The longer I am a Christian the more I am convinced I spend too much time thinking about myself.

Each day, how much time do I give to thinking about my clothes, my hair, my make-up, my body? Oh how much time is wasted on feeling dissatisfied with my body! And then there is my reputation–what do other people think of me? Does everyone like me? Did I do something to cause a person to dislike me? Do people think I’m smart? Do people think I’m a good writer? Do people admire me?

Although self-reflection is a good and important part of the Christian life, I would say that the edifying kind of self-reflection–in which I praise God for my creation and repent of my sinfulness–constitutes only about 10% of the time I spend thinking about myself. And 10% might be generous.

The reality is that a good portion of the time I spend obsessing over the things I don’t like about myself, or the time I spend managing the way I appear to others, is not only time wasted but time I do not enjoy in the least. It prevents me from feeling content, peaceful, and joyful. It is an unwelcome distraction from the things that really matter, and yet I continually invite these thoughts into my mind each day.

The time I spend thinking about myself–and the consequent dissatisfaction it causes–have increasingly convinced me that this is a major trap for women in the church, a trap that we can unwittingly push one another into. Although we need women’s ministries that facilitate fellowship and teaching about our shared life experiences, I’m afraid this model merely perpetuates self-focus. If we never break out of the “Isn’t it so hard being a woman/wife/mother” model of ministry we will never move on to worship. In fact, a self-centered model of ministry is somewhat self-perpetuating. The longer we focus mostly on ourselves and our problems, the less joy we will have in our lives, and the more we will feel the need to re-hash those problems.

We need to throw a wrench in that cycle.

But how? For me personally, I’ve realized that I need to take Philippians 4:8-9 more seriously:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Too often I think on things which orient me back to myself. I think about the women on the covers of magazines or female friends with bodies I envy. I think about how I can make my life more perfect and put together. I think about how to get other people to like me. I compare my marriage and my life to the other people around me. Between television shows, Pinterest and the mall, I am inundated with objects of reflection that lead straight back to myself, rather than God.

It is important for women to own up to the fact that some of our dissatisfaction is rooted not in our life circumstances but in the location of our thoughts. Constant self-reflection is too small and broken a thing to produce the peace and freedom that comes from reflection on the things of God. However, to have the sort of thought life that is free from the bondage of the self is a discipline. It involves more than changing the substance of one’s thoughts, but being aware of those influences that direct our thoughts.

What is the chief director of your thoughts? And where are your thoughts directed? Do you think on that which is true, honorable, pure, lovely and excellent? When your friends come to you to commiserate about the challenges of life, do you merely chime in with your own woes, or do you have a larger goal in mind? Will you be the kind of sister who aids in another’s self-absorption, or will you invite them to remember that which is commendable and worthy of praise? While it is important to listen and comfort one another in our struggles, will you stay in that place of dissatisfaction and self-focus, or slowly re-orient yourself toward a grander object of reflection?

As far as ministry is concerned, this week was a great one for me. On Tuesday I spoke at a women’s event at my church that went incredibly well, and on Friday I delivered my first class lecture. Following each teaching opportunity, I received wonderful feedback and encouragement from those in attendance. I felt like God not only used me well, but affirmed my gifts in the process.

In light of these affirmations, one might assume that I’ve been walking on air all weekend, basking in the glow of my successes. It always feels good to be praised. Unfortunately, that couldn’t be much farther from the truth. Although I received tremendous reinforcement in one corner of my ministry, I also experienced great doubt about my calling as a writer. Critiques from editors and comparisons with those who are more successful all combined to discourage me as I wondered what I’m even doing with my life.

To some extent, those doubts about my call are always there in some form. I am constantly grappling with why I should bother writing when there are so many incredible writers out there already (not fishing for compliments here, just being honest). I often wonder why my contribution matters, or if it matters at all. I am usually able to keep those doubts in perspective and press on, but every now and then they eclipse my vision and it’s all I can see. This week has been one of those weeks.

Ironically, this crushing doubt arrived on the heels of success, but even more strange is that this combination of confidence and doubt is emerging as a pattern in my life. Throughout my ministry, praise has never served to fortify me with unshakable confidence. On the contrary, criticism is often hardest for me to handle immediately after great personal accomplishment. When success is the backdrop, disappointment hurts much, much more.

In the midst of this present funk, I’ve been thinking a lot about why self-confidence and self-doubt are always such a packaged deal. In my life, the two almost always come together. But why is that? Why has this odd couple made so many joint appearances in my life?

There are probably a number of answers to that question, one being God’s providence. Perhaps God perfectly orchestrates their pairing, such that I neither despair nor become puffed up with pride. However there is another reason that speaks to the ordering of the two–why it is self-doubt that follows self-confidence, and not the other way around–and that is idolatry.

To give you a metaphoric visual of how this dynamic plays out, imagine a strong tower in a field. That tower is God, and it is where where my heart resides. Think Rapunzel’s tower (except for the part about being trapped), tall and protected from intruders. My heart is there up top, totally safe and totally secure.

Then one day I look out the window and notice another tower, one that looks even stronger. It’s shiny and bright and promises even greater security than the safety I already enjoy. So, I descend from my position of strength, exit my strong tower, and walk through the field to find refuge in this new tower.

However as soon as I open the door to enter the tower, it vanishes. It was an illusion, a mirage. And now I find myself far from my strong tower, standing in the middle of a field, completely vulnerable to harm. When  the Enemy inevitably attacks, I am helpless to defend myself against him.

In my life, that illusory tower is personal praise.

To be clear, encouragement is a gift that I value highly. Through the uplifting words of fellow Christians, I detect the voice of my Heavenly Father. That is a good function of the Body of Christ. But there is also a temptation within encouragement. Positive feedback invites me to leave the strong tower of God and seek refuge in the praise of others.

Knowing this temptation, I suspect my self-doubt follows on the heels of self-confidence because I have temporarily abandoned my strong tower. Responding to encouragement in the wrong way, my heart surges toward this attractive alternative, only to leave me completely vulnerable when disappointment comes my way. The very same criticisms might not have hurt me so much on any other day, but on this day I am helpless before them.

My false tower is related to ministry and writing success. For others it is financial success, which is why Proverbs 23:5 warns, “Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.” The tower of riches is just as likely to vanish, to “sprout wings and fly away” as my own tower of praise.

For women, I think there is a particular temptation to chase after the tower of beauty. This is partially due to the fact that many women compliment another’s hair, outfit, or shoes more often than they compliment godly character. And while I whole-heartedly believe we should affirm one another’s physical beauty, outer beauty should take a firm backseat to the affirmation of Christian faithfulness.

Proverbs 18:10 tells us, “The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” This verse reminds us that we can run to God’s tower, or we can run to another. If you’re like me and your life is marked by the unhappy marriage of self-confidence and self-doubt, remember that God doesn’t have the only tower in town. In both bad times and good, to which tower are you most likely to run?

This week I attended the Willow Creek Association’s Global Leadership Summit, and I will confess that I began the conference with a skeptical attitude. Lately I’ve found myself re-evaluating a lot of the leadership rhetoric that so pervades the evangelical church, wondering how much of it is even based on Christ. That is a post for another day, but suffice it to say that I arrived a little leery.

To my surprise and delight, the Summit exceeded all my expectations. It was phenomenal and I highly recommend it to everyone. Each year the Summit is broadcast all over the world so it is actually quite accessible to anyone. It is also remarkably unique in its speaker line-up. We heard from pastors, a psychologist, a mayor, a college president, an entrepreneurial expert, the Washington, DC school superintendent, and a Nobel Peace Prize nominee who works among the poor in Egypt. It was like drinking from a fire hydrant, but it was also humbling and inspiring.

That said, I’m going to devote the next few blog posts to some of the conference highlights. I wish I had room to share everything I learned, but these nuggets of wisdom should be a terrific glimpse.

Today I want to start with a speaker from my own home town of Charlotte, NC, Steven Furtick. Although I don’t know Steven personally we have numerous mutual friends and I have heard him speak several times. He is like lightning in a bottle, and he is an exceptionally gifted preacher.

He talked about a number of things during his session at the Summit, but he said one thing that particularly stood out to me. It was only a side note–not even the main point–but it’s worth repeating. What he said was this:

“One of the reasons we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.”

I don’t know about you, but comparison is one of the chief robbers of my joy. I can feel so confident in my writing or my personal accomplishments, only to be utterly deflated when I hear about someone younger who is more successful.

I also find myself incredibly discouraged when I reach my goals more slowly than I had hoped, only to watch others surge ahead with ease and poise. It can be disheartening to say the least.

Shortly after I graduated from college, my school released a study describing a pressure felt by female students to achieve  “effortless perfection.” This term referred to students who, in addition to being brilliant and academically elite, were also thin, beautiful, and always well-dressed. What’s more, they seemed to do it all without breaking a sweat. Effortless perfection.

As far as I’m concerned, that idea is from the devil. It’s a lie. It’s a con. Not only is no one perfect, but no one can look perfect without some elbow grease. No woman wakes up in the morning with her hair perfectly coiffed and her make-up looking just so. Honestly, I don’t even KNOW how to apply make-up the way some women do. That kind of ability takes time, practice and skill.

Don’t be conned by the lie of effortless perfect. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. Don’t compare your first-thing-in-the-morning face to the women who have been airbrushed in magazines or who spent an hour getting ready in the morning. Don’t compare the unglamorous craziness of raising a family to the selected pictures you see on facebook or mommy blogs.

Comparison will steal your joy and it will threaten your motivation. It convinces you that you’re a failure, which makes you all the more likely to give up. Don’t let it. See through the deception and trust God. He doesn’t need a perfectly put together woman to accomplish His work. In fact, those efforts only get in the way. You serve a God whose power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9), so fix your eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen (2 Cor. 4:18). God has you right where He wants you to be.

This week in class one of my professors told the story of an anthropologist who documented the habits and practices of a remote, South Pacific tribe. According to this anthropologist, the tribe was like a modern day Eden, devoid of problems and, remarkably, sin. He then concluded that the tribe evidenced the unimportance–and even danger–of sending missionaries. As he saw it, this idyllic people needed only to be left alone to live in peace, free from Western influence and corruption.

The anthropologist’s findings were applauded and studied by his colleagues for years. However, another anthropologist later visited the tribe and met with very different results. Unlike the society described by the first anthropologist, the second anthropologist found a people engaged in barbaric practices that included pedophilia and the mutilation of women in the tribe. Far from being a preserved paradise, this tribe had numerous vices. Sin was clearly present.

So what accounts for the discrepancy between the two anthropologists? Probably a combination of factors. Perhaps the first anthropologist was looking for evidence to support his theory. Perhaps he only saw what he wanted to see. Or, the tribe may have been on their “best behavior,” so to speak. They may have been giving the anthropologist what he wanted to see. Perhaps it was even a combination of those factors. Either way, it a helpful illustration that appearances are not always what they seem.

This story made an impression on me because, oddly enough, it reminded me of several recent studies published on the connection between Facebook and depression. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), some children now appear to suffer from “Facebook depression.” In an article for Time, this phenomenon was described as primarily affecting “children who may be at risk for social isolation or poor self-esteem and spend a significant amount of time on the social-networking site may become depressed.”

The article goes on to explain that “the constant barrage of their peers’ happy status and photo updates and friend connections may present a skewed view of reality that could make at-risk kids feel that they don’t measure up.”

Sound familiar? Judging from my own experience, children aren’t the only ones suffering from Facebook envy and the deflated self-esteem it can cause.

Along that vein, Stanford University conducted a study on adults and the findings were rather similar to those on children. In a separate article published by Time,  author Maia Szalavitz summarized the findings as follows: “People consistently underestimate how often other people have negative emotions, while overestimating how often they have positive ones.” According to this study, which only surveyed college students, “students underestimated their peers’ negative feelings by 17%, while overestimating their positive emotions by 6%.”

Not unlike the idealistic anthropologist who only saw the good in the tribe, studies show that we gather a similarly skewed picture of others based on the images projected on Facebook. A funny combination of performance for and false assumptions about others blend together so that we see all the good without any of the bad. This dynamic not only impacts self-perception, but it also pressures us to feed back into the cycle. If given the choice, we would all prefer to be the object of envy, and many of us work hard to be.

Given the real emotional impact that Facebook is causing in Americans, how should Christians respond? If posting our happy memories creates a stumbling block for others, should we share them in a different format? Should we limit the sharing of intimate moments to our closest friends and family, rather than broadcasting them to all? Should we stop putting up pictures altogether?

In the face of these questions there is a temptation to take an all or nothing approach. However, these are not the real questions we should be asking. There are two alternative questions that better direct our thinking on this complicated topic:

1. Are you loving your neighbor? Given the reality that Facebook can hurt people, consider whether your pictures and status updates are loving to others. If you have a friend who just suffered a miscarriage, is it loving to post oodles of photos of your newborn each week? If your good friend is struggling with singleness, is it loving to constantly post status updates about your date nights or how wonderful your marriage is? While those life circumstances are certainly worth celebrating (I personally LOVE seeing pictures of my friends’ babies since I live far away from so many of them!!) we do need to be thoughtful about how we rejoice and share personal information. At times, private websites are a better option than indiscriminately posting to everyone.

2. Are you believing truth or lies? A counter-balance to the above point is the importance of taking responsibility for your own thought life. Scripturally speaking, we know that sin prevents everyone from having the “perfect life” they desire. Everyone struggles with pain and hardship, whether it is obvious or hidden. No matter how happy or blissful another person’s life may appear, they still need the loving grace of Christ and the friendship and support of the church. So as you process the lives you see on Facebook and make assumptions about them, compare your assumptions to the truth of Scripture. Also compare your response to the commands of Scripture. In relation to your neighbor, do you find yourself in a position of coveting, or one of loving intercession?

I log onto Facebook many, MANY times a day, so I won’t pretend it isn’t difficult to monitor my motives each time. Perhaps that is an indication I should log on less. But regardless of how often you use Facebook and other social media, they are new tools that we are only just now learning to use Christianly, so we must work to handle them with caution, wisdom and discernment.

Right now a friend of mine is reading a book called The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America by Drew Pinksky, and it sounds fascinating. The book examines the narcissistic behaviors of modern day celebrities, and the ways in which “the rest of us, especially young people, are mirroring these dangerous traits in our own behavior.” (From the publisher’s description)

Last night over dinner, my friend shared some interesting tidbits from the book, such as the growing tendency to look at another person and not see them, but instead a mirror reflecting back on you. The way others treat you and speak about you informs your self-understanding and self-image. For a growing number of Americans, the world is nothing but a mirror pointing back to them.

Pinsky likened this mirror effect to the concept of “object permanence.” In case you are unfamiliar with the term, object permanence refers to our understanding that an object continues to exist, even when it moves out of sight. Infants do not begin with this framework and must learn to acquire it, but the rest of us easily understand that as soon as your friend leaves the room, her disappearance does not signify her non-existence.

However, as easily as we comprehend object permanence, many Americans struggle with the notion of “image permanence.” A person without the capacity for image permanence is dependent on constant affirmation in order to maintain a positive self-image. The moment that affirmation is gone, their positive self-image goes with it. There is no ability to sustain healthy self-image apart from the praise of others.

Now I have to admit, these words are rather timely for me. The world of blogging can be a brutal one, and the more I write for well-read blogs and online publications, the the more likely I am to get criticized. And people can be MEAN! So in the midst of criticism, I find myself oscillating between the one extreme of feeling hurt and insecure, or the other extreme of anger, which leads me to think equally mean thoughts about the people who criticize me. Neither end of the spectrum is productive or edifying.

Which is why I so appreciated my friend’s solution. As we talked about the mirror effect she noted that Scripture, not other people, should serve as our ultimate mirror. Not only does it reflect back to us God’s love and His perfect plan for creation (which includes us!), but it also foists our eyes off of ourselves. When we look into God’s Word, we are not only told who we are, but we are also reminded (blessedly!) that this world is not about us. Our lives are not our own. We were created for a glorious purpose, and only God knows what that is. Ultimately, our lives are to be pointed God-ward, not inward.

As discouraging as our narcissistic culture can be, it is not new. In the 4th century, the great Christian theologian St. Augustine used strikingly similar language to Pinsky. He spoke of our souls as being turned in upon themselves, away from God. Apart from God’s grace, we are helpless to choose anything but our broken, self-serving ways. Without God’s intervening love, we are not free. Our wills are in bondage to sin, and ourselves.

That is why I found this book so convicting. By God’s grace, through faith in Christ, I am free from that inward-pointing narcissism. And still I choose it. In so many ways my heart looks just like the celebutantes Pinksy described. I hope to do a better job of using Scripture as a mirror, but more importantly I aim to lean more on God’s grace in this area of my life. I am tired of thinking so much about myself. I want to be free enough to forget myself and instead live the life God set out for me to have.

In my last post I told you about an interview I had scheduled for this this week on the True Sisterhood Podcast. Today I want to fill you in on how it went! The podcast format is like a Christian, radio version of The View. The podcast features four women of different ages and gifts who get together each week to talk about issues relating to women. They invite a guest for each show, and I highly recommend you subscribe so that you can get in on the conversation. They talk about some very thought-provoking subjects, and each woman has a refreshingly unique perspective. I don’t even think I brought anything particularly special to the mix–these ladies were all so incredibly sharp!

If you click on the link above, it will take you to the main page and the audio from my interview is on the left. Let me know what you think!

One issue we wanted to discuss further but didn’t have time was the question of how our appearance affects others. I broached this topic some in my last post, but as I’ve thought about it further I believe there are three Scriptural teachings to consider when it comes to makeup, appearance, or even the shoes you buy, the food you eat and the movies you watch: Your love for God, your love for your neighbor, and your love for yourself.

Love for God

Makeup and other spiritual crutches can threaten our love for God when we depend on them more than Him. In the case of makeup, it’s striking how often women use the language of “confidence,” as if increased confidence is a healthy theological justification. While it is not wrong to like wearing makeup (it certainly can be fun!), we need to examine our hearts when it becomes the source of our security and social courage. Our confidence comes from the unshakable foundation of the love of Christ. Period.

Love for Neighbor

Makeup can also threaten our love for our neighbors when it is worn in a way that causes our sisters to stumble. This guideline should not, of course, lead to a kind of legalism in which all makeup is declared to be evil. The women around you are responsible for their own hearts as well. But knowing the degree to which women grapple with body image, we need to think carefully about how we are encouraging our sisters, rather than reinforcing their insecurities.

Love for Self

Given that Jesus tells us to love our neighbors “as ourselves,” healthy self-love is implied in his words. This means loving ourselves as God created us to be. Our self-acceptance is not contingent upon anything other than God’s sovereignty, trusting that He created just as we are for a reason.

As I close out this discussion of makeup and appearance, let me reiterate that makeup neither encourages nor hinders the above commands to love. It is all in how you use it. We should give sober consideration to the reality that makeup and beauty have been tremendously perverted in our culture, so let’s not be naive about it. But we are also free in Christ and there are numerous ways to celebrate our bodies. Whether we accent our favorite features through lip gloss or a green scarf that brings out our eyes, we should never feel ashamed to do so. As long as we are honestly loving God, loving others, and loving ourselves in the process.

About a month and a half ago I posted an entry called Taking Off Your Makeup, and this past week a version of it was re-posted on Christianity Today’s blog for women, Her.meneutics. Surprisingly, Christianity Today has a wider readership than my personal blog (please note sarcasm) and I received a lot of wonderful feedback as a result! For example, this week I will be interviewed on the True Sisterhood Podcast as a follow-up to my article (I’ll post more info on that later this week). My preparation for that interview leads me to the topic of today’s post.

As I reflected on the topic of the interview I decided to watch a documentary called America the Beautiful. I highly recommend this film if you have not seen it, although I should warn you that it does contain harsh language and sexual images. It is not a film for young girls. I do, however, want to watch it again with my husband so that we can talk through it together. The overall aim of the documentary is to expose the methods by which our culture objectifies women in ways that are emotionally and physically harmful. One of the chief questions raised by the film, in my opinion, concerns the true nature of beauty. To what extent is beauty culturally defined? And given that extent, how much are we really in control of it? We might claim that we enjoy makeup and fashion in a healthy way, but there’s a blurry line between personal desire and culturally imposed standards.

The film raises so many different issues that I can’t possibly discuss them all here, but there was one moment that really stood out to me. Near the end of the documentary, the filmmaker interviewed a married couple who had lost a daughter to bulimia. As they reflected on the steps that led to her eating disorder, the mother recalled, “I would have never complained about the way I look in front of my daughter had I known she was struggling with her own self-image. When you think about it, most young girls grow up believing their moms are beautiful. But when we complain about the way we look, we reshape their notions of beauty and pass on our insecurities to them since they probably have the same body as us.”

This statement hit me square between the eyes. First of all, it resonated with my own childhood. When I was a little girl, I thought my mom was the most beautiful women in the whole world. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking how lucky I was to have such a pretty mom, and feeling sorry for other kids whose moms weren’t as pretty as mine! I can only assume my children will have similar sentiments.

Given that assumption, I have spent the last 20 years instilling some dangerous habits in myself. I complain about my body a LOT to my husband. There are certain aspects of myself with which I am never satisfied. But never had I considered that I could pass those insecurities on to my children.

In the Old Testament we are reminded of the power of a person’s legacy. Exodus 20:5, 34:7, Numbers 14:18 and Deuteronomy 5:9 all warn about children being punished for the sins of their parents. Fortunately, Christ has received the punishment for our sins so we no longer live in fear of those passages. Even so, there is an element of them that nevertheless stands true. Our sins impact those around us. Especially those who look up to us.

Whether you are a mom or a mentor, your personal insecurities and vanities can have consequences for the women around you. Whether it is your daughter or a young woman in college who looks to you as an example of godliness, your actions speak louder than words. I am greatly humbled by that reality. My weaknesses and insecurities are great, and I tremble to think of the example I set when younger women witness their ugliness.

All of that to say, the fight against insecurity and poor body image is not simply about ourselves. It is about the women around us as well. When we stand before God we will not only have to account for how we treated the body He gave us, but we will also have to account for the ways in which we were a stumbling block to others. From this perspective, loving ourselves is intimately connected to loving others.

So as I close, I want to end with one final word to my readers. Every week I get on this blog and I write about the things that God is teaching me. However, I do not write as an expert but as a woman in process. Most of the time I am preaching to myself, praying for the mercy to live out the things I know to be true. My life is not an example of perfection but of redemption. I admit there are and will continue to be inconsistencies between what I teach and how I live. I confess that and I repent. I also pray for the grace to lessen that gap. Please know that my struggles are just like yours, and I apologize if I ever feed into your insecurities, rather than point you to the One who can lift you out of them. I am just a spiritual pauper pointing other women to the One who gives me food. Christ alone is our all in all, and I pray that my personal inadequacies never distract you from him.

Over the past 10 to 15 years there has developed within evangelicalism a language about men that is uber-masculine. The shift was aided by the publication of books like Wild at Heart by John Eldredge and the Promise Keepers movement. As men have decried the dangers of being a passive husband and father, the church has men encouraged to be strong and exercise the warrior spirit given to them by God.

Alongside of this development has grown a parallel movement among women. Every hero needs a damsel in distress, so Christian women have gladly assumed the identity of princess. After all, we are daughters of the King. In a culture where chivalry seems to be dead and women are objectified as meat instead of being exalted as treasures, the language of “princesses” comes as a welcome change.

Until recently I had not given much thought to this language. It seemed harmless enough. Last week, however, I ran across an article by Alexandra T. Armstrong that leveled a thought-provoking challenge to the trend of “princess” language. In the piece, Armstrong reflected on John MacArthur’s newest book Slave: The Hidden Truth about Your Identity in Christ. What Armstrong found most “unsettling” about MacArthur’s explanation of the Greek word for slave, doulos, is that it refers to

“a person who is the purchased property of another and lacks freedom of will. It does not mean a willing hired servant, for which there are several other Greek words.”

In other words, there’s no soft-pedaling the term. When you read the word “doulos” it means that you were, quite literally, bought with a price.

However, what I appreciated most about Armstrong’s article is what she said next:

“For years I’ve disdained the whole evangelical women’s ministry movement that encourages women to see themselves as God’s petted princesses who don’t know sanctification from spa treatments. Gags me. But slaves? Wouldn’t that be an equally unbalanced identity? MacArthur’s book has started to make me think not.”

Although there are few references to women as “princesses” in the Bible, Scripture refers to Christians as “slaves” 124 times. Does this pose a serious challenge to the way we talk about and think about ourselves as Christian women?

I think that it does. But before I explain why I want to offer a caveat. Whenever using the language of “slavery” in the same sentence as “women” it is important to proceed with caution. There are thousands of women in the world today who are actually in slavery. And given that reality, the Biblical language of slavery cannot and MUST not be read as an endorsement of that practice. Slavery to Christ is in no way akin to any form of worldly slavery, whether it is human trafficking or an abusive marriage. In fact, the two types of slavery are utterly incompatible with one another. A slave master of the world sets himself up against the benevolent lordship of Christ.

Bearing that in mind, let’s return to consider princess language. Perhaps the first and most obvious concern is that it ventures into the realm of humanistic self-help and even borders on vanity. That is not to say that women should not love themselves as God loves them, but to think of yourself as a “princess” is not exactly a moderate category of self-love.

What’s more, it can be difficult to reconcile the extravagant language of princess-hood with the words of Jesus. He certainly loves and values us all, but he also reminds us that the last will be first, that we will suffer as we take up his cross, and that the world will hate us. Hardly the life of a princess. Add to that Paul’s language of “slaves” and we are given a picture of discipleship that is altogether antithetical to the language of being a “princess.”

Does that mean we should do away with the princess identity? I wouldn’t say that. But I wonder if that particular identity is an eschatological category, not a present reality. By that I mean that it is a promise of our perfect place in the Kingdom of God. It is a reflection of how God loves us and values us, but it is not our position in the present world.

We exist between the already and the not yet. We live in a fallen world that does not value God’s people the way that He does. In fact, we live in a world that is impressed by princesses and socialites, watching their every move with baited breath, but is utterly apathetic to the plight of God’s true “princesses” who are suffering persecution in many parts of the world.

Again, that is not to say that women are not valuable, beautiful, and precious members of the Kingdom of God. We are. But the world does not see us that way, so we should not be indignant or feel self-entitled when the world doesn’t treat us that way. In fact, Jesus told us to expect this kind of rejection. Fortunately, we do not have to exalt ourselves and prop up our self-image with such passing, worldly standards. One day we will be taken up into perfection with God, and then will we truly know what it means to be a princess. I suspect that on that day the distance between being a princess and being a slave to Christ will not appear so great.

When it comes to makeup, I’m the kind of girl who has managed to get by with the most meager knowledge of how to wear it. I know the basics, but anything venturing near the realm of real makeup competence is beyond my skill level. I wear just enough to cover up the circles under my eyes without flirting with the risk of “clown face.”

Even so, I was incredibly convicted by something I discovered in my research last week. I’ve been studying the work of Maria Harris, a Catholic professor of religious education who wrote a lot about female spirituality. In her book Dance of the Spirit, she challenges women with the following words:

“Possibly the suggestion that we take off our makeup, or go outside without it, creates a feeling close to panic. (“Oh God, no”) If we react that way, it may be we are shocked by the suggestion that we allow someone else to see us as we actually are.”

Harris then adds,

“I know. I wear makeup. But I marvel at women who go without it, and I notice how comfortable men are in public without it. And I wonder what our doing away with it, not all the time but on occasion, as an experiment, might do in awakening our spirituality. After all, in West Side Story, Maria didn’t sing, ‘I look pretty.’ She sang, ‘I feel pretty.’”

Harris then goes on to describe other forms of makeup that we wear to hide ourselves, such as the facial expressions we don to mask what we’re truly feeling. Those of us who are driven by the need to people please are prone to behave as expected, even if our hearts and minds would have us do otherwise.

But no matter what kind of makeup you use to hide who you really are, I am inspired by Harris’ charge to occasionally step out from behind those veils. I also appreciate her balanced approach–rather than condemning all makeup as an evil itself, she encourages women to keep it in check. From time to time, take off your makeup and go out in public–it is a quick indicator of where your confidence lies!

In fact, I decided to make an experiment out of this idea. A couple days ago Ike and his family had planned to spend the day Christmas shopping, so I made the decision to leave the house without an ounce of makeup on my face. I valiantly descended the stairs as I announced, “Today I am going out without makeup on as an act of Christian discipleship!” (My husband understandably rolled his eyes. It was the appropriate response.)

However, my confidence faltered as soon as I walked in the first store. I kept wanting to tell the sales people, “I don’t normally look like this.” As if they even cared! Goodness, what an eye-opening experience it was! Eventually I adjusted to the change, but the whole time I kept asking myself, “Why do I feel so naked without makeup?”

As I pondered my makeup crutch, I was reminded of 1 Peter 3:3-4 which says,

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

True beauty, as God defines it here, takes a lot of work. Worldly beauty does not. And yet, I spend most of my time cultivating worldly beauty instead of godly beauty. Which is why I feel so naked when my worldly beauty is taken away–I am not confident in my spiritual beauty because I haven’t invested the same amount of time into it.

For another clue as to why I feel so naked without makeup, I need only look to my ancestral sister, Eve. When sin entered the world she immediately felt naked and ashamed, so she tried to cover herself. Thousands of years later I continue to feel that shame about who God created me to be, focusing on my faults instead of rejoicing in the divine image written into my being. As Harris said above, I am afraid for people to see me as I really am, even though God Himself created me this way.

So I challenge you to try this experiment yourself. For some of you this isn’t much of a challenge because you’re one of the glorious few who can leave the house without a shred of eye-liner or mascara and feel totally beautiful. I admire you! But for the rest of you who draw confidence from your makeup, pick a day to shed your makeup and then study your heart in the process. See what you discover and even report back here. I would love to hear what you learn!

Alright, it’s honesty time. In the spirit of being transparent about my own short-comings I hope you don’t think I’m a big fat jerk! So here goes…

One of the things that I have to actively resist doing on a fairly regular basis is criticizing other women who dress inappropriately. It’s so tempting to snicker in my husband’s ear whenever a woman comes to a wedding dressed like she just came from the club. I’m also prone to the exaggerated eye roll when we’re standing in line behind a woman wearing a shirt that is at LEAST two sizes too small.

Sadly, the primary reason I DON’T make these comments is that I know how unattractive it is to my husband. Unless there is something overtly comical about the situation, he usually just ignores my comments. As a result, my mean-hearted nature is reined in, not by my desire to honor God, but by my desire not to look pathetic.

It’s funny how these elementary school behaviors follow us into adulthood. It wasn’t so long ago that my mom comforted my 7 year-old self saying, “Those girls are tearing you down just to make themselves feel better about themselves!” Twenty years later, it’s still happening. And my mom was totally right–as much as I would like to say that my comments are an expression of righteous indignation, they’re just a sign of insecurity.

While there is no part of me that wants to be the hoochie mama at the wedding, I DO want to know that my husband is still attracted to me. I want to know that he sees right through that kind of exterior and values my godly character more highly. I want to be reassured that he appreciates my modesty and my desire to honor him in the way I carry myself. So I use mean-spirited comments to provoke the affirmation I crave. That makes TOTAL sense, right?

The temptation to make sarcastic comments about another woman’s outfit, shoes, hair, cleavage, etc. is a clear indicator of a deeper issue. After all, what did that woman ever do to you? Such displays of competitive behavior reveal an underlying insecurity about ourselves, and it’s important to grapple with them. What is causing you to feel insecure? Why do you need your husband or boyfriend to recognize another woman’s short-comings? What are you relying on for confidence instead of God? These are all important questions to consider before mouthing off about another woman.

But before I close, I want to end with a special word to my guy readers. I understand that female cattiness is ugly and ridiculous and we need to cut it out. However, you can also help us. From the time we are single, Christian women are confronted with a great divide between what guys say they want in a Christian girl, and the girls they actually pursue. I have a distinct memory of sitting outside a Sunday School room listening to a bunch of guys go on and on about a popular busty, blonde pop star, crowing about how “smokin’ hot” she was. In one fell blow, my efforts to have a beautiful character were reduced to smithereens. They felt meaningless.

And that feeling doesn’t necessarily go away in marriage. While my husband doesn’t talk about all the actresses he finds attractive, I know that I don’t look like them. And that makes me sometimes wonder if he wishes that I did.

The onslaught of unrealistic standards of beauty does not go away when you get married. As long as we live in this culture it will be ever-present for every woman. And while it is the primary responsibility of a Christian woman to rest in her Creator’s arms and trust that He made her perfectly, we still need our brothers’ help. Whether you are single or married, make sure you are affirming the significant women in your life. Tell them they’re beautiful, but more importantly compliment their character.

I’ll end with the below verse that is one of my favorites. It is a convicting reminder when faced with the temptation to slander another woman. Not only does it remind me of the kind of woman I should be, but that I should affirm my sisters with praise instead of tearing them down with sarcasm.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

- Proverbs 31:30