Theology for Women

This past week the Wall Street Journal featured an article about the state of female culture in America. While women may moan and groan about how poorly their male counterparts treat them, this article noted that women treat one another just as badly.

Now that is a topic that I have touched on numerous times here on my blog, but the article pointed out a refreshing exception to the trend. While college campuses are full of women who back-bite and slander one another, Christian campuses are remarkably different. In the author’s experience, it’s conservatives, not feminists, who seem to have a healthier view of womanhood when it comes to the daily treatment of fellow females. We respect one another better on a basic, practical level.

Even though the article doesn’t present any hard data to back this claim,  it serves as a fantastic reminder that when we gossip about one another, slander girls of whom we are jealous, and date one another’s boyfriends, then we put our witness on the line.

As Scripture reminds us, Christians are to be known by our love. And while I am pleased by this article’s portrayal of Christian women, it’s also a bit on the idealistic side–Christian women can be rather catty too. That said, the next time you’re tempted to spew a verbal assault on another girl, remember that people are watching you. We should be a breath of fresh air and a safe haven in the dog-eat-dog world that is American womanhood.

Be sure to check out the article here. It will give you a great taste of what NOT to do!

Is there a person in your life who immediately causes your body to tense up whenever you hear their name? Maybe they hurt you, or you are jealous of them, or you just think they’re really annoying, but whatever the reason you don’t like hearing about them. Especially when it’s good.

I have this particular reaction to a few people in my life who have hurt me in the past. As soon as their names are mentioned, my heart rate speeds up and I can feel my spirit grow angry. My mind starts racing with all the things they’ve done to wrong me and all the reasons I don’t like them. I consider all the searing accusations I could level at them.

And as much as I would like to say that my reaction to these people is always Christ-like, I cannot. Because these people have wronged me, I feel justified in slandering them. The words tumble out of my mouth, almost uncontrollably, in what can only be described as verbal diarrhea. At times, I can even hear myself doing this, which leads me to subconsciously scream, “Stop talking!”

But I don’t.

Instead, I rationalize my actions. I’m merely relaying the facts of what they did, and reflecting my feelings on the matter. As far as I’m concerned, I’m the victim.

But the moment I open my mouth and tarnish another person’s reputation is the moment I make that person a victim as well. Someone may victimize me, but I am still accountable for how I respond, and on this point Scripture is clear–we are to do as Christ has done.

We are to forgive seventy times seven, we are to love unfailingly, and we are to treat others with kindness. This doesn’t mean being their best friend, but it certainly means responding to them with the respect that their divine image warrants.

Not because they deserve it, but because Christ has done much more for you and me.

And here’s another perspective to consider when you find yourself slandering another–you are doing a great deal of damage to yourself as well. By this, I mean that you are enslaving yourself to feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and hard-heartedness. When I talk about someone in a negative way, it only sews deeper seeds of bitterness that slowly poison my own heart. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like feeling that way. And I always regret it later.

But when we choose not to slander another person, we choose to set ourselves free from those feelings. We also set ourselves free from wondering what other people think about us. Whenever I gossip, I later suspect that I’ve said more about myself than the person I described. In the eyes of my listener, I’m just a bitter girl who doesn’t have the courage or integrity to approach the person myself.

Our words can truly be our bondage, which is why Scripture comes down so hard about it…

- Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21)

- The getting of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a snare of death. (Prov. 21:6)

- A lying tongue hates its victims (26:28)

- If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. (James 1:26)

- So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. (James 3:5-6)

These verses come to mind whenever I find myself talking endlessly about people who have hurt me. I could have ended the wrongs by never responding in kind, but instead I prolong the cycle, allowing my tongue to “set the forest ablaze” by spreading gossip and slander among people who are not even involved. Not only is my heart poison, but now I’m poisoning others.

That is the danger of the tongue. It is a powerful force for wrong if we let it, so keep this in mind the next time you find yourself bad-mouthing another, and justifying your words as a victim. Christ has called us to far better things.

And if you ever happen to be in my company when I start talking this way, let me first apologize for being such a jerk, but let me also give you free reign to scream something along the lines of “somebody put a cork in her!” It won’t hurt my feelings, and I was probably already thinking it myself.

Let me begin by saying that I recognize the irony and potential for hypocrisy in what I am about to write. Nevertheless, I think this needs to be said, so hopefully I won’t disprove my own point. Here goes…

Yesterday I was listening to one of Mark Driscoll’s sermons, and in the course of preaching he made a hyperbolic statement for the sake of demonstrating a point. He immediately followed up the statement by adding, “That was a joke! I didn’t really mean that, so all you bloggers can go ahead and shut your laptops now.”

What struck me about his disclaimer is that it’s not the first one I’ve heard lately. Frequently my own pastor will try to stave off the mean e-mails and angry blogs that might ensue a controversial point by anticipating their possible misinterpretations. I’ve heard other pastors and podcasters do the same.

Clearly, they’ve all learned to beware the wrath of the blogosphere.

It is here that I must question whether such a trend is godly. When our pastors are constantly worried that their words might be lifted from their context, twisted, and publicly berated by other Christians (not even non-Christians!) then I think we’ve come to a place that is fundamentally opposed to the spirit of the Gospel.

This point hit me as I read over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 4. Paul was facing a similar climate of criticism from the Corinthian church. Even though they had Paul to thank for their very existence, they didn’t hesitate to bite the hand that fed them. As a result, Paul had to defend his credibility before his own church, in much the same way that pastors are forced to defend themselves today.

But what exactly is going on here? Why are Christians back-biting one another, and why have blogs facilitated this all the more?

The reason for this trend is twofold, the first being our own prideful hearts. Paul makes this point when he establishes a distinction between types of judgment. Some judgment is warranted, but some stems only from our own selfish motives. In chapter 5, for example, a man was sleeping with his father’s wife, so Paul called the Christians to exercise judgment. In this case, such judgment was permissible due to the man’s blatant disobedience of Scripture.

Paul, on the other hand, was fulfilling his God-given call to preach the Gospel. Even so, he received criticism and judgment from his brothers and sisters, and it is within this context that Paul forbids judgment. Why? Because they were trying to judge his heart. Judging a person’s actions are one thing, but it is difficult to know another person’s heart, so we must be VERY wary of making such a move.

So often we will criticize Christians, preachers, or churches who are out doing the Lord’s work, but not the exact way we think they should be doing it. As a result, we get up on our high horse and make assumptions about the state of their heart, nit-picking every single mistake and highlighting those mistakes for all to see. We forget Paul’s words, “Whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.” (Phil. 4:18) We refuse to rejoice in the preaching of the Gospel, and instead undermine those who do.

Only very rarely is such criticism actually warranted, so speaking from my own sin and my own temptation to engage in this type of unholy judgment, I feel confident in asserting that it comes from prideful arrogance. We are doing little more than reverting back to the childish strategy of tearing others down so as to build ourselves up.

But the second reason blogs have become such a popular tool for harsh criticism is the anonymity of the form. We post a blog and then send it hurdling into cyberspace, never really witnessing its effects. We don’t really know who is reading it or how seriously they are believing our words. Because of this, we underestimate the power of our writing. In reality, we are engaging in the public slander of a fellow laborer in Christ.

And in case you don’t blog, don’t think you’re off the hook. Gossiping about someone you don’t know or slandering a pastor you’ll never meet does not justify your comments or somehow make them less sinful. Slander is slander no matter how you spin it. When it comes to matters of the heart we must “judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.” (1 Cor. 4:5)

So in defense of the many preachers, pastors, writers and teachers who are out there leading, praying, and suffering for the sake of the Gospel, guard your tongue. Not only do they deserve more respect than we bloggers often give them, but God’s precious Bride, the Church, demands it.

In the last 2000 years, Christians have done more than their fair share of stupid things. From insisting that the sun revolves around the earth, and persecuting those who say otherwise, to boycotting the anti-Christ that is Mickey Mouse, we have certainly made ourselves look silly. And those are only the minor infractions–I am ashamed to look back on the crusades, or the institution of slavery, knowing that Christians endorsed those murderous practices in the name of Jesus. Amidst all of those hypocritical decisions and behaviors, Christians certainly deserve some criticism.

Given this reality, it has become trendy in Christian circles to join in the chorus of mockers. The world wants to know if we recognize our own short-comings, so in an effort to be authentic, Christians are becoming increasingly vocal in their self-criticism.

This is, in some measure, healthy and warranted. We should never be so arrogant as to think that we are perfect. As 1 John 1 reminds us, when we believe we are without sin, then we deceive ourselves. What’s more, we strengthen our credibility when we admit our own faults. After viewing each documentary on the latest corrupt televangelist, my brother will call and ask what I think about it. For me to respond, “I disagree with that preacher. He is clearly in the wrong” assures my non-believing brother that I have not, in fact, been brain-washed, and that there are Christians who can think for themselves and recognize right from wrong.

But what concerns me is that this trend is frequently taken too far. It’s one thing for Lutherans to tell the occasional joke about themselves, or for Presbyterians to laugh about their “frozen chosenness”, but there comes a point at which this criticism is no longer fruitful. At some point, it stops being helpful and starts turning into slander.

Now the line between constructive criticism and slander is often hard to discern. I would liken it to gossip in the form of prayer requests–there are times when Christians deserve critique, but how do we go about voicing such concerns without tearing one another down, or ruining the Church’s reputation? Are we stating our thoughts carefully, gently, discerningly? Or are we throwing out defamatory statements merely to vent our frustrations, or to sound politically correct? Many times, I fall into the latter category.

As a member of a Baptist church and as a staff person in a Baptist ministry, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard Baptists dog one another. “Baptists who don’t drink are so narrow-minded,” or “Baptist bureaucracy is worthless. It’s just a waste of time and money,” or “Most Baptist pastors only care about conversion numbers, but you’ll never hear a sermon about the poor.” Whenever I hear people talk like this, I often think to myself, “Then why are you a Baptist??”

And the truth is, Baptists are not alone in this practice. Most denominational members engage in some degree of self-loathing. In fact, most Christians talk this way about other Christians in general. And when we do this, I can’t help but wonder what non-Christians think. If I were them, I would probably ask, “Why the heck are you a Christian if you seem to hate other Christians so much?” Not exactly the kind of group you’d want to be a part of.

That is why I challenge you to watch your tongue when you speak about the Church. Yes, the Church is populated by sinners, so we are all bound to mess up, but we are still the very Body of Christ–his hands and feet–so we need to speak about that Body with the honor and reverence that it deserves. This does not mean that we are always above reproach, but it should at least challenge us to dress our criticism in respect, grace and love.

Perhaps the best way to know if your criticism of Christians is fruitful, as opposed to slanderous, is to monitor the motivation and the quantity of it. Why are you saying these things? Is it because you are genuinely concerned about a problem, and you are willing to bring about change, or are you going to sit on the sidelines like a whining hypocrite who points out problems that you’ll never do anything about? And how often are you spewing this venom? Are you constantly complaining, or are you balancing your concerns with praise and affirmation of those Christians who are out doing the Lord’s work?

And finally, remember that you are a sinner saved by grace. I often think about how those slanderous comments are as so utterly ironic. It’s as if the speaker has never sinned, and is scandalized by the fact that God actually let sinners inside His Church. If we were to have any sort of grasp on our own sin, and the extent to which we’ve been forgiven, then we would spend less time judging each other and spend more time showing the grace that has been shown us. We only reveal ourselves to be the greatest of hypocrites when we judge others for being judgmental, or we gossip about others who gossip. Let us stop this nonsense now, and instead do the hard work of being known for love. It’s not as easy as complaining about the latest “dumb decision” that your convention made, but God didn’t exactly call us to “easy.”

(Sorry to disappoint some of you, but the title is referring to something other than what you might be thinking…)

One of my all time favorite movies is the teen comedy/satire Mean Girls. Although the movie has its share of crude language and humor, I love watching it because it portrays the destructive power of female cattiness so perfectly. It is a clever and telling illustration of human fallenness, and the way in which that fallenness has resulted in broken relationships.

In case you are not familiar with the plot, the movie is about a teenage girl who has been homeschooled in Africa for her entire life, until her parents move back to the States and she is thrust into an American high school. What she discovers is that the jungles of Africa are not unlike the jungles of high school. Like the African savannah, high school is all about survival of the fittest, and the girls seem to be most adept at this game.

The analogy between Africa and high school is a brilliant one to make. I’m sure we can all remember wanting to fit in, and the measures we took to attain that goal. Unfortunately, this sometimes occured at another’s expense, and that is the conflict of Mean Girls–the young girl so desperately desires to be popular that she tramples on any one and everyone to get there.

Well as perfectly as this movie depicts the high school experience, I have to admit that it also depicts the more general female experience in life. For me, that cattiness did not end in high school–it followed me on into college, into adulthood, and even into the church.

As much as I would like to say that the meanest girls of all were the immature teeny-boppers from high school, I must confess that the worst treatment I have ever received was at the hands of other Christian women. And I know I am not alone in this. When it comes to female fellowship, this is one area in which we are not being a light to the culture. On the contrary, we could learn a thing or two about loyalty from the women on Sex and the City, and when it has come to that, we are at a very bad place.

For some reason, our identities in Christ have not set us free from competition and cliques. Instead, we have continued those behaviors, but under the banner of Christ, which is all the more detestable. Using the subtle tactics of manipulation, we hurt others to get ahead. We “forget” to invite one another to social events, we exclude one another from Bible studies, and we become territorial about our male friends.

And while we may try to excuse our actions, claiming, “I didn’t know that would hurt her feelings” or “I just didn’t think to invite her,” deep down we knew all along. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought, “She might perceive this the wrong way” or “If I say this to her it might hurt her,” but considering my friend’s feelings meant making a sacrifice of time and energy that I was not willing to give, so I instead did what I wanted at her expense.

So I will be the first to admit that I have participated in this kind of ungodly behavior. I will also be the first to admit that it is unacceptable. Ladies, we are sisters in Christ, not enemies in the competition to find a husband. We are not rivals in some Christian popularity contest to be the best Bible study leader, worship team singer, wife, or mom. In theory, we have been released from all of those strivings, but we instead perpetuate them all the more.

Most likely, you know very well if you have ever bought into those lies. You know if you have hurt someone in the past for your own selfish gain. In fact, it may not have even bothered you at the time. That is perhaps the most appalling thing of all–we can hurt our sisters in Christ without batting an eye. This should disturb us greatly, because that kind of behavior, a behavior in which we are willing to steal, kill and destroy all for our own sake, comes directly from Satan.

As I write this, I have to admit that it is coming from a place of anger and frustration in my heart–I recently spoke with a young woman who has been hurt by her friends for no good reason at all, but hers is not the first story I have heard. I have had many, many conversations with young women who have been trampled by their Christian friends, and after awhile, it gets old. As a minister to women, it is frustrating to feel as though I’m working against other Christians, rather than with them. My job would be considerably easier if women didn’t hurt each other so much.

BUT, my anger does not legitimize bitterness, and this is an area in which Christian women struggle just as much. When someone hurts us, especially someone we trusted because of their professed faith in Christ, it is hard to move past that wound. However, the way in which we respond to such situations says just as much about our faith in Christ as it does when we willingly hurt others. Just because someone hurts you does not permit you to slander them. Nor is it healthy to ignore or ostracize that person when you see them in church. I have tried all of those tactics, and they only serve to cement the bitterness, rather than dissolve it. What’s more, they secure division, instead of moving toward reconciliation.

That said, we must accept the reality that as long as the Church is populated by sinners, we are going to be hurt by our Christian friends. And while that does not excuse the behavior, we need to set our minds on the best way to redeem such circumstances. When you get hurt, will you wallow in self pity and spend countless hours thinking about what a hypocrite your friend is, or will you love them anyway, in the same way that Christ loved you? Will you harbor bitterness in your heart, or will you forgive them seventy times seven, given the infinite sin God has forgiven you?

We may not be able to control whether or not someone hurts us, but we can control two things: 1) Whether we hurt another person, and 2) Whether we will stop the cycle when someone hurts us. What it ultimately comes down to is that we as women need to take more ownership in the integrity of the Church. Too often we forget that we are all leaders and ministers of the Gospel–we are half of the Church’s very identity, after all, so we have a powerful hand in the Church’s work. We can either strengthen the Church’s witness, or poison it, but it is up to us. So let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that one small wound to another sister’s heart is of little consequence. On the contrary, in doing so we have tarnished the very name of Christ. Let us love one another with that degree of reverence and urgency.

This morning I watched one of the most insightful and convicting commentaries on human behavior that I’ve seen in quite some time. And of all places, it was on the Rachael Ray Show.

I don’t normally watch Rachael Ray, but I saw a preview for this particular show that hooked me right away. She was doing a story about four friends who decided to diet from gossiping. The way the diet worked was that they would abstain from gossiping for 7 days straight. BUT, if someone broke the diet then they all had to start over. At one point they made it all the way to midnight of Day 6, but someone broke the diet and they were back to square one.

Interestingly, the parameters of the diet were more strict than I would have expected on a benign cooking show. Not only were they to abstain from talking about people behind their backs, but they also had to avoid reading celebrity gossip magazines and websites. And while seven days doesn’t seem too difficult, it proved to be quite a challenge for these women.

As I followed the story of what the ladies learned during this experiment, I was dumbfounded by their insights. One woman noticed that she developed new ways to gossip without breaking the rules. For instance, instead of turning to her co-worker and saying, “Can you believe how ugly Alice’s sweater is???” she would instead point at the sweater, directing her co-worker’s attention to it. She would also make faces or laugh about people in such a way that others new what she was referring to. No, she wasn’t outright gossiping, but she was still engaging in the spirit of gossip.

Another woman remarked that, in the course of the experiment, her co-workers decided that she wasn’t as fun to be around. What a searing indictment of her relationship with them! It definitely forced me to pause and ask myself if my friends would enjoy my company as much if I were to abstain from talking about others.

A third woman came to the wise conclusion that she could best succeed at avoiding gossip if she avoided people who would tempt her to gossip. She realized that if she was even around people who were gossiping, she would crack under the pressure and give in, so she began to stay away from people that might pull her down. Again, quite a convicting word of truth–am I spending time with people who encourage me toward godliness, or do my friends and I simply feed off of one another in our slander of other people?

The final statement that really convicted me came from a woman who explained, “I understand that it’s wrong to gossip about your friends, but I don’t feel bad about celebrities because they’re not like real people.” Well Miss Rachael Ray jumped all over that statement and exposed it for its faulty logic. Not only are celebrities real people who get very hurt by the gossip about them, but gossiping about a celebrity is really no different than gossiping about a friend–you are tearing down a person who does not have the chance to defend themselves. That is the definition of gossip.

With all of that in mind, I have a challenge for you. In a week and a half we will be starting the season of Lent, a 40 day period in which many Christians decide to fast in preparation for the celebration of Easter. This year, I am going to fast from gossip.

To an extent, this is somewhat of an absurd fast, because we shouldn’t be gossiping in the first place–it’s not like fasting from chocolate or television. But even so, I want to set aside 40 days of intentional non-gossiping. I am going to ask my friends to hold me accountable in this, and I would encourage you to try it yourself.

And make no mistake, it’s going to be hard. Females in particular are masters at the art of subtle gossip–we can make it look like a prayer request, or that we have been victimized by another woman and we are turning to our friends for moral support, but in the end it is all just dirty gossip. As women of God, as members of the body of Christ, we should be sickened that we do this to one another–funny how it took me watching a cooking show to realize it.

Lately I have become more and more aware of a growing trend in our culture. The average American is, to some degree or another, a tabloid junkie. Many of us are obsessed with following the lives and dramas of Hollywood stars, and it’s easy to see why–we can’t get away from it.

We cannot stand in line at the check-out counter without being sucked in to the latest Hollywood scandal on the magazine covers. Every time I went to cnn.com these last three weeks, I saw countless stories of Paris Hilton, sometimes displayed more prominently than stories like the war in Iraq. And as my mom perused the newspaper yesterday, she suddenly announced to me, ” Well I guess you heard that Reese and Jake broke up.” (For those of you who have no idea what she’s talking about, kudos to you! She’s referring to Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal)

And if all of that weren’t evidence enough of our tabloid addiction, we have “news” shows and tv channels that are almost entirely devoted to following the lives of the rich and famous. I’m not quite sure how that constitutes legitimate news, but whatever sells, right?

What is remarkable about this trend is that we often talk about the famous as if we know them. But even more remarkable is the freedom we feel to judge and slander them. If we were to make such comments about someone we know, it would clearly fall under the category of gossip, so why is it ok to say such things about people we don’t know? Why is it ok to make fun of the people we see on tv, but not the people we work with or go to school with?

Or say you’re not even making fun of these famous people, but you follow their lives, read the tabloids about them, talk about their dirty laundry with your friends–why is that ok? If we were to pry into the private lives of those around us, that would be inappropriate, but we do it all the time to strangers. So what is the difference?

There are a variety of factors that have contributed to this gossip culture in which we live, but there are two in particular that I want to highlight. The first factor gets to the very heart of gossip. Sometimes gossip is masked as a kind of concern for people, but no matter how you dress it up, gossip always makes someone look bad.

With that in mind, the basic motivation behind every act of gossip is the desire to tear others down so that you can feel better about yourself. We want other peoples’ dirty laundry to be aired because it makes our often mundane, imperfect lives seem just a little more desirable.

And this temptation is especially great when it comes to the rich and famous, because they have the life that everyone else in the world wants–they are beautiful, wealthy, and successful. Their lives look perfect, so it is hard not to be envious. But, if we can find a way to knock them off their pedestals, then we don’t have to feel quite so jealous or dissatisfied with our own lives. Why else would people have taken such sick pleasure in seeing Paris Hilton carted off to jail as she sobbed and cried for her mother? Because if we can’t have that perfect life, then we don’t want her to have it either.

But there is a second reason we are so addicted to the tabloids while feeling such a freedom to slander those we don’t know, and that is our inability to see all people as being made in the image of God. We refuse to put ourselves in their shoes and treat them like human beings, and this is very easy to do when you don’t know someone. You can make sweeping generalizations about them that are based first and foremost upon rumors, rather than upon their identities as children of God.

A couple days ago I was at a water park, and as I waited in line I saw an extremely overweight man trying to maneuver his way into a tube for the ride down. It was a very difficult task for the man, and it took him several tries to balance himself on the tube because he was so large. Finally he found a way to stay on, but it was still very precarious looking, and I was uncertain as to whether or not he would even be able to stay on it the whole ride down.

Now while this entire scene transpired, standing behind me were two girls who watched and made fun of him the whole time. They kept making jokes about how the tube probably wouldn’t make it, and they continued to do so until he was out of sight.

Fortunately, I think the man was too far away to hear them, but if he had even looked in our direction he probably could have seen them snickering at him. At first, I was tempted to laugh myself, but then I wondered how I would feel if I were in his position and saw people doing the same to me. I can’t imagine how painful that would be–to feel so overweight, and insecure because of it, and then to have people overtly making fun of you in public–that would be humiliating! But those girls were not looking at him as a human being with eyes and ears and a heart that can be hurt. They only saw him as an anonymous fat man.

When we don’t know people, we put them into boxes. We categorize them rather than personalizing them. We don’t witness their humanity firsthand, so we forget that they are just like us–God knit them together in their mother’s womb, God knows their innermost thoughts and fears, and like us, they live in a fallen world, so they probably suffer because of it, just like we do.

Thus these acts of subtly tearing others down and belittling the image of God in them–both these sins take place when we feed into the gossip of tabloids. We may not even be guilty of talking about the tabloids with our friends, but are simply reading about them, watching them on the news, or buying the magazines–but these are all forms of gossip. The end is still the same: We are secretly making ourselves feel better about our own lives by relishing in the failure of others, and we become addicted to that feeling of perverted glee.

For that reason we must resist the temptation to take part in our gossip culture, because every time we do, we give into the temptation to find satisfaction in someone else’s pain, rather than satisfaction in Christ. When we read those articles and watch those gossip shows, we allow our contentment to come from knowing our lives are better than another’s, rather than being content with the life God has specially designed for us. That is the danger of our gossip culture, and just like anything else that threatens the glory of God, we must resist it with equal might.