About 5 years ago I was introduced to the world of Christian conversations about sex. I had just started working for Proverbs 31 Ministries, and I sat in a Bible study of 30-something, married women who were discussing the topic of Biblical sex lives. They described their frustrations and how to communicate those frustrations to their husbands, but they described the “positives” as well.

Being a single gal, I didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation, so I sat there with my hands neatly folded, saying little. Watching for their cues, I conjured up a look of concern or sympathy when the conversation seemed to warrant it, and I chimed in with a laugh when the group found something to be comical. I may have looked like I was tracking with them, but I really couldn’t relate at all.

At the end of the study, the leader turned to me and said, “Sorry about this, Sharon. This must be really awkward for you!” But rather than admit, “Yes, I just met all of you and frankly I don’t want to think about your sex lives!” I instead answered something like, “Oh no, I am learning a lot about this aspect of marriage.”

It was at that moment that I figured this is what it means to be an adult. The older you get, the more you will need to sit through your married friends’ conversations about sex without blushing or giggling. Sex is just a normal part of married life. No biggie. Better get used to it.

Interestingly, this approach to talking about sex is somewhat new to the Christian culture. Most of our parents did not talk about sex so casually. For some, sex was almost seen as a dirty little secret to be kept well hidden. And I think that is what our generation is largely reacting against. Not only was the secular culture unable to relate to our extremist approach, but we had actually debased sex by being so conservative about it. God gave us sex as a gift, but we treated it as if it was sinful and wrong. And that had to change.

So in response, Christians now talk very causally about their marital sex lives. They beam about how wonderful it is, and even go so far as to describe, in detail, the techniques they use to attain that goodness. All the while, I sit by and try to listen, to be supportive and rejoice with them in their happy sex lives, acting like the adult that I am who has adult friends who do adult things.

Well after 5 years of this, I am starting to wonder if we need to rethink our approach to discussing sex. On the one hand, it is a good thing that Christians can finally affirm their marital sex lives in a healthy way. God DID create sex, and it is beautiful, and He should be praised because of that.

BUT, is there a line? After all, sex is one of the most intimate acts between a husband and a wife, so do we make it less intimate if we talk about it incessantly? The way many of my married friends describe it, it sounds more and more like a carnal instinct engaged in to elicit pleasure, not an act of worship. In our desire to discuss sex in a more accessible way, have we compromised it on some fundamental level?

And in addition to that, there is also the issue of being single and guarding your thought life and your desires. Women are not always known for being tremendously visual creatures, but I have to admit that when a married person describes their sex life in any sort of detail, I have to fight off the visuals that ensue. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be a guy! What’s more, when you have your friends going on and on about how glorious sex is, it makes it a little bit harder to stave off your own desires, or to at least keep yourself from thinking about it.

All of this is not to say that we should go back to the old way of talking about sex. By no means! BUT, I wonder if we should return to a more reverent way of discussing it. I don’t mind talking to my married friends about it, but it’s one thing if I am counseling them or listening to them about how to love their husband better in that area of their marriage. It is a very different thing to hear all about their bedroom escapades. As a single person, I don’t need those images floating around in my brain.

Granted, I am not married so you married folks may have some insight to lend that I do not have, and I would be glad to hear it! But this is just one single person’s perspective. I not only want to guard my thought life, but I want to make sure we are guarding the act of sex as well. I’m not sure it’s enough to simply wait to have sex until you’re married–Jessica Simpson showed us that you can accomplish this feat and still have a complete misunderstanding of the sacredness of sex. That said, we should not only protect the holiness of sex with our actions, but with our conversations as well. Whether you are talking about it with a single friend, or even your married friends, I would hope that your words reflect the kind of sacred intimacy that we Christians profess it as having.

What do you think??

For the past three days I have been vacationing with family in Florida, and the one thing that I have done every single day since I arrived is go fishing. There is a little dock right outside where we are staying, and there are lots of fish swimming around it, so it’s a perfect place to pass the time while enjoying the beautiful weather and scenery.

Over these past couple days I have learned a lot about fish. For instance, fish are a lot smarter than we give them credit for (at least some fish are). And due to this fact, I have had to teach myself the art of fish seduction. You see, it’s not enough to just let your bait hang in the water. It’s got to be moving around a little, taunting the fish, as if to say, “You couldn’t catch me if you tried!”

What’s more, many of the fish don’t want the bait if it’s dead. This week we’ve been using live shrimp, and if that little shrimp’s feet stop scurrying, then a lot of the fish will lose interest. A couple greedy fish won’t care and will eat the shrimp either way, but the big fish, the fish you want, can’t be fooled. For them, it’s all about the thrill of the chase.

Now this afternoon as I sat on the dock and carefully moved my bait around so as to catch the fish’s attention, I realized something. What I’ve learned about catching fish can be easily applied to dating men. Like fish, many guys don’t want a girl who chases them, because men also desire the thrill of the chase. Even once you start dating, guys still want some mystery to the relationship. They don’t want a girl who’s always available. They want a girl who makes them work for it. They want a girl who plays hard to get.

That said, the question I want to pose to you is whether or not we should play into this little game. If that is what guys want, and if that is how we can get them to pursue us, then why not try it? Well the obvious answer is “no.” Not only is it manipulative, but you are building a relationship that is not based on reality. What draws these men is not your personality at all. They simply want that which they cannot have. And oftentimes, once they get you they won’t want you anymore. They’ll move on to someone else who can offer that thrill of the chase.

BUT, just because playing hard to get can be manipulative, does not mean we should write off this practice altogether. The opposite of playing hard to get is not being available at all times. Rather, there is a kind of playing hard to get that can actually be godly. Here’s what I mean…

In my past dating relationships I have frequently been tempted to clear my whole schedule to accommodate a guy. I always wanted to be available for him, partially out of a fear that if I wasn’t available, he would move on to someone else. Unfortunately, this degree of availability is sometimes unattractive to godly men, not only because of their desire to chase, but because it says something about your priorities.

A godly man is not looking for a woman who rearranges heaven and earth for a boyfriend. Yes, he will want you to make some time for him, but a godly man is looking for a woman who is in diligent pursuit of God and has her eyes focused on Him alone. If your schedule consists of ministry commitments such as community service or spending valuable fellowship time with other women, then those commitments should not be thrown out the window as soon as a guy comes along. If you can’t spend time with your boyfriend because you are discipling another women, then that will indicate to him that your priorities are Christ-centered, and that will draw him to you, not drive him away.

If, on the other hand, you start to regularly skip out on those commitments to spend time with your guy, then it will also send a message to him and set a dangerous precedent. You are not only indicating that service to God takes a back seat to the relationship, but that your identity comes first from him, and second from God. Any godly man should find that to be very unattractive.

So when it’s all said and done, playing hard to get can actually be a good thing, but only when done in the right way. If a guy wants to take you out but you already have plans, it’s ok to say no and have him wait for another time. It shows him that your life is already full and complete with Christ and godly friendships. It indicates that you are not waiting on a guy to complete you, but to simply complement you.

With that in mind, be intentional about how you spend your time. If you are tempted to make yourself always available to a guy, resist that temptation, not only because he will find you more attractive when you have a strong sense of your own identity and calling, but because you will be guarding your own priorities as well. From that perspective, playing hard to get can actually be a pretty good thing.

I never thought I would hear myself say that!

You know something that always gets on my nerves? When I’m hanging out with a guy, having fun, getting along, spending time together, and having good conversation–only to find out later, from someone else, that he has a girlfriend.

I hate when this happens, and for a wide variety of reasons. First, it’s extremely shady. I mean, what is he doing? Trying to keep his options open? Scoping out the greener pastures? But even more important than the shadiness factor is that it dishonors the respective girlfriend. Even if I was an ignorant accomplice, I feel like an accomplice nonetheless. Though I couldn’t have known any better, I feel as though I have somehow dishonored her by having an inappropriate interaction with her boyfriend. And I’m not even talking about flirting that’s over the top–behavior that is even remotely flirtatious, like extended eye contact or giggling at his jokes–if I give a guy the smallest degree of attention, only to find out that he has a girlfriend, I end up feeling like a total floozy.

But it got me to thinking–when exactly is flirting, or even a certain degree of intimacy with a guy friend, inappropriate? Obviously it is wrong to flirt with a guy who has a girlfriend, but in reality, most guys will end up with girlfriends or even wives, so are we dishonoring those future women with our behavior?

Granted, flirting and intimacy are positive things in the right context–if you are interested in a guy, flirting can be a healthy way to let the guy know you’re interested, as long as it’s not taken too far. What’s more, it is important for two people who are interested in one another to spend time in conversation, conversation about things that matter and are close to their hearts. Such a degree of initimacy is certainly appropriate. And in this way, flirting and intimacy aren’t evils in and of themselves.

Yet I wonder if our guidelines for flirting should be similar to those guidelines for sexual purity. In addition to other reasons, we should abstain from having sex with someone we are not married to because that person may very well marry someone else. We therefore have no business engaging in such intimacy with another person’s spouse. But can the same be said of flirting? Should we be just as cautious about our behavior in this area, given that we could be flirting with someone else’s furture boyfriend or husband?

In all honesty, I think that is extreme, but it is a perspective that should at least give us pause, or keep our motives in check. No matter who we interact with, whether we are interested in dating them or not, we should first and foremost think of them as our brothers in Christ, and treat them accordingly. But in addition to that, we should treat every guy, whether we’re dating him or not, according to the reality that he may very well marry someone else, and we need to be able to honor that future relationship, whenever it may come. This does not mean that flirting should never ever happen, or that you shouldn’t get to know the guy you’re interested in, but simply be intentional about honoring his future marriage. As long as you are glorifying God and putting your guy friend’s best interest first, then flirting is certainly permissible, if not beneficial.

No, this title is not a reference to that racy t.v. show on Showtime. Instead, I’m referring to the other L word, the word that girls almost never talk about, and that is lust. Lust has always been seen as a “guy problem.” When any guy is struggling with a sin, it frequently seems to involve something related to lust, but for the longest time I struggled to understand what that even meant. When I see a guy in a bathing suit I might think, “Nice six pack” or “Oh, he’s pretty cute,” but it basically ends at that. I’ve never had thoughts about men that were even in the same category as the kind of “lust” that my guy friends have described. And as a result of this disconnect, I spent years being baffled by what this sin of lust even meant, so I largely assumed it was a guy struggle, and left it at that.

For the most part, I think that a lot of girls feel the way I do. They can’t relate to the way guys lust after girls, so they write it off as a guy thing, and assume it’s not their problem. Unfortunately, this is an illusion. Not only do girls struggle with lust, but the idea that lust is a purely male sin can be very detrimental. It not only enables us to sin in ignorance, but it can also make the girls who openly struggle with lust feel like they are especially perverted or unfeminine. In reality, neither is the case.

So, I would like to give a brief outline of what lust looks like from the girl point of view. Here are two key ways that it can play out:

(If you’re a guy and you’re still reading this I want to warn you that what follows is a fairly candid discussion, so it may not be quite as edifying for you, and you may want to stop reading)

1. Physically. Contrary to popular opinion, girls have just as much of a sexual drive as men. For some reason, men are generally assumed to be the only ones who can’t wait to have sex, but I know a whole heck of a lot of girls who want to as well. Because we have this desire, we are going to be tempted towards it in many of the same ways that guys are. The first and most obvious way is in a physical relationship with a guy. If you and your boyfriend keep pushing the boundary back, then simple biology is going to lead you to desire sex. That is the very reason *why* you keep pushing that boudnary back–your body wants to get you closer and closer to that point. So, if this is an area in which you struggle, then you are struggling with the sin of lust.

However, lust plays out in a variety of ways. Just like men, women struggle with pornography, masturbation, homosexuality or randomly hooking up with guys they’ve just met. To some extent, there is some common ground between male and female motives in this–when you are stimulated sexually, it triggers a biological reaction that is physically pleasurable, so you enjoy the feeling even if no other person is present.

But, there is an even more common motive that compels girls to lust, a motive that is unique to women, and that is their desire to feel beautiful and attractive. When you hook up with a guy, you feel desirable and feminine. Even if you’re the only one involved in the scenario, (like in the case of pornography) you can still feel sexual and attractive. In this way, giving into this form of lust is not merely about how good it makes you feel physically, but how good it makes you feel emotionally. Women give into lust because it soothes a yearning inside them to feel like a beautiful woman, and in a world that often makes us feel unattractive, we will sometimes take what we can get. Lust is therefore less about sexual desire and more about lack of contentment in God.

2. Mentally. For those girls who aren’t giving into lust in a physical way, there are nevertheless a lot of women who still struggle with lust. The word “lust” itself refers to an inordinate desire, so lust can refer to a whole slew of areas in which we desire something beyond that which God has given to us. But, one of the most obvious ways it plays out among women is in boy craziness. Maybe you don’t hook up with a lot of guys, but if you are thinking about boys all the time, then you too might be struggling with lust. By this I do not mean it’s wrong to think about a guy a lot if you are interested in dating him. That is normal. However there is a phenomenon in which girls think about all boys all the time and talk about it with their friends incessantly–wherever you go, whether it be class, work, the mall, or even church, you are constantly looking out for boys to crush on, flirt with, dress cute for, and so on. Or, you are constantly talking to your girl friends about some cute guy you saw on the quad or another boy you want to impress. Girls are wonderful at feeding on one another in this respect. But being boy crazy is to have an inordinate desire, because it consumes your thought life. You live and breathe to get the attention of guys, and that is a healthy desire gone awry.

So those are just two ways in which girls struggle with lust. I’m sure there are many more, but for now I merely wanted to dispel the idea that men are the only ones who struggle with it. I am positive that that lie keeps many women in bondage to their sin, because they think they are especially messed up and are therefore too ashamed to confess it. That needs to change. In reality, we all struggle with it to one degree or another, so it’s time that we start talking about.

p.s. In case you’re interested in reading more on the topic, I hear that Joshua Harris’ book “Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)” takes a good look at all sides of this issue.

Once again I find myself feeling mystified as to why women do what they do. A guy treats a woman badly, yet she sympathizes with him. Men come on to women in flagrantly demeaning and sexual ways, yet women are flattered by it. The culture objectifies women in every way possible, yet women think that dressing immodestly empowers them. What in the world is going on here? How is it that this kind of insance behavior has become common practice?

Well before I share with you my conclusion, let me tell you the strange but true story of a young woman named Patty Hearst. In case you have never heard of her, Patty Hearst was a millionaire heiress who was kidnapped from her California home in 1974 by an organization called the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA). SLA was a band of American terrorists who promoted their radical ideas through violence, murder, and bank robberies, in addition to kidnapping Hearst and holding her for ransom. What is particularly striking about this story is that several months after her kidnapping, Hearst was photographed holding an assault rifle in the midst of robbing a bank in San Francisco. It was later revealed that Hearst had come to sympathize with the goals of SLA, and was now fighting for them.

Eventually Hearst was arrested and put on trial. During the proceedings Hearst explained that her captors had locked her in a closet, blindfolded her, and sexually abused her during her imprisonment. For this reason her legal defense argued that Hearst had been brainwashed during her captivity, thus explaining the surprising shift in allegiance toward her kidnappers.

Now as strange as this story may sound, Hearst demonstrated a not uncommon phenomenon among victims of violence called Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome occurs when a person in an abusive relationship develops a kind of sympathy or love for their abuser. Rather than condemn the abuse, or flee from it, the victim feels an intimacy with her abuser, and remains in the abusive relationship, thereby enabling it to continue.

Now the story of Patty Hearst may confound our senses, for it is nonsensical at best, but there is a specific reason I bring it up here. As strange as the phenomenon may sound, a similar development has occurred within our culture. Women are not only wounded by both men and culture, but women have come to sympathize with them. Mimicking the actions of Patty Hearst, women have begun facilitating and even perpetuating unhealthy relationships with men, instead of fleeing from them. Likewise, women frequently partner with the culture in its objectification of them, actively turning themselves into objects of lust and sexual fantasy, wearing short skirts and revealing necklines in the name of feminist power. We feel as though we have control when we dress this way because we can command the attention of a room when we walk through the door. Yet these actions are no different than the crime that Patty Hearst committed against herself. In such a situation, your power is only an illusion, because you are doing nothing more than enabling the victimization, rather than freeing yourself from it.

So the reason I bring up this story is that we have got to name these unhealthy influences in our lives for what they really are–our captors. They are holding our self-worth in bondage, so we will never be free as long as we sympathize with them. For this reason, the next time a guy treats you badly, remember Patty Hearst. The next time you feel flattered when a guy comes at you with some totally sketchy line, remember Patty Hearst. And when you are tempted to embrace the lie that we are most attractive, sexy, and powerful when wearing the least amount of clothing, remember Patty Hearst. Because all of those mentalities are just as insane as Patty Hearst siding with her kidnappers. When we think and act that way, we are doing nothing more than sympathizing with our captors when we should instead be fighting for freedom.

Yesterday someone alerted me a to ministry that encourages women to date non-Christians in order to save them. I had to see it to believe it, and here’s a little taste of what I found…

“Hello, my name is T—! As you can probably tell, I’m a Christian woman who loves Jesus Christ and cares for all humans, even the wicked. What you probably don’t know is that I’m hot. My picture below isn’t really that good. I want to use my beauty for GOD, and want to encourage Christian women (my sisters in Christ) to do the same, according to the Great Commission. So, I created this web page for information regarding the calling of Missionary Dating. First of all, it helps that you’re good looking. Romans 12:1 says “to offer your bodies as living sacrifices.” Since our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19), it makes sense that we should use our beautiful bodies to glorify HIS name, the Holy Spirit will work the strongest since He’s in our body, right? That’s the best position to be in! Not only can we date hot guys (as only hot Christian girls could do), but hopefully we can lead them to God and help them get saved from the burning fires of Hell. I’ve outlined a few tips to help you get a date off to the right start, step-by-step. Jesus saves through hooking up with cute heathen guys!”

Now, I think the person who created this did it as a joke, but the sad thing is that a lot of people actually think it’s real. Numerous Christians have subscribed to the website thinking it’s not only legit, but Scriptural, so I think this is a good opportunity to address some of the issues here, since dating non-Christians is a rampant practice in the Church…

1. “I want to use my beauty for God”–The idea here is that beauty is a some kind of spiritual gift that we should use to spread the Gospel in much the same way that one uses their gift of preaching or teaching. The first major problem with that idea is that we have no basis for it in Scripture. We don’t find a verse that lists spiritual gifts as “preaching, teachings, speaking in tongues, and looking pretty.” But even more problematic about this idea is that it forsakes modesty, and buys into the lie that our bodies are to be ogled by any guy that wants to enjoy them. While it’s ok to look nice when you’re single, we have to be guarded about unleashing our beauty, because most guys won’t look at us and think “What a beautiful reflection of the image of God.” Most guys will look at us as get hot in all the wrong places. For this reason, our beauty is not something we should treat casually–it is VERY powerful, and should be guarded. We should only share the fullness of our beauty with our husbands, so the idea of using such a powerful thing like our beauty to lure guys is not only un-Scriptural, but playing to a man’s sin. Beauty is not a bait–it is a gift for our husbands.

2. ” The calling of Missionary Dating”–Ok, God does not call us to missionary dating. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. We are instructed NOT to be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14). Earlier this week, I even stumbled upon, what I believe, to be the very first warning against missinary dating. It’s in Genesis 24, where Abraham instructs his servant to find a wife for Isaac, but tells him to not look among the Canaanites. Why? Because they are not godly people, so Abraham doesn’t want his servant even *looking* there. The reason for this is that all throughout the Old Testament we see that whenever the Israelites intermarry with non-Israelites, worship of God inevitably declines. God-centered faith is consistently compromised and perverted by other religions when the godly are yoked with the ungodly. We must therefore resist being so arrogant as to think we will not make the same mistakes. Those stories are there for us to learn from them.The reason that dating non-Christians is so full of pitfalls is because your feelings skew your objectivity. You end up compromising your beliefs because your emotions clouds your thinking, and it becomes difficult to sort out right from wrong since your heart feels so strongly. And the moment you lose your Scriptural footing, you will surely slip. So while God has used unequally yolked couples to lead someone to Christ, that doesn’t mean we should walk into temptation. God could also use a hormonal 20 year old to save strippers, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna start sending my guy friends into strip bars.

3. “Since our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19), it makes sense that we should use our beautiful bodies to glorify HIS name”–What’s deceptive about this thinking is the idea that we can somehow engage in this kind of evangelism, without letting your own emotions, interests or desires get involved. Unfortunately, this is simply not the case. Getting attention from guys is like a drug for girls, and once they get it, they will do a lot to keep getting it. In this way, missionary dating can subtly become all about you, instead of the person you’re trying to “help.” It’s no longer about their salvation, but meeting your needs. And what is even more dangerous about this practice is that the you can always justify your actions with the lie that you’re doing it for “their sake,” and this lie enables you to perpetuate the sin. As I said, you eventually lose all your objectivity, and you’re no longer able to discern whether you’re doing it for yourself, or for the person, so you can’t distinguish what is right or wrong. And to be quite honest, people who missionary date are really only doing it for themselves all along. To so blatantly disregard Scripture does not reflect the heart of one who desires to honor God, but it does reflect the heart of one who wants to date whoever they want.

4. “To offer your bodies as living sacrifices.”–Here she seems to be implying that when we date a non-Christian, we use our bodies as a witness, but dating non-Christians is quite the opposite. We should date the kind of people we would marry, and if we want a marriage founded on Christ, then we should only have dating relationships based on Christ. Even most non-Christians do this to an extent–we all date people with similar values to us, and there are some things that simply aren’t worth sacrificing. There are some things that even a non-Christian would not give up in a relationship. That being said, the one thing we should never sacrifice, the one thing we should never compromise on, is Christ. But if we casually push Christ off to the side and put something else at the center of our relationships, then we preach the message that Christ is not that important to us, and that our fulfilment comes from something other than him. So in Romans 12:1, when we are called to be “living sacrifices,” we are called to sacrifices non-Christian relationships, NOT Christ. By NOT dating non-Christians and standing our ground, we show the world that Christ is our priority, and that is a much more powerful witness.

When all of this is said and done, the ultimate problem with this thinking is that it’s a way to get around the things we don’t like in Scripture. It’s basically justifying doing anything that you want, and sanctioning it with God’s Word. This is NOT how we are to read Scripture. We should never approach Scripture with a conclusion and then fit verses to agree with us (Which is exactly what she did–the verses she cited have NOTHING to do with dating, and are taken completely out of context).

But in addition to that, what upsets me is that this young woman is unwittingly setting her sisters up for heart-ache. God didn’t give us those parameters because He’s a stick-in-the-mud who doesn’t want us to have any fun. He gave us those passages for our own protection. He knows that non-Christians will not recognize our beauty as a divine reflection–they will probably only see our beauty as an object to be used. A guy may seem wonderful and charming at first, but the absence of Christ in his life will eventually shine through, and it will be ugly. God wants to protect you from that.

So please please please watch out for this kind of teaching. It’s easy to point to these websites and call them wrong, but when Mr. Non-Christian Hunk comes along, it will indeed be hard to resist, and that’s why we need to start now in conforming our hearts to the truth of Scripture, rather than perverting it to say what we want it to. As 2 Corinthians reminds us, “For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and idols? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” When it concerns flirting to convert, the answer is a resounding, “Nothing.”