As a Christian I have my fair share of non-Christian entertainment outlets. I listen to public radio podcasts, I watch 30 Rock, I read books on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I really love the Disney channel (no, I don’t have kids…I watch it for myself).

I really enjoy each one of these outlets and I believe that, in a lot of ways, they help me to stay connected with the culture. They also inform my thinking. However as a result of not living under a rock, I also run into a lot of secular entertainment that is totally ridiculous and frequently offensive. Almost every day I want to climb on a soap box and lecture people on t.v. about how they’re being irresponsible adults and teaching pluralistic gibberish to impressionable young minds. I could probably have a blog devoted solely to that end.

But I don’t want to be that kind of Christian. Or that kind of teacher. Which is why I try to avoid writing blogs that constantly talk about how awful the world is and the immorality that Hollywood is espousing. There are a lot of other Christians writing that sort of thing, and I don’t think the internet needs another blog like that.

With that whole background in mind, I’ve been wrestling with the subject of this particular post. In the spirit of my personal blogging commitments, I don’t want this to turn into one of those “Aren’t we so much better and smarter than the world around us!” blogs, but I do want to express something that’s been on my mind. So as I proceed, know that that’s my heart.

Ok!

So a couple weeks ago I happened upon a music video performed by a teen star  (who will remain nameless) who is currently attempting to shed her squeaky clean image. The transition has come in gradual stages–each new video in the past year has been a little bit racier than the one before it. Each one has made me just a little bit uncomfortable, but the most recent one left me feeling like a disappointed mom.

The disappointment was not, however, related to what you’re probably thinking. I was disappointed in her lack of originality. She is not the first, nor will she be the last young woman who feels that the best way to express herself as an adult is through sexuality. And to me, this points to a startling lack of imagination in the arts. Will the truly original, budding female singer please stand up? Because all I see is the same played out story, over and over and over again.

In an age where 13 years olds are “sexting” naked pictures of themselves to their boyfriends and Ivy League students are more proud of their sexual exploits on campus than their academic accomplishments, young women seem to think the primary way to establish themselves as powerful, competent adults is in the way they use their bodies. To young women everywhere, sexuality equals maturity, which is why countless young actresses and singers take this route. Any inkling that mature adulthood has to do with the mind and the soul, not the body, seems to be off the radar.

As an adult, I can say with total certainty that sexuality has nothing to do with maturity. Anyone can be sexual. Not everyone can be mature. With that in mind, Christians need to have a more robust understanding of maturity and adulthood as we teach younger generations how to grow into women of God. We need to articulate personal growth in a way that goes far beyond moral versus immoral, considering instead what is wise versus foolish and what is true strength versus insecurity. We need to be ready with a compelling, thoughtful alternative to the powerful messages that young women are consuming on t.v.

What is that alternative?

To answer this question we need to first identify what immaturity looks like. I think it is best summarized by Ephesians 4:14: “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching…” Immaturity is most notably marked by a lack of stability in the self. An immature woman doesn’t know who she is or doesn’t feel confident about herself, so she is a slave to that search. She does things to get attention, she tends to be selfish and self-absorbed, and she can only mimic those she admires, all because she doesn’t have a clear vision of who God created her to be. As a result, she is “tossed back and forth” by the waves of many different influences–the need to be liked and accepted, societal standards of beauty and success, etc. In this way, an inappropriate use of one’s sexuality reveals not empowerment, but bondage.

Maturity, on the other hand, is a state of being anchored. A mature woman rests in a posture of stability, able to analyze and reject the unhealthy influences around her instead of being rocked by them. As a Christian, she knows who she is in Christ and she knows what her purpose is, so she is able to operate out of that place of strength. She is not a slave to others or her surrounding cultural standards. And because she is not preoccupied with herself, she has the freedom to look outside of herself–not for affirmation, but to affirm and care for others.

Now I know that, according to those definitions, NONE of us is fully mature. Ephesians 4:13 equates full maturity with the “fullness of Christ,” a goal none of us will reach this side of eternity. Maturity is a lifelong pursuit that often has nothing to do with age (I know people in their early 20′s who are much mature than people in their 60′s!). There is a definite spectrum, but within the bounds of the church that spectrum is measured in relation to Christ. As Christians, the key to maturity is found in Christ. The more we anchor ourselves in him, the better able we are to resist the waves that threaten to toss us about. That, not sexuality or even the ability to vote, is the true sign of maturity. And that is a message that we should not only be teaching our daughters, but women of all ages.

All you hopeless romantics out there are probably familiar with the plot-twisting scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary in which Bridget–the insecure, unlucky-in-love heroine of the film–hears something quite shocking from a man in her life, words so unusual that even her friends  are stunned to hear them:

“I like you very much. Just as you are.”

Just as you are. It’s no wonder Bridget was shocked to hear these words! We live in a world where women are often judged according to what they can do or produce, not simply who they are as individuals–Have you found a man to marry you? How many children do you have? How well do you cook? Are you able to keep your house clean and well-decorated at all times? Have you scrap-booked all of your children’s milestones? How well are your kids performing in school? And can you do all these things well while maintaining a fit and trim figure to please your husband?

With air-brushed models on magazine stands and the perfect Proverbs 31 women hanging over our heads in church, Christian women also struggle with feeling like they don’t measure up. Our society has very particular standards of value and we can easily become slaves to them. As a result, it’s hard to ever feel that you are really loved, just as you are, with lasting certainty. Truly unconditional love can seem rather elusive.

As a single woman I felt this elusiveness in an especially acute way, often wondering if ANY man could ever love me just the way I am. But the wondering did not end on my wedding day. Even now, I catch myself worrying about whether I compare to the super models that my husband sees on t.v., questioning whether he’s still glad that he married me or if he sometimes feels duped.

No matter what stage of life, we will be faced with the temptation to prove ourselves or earn people’s respect on a fairly consistent basis. And for good reason–we want to be good wives, mothers, friends and daughters. Even so, the unending treadmill of people-pleasing can be exhausting, and at the end of the day it doesn’t offer a security and acceptance that lasts.

Given this production-driven value system, I was refreshed and encouraged by a quote I heard this week. It came from a commentary on Genesis 2 in which Adam first encountered Eve. Seeing her for the first time, Adam spontaneously offers a poetic pronouncement, words that scholar Derek Kidner described the following way:

“The naming of the animals, a scene which portrays man as monarch of all he surveys, poignantly reveals him as a social being, made for fellowship, not power: he will not live until he loves, giving himself away (24) to another on his own level.  So the woman is presented wholly as his partner and counterpart; nothing is yet said of her as childbearer.  She is valued for herself alone.”

(Derek Kidner.  Genesis.  Tyndale Commentary Series. InterVarsity Press, 1967. p. 65)

Isn’t that beautiful?? Adam expects nothing of her–in fact, he is only focused on his role in serving her. Her value comes not from her beauty, her ability to bear children, or any other measure of a “good Christian wife.” She is highly valued simply for who she is.

That was Eden. That was the perfect male-female relationship that God intended.

Sadly, we don’t live in that perfect garden anymore. Our world is marred by misguided cultural norms and selfish motives–all of which impose themselves on the female identity. However, this snapshot of a pure moment between the first man and woman reminds us that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. The pressures we feel to be a good Christian woman, wife and mother are not from God. These value standards are not what God intended, nor are they any reflection of your value you as a woman.

So I want to encourage you with that today. If you are longing to be loved just the way you are, or if you are constantly plagued by the feeling that you just can’t measure up in some particular area, remember that it’s not supposed to be that way. The way that our world (and sometimes the church!) values women is a sign of the Fall. It is a sign of brokenness and sin. It is NOT a sign of your worth. God created you just the way you are because He wanted you that way. Yes, God wants to redeem your life from the sin that imprisons you, but when it comes to the special ways He created you to reflect His image, He wouldn’t change a thing.

There is a Psalm that captures my imagination every time I read it. It’s Psalm 115, and in verses 4-8 we read about the consequences of looking to idols instead of God:

“Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands.
They have mouths, but do not speak;
eyes but do not see.
They have ears but do not hear;
noses but do not smell.
They have hands but do not feel;
feet but do not walk;
and they do not make a sound in their throat.
Those who make them become like them;
so do all who trust in them.”

“Those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them.” Those are powerful, haunting words. Ever since I read them I have been praying for insight into their meaning for my own life, and I want to share it with you now.

Since reading these words, God has identified 2 key idols in my life (though they are countless more) that have shaped my identity as a result of “putting my trust in them.” The first is the way I look. Last night my husband and I talked about walking the line between looking good for him versus looking good for sinful reasons. Because it’s important for me to take care of myself and look good for my husband, I often allow this pure motive to disguise my impure motives. My more superficial or insecure motives slip in the back door under the excuse of pleasing my husband. But in reality, there is an idol there.

As I reflected on what the above Scripture means for my soul in this regard, I realized that when I make material things into an idol, I “become just like them.” That is to say, all glamour but no substance. The things I wear look pretty, but at the end of the day they’re just cotton, plastic or glass. What I wear may look pretty but only for a moment. That with which I adorn my body is only passing away because it’s not made of anything that lasts. It’s cheap and poorly made.

According to the above Scripture, I am becoming just like the adornments I just described. The more I put my trust in how I look, the more my identity will become like them. I will become superficial. My soul will abide in things that do not last. I may look glamorous, but the substance of my soul is cheap.

The second idol that God identified to me is my husband and my marriage. I had to think a little bit harder about what it means to “become like them” in regard to my husband. While it is certainly true that the two of us can become like one another in negative ways, pulling one another down instead of building one another up, I think the better interpretation here is that my identity becomes too intertwined with his. It’s not that I am literally turning into my husband, but that I cannot distinguish my own identity apart from him.

This becomes most noticeable when he hurts my feelings or disappoints me. It can be devastating, and because my identity is tied to his in an idolatrous way, I am wrecked by it. I have no resource for stepping outside of the situation and speaking, hearing, seeing and feeling like Christ because I am more tied to my husband than I am to Him. So while it is true that a husband and wife are to become one, that unity is to be sustained by Christ, not apart from him. From this perspective, there have been times when our union has gone rogue.

Those are just two of the countless other idols with which our identities get entwined. Our children, our careers, getting attention from the opposite sex, our abilities, the size and beauty of our house and even our hobbies can become idols that shape who we are instead of being shaped by Christ. So I challenge you to examine your own life in light of the above passage. What are your idols, and how are you becoming like them? This Scripture is a helpful reminder that worship is not simply a matter of God wanting out attention, but because what we worship determines our identities and He designed us to be like Him, not our impotent idols.

This weekend my church had a guest pastor named Jerome Gay who totally knocked it out of the park with a fresh approach to the character of Leah. He preached on the topic of identity, and offered a reading of Genesis 29 that has some powerful implications for women today.

I don’t know about you, but I’d honestly never given Leah that much thought. She was the ugly, lazy-eyed sister of beautiful Rachel, so unlovable that her father had to trick a man into marrying her. Let’s be honest–I would MUCH rather relate to Rachel. Not Leah. Like the characters in the story, I ignored Leah as the unpopular, undesirable character in the story that I didn’t wanna think too much about.

Well as it turns out, that’s exactly why I SHOULD relate to Leah. Like many women in our world today, Leah was a woman who had been rejected by the most important people in her life: her father, her sister, and her husband. And like most women today, she spent a lot of effort trying to find someone to accept her. Sadly, her efforts were sorely misplaced.

Leah’s first attempt at finding acceptance was in a husband. Unfortunately he wanted a different wife almost immediately. Yes, Jacob had been working towards marrying Rachel all along, but don’t miss the lesson here. Neither Jacob nor Leah would be the last couple to be dissatisfied with their marriage. Throughout the history of humankind, people have gotten married to their own “Rachel,” only to wake up one morning and realize she’s a “Leah.”

Spouses disappoint. They do not satisfy that need for wholeness and acceptance.

So Leah moved on to something new: children. Yet again, the parallels with today’s women are unmistakeable! Many women who are dissatisfied with their marriage will start having kids to fill the void. They know their children will love them them and validate them, and that’s exactly what Leah was seeking after. She named her first Reuben, which means, ” Behold a son.” As Pastor Gray pointed out, this name is symbolic of the many ways we try to validate our identities through production. Some women feel validated by the ability to have children. Others feel validated by their career. Whatever the outlet, we think our value comes from what we contribute or produce.

Inevitably, this mode of acceptance fails us when someone out-produces us or we fail to produce what we want. It’s no longer garnering us the attention we crave. Production does not satisfy, so we look elsewhere.

In Leah’s case, she had another son named Simeon, which means “heard.” Pastor Gray noted that Simeon’s name is symbolic of a second way we seek validation: Recognition. At this point in the story, Rachel is barren but Leah clearly is not. With the birth of Reuben Leah was probably thinking, “Now I’ll get noticed! Look how many sons I’m giving Jacob. Now I will finally be recognized as the good wife that I am.”

But Jacob didn’t notice. He still loved Rachel the best. So Leah kept on searching.

Her next son was named Levi which means “joined to.” Pastor Gray pointed out the significance of sociality to one’s identity–many of us feel validated by how many relationships we have in our lives. That’s what Leah was hoping for. Her husband had rejected her over and over, so she kept having children to compensate.

But no son ever satisfied. No son ever filled the void that had been left by her father and husband. Every time she attained her promised savior, it slipped through her fingers. Proverbs 23:5 describes this frustrating cycle, warning us not to toil after those worldly idols: “When your eyes light on it, it is gone, for suddenly it sprouts wings, flying like an eagle toward heaven.” I love that imagery because that’s exactly how we feel! We can never quite hold onto that perfection we seek.

Leah had trapped herself in an endless cycle. Every time she thought she’d found the answer, it let her down. Every time she thought she’d been blessed with a solution, it escaped her. Ironically, each one of these blessings was actually a message from God. “Behold a son” was a message about God’s provision. “Heard” was a reminder that God was listening. “Joined to” was a statement about God’s faithfulness to her. Each time God was proclaiming His love, and each time Leah missed the message. Instead of looking up, she looked around.

Little did she know that women would continue to follow her example for ages to come. God gives us a boyfriend or a husband and we grab onto it like a life-preserver, instead of looking to the ultimate Life-saver. God gives us a child and we hover over it, as if the world now revolves around our child instead of Him. God gives us a wonderful job and we spend all our energy on it at the expense of service to Him. Time and time again God is trying to get our attention with His goodness, but we mistake the message. Will we ever get it right?

Fortunately, Leah does. In verse 35 she bears Judah, a name meaning “praise.” Finally, Leah has stopped looking at the gift and is now looking at the Giver. Finally she is stepping out of the destruction of her own making and seeking the only One who can truly make her whole. No more searching. No more striving. No more disappointment.

Leah’s example offers us all a challenge. Will we set our hopes and dreams on the things that will simply sprout wings and fly away, or will we choose God? This question is at the heart of women’s ministry as women constantly choose any and every option other than God. But when will the madness end? How long will you allow yourself to be stuck in the cycle? When will you wake up and recognize that all along, it was all about Him?

The other day I was looking for a book at a Christian bookstore, and whenever I go I like to swing by the “Women’s Interest” section just to see what women are writing about these days. On this most recent visit, I noticed how many of the books dealt with the topic of beauty. A surprisingly large percentage of the books addressed the issue from varying perspectives: what is true beauty, what does it mean to be beautiful in the Lord’s eyes, how to fight for your beauty, etc.

Another large percentage dealt with what I call “survival issues”–healing, managing a busy schedule, overcoming hard times, bad marriages, difficult kids, etc.  Between self-help and beauty, I’d say those topics constituted about 80-90% of the women’s section.

This ratio made quite an impression on me. It also led me to reflect on whether this trend is spiritually healthy, given that it so thoroughly dominates the teaching that is out there. I’ve addressed the self-help phenomenon in previous posts, explaining why an over-emphasis on self-help can actually be spiritually detrimental–the solution is self-forgetfulness in God, not a greater focus on self–but what about beauty? For all the Scriptural interpretations that encourage women to embrace their God-given beauty, is it healthy to be SO focused on it?

To be fair, there is clearly an attack on women’s beauty in our culture. Even after writing a post about airbrushing last week, I still found myself standing in line at Barnes and Noble yesterday, staring at a girl on the cover of Shape Magazine thinking to myself, “She’s airbrushed, remember? She’s airbrushed, she’s airbrushed, she’s airbrushed!” because my body did NOT look like hers. It’s tough out there, and I sincerely believe Satan has a stronghold in this regard. God created women to uniquely reflect his divine beauty, and Satan’s had a field day attacking that attribute. There have been a lot of casualties.

Because of this spiritual war, women have sounded the battle cry. We’ve recognized the attacks, rallied the troops, and fought for our divine image. This advance is definitely a good thing. In a culture where women starve themselves, exercise themselves to death, and hook up with random guys all because they want to feel beautiful, we would be irresponsible not to address this issue. There is clearly a deep need within every woman to feel beautiful, and we ought to take that need seriously.

However, Satan is the great Deceiver. Even in our good intentions, he can creep in and pervert them. Knowing this, I have to ask if, in our desire to address the issue of beauty, Satan has blinded us to a bigger issue. When we focus largely on restoring women to a godly definition of beauty, are we feeding into a culture that ranks beauty, not godliness, as its most valuable currency? I hardly doubt that most of the books in Christian bookstores would argue that beauty is more important than godliness (they likely teach a definition of beauty that equates the two) but is it possible that we’ve allowed our culture to define the terms of the battle, instead of God? We are stopping up holes in a leaky dam, instead of building a dam that will never succumb to leaks in the first place.

Having said that, the real problem is not that “true beauty” is under attack. The problem is that we are not a generation of women who are immersed in God’s Word and captivated by His glory. As I mentioned above, the solution to low self-esteem is not self-help–it’s self forgetfulness in God. We must be so profoundly in love with God and His Son that our own need to be esteemed fades in comparison. My personal beauty only has significance inasmuch as I reflect the beauty of God.

Having said that, I don’t think we need to do away with books about beauty. It’s important to equip women with the tools and knowledge to fight the onslaught of Satan’s lies. However, our primary weapon is not books about beauty. Our primary weapon is God’s Word. We need to cloak ourselves in the truth of Scripture in such a way that makes up impervious to any lie that Satan hurls at us. They’ll bounce off our hearts like bullets hitting Superman’s chest–completely ineffective.

I should also add that I think women like Beth Moore and Kay Arthur strike this balance remarkably well. These two women certainly address beauty and healing, but the bulk of their work focuses on studying the Bible. These women know the Bible, and they’re equipping women to do the same. I applaud them in their Gospel-centered focus, and I pray it is a taste of what’s to come for Women’s Ministry. I hope that one day when I swing by the “Women’s Interest” section I won’t merely see books about overcoming marital problems and rediscovering one’s inner beauty. I hope to see shelves filled with the teachings of godly women about the powerful sword that is God’s mighty, indestructible Word. That is the answer to our beauty problem.

Over the years I’ve posted a number of blogs about body image and how tremendously the images of women in the media shape our understanding of beauty. And while most of us realize that these images represent a tiny percentile of the entire human race–and likely an unhealthy, semi-starved percentile at that–it turns out these women don’t even live up to the images themselves.

Just check out this video released by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty:

As shocking as this video may be, it documents a practice that is actually quite commonplace today: Airbrushing. The term “airbrush” dates back nearly a hundred years ago when photographs were literally airbrushed with paint to minimize flaws or change details. Today, this term refers to any kind of digital alteration of a photo.

The extent to which airbrushing can alter a woman’s physique, face, or any “undesirable” feature is quite remarkable. Just check out these airbrushed women:

Kim Kardashian is known for her beautiful curves, but they are noticeably minimized here. Apparently she was too curvy.

While Kim Kardashian was too curvy, Keira Knightly wasn’t curvy enough, as this movie poster clearly conveys. Which one is it, people??

And now, the one that takes the cake…

Gisele  Bundchen, international super model, is pregnant in this picture. But you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because they airbrushed out her pregnant belly!

Now I’ll admit there was a part of me that breathed a huge sigh of relief when I realized how thoroughly these beautiful women had been altered before appearing on the front cover of magazines. (and News Flash ladies–those six-pack abs you see on women who’ve birthed 3 children are often airbrushed and touched up as well!) It’s as if we’ve finally admitted that the Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes. These women aren’t real–not on some ideological level in which we mean that real women don’t have time to look that way–but in a very literal sense. The images themselves aren’t real. Those women don’t actually look like that.

My relief, however, quickly morphed into something else entirely. I was deeply disturbed that our culture’s standard of beauty is literally unattainable. In what can only be considered reckless marketing, these magazines are selling an outright lie. We’re not just seeing the prettiest of the pretty–we’re seeing the touched up, doctored version of them. The Father of Lies has found his weapon, and we are the target.

How, then, are we to combat this onslaught? The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty created a second video that offers a really wonderful answer:

“Talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does.” But don’t stop there. Talk to your friends, your family, younger women at your church, and most importantly speak truth to yourself. Our best defense against the lies of Satan is the truth of Christ. And our fellow soldiers in this fight are our sisters. So help them fight, but not by affirming them in areas that the world values, thereby feeding back into this culture of distorted beauty. Instead affirm them in the unfading beauty of their gentle spirit and the adornment of their good deeds. Affirm them in their modesty, their purity, their passion for Christ, their servant heart, and their hospitable kindness. Affirm them in those things which God calls beautiful, not the world. It’s not wrong to affirm women in their outward beauty, but we need to check our priorities. A pretty face is nice and all, but a woman who fears the Lord is truly worthy to be praised.

Today marks the 10 day count down until my WEDDING DAY (woot woot!) which means I will not be posting many new blogs in the next couple weeks (And none during my honeymoon…I hope you understand that I’ll be otherwise occupied). Til then, I’m going to re-post some of my older entries for those of you who missed them the first time. Enjoy!

Yesterday as I sat by the pool reading, I overheard the following conversation between a guy and a girl who were sitting nearby. The young man was criticizing a friend of his who treats women badly:

“The guy talks down to her all the f—ing time! I’m sorry but I could never be such a d—head and f—ing talk to girls like that.”

The girl nodded in full agreement. I imagine her heart swooned to be in the presence of such a gentleman. “Who says chivalry is dead?!” she must have thought.

Can we please back up and review that conversation? Even now I sit in amazement of how ridiculous the whole thing was. While condemning another man for supposedly treating women poorly, this guy was simultaneously showering the girl’s ears with profanity. While criticizing another man for disrespecting women, he was disrespecting her.

And what’s even worse is that she ate it all up! Not once did she see the hypocrisy of his actions. It never dawned on her that he was dishonoring her by speaking so obscenely. In her eyes, his passionate distaste for another man’s sins was chivalry enough.

Sadly, this kind of “chivalry” pervades our culture. For another pertinent example, just look at popular song lyrics today–it’s now a term of endearment when a man calls a woman his “bitch.” Women feel flattered when guys ogle their bodies like pieces of meat in a butcher shop window. And it’s even gotten so bad that women will excuse their husband’s infidelity as long as he doesn’t leave them. These women proudly state, “He may go out with those other women, but he always comes home to me!”

Seriously? Is that the best we can hope for?

The ironic thing is that women have encouraged this behavior as well. In addition to dressing in ways that provoke the exact kind of attention we should be discouraging, some women actually punish men for being gentlemen.

I will never forget the time a guy friend of mine was riding on the bus when a young women got on. There weren’t any seats available, so my friend stood up and offered his seat to her. The girl’s response was surprising. Instead of gratefully taking his seat, she was indignant: “I don’t want your seat! It’s not like I’m too weak to stand!”

This isn’t the only time I’ve heard stories of this kind. I know numerous men who’ve been reprimanded by young ladies when they held the door for them. The mindset, I assume, is that men are treating women as weak, fragile, inferior beings when they condescend to offer such gestures.

This is the backwards world we live in. We have become so confused that we interpret honor as insult. Women are actually demanding disrespect as a sign of respect. Not only do we tolerate it, but we invite it.

But why?

This is a complex question that has many, many different answers, but at the heart of it all is a complete loss of our identity. Women have forgotten that they are the crowning jewel of creation, designed to glorify God with their beauty, requiring honor and respect from the men created to care for them. Women have forgotten that they were made in God’s image, so they should expect men to treat them with the appropriate respect that such an image deserves.

Ladies, we must refuse to participate in a culture that renames dishonor as valor, cowardice as courage, and dominance as strength. We may twist and rationalize every misbehavior possible, but at the end of the day it is still utterly detestable to God Himself, so we must work to view the world through this lens.

And if you have a female friend who is allowing herself to be romanced with this new form of chivalry, please tell her. Remind her that God created her for more than she realizes, so she must not stand by while her beauty, and the beauty of God, are spit upon. We are better than that. And more importantly, God is better than that.

Greek mythology tells the story of a man named Narcissus who was exceptionally cruel, even to those who loved him. As a punishment from the gods for a life poorly-lived, Narcissus was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Not realizing it was his own, Narcissus was so captivated by his image that he was unable to leave until he eventually perished there.

It is from this story that we get the term “narcissism”–an inordinate fascination with oneself, or excessive self-love. Vanity.

In extreme cases, this narcissism has been diagnosed as a type of personality disorder.  In fact, the disorder has served as a scapegoat in the face of bad decision making–such as that of former senator John Edwards, whose explanation for committing adultery was “a narcissism that leads you to believe you can do whatever you want.”

Now as much as these political scandals are almost becoming cliché, studies are now showing that such narcissism is not just for politicians anymore–it’s becoming more and more common among average Americans. A new book by psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge entitled The Narcissism Epidemic charts the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have the narcissism disorder. In a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans, one out of 16 respondents registered as a narcissist on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” or, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve,” and, “I find it easy to manipulate people.”

And young people appear to be the worst, registering highest in the population. Nearly 10 percent of twenty-somethings reported narcissistic symptoms, compared with only 3 percent of those over 65.

But what I found most interesting about the study was its conclusions about narcissism’s effect’s on society as a whole–and more specifically, dating and marriage. Interestingly, the rise in narcissism has been proportionate to the rise in the American “hook-up culture,” which the researchers explain as follows: “One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is short-term relationships that don’t require a lot of emotional investment…The current trend right now, especially among younger people, is that ‘I’m going to focus on myself, not on forging an emotionally close relationship.’”

Unfortunately, the consequences don’t end there. Narcissism has even more severe consequences for marriage. Because of the self-help culture mentality which teaches “I am great,” Americans have begun to scrutinize their romantic partners with a kind of “You better be great too” mentality. Twenge and Campbell have therefore concluded that the solution to having a healthy romantic relationship is NOT learning to love yourself first: “There is no evidence that people with very high self-esteem are any better in a relationship than people with low self-esteem.”

As Hannah Seligson of The Daily Beast summarized the situation,

“Narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

People are no longer encouraged to compromise or be patient. It is all about being fulfilled and making yourself happy, a practice that is not only toxic in marriages, but can lead to larger family problems. Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity explains, “Think of parenting. When your kid is being a pain, parents have to see the bigger picture—that being a parent has so many benefits and a deeper joy. It’s a perspective that people in good marriages have. Narcissists, however, have a big blind spot. For them, it’s about being fulfilled all the time.” This would perhaps explain why Americans are waiting much longer to have children, and on their own schedule.

It also explains why so many marriages are crumbling. Perel explains, “The culture of narcissism is about your personal happiness coming first and your partner coming second. It’s what’s at the core of divorce.”

So what does all of this mean for the self-help movement that seems to have fed our narcissistic culture? Some experts are saying it’s time to dump it. Therapist and relationship expert Terry Real concludes,

“There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself. We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity. Everything from feminism to 12-step recovery to religion has become about ‘I was weak, now I’m strong, go screw yourself. The danger is in narcissists taking this too far and blaming their partners if they’re not 100 percent satisfied in their love lives.”

All of this research seems to indicate that the Greeks had it right thousands of years ago when they first spun the tale of Narcissus: an over-emphasis on self leads to death. Perhaps not a physical death, but the death of everything around you–relationships, marriage, and family. And as Christians, we should not be surprised. All that narcissism really is is a form of idolatry–worship of the self. So while we should learn to love ourselves in a way that is healthy and recognizes the divine image in our created being, we should never be in the business of pushing self-help resources. Too many Christians teachers and writers fall on the wrong side of that line.

* For more on this, check out Hannah Seligson’s entire article here.

Ever since I was a small child I can remember watching valiant attempts at effective, anti-drug campaigns on t.v. Who can forget the famous father and son drug confrontation??–”I learned it from watching you!” (In case you aren’t familiar with this 80′s classic, you can check it out here)

Twenty years later those commercials still pepper the television. And while some of them remain unconvincing, some of them are also pretty creative. In particular, the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign  launched an ad this past May that I really liked:

This commercial is noteworthy due to its insight about motivations. Many of the “voices” that the young man hears are actually quite good ones. He would be foolish not to listen to them. They are providing healthy, compelling reasons to stay off drugs.

Yet this ad recognizes the pitfalls of listening to those “good voices.” Were he to follow their advice, even when it’s good, the teen would still be engaging in the same faulty decision-making that led him astray in the first places: It’s all a form of peer pressure. Whether it’s a pot-head friend at school or his concerned parents, these voices are all exerting a kind of pressure that sways his conscience in their direction, rather than helping him to form opinions of his own.

So instead of being tossed around by the various voices of others, this ad encourages teens to make their own decisions. In doing so, teens will have an immovable North Star amidst the storm of competing voices.

On one level, I think this perspective is brilliant. It exposes the human tendency to people-please, the vanity of it, and the ways in which this desire can pervert even the best of intentions. But what’s even more significant to me is that this type of well-intentioned people-pleasing is very present in the Church. Frequently Christians are motivated not by God’s opinion, but the opinions of other Christians. This kind of people-pleasing is sometimes hard to identify because it often results in a seemingly healthy Christian life. The opinions that are most revered are frequently very sound and good. Yet we go astray whenever our primary spiritual compass is determined by them. Rather than weigh our lives against the teachings of Christ and God’s Word, we listen more intently to those Christians whom we most respect.

And that leads us to the ultimate flaw with the anti-drug ad. It fails to actually identify the only voice that matters–God’s. Contrary to what the commercial implies, the teenager’s own voice is really no different from the other voices he hears. As fallible humans, our emotions and circumstances cloud our judgment and give us conflicting messages all the time. Discerning the difference between your voice and others can often be a nearly impossible task. At times, the two are indistinguishable.

And the same is true for Christians. When we are driven by the opinions of others, even if their advice is godly, we are doing little more than the insecure teenager who is enslaved to the opinion of her peers. While the outcome may look different on the outside–one lifestyle appears to be healthy while the other does not–the underlying motives are the same. Both the Christian and the teenager are building upon a foundation that will ultimately falter.

That is why our only true North Star is the voice of the Father. Only the perfect words of Scripture can anchor us amidst the voices of others and ourselves. That is why a better, more holistic closing to the ad would therefore read, “The only voice that matters is Yours.” In our culture, that is a message that every teenager, every woman, and every Christian needs to hear.

This is an old post, but when I went to the gym yesterday and saw a dozen girls who were 10 pounds underweight killing themselves on the treadmill, and THEN I felt insecure about my own size, I decided it was time for this reminder. This is something that we women all need to hear on a regular basis…

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Right now I’m in Atlanta hanging out with my 10 year old cousin, and we’ve been having a blast! We’ve gone to Stone Mountain Park, Lake Lanier Water Park, and last night we had a “Camp Rock” sleepover with one of her friends.

(In case you don’t know what “Camp Rock” is, it’s a movie that debuted on Disney last night starring the Jonas Brothers. And if you don’t know who the Jonas Brothers are, then you are hopelessly uncool and I’m afraid I can’t help you.)

My cousin and uncle live in a suburb of Atlanta that is so idyllic it makes me feel like I’m living in the 50′s. All the houses are perfect with nicely manicured lawns, all the kids are friends with each other, all the parents hang out together, and they all go to the same school (which also happens to be amazing–it’s nice and it’s safe and the teachers are wonderful). Oh, and everyone is pretty…even the dads.

And that’s exactly why I’ve always loved coming here to visit. It’s always been the kind of place I wanted to raise my family. However, I’m starting to wonder if it’s not quite as perfect as I always thought. I’ve started to notice something during this trip that I hadn’t noticed before. It first grabbed my attention a couple days ago at my cousin’s swim meet, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since…

I was standing near the pool waiting for my cousin’s race to begin, when I noticed three women standing in front of me. What caught my attention was that they all pretty much looked the same–thin, athletic, toned bodies, blond hair, manicured hands and feet, and cute outfits. From the back, they almost looked like teenagers–but they were in their late 30′s or early 40′s.

As I observed these women I started to feel a little insecure about myself. Not only were they in better shape than I am, but I wondered if I’d be able to make my body look like that after I’d had kids. These women didn’t look like they’d actually given birth to human children! They instead had the bodies of 18 year old girls.

Well I decided to start looking around at the other people nearby so that I would stop feeling so insecure about myself, but to my dismay I saw exactly the same thing. Actually that’s a lie–some of the women were brunettes. But they were all skinny, toned, and cute. There were a couple women who had, well, women’s bodies, but they were the exception to the rule.

At first I thought, “Is this what lies ahead for me? Does the quest for model-like bodies never end?” But then I comforted myself with the idea, “This probably isn’t normal. I bet it’s just this neighborhood. Surely there can’t be many communities like this one.”

I was wrong.

The next day my cousin and I went to the water park, and I saw more moms with breast enhancements than I ever thought possible. They were as skinny as rails and you could see the muscle tone in their stomachs. Again, not all of the women looked like this, but there were enough of them to be noticeable. After all, this wasn’t Los Angeles–this was an Atlanta suburb! What is going on here??

Well I think I found a possible explanation…

USA Today recently ran a story revealing that more and more women over 30 are struggling with eating disorders. It explains, “Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia have long been considered diseases of the young, but experts say in recent years more women have been seeking help in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and older.” The article then cited the following distressing statistics:

In the Minneapolis suburb of St. Louis Park, Park Nicollet Health Services’ Eating Disorders Institute saw 43 patients ages 38 and older in 2003 — about 9% of its total patients. For the first six months of this year (2007), the institute has treated nearly 500 patients 38 and older, about 35% of its total.

The Renfrew Center, a network of treatment centers in the eastern U.S., said about 20% of the 522 patients treated at its Philadelphia center in 2005 were 30 or older. In 2006, about 13% of the 600 patients were in that age group.

Body image is no longer the concern of teenage girls alone. Women of all ages are feeling pressure to look a certain way and to fit a particular mold. And it’s no wonder! It’s not as though you spend years feeling a certain way about your body, and then suddenly wake up one day feeling fine. In fact, the pressure is bound to get worse as your body fights the effects of age. If you give in to your insecurities now, and if you believe the lies that society tells women about their bodies, then you are sentencing yourself to a losing battle.

Now it’s not as though I think that all women are doomed to be overweight once they have children, so we should embrace obesity. It’s important for us to take care of our bodies, eat healthy, exercise, and maintain our beauty as a gift to our husbands.

BUT, there is also a degree to which we should celebrate our bodies the way God made us. The fact of the matter is that having children requires us to sacrifice our bodies. We’ll get stretch marks and we’ll gain weight in areas we never gained weight before. Our bodies will bear the marks of bringing a new life into the world.

Yet those marks that we so despise are actually marks of beauty! God created the gift of life, and women get to serve a blessed role in that process, so whatever God calls good, we must also call good. Fight the message that our culture sends women to look a certain way. Take care of your bodies, yes, but rejoice in the journey of life, and all the sags, bags and bulges it brings along with it. Our culture may reject those signs of aging as being ugly and undesirable, but Scripture reminds us that “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

*In case you’d like to read the whole USA Today article that I cited above, you can check it out here.