Earlier this week I had a fascinating conversation with some friends about how much honesty is helpful in a dating or marriage relationship. For instance, how much should a dating couple share about their past experience? Or in a marriage, how much should a man divulge his sexual thought life to his wife? This is an extremely delicate question because there are two opposite yet dangerous errors that you can make in this area–sharing WAY too much and hurting someone more than is necessary, or sharing way too little and losing the element of trust and open communication in your relationship.

I shared with my friends that, when Ike and I were dating, we had a rule of full-disclosure about our past. We didn’t go into great detail about our past relationships because we didn’t want to create visuals that the other couldn’t forget, but we also wanted to know each other thoroughly.  I might not like the things that Ike did or the decisions he made, but I still want to know the path that led him to me. I want to understand the experiences that shaped who he is today. I also wanted him to know that I love him entirely and unconditionally, flaws and all. At times the conversations were intensely painful, but I’m glad we did it. The knowledge of his past doesn’t hurt me anymore, and I now trust him immensely.

For us, we were concerned about the danger of hiddenness and lies in our marriage. We promised each another that we would never lie to one another (except about surprise parties!) or intentionally hide anything that the other should know. If one of us gets a text message from an ex, even an innocent one, we tell the other. No matter how seemingly small or insignificant, we are careful not to dismiss such interactions with the excuse, “It doesn’t matter” or “He doesn’t need to know.” If we do, then that little white lie (or omission) becomes an entryway for deception to enter our marriage and damage its structural integrity. As you can tell, we take this VERY seriously. And we have enjoyed the fruits of that decision.

However, Ike and I also benefited from the fact that our “baggage” prior to our relationship was about the same. Neither one of us had more or less experience than the other. That made it a little bit easier to be honest with one another. But in relationships where one person has more baggage than the other (especially when it is significantly more), there is a new level of complication. The truth can almost be violent to the person with less baggage, and while that doesn’t mean that it is better left hidden, it does require a greater degree of mercy and calculated timing.

As I reflected on the above discussion with my friends, I decided to survey a number of colleagues who have been married longer than I have, and also serve as pastors at local churches. I compiled some GREAT advice that I am going to bear in mind for the future, so I thought I would share it with you now. As you think through the nature of honesty and truth-telling, here are some pointers to bear in mind:

+ Jesus dealt differently with different people. He did not speak truth to the woman caught in adultery in the same way he spoke truth to the Pharisees. That said, consider the person with whom you want to be honest. Do you have the kind of relationship in which they feel safe, and honesty is well-accepted? Will they be hurt by the truth and is there any way to prime the conversation in advance? Should you unload everything all at once, or gradually build up to it?

+ If you are too eager to tell a hard truth then you should probably wait. When you know that you are going to hurt someone with a truth, the telling should come from a place of godly sorrow, not harsh judgment.

+ Do not engage in honesty for the sake of honesty. One friend pointed out the danger of a culture that is all about “being real,” thereby leading people to share MUCH more than they should. With this in mind, remember that honesty is only a tool for love. Sometimes loving people means hurting them in the short-term by sharing difficult truth, but that does not make transparency a virtue unto itself. There are times when withholding information can be loving.

+ Don’t wait too long to share your past with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It only becomes more painful the longer you are together. One colleague recounted his early dating relationship with his now wife, sharing that he informed her of his past after just a few months of dating. Things were getting more serious but he didn’t want to proceed under false pretenses, so he explained that he had a rocky past and that he would be happy to share as much as she wanted to know. At that point in their relationship, it was early enough that she could receive the information without being devastated by it.

+ There is no true imbalance in baggage. Although people may come to a relationship with past baggage that is more hurtful than other types of baggage, the reality is that we are all broken people saved by grace. While it is important to understand how your past can injure the person you love, it is also important for the person with “less baggage” to work toward showing grace. Chances are the person with more baggage feels sick about it, but they are helpless to change the past. This is an opportunity to reflect God’s grace back to them. It is difficult and painful, but consider Matthew 18:21-35 (The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant) and work toward showing mercy and forgiveness.

+ Have an accountability partner for on-going struggles. While it is important for married couples to talk about their weaknesses, any sins that are particularly hurtful to one’s spouse need to be handled tactfully. Have a same-gender friend with whom you can share the gritty details, because it is not loving to share them with your spouse. He or she needs to be aware of it and know that you are taking the necessary steps to fight it, but anything beyond that is not merciful.

When it comes to honesty in relationships there is no formula. There is also no way to take away the pain of difficult truths. Sin results in brokenness, and that is the reality of the world we live in. That said, I will close with a passage of Scripture that is a helpful directive amidst the messiness of honest relationships: Ephesians 4:15-16

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

The verse is ultimately about spiritual maturity, and it reminds us that in order to cultivate a mature community of believers in which Christians relate to one another in edifying ways, there must exist a careful mixture of both truth and love. Truth can be conveyed in ways that are unloving, but love without truth is not really love.

This weekend my church had a guest preacher named Dr. Dan Allender, a psychologist, who spoke on the topic of intimacy. He preached out of Genesis 1-3 and raised an issue that I had NEVER before considered. In Genesis 3 we read about God’s curse upon Adam and Eve as a result of their sin, a curse that we continue to experience today. For women in particular, our plight is spelled out in verse 16:

To the woman he said,“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

I’ve read this verse many times before, so none of it was news to me. That is, until Dr. Allender made the following comment in regard to the pain of childbearing. He said, “Women cannot avoid this curse simply by not having children.”

Dr. Allender’s words revealed a tremendous deficiency in my prior reading of the curse upon women. My assumption of its scope had been far too small. Whenever I considered the pain of childbearing, my mind immediately flashed forward to the delivery room where I would be in massive pain for a day, and then it would be over. End of story. The second part of the curse, I chalked up to the occasional difficulty in marriage.

But what if I hadn’t gotten married? And what if I can’t have biological children? Does that mean the curse doesn’t apply to me? Are only married women and mothers especially cursed?

Clearly not. The effects of the Fall are cosmic in nature–nothing is left untouched or unbroken. So when the Bible talks about the “curse,” it is not so much an arbitrarily designated punishment in two areas of a woman’s life, but instead a description of the all-encompassing brokenness of her life and relationships.

But how does the curse relate to women who aren’t married and don’t have children? Here, Dr. Allender pointed to the reality that women experience pain and hardship whenever they give birth to new relationships, whether it is a mother-child relationship, or simply a friendship. For women, relationships are both our greatest source of strength as well as our greatest source of agony. Broken relationships with parents, children, spouses, or trusted friends can wound us in ways that we almost never recover from. That is not to say that men are not wounded by their friends or family members, but when I look at my life in comparison with my husband’s, there is a thematic difference between the two of us. For me, the pain of wounded relationships has a recurring role.

Similarly, the broken male-female relationship described by the second part of the curse is not limited to marriage. It can play out in dating relationships, friendships, or even in families. Any time a woman looks to a man for wholeness in an idolatrous way, and any time a man dominates a woman in an oppressive or violent manner, it is a mark of the curse.

Why does this matter? Why bother harping on the curse? First, because it gives a name to the common turmoil of female relationships. From the time we were little girls, our relationships have been under the curse. Rather than feel isolated by or enslaved to those broken relationships, we can be empowered by the knowledge of our common condition.

But more importantly, the whole span of the Bible is the story of God’s undoing of the curse. And we are a part of that story. As daughters of God we are called to serve as agents of redemption in a world plagued by the curse of Genesis 3. Its reversal is ultimately accomplished by Christ, but we still get to be a part of the overturn. Our lives are signposts of hope directing people toward God’s good and perfect future. No matter our life circumstances we are all under the curse, but as Christians we are all part of its redemption as well. Our relationships may test us by targeting our greatest vulnerabilities, but they’re also the destination for our mission of hope in this world.

This week I will be celebrating my husband’s birthday. On Wednesday he will turn 26. I, on the other hand, am 29. And I turn 30 in March.

To be perfectly honest, I was very insecure about our age difference for a long time. In fact, I avoided the topic for the first several months that we dated. I felt so weird about it, plus I always thought I would marry someone older. The age difference consequently led me to drag my feet for quite awhile.

But eventually Ike won me over with his character. There was nothing about his maturity or wisdom that indicated he was any younger. He consistently impressed me and cared for me with excellence. Throughout the course of our dating relationship, he conducted himself like a total gentleman.

Eventually, my hang-ups about the age difference began to seem silly. After all, if Demi Moore could do it why not me? KIDDING! But seriously, for all the times I had heard that women date older men because women mature much faster, Ike broke the mold. He was more mature than a lot of women I knew.

As a result of my own experience, I came up with a tongue-in-cheek rule that I have started telling my single friends: Most guys are about as mature as they’re going to become by the time they reach the age of 24. If they haven’t matured by that point, then they probably won’t mature a WHOLE lot more. That’s why some 25 year-old men act like wise-beyond-their-years adults, while some 35 year-old men act like middle-schoolers.

Now please don’t take the above “rule” too seriously. I say it mostly in jest. But there is also some truth to it. At a time when women in the church outnumber men by a ratio of 3 to 2, women are too quick to rule out younger men because of preconceived notions about age difference. What women should instead look for is godliness, wisdom, and responsibility.

However, the burden is not on women alone. To my single guy readers, don’t be afraid to ask out a woman if she is older. I have a cousin who is the same age as me, and she recently married a man 4 years younger. Another one of my friends is in an amazing relationship with a man 3 years younger. If you act like a man, women will treat you like one.

I would also encourage you to consider older women for the same reason that women like older men: there can be a real difference in maturity. I am certainly a different woman than I was 5 years ago, and my husband has benefited from that growth. Our relationship would have probably been rockier had we met when I was younger. Of course women mature at different rates, as do men, but it is certainly something to consider. Plus, all my husband’s friends think he’s a total STUD for marrying an older woman! (Ok I promise that’s my last terrible argument for the day)

All of that to say, I didn’t marry a younger man because he is younger. Age really had nothing to do with it. I married him because he loves Jesus and he makes me a better woman, as well as a stronger follower of Christ. He is good and kind and smart and strong, and on this week of his birthday I praise God that he was born…no matter what year it was.

Every time I read through Proverbs there are a few select proverbs that, as a wife, I read with fear and trembling. Proverbs 27:15-16 is one of them:

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

Doesn’t that description sound awful? I never want to be the kind of wife who can only be described as a continual “dripping!” What woman would??

I’ve read those verses for years as a cautionary tale, but this week I read them from a slightly different perspective: one of empathy. No woman WANTS to be a nagging wife, but it happens to most of us at one time or another. Which begs the question: How did the woman of this proverb become such a quarrelsome wife? What can I learn from her?

As I thought about this question, I remembered a blog I wrote last summer called Why It’s Hard to End an Argument. In it I shared the following research about how women respond to conflict biologically:

When you get into a fight, your heart starts pounding and your stomach clenches, thereby sending signals to the brain that say, “You are angry! Get angry!” For both men and women, it takes about 2 seconds for this system to kick in. We are able to engage at about the same speed.

However, it takes longer for women to turn that system off. As the argument winds down, a man’s body will slowly relax, signaling to his brain that all is well again and he can go to sleep in peace. A woman’s body, on the other hand, remains upset longer. Her body is still tense and her heart is still racing, so her brain thinks, “I must still be upset.”

As a result of this biological wiring, it’s harder for women to simply let an argument go. The fight might be over, but our bodies are telling our brains, “You’re still upset about something! Stay mad! Don’t let him off the hook.” We may even find things to get upset about, dragging the argument out even further.

It’s funny how you can write something and then completely forget about it a few months later, because this info would have come in REALLY handy a couple days ago. I was upset with my husband about something and I could NOT let it go! I was so hurt and frustrated that I kept bringing the issue up over and over again, beating the horse long after it was dead.

But when reading Proverbs 27:15-16 in conjunction with the above research, it’s easy to see how women can easily become “quarrelsome.” When we are upset about something, it takes awhile for our bodies to physically calm down, which makes us very difficult to “restrain.” That reality also led me to reinterpret the second half of the proverb. I had always read it as a warning to men, but it could easily be directed at women. When I get upset, it is VERY difficult to restrain myself, even when I know that I need to calm down.

So rather than read Proverbs 27:15-16 from a position of judgment, this proverb is a fantastic window into the mind and heart of a woman. Women aren’t quarrelsome because we have nothing better to do than nag our husbands and be controlling. Sometimes we are quarrelsome because it is physically difficult to rein in our emotions. Our argumentativeness is often the result of not knowing how to properly process how we’re feeling. And while that hard-wiring does not free me to indulge my feelings and sin in my anger, my knowledge of it does set me free from being ruled by those feelings.

This week my schedule is kind of crazy as I romp around the state of North Carolina catching up with friends and family. It has been such a BLAST–I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Thanksgiving!! With my schedule being what it is, I thought I’d do something a little bit different for this post: Open the floor to your own insights.

So here’s the topic: Today I ran across an article on cnn.com entitled “Is Marriage Becoming Obsolete?”  In it the author, Stephanie Coontz, shares some startling statistics. On the one hand, “40 percent of Americans believe that marriage is becoming obsolete.” Kind of scary, huh? However, she also points out a seemingly contradictory set of numbers: “Only one in four unmarried Americans say they do not want to get married. And among currently married men and women, 80 percent say their marriage is as close as or closer than their parents’ marriage.”

Coontz spends the remainder of the article exploring the reasons for these conflicting responses, and she does a good job of weighing the possibilities. However there is much more to the picture than she can account for in one article. Just take a look at the comments section of the article. I lost count of how many people began their response with the barbed intro “Marriage is a joke!” Aside from the sociological and moral shifts in our society, it sounds like a lot of people have simply been burned.

So take a look at the article and let me know what you think. Why are so many Americans rejecting marriage as an institution while simultaneously embracing the need for family more than ever? And what does this rejection mean for Christians? How can our marriages and lives be a witness to the power and beauty of marriage, as well as the divine love that it represents?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

My first year of marriage was a confusing one as I figured out what it meant to be “one” with my new husband. Contrary to my expectations, reciting my vows and changing my last name did not signal some new, inner transformation in how I felt about my husband.  The unity declared over us on our wedding day was a spiritual reality that I would have to live into, and it didn’t all happen automatically.

Since that first day of marriage, God has knit our hearts together more and more, and it has been amazing to experience a marriage that is quite honestly better every day than the one before it. We are a team and he is my best friend. But as I have reflected on the past year and what contributed to my grappling with marital unity, there’s a part of me that wonders if some of it is due, in part, to the way Christians talk about marriage.

For instance, I cannot remember hearing a sermon series or reading a book in the last several years that dealt with marriage without emphasizing the huge differences between men and women. In fact, there was an entire class built into my Preparing for Marriage curriculum at my church that was devoted to this topic.

Of course, there is a good reason for it–husbands and wives are different, not only according to gender lines but also according to individual personalities. And sometimes those differences can create barriers if we don’t understand them. A healthy discussion of differences can actually be a means for putting those differences aside.

However, I’m afraid the conversation has become a bit lop-sided. Although there is a lot of teaching about male and female differences, there is not a lot of helpful information about what it means to be one. Yes, we’re different, but marriage is about the fusing of two separate entities into a glorious, new creation, not fixating on that which separates us.

The reason this concerns me is that our very nature is one of individualism and selfishness. So easily I fall into discussions about how Ike “just doesn’t understand” my female side, such as why I like to sit and have long conversations with my friends without doing anything else, or why I ask him so many questions about how his friends are doing. It’s so tempting for women to bond over the silly or “stupid” things that their husbands do and laugh about how different men are from women.

But whenever I play that game, I not only feel like it doesn’t give Ike a fair shake, but that I belittle my marriage just a touch in the process. Whenever I focus on how different we are, I feel less connected to my husband.

Which is why I propose that we  think more carefully about this approach to marriage education. As I mentioned, the topic of male-female differences can be a helpful tool in teaching spouses how to better understand and love one another, but it is does not constitute a robust teaching on marital union. As humans, it is our nature to fight the intimacy and connectedness that is a vital part of  marriage, so we need to equip couples with the knowledge and skills to strengthen their marriages and be spiritually united with one another.

With that in mind, the most helpful analogy we can look to is that of our own salvation. Rather than focus on our differences, Christ died for his bride, the church, and brought her into perfect union with himself. And rather than focus on the difference of our inadequacy and sin before God, the church loves and surrenders to her bridegroom, Christ. These two entities become one through mutual commitment and sacrifice, but the union does not end there. It is not a stagnant unity that simply fuses together once and for all, and then the effort is done. In Christian salvation our unity with God through Christ grows ever deeper as we actively pursue God and He actively pursues us.

Occasionally, the vast difference between us can cause discouragement or shame on the part of the Christian, but we must not focus on that. We must press on in our love for God, knowing He is always waiting to embrace us. And as we do, we are transformed more and more into conformity with Him. Our spiritual unity becomes increasingly reflected in our lives.

I find that to be a helpful image with which married couples might start. If my marriage is to reflect my spiritual unity with my husband, it is something I must be deliberate about and pursue with diligence, in much the same way I pursue Christ. And as I do, I delight more and more to think about the powerful grace that unites me and my husband, namely Christ, instead of being defined by that which divides us.

This week I heard a great piece of wisdom on my local Christian radio station from author Sheila Walsh.  She was responding to a concern she receives from women all the time: My husband is not stepping up spiritually–how can I help him?

Sheila’s response to this common problem is not only helpful for women in difficult marriages but from women in good marriages as well: Focus on your husband’s strengths. Sheila explained that every day your husband has people tearing him down at work or judging him based on his performance, so the last thing he needs is one more person tearing him down at home. Instead, wives need to be intentional about focusing on the areas where their husbands excel, and REALLY affirm him there. Not only will it encourage him, but it will help change your own attitude as well.

I think this is excellent advice. And I admit this is an area in which I need to improve. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage and a fun friendship too, but boy am I quick to criticize! Sheila’s words were a great reminder to focus on the positive–and I am fortunate to have a LOT of positive things to focus on!

But for some women, this is a more difficult task. Some women have husbands who are incredibly far from God and there is no spiritual connection whatsoever. Other women are married to Christian men who bear no spiritual fruit at all. There is a disconnect between the man he is in church and the man he is at home. In those situations, it’s more difficult to find positive things to focus on.

All of this begs the question: How, exactly, should we affirm our husbands?

Before I answer that question, I have one caveat: Everything I’m about to say is null and void in the case of abuse. If your husband is abusing you physically, verbally or emotionally, your only priority is to get out of the house and go somewhere safe. Do NOT stay in a situation like that if you’re in danger.

With that caveat out of the way, I think there are a lot of guys out there who aren’t getting a fair shake. For all the talk about Christian manhood and womanhood, a lot of the lines are drawn in cultural, not Biblical ways. And that can put undue pressure on a husband (and a marriage) who is not masculine in traditionally acceptable ways. Not all men like to climb mountains or watch UFC or shoot guns. Some guys like romantic comedies and some guys like listening to Taylor Swift. So before you compare your husband to your pastor or any other “ideal” man in the world around you, the following list is the best starting point for affirming your husband. As you seek to build up your husband, look for the following qualities:

• Love
• Joy
• Peace
• Patience
• Kindness
• Goodness
• Faithfulness
• Gentleness
• Self-control

These attributes are collectively known as the “fruit of the Spirit” (Gal. 5:22) which means that each one reflects the very heart of God. Your husband may not be a theological giant, but is he kind and gentle? Your husband may not express himself emotionally very well, but is he faithful to you?

Of course, most men like to be affirmed in traditional male ways, but I would caution you against comparing your husband to the traditional male standard, and subsequently becoming discontent. Sometimes it is so hard to know what is godly manhood and what is Scriptural (and some “Christian” standards are in flat-out conflict with the above qualities). That’s why it’s best to start with the qualities explicitly presented in the Bible. And to be quite honest, those are the things I value most about my husband. While he certainly loves it when I tell him how safe and protected he makes me feel, the thing I value the most is how he lays himself down for me the way Christ does for the church–and this is usually in the simplest, most mundane, every day ways. My husband’s deeper, Christ-like character is what I admire most about him, and I try to tell him that often.

As Sheila Walsh said, our husbands have enough people tearing them down. It’s our job to build up our husbands. And I’ve noticed that the more time I spend affirming and adoring my husband, the more I fall in love with him!

Hi ladies! Today is one of my “thinking days” as I’ve been processing some new reading assignments for my classes. Hopefully these reflection days will continue to stay relevant to your every day life. If not, feel free to tune out…but hopefully you won’t.

This week I’ve been reading about Horace Bushnell, a pastor and theologian who lived in the 1800′s and placed a heavy emphasis on the importance of family in the church. Bushnell felt that the family was one of God’s primary vehicles for bringing about conversion, stressing to parents the importance of raising their children in godliness.

What is interesting about Bushnell is that he belonged to a new brand of thinking about children that was considerably more nurturing than the generations before. While not all parents before Bushnell’s time were harsh toward their kids, Bushnell represented a paradigmatic change in parenting by emphasizing the importance of nurturing children. For Bushnell, nurture was not a matter of personal preference, but it was in the best interest of the child. Bushnell made this claim long before he had any statistical evidence to back it up, but later generations would prove him right. And key to Bushnell’s understanding of nurture and the Christian family was the presence and care of a loving mother.

In some respects, Bushnell’s ideas about parenting were revolutionary. In fact, we still draw from his thinking today. However, it is also important to note which of his beliefs were Biblical, and which were culturally rooted. For instance, in the Introduction to his book Christian Nurture I found the following commentary:

“In American colonial society, women were more fully integrated into social and economic life, but in the later eighteenth and nineteenth centuries a burgeoning industrial society gradually shut middle and upper class women out of economic roles, making them increasingly consumers rather than producers. Ministers and others preached sermons and wrote tracts hailing woman’s new role as mother and guardian of virtue and religion; her ‘place’ was in the home and in the church…Although Busnell is remarkably evenhanded in his discussion of the religious duties of both fathers and mothers in Christian Nurture, the special role of mothers in shaping the spiritual lives of their children forms an important theme of his book and evangelical Protestantism during the nineteenth century.” (p. xxix)

What was striking to me about this cultural shift was how quickly the consequences of the Industrial Revolution were assimilated into the church as “the way things should be done.” Of course, this assimilation had some positive, Biblical results: Children were valued and treasured by their parents in a manner that was thoroughly Scriptural, and parents were encouraged to play a crucial role in the spiritual formation of their kids. What is alarming, however, is the shift towards commending women based upon what they did. There is a fine line between valuing motherhood, and valuing women based upon their jobs as mothers. There is also a fine line between valuing the family, and raising it to a level of importance that surpasses the Church–which Bushnell was accused of doing. In both of these areas, the family began to encroach upon the centrality and the function of the church.

Even today we can see the fingerprints of Bushnell’s teaching. Consider, for instance, how often Christians emphasize the primacy of the family in our culture. As the logic goes, if men and women do not prioritize their familial duties, then the family will be compromised. And if the family is compromised, then our culture is compromised. After all, family is the foundation upon which our culture stands! Yet the New Testament does not present us with that same kind of urgent language about the family. It is the church, not the family, that is foundational. A majority of the parent-child language in the New Testament refers to the relationship between our Heavenly Father and His children, and when Paul commended women it was for their faithfulness to the Lord and the church, not their families.

Yes, the family is important. But Scripturally speaking the primary location of our identities is in the church, not our families. This fact gives proper perspective to the realms of marriage and parenting, and it also provides a place for singles to feel equally welcome and valued. Gospel centrality, not family centrality, is what guards us against the trappings of idolatry.

Of course both men and women can serve the Lord by serving their families. Please do not hear me as devaluing the family or calling Christians out of the home. But let us not confuse the two lest we slip into a works-driven faith in which we value ourselves based upon what we do (particularly in relation to our families) instead of Who we love. Being a good wife and mother is but a symptom of having a good relationship with the Lord, but it is the fallen human condition to reverse that order. That is why so many women suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of failure in the home, and that is also why we must return to the centrality of the Gospel over and over and over again, commending women first and foremost for their love of God and His church, and their families second. As a friend of ours once put it, in the world around us “blood is thicker than water”; for Christians it is water, the water of baptism,  that is thicker than blood.

I recently heard a story about some seminary professors who were discussing whether it is appropriate to hug students. One male professor felt it was perfectly fine for the faculty to hug their adult students, in response to which another professor asked, “What if it’s a pretty girl?” The first professor promptly replied, “Pretty girls need hugs too!”

I share this story today because it raises an important issue that I have occasionally discussed on this blog: How should married people relate to others of the opposite sex? As I have said before, I completely agree with married couples who place boundaries on their marriages. There is wisdom in that decision, and my husband and I make a practice of it ourselves. In a culture where lasting marriages are becoming the exception, we need to fight back. Boundaries are a strategy to that end.

I do not, however, see this as a plainly black and white issue. There are some men, for instance, who take a DEFCON approach to women, assuming a constant state of readiness and defense.  As a result of this posture, men sometimes respond to other women with a surprising callousness. In fact, I’ve met numerous female seminary students who, upon trying to engage a male classmate in friendly conversation, were quickly cut off with the words, “I’m married.”

That is not wisdom. That is fear. Stories like that raise a red flag that we have strayed from the realm of godly discernment into a realm defined by fear. When men are so terrified of the “threat” posed by single women that they cannot even engage them as colleagues in a professional environment or public place, then our relationships are no longer marked by the confidence, peace or trust we are meant to have in Christ.

In addition to the fact that these rules are often fear-based (and thus dangerously close to legalism), this behavior also fails to serve wounded women the way the church should. Evangelicalism frequently bemoans the number of broken marriages and absent fathers in the American family, but how are we caring for the wounded daughters that this epidemic has produced? How are Christian men filling this gap by caring for their sisters in Christ? Sadly, these questions sometimes go unanswered. Rather than contributing to healing, Christian men and women can create even greater woundedness by treating single women as if they have the plague.

Let me conclude with one final caution. In addition to being unfair, one might also consider it a little naive to see single women as the greatest threat to your marriage. Married men may assume that if a woman is married, she is somehow “safer” than a single woman, but my personal experience is quite the opposite. I know a good number of married women who have strayed outside their marriages, but I don’t know any Christian singles who would ever consider a married man. They are only interested in other single men. Instead, couples that are friends with other couples can pose the greatest temptations to a marriage, perhaps because their guard is down. It  therefore saddens me that single women, who already feel vulnerable and somewhat isolated, receive the brunt of this over-compensation.

Again, I am not advocating for a complete and total absence of boundaries. My husband and I have our own boundaries, beginning with open, honest, and constant communication. But it is also important that we have a hospitable marriage, that our marriage is a source of healing and life for those around us, not greater brokenness.

So as we think through what it means to guard our marriages in an age of rampant infidelity and divorce, yet also foster communities of healing and whole relationships in which women are not feared as threats but are instead treated as sisters in Christ, I thought I would close with some insightful verses from 1 John. In particular, I encourage men (especially those seeking to pastor churches that will be populated by women) to bear these verses in mind as you seek to love the women in your life. This also places a burden on those of us who are wives to encourage our husbands toward gentleness and a hospitable spirit, which not only requires the same practices of us, but a degree of trust and confidence in Christ  as well.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

- John 4:18-19

This week my parents are in town so I’ve been extra busy spending time with them, which hasn’t left me a lot of time to blog. That said, I thought I would re-post a popular blog (written before I was married) about which I still receive a lot of feedback! A number of people find their way to my blog by searching the term “pre-engagement counseling” so this is clearly something that Christian couples are thinking about. If you find yourself at that place, I hope this post will be an encouragement to you!

Also, I have a bit of an announcement! After numerous people have asked me how to subscribe to my blog, I finally got with the program and added the feature. Now at the bottom of every post you will see a little button that says, “Subscribe.” I hope you do!

Now on to the blog….

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This past weekend my fiancé and I attended a retreat for engaged couples who are preparing for marriage. At the beginning of the weekend we were presented with information about our culture’s stance toward marriage, and we heard one statistic that I found particularly compelling:

90% of American young people believe that premarital counseling is a good thing to do, but only about 35% would actually consider doing it.

I was not given a source for this statistic so I honestly have no way of verifying its accuracy, but based upon my own experience I am not surprised. I have talked to a lot of couples, Christian and non-Christian, who respond warmly to the idea of other people doing premarital counseling, but when faced with the option to do it themselves, they opt out. Why? Because it sounds good, but not necessary. Only couples with “big problems” need that kind of thing.

This rationale would appear to stem out of two different causes–gross naiveté on the part of the couple, or flat-out denial. Either they have no idea how hard marriage is, or they have some inkling that their relationship isn’t healthy but they don’t want to deal with it. They’ve already decided to get married, they’ve paid for the food and the band, and there’s no turning back.

That’s why some churches have begun offering pre-engagement counseling. At first I thought this was a weird idea–as a single person, even a dating person, I actively avoided talking and thinking about marriage. No need to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, right? I was attempting to guard my imagination, and more importantly my heart.

The problem with my thought process was that it underestimated the momentum of planning a wedding. Once you begin the process of planning it’s like you get on board a giant locomotive and there’s no way to stop it. Had I realized that Ike was not the man for me, I cannot imagine the pain and hardship of canceling the wedding, or even just delaying it. Aside from the financial loss, it would be humiliating and emotionally devastating. In the short-term, it would seem much easier to just go through with it.

Which is why it’s so important for young couples to begin seeking godly counsel BEFORE the train gets going. Married couples already have the odds stacked against them, so given the soaring divorce rates you’d think engaged couples would be sobered into seeking every resource possible. When one in two marriages is failing, doesn’t it make sense to ensure that you’re NOT on the wrong side of the statistics? Wouldn’t you rather do the hard work of confronting your issues and asking the tough questions before you get married, instead of hoping for the best?

Unfortunately, this type of reasoning rarely takes place during engagement. While some couples DO break off their engagement, many choose to ignore the warning signs because they are blinded by the prospect of getting married. The end is in sight so they delude themselves into thinking that marriage will fix everything, even though marriage statistics would indicate otherwise.

So if you are in a serious dating relationship and the topic of marriage arises, I would encourage you to seek counsel BEFORE the proposal–though you might do so separately at first. Prior to taking on the 300 pound gorilla that is wedding planning, make sure you’re moving forward wisely and soberly. Even in dating it is difficult to have clear vision and an objective perspective, but if you are hesitant to have an outside opinion weighing in even NOW, then that’s a red flag.

Don’t hope for the best, don’t count on the other person to change, and don’t ignore the input of your friends and family. Breaking up with a boyfriend or fiancé is hard, but being in a bad marriage is much, much harder.