Today I read an article that made me very sad. It was written by a woman whom I respect, though we disagree on some things. This particular article (about which I will not disclose any more details than what I have here) arrived at some conclusions that I do not share, but what disappointed me was the author’s tone. It was not loving toward other women. Going beyond disagreement, she was sarcastic and condescending. Rather than respectfully disagreeing, this usually mature woman in Christ chose to belittle women who take a different position than hers.

That behavior is wrong. It is not Christlike, and as women of the church we need to be better than that.

Whenever women back-bite in the name of theological or ideological difference, Satan wins a small victory. While our own sense of self-righteousness often justifies this behavior in our minds, mud-slinging and ridicule are always unfitting for the church. Throughout history, tremendous destruction has resulted from rifts between women, so we need to take this problem very seriously.

It wasn’t until I recently researched the Biblical examples of female friendship that I realized just how serious this issue is. Last week I spoke at the Fall Kickoff Event for the women’s ministry at my church, and I talked about the dynamics of female friendship. In particular, I examined the two types of female relationships that we see in the Bible: A competitive model of friendship, and a Christ-centered model of friendship. For the Christ-centered model I looked at Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1), Mary and Elizabeth (Luke 1), and the women at the cross and resurrection (Matthew 27-28). Each of these female friendships is so encouraging to me, and a powerful example of the legacy we women step into. These Biblical women maximized their relationships for the Kingdom of God in bold and valiant ways.

On the flip side, Scripture also presents us with a competitive model of friendship. The relationships between Sarai and Hagar (Gen. 16), Rachel and Leah (Gen. 30), and Euodia and Syntyche (Phil. 4) all unraveled due to jealousy and competition. And as a result, each competitive model of friendship had disastrous consequences.

For instance, Rachel and Leah were sisters. Both were struggling with real issues–Rachel with infertility, and Leah with a loveless marriage. But rather than support one another through genuinely difficult problems, they opposed one another. They competed for the attention of Jacob, and became further entrenched in their own selfisheness.

In the case of Euodia and Syntyche, two leaders in the Philippian church, their fighting threatened to undermine the entire unity of the church. We don’t know the source of the problem, but we do know it had the potential to cause major division.

And finally, consider the repercussions of Sarai’s actions toward Hagar. This particular relationship is not a traditional friendship in the sense that there was a power difference between. What’s more, Sarai was obviously the transgressor. Even so, this female relationship was rife with jealousy, and we continue to feel the ripple effects of Sarai’s actions even today. The Islamic religion traces its roots back to Hagar’s son, Ishmael, and when you consider how much war and violence has transpired between Islam and the Judeo-Christian faiths, the negative consequences of one sour female relationship are inestimable.

As we look at the three Christ-centered models of friendship, we see many wonderful fruits: encouragement, perseverance, faithfulness, courage, intimacy with one another, and intimacy with God. Ruth became an ancestor of Christ, Mary was the mother of Christ, and the women at the cross and resurrection became the original evangelists, the first people to share the Good News of Christ while the disciples were still hiding in fear.

On the other hand, the three competitive models of female relationships also have fruits: selfishness, division, and destruction.

As I compared the fruits of these two models, I was struck by the distinction. The fruits of the former model are consistent with the character of Christ. The fruits of the latter model are consistent with the character of his Enemy.

The female relationships we see in Scripture are an important reminder that female conflict is not neutral. Our petty in-fighting and name-calling is not a failure to achieve an ideal; it is tangibly destructive. God can use the love and encouragement and passion of female friendships to do incredible things in the Kingdom of God, but Satan can just as easily pervert female friendship to wreak havoc.

Knowing this, I want you to pause and weigh the cost the next time you speak negatively about a sister. Consider why you are doing it, whether it is consistent with the character of Christ, whether it is loving, and whether it will build up the church or divide it. Our relationships have POWER, so we cannot take them lightly. There is something about the female heart that seems especially prone to attack women with whom we disagree or feel jealous, and that is nothing but sin. Plain and simple. We can disagree, most certainly, but watch carefully how you do it. God is not glorified by the ugliness of pot-shots and gossip, but Satan revels in it.

Right now I’m in North Carolina for a very brief visit, and with all this running around I haven’t had much time to sit down and compose a blog. So in the spirit of my last post, I thought I would re-post an entry from 3 years ago when I fasted from gossip during Lent. I know that sounds weird, but I explain myself below. Maybe it will give you an idea!

Also, as an update to my last post, my husband decided to give up t.v. for Lent…which basically means I am giving up t.v. for Lent. Feel free to ask us how it’s going–accountability on these things is always a wonderful help!

I’ll be back on here when I return safely to Chicago!

~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I watched one of the most insightful and convicting commentaries on human behavior that I’ve seen in quite some time. And of all places, it was on the Rachael Ray Show.

I don’t normally watch Rachael Ray, but I saw a preview for this particular episode that hooked me right away. She interviewed four friends who decided to diet from gossiping. The way the diet worked was that they would abstain from gossiping for 7 days straight. BUT, if someone broke the diet then they all had to start over. At one point they made it all the way to midnight of Day 6, but someone broke the diet and they were back to square one.

Interestingly, the parameters of the diet were more strict than I would have expected. Not only were they to abstain from talking about people behind their backs, but they also had to avoid reading celebrity gossip magazines and websites. And while seven days doesn’t seem too difficult, it proved to be quite a challenge for these women.

As I followed the story of what the ladies learned during this experiment, I was dumbfounded by their insights. One woman noticed that she developed new ways to gossip without breaking the rules. For instance, instead of turning to her co-worker and saying, “Can you believe how ugly Alice’s sweater is???” she would instead point at the sweater and make funny faces, or she would laugh in a way that communicated her thoughts. No, she wasn’t outright gossiping, but she was still engaging in the spirit of gossip.

Another woman remarked that, in the course of the experiment, her co-workers decided that she was no longer fun to be around. What a telling commentary on the nature of her relationship with them! It certainly forced me to pause and ask myself if my friends would enjoy my company as much if I were to abstain from talking about others.

A third woman came to the wise conclusion that she could best succeed at the gossip diet if she avoided people who would tempt her to gossip. She realized that if she was even around people who were gossiping, she would crack under the pressure and give in, so she began to stay away from people that might pull her down. Again, quite a convicting word of truth–am I spending time with people who encourage me toward godliness, or do my friends and I simply feed off of one another in our slander of other people?

The final statement that really convicted me came from a woman who explained, “I understand that it’s wrong to gossip about your friends, but I don’t feel bad about celebrities because they’re not like real people.” Well Miss Rachael Ray jumped all over that statement and exposed it for its faulty logic. Not only are celebrities real people who get very hurt by the gossip about them, but gossiping about a celebrity is really no different than gossiping about a friend–you are tearing down a person who does not have the chance to defend themselves. That is the definition of gossip.

With all of that in mind, I have a challenge for you. In a week and a half we will be starting the season of Lent, a 40 day period in which many Christians decide to fast in preparation for the celebration of Easter. This year, I am going to fast from gossip.

To an extent, this is somewhat of an absurd fast, because we shouldn’t be gossiping in the first place–it’s not like fasting from chocolate or television. But even so, I want to set aside 40 days of intentional non-gossiping. I am going to ask my friends to hold me accountable in this, and I would encourage you to try it yourself.

And make no mistake, it’s going to be hard. Females in particular are masters at the art of subtle gossip–we can make it look like a prayer request, or that we have been victimized by another woman and we are turning to our friends for moral support, but in the end it is all just dirty gossip. As women of God, as members of the body of Christ, we should be sickened that we do this to one another–funny how it took me watching a cooking show to realize it.

In November I posted a blog in which I cited the following statistic:

A study in the New York Daily News found that  “80% of normal conversations consist of gossip.”

Ever since I discovered that statistic I cannot get it out of my head! I think about it all the time in my conversations with others. Every time the topic drifts toward a discussion of other people (who are not present), I always wonder, “Is this the 80%?”

This statistic has not only convicted me about the subject matter of my daily conversations, but it has also led me to ask WHY my conversations so often center around people who are not present.

As I thought about this and discussed it with my mom one day, she made the remark that people feed on others’ drama because their own lives aren’t interesting enough to them. I think there’s some truth to that. Whenever I’m in the car with my husband and the conversation hits a lull, I immediately turn the conversation to whatever drama is happening in our friends’ or family’s lives at the time: “What do you think about so-and-so’s girlfriend?” or “What do you think is going on between those two family members?”

I should add that my husband HATES when I do this, and makes this clear by asking, “Why do you care so much???” But I just can’t seem to stop myself. It’s so easy!

And therein lies the answer, at least part of it, to my gossip problem. The reason my conversation drifts into the realm of gossip is that it’s easy. Creating quality conversation in which I am getting to know my spouse or discussing spiritual matters with him takes effort. Plus, it’s not always entertaining, whereas drama, by its very name, is.

My temptation to gossip also betrays a discomfort with silence. Rather than sit in silence, I create noise and distractions to keep my attention occupied. Not because silence between me and my husband feels particularly uncomfortable, but because I almost never allow myself to be silent. I always have the radio on or the t.v. blaring, rather than allowing myself to be alone with my thoughts and prayers. Why? Because silence confronts us with the thoughts and fears from which we have been running. It forces us to think and process the aspects of our lives and faith that challenge us. So whether I fill the air with music or low quality conversation, I am fleeing from the hard working of being still and absorbing the deeper things of life.

In summary, gossip is ultimately about laziness. Rather than actually get to know my husband and enjoy his company, I take the easy route out and talk about others. And like my mom said, it is also easy to gossip about others when your own life isn’t very interesting to you. Which begs the question–What am I doing that is exciting or interesting to me? How is God using me or changing me that makes me want to tell others? What vision has God given me that I want to spread around? What mission has God dreamed up for me and my husband, and how are we pursuing it as a team?

Not every day of the Christian life is going to be an action-packed one, but if you don’t have answers to those questions then that might also be a clue. As followers of an infinite God we are never lacking in adventures, so the temptation to gossip certainly challenges me to wonder if I am missing out on some of the abundant life God has for me.

Alright, it’s honesty time. In the spirit of being transparent about my own short-comings I hope you don’t think I’m a big fat jerk! So here goes…

One of the things that I have to actively resist doing on a fairly regular basis is criticizing other women who dress inappropriately. It’s so tempting to snicker in my husband’s ear whenever a woman comes to a wedding dressed like she just came from the club. I’m also prone to the exaggerated eye roll when we’re standing in line behind a woman wearing a shirt that is at LEAST two sizes too small.

Sadly, the primary reason I DON’T make these comments is that I know how unattractive it is to my husband. Unless there is something overtly comical about the situation, he usually just ignores my comments. As a result, my mean-hearted nature is reined in, not by my desire to honor God, but by my desire not to look pathetic.

It’s funny how these elementary school behaviors follow us into adulthood. It wasn’t so long ago that my mom comforted my 7 year-old self saying, “Those girls are tearing you down just to make themselves feel better about themselves!” Twenty years later, it’s still happening. And my mom was totally right–as much as I would like to say that my comments are an expression of righteous indignation, they’re just a sign of insecurity.

While there is no part of me that wants to be the hoochie mama at the wedding, I DO want to know that my husband is still attracted to me. I want to know that he sees right through that kind of exterior and values my godly character more highly. I want to be reassured that he appreciates my modesty and my desire to honor him in the way I carry myself. So I use mean-spirited comments to provoke the affirmation I crave. That makes TOTAL sense, right?

The temptation to make sarcastic comments about another woman’s outfit, shoes, hair, cleavage, etc. is a clear indicator of a deeper issue. After all, what did that woman ever do to you? Such displays of competitive behavior reveal an underlying insecurity about ourselves, and it’s important to grapple with them. What is causing you to feel insecure? Why do you need your husband or boyfriend to recognize another woman’s short-comings? What are you relying on for confidence instead of God? These are all important questions to consider before mouthing off about another woman.

But before I close, I want to end with a special word to my guy readers. I understand that female cattiness is ugly and ridiculous and we need to cut it out. However, you can also help us. From the time we are single, Christian women are confronted with a great divide between what guys say they want in a Christian girl, and the girls they actually pursue. I have a distinct memory of sitting outside a Sunday School room listening to a bunch of guys go on and on about a popular busty, blonde pop star, crowing about how “smokin’ hot” she was. In one fell blow, my efforts to have a beautiful character were reduced to smithereens. They felt meaningless.

And that feeling doesn’t necessarily go away in marriage. While my husband doesn’t talk about all the actresses he finds attractive, I know that I don’t look like them. And that makes me sometimes wonder if he wishes that I did.

The onslaught of unrealistic standards of beauty does not go away when you get married. As long as we live in this culture it will be ever-present for every woman. And while it is the primary responsibility of a Christian woman to rest in her Creator’s arms and trust that He made her perfectly, we still need our brothers’ help. Whether you are single or married, make sure you are affirming the significant women in your life. Tell them they’re beautiful, but more importantly compliment their character.

I’ll end with the below verse that is one of my favorites. It is a convicting reminder when faced with the temptation to slander another woman. Not only does it remind me of the kind of woman I should be, but that I should affirm my sisters with praise instead of tearing them down with sarcasm.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

- Proverbs 31:30

I’m starting to think the phrase “That is SO high school” is kind of a misnomer. We have somehow gotten this crazy idea that catty, dramatic, over-obsessing about minuscule, superficial matters is somehow a uniquely high school behavior.

Yet the older I get, the more I realize it’s not. Such behavior only begins in high school. For many people, the phase never really ends.

No matter the age, you can always find people who thrive on drama. It’s almost as if some women don’t know how to function without it. Maybe a woman’s best friend is hanging out with a guy she don’t like, or maybe she dislikes another woman because she looked at her the wrong way in the hallway or she didn’t say “hello” or her tone of voice always “seems fake.”

This even goes on in churches….correction: it especially goes on in churches! Several girls may have a crush on the same guitar player, so they pick apart the woman he chooses to date. Small group Bible studies morph into exclusive cliques. A woman’s devotion to Christ is questioned by those around her because of the size of her house, or because her parenting style doesn’t fit the typical Christian mold.

The list goes on and on. If you are a woman, chances are there is chattering of this sort happening in your immediate vicinity. We women feed on it.

Even though we’ve probably all contributed to this nonsense at some time or another, many of us feel more like prisoners of war than willing combatants. The substance of these arguments is often so ludicrous and inconsequential that you just want to bang your head against a wall!

But in response to many of the young ladies who come to my office and complain about the drama going on around them, feeling completely frustrated and helpless to stop it, I usually have one thing to say: You have drama in your life because you choose to.

Proverbs 26:20 tells us, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” In short, drama only survives if you feed it. Bickering, quarreling, back-biting and gossip–drama–is like a fire that will consume whatever it can. It will consume your time, your conversations, your thought life, all your energy, and eventually your community as well. And like a fire, the trick to extinguishing it is to cut off its nourishment. To end drama, you have to starve it.

This strategy has 2 key applications–

Number one: Don’t participate in an argument that isn’t your own. If one of your friends comes to you with a problem about another girl, feel free to listen, but don’t reinforce her self-righteousness. Every story has two sides, so it’s very dangerous, if not counter-productive, to give advice when you’ve only heard one perspective. Instead, encourage your friend to go directly to the person involved. If it is between two people, it should stay that way.

I have a roommate who is particularly good about this. She is perhaps the most discreet person I know, and she has no tolerance for drama. After having lived with her for 2 years, I now know better than to try and gossip about someone in her presence. If I do, she will offer nothing to the conversation, and she’ll eventually change the subject. Her discretion has served as a safeguard against drama in our house, and our surrounding relationships.

Number two: If you are directly involved in the drama, don’t involve anyone else in the situation. Go straight to the person or people who have hurt you, and gently communicate your feelings. If they refuse to listen, then you need to forgive them and move on. Don’t talk to other people about it. Don’t try to get other people on your side. Just leave it behind you in God’s hands, and consider whether there might be a better friend group for you.

I know this last part may seem extreme, but if you have friends that are constantly producing drama, beware of their influence on you! Just as Scripture tells us that a little bit of yeast ruins the whole batch of dough (1 Cor. 5:6) your friends’ behavior WILL pull you down. It is only a matter of time.

So if you have drama in your life, consider whether you are contributing to it. Not all drama is a result of your own actions, but most of us contribute at least a bit. And the greatest tragedy of all is that while we waste hours, days, months and years arguing about cliques, fighting over guys, and gossiping behind one another’s backs, we ignore the dying around us. Instead of bringing hope to the lost, we are focused on ourselves and our own problems. People are going to Hell, but we are so concerned with how short Jennifer’s dress was at church this morning, that we lose sight of the things that truly matter.

That is the real problem with drama–it’s nothing but a distraction from our true calling–to be ministers of the Gospel. So consider how you spend your time. Is drama preventing you from sharing the light of Christ with a dark and dying world? If so, it doesn’t have to stay that way. If drama only survives when it is fed, then you have some choices to make.

As most of you know by now, I am getting married this summer to a wonderful man named Ike, and it’s about time I introduce you to him. To the left you can see a picture of Ike with some fake lawn deer. That’s Ike.

Now Ike is probably going to kill me for putting this on the internet, but I’m about to make it up to him by also sharing another side of him with you (not the side that likes to pose like a GQ model with plastic woodland creatures).

While Ike indeed has a silly side, he is also very serious about Jesus.

Last night he preached a message out of 1 Corinthians 4 at my ministry’s worship service. In chapter 4, Paul responds to the criticism he receives about his ministry, reminding his critics that he only answers to God. Out of this text, Ike examined the dynamics of criticism and how it affects the Body of Christ.

Ike’s message was excellent. He did a great job of pinpointing the ways in which arrogant criticism can poison a church body. He also exposed the reality that most critics never get off their heinies and do the work themselves. We may criticize those who are preaching the Gospel, but in so criticizing, we fail to preach the Gospel ourselves. Therein lies the true problem.

That said, I have posted his message below. I think you will enjoy it, as well as be challenged by it. And for those of you who have yet to meet Ike but have been wanting to know more about him, I can’t think of a better introduction. He is a godly man, and he’s also a total stud.

(Just click on the above play button. The first minute or two is my voice as I introduced him. You can’t hear it very well so feel free to fast forward. You can also download the MP3 here: download.)

It has recently come to my attention that I am a possessive girl. But not in the way you would expect. I don’t freak out when my fiancé, Ike, talks to another girl, and I don’t accuse him of staring at other beautiful women. No, my possessiveness is far more subtle.

All this time I’d thought I was better than those “other women,” but it turns out I’m just like them in a lot of ways. And I suspect you are too.

Why? Because our relationships with men often combine a careful blend of jealousy and the need to control. We want men to prefer us, and oftentimes we try to make them. Or, we simply like to be in control, period.

In case you think this doesn’t sound like you, I have decided to put together a list of ways that you might have seen that nasty possessive side rear its ugly head in your own life. I am making it a three part blog series because each point warrants a lot of its own attention. The series will be composed of the following list:

1. You’re possessive about your guy friends

2. You’re possessive about your crushes

3. You’re possessive about your boyfriend/fiancé.

I myself have qualified under all three categories at various stages in my life, so I encourage you to read through them and be honest. This topic is important, not because we need to be less possessive, but because our possessive tendencies say a lot about our relationship with God, and others.

Part 1: You’re possessive about your guys friends

This form of possessiveness typically manifests itself as “big sister” protection. You may have absolutely no romantic interest in your friend, but you take it upon yourself to protect him from all the “unworthy women” who try to enter his life. You become very vocal about the girls he dates, stating that they need to “get your approval.” Or, you find yourself gossiping about the girls trying to get his attention–”She is SO desperate. I just can’t stand the way she throws herself at him.”

Now we often deceive ourselves into thinking that this behavior is for his own good. We’re just looking out for him. In reality, it is a manifestation of jealousy, the need to control, or both.

The jealousy dynamic tends to be the most obvious. Even in platonic friendships there is some part of us that doesn’t want to be outranked by another girl.

But even if you would be happy for your friend to find the right woman, we often act as if guys aren’t smart enough to navigate the dating process on their own. We think some Jezebel is gonna pull the wool over his eyes, so if we don’t step in he’ll end up marrying a total floozy! This behavior is all about control. It reveals that you don’t trust your friend’s judgment, nor do you trust God’s sovereignty in his life.

In addition to those issues, this behavior is a disturbing commentary on how we view other women. We treat them as if they’re dangerous predators, not our sisters in Christ. The truth is, our sisters need just as much guidance, support and love as our brothers, and it is far more appropriate for us to give that kind of care to other women than to men. But we instead treat other girls as competition, rather than co-laborers in Christ.

And what if your guy friend is interested in a non-Christian girl? Well that’s ALL THE MORE REASON to reach out to her. Yes, caution your friend against missionary dating–or better yet, encourage his other guy friends to do so–but in the mean time remember that this may be her only exposure to the sweet fellowship she might find among Christian woman, so don’t spoil that opportunity.

Those are just a few of the dynamics involved in possessiveness over male friends. I am guilty of giving into this temptation many, many times–I am a total control freak. But if you find yourself being possessive about guy friends, let it be a barometer of your heart. This behavior is not really about guys at all–it’s about the state of your heart toward God. Work on that, and the possessiveness will take care of itself.

Stay tuned for the next post on being possessive about your crushes!

This past week the Wall Street Journal featured an article about the state of female culture in America. While women may moan and groan about how poorly their male counterparts treat them, this article noted that women treat one another just as badly.

Now that is a topic that I have touched on numerous times here on my blog, but the article pointed out a refreshing exception to the trend. While college campuses are full of women who back-bite and slander one another, Christian campuses are remarkably different. In the author’s experience, it’s conservatives, not feminists, who seem to have a healthier view of womanhood when it comes to the daily treatment of fellow females. We respect one another better on a basic, practical level.

Even though the article doesn’t present any hard data to back this claim,  it serves as a fantastic reminder that when we gossip about one another, slander girls of whom we are jealous, and date one another’s boyfriends, then we put our witness on the line.

As Scripture reminds us, Christians are to be known by our love. And while I am pleased by this article’s portrayal of Christian women, it’s also a bit on the idealistic side–Christian women can be rather catty too. That said, the next time you’re tempted to spew a verbal assault on another girl, remember that people are watching you. We should be a breath of fresh air and a safe haven in the dog-eat-dog world that is American womanhood.

Be sure to check out the article here. It will give you a great taste of what NOT to do!

Is there a person in your life who immediately causes your body to tense up whenever you hear their name? Maybe they hurt you, or you are jealous of them, or you just think they’re really annoying, but whatever the reason you don’t like hearing about them. Especially when it’s good.

I have this particular reaction to a few people in my life who have hurt me in the past. As soon as their names are mentioned, my heart rate speeds up and I can feel my spirit grow angry. My mind starts racing with all the things they’ve done to wrong me and all the reasons I don’t like them. I consider all the searing accusations I could level at them.

And as much as I would like to say that my reaction to these people is always Christ-like, I cannot. Because these people have wronged me, I feel justified in slandering them. The words tumble out of my mouth, almost uncontrollably, in what can only be described as verbal diarrhea. At times, I can even hear myself doing this, which leads me to subconsciously scream, “Stop talking!”

But I don’t.

Instead, I rationalize my actions. I’m merely relaying the facts of what they did, and reflecting my feelings on the matter. As far as I’m concerned, I’m the victim.

But the moment I open my mouth and tarnish another person’s reputation is the moment I make that person a victim as well. Someone may victimize me, but I am still accountable for how I respond, and on this point Scripture is clear–we are to do as Christ has done.

We are to forgive seventy times seven, we are to love unfailingly, and we are to treat others with kindness. This doesn’t mean being their best friend, but it certainly means responding to them with the respect that their divine image warrants.

Not because they deserve it, but because Christ has done much more for you and me.

And here’s another perspective to consider when you find yourself slandering another–you are doing a great deal of damage to yourself as well. By this, I mean that you are enslaving yourself to feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and hard-heartedness. When I talk about someone in a negative way, it only sews deeper seeds of bitterness that slowly poison my own heart. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like feeling that way. And I always regret it later.

But when we choose not to slander another person, we choose to set ourselves free from those feelings. We also set ourselves free from wondering what other people think about us. Whenever I gossip, I later suspect that I’ve said more about myself than the person I described. In the eyes of my listener, I’m just a bitter girl who doesn’t have the courage or integrity to approach the person myself.

Our words can truly be our bondage, which is why Scripture comes down so hard about it…

- Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21)

- The getting of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a snare of death. (Prov. 21:6)

- A lying tongue hates its victims (26:28)

- If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. (James 1:26)

- So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. (James 3:5-6)

These verses come to mind whenever I find myself talking endlessly about people who have hurt me. I could have ended the wrongs by never responding in kind, but instead I prolong the cycle, allowing my tongue to “set the forest ablaze” by spreading gossip and slander among people who are not even involved. Not only is my heart poison, but now I’m poisoning others.

That is the danger of the tongue. It is a powerful force for wrong if we let it, so keep this in mind the next time you find yourself bad-mouthing another, and justifying your words as a victim. Christ has called us to far better things.

And if you ever happen to be in my company when I start talking this way, let me first apologize for being such a jerk, but let me also give you free reign to scream something along the lines of “somebody put a cork in her!” It won’t hurt my feelings, and I was probably already thinking it myself.

Let me begin by saying that I recognize the irony and potential for hypocrisy in what I am about to write. Nevertheless, I think this needs to be said, so hopefully I won’t disprove my own point. Here goes…

Yesterday I was listening to one of Mark Driscoll’s sermons, and in the course of preaching he made a hyperbolic statement for the sake of demonstrating a point. He immediately followed up the statement by adding, “That was a joke! I didn’t really mean that, so all you bloggers can go ahead and shut your laptops now.”

What struck me about his disclaimer is that it’s not the first one I’ve heard lately. Frequently my own pastor will try to stave off the mean e-mails and angry blogs that might ensue a controversial point by anticipating their possible misinterpretations. I’ve heard other pastors and podcasters do the same.

Clearly, they’ve all learned to beware the wrath of the blogosphere.

It is here that I must question whether such a trend is godly. When our pastors are constantly worried that their words might be lifted from their context, twisted, and publicly berated by other Christians (not even non-Christians!) then I think we’ve come to a place that is fundamentally opposed to the spirit of the Gospel.

This point hit me as I read over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 4. Paul was facing a similar climate of criticism from the Corinthian church. Even though they had Paul to thank for their very existence, they didn’t hesitate to bite the hand that fed them. As a result, Paul had to defend his credibility before his own church, in much the same way that pastors are forced to defend themselves today.

But what exactly is going on here? Why are Christians back-biting one another, and why have blogs facilitated this all the more?

The reason for this trend is twofold, the first being our own prideful hearts. Paul makes this point when he establishes a distinction between types of judgment. Some judgment is warranted, but some stems only from our own selfish motives. In chapter 5, for example, a man was sleeping with his father’s wife, so Paul called the Christians to exercise judgment. In this case, such judgment was permissible due to the man’s blatant disobedience of Scripture.

Paul, on the other hand, was fulfilling his God-given call to preach the Gospel. Even so, he received criticism and judgment from his brothers and sisters, and it is within this context that Paul forbids judgment. Why? Because they were trying to judge his heart. Judging a person’s actions are one thing, but it is difficult to know another person’s heart, so we must be VERY wary of making such a move.

So often we will criticize Christians, preachers, or churches who are out doing the Lord’s work, but not the exact way we think they should be doing it. As a result, we get up on our high horse and make assumptions about the state of their heart, nit-picking every single mistake and highlighting those mistakes for all to see. We forget Paul’s words, “Whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.” (Phil. 4:18) We refuse to rejoice in the preaching of the Gospel, and instead undermine those who do.

Only very rarely is such criticism actually warranted, so speaking from my own sin and my own temptation to engage in this type of unholy judgment, I feel confident in asserting that it comes from prideful arrogance. We are doing little more than reverting back to the childish strategy of tearing others down so as to build ourselves up.

But the second reason blogs have become such a popular tool for harsh criticism is the anonymity of the form. We post a blog and then send it hurdling into cyberspace, never really witnessing its effects. We don’t really know who is reading it or how seriously they are believing our words. Because of this, we underestimate the power of our writing. In reality, we are engaging in the public slander of a fellow laborer in Christ.

And in case you don’t blog, don’t think you’re off the hook. Gossiping about someone you don’t know or slandering a pastor you’ll never meet does not justify your comments or somehow make them less sinful. Slander is slander no matter how you spin it. When it comes to matters of the heart we must “judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.” (1 Cor. 4:5)

So in defense of the many preachers, pastors, writers and teachers who are out there leading, praying, and suffering for the sake of the Gospel, guard your tongue. Not only do they deserve more respect than we bloggers often give them, but God’s precious Bride, the Church, demands it.