Today marks the 10 day count down until my WEDDING DAY (woot woot!) which means I will not be posting many new blogs in the next couple weeks (And none during my honeymoon…I hope you understand that I’ll be otherwise occupied). Til then, I’m going to re-post some of my older entries for those of you who missed them the first time. Enjoy!

Yesterday as I sat by the pool reading, I overheard the following conversation between a guy and a girl who were sitting nearby. The young man was criticizing a friend of his who treats women badly:

“The guy talks down to her all the f—ing time! I’m sorry but I could never be such a d—head and f—ing talk to girls like that.”

The girl nodded in full agreement. I imagine her heart swooned to be in the presence of such a gentleman. “Who says chivalry is dead?!” she must have thought.

Can we please back up and review that conversation? Even now I sit in amazement of how ridiculous the whole thing was. While condemning another man for supposedly treating women poorly, this guy was simultaneously showering the girl’s ears with profanity. While criticizing another man for disrespecting women, he was disrespecting her.

And what’s even worse is that she ate it all up! Not once did she see the hypocrisy of his actions. It never dawned on her that he was dishonoring her by speaking so obscenely. In her eyes, his passionate distaste for another man’s sins was chivalry enough.

Sadly, this kind of “chivalry” pervades our culture. For another pertinent example, just look at popular song lyrics today–it’s now a term of endearment when a man calls a woman his “bitch.” Women feel flattered when guys ogle their bodies like pieces of meat in a butcher shop window. And it’s even gotten so bad that women will excuse their husband’s infidelity as long as he doesn’t leave them. These women proudly state, “He may go out with those other women, but he always comes home to me!”

Seriously? Is that the best we can hope for?

The ironic thing is that women have encouraged this behavior as well. In addition to dressing in ways that provoke the exact kind of attention we should be discouraging, some women actually punish men for being gentlemen.

I will never forget the time a guy friend of mine was riding on the bus when a young women got on. There weren’t any seats available, so my friend stood up and offered his seat to her. The girl’s response was surprising. Instead of gratefully taking his seat, she was indignant: “I don’t want your seat! It’s not like I’m too weak to stand!”

This isn’t the only time I’ve heard stories of this kind. I know numerous men who’ve been reprimanded by young ladies when they held the door for them. The mindset, I assume, is that men are treating women as weak, fragile, inferior beings when they condescend to offer such gestures.

This is the backwards world we live in. We have become so confused that we interpret honor as insult. Women are actually demanding disrespect as a sign of respect. Not only do we tolerate it, but we invite it.

But why?

This is a complex question that has many, many different answers, but at the heart of it all is a complete loss of our identity. Women have forgotten that they are the crowning jewel of creation, designed to glorify God with their beauty, requiring honor and respect from the men created to care for them. Women have forgotten that they were made in God’s image, so they should expect men to treat them with the appropriate respect that such an image deserves.

Ladies, we must refuse to participate in a culture that renames dishonor as valor, cowardice as courage, and dominance as strength. We may twist and rationalize every misbehavior possible, but at the end of the day it is still utterly detestable to God Himself, so we must work to view the world through this lens.

And if you have a female friend who is allowing herself to be romanced with this new form of chivalry, please tell her. Remind her that God created her for more than she realizes, so she must not stand by while her beauty, and the beauty of God, are spit upon. We are better than that. And more importantly, God is better than that.

Greek mythology tells the story of a man named Narcissus who was exceptionally cruel, even to those who loved him. As a punishment from the gods for a life poorly-lived, Narcissus was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Not realizing it was his own, Narcissus was so captivated by his image that he was unable to leave until he eventually perished there.

It is from this story that we get the term “narcissism”–an inordinate fascination with oneself, or excessive self-love. Vanity.

In extreme cases, this narcissism has been diagnosed as a type of personality disorder.  In fact, the disorder has served as a scapegoat in the face of bad decision making–such as that of former senator John Edwards, whose explanation for committing adultery was “a narcissism that leads you to believe you can do whatever you want.”

Now as much as these political scandals are almost becoming cliché, studies are now showing that such narcissism is not just for politicians anymore–it’s becoming more and more common among average Americans. A new book by psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge entitled The Narcissism Epidemic charts the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have the narcissism disorder. In a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans, one out of 16 respondents registered as a narcissist on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” or, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve,” and, “I find it easy to manipulate people.”

And young people appear to be the worst, registering highest in the population. Nearly 10 percent of twenty-somethings reported narcissistic symptoms, compared with only 3 percent of those over 65.

But what I found most interesting about the study was its conclusions about narcissism’s effect’s on society as a whole–and more specifically, dating and marriage. Interestingly, the rise in narcissism has been proportionate to the rise in the American “hook-up culture,” which the researchers explain as follows: “One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is short-term relationships that don’t require a lot of emotional investment…The current trend right now, especially among younger people, is that ‘I’m going to focus on myself, not on forging an emotionally close relationship.’”

Unfortunately, the consequences don’t end there. Narcissism has even more severe consequences for marriage. Because of the self-help culture mentality which teaches “I am great,” Americans have begun to scrutinize their romantic partners with a kind of “You better be great too” mentality. Twenge and Campbell have therefore concluded that the solution to having a healthy romantic relationship is NOT learning to love yourself first: “There is no evidence that people with very high self-esteem are any better in a relationship than people with low self-esteem.”

As Hannah Seligson of The Daily Beast summarized the situation,

“Narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

People are no longer encouraged to compromise or be patient. It is all about being fulfilled and making yourself happy, a practice that is not only toxic in marriages, but can lead to larger family problems. Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity explains, “Think of parenting. When your kid is being a pain, parents have to see the bigger picture—that being a parent has so many benefits and a deeper joy. It’s a perspective that people in good marriages have. Narcissists, however, have a big blind spot. For them, it’s about being fulfilled all the time.” This would perhaps explain why Americans are waiting much longer to have children, and on their own schedule.

It also explains why so many marriages are crumbling. Perel explains, “The culture of narcissism is about your personal happiness coming first and your partner coming second. It’s what’s at the core of divorce.”

So what does all of this mean for the self-help movement that seems to have fed our narcissistic culture? Some experts are saying it’s time to dump it. Therapist and relationship expert Terry Real concludes,

“There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself. We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity. Everything from feminism to 12-step recovery to religion has become about ‘I was weak, now I’m strong, go screw yourself. The danger is in narcissists taking this too far and blaming their partners if they’re not 100 percent satisfied in their love lives.”

All of this research seems to indicate that the Greeks had it right thousands of years ago when they first spun the tale of Narcissus: an over-emphasis on self leads to death. Perhaps not a physical death, but the death of everything around you–relationships, marriage, and family. And as Christians, we should not be surprised. All that narcissism really is is a form of idolatry–worship of the self. So while we should learn to love ourselves in a way that is healthy and recognizes the divine image in our created being, we should never be in the business of pushing self-help resources. Too many Christians teachers and writers fall on the wrong side of that line.

* For more on this, check out Hannah Seligson’s entire article here.

This week the Episcopal Church created yet another stir at its General Conference when the presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori denounced the idea of a personal relationship with God through Christ as heresy (that is, a contradiction with the truth of Scripture and belief of the Church). She explained,

“The overarching connection in all of these crises has to do with the great Western heresy –- that we can be saved as individuals, that any of use alone can be in right relationship with God. It’s caricatured in some quarters by insisting that salvation depends on reciting a specific verbal formula about Jesus. That individualist focus is a form of idolatry, for it puts me and my words in the place that only God can occupy, at the center of existence, as the ground of all being.“

She later added,

“I said that this crisis has several elements related to that heretical and individualistic understanding. We’ve touched on one – how we keep the earth, meant to be a gift to all God’s creatures. The financial condition of the nations right now is another element. The sins of a few have wreaked havoc with the lives of many, as greed and dishonesty have destroyed livelihoods, educational possibilities, care for the aged, and multiple forms of creativity – and that’s just the aftermath of Ponzi schemes for which a handful will go to jail. If we want to be faithful, we need to be continually rediscovering that my needs are not the only significant ones.“

The great irony of the Bishop’s statement is that the Episcopal Church has embodied this very individualism against which she rants, by departing from the bulk of Church tradition in their ordination of homosexuals. In doing so, the Episcopal Church has actually isolated itself from the larger community of faith, a move that some might call ecclesiologically individualistic.

But aside from that minor detail, I actually think there is something to her words. Bishop Jefferts Schori is right in critiquing the idea of “my personal Jesus”–an understanding of Jesus that not only enables one to isolate one’s self from other Christians, washing their hands of any responsibility to others, and refusing accountability from the larger Church, but it can also turn Jesus into a kind of custom order Savior who serves your particular needs–namely, not going to Hell.

In the face of such distortions, I can understand why Bishop Jefferts Schori would raise an eyebrow. The language of “personal relationship” has been used in the name of some very unscriptural practices.

However, Bishop Jefferts Schori goes awry in her identification of the problem’s source. The problem is not the language of the personal–the problem is how we’ve used it. A healthy understanding of “personal” is that God knows you intimately as a person. He “knit you together in your mother’s womb” and he knows “when you rise and when you fall.” Just read Psalm 139–it doesn’t get much more “personal” than that.

What’s more, God is not some far off entity who is only accessible through a system. If you need God, you can cry out to Him–yet another practice we see all throughout the Psalms. Yet Bishop Jefferst Schori elevates community to a level of near idolatry given how thoroughly she founds salvation upon it. If salvation is both by faith AND community alone, then we can offer little comfort to missionaries, both abroad and in the American workplace, who find themselves isolated from other Christians with whom they can fellowship.

But most importantly of all, I would like to know how Bishop Jefferts Schori would reconcile her idea of heresy with Paul’s method of conversion in Acts 16. The Philippian jailer, frightened by an earthquake that had freed the Christian prisoners, comes to Paul and asks, “What must I do to be saved.” Paul simply responds, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.”

When we depart from this said “formula,” we wander dangerously close to the heresy from which Martin Luther fought to free the Church 500 years ago. J.D. Greear once stated, “Salvation is by faith alone, but the faith that saves is never alone.” We must let this truth serve as a boundary for our language about “personal relationships,” but the personal aspect must remain. When we reject it, we not only stray from the model of salvation given to us in Scripture, but we lose any hope of reaching a human race that was designed to be inherently relational.

What is spiritual leadership?

This is a question about which there has been a great deal of confusion among Christians. Scripture teaches that we are to date and marry men who are spiritual leaders (1 Cor. 11:3), and Scripture also teaches us to date and marry men with whom we are equally yoked (2. Cor. 6:14).* The problem is that these two elements are not always discussed in conjunction with one another. Oftentimes Christians fail to view them as two equally important aspects of a dating relationship, aspects that hold one another in a complementary tension.

For many women, we subconsciously interpret “equally yoked” to mean: “as spiritually mature as I am, but preferably more mature if possible.” That is, we want to date someone as mature as we are, but we would prefer someone who is more mature. Why? Because we want him to be a spiritual leader, and he can probably do that best if he’s already more mature.

This mentality is not only unscriptural, but it can result in several negative consequences. First, it can deflate a woman’s motivation to push herself spiritually. After all, you don’t want to be so mature that there aren’t many guys who can lead you. Second, this mentality can lead to a marital dynamic in which the husband is significantly more mature than the wife. Even if she is not noticeably immature, she may not be as radically committed to know and serve God. But since she doesn’t have to be the spiritual leader, it doesn’t seem as important, as long as she’s a Christian.

The problem with this way of viewing Christian marriage is that it fulfills one Scriptural teaching while ignoring the other–yes, the man is leading spiritually, but are the two equally yoked? Not necessarily.

Spiritual leadership does not necessarily mean that the husband is significantly more mature than his wife. If he is, then the two are not really equally yoked. What’s more, the man is actually doing himself a disservice because he has not married someone who can REALLY challenge him. While he may be the spiritual leader in the relationship, it is likely that he will grow less because he is not married to a woman who has the capacity to push him the way he needs.

That said, spiritual leadership does not mean that the husband spiritually dominates his wife. On the contrary, it simply means that the man works harder. He’s got to step up, think ahead, anticipate, pray for wisdom, and humble himself, because being a spiritual leader has nothing to do with spiritual superiority–it has to do with fulfilling a role. If a man leads a woman who is just as solid as he is, then it’s going to be challenging for him to be the leader, but he’ll grow tremendously because of it.

With that in mind, men and women both have a challenge before them. Men, don’t allow spiritual leadership to be your only criteria in choosing a girl. Even if she’s a nice Christian girl, it’s not enough to know that you can lead her. Make sure you two are equally yoked as well. Make sure she is at the same place as you spiritually so that she is sure to challenge you, rather than pulling you down to her level.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to push yourselves. Not only are you doing yourself a service by pursuing God with radical ferocity, but you are serving your husbands as well. Remember, it takes iron to sharpen iron, so we cannot sharpen our husbands if we ourselves are not made of the right material.

Date a spiritual leader? Yes. But be equally yoked as well. Never have one without the other.

*The first time I posted this, a number of people questioned my interpretation of the phrase “equally yoked,” taken from 2 Cor. 6:14.  Given that the context seems to deal only with unbelievers, and it is more broadly applied to fellowship rather than marriage, that is a fair critique. However, when this verse is read in conjunction with other passages in Scripture (such as Old Testament commandments against marrying pagans–Gen. 28:1, Ex. 34:12) it is clear that Scripture clearly stands against yoking yourself in marriage with one who does not share the same faith.

In addition to this point, verses that teach us about maintaining the integrity of the Church are also applicable to marriage, given that marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church. That said, verses such as Proverbs 27:17 (“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.) not only apply to Christian friendship, but should certainly be present in marriage.

Finally, it’s important to remember the visual that “equal yoking” conjures for us. When two oxen were unequally yoked as they plowed a field–that is to say that one was stronger than the other–the oxen were unable to plow in a straight line. Their work was impaired by their unequal yoking, and while this analogy can clearly apply to relationships between Christians and non-Christians, it can apply to relationships between mature Christians and immature Christians as well. If a mature Christian marries a nominal Christian and subsequently discerns a call to the mission field, it will be difficult for them to walk in a “straight line” so to speak.

All of that to say, in using the passage in 2 Corinthians to advise Christians against being unequally yoked in marriage, this is not so much a reckless lifting of the verse from its context as it is a reading of the passage within the larger context of the whole canon of Scripture.

This weekend my family is headed down to Florida to celebrate the 4th of July. My parents have a place down there, but it’s very small with only one bedroom, so usually I just stay on the sleeper couch and we all fit in just fine. However, the sleeping dynamic has gotten a little tricky now that I’m engaged.

As we’ve made our plans for this trip, we’ve had to figure out where to put my fiancé. I had the bright idea to get an air mattress and stick him on the floor of the living room, but the condo is literally too small for it to fit. Then I had the even *brighter* idea to get one of those blow-up pool flotations and have him sleep on that. My dad immediately shot that down, but not before suggesting that I be the one to sleep on my own terrible idea.

Our solution? My parents are putting us both up in our own, individual hotel rooms right across the street. That seemed to work best for all of us–more room and privacy for everyone involved.

Yet on some level, this elaborate plan feels a bit silly. I mean, we’ll be getting married in just over a month. In only 5 weeks this whole scenario will be a moot point because we’ll be able to share a bed and sleep together. But for now, we have to jump through hoops to stay separate, even pay extra money to do so, all to avoid something that we’ll inevitably be doing anyway in just a short time from now.

As my fiancé and I have entered the home stretch of our engagement, I’ve  found myself thinking this way a lot. We are going to get married very soon, but on numerous occasions we’ve had to go out of our way to act single and unmarried–out of our way in instances that have even cost us financially. Sometimes this seems like a lot of work just to stand on principle.

It is in these moments that I can sympathize with a number of my friends who have compromised on their formerly staunch standards as a matter of convenience. I know a number of couples who decided to live together because of financial reasons. Until now, I’d never really understood why, but when you’re with the person that you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, your tricky circumstances almost feel providential–it’s as if God is leading you into this next step of the relationship. It feels unnatural to resist it.

With that in mind, I want to share with you the reason why my fiancé and I have not taken this next step forward, why we have in fact bent over backwards to avoid it:

Intimacy should never be something you fall into.To understand what healthy intimacy looks like, we need only look to the cross. In order to restore our relationship with God, Christ chose to lay himself down for us. From this example we learn that intimacy is not only a choice, but it is accompanied by sacrifice as well.

Falling into intimacy as a matter of convenience is the exact opposite of this model.

When we achieve intimacy by convenience, we not only buck the examples of intimacy that God gives us in the Bible, but set ourselves up for greater hardship later down the road. We don’t equip ourselves with the tools to continue growing that intimacy when things get hard. Up until then, intimacy was just a matter of convenience–what happens if it’s not convenient anymore?

But perhaps even more worrying is what this precedent means for marital faithfulness. Say that you and your husband are going through a rough patch, and  there’s a woman at work who he gets along with really well and meets some needs that you aren’t providing? If you and your spouse have established a pattern of intimacy through convenience, rather than sacrifice, it will be tough to trust that he’ll be any different now. He didn’t fight for his moral integrity then, so you can’t be sure he will do it now.

We must always remember that the habits we form today will be with us tomorrow. If you are founding a relationship based on convenience, its true mettle will eventually be tested. If it is not based on intentional, sacrificial, and SCRIPTURAL decision-making (You are not being intentional and sacrificial when God’s Word clearly says you’re not!), then you can’t expect your relationship to hold fast to these characteristics later on. We have trouble seeing the consequences of our actions in the present when things are easy, but we have to ask if we are fostering characteristics in ourselves and one another that can stand the test of life’s trials. God isn’t just calling us to holiness–He’s protecting us from what our short-sightedness blinds us from seeing.

Even if you’re not living with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiancé, and even if you’re married, this is an issue to which we must all give sober consideration. If you have a habit of sleeping over at your boyfriend’s place because it’s always “too late at night” to go home, then you are experiencing intimacy by convenience. If you share a hotel room with your girlfriend when you go out of town for a wedding because it’s just too expensive to stay apart, then that is intimacy by convenience. And if you are married but you have in-depth, personal conversations with one of your co-workers of the opposite gender just because they sit near you and they’re a good listener, then that is also intimacy by convenience.

While healthy relationships shouldn’t be too hard, all good relationships take work. It is ironic how we will fight and fight and fight to keep a relationship afloat when it is clearly not of God, but we will not put that same energy into fighting for the holiness of our relationships. But that foundation, the foundation of honoring Christ at every turn, that is what my fiancé and I want our marriage to stand on, and the building begins today. We might feel silly at times, but we trust that in going the extra mile to honor God, even when it’s inconvenient, He will honor us. That’s an investment that will forever trump the benefits of short-term convenience.

More often than I would expect, I hear break-up stories from my college students that will go something like this…

Alex and Sarah have been dating for 2 years, and even though they’re only 19 years old, they’re already talking about marriage. Everything seems just perfect! Then one summer Alex and Sarah are apart for a few months, and during that time Sarah finds a guy that she likes better than Alex, so she hooks up with him.

Alex and Sarah eventually break up, and Alex is left completely heart-broken. But strangely enough, if you ask Alex about Sarah he still maintains that she’s a nice girl. Even though Sarah has totally crushed Alex and treated him badly along the way, he says that she really is a “good Christian.” She may have made a mistake, but she’s still the most amazing woman he’s ever met! And what’s even more miraculous is that he was able to forgive her almost as soon as she told him the bad news. That’s how much he loves her.

Whenever I hear this story, I feel somewhat conflicted about how to respond. After all, we ministers are supposed to encourage forgiveness, not warn against it. However, this poor guy is setting himself up to get hurt again, and I can’t encourage him to do that either.

So the question is, what is really going on here?

The problem in Alex’s thinking is that he’s failed to draw a distinction between forgiveness and trust. One of the best examples of this difference can be found in the life of Joseph in Genesis 44. After having been betrayed by his brothers and later reunited with them in Egypt, Joseph’s brothers don’t recognize their successful younger sibling. So Joseph decides to send them on a little misadventure. He frames them for stealing and threatens to throw one brother in jail, all the while observing their responses.

After leading them through this trickery, Joseph discovers that their hearts have indeed changed, so he reveals himself to them and they all live happily after.

The story has a very happy ending, and is especially encouraging to read when we go through the dark times in our lives, but what was up with the deception and manipulation at the end? Was that really necessary? It seems like Joseph was almost toying with his brothers just to get back at them.

While I cannot know the heart of Joseph, I suspect there was a lot more to his motives than simple vengeance. On the contrary, Joseph was testing them–not to determine whether he should forgive them, but whether he should trust them. He was learning whether or not he should let them back into his life, but that is a very different matter from forgiveness.

We know that Joseph had forgiven his brothers because of his response that “what they intended for evil, God intended for good.” His forgiveness was based not on their repentance, but on God’s love. This tells us that Joseph wasn’t acting out of a twisted desire for retribution, but out of wise caution as he took the time to determine whether they were trustworthy.

And this brings us back to the case of Alex and Sarah. When I hear stories like theirs, I wonder if Alex is confusing forgiveness and trust–he may think that he’s forgiven Sarah, but what he’s really experiencing is a desperate desire to get her back, which is leading him to trust her prematurely. He is sure that she’s still a nice girl, and odds are that if she came back wanting to reconcile, he would let her. That does not, however, mean that he’s taken the time to determine if she is trustworthy. On the contrary, his actions reveal that he hasn’t learned anything about her character at all. Nor has he grappled with the hard work of forgiveness…he’s just temporarily blind to it.

Forgiveness and trust are two very different things. While God does call us to forgive everyone, He does not call us to trust everyone. Before we put our confidence and vulnerability in someone who has hurt us, we must first determine if they will be responsible with that vulnerability. And this can only be determined over time.

The problem is that many people will be quick to trust, under the guise of being forgiving. From the outside, it would seem that they’ve already forgotten the injury, but in reality they are naively trusting and hoping for the best. If any forgiveness has taken place, it is based on a hope that the person can change, not based on the sovereignty and love of God.

The distinction is this: forgiveness is based upon God, but trust is based upon the individual. Because God never changes, the command to forgive does not change either. But not all individuals are trustworthy, so if someone breaks your trust, be slow to trust them again. That is something they must earn.

Now there are two different ways that we go about this whole forgiveness process wrongly. The first is what I described above–we think we have forgiven someone because we are so quick to trust them again, but that doesn’t mean forgiveness has actually occurred. Usually that kind of forgiveness is conditional–you have forgiven them under the condition, or at least hope, of reconciliation. But when that reconciliation does not happen, the true nature of your forgiveness will often reveal itself in the form of jadedness or long-festering disdain.

Or, the “forgiveness” is actually just a devaluing of yourself. In romantic relationships in particular, individuals are quick to “forgive” because they don’t think the injury was really all that bad. They are sure that this person is the one for them and that they won’t find anyone else who will love them more, so they “forgive” them, sometimes even thinking that they may have deserved it. This is NOT forgiveness. The only reason forgiveness is even necessary is that a REAL injury has taken place, so a quickness to forgive should not be based on a belittling of the wrong or an underestimation of what you deserve–it should instead be based upon the infinite healing and love of God in the face of these wrongs.

The second error we make is the opposite of the first: Refusing to forgive under the guise of refusing to trust. Though we have not actually forgiven the individual, we hide our anger behind the excuse, “I just can’t trust them anymore.” And while it is fine to wait before you trust someone again, this lack of trust does not legitimize a heart of bitterness or rage. Withholding trust is an intentional action based on wisdom and prudence–refusing forgiveness comes only from a selfish desire to hurt the other.

If someone has hurt you, you will likely find yourself in one of those two places. For some of you, you have been wounded beyond measure and this will be a long process of forgiveness that will take years to mend. For others, you have been wounded but you are so quick to trust that you are foolishly running right back into throes of danger. In both cases, I would encourage you to read the story of Joseph. It provides us with much needed hope during times of great darkness, but it also reminds us of the importance of caution when our hearts tempt us to act unwisely. The God of Joseph is the same God of you now, so be sure that you actions are determined by His unchanging, faithful character, not your circumstances.

Since writing the last post, I have received a number of great questions that I want to follow up on because they are relevant to us all, and they allow me to elaborate on some of my previous points.

The first question deals with whether or not it’s ok for your boyfriend to sleep over, as long as he isn’t actually sleeping in your bed. For instance, you might have stayed up extremely late watching a movie, and he’s too exhausted to drive home, so he crashes on the couch. What are we to think of this?

Again, this draws us back into some seemingly gray territory because it is even more “innocent” than lying in bed together without having sex. If you’re not even in the same room, then what’s the problem?

Well even though my last post focused on the intimacy of sharing a bed together, there are still some points from the post that apply. The first being that no matter what you do with a guy, it’s easy to compromise your witness if he sleeps over. Your roommates have no idea how long he’s been sleeping on that couch (though I would suspect he hasn’t been there very long…), and your neighbors know even less than that. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 teaches us to avoid even the appearance of evil, to flee from anything that even looks like sin, so this verse provides us with a great perspective on this issue.

But in addition to potentially hurting your witness, there are some other elements to factor in as well. I should have mentioned this in the last post, but if you have roommates, especially Christian ones, then you may actually poison your relationship with them if you have boys staying over. I’ve seen this happen a lot–a girl will have a roommate who invites her bf to stay over all the time, and she feels extremely uncomfortable about it. But her roommate never asks if it’s ok, and she gives off the vibe that it’s not up for discussion, so a minor estrangement begins to creep in. For some, it only results in a vague tension between roommates; for others, it can corrode the relationship altogether.

And this can happen even if he sleeps on the couch. While your roommate may feel weird when you two go off into your bedroom and shut the door, it’s awkward having a boy over late at night at all. The reason being that when a boy spends the night, you feel a little less safe and at home in your own apartment. There have been times when I couldn’t even walk around my own apartment in my pj’s because a guy was always around, and I resented my roommate for it.

The bottom line is that having your boyfriend sleep over, regardless of the circumstances, is disrespectful to your roommate. It invades her privacy as well as driving a wedge in between your relationship. So for the sake of your friendship and the health of your living situation, don’t let boys spend the night.

The final point I want to make about sleeping over relates back to the issue of appropriate intimacy. When I first thought about whether or not it’s alright for a boyfriend to sleep over, as long as he’s not in the same bed, I immediately sympathized with the question. From a technical stand point, there seems to be nothing wrong with it.

But the more I reflect on it, the more I am struck by the absurdity of it. With very few exceptions (like in the case of illness, or if you’re staying at your family’s house, etc.), having a guy sleeping in the same house or apartment is just another way of attaining as much intimacy as we can get away with, while also settings ourselves up for temptation.

For instance, say that you live in different cities and he’s visiting from out of town, so you allow him to stay with you. In doing this, you are putting yourself in a very precarious position since you are alone, late at night, with no accountability.

If your situation looks more like the one I described above (he’s there so late that he’s too exhausted to drive home) then the more pressing question is why he was there so late in the first place. If it was really THAT late at night, then odds are I was engaging in behavior that I should have been avoiding in the first place. In that case, I had bigger fish to fry than the mere issue of sleeping over.

All in all, the cons of sleeping over far outweigh the positives. There is really nothing to be gained by having him spend the night, which reminds us of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians: “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” By letting your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night, then you are no longer seeking to be above reproach as you set yourself up for temptation, compromise your witness, and threaten your relationship with your roommates. Is all that really worth it?

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In addition to the clarifications on sleeping over, someone else asked me about the Scripture that one might use in support of what I have argued in these posts. What follows are some highlights…

- Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.- Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4

This is written within the very specific context of sexual love. By not awakening love until it so desires, we should not put ourselves in a situation to do something we know is wrong and will later regret.

- You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. –Matthew 5:27-28

We should not engage in any behavior that would lead our boyfriends to desire us in a way that God has forbidden outside of marriage. There is no formula for this because some guys can’t even handle kissing a woman without lusting after her, whereas others are not as tempted by that, but if you are doing anything you suspect would cause your boyfriend to stumble, then avoid it. If you indulge his lust, then you are not loving him as your brother in Christ, and you are disobeying God.

- Flee from sexual immorality. -1 Corinthians 6:18

Notice that this verse is not a passive “how much can I get away with” approach to sexual relationships. On the contrary, we are to flee any situation that might lead us into temptation. To try and get away with as much as possible is to buck against the very spirit of this verse.

In closing, I want to you to think of this discipline in your dating relationships as an investment in your marriage. One of the reasons our marriages are so emotionally bankrupt today is that we have stopped setting the institution apart in any kind of definitive way. We want what we want now, so we mimic the love and intimacy of marriage without engaging in the commitment that that love and intimacy require. This instant gratification corruption can play out when we have sex, when we sleep in the same bed, or even when we sleep in the same apartment. But these are not meant to be legalistic parameters, since it is ultimately about your heart. You should be doing everything you can to honor yourself, your boyfriend, and your God. That, at the end of the day, is the question we should be asking.

Thanks to all those great questions!!

Today’s blog was originally posted almost a year ago when Ike and I first started dating. The reason I am posting it now is that Ike’s method of courtship was the primary inspiration behind this blog, but I did not/could not reveal it at the time. When I wrote that there were “2 signs” that God was using to teach me about dating, that was only a half-truth–my dating relationship with Ike was the third and perhaps most important sign of all.

As you read this blog, keep the following information in mind: At the time I wrote this, I had been going out on dates with Ike for 2 months, and he had yet to make a single “move” on me. The guy hadn’t touched me! Seriously! So I started to to wonder if he was really even interested at all–I was only used to guys moving in for a kiss instead of manning up and stating their feelings first. Ike was a new breed of man as far as I was concerned, which led me to the conversation I describe with my roommate.

I should also note that Ike read this blog shortly before he officially stated his intentions, so this blog also served as a catalyst to that important conversation.

All of that said, if you’re reading this and you’re single, don’t settle! There are Christian men out there who don’t just say they love Jesus, but live like it. Wait for them–it’s worth it!

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I think God is trying to tell me something. More specifically, I think He’s trying to tell me that the way I have been dating has been really screwed up.

This sinking suspicion has emerged for a number of reasons, the first being a conversation I had with one of my roommates. I was explaining to her that I have never in my life dated a guy who waited to make a move on me (ie. hold my hand, put his arm around me, kiss me, etc.) until AFTER we were officially dating. The “move” usually occurred somewhere in the beginning stages of getting to know one another, and only after it happened did we eventually move into the relationship phase.

Because this was my only experience with Christian guys, I assumed it was the norm, but my roommate assured me that it is not. Or at least it is not the ideal. In fact, it would be a deal breaker for her. Apparently some guys are gentlemen enough to wait until long after the DTR before allowing the relationship to become physical. I just haven’t dated any of them, so I assumed they were little more than Christian urban legend.

The second sign that God was trying to tell me something is that my pastor has decided to preach through Song of Solomon, and during the past two Sundays he has talked about dating. Today’s sermon was actually entitled, “How to Date and Love a Woman,” and he laid out parameters for men in their pursuit of women.

One of those parameters involved the importance of keeping the physical relationship in check. As my pastor explained it, physical touch is an extremely easy way to communicate, which is why we often fall into it first. But, the effectiveness of that kind of communication fades over time in marriage, so you need to found your relationship on the kind of communication that lasts. What’s more, if you embark on physical communication before you have firmly built up your verbal communication, then you will short circuit the entire process. It will be far more difficult to build verbal communication because the physical is what you default to. My pastor therefore urged young couples to abstain from the physical as long as possible, and even then, to be highly cautious.

Well between my roommate and my pastor, I am getting the message loud and clear: Physical intimacy has little to no place in the beginnings of a Christian relationship. If your “gentleman caller” dives into it right away, then it is an immediate red flag.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. The problem is that I have trained myself to look for affirmation in the exact way my pastor warned against. If a guy doesn’t make some sort of move after we’ve been going out for awhile, I start to doubt his intentions–is he not attracted to me? Does he only want to be friends? Is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? It doesn’t matter if he’s being consistent in pursuing time with me–if he isn’t doing the one thing that I am used to guys doing, then I doubt the entire relationship.

What is ironic is that I have always criticized other girls for this very mindset. I once had a guy friend who was dating a non-Christian girl, and the couple began to flounder when she wanted to have sex, but he didn’t. She began to feel emotionally isolated from him because, in her mind, if he didn’t want to have sex with her, then he must not really desire her at all.

When my friend told me about this situation, I reflected on how topsy-turvy our world has become–the fact that a woman would need extra-marital sex in order to know that the relationship is strong, reveals how fundamentally we misunderstand healthy love and relationships. Our world is so backwards that ungodly behavior has become the standard of acceptability, the standard of rightness and goodness!

Well little did I know that I am suffering from the same syndrome. I have become so influenced by what I see on tv and the movies, by the past relationships that I have had, that I don’t recognize chivalry, godly pursuit, when I see it. Instead, I am looking for worldly affirmation, and I am discouraged when I do not get it.

So with all of that in mind, I would like to close with two thoughts, one for the guys, and one for the girls. First and foremost, guys: We need you to be men of integrity, even if we punish you for it at times. Many of us girls have a lot of emotional baggage that we will bring into our relationship with you, but stand firm and treat us like the sisters in Christ that we are. We may even resist it at first, get mad at you when we don’t get the kind of affection we desire, but we will appreciate it in the long run. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, we’ll be able to look back and think, “At least he always honored me as a woman of God.”

And ladies, if you have found yourself in a similar position to mine, look to Scripture and talk to trustworthy Christian leaders when you need a godly perspective. Don’t listen to the rest of the world, and don’t even listen to some of your other Christian friends, because a lot of us are getting this whole dating thing wrong, and we are pulling one another down in the process. There is a better way, a kind of dating in which we are treated as the precious daughters of God that we are, so don’t settle. It’s out there, and it’s worth waiting for. If we want to recover chivalry, then we must help our brothers to do so.

The following post concludes a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive women.

(And the picture to the left has nothing to do with today’s topic per se. I just thought it was awesome. If you try and take that girl’s dolls she’s gonna bite your hand off!)

Part 3: You’re possessive about your boyfriend

When you think of a possessive girlfriend, what do you imagine? The kind of girl who freaks out when her b.f. even looks at another girl? Or how about a girl who forces her guy to un-friend all his female friends on facebook? That’s exactly what I imagine.

So in my opinion, I have never been the possessive type. I don’t rail on Ike because he happened to be in the room when a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on. And I don’t accuse him of cheating on me when he says “hi” to a friend at school. I’m not that girl.

However, I’ve come to realize that there is a possessive side to me. It doesn’t play out in a crazy Lorena Bobbitt type fashion, but it’s definitely there.

To help you understand what I’m talking about, first consider the following situation: Have you ever had a friend who started dating a guy, and instantaneously dove into a super serious mode? All they did was spend time together and talk about their futures and be inappropriately affectionate with one another. If it was a long distance relationship, they were probably gone every single weekend traveling to see one another.

If you had just met them, you would have thought that they’d been dating for years. It’s like they went from 0 to 60 in no time flat.

That behavior is indicative of a possessive spirit. Why? Because she is treating her boyfriend as if he belongs to her in a way that he does not. Yes, he should be faithful to her, and yes, she should have certain expectations of him that go along with a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

But he is not really “hers,” especially not in the same sense as a married couple. They should not have the same intimacy and commitment to one another that a married couple has, but often times dating couples do. They expect to see one another every day. They have the physical relationship that a married couple has. They plan their entire future together the way a married couple does.

And this all happens as soon as you start to see your boyfriend, or even fiancé, as somehow belonging to you, when, in fact, he does not.

All of this boils down to a fundamental misunderstanding of courtship. To see what I mean, I thought I’d draw up a little comparison between the worldly view of the dating process, and a more Biblical view of the dating process:

Worldly View of the Dating Process:

Dating=Marital behavior without the commitment

Engagement=Marital behavior with the commitment but without the legal status of being married

Marriage=The State now affirms the lifestyle you’ve already lived for years

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Biblical View of the Dating Process:

Dating=Considering whether marriage is a wise decision

Engagement=Preparing for marriage

Marriage=marriage

After looking at this comparison, you can see that the very first break down between these two perspectives is in the dating period. Most couples begin acting as if they somehow belong to one another as soon as they start dating, but that’s not what dating is for. The purpose of dating is to determine whether or not you should take the step of belonging to one another in marriage.

That said, as long as you’re not married, you should function under the assumption that your boyfriend could actually be someone else’s husband. Honor him, and his future wife, accordingly. He is not yours, so treat him as if he belongs to another woman.

Now before you feel like I’m being too harsh, I will admit that I’m speaking from my own struggles and temptations. Even though I’m only engaged to Ike, I’m often tempted to think of ourselves as basically being married but not living together. The temptation is most significant in our physical relationship–why not have sex if we’re going to eventually?

But the reality is that we are not married. And until we are, God reminds me that Ike is not fully mine.

Why is this so important?

The way we treat dating relationships is one of the chief reasons that so many marriages end in divorce. Marriage has essentially become a version of dating. In treating a dating relationship like a marriage, we don’t exalt dating to a more intimate level–we simply tear down marriage by no longer setting it apart.

So be cautious about how you view your boyfriend. He is not yours! He does not belong to you and you alone, so don’t treat him as if he does. Don’t have sex with him, don’t move in with him, and don’t even monopolize his time. Even if you think you’re going to get married one day, don’t depend on that fact. Many couples have broken up who KNEW they were meant for one another, so until you say “I do,” remember that he could belong to someone else.

So while you may not go crazy when he looks at another girl, you act like a possessive woman when you treat your boyfriend like a husband. And ultimately, that’s what all these forms of possessiveness are about–you are functioning in a way that does not reflect reality. Maybe you’re taking illegitimate responsibility for a guy friend, or maybe you’ve constructed a romantic fantasy with a crush, or maybe you’re acting like a married couple when you aren’t actually married yet–all of these behavior ignore reality and construct the reality we want.

And what does this tell us as women? That we need to start trusting in the goodness of God and what that means for our lives. Maybe He has something better! Maybe if we surrender control we’ll experience a kind of wonderful that we never before dreamed of having. We must stop being content to make mud pies in the slums because we cannot imagine a day at the sea. God has more for us than the shoddy dreams we’ve concocted for ourselves, and as soon as we un-clinch our possessive fists then our hands will be open to receive His bounty!

It has recently come to my attention that I am a possessive girl. But not in the way you would expect. I don’t freak out when my fiancé, Ike, talks to another girl, and I don’t accuse him of staring at other beautiful women. No, my possessiveness is far more subtle.

All this time I’d thought I was better than those “other women,” but it turns out I’m just like them in a lot of ways. And I suspect you are too.

Why? Because our relationships with men often combine a careful blend of jealousy and the need to control. We want men to prefer us, and oftentimes we try to make them. Or, we simply like to be in control, period.

In case you think this doesn’t sound like you, I have decided to put together a list of ways that you might have seen that nasty possessive side rear its ugly head in your own life. I am making it a three part blog series because each point warrants a lot of its own attention. The series will be composed of the following list:

1. You’re possessive about your guy friends

2. You’re possessive about your crushes

3. You’re possessive about your boyfriend/fiancé.

I myself have qualified under all three categories at various stages in my life, so I encourage you to read through them and be honest. This topic is important, not because we need to be less possessive, but because our possessive tendencies say a lot about our relationship with God, and others.

Part 1: You’re possessive about your guys friends

This form of possessiveness typically manifests itself as “big sister” protection. You may have absolutely no romantic interest in your friend, but you take it upon yourself to protect him from all the “unworthy women” who try to enter his life. You become very vocal about the girls he dates, stating that they need to “get your approval.” Or, you find yourself gossiping about the girls trying to get his attention–”She is SO desperate. I just can’t stand the way she throws herself at him.”

Now we often deceive ourselves into thinking that this behavior is for his own good. We’re just looking out for him. In reality, it is a manifestation of jealousy, the need to control, or both.

The jealousy dynamic tends to be the most obvious. Even in platonic friendships there is some part of us that doesn’t want to be outranked by another girl.

But even if you would be happy for your friend to find the right woman, we often act as if guys aren’t smart enough to navigate the dating process on their own. We think some Jezebel is gonna pull the wool over his eyes, so if we don’t step in he’ll end up marrying a total floozy! This behavior is all about control. It reveals that you don’t trust your friend’s judgment, nor do you trust God’s sovereignty in his life.

In addition to those issues, this behavior is a disturbing commentary on how we view other women. We treat them as if they’re dangerous predators, not our sisters in Christ. The truth is, our sisters need just as much guidance, support and love as our brothers, and it is far more appropriate for us to give that kind of care to other women than to men. But we instead treat other girls as competition, rather than co-laborers in Christ.

And what if your guy friend is interested in a non-Christian girl? Well that’s ALL THE MORE REASON to reach out to her. Yes, caution your friend against missionary dating–or better yet, encourage his other guy friends to do so–but in the mean time remember that this may be her only exposure to the sweet fellowship she might find among Christian woman, so don’t spoil that opportunity.

Those are just a few of the dynamics involved in possessiveness over male friends. I am guilty of giving into this temptation many, many times–I am a total control freak. But if you find yourself being possessive about guy friends, let it be a barometer of your heart. This behavior is not really about guys at all–it’s about the state of your heart toward God. Work on that, and the possessiveness will take care of itself.

Stay tuned for the next post on being possessive about your crushes!