This week I came across a story about a large evangelical church that exercised church discipline on one of its members in a seemingly harsh way. For those of you who haven’t read the story I hate to be a tease, but I won’t share the link here. Church discipline is an exceedingly complex and difficult process, and since the story only shares one party’s perspective I have misgivings about shedding a spotlight on it now.

After reading this story I spent a lot of time reflecting on confession, repentance and church discipline. The story resurfaced some feelings and convictions I have developed over the years about this topic. Church discipline is one of those practices that is both Biblical and restorative, but when done poorly it can also be destructive and humiliating. I have seen both.

Since I have been ruminating about these issues all week, I want to offer a few tips for responding to another Christian when they are caught in sin. These thoughts are based not only on Scripture but the mistakes I have seen others make and the mistakes I have made myself. I hope they will be helpful to you.

One of the first things to consider when a friend confesses her sin is that sin brings out sin in others, including ourselves. Sin is a bell that cannot be un-rung, and its knell penetrates everyone around it. Not only does sin negatively impact the life of the sinner and those directly impacted by the action of the sin, but it also has the ability to sour an atmosphere, to corrode trust among friends, to create division, and to tempt.

I think a lot of Christians are aware of this dynamic, which is why many people react to sin in fear. There is a fear that we will somehow be sullied by the situation or pulled down by it, a fear that leads some Christians to distance themselves relationally and emotionally from the sinner, or take extreme measures to purge the sin from the community.

However, it’s important to realize that these very reactions can also be manifestations of sin. When the sin of a friend comes to light, Satan can gain a foothold in that moment by infecting us with the brokenness of the situation, but he does so in incredibly subtle ways. Often times the greatest temptation is not the originating sin itself,  but a temptation toward self-righteousness.

While we should always be sickened by the ugliness of sin–just as God is–we must also treat the sinner the way that God does: with grace, love, compassion, and mercy. That doesn’t mean we ignore what happened and brush it off–neither did God–but God was not so righteous that He could not come to earth and be near to us in our brokenness, to deliver us from that broken state, and restore us.

When a friend is caught in sexual sin or financial sin, it is not the inclination of most Christians to draw closer. We are more likely to recoil and judge, so be on guard against the additional brokenness that is caused by this un-Christlike reaction. Self-righteousness is nothing more than a consequence of sin, and it greatly inhibits the process of church discipline and restoration.

Second, there is a crucial distinction between a repentant sinner and an unrepentant sinner. In Matthew 18:15 Jesus teaches, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” In this passage about church discipline (verses 15-20), this opening verse divides the passage in two: We are presented with the appropriate response for a repentant sinner, and the appropriate response for an unrepentant sinner. When dealing with a repentant sinner, the remaining verses of this passage are practically irrelevant.

Knowing this distinction, an unrepentant sinner is typically one who either denies their sin as being sinful, or who simply refuses to stop engaging in the sin. And while this distinction would seem clear, it is my experience that Christians have trouble determining when the sinner is “truly repentant.” As a result of this confusion, extra measures are sometimes put into place–beyond measures of accountability–to ensure that repentance has occurred.

To be fair, this is a difficult process and I sympathize with any leader who is charged with overseeing it, especially since this is the point at which church discipline can either be restorative or destructive, or a mix of both.

Every situation is different so I hesitate to prescribe a list of rules about how to detect whether a person is truly repentant or merely paying lip service. What I would encourage Christians to consider is whether the church discipline/accountability is at all punitive or excessive. Not only has Christ already paid for our sins (thereby nullifying the need for additional punishment), but the Holy Spirit also convicts and breaks us in the midst of our sin. If this conviction seems to have taken place, it is the job of the community to help the repentant Christian work toward restoration, not to ensure conviction and brokenness.

This leads me to my final thought about church discipline. We need to exercise church discipline in a way that will encourage confession among the body of Christ, not terrify people away from it. That is perhaps the most concerning element about the story I mentioned above. Regardless of the particular church’s perspective on the story, it is difficult to imagine that any church members who are struggling with the same sin would be encouraged to confess it. If repentant, confessing believers are treated to an iron fist and public humiliation, rather than compassionate chastening and disciplined restoration, the result will not be a transparent confessing community.

Confession is a tremendously difficult, humbling act by which one lay themselves bare before those they trust. Through confession one becomes extremely vulnerable. We must therefore be good stewards of this sacred trust. When a fellow Christian confesses their sin to you, you are put in a place of tremendous power to either restore them or break them further.

Church discipline is never easy and it may look harsh to those outside the church. That’s ok sometimes. But since we are sinners handling sin we are bound to respond imperfectly, and that is a humbling fact. Scripture is available to guide us, but the passages on church discipline aren’t the only relevant ones to direct us. The life and example of Christ is an even better starting point.

Well it’s that time of the semester–crunch time–and my life is a bit scrambled at the moment! I wish I had more time to be on here, but for now I thought I’d hop on and share something that has been on my mind since yesterday.

Periodically friends and blog readers will contact me to discuss a struggle in their life, a sin or a temptation in which they feel trapped. After explaining it to me, these discussions usually end with a summary comment along the lines of, “You probably think I’m horrible” or “This make me feel so ashamed” or “I’m really embarrassed to admit this.”

Those remarks are all a symptom of guilt, which is a red flag. If guilt is a part of the equation, then I have to start there. Before I even begin to address the problem at hand, I always ALWAYS address the guilt first. Otherwise, everything else is going to be a lot harder.

Scripture refers to Satan as an “accuser” (Rev. 12:10). He constantly reminds us of our inadequacies and our mistakes. He pummels us with guilt and shame because the effect is so paralyzing. That is exactly what he wants.

Rather than respond to our sin and weakness proactively, guilt and shame keep us from acting at all. When we’re ashamed, we become fearful and secretive. We hide the dark parts of our lives from others, which Satan loves. He knows that one of our primary resources is the community of believers, so as long as he can isolate us from one another, that’s half the battle. Guilt is an excellent tool toward that end.

You see it takes a lot of strength to deal with sin properly. It requires that one be a person of integrity, humility and inner fortitude. To deal with a habitual sin, you can’t be too ashamed to ask your friends for help, and you need the willpower to make structural changes in your life. All of this requires courage. So if a brother or sister in Christ is in bondage to guilt and shame, they won’t have access to the kind of courage required for true, life-changing repentance.

With all of that in mind, guilt and shame must be dealt with first. That is not to say that feelings of remorse or conviction are misplaced–they are the work of the Holy Spirit–but the self-focused, self-deprecating despair that is the handiwork of the Enemy? That is the kind of guilt I’m talking about. This kind of guilt tells you to run and hide and don’t tell anyone. It is cowardly. It is impotent.

So the next time a friend comes to you with a confession, remind them first of the forgiveness they have in Christ. God is not surprised by their sin nor is He scandalized by it. He already died on the cross for their sin, so personal crucifixion is no longer necessary. To punish ourselves is to imply that Christ’s atoning sacrifice was not enough.

But it is enough. We are set free, and with that freedom we can go about the work of living holy lives. Because we are no longer bound by guilt, we have the courage to change.

This past weekend I heard a fascinating interview with a Stanford professor of psychology named Carol Dweck, who is author of the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck studies the psychology of failure, and what she has discovered not only has implications for parenting, but has the potential to shed insight on the Christian life as well.

In the interview, Dweck explained that failure is an important part of growth. Some of the most successful individuals in history–Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, and Mozart, to name a few–all experienced tremendous failures that shaped who they would later become.

Although failure can result in growth, that doesn’t mean it will. In her research, Dweck discovered that children respond to failure in two different ways, depending on the way they think. Those children who are destroyed by failure–and therefore avoid challenges–are operating out of a fixed mindset. They believe that intelligence is a fixed trait that you either have or you don’t, so they avoid situations that might reveal personal incompetence. To them, failure is a sign that they lack intelligence, so they have no resilience in the face of a mistake.

On the other hand, some young people enjoy a challenge, and Dweck contends that they operate out of a growth mindset. They understand that their intelligence can develop, so they welcome challenge and see failure as a part of growth.

What does this research mean for parents? Dweck warns that the manner in which parents praise their children can encourage either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Those parents who focus on praising the intelligence of the child–ie. “You’re so smart! You are brilliant!”–foster a fixed mindset. And it backfires. The children become invested in their intelligence as a part of their identity, and thus become insecure when they fail. Dweck explains,

“The self-esteem movement almost brain-washed us, the idea we can hand our children self-esteem on a platter by telling them they’re great, they’re smart, they’re talented and gifted. It doesn’t work that way. Those statements make children more fragile.”

Luckily, parents can avoid this pitfall by praising the way that children think, or the way they approach a problem. Dweck tells parents to praise the process the child is engaged in. Praise the effort, strategy, the willingness to take on hard tasks, and their persistence in the face of obstacles. This way, children develop a growth mindset, enjoy difficulty, and can keep on going when they fail. Dweck adds,

“By saying, ‘I like the way you worked on that’ or ‘I like the strategies you’re trying’ or ‘I like that you picked that hard task. You’re going to learn from it!’ Those are the things that teach children how to build and maintain their self-esteem on their own while they’re growing.”

Dweck adds that “process praise” of children between the ages of 1 and 3 will predict their mindset and desire for challenge 5 years later. However, this early window is not all that determines one’s future mindset. Dweck encouraged listeners that this kind of mindset can be adopted at any age.

I think this research is so helpful, and it makes a lot of sense. Each year I hear more and more research that counteracts much of the self-esteem movement’s strategy. Apparently unearned heaps of praise are not always good for you, at any age.

This research also highlights a couple spiritual parallels between human development and spiritual growth. In the same way that a fixed mindset inhibits intellectual growth, I inhibit my faith when I assume myself to be more spiritually mature or perfected than I actually am. And in the same way that  children can grow from failure if they so choose, I can do the same in my spiritual life. Whether my failure is spiritual, moral, or professional, failure can be an opportunity to accept my weakness and embrace God’s strength. I can either crumble and despair, or I can allow my failure to be the location of growth and God’s glory. I find that to be a great reminder for Christians, as well as parents who are sure to make a few mistakes along the way.

Hi friends. Today I have a message for you that probably isn’t new. You’ve likely heard it many times before. But if you’re like me you need to hear it again and again, which is why I am sharing this message once more. I hope it is what you need to hear today.

A lot of Christians serve in their churches, attend Bible studies, sing in the choir, or lead ministry events, all while a terrible thought looms deep in the back of their minds: “If they only knew.” The Christian call is a tall order, after all, so it’s no surprise that a lot of us feel like fakes. Everyone sees the church version of your faith and the Facebook version of your family, but no one sees you arguing with your spouse, struggling with addiction, fighting an eating disorder, or succumbing to doubt. As a result, many of us feel like we’re living a double life.

If that’s you, if you feel like a fake who has everyone fooled, if you struggle with the fear that if they only knew the real you, they wouldn’t let you serve in church or even darken the doors of the building, I have two thoughts for you.

First, you’re not alone. Scripture tells us that Satan is an accuser (Rev. 12:10). He makes it his mission to point out your faults and shame you with your mistakes. He will paralyze you with guilt and humiliation. And as a result, you will hide from one of the key resources God gives us for fighting temptation: the Christian community.

If you are struggling with the shame of hypocrisy, one of the first and most important steps you can take is to tell someone. Find someone you trust, someone who will speak truth and grace and forgiveness into your heart, and confess your sin. And do it often. It’s scary, to say the least, but it also unlocks the power of Satan’s accusations. He wants you to be paralyzed in isolation. He wants you to be cut off from spiritual resources and he wants you to despair. Don’t let him. Talk to your Christian friends, and hear about the mercy and love you have in Christ.

Second, your sins are already forgiven. How many of us live as if salvation is by grace, but sanctification is by works? It is an easy trap to fall into given how many testimonies are essentially spiritual “befores” and “afters.” We assume that life is only a mess before conversion, but after conversion everything is neat and tidy. Well it’s not…..at least, it hasn’t been for me. I don’t think it was for Paul either (Rom. 7:15-19). Which is why we must constantly remember that Christ died for the sins we already committed, and the sins we have yet to commit.

These two truths are important, not simply because they combat the suffocating shame that accompanies sin, but because they set us free to serve God. That’s what’s at stake in all of this. The ultimate problem with guilt is not its effects on your self-worth, though that is indeed a negative consequence. The ultimate problem with guilt is that it fixes your eyes on yourself, taking your focus off of God and off of neighbor. In short, shame prevents you from fulfilling the two greatest commandments.

That is why, as Hebrews 12:1 explains, sin so easily entangles. We not only get caught in the act of sin, but the shame of sin as well. So while it is important to cast off sin and pursue a holy life, it is also important to cast off guilt and shame. These partners in crime have no place in the Christian life, and until we free ourselves of the very things which Christ put to death on the cross, we will be unable to “run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

So if that’s you today, if you are wrestling with shame and guilt, confess that shame to a loving friend and cast off the guilt that has already been removed in Christ. Run the race marked out for you, and pursue God with abandon. Hear that truth today.

When Ike and I first got married, our personalities landed on very different ends of the spectrum between justice and mercy. While I have always been a “truth speaker”–meaning I see things in black and white, tend to be dogmatic, and speak my mind before pausing to listen–Ike is a peacemaker. He is very intuitive, has a great grasp on the complexities of a situation, and he understands people. Whereas I am quick to cast judgment, Ike is slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Early on in our relationship, this difference created problems. I accused Ike of failing to speak on matters of truth. I pushed him when I thought he needed to be pushed, and I became even angrier when he didn’t share my sentiments. “How does this not upset you?” I would ask. Of course, my criticism only provoked defensiveness in him, and the conversations unraveled from there.

This difference in our personalities has resulted in more arguments than any other issue in our marriage. My criticism of Ike’s graciousness betrayed a lack of trust in his judgment, and that was hurtful to him. My criticism was also ineffective. No matter how firmly I stated my case,  no matter how crystal clear I believed the truth to be, Ike was not to be moved by force. Rather than convince him, my strong-arm method neither changed his mind nor endeared me to him. In fact, it did just the opposite.

Which is why I slowly began to change. Because conviction and argumentation had proven to be fruitless methods of persuasion, I adjusted. I noticed the strengths in Ike’s personality, and how it won him the respect of everyone he knows. I noticed the manner in which Ike’s humility and gentleness draw humility and gentleness out of me, even when we’re arguing. I realized that, through his patience and his willingness to listen, Ike’s words have a kind of weight and authority that cannot be won with superior skills of reasoning or numerous educational degrees. He has all of those things, but it’s not the reason people respect and love him.

Meanwhile, I recognized the weaknesses in my justice-oriented thinking. It’s not that justice doesn’t have its place–Ike would tell you that God has used me to make him a bolder man–but truth without mercy is only a hammer.

I therefore worked to change my ways, and my personality eventually followed. If you ask anyone in my family today, they will tell you that I have changed. Because of the way God uses Ike, I am a different person now than when I got married.

This change has had repercussions outside our marriage as well. As I have changed, the way I do ministry has changed also. In the same way that I assaulted Ike with truth, I am tempted to do the same with Scripture. When someone’s life is out of line, my instinct is to call it like it is–SIN. I can get pretty judgmental pretty fast.

Fortunately my marriage to Ike has resulted in pastoral growth. I am learning to listen and to meet people where they’re at. I’m learning to be patient with others and journey with them as they grow, occasionally screw up, and grow some more. I am learning to be more humble, and to get out of the way to make room for God.

Before I met Ike, I desired a marriage in which my husband and I could serve God better together than apart. Years later, God has answered that prayer beyond what I could have imagined. I truly am a better disciple because of Ike. Working through our every day interactions in the privacy of our home, God is making us into better servants of the world outside.

How has your marriage changed you?

This week the media has been aflutter with stories about New York Representative Anthony Weiner and his extra-marital infidelities. His case is particularly unique because the infidelities were not explicitly physical. His actions were limited to the cyber world, which relegates them to a rather blurry realm. The scandal raises questions about what actually constitutes cheating, and what exactly Weiner was guilty of doing.

One of my favorite responses to the scandal was written by Liberty University English professor Karen Swallow Prior for Her.meneutics. In her piece titled Anthony Weiner, Gnostic, Prior exposed the body/mind divide inherent in Weiner’s defense. To some of Weiner’s defenders, the severity of the transgression is blunted by the fact that it never happened in person, and it does not impact his ability to lead. It was a cyber affair that never culminated in an “actual affair,” and we should let his private life be private.

Prior, on the other hand, argues that the logic behind such reasoning is as old as the infamous heresy of Gnosticism. Any ideology that draws a hard, clear line between the body and the mind, ranking physical action above heart orientation, is departing from Christian orthodoxy.

Here it is important to note that Gnostic belief was far more complex than the simple divide between body and mind. In fact, after first posting this Prior contacted me to say the use of the term “Gnostic” was the editor’s insertion, not her own words. But all terminology aside, I appreciate Prior’s perspective on the unhealthy dualism in play. She provides a terrific lens for thinking through the questions raised by this scandal. The idea that we can compartmentalize our bodies from our minds so cleanly–or that sins are only real if committed bodily–runs up against the very words of Christ. When that sort of language is thrown around in the media, we need to name it properly.

However, as detestable as Weiner’s actions were, he is also a scapegoat of sorts, a symbol of our generation’s blatant double standard between “real world” and “virtual” behavior. In addition to the pervasive addiction to internet pornography in the church (ie. it’s not cheating if it’s not real), Christians freely hate others in their hearts and on their Facebook statuses, even though few would have the guts to express that hate in person. We are rarely as bold in “real life” as we are on the internet or in our minds.

This double standard is typically attributed to the anonymity of the internet, but Prior’s accusation of body-mind dualism is fair. Let’s be honest: As long as we can limit our vices to the virtual reality of our minds and cyber space, it doesn’t seem quite so real. Yes, those vices are wrong but they seem just a little less wrong than actually having an affair or inflicting actual physical harm on a Christian brother or sister.

Of course this flimsy logic is easily rebutted by Jesus’ words in Matthew 5. In God’s economy, sins of the heart are real. You don’t have to meet a woman in person to sin against her. What you think in your heart and what you see or do on the internet is just the same to God. It is just as real as the act itself.

On a final note, this mind-body dualism has a sister. While some Christians rank the body over the mind, others do the reverse. For some, what we do with our bodies matters less than the heart orientations of love and mercy. This camp gives greater weight to the heart and the mind, and what we do with our bodies is a little more relative.

This dualism, too, is theologically problematic. It is against God’s design for holistic human beings who reflect God with both our bodies and our minds. While love and mercy are certainly essential to God’s intent for us, they fit hand in hand with God’s instructions to honor Him, and others, with our bodies.

In sum, if you remember nothing else from the Weiner scandal and the discussions that follow, remember this: All of you matters to God, and all of you matters to the church of which you are a part. When we divide ourselves in two (or three or four or five), we end up hurting ourselves, hurting others, and disobeying our First Love. Who you are, every bit of you, matters.

Since Tuesday, Ike and I have been staying in New Bern, NC where, later today, Ike will preside over the wedding of a close college friend. The bride’s family generously invited us to come early and stay at the house where the wedding will be held, so we have spent the last few days enjoying the gorgeous scenery and quality time with friends here. If you’ve never been to New Bern, it’s worth a trip–it’s a BEAUTIFUL place!

One of my favorite things about my time here has been the quiet mornings. Even as I write this, I am sitting outside while everyone else inside sleeps. I’m drinking a cup of coffee, watching the sun rise, and looking out on a giant, peaceful river. I wish I could stay here forever! It’s been just the thing I needed to have some great time with the Lord, and I’ve really been able to drink it in.

Ironically, one of the passages God has brought to my attention during these quiet mornings is a verse in Proverbs about self-control. I say “ironically” because the last few days have been about anything BUT self-control. If you’re from the South, you probably know what I’m talking about. Since Tuesday, we have eaten and eaten and EATEN! Two nights ago we had seafood, and every square inch of the fish, shrimp, scallops and oysters had been fried within an inch of its life. We have been so well fed for breakfast, lunch and dinner, with rich and tasty desserts following almost every meal. I feel like a turkey being fattened for Thanksgiving, and it has been delightful!

Granted, this week is a celebration so I don’t want to detract from the festivities with my guilt issues about food. Nevertheless, the combination of massive eating and my meditations on Proverbs 25:28 has been interesting. This particular verse explains,

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.

I actually wrote on this passage a few years ago so I won’t reiterate those points here. The lesson that stood out to me most this time was the reminder that self-control is a fruit of the spirit.

For some reason, that truth was a convicting one to me. I have written a lot about self-control over the years, but I have tended to think of it more as a virtue than a work of God in the heart of a believer. While the former perspective views self-control as a general good, the latter perspective views self-control as essential.

When I fail to exercise self-control in what I eat, what I watch on t.v., what I look at on the internet, and what I talk about with my friends, that is a spiritual issue. I often fail to make this connection because the absence of self-control is not always linked to a sin. For instance, it’s not wrong for me to have an extra helping of dessert and it’s not a sin for me to log onto Facebook any number of times a day.

But therein lies the importance of self-control. It goes deeper than the overt face value of an action, and instead looks at the heart. Self-control asks: What is at the root of my inability to abstain from excess? What insecurity or passion is driving my actions, rather than surrender to God?

Those are the questions raised by the fruit of self-control. Self-control is ultimately the difference between surrendering to God or surrendering to the flesh. You are driven either by the Holy Spirit or by your passions.

One area where self-control does get tricky is the topic of food. While many Christians struggle to exercise self-control with their portions, eating disorders should not be understood as evidence of this spiritual fruit. Eating disorders are frequently a symptom of over-controlling, and in those instances the absence of self-control is manifested in the inability to stop controlling. Gripped by fear and the need to control, this individual cannot NOT control. In relation to food, it is difficult for these individuals to simply be, to simply trust God and enjoy His creation. In the same way that some people can’t resist food or gossip or pornography, some people can’t resist control.

Eating disorders also raise the important point that self-control exists within a larger context. This context consists of the spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness (Gal. 5:22-23). Each one of these virtues is inextricably tied to one another, so the goal is not self-control for self-control’s sake. Self-control should help you to love yourself, God and others better. It should help maintain your peace and joy in Christ. It ensures that you are a person of gentleness, as opposed to one of reflexive anger and judgment.

This weekend I will certainly enjoy the good food of this wedding celebration, but I will try to do so as a choice and not a compulsion. At the heart of it all, that is what self-control is about: choice. It’s easy to go through each day without considering the weight of our actions and what they say about our faith. But each day is full of choices. We can surrender to God or surrender to the flesh. And while that prospect is intimidating, self-control is not rooted in the self at all. As Galatians teaches, it is a fruit of the Spirit that begins first with God. As I aim to practice this fruit more consistently, my beginning point has been and will continue to be prayer.

Well it’s hard to believe that Lent is over and my blogging fast has ended! Thank you to all the wonderful people who supported me in my decision. It meant a lot to be loved and missed, but I am also confident that it was the right decision. Not only was it a tremendous time of rest, but it highlighted some especially stubborn areas of sin in my life.

In particular, this time has taught me how slyly and sinisterly my motives run askew. I discussed this some in my last post, but it became all the more clear over the last 40 days. Every time someone commented on how much better my writing would probably be as a result of this fast, I secretly thought, “I sure hope so!” Obviously the simple desire to write well is not wrong, but at the heart of this desire is an ugly self-interest. A part of me wanted to use this fast, which was meant for God, to serve my own gain.

However, this self-serving orientation did not begin with my blog. It has been entrenched in my heart throughout the course of my life. And while God has certainly refined me over the years, I am still very much interested in my own personal success, placing God’s glory at a distant second. For a blog titled “She Worships,” it seems as though a name like “She Worships Herself” would be more fitting.

Fortunately, there is hope! While this season has opened my eyes to the stubbornness of my pride, I have also seen growth. For instance, God used this time to remind me of my own unimportance. I know that sounds a little self-deprecating, but for a pride-addict like me it was a healthy antidote. When I stopped blogging, the world did not fall to pieces and I continued to have meaningful ministry opportunities as well. Whereas I used to agonize over missing a few days of blogging, I now have a healthier perspective on my role in God’s work. Yes, I matter, but only as much as any other member of the Body of Christ.

Finally, this fast has reminded me why I need the Gospel every day. Even the good things in my life, the things I love to do and the gifts I enjoy to exercise, can become prisons of my own making. If I am not careful to remember that I am free in Christ and that there is NOTHING I can do to add to my salvation or improve my value, I will slip into a production driven ministry.

Freedom is a reality I have to fight for. To some of you, this blog fast may have seemed silly or difficult to relate to, but my writing idolatry is attached to something deeper and more dangerous. My heart perpetually gravitates towards bondage and destruction, and I take that temptation very seriously. If I don’t keep it in check, my freedom in Christ will be freedom in name alone.

That is why my main take-away lesson from the last 40 days is to change my writing schedule. It may not look much different on the outside, but I’m going to stop writing for the purpose of blog traffic. I’m going to stop writing so that fresh material is always up. Instead, I will only write when I feel free to, not because I have to. And I will only write when the Spirit provokes. If I have something to say, then I will write. Otherwise, I’ll let it lie. It’s funny how inaction can be the most powerful action you take.

Thanks again for all the love and support! I love my wonderful blog community!!

Lately my husband and I have fallen into a bit of a bad habit. In fact, even as I write this post I’m engaged in the very act of it! We are sitting on the couch, next to each other, both on our laptops with the television on, not speaking. We are together, but we aren’t interacting with each other. And unfortunately this happens a lot. At the end of a long day we are both exhausted and barely up to the task of talking, so we opt for the low maintenance quality time of studying together or watching t.v. together  (although the “quality” aspect of it is rather questionable).

I think this is a pretty normal problem for couples, as well as friends. It is amazing how less intentional I became with friends after we moved in together. Rarely did we schedule meals to catch up and chat. We just assumed that, by the very nature of living together, we knew what was going on in one another’s lives.

The thing is, intimacy is not a passive activity. It’s not something that just happens on its own. In fact, it can require a lot of hard work, which means we’re likely to take the path of least resistance instead. Rather than put in the effort of getting to know someone, we either make no effort at all and spend our time on less demanding activities, or we find less demanding, superficial ways of bonding.

When I realize this has happened to a relationship in my life, I work toward re-centering it. Oftentimes, that means cutting out the activity that has distracted us from genuine closeness. For example, one of the ways that women bond with one another is through gossip. It may start out with the best of intentions–concern about a friend, perhaps–but it easily morphs into something dishonorable. Another way that women bond is through shopping together, which is not in itself wrong, but it can reinforce bad habits or encourage materialistic temptations.

In both cases, the strength of those friendships might benefit from an intentional pruning of the unhealthy behaviors. When it comes to shopping or talking about others, the women might consider taking a break. In the case of me and my husband, we might consider turning off the t.v. for awhile. In each of these scenarios, the relationships would benefit from a period of fasting from the habits that stifle their growth.

Fasting is perhaps one of the most unobserved Christian disciplines in all of Scripture. I suspect that one of the main reasons Christians brush off fasting is because we don’t understand it. It is difficult to discern any direct correlation between fasting and discipleship. Why would God ask us to abstain from something like food in order to seek Him? Is prayer not enough?

Given this confusion, I hope the above illustrations are a helpful way to conceive of fasting. Of course, there is more to fasting than intimacy with God–such as obedience–but one of the chief functions of fasting is to temporarily remove distractions from our lives in order to focus more intentionally on Him. Through fasting, we remove those low maintenance security blankets that have gradually morphed into God-supplanting idols. And food is a significant one. What else do we depend on more for our very existence? What sustains us more on a daily basis? Is there anything more basic than this most basic necessity?

Practically speaking, most of us depend more on food than on God. For that reason, fasting from food is a relational wake-up call. We might be following God but we are depending on food, and that mindset has an effect on our relationship with Him. So we fast, on occasion, to check our hearts and remove anything that has grown to a place of unhealthy standing between us and Him.

With all of this in mind, I encourage you to consider fasting during Lent this year. It begins in just over 2 weeks (Ash Wednesday is on March 9) and extends until Easter. It is a Christian tradition to fast during this season, but many believers observe the practice as an act of sheer willpower, a test of their personal discipline. They approach it the way someone might approach running a marathon, not growing in intimacy with the Lord.

To resist this pitfall, I encourage to spend the next 2 weeks searching your heart and studying your life. What stands between you and intimacy with God? What does your heart gravitate towards instead of doing the hard work of cultivating a relationship with Him? Once you have pinpointed an area that needs to be pruned, resolve to fast from it during Lent and choose an accountability partner in the process. Maybe the two of you can fast together! Ultimately, the challenge is not whether you can last the whole 40 days, but whether you are closer to the heart of God afterward.

And if you have any particularly creative ideas for observing Lent, please share them here! I’m still praying about how I will observe Lent this year, and I would love to hear from you.

This weekend my church had a guest preacher named Dr. Dan Allender, a psychologist, who spoke on the topic of intimacy. He preached out of Genesis 1-3 and raised an issue that I had NEVER before considered. In Genesis 3 we read about God’s curse upon Adam and Eve as a result of their sin, a curse that we continue to experience today. For women in particular, our plight is spelled out in verse 16:

To the woman he said,“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

I’ve read this verse many times before, so none of it was news to me. That is, until Dr. Allender made the following comment in regard to the pain of childbearing. He said, “Women cannot avoid this curse simply by not having children.”

Dr. Allender’s words revealed a tremendous deficiency in my prior reading of the curse upon women. My assumption of its scope had been far too small. Whenever I considered the pain of childbearing, my mind immediately flashed forward to the delivery room where I would be in massive pain for a day, and then it would be over. End of story. The second part of the curse, I chalked up to the occasional difficulty in marriage.

But what if I hadn’t gotten married? And what if I can’t have biological children? Does that mean the curse doesn’t apply to me? Are only married women and mothers especially cursed?

Clearly not. The effects of the Fall are cosmic in nature–nothing is left untouched or unbroken. So when the Bible talks about the “curse,” it is not so much an arbitrarily designated punishment in two areas of a woman’s life, but instead a description of the all-encompassing brokenness of her life and relationships.

But how does the curse relate to women who aren’t married and don’t have children? Here, Dr. Allender pointed to the reality that women experience pain and hardship whenever they give birth to new relationships, whether it is a mother-child relationship, or simply a friendship. For women, relationships are both our greatest source of strength as well as our greatest source of agony. Broken relationships with parents, children, spouses, or trusted friends can wound us in ways that we almost never recover from. That is not to say that men are not wounded by their friends or family members, but when I look at my life in comparison with my husband’s, there is a thematic difference between the two of us. For me, the pain of wounded relationships has a recurring role.

Similarly, the broken male-female relationship described by the second part of the curse is not limited to marriage. It can play out in dating relationships, friendships, or even in families. Any time a woman looks to a man for wholeness in an idolatrous way, and any time a man dominates a woman in an oppressive or violent manner, it is a mark of the curse.

Why does this matter? Why bother harping on the curse? First, because it gives a name to the common turmoil of female relationships. From the time we were little girls, our relationships have been under the curse. Rather than feel isolated by or enslaved to those broken relationships, we can be empowered by the knowledge of our common condition.

But more importantly, the whole span of the Bible is the story of God’s undoing of the curse. And we are a part of that story. As daughters of God we are called to serve as agents of redemption in a world plagued by the curse of Genesis 3. Its reversal is ultimately accomplished by Christ, but we still get to be a part of the overturn. Our lives are signposts of hope directing people toward God’s good and perfect future. No matter our life circumstances we are all under the curse, but as Christians we are all part of its redemption as well. Our relationships may test us by targeting our greatest vulnerabilities, but they’re also the destination for our mission of hope in this world.