to starve it.

This strategy has 2 key applications–

Number one: Don’t participate in an argument that isn’t your own. If one of your friends comes to you with a problem about another girl, feel free to listen, but don’t reinforce her self-righteousness. Every story has two sides, so it’s very dangerous, if not counter-productive, to give advice when you’ve only heard one perspective. Instead, encourage your friend to go directly to the person involved. If it is between two people, it should stay that way.

I have a roommate who is particularly good about this. She is perhaps the most discreet person I know, and she has no tolerance for drama. After having lived with her for 2 years, I now know better than to try and gossip about someone in her presence. If I do, she will offer nothing to the conversation, and she’ll eventually change the subject. Her discretion has served as a safeguard against drama in our house, and our surrounding relationships.

Number two: If you are directly involved in the drama, don’t involve anyone else in the situation. Go straight to the person or people who have hurt you, and gently communicate your feelings. If they refuse to listen, then you need to forgive them and move on. Don’t talk to other people about it. Don’t try to get other people on your side. Just leave it behind you in God’s hands, and consider whether there might be a better friend group for you.

I know this last part may seem extreme, but if you have friends that are constantly producing drama, beware of their influence on you! Just as Scripture tells us that a little bit of yeast ruins the whole batch of dough (1 Cor. 5:6) your friends’ behavior WILL pull you down. It is only a matter of time.

So if you have drama in your life, consider whether you are contributing to it. Not all drama is a result of your own actions, but most of us contribute at least a bit. And the greatest tragedy of all is that while we waste hours, days, months and years arguing about cliques, fighting over guys, and gossiping behind one another’s backs, we ignore the dying around us. Instead of bringing hope to the lost, we are focused on ourselves and our own problems. People are going to Hell, but we are so concerned with how short Jennifer’s dress was at church this morning, that we lose sight of the things that truly matter.

That is the real problem with drama–it’s nothing but a distraction from our true calling–to be ministers of the Gospel. So consider how you spend your time. Is drama preventing you from sharing the light of Christ with a dark and dying world? If so, it doesn’t have to stay that way. If drama only survives when it is fed, then you have some choices to make.

Every Fall, the North Carolina State Fair comes to Raleigh, North Carolina for about a week and a half, and every year I go to the Fair to do the following:

1. Look at all the mullets

2. Eat lethal amounts of fried food.

3. Hunt for a baby pig.

While the first two are fairly self-explanatory, let me explain the last one.

At the State Fair there is a giant compound that houses all the award-winning livestock for that year. As a part of the Fair, attendees can go inside to look at the cows, goats, sheep, etc. but you cannot touch them. Ordinarily, this rule would not be a problem for me, except that one of those pens contains an entire litter of baby pigs. And they are by far the CUTEST thing you’ve ever seen.

Unfortunately, you can’t get anywhere near enough to touch them. You just have to stare at them from afar, only wishing you could crawl in there and hold them. I seriously wanted to kidnap one of those adorable baby pigs. I was so smitten with them that I literally talked about it all year long.

Lucky for me, I am getting married to a man whose father used to be in charge of the State Fair livestock, so he has “connections.” (And no, that is not why I’m marrying him) Early on in our relationship I explained to him my life-long desire to pet and hold a baby pig, maybe even adopt one as a pet, and he told me he could work something out.

When the State Fair rolled around the following year, Ike called in a favor, and one night after the Fair closed we got to go inside the pig pen. Finally, after years of waiting, pining, I got to hold a baby pig.

Tragically, it was not the experience I thought it would be. Looking at a baby pig, you’d think they’d be soft and squishy and cuddly–kind of like a pink puppy. But they’re not. Their hair is coarse, their skin is rough, and the pig I held screamed the entire time like I was murdering it. I felt like one of those mortified mothers whose kid has a meltdown in the grocery store.

After that experience I was pretty disillusioned with the baby pigs. It was a major let down after years of build up.

Now even though my long journey ended in disappointment, I share this story because it actually helped me to better understand a passage of Scripture that I’d always been familiar with. Proverbs 11:22 reads–

Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

As a result of my experience at the State Fair, I have learned one very important thing–no matter how old they are, pigs are nasty. The babies may look cute if you’re standing far away, but if you get close enough to touch them, you’ll see that they’re just mini versions of their mothers–mean, moody, and dirty. They also get obscenely large.

So while a gold ring might be a stunning piece of jewelry, its beauty is lost when placed in the snout of a pig. No matter how exquisite, there is no ring that can over-compensate for the hulking mass behind it. It’s just a tiny, shiny ring on a giant, dirty pig.

This is the visual we are meant to imagine when we read Proverbs 11:22. The beauty of the ring is completely overshadowed by the pig that dons it, and it is the same in a beautiful woman without discretion.

If you look up the definition of “discretion,” you will find the following synonyms: discernment, maturity, wisdom, thoughtfulness, prudence, and care. These all describe the kind of character that honors God, and honors those around her.

With that in mind, a woman could be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, but if she’s got a sailor’s mouth, she manipulates people with her body , and she throws a fit when she doesn’t get her way, then her beauty immediately pales. Her looks cannot make up for her personality.

Now given the way our culture emphasizes beauty, this may seem hard to believe. After all, beautiful women are allowed to get away with a lot more bad behavior than their “less attractive” counterparts. Is this verse really true?

The answer is an emphatic “yes!” A woman’s beauty might open some doors for her, but it is her character that will be her ultimate success. Beauty may attract a man, but faithfulness and respect is what will enable her dating relationships, and ultimately marriage, to last. Beauty may get her a job opportunity, but her work ethic will allow her to keep it, if not excel. Beauty may give her attention and friends, but it is her trustworthiness that will determine whether they stick around.

When a woman looks back on her life and measures the successes of her beauty, versus the successes of her character, she will find that her character made all the difference. It determines whether or not those blessings will be lasting. And when measured this way, it becomes more clear that the beauty of a woman without discretion does little more for her life than a ring on the tip of a pig’s nose. Both adornments are ultimately fruitless.

If you’ve ever met me, even once, you probably know one thing about my personality–I am not shy. Although an introvert by nature, I tend to be fairly outgoing and outspoken when the occasion calls (or when it doesn’t). I’m the daughter of a go-getting entrepreneur, so I’ve tried to study and learn my dad’s leadership strengths, and I definitely have his personality.

I’m not a wall flower. At all.

With that in mind, I have deliberately avoided the following verses, which have made me feel squeamish and uncomfortable every time I’ve read them:

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. –1 Peter 3:3-4

Now I’m totally tracking with the first verse. That’s a topic I discuss with young women all the time–the importance of not founding your confidence on fleeting, superficial physical attributes.

But the second verse–that’s the one that always makes me squirm. Adorn yourself with a “gentle and quiet spirit?” I don’t like the sound of that! It sounds like a prescription for a cookie cutter personality. In order to be a good Christian woman you have to be quiet and shy and not talk too much. You have to be compliant and meek and easy to dominate.

And that’s how some Christians have interpreted these verses. Because of this passage, strong Christian women have been made to feel less feminine or ungodly because they had outgoing personalities. They were a perceived threat to male leadership.

But that’s by no means the best interpretation of those verses. Notice that it says a quiet and gentle “spirit,” not “personality.” This verse is describing the spirit and motive that drives your personality, not the personality itself. You can still be outgoing and strong and passionate, while also possessing a quiet and gentle spirit underneath.

That said, it’s also important to note that a woman can be painfully shy and quiet, while also possessing a rebellious and bitter spirit. It’s not the personality that this passage is addressing, but the guiding compass behind it. God cares about your heart.

With all of this in mind, I thought I’d draw up a little list of diagnostics, highlighting the distinctions between an outgoing woman with a quiet and gentle spirit, versus an outgoing woman without such a spirit. Look over it and then search your heart to see which category you fall into:

With a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

• Confident but not forceful
• Demonstrates leadership without being overly controlling
• Is driven by a trust in Christ, not a fear of failure
• Outspoken but humble
• Slow to speak, communicating Scriptural truth and wisdom

Without a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

• Will push and push until she gets her way
• A control freak
• Driven by fear
• Always has to be heard
• Brash, quick to speak, and quick to become angry

At their cores, the difference between these two spirits is peace versus fear. You are being driven by either one or the other, and it’s up to you to determine which one it is.

So if you’re like me, go ahead and be outgoing! Be passionate and outspoken and be a leader! But do it for the right reasons. Not because you want attention or because you have something to prove or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t. Do it because God gave you that personality and He should be glorified through it.

A quiet and gentle spirit does not equal a bland personality–it’s simply an anchor that enhances your God-given uniqueness, so embrace it!

Up until about 3 months ago, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d gotten a manicure. I always thought that manicures were for prissy girls with too much time and money on their hands, so I only had my nails done when I was in a wedding and was required to do so.

That all changed just before I got engaged. I knew that a lot of people would be looking at my hand once there was a ring on it, and I began to notice just how jacked up my nails appeared. I am really bad about biting them, so I’ve always had rather manly looking, construction worker hands. That was not the kind of thing that I wanted people staring at.

So ever since then I’ve been getting manicures on a fairly regular basis. And in doing so, God has opened my eyes to some interesting missional opportunities for Christian women.

I came to this realization today as I sat across from a young Vietnamese woman while I had my nails painted. I was listening to my iPod with the headphones in my ears, which served as a kind of barrier between the two of us. Occasionally she would ask me a question or make a comment, but I couldn’t really hear her because of my iPod, so eventually she gave up. We sat across from one another in silence.

This may have been the full extent of the story had the Holy Spirit not entered the seen. As I sat their absorbed in my podcast I began to feel a tugging on my heart, and I considered the situation before me–here I was, a Christian, sitting across from a woman who may not know Christ. I have her as a captive audience for at least 30 minutes, but instead I’m just sitting there listening to a podcast. That’s when the conviction hit.

As soon as I had the opportunity I shut down my iPod and began engaging the woman in conversation. She told me about her family and her life here in America. Then she asked about me, and I told her I was a Christian, and that I was also a minister. We spent the whole rest of the time getting to know one another.

When I left the salon I had not shared the Gospel with her, but I do not consider my time a failure. Why? Because I plan to go back. I just discovered a new mission field.

It’s hard to present the Gospel in a natural, genuine way when you talk to someone for the first time, which is why we need to be intentional about the people with whom we come into contact. It’s much easier to share your faith with someone in whom you’ve invested time and conversation, and I just laid the first brick of that relational foundation this afternoon. I’m now in a position to build on it.

That said, it’s important that we women recognize the missional opportunities before us and take advantage of them. If you like to get manicures, pick ONE manicure salon, pick one girl to do your nails each time, and then go there regularly. Forge a relationship with her until you get a chance to share the Gospel. Keep going back again and again so that you can invite her to church. Find out if her family has any needs that your church can provide her with. Listen to her if she’s having a bad day. Be her friend.

And if you don’t like getting manicures, there are plenty of other options. Pick one place to get your hair done and work on sharing the Gospel with your hair stylist. If there’s one store at which you like to shop, or one restaurant that you really love, drop in often and get to know the people who work there. I personally like taking my students to a pet store where they let you play with the puppies while you talk and hang out, so I’m trying to get to know one of the girls who works there.

Take a look at your schedule and figure out how you can be more intentional about it. Living missionally does not necessarily mean going overseas–it means living on mission. So find ways to set yourself up for these opportunities. Being a girly girl doesn’t have to mean you’re self-focused–it does mean that God has a special mission designed just for you!

Several years ago I attended a convention for religious broadcasters in the United States. I was representing the ministry I worked for at the time, which had a radio segment that aired all over the country. We were at the convention to network, meet other broadcasters, and get the ministry’s name out there.

To my surprise, the convention itself was actually very exciting. I got to meet well-known Christian authors, I saw a pre-screening of The Passion movie, and I had fascinating conversations with ministries from all over the U.S. Overall, it was a great experience.

However, there is one thing about the convention that stands out in my mind, one thing that I will never forget. It serves as a kind of accountability for me in my own ministry today…

Because the convention was for religious broadcasters, there were a number of Christian t.v. shows present, along with their hosts. And let me tell you, the women who hosted those shows were BEAUTIFUL! They walked around that convention hall with perfect hair, perfect make-up and perfect clothes. They were incredibly put together and flawless, these successful Christian women, and that is when the first seed of self-doubt planted itself in my heart.

I looked at those women, who were smart and driven and had already accomplished a lot in ministry, and then I looked at myself–my hair was flat, my clothes were boring, and Lysa, the president of the ministry, had to help me put on my make-up because I was so pathetic at it. I was far from perfect.

So as I observed those flawless women and then compared myself to them, I thought to myself, “If this is what it means to be a successful women’s minister, then I clearly don’t measure up.”

I still find myself thinking that today. I look at women like Beth Moore, who is not only a powerful writer and speaker, but is also drop-dead gorgeous, and I feel as though I fall miserably short. I believe the lie that the perfect Christian woman has got to be the whole package, which poses a problem for me since I bite my finger nails, I can never figure out how to get my hair to look right, and I’m barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel. The whole package? That, I am not.

On a head level, I think we all know how faulty that logic is. Scripture is full of verses about how God looks at the inside and not the outside. That message is clear. But the reason my experience at the convention was so definitive for me as a women’s minister is that it made me pause and wonder–Do I ever make other women feel insecure about themselves? Do I convey the message that looking put together and perfect is an important part of being a Christian woman? Do I spend so much time primping and looking cute that I compromise my witness? While I may tell young women that outward beauty doesn’t matter, do my actions undermine my words?

Well I recently discovered that Paul talks about this very thing in 1 Corinthians 2 when he explains to the Corinthian church the he did not come to them with “eloquence” or “persuasive words.” This point is significant because Paul was extremely educated and well-versed in the art of rhetoric. He was very capable of speaking articulately and persuasively. But he instead chose to keep it simple.

Why? Because he didn’t want the presentation to distract people from the message. He didn’t want his listeners to be so impressed by his rhetorical gifts that they missed out on what he was actually saying.

And Christian women do well to keep this teaching in mind. We must not let the presentation distract people from the message. This principle can play out in any number of ways, but one of the most salient examples is the way we present ourselves outwardly. If we are trying to encourage one another to focus on inward beauty, but we spend excessive amounts of time on our outward beauty, then we will undermine our message. Rather than spurring women toward the Gospel, we’ll be encouraging their insecurities, self-doubt, and vanity.

Now that is not to say that we should wear burlap sacks and stop washing our hair–it’s definitely ok to look nice! God created us to be beautiful and we should celebrate that fact. But I am writing this as a kind of heart check. We need to examine our motives in how much time we spend on our outward beauty. Are you spending time on your outward appearance for the glory of God, or in order to feel better about yourself? And more importantly, do you spend as much time working on your inward beauty as do you your outward beauty?

I, for one, hope that in my time as a women’s minister, I have never misled women into thinking that being the “perfect Christian woman” means looking flawless and put together. If I have, I apologize greatly and ask for forgiveness. But the truth of the matter is that there is no “perfect Christian woman.” By that I mean that there isn’t ONE standard to which we should all strive. God created us to be unique and diverse because each one of us reflects His infinite majesty in our own special way. If we aspire to fit in a cookie cutter mold, then we’ll erase the unique beauty in each one of us, and thereby steal a little bit of glory away from God. The only standard that we should all be seeking is holiness, so if there is any message that I want my life to convey, it is the importance of pursuing Him. Anything else is just a distraction.

This blog entry was previously posted in February of 2008.

I am currently in the middle of a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive woman. In the last post I discussed women who are possessive about their male friends. This post serves as the second topic in this series. 

Part 2: You’re possessive about your crushes

On a fairly consistent basis I hear stories from young women that go something like this:

Me: So what’s going on with you and Freddy?

College student: Well, Freddy and I really like each other, but after we started hanging out one of my friends said that she liked him.

Me: Oh, so Freddy has been hanging out with her too?

College student: Well, not exactly. They talk sometimes, and she thinks something could be there, so she wants me to back off. She doesn’t want me to mess things up for her and him.

Me: Have they gone out on any dates?

College student: No.

Me: Does he call her or anything?

College student: No.

Me: But she thinks that something is there?

College student: Yes, so I’m gonna have to back off from Freddy.

This style of relating to guys reminds me of when I used to fight over the front seat with my brother: “I call shotgun!” “No I called shotgun first!” “NO I CALLED SHOTGUN!!!”

It’s like survival of the fittest, dating style. Whoever grabs the guy first gets the prize. If you don’t call dibs and mark your territory, then you get picked out of the dating pool like a weak antelope in the African Savannah.

Having said that, I have to be totally honest–this behavior is absurd. Not only are you acting in a possessive fashion over a man on whom you have no claim, but you are placing your friend in a terrible position as well. You’re essentially forcing her to choose between you two, and that isn’t fair or right.

Now I know that it is hard. I have been in the position of pining after a guy, only to stand by and watch as one of my friends swooped in and stole his heart. It was devastating.

But that did not give me the right to thwart their relationship. Whatever connection I had with my crush was only in my mind. I had read into every single glance, smile, and conversation with him. My imagination had carried me away as I dreamed of our future together.

And that is where this form of possessiveness is founded–in our imaginations. It is in no way rooted in reality. Even if you are spending a lot of time with the guy, it’s generally pretty clear if he’s pursuing you romantically as opposed to platonically–he takes you out on dates, tells you how he feels, etc. Yes, there are some guys who will string you along because they just don’t want to commit, but regardless of a man’s behavior you need to guard your thought life either way. If he isn’t pursuing you in a CLEAR manner, then don’t let your heart and mind go there. Don’t allow yourself to construct a situation that does not exist.

When you indulge those fantasies you risk getting hurt, as well as hurting the friends around you.

Just like the last post, the most important lesson we can learn from this behavior is that it projects an accurate picture of your heart.  A woman gets territorial when she wants to control her love life, instead of surrendering it into the hands of God. It’s also a matter of jealousy–if you can’t have him then you don’t want anyone else to.

Ultimately, it’s not about the guy at all. It’s about two very specific things:

1) Your belief in a sovereign God who has great plans for you and will take care of you. If you try and break up another couple, then you aren’t trusting God with your future.

2) Your view of other Christian women. As we discussed in the last post, you should not view other women as competition that is trying to consume a scarce supply of men. The goal is not marriage; the goal is God’s glory. And in that battle we are all on the same team. We should therefore treat one another as allies, not enemies.

And don’t forget to love your neighbor as yourself. If you would like to have a husband, then you should be just as happy when one of your sisters meets the man of her dreams.

Now I will say that there is a time when it is right to talk to your friend if you think the silence will cause unspoken bitterness between you. But be sure that the conversation is not an ultimatum. The goal of the discussion should be a stronger friendship and a greater trust in God, not a veiled attempt at manipulating her. Only you can know your heart on that one, but if you’re at all tempted to control the situation, it might be better to say nothing at all and let God deal with your heart.

Again, remember that God is in control. He will take care of you. When you try to force a situation, you risk forfeiting a growing relationship with Him, as well as a wonderful frienship with another woman. If that is the cost of pursuing your crush, then it’s not worth it. God has more for you than that.

The next and final post will cover the topic of being possessive about your boyfriend or fiance. This one comes right out of my life right now, so I’ll be preaching to myself on this one!

It has recently come to my attention that I am a possessive girl. But not in the way you would expect. I don’t freak out when my fiancé, Ike, talks to another girl, and I don’t accuse him of staring at other beautiful women. No, my possessiveness is far more subtle.

All this time I’d thought I was better than those “other women,” but it turns out I’m just like them in a lot of ways. And I suspect you are too.

Why? Because our relationships with men often combine a careful blend of jealousy and the need to control. We want men to prefer us, and oftentimes we try to make them. Or, we simply like to be in control, period.

In case you think this doesn’t sound like you, I have decided to put together a list of ways that you might have seen that nasty possessive side rear its ugly head in your own life. I am making it a three part blog series because each point warrants a lot of its own attention. The series will be composed of the following list:

1. You’re possessive about your guy friends

2. You’re possessive about your crushes

3. You’re possessive about your boyfriend/fiancé.

I myself have qualified under all three categories at various stages in my life, so I encourage you to read through them and be honest. This topic is important, not because we need to be less possessive, but because our possessive tendencies say a lot about our relationship with God, and others.

Part 1: You’re possessive about your guys friends

This form of possessiveness typically manifests itself as “big sister” protection. You may have absolutely no romantic interest in your friend, but you take it upon yourself to protect him from all the “unworthy women” who try to enter his life. You become very vocal about the girls he dates, stating that they need to “get your approval.” Or, you find yourself gossiping about the girls trying to get his attention–”She is SO desperate. I just can’t stand the way she throws herself at him.”

Now we often deceive ourselves into thinking that this behavior is for his own good. We’re just looking out for him. In reality, it is a manifestation of jealousy, the need to control, or both.

The jealousy dynamic tends to be the most obvious. Even in platonic friendships there is some part of us that doesn’t want to be outranked by another girl.

But even if you would be happy for your friend to find the right woman, we often act as if guys aren’t smart enough to navigate the dating process on their own. We think some Jezebel is gonna pull the wool over his eyes, so if we don’t step in he’ll end up marrying a total floozy! This behavior is all about control. It reveals that you don’t trust your friend’s judgment, nor do you trust God’s sovereignty in his life.

In addition to those issues, this behavior is a disturbing commentary on how we view other women. We treat them as if they’re dangerous predators, not our sisters in Christ. The truth is, our sisters need just as much guidance, support and love as our brothers, and it is far more appropriate for us to give that kind of care to other women than to men. But we instead treat other girls as competition, rather than co-laborers in Christ.

And what if your guy friend is interested in a non-Christian girl? Well that’s ALL THE MORE REASON to reach out to her. Yes, caution your friend against missionary dating–or better yet, encourage his other guy friends to do so–but in the mean time remember that this may be her only exposure to the sweet fellowship she might find among Christian woman, so don’t spoil that opportunity.

Those are just a few of the dynamics involved in possessiveness over male friends. I am guilty of giving into this temptation many, many times–I am a total control freak. But if you find yourself being possessive about guy friends, let it be a barometer of your heart. This behavior is not really about guys at all–it’s about the state of your heart toward God. Work on that, and the possessiveness will take care of itself.

Stay tuned for the next post on being possessive about your crushes!

So I might be the only woman in the whole world who feels this way, but I hate it when women’s ministers talk about how we’re all “princesses.” As soon as that word hits the air, I immediately start imagining girls with bad perms in fluffy pink dresses with giant puffy sleeves stuck in a tower somewhere.

That is not the kind of woman I want to be. I do not want to be a wimpy princess woman.

Having said that, my sub-conscious feminist side was jolted the other day upon reading the story of Abram and Sarai. These two kids started out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, God’s promise of many children and many blessings sitting at the forefront of their minds. They were ready to take on the world!

But as the years went by, no kids came along. Abram and Sarai were getting older and older, and God’s promise no longer seemed so secure. So Sarai decided to take things into her own hands–she compelled Abram to sleep with her servant, Hagar, to fulfill God’s promise. Hagar got pregnant, and the rest is history.

The result was a complete disaster.

To read the whole story just turn to Genesis 16. If it wasn’t already obvious, it’s a great cautionary tale for wives who want to pawn their husbands off on other men. It generally doesn’t go over well.

But what is most fascinating to me about this story is God’s response. Rather than come down hard on Abram and Sarai, He does just the opposite–He reminds them that he will still fulfill His promise to them, even in spite of their unfaithfulness.

How does he do this? By changing their names. He changes Abram’s name to Abraham, which means “father of many nations.” He also changes Sarai’s name to Sarah, which means “princess.”

Now this move leads us to a very interesting question–why re-name Sarai “princess?” After all, she’d just mucked up the whole situation horribly. Doesn’t she deserve a good talking to? Is God simply letting her off the hook? And why “princess?” Aside from the fact that she wasn’t acting very princessy, could He have at least come up with a slightly cooler name, like Xena Warrior Princess or Shera Princess of Power? Not plain ol’ wimpy princess!

However the reason behind God’s actions are significant and profound, carrying great meaning for women today. And not just the kind that involves puffy sleeves. Picture it this way…

In the weeks following the Hagar debaucle, Sarai’s probably pretty down on herself. She’s just sent Hagar away in the wilderness, so she’s realized that the plan did not pan out the way she anticipated. She is a total screw up, and now she’s worried that she might have thrown away all that God had promised.

So what does God do? He reminds her of one unalterable truth: Sarah may mess up fromt time to time, but her identity remains the same. She will always be the daughter of the King. She will always be a princess.

You see God wasn’t talking about the kind of princess who waits all day long for her prince to arrive while she brushes her golden locks and sings to forest animals. The term “princess” is instead descriptive of her relationship to the King.

To think of it another way, it is kind of like being the President’s daughter. Sasha and Malia get extra special treatment and are watched by the entire country, not because of anything they’ve done, but simply because of who their dad is. What’s more, those girls will not cease to be the President’s daughters if they ever misbehave or embarrass him. No matter what, they will always be President Obama’s daughters, and they will receive the honor that is due that position.

It was the same for Sarah, and it is the same for us. Once you accept Christ, you are the King’s precious daughter. You can screw up and be unfaithful, but your identity will remain the same. You will be His sweet princess, not in a wimpy kind of way, but in a way that declares to the world, “I don’t care what you say about me, and I don’t care about your standards of value or beauty. I am the daughter of the most High King and nothing will ever change that.”

If you ever doubt your identity, your value, or your worth, remember Sarah. In the face of her sin God did not condemn her. He did just the opposite, and He is doing it now for you. You truly are a princess, and I mean that in the most non-cheesy, non-wimpy way possible.

In the past I’ve talked a lot about the ways in which the media has objectified women and given us an unrealistic standard for which we should strive. We see this subliminal messaging in the form of emaciated models and self-destructive actresses, so while it is prevalent, it’s also easy to pinpoint.

However, not all of the media’s subliminal messages are that easy to spot. In addition to promoting the sexual anorexic look, the media sends harmful messages in a range of forms, some that you may not expect or even notice.

Rather than drive this point home with a long blog that you’re probably too stuffed with turkey to read, I will today defer to a video series entitled “Target Women.” Ladyblog summarized these videos as follows:

Via the December/January issue of Bust (actual article not online):

Do the women populating commercials nowadays—those personality-free mombots who talk about Hamburger Helper as if it were a cure for cancer—seem a little off to you? Sarah Haskins feels your pain.

But instead of motrin-momming it up, Haskins writes and stars in Daily-Show-style segments called ‘Target: Women” (on Current TV’s Infomania) that amusingly mock women’s advertising.

Haskins hones in on the messages that women are receiving, and her style of satire highlights the ways in which such advertising affects us.

What follows is “Target: Women–Yogurt Edition.” I know that sounds lame, but I seriously fell off my chair laughing, and it shows just how subtle advertising can be in its attempt to seduce female consumers:

For more great videos, check out Haskin’s video about birth control commercials, which examines the industry’s tendency to talk more about regulating your period than preventing the birth of children. I’ve never noticed that before, but I would bet there are some very intentional reasons behind it.Also check out her video on chick flicks. It highlights the degree to which romantic comedies deceive women with unrealistic expectations for dating and romance.

For more videos, you can check Haskins out on youtube. She is not a Christian so I apologize for the occasional crass comment, but her work is valuable. We must never blindly consume that which the media is feeding us. Be critical. Ask questions.

That’s what it means to be a faithful woman of God, even if you do like yogurt.

I don’t know about you, but for many years when I would attend Christian conferences, I avoided the women’s break-out sessions like the plague.

(And just to be clear, I am speaking to women right now. If you’re reading this and you’re a guy, then I really hope you avoided the women’s break-out sessions. That would be weird if you didn’t.)

The reason I was so deliberate in not attending was two-fold: One, I was fairly certain I already knew what they were gonna say. Something about submission or modesty. Two, I hated being defined by my womanhood. I wanted to attend sessions that taught me how to be a better Christian first, and a woman second.

In my mind, women’s ministry equated with a mushy, emotional, let’s-all-hug kind of theology. Some of it was helpful, but after awhile you’d heard it all and it was time to move on. I’d gotten all the mush that I needed for one lifetime.

Well since that season of my life, I’ve re-evaluated my stance, but not because I’ve come to embrace the emotion-driven theology that I once spurned. I have not. I still hate it, and I have to fight every fiber in my being that resists it—sometimes women really do need a good cry or an old fashioned hug fest. I need to accept this.

But the real reason I’ve come to value women’s ministry anew is that it is our best tool for equipping women within the Church. Yes, our pastors can do this and male leaders are able to teach us, but women will never know what it means to be a woman in leadership if some of us don’t step up and set an example with our lives.

For generations, the vision cast for women has been painfully small. Not all of us have realized our full potential in serving the Kingdom of God because we don’t even know what that really looks like. It’s not often that we’ve heard female preachers teach with power and authority, and there aren’t a lot evangelical women with doctorates in theology. We’ve seen men do these things many times, but not women.

It’s not that women are too stupid to study theology, or that we aren’t capable of teaching. It’s that we didn’t even know that we could. That is the climate that we younger women are coming out of. Only in very recent years have the number of women in seminaries come to equal that of men.

The issue here is not the rights of women. Don’t hear me as preaching some sort of she-woman empowerment message. That is not my agenda. The reason we should be educating ourselves and pushing ourselves in the study of God is because GOD DESERVES NO LESS! Mediocrity has no place in His Church. Women who are content with the status quo, you will not find your place here. We must consistently challenge ourselves to grow and learn and teach so that we can pursue God more fully and cast a vision for other to do so as well.

But this kind of vision cannot come from men. Why? Because men are not women. In the same way that I can’t exemplify to the men in my ministry what it means to be a godly, male leader, men cannot exemplify to women what it means to be a godly, female leader. Men can teach us many things about Christ and Christian discipleship, but how that plays out in a specifically female context is best taught by women. That’s why Scripture advises women to teach other women in Titus 2.

We need women to step up and do that job.

Yes, women’s ministry does matter. It matters a lot. We are waging a spiritual battle for the glory of God, and we must all be as equipped as possible if we are to fight this good fight. We must be pushing each other and challenging one another to grow and be stronger and dream big dreams. God requires this of women just as much as he requires it of men, not for the sake of women, but for the sake of His name. So until we are maximizing our gifts and abilities, it is not ourselves who are being robbed, but God.

That, ladies, is why women’s ministry matters. And that is where women’s ministry is going.