As a single woman I formed a bad habit that has now followed me into marriage. I wish I’d dealt with it years ago, but it took being married to bring the habit to light. You see when I was single, I made a habit of checking out attractive men. The habit wasn’t so much an issue of lust as it was an issue of pride. I wanted to see if guys would notice me back. I wanted the attention. Since it never went any further than that, and I was single, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me at the time.

The problem is that habits die hard.

Now, whenever I’m at the grocery store or the mall and I see an attractive man, there’s a part of me that still wants him to notice me. It’s totally absurd because I’m not actually interested, nor does his opinion even matter. I have a hot man at home who notices me every day, and I am committed to him. My reason for wanting this attention has nothing to do with the state of my marriage or how well my husband cares for me. It’s simply become a matter of habit that I reinforced over years and years and years.

Now some of you might wonder, “What’s so bad about a) admiring an attractive person in a non-lustful way, or b) appreciating it when someone else admires you?” The problem is that both of these supposedly innocent acts are really just smoke screens for the seeds of sin.

Proverbs 17:24 tells us, “A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.” If my marriage is healthy but I’m forming a habit of looking elsewhere, checking out the goods and enjoying attention from other men, what do you think I’ll default to when my marriage goes through a season of hardship? I will have foolishly created a coping mechanism outside of my marriage, and that can have devastating consequences. A seemingly innocent habit can lay the foundation for any number of tragic mistakes.

That’s why I’m teaching myself a new habit: don’t look twice. We can’t help it if we notice an attractive person. God created beautiful things and that’s a fact, but it’s how we respond to those beautiful things that define us. My husband often talks about me being “his standard of beauty.” That is to say that instead of comparing me to other women and noticing the ways in which I don’t measure up to the culture’s standard of beauty, he sees me as THE standard. Lucky for me, that means I always measure up!

I think it’s healthy for women to do the same. While women don’t tend to be quite as visual as men, we’re still bombarded with images of men with rock hard abs who have all their hair on their head. More than a few of us struggle with comparing the men in our lives to these unrealistic standards, so we need to make sure our husbands become our own “standard of beauty” as well.

And lastly, to all the single gals out there I can’t say enough that who you are as a single woman is who you will be as a married woman. Habits and behaviors that seem permissible now will follow you into marriage, so figure out what is beneficial for you and stick to it. The lifestyle you are creating for yourself now has the potential to either strengthen or sabotage a marriage. I honestly believe that more marriages would succeed if people had learned to do singleness better. So no matter your stage in life, don’t look twice. There are attractive people in this world, but keep wisdom in view. It is a far better guide.

Actually, my husband is NOT annoying at all. In fact, if anyone in my marriage is annoying, it’s definitely me.

“My Husband is Annoying” is the name of a popular blog that is taking the blogosphere by storm. You can check it out here: myhusbandisannoying.com

The premise of the blog, which you can read in the “About” section, is that it’s written by a newlywed who had never lived in the same city as her husband until 2 weeks before they got married. And while she loves her husband and is grateful to be married to him, she’s also learning about all the “annoying” things that he does–such as leaving all his shaved whiskers in the sink, or forgetting to shower every day.

As simple as the premise sounds, the blog has blown up. The woman who writes it has appeared on Oprah, and she’s received a lot of press for it. Plus, women all over the country are now sending her pictures of their own annoying husbands. On “Photo Friday” she posts numerous comical pictures of husbands acting like dufuses, and women everywhere are bonding with one another over their common plight.

Now I’m not gonna lie–parts of this blog are hilarious. There’s one post that she wrote her husband blaming the dog every time he farts. I was reading it in Barnes and Noble and I was laughing so hard I was crying. The guy sitting across from me probably thought I was having a mental breakdown.

But without making too much out of it, I have to express some concern over the motivations behind this blog. While every woman can relate to the divide between the sexes (I’m certainly learning new and surprising things about my husband every day!) we stray into dangerous territory when we start belittling our husbands.

This blog might be harmless were this sentiment not a legitimate struggle for women. I find in myself all the time a temptation to be sarcastic with my husband. For instance, before the wedding I went shopping with my mother-in-law for her dress, and she found one that she really liked. The dress was pleated and had a pewter color to it, but when we sent Ike a picture of it, he shot it down immediately because “it looked like what Shredder wore.” (In case you missed it, that’s a reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) After getting off the phone with him I looked at a sales associate, rolled my eyes and stated, “He’s a guy. What does he know!”

I HATE when I do that! I hate when I talk about my husband like he’s just some dumb guy. He is NOT just some dumb guy. He is brilliant and attentive and funny and he’s got the most beautiful servant heart. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, which is why I married him. So why am I tempted to say junk like that?

Even in the safest of environments, there still remains in me a competitive spirit, a need to put others down to keep myself on top. And this plays out in my marriage as well. I want to be the sharpest, the wittiest, the winner of every argument, the one with the last word. But this kind of attitude is lethal for a marriage if it’s allowed to grow. These little sarcastic comments and jabs are like the “little foxes” described in Song of Solomon. In chapter 2 verse 15 we are advised to catch “the little foxes that spoil the vineyards.” Those little foxes seem harmless at first–not like a plague of locusts or anything. But after those foxes keep coming back, over and over again, chipping away at the blossoming vineyard, bit by bit–pretty soon there will be nothing left. We’ll wake up one day to find that the vineyard has been ravaged right under our noses.

That is the danger of these little jabs and remarks at my husband. I am chipping away, not only at the health of the marriage, but my own heart. I am assuming a posture of disrespect, teaching myself things about his character and nature that simple aren’t true. If I continue to do so, pretty soon I’ll believe them.

The women who post on this blog have been duped by the lie that our media is selling. Most sitcoms portray a gorgeous wife who is married to an overweight buffoon. Regardless of how skinny you are and how chubby your husband may be, this stereotype is a perversion of the truth. Women are not always right, always smarter, wiser and more attentive. We are all fallen people who mess up, and we deceive ourselves by placing the weight of that brokenness on another person’s shoulders. We are contributing to it just as much.

The little foxes are the ultimate destroyers of intimacy. This is true of friendship as well. If we want to have authentic, self-giving, loving relationships that reflect the heart of God, then we need to guard our tongues and take seriously the jokes that we brush off as seemingly innocent. Not only does my husband deserve far better, but that is the last thing that should characterize the people of God. We should be known by our love, not our sarcastic blogs.

This week I was listening to the radio and heard an interview with an author who just published a fascinating yet controversial book entitled “The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner’s Semester at America’s Holiest University.” The author’s name is Kevin Roose, and he is a student at Brown University who enrolled at Liberty University for a semester as a kind of secular undercover mission into the evangelical world.

Though I have not read the book, I was pleasantly surprised by how sympathetically Roose described his time at Liberty. He found some of the teaching to be archaic and biased, but he was also touched by the friendships he made. Contrary to my expectations, he did not sensationalize his time there, nor did he talk about it in over-generalizations or extremes. Coming from such a young author, that is especially rare and commendable.

(For a great review of the book, check out this article in Christianity Today here.)

Some of Roose’s crticisms are clearly warranted, but there was one perspective with which I disagreed, and that concerned the time he spent with a campus self-help group called “Every Man’s Battle.” The group was for male students resisting the temptation to masturbate, and while Roose felt that such a support group was sympathetic in nature, he was sorry that those men were made to “feel guilty about doing something that isn’t wrong.”

Upon hearing Roose’s words, it dawned on me how absurd the Christian teachings against masturbation must sound to the world. After all, you’re not actually having sex, and no one is getting hurt. What could possibly be wrong with it?

In fact, I wonder if a lot of Christians, particularly women, don’t really know why it’s wrong. There isn’t any clear Scriptural teaching against it, so it’s possible that many believers only have a vague conception based on the fact that it’s sexual and because their youth minister used to warn them about it.

With this in mind, I want to briefly explain why the practice of masturbation is so toxic to the Christian life. I know this seems like a weird topic for a women’s blog, but that is perhaps the first myth that we need to get out of the way. Masturbation is not just “every man’s battle.” Many women struggle with it as well. But regardless of whether you wrestle with this issue or not, it’s important to understand the dangers involved so that you can articulate them in compelling ways. Saying “It’s gross!” just isn’t going to cut it.

The main reason that masturbation seems so harmless is that it doesn’t hurt anyone. Some guys might use it as a way to relieve sexual tension so that they won’t try to have sex with their girlfriends. This would in turn sound like a means for staying MORE pure, right? Or for some of you, it feels good and it isn’t hurting anyone, so why not?

The problem with these 2 perspectives is that they overlook two very important realities about human nature and relationships:

1. Unlike physical appetite, sexual appetite only increases when you feed it, not lessens it.

2. Sex is inherently relational, but we sabotage this fundamental aspect of sex when we divorce it from its created purpose.

Let me tease these points out a bit more…

Point 1:

As I said, sexual appetite increases the more you feed it, so if you are turning to masturbation as a means to abstain from sexual intercourse, you are setting yourself up to fail. Aside from the fact that masturbation is frequently accompanied by lustful thoughts, which Jesus likens to the act of adultery, you are training yourself to desire that stimulation more and more. What can result is either an addiction to masturbation (hence the self-help group), or an eventual succumbing to sexual intercourse before marriage.

In trying to stay pure, you are instead shooting yourself in the foot.

Point 2:

One of THE biggest mistakes that our culture makes in determining its moral standards is short-sightedness. As long as there is no short-term damage, we don’t see anything wrong with it. It is this short-sightedness that enables us to engage in carefree promiscuity, masturbation, or even the “more innocent” serial dating. We plan to change our behaviors once we get married, but for now we’re living the unattached, single life.

The problem with this thinking is that it underestimates the power of our habits. We somehow think that after living one way for 20 years, we can suddenly change upon saying “I do.” But this is not the case. If we establish a pattern of dating tons of people, sleeping with lots of lovers, or masturbating to attain sexual satisfaction, those habits will still be ingrained in us as we enter marriage. That’s why so many marriages fail–Americans are not equipping themselves with the skills they need to make a marriage work. They’re doing just the opposite.

That said, masturbation may seem harmless in the short-term, but it can wreak havoc on your marriage. In particular, it can cause major problems for your sexual relationship with your spouse. If you can satisfy yourself better than your spouse can, then that has severe implications for your intimacy and trust with them.

Ladies, this point is especially important for you! Because women are stimulated differently than men, and because we know our bodies better than men, women who struggle with masturbation may find it easier to do it themselves than depend on their husband for sexual satisfaction. And if you are no longer satisfied by your husband sexually, then it’s likely you aren’t satisfying him, which results in a whole host of marital problems.

Suffice it to say, if you are training yourself to masturbate as a single person, you will not stop when you get married. And to believe that such habit-forming behaviors are harmless is like walking head-on into a coming freight train without a care in the world. It is naiveté at its worst.

Until our culture starts acknowledging that our single behaviors affect our married behaviors more than almost any other factor, I fear the divorce rate will continue to rise.

There have been entire books written on this topic so I could go on and on–there are many other reasons why masturbation is destructive that I have not even mentioned. (For instance, just look up the term “self-abuse” in the Oxford English Dictionary and you’ll find “masturbation” listed under its definitions. That has interesting implications for masturbation’s impact on you as an individual…) But in the interest of time, I hope this was a sufficient summary of the dangers associated with masturbation–especially for you young ladies who may not have given it much thought. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Remember that Christian teachers and preachers do not warn against masturbation simply because they’re prudes, or because they’ve been brain-washed into thinking it’s wrong. They teach against it because they’re wise and they know that ALL actions have consequences sooner or later. God created us to have open, honest, trusting, self-giving relationships of love and commitment, and masturbation is just one means of short-circuiting this goal. It may seem harmless now, but don’t be guilty of a naiveté or denial that will later come back to haunt you.

I don’t know why, but one of my all-time favorite t.v. shows is the Haunted Destination show on the Travel Channel. It isn’t one of those “reality t.v.” shows in which people go into spooky places and get the mess scared out of them by the producers. It’s a good old fashioned show about haunted houses, mansions, prisons, etc. that includes stories of what happens there, and the theories about why.

However, as much as I love watching these shows, I have to be careful. If I watch them too late at night or when I’m home by myself, I start to get so creeped out that I have to turn the t.v. off or change it to the Disney Channel. I just can’t handle it.

(The same goes for news stories about serial killers)

The reason I’m bringing this up today is to demonstrate how powerful the imagination is, and how profoundly our imaginations are affected by the television we watch and the movies we see. This is something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately.

Like every “good little Christian girl,” I tend to avoid movies that have sex and excessive violence in them (although my reasons have less to do with holiness and more to do with me being a wimp and/or not wanting my fiancé to be looking at naked women). But I’m starting to wonder if there should be more to the discernment process than that. Just because a movie doesn’t involve cannibalism or orgies, does that mean it’s beneficial to watch?

I started to wonder about this when I learned that my fiancé has trouble watching movies in which women are attacked. He said that it causes him to become unrealistically fearful about my safety–he starts worrying about me, wondering if the deadbolt on my door is locked, and being paranoid about my security. I have heard of a similar tendency in parents–some parents can’t watch movies in which children are attacked because it causes them to become irrationally fearful about their own kids.

That leads me back to my love/hate relationship with the Haunted Destination shows. Before watching those shows, I was perfectly fine–I wasn’t afraid of a ghost popping out from around the corner, and little noises in the house didn’t scare me. I could rest in my home in peace. But after having my mind fed with those irrational fears, I wasn’t quite as sure about the world around me. My peace had been taken away.

While this may not seem like that big of a deal, I think it demonstrates the way in which media can compete with a Christian world view. While our faith may tell us that God is in control and we have no need to fear, television and movies flood our brains with worries about terrorism and crime. It’s hard to walk in total peace when you’re bombarded with story lines based on worst-case scenarios.

And this influence isn’t limited to the realm of fear. Media affects our imaginations in other ways as well. I was talking with a student the other day who described her struggle with singleness, and how she had unintentionally filled that void in her life with romantic movies and shows. She would get so swept up in the story that she would later find herself fantasizing about it, wishing the same thing would happen to her.

The only problem was that it ultimately left her feeling even emptier than before. While she enjoyed fantasizing about romance, her actual life seemed boring and empty in comparison. There was no Noah Calhoun building a house for her, waiting for her throughout the years. There was no Prince Charming.

The result was that she found herself even less satisfied and more lonely than before.

Now I am not writing all of this as some sort of manifesto against watching movies or television. To do so would be Pharisaical. BUT, it’s important that we think through what we’re watching and how it’s influencing our mindset. For some women, this is a crucial key to guarding their hearts. For other individuals, it is a matter of viewing the world through the lens of Christ’s truth and security. The media can threaten both, so while we don’t need to be legalists, we do need to be wise.

(The picture to the left has little to nothing to do with this blog post, but I think that old photos of couples who look really unhappy on their wedding day are entertaining)

There is a popular myth floating around young, Christian circles today, and it goes something like this–Once I get married, I’ll snap into shape. I’ll stop having low self-esteem, I’ll stop feeling lonely, I won’t struggle with physical temptation anymore, and I’ll grow up and be responsible now that I have a family to take care of.

I call it a myth because that’s exactly what it is–fantasy. And that is what I am slowly beginning to learn as Ike and I prepare for marriage. Our relationship isn’t getting rid of my former vices; it’s actually highlighting them.

For some reason, in all my years of dating I had no conception that my habits as a dating person would follow me into marriage. As the years went by and I indulged my lack of self-control and my selfishness, I cemented those behaviors in such a way that is now coming back to haunt me.

To give you a more general example of what this looks like, imagine a guy or girl that is your typical “play the field” kind of person. He or she dates around a lot, hooks up a lot, and all the while fosters a lifestyle of causal intimacy, infidelity (meaning, not faithful to one person), and a lack of commitment.

Then one day this person finds “the one” they want to spend the rest of their life with! Because they are properly motivated, they become faithful, loving, and attentive. They are the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, and it would appear that they’ve left their lifestyle completely behind them.

At least, it would seem that way for a time.

In reality, their new behavior is only temporary. It’s more a symptom of the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship than it is a real transformation. Over time, as the honeymoon phase passes and the marriage faces hard times, those old patterns of behavior are still lurking, waiting to come out again. Why? Because his or her former lifestyle was indicative of a deeper, spiritual problem, and that problem isn’t fixed by marriage. If that problem is not addressed, it WILL come out later.

That takes us to the root of the issue–the behavior itself is not the problem. The problem is the heart. If your heart is rooted in a spirit of rebellion or self-centeredness, a change in behavior does not address it. A shift in behavior only masks the problem and allows it to continue further, undetected.

That is also why Romans 12:2 tells us to be “transformed by the renewing of your mind,” not your actions. If the mind and heart are left untouched, their true colors will come out over time.

The key is to remember that whoever you are becoming today is the person you will be tomorrow. If you’re not doing the hard work of examining your heart and pruning it of ungodliness now, then you will have to reckon with those issues later. This is a lesson that all single people must keep in mind before marriage, but it is also a lesson for the Christian life.

If you’ve ever met an older person who was bitter, set in their ways, and difficult to be around, it’s unlikely they were born that way. Most likely they nourished the seeds of bitterness, impatience, and anger in their hearts, and over time those seeds came to fruition.

Or maybe you know a married couple who seems to have “sold out” to the American dream. They used to speak so passionately about serving the Kingdom of God, but as financial success and material temptation presented itself, they slowly became more and more concerned about the superficial treasures of this world. That transformation did not happen over night, did it? It was the culmination of a lot of decisions and compromises over a long period of time. Their short-term choices had long-term implications.

Whoever you are becoming today is the person you will be tomorrow. If you are not making yourself into a faithful, godly, confident woman today, you will not be a faithful, godly, confident wife tomorrow. And if you are not making yourself into a passionate disciple of Christ today, then you won’t be one tomorrow either. Live today so that you have no regrets when tomorrow comes.

I published the following post about a year ago and I have received a lot of feedback from it since! Because this practice is so prevalent among Christians today, numerous individuals have asked me about how to deal with with it. I felt it would be beneficial to post it again for my new readers.

I originally posted this in two parts, so I will do the same now. I would also like to introduce these posts with a verse that I recently realized has great relevance to the issue at hand. Keep this question in mind as you read:

Can a man scoop fire into his lap, without his clothes being burned? – Proverbs 6:27

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space.

I am currently in the middle of a 3 part blog series about diagnosing whether you are a possessive woman. In the last post I discussed women who are possessive about their male friends. This post serves as the second topic in this series. 

Part 2: You’re possessive about your crushes

On a fairly consistent basis I hear stories from young women that go something like this:

Me: So what’s going on with you and Freddy?

College student: Well, Freddy and I really like each other, but after we started hanging out one of my friends said that she liked him.

Me: Oh, so Freddy has been hanging out with her too?

College student: Well, not exactly. They talk sometimes, and she thinks something could be there, so she wants me to back off. She doesn’t want me to mess things up for her and him.

Me: Have they gone out on any dates?

College student: No.

Me: Does he call her or anything?

College student: No.

Me: But she thinks that something is there?

College student: Yes, so I’m gonna have to back off from Freddy.

This style of relating to guys reminds me of when I used to fight over the front seat with my brother: “I call shotgun!” “No I called shotgun first!” “NO I CALLED SHOTGUN!!!”

It’s like survival of the fittest, dating style. Whoever grabs the guy first gets the prize. If you don’t call dibs and mark your territory, then you get picked out of the dating pool like a weak antelope in the African Savannah.

Having said that, I have to be totally honest–this behavior is absurd. Not only are you acting in a possessive fashion over a man on whom you have no claim, but you are placing your friend in a terrible position as well. You’re essentially forcing her to choose between you two, and that isn’t fair or right.

Now I know that it is hard. I have been in the position of pining after a guy, only to stand by and watch as one of my friends swooped in and stole his heart. It was devastating.

But that did not give me the right to thwart their relationship. Whatever connection I had with my crush was only in my mind. I had read into every single glance, smile, and conversation with him. My imagination had carried me away as I dreamed of our future together.

And that is where this form of possessiveness is founded–in our imaginations. It is in no way rooted in reality. Even if you are spending a lot of time with the guy, it’s generally pretty clear if he’s pursuing you romantically as opposed to platonically–he takes you out on dates, tells you how he feels, etc. Yes, there are some guys who will string you along because they just don’t want to commit, but regardless of a man’s behavior you need to guard your thought life either way. If he isn’t pursuing you in a CLEAR manner, then don’t let your heart and mind go there. Don’t allow yourself to construct a situation that does not exist.

When you indulge those fantasies you risk getting hurt, as well as hurting the friends around you.

Just like the last post, the most important lesson we can learn from this behavior is that it projects an accurate picture of your heart.  A woman gets territorial when she wants to control her love life, instead of surrendering it into the hands of God. It’s also a matter of jealousy–if you can’t have him then you don’t want anyone else to.

Ultimately, it’s not about the guy at all. It’s about two very specific things:

1) Your belief in a sovereign God who has great plans for you and will take care of you. If you try and break up another couple, then you aren’t trusting God with your future.

2) Your view of other Christian women. As we discussed in the last post, you should not view other women as competition that is trying to consume a scarce supply of men. The goal is not marriage; the goal is God’s glory. And in that battle we are all on the same team. We should therefore treat one another as allies, not enemies.

And don’t forget to love your neighbor as yourself. If you would like to have a husband, then you should be just as happy when one of your sisters meets the man of her dreams.

Now I will say that there is a time when it is right to talk to your friend if you think the silence will cause unspoken bitterness between you. But be sure that the conversation is not an ultimatum. The goal of the discussion should be a stronger friendship and a greater trust in God, not a veiled attempt at manipulating her. Only you can know your heart on that one, but if you’re at all tempted to control the situation, it might be better to say nothing at all and let God deal with your heart.

Again, remember that God is in control. He will take care of you. When you try to force a situation, you risk forfeiting a growing relationship with Him, as well as a wonderful frienship with another woman. If that is the cost of pursuing your crush, then it’s not worth it. God has more for you than that.

The next and final post will cover the topic of being possessive about your boyfriend or fiance. This one comes right out of my life right now, so I’ll be preaching to myself on this one!

Several years ago my dad, who has extensive professional experience working with and researching on the stock market, told me the weirdest thing:

Studies have shown that modesty is cyclical in direct correlation to the economy. When the economy is doing well, the modesty of women’s fashion declines. When the economy is doing poorly, modesty arises.

For the longest time I was completely mystified by this. What on earth would the economy have to do with women’s fashion?

Now that our country is facing harder economic times, I’m beginning to understand the dynamics behind such a phenomenon. As more and more people lose their jobs and our financial outlook becomes more uncertain, people are exercising a lot more self-control than they used to. We’re starting to watch where our money goes, we’re cutting back on expenses, and we’re only spending what we make, not more.

By necessity, we are reacquiring the virtues of discipline and self-control. And when these virtues become a part of your mindset, they affect more than just your money–they affect every part of your life and the way you make decisions, including the clothing you wear.

That said, the story of the recession and its correlation to modesty is less about the economy and more about our character. The way we spend our money and the way we dress are both rooted in the same place: our hearts.

Just think about it–one of the main reasons we are in a recession is due to a loss of self-control. A large percentage of Americans began spending more money than they were making, so we created an economy founded on credit and debt. Everything that we had–our possessions and our lavish lifestyles–it was all an illusion. Much of it had been acquired with money that we didn’t actually have.

To treat money that way is to be careless and reckless, but that recklessness was not limited to our finances. We’ve seen it in women’s modesty, and we’ve seen it in our country’s sexuality. Our nation has become defined by a total lack of discipline or temperance.

That is a spiritual problem, not a financial one.

Fortunately, this state of affairs may begin to change in light of our economy. Americans will be forced to think about self-control for the first time in a long while, and hopefully our country will benefit as a result. But what’s disappointing is that it took a recession to get us there. Rather than leading by example, many Christians bought into the extravagance just like every other American. Many of us have been living outside of our means, racking up our credit card bills and accumulating a lot of debt.

Until now we weren’t held accountable for such recklessness, but God uses times like these as a bullhorn into our hearts and minds: God cares about what you do with your money! Not because He’s some scrooge in the sky who doesn’t want you to have any fun, but because what you do with your money is a great indicator of the spiritual state of your heart.

If you are wise with your money and exercise discernment in its use, then you probably exercise discernment in how you spend your time, what movies you see and what internet sites you visit. If you practice self-control with your spending, then you’re probably exercising self-control in your physical relationship your boyfriend, or with your kids when you get angry. If you are generous with your money, then you’re probably generous in patience with your co-workers or your spouse.

Responsible money management is not itself the end. How we spend our money merely highlights our character. It’s only a symptom of one’s heart toward God and others.

So I encourage you to examine your spending habits over the last few years, and then examine how they have changed since the recession. If there is a significant difference, then you need to ask yourself why. The way we treat money should be the same regardless of the economy because it all belongs to God. Just because the economy is doing well does not make it somehow less God’s and more ours to spend extravagantly. We will learn this lesson in the coming years, but the real test is whether or not we remember it.

A recession will force our hand, but what we really need is a change of heart.

One of my favorite stories from my early courtship with Ike (my fiancé) begins with my initial belief that he was a TOTAL sketchball.

My perception of him largely originated from the way we met–he was being auctioned off at a charity date auction. And no, I did NOT bid on him. I was there to support a friend–totally innocent on my part. In his defense, Ike claims it was “all for a good cause” but I wasn’t so sure.

As a result of my initial impression, Ike spent the following 2 months convincing me otherwise. Week after week he took me on dates, but not once did he ever make a move. He never tried to kiss me, put his arm around me, hold my hand, or really even touch me. At first it was nice, but after awhile I started to wonder if he was even attracted to me…or girls, for that matter. No guy had ever been so stand-offish before. Maybe he just liked taking girls out to dinner and paying for them?

Eventually he came clean and said that he wanted to make our relationship official. But even then I wasn’t sure about him. I needed more time. And time he gave me. We continued to go out and he continued to be a gentleman as he waited on me.

Now here’s where the story gets good: One night I was talking to him about how I STILL wasn’t ready to make things official, and I was very apologetic about it. I felt bad for making him wait so long. Ike’s response is something that I will never ever forget:

(Warning: if you have an aversion to slightly cheesy, uber romantic dating moments, avert your eyes now!)

“Sharon, when I think of you I realize how Jacob felt when he worked for 7 years to marry Rachel, but it only felt like a day. That’s how I feel about you. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

At that moment I’m fairly certain that I swooned. I had never heard anything so beautiful in my life, and it’s one of the reasons that I am engaged to him now.

But it also gave me a great perspective on dating. Many of my past dating relationships have been characterized by a sense of hurried urgency. We couldn’t stand to be away from one another, everything moved super fast, and the physical stuff was well on its way before the relationship was even official. There was very little waiting.

When it comes to romance, we hate to wait.

But when you meet the right guy, he’s going to have a vested interest in doing things right. He recognizes the precious treasure of winning your heart, so he’s willing to work for it. Just look at Jacob–he was hardly the poster child for honesty and integrity! He was not the kind of guy you’d bring home to dad. On the contrary, he was a scheming cheater and a liar.

But as soon as he laid eyes on Rachel, that boy snapped right into shape. He suddenly developed a work ethic. He honored the wishes of his father-in-law more than he’d honored his own father. He wanted to do everything just right because he wanted Rachel to be his wife, and that’s what she deserved.

That is the kind of behavior that godly women must wait for. Don’t date a guy with the secret hopes that he’s going to change–if he isn’t changing now then he won’t change when you’re married. And when it comes to the physical stuff, don’t put up with a guy who wants to sleep with you now because he can’t wait until marriage, or he simply doesn’t have any self-control. If he’s sleeping with you, then he doesn’t respect you the way God has called him to.

(And by the way, if Jacob could wait 7 years, your bf can certainly wait a few!)

This also goes for sleeping over. Even if you’re not having sex, there’s still a temptation to share a bed since it all seems innocent enough. And I can relate–it’s hard to send Ike packing at night when I know we’ll be getting married soon. Why not ease into the married life now? But Ike would never do that. The reason he waits for me now is the same reason he waited back then: I am worth it. Our relationship is worth it. Our future marriage is worth it. And most importantly, his commitment to Christ is worth it.

So stand for nothing less. Just because a guy isn’t respecting you now doesn’t mean you won’t find someone else who does. Plenty of guys refused to wait for me, but I found one who did. And let me tell you, it was WELL worth the wait!

In the past two weeks, #2 Duke beat a top 25 team by nearly a double digit margin, and #1 Carolina lost to an unranked team by almost the same amount.

In this part of the country, those are fightin words. But don’t worry, I’m not here to talk smack. At first glance, the above statement might imply that Duke is by far the superior basketball team, but appearances can be deceiving. You see Duke lost to an unranked team by an even greater margin earlier this season, a team that they’d already played and massacred two weeks prior.

In addition to that fact, you should also know that UNC beat a top 25 team by 35 points–a total blowout of a team with whom they should have been equally matched.

And this happens every year. Several top-ranked basketball teams end up losing to a team they should have decimated, an aberration amidst an otherwise dominant season.

Why is that?

There are several explanations for this, one of which is the presence of over-ranked teams, but there is also something psychological to it. Whenever Duke prepares to faces a tough opponent, they prepare themselves mentally and physically. They do all that they can to learn about the other team and equip themselves for superior play. Their minds are focused on one thing and one thing alone–how to outplay the enemy.

But I suspect the same amount of preparation is not involved when facing a lesser team. When a player knows that the game will probably be easy, he doesn’t prepare himself with the same degree of intensity. Psychological, his guard is down.

And what’s the result of letting his guard down in the face of a non-threatening opponent? The occasional upset.

It always surprises us, but it makes total sense.

What is fascinating to me about this phenomenon is that it’s not unlike the Christian life. When we spend time with non-Christians or go on a mission trip, we prepare for it with the same intensity as a Duke player facing Carolina. We’ll be uber intentional about everything we do and say, keeping our guard up, knowing that the Enemy is right around the corner doing the exact same thing. You morph yourself into the ultimate Christian.

But once we depart from these obvious mission fields, we approach our lives much like a top ranked team faces a Division 1 Nobody. We fail to prepare, we let our guards down, and we set ourselves up to fall. We become sitting ducks for the Enemy to take us down.

Just like an arrogant basketball team, we are most vulnerable to sin and temptation when we least expect it and when we are least prepared.

Keep that lesson in mind as the basketball season unfolds. Duke was not the first to fall, and Carolina will certainly not be the last. The false sense of confidence that led these teams to fall is just as present in every one of us. When you go see a shady movie with your Christian friends, when a believer dates a non-believer, or when a pastor has an affair in his church–these stumbles all start at the same place because sin never happens out of nowhere. Like a crouching lion, the Enemy waits for an opportunity. Be sure not to hand it to him.