We drove to church and I strolled into the sanctuary expecting your typical Mother’s Day message. You know, something about how awesome mothers are. Instead, I sat down to an interview with journalist Nicholas Kristof, and it was the worst Mother’s Day message I’ve ever heard.

It was also one of the most important.

I say the message was terrible because it was. In case you’re unfamiliar with Kristof, he is the author of Half the Sky, which documents the plight of women all across the world. Kristof has witnessed first-hand some of the worst human rights abuses against women, and he has now staked much of his career on advocating for women.

Although his stories would have been hard for any person to hear, there was something about my new status as a mother that made me feel particularly raw. The worship service opened with a video featuring two young girls whose lives transpired in two different ways: one received education while the other did not. The one who received education was able to overcome her difficult circumstances to become a nurse. The one without education filled her childhood days by picking up trash in a dump, and her entire life was spent surviving poverty.

Watching this video, knowing full well that countless children throughout the world are plagued with the second child’s fate, made me feel sick.

Kristof went on to tell stories about sex trafficking and the millions of women who are simply “missing” in the world due to “lethal” gender discrimination in many parts of the world. Throughout the interview it was all I could do to keep it together.

The entire service I wondered whether my church leaders had taken a risk in choosing such a heavy and horrible topic for Mother’s Day. Like me, I’m sure many women came in expecting a certain kind of message, only to be blind-sided with gruesome tales of human depravity. Would some church members be mad or disappointed?

I don’t know how anyone else responded, but as much as it started off my Mother’s Day on an unexpected foot, I’m grateful that my church leaders invited Kristof. As a mother, his message matters to me, especially as a mother of a son.

One of the things that Kristof mentioned during the interview was the privilege we Americans enjoy. By being born in the U.S., it’s as if we have won the lottery due to no merit of our own. But even within our country certain Americans enjoy greater privilege than others. Historically, white Americans and male Americans have benefited all the more.

I believe the gender gap in our country is narrowing, but the historic advantage that has traditionally been attached to white men in our country has given me a lot to think about as the mother-to-be of a white male. For reasons God only knows, my son is being born into a position of privilege and power, which places a real burden on me and Ike. How do we raise our son to steward the privilege God has given him? In a world where baby girls are literally killed because they are female, how will my baby boy be a blessing to others, especially those in need?

I suspect those are questions that all Christian parents probably ask of themselves. Though we are not all born into privilege, those of us who are must question how to bless others with the blessing we’ve been given. And even Christians who are not born into financial privilege probably consider the witness of their family. The gift of Christ is a blessing we must share, and we pray that our children will be a part of that legacy.

All of that to say, Mother’s Day confronted me with the heavy but good burden of motherhood. As nervous as I have been about “cutting it” as a mom, Sunday helped me to step back and think about the big picture–why it is that God gives us children, and what exactly my role is as a mother.

While I hope that my son is happy and successful and healthy and smart, God has a bigger vision beyond any one person or family. He has come to redeem the world, and we are a part of that redemption. So are our children. As I continue to pray for my son and his growing life, I will surely keep that in mind, praying that my son loves Jesus, seizes his role in the Kingdom of God, and runs the race well.

On the one hand, that vision is a heavier burden than the typical expectations American moms place on themselves. On the other hand, the Christian vision for parenting can only be realized by the grace of God.

In a world as dark as ours, where some mothers are forced to sell their children into slavery in order to survive, or choose which children they will feed, I submit myself and my family to the mercy of God, praying that we will help to make a better world. I pray that I, and my son, will be lights in a world that so desperately needs to know God. I hope to be that kind of mom.

After a week of reading about the issue and discussing it with people on both sides, I confess that I still find much of it to be very confusing. While a lot of North Carolinians have very strong convictions on either side of the debate, I found it to be exceedingly complex, and at times Ike and I both found ourselves scratching our heads over the details.

Having said that, I will not comment directly on the amendment here. I still don’t have a firm enough grasp on the legislation to speak knowledgeably about it. What I do want to comment on is the way this particular conversation is taking place.

Although the Marriage Amendment was a highly divisive issue in North Carolina, it did initiate conversation about gay marriage, and to an extent that has not really happened in North Carolina before. It is an important issue that warrants attention, so the increased dialogue was a good thing. However, the manner in which North Carolinians’ disagreements were aired was not always productive, and that’s what concerns me. I want to touch on that issue today, and I’ll begin by addressing Christians who are against the amendment before moving on to those who are for it.

Gay rights is frequently articulated as the civil rights issue of our day. I know many Christians who believe this to be true, and have advocated loudly and whole-heartedly for equal rights in the homosexual community. In addition to the fact that these Christians often have a much more nuanced theological account of sexuality than conservatives give them credit for, I tend to believe that this branch of the church is doing the important work of interceding for the weak and the marginalized in our society. Though I may not always see eye to eye with these brothers and sisters on all aspects of the issue, I appreciate their Christlike desire to stand between the persecutor and the persecuted. That is what Jesus called us to do.

That said, the language of “civil rights” is tricky and can be polarizing. The term is connected to our nation’s collective remorse about real and terrible sins that we have committed against members of our country. And because of this, I fear that the language of civil rights can, at times, oversimplify the arguments in play. By employing civil rights language, it can shut down conversation by pitting the freedom fighters against the homophobes, a dichotomy that hardly does justice to those who believe homosexuality is wrong.

That is not to say that homophobia and opposition to homosexuality are not always related. Many times they are. But to dismiss those who disagree with gay marriage or homosexuality as mere bigots is to be unfair and even manipulative. Many Christians in the church are honestly, humbly, and genuinely wrestling with the teachings of Scripture and the vast witness of the Church on this matter. They are weighing what they know of Christian teaching with their love for gay friends and family members. For many Christians, their conclusions are not rooted in fear but in study, conviction, and love of God and neighbor.

That said, Christians who disagree with homosexuality but are not doing so in hate, aggression, or violence should have the freedom to disagree without being called names by other Christians. They are not “unenlightened,” they are not “idiots,” and that kind of language has got to stop. It is divisive, it is untruthful, and it does not belong in the church, my friends.

With that in mind, I will now move on to those who supported the amendment.

I believe that Christians should have the freedom to disagree with the culture on the issue of homosexuality. I am someone who disagrees with much of the culture on this matter. However (and this is a BIG , underscored “however”), Christians who do so need to take responsibility for the fact that our disagreement can have real and terrible consequences for the gay community. In fact, our disagreement HAS had terrible consequences for the gay community.

The reality is that the church has been behind much of the hardship facing gays and lesbians in our nation today. Countless gays and lesbians have heart-breaking stories of being black-balled from their church communities after having been informed that God “hates” them or that they are going to Hell. This is to our shame, and we need to take responsibility for this sin.

As I mentioned before, Jesus set an example of protecting the persecuted, and the church has often been on the wrong side of this equation. Whether or not we agree with homosexuality, we are called to love the LGBT community and protect them from harm if they need it.

I suspect that many Christians underestimate how critical the need is. We see gay and lesbian celebrities who enjoy fame, success, and positive attention, or we watch television shows that glamorize the gay lifestyle. These examples lead to the false impression that it is no longer hard to be gay in our country, so Christians respond defensively, as if we are the ones without power.

But television is not real life. Much of what we see in Hollywood bears no resemblance to the actual, lived experience of gays and lesbians in our country. Their path is hard, it is lonely, and it is often full of pain. And unfortunately, Christians often contribute to that pain.

Knowing this, we must consider our language about homosexuality carefully and soberly. Although I disagree with the direction that many mainline Christian denominations have taken in the last decade, I have been hesitant to write about it for this very reason. I know that my words have the potential to cause suffering, and I take that very, very seriously.

For me, the question of sexuality and marriage in our country runs much deeper than the discussions currently taking place about homosexuality. Many heterosexuals in the church have an incredibly fractured understanding of sex and marriage, so that is where I choose to spend my time writing. I do that not as a cop out to avoid the issue, but because I am still learning how to balance my convictions with Jesus’ call to love everyone.

As I continue to navigate these muddy waters I know I will do so imperfectly, but I hope to do so humbly. Self-righteousness is never a Christian virtue, but on this particular matter in which Christians have done so much harm, self-righteousness is especially inappropriate. As we continue to dialogue about this issue we must confess our sin and our fear, and reject the temptation to construe one another in overly simplistic stereotypes. We are brothers and sisters in Christ–may our language reflect this conviction.

As I just mentioned, while I was home I attended two different weddings for long-time friends. Both weddings were a total joy and I had a blast. I am SO incredibly happy for both couples! However, weddings are also a sobering occasion for me. I know that sounds a bit Debbie Downer-ish, but here’s what I mean:

Although our culture treats weddings like a major social event (I mean, how many people are extremely disappointed when they show up to a dry reception?), the Christian faith believes that a wedding is much more. Certain Christian traditions believe marriage is a sacrament–ie. a means of God’s grace in our lives–and most Christians believe it is a sacred moment that depicts the holy union between Christ and his bride, the Church.

For Christians, a wedding ceremony is a very serious occasion in which two people commit to love one another in a way that testifies to God’s unconditional, unending love. However, that is not the only commitment that takes place on a wedding day. Of arguably equal importance is the commitment of their surrounding community to help them persevere in their vows, to live out the marriage covenant faithfully, even when it is difficult.

Evangelicals place a tremendous emphasis on the former commitment. We put couples through pre-marital counseling and inundate them with books to help them navigate the oft-rough waters of marriage. What evangelicals fail to emphasize as strongly is the communal commitment to support the couple, even though that commitment is critical.

No couple really understands what they are agreeing to on their wedding day, and if left to their own devices they will be vulnerable to a whole host of obstacles. That’s why the attendees are there–not only to share in the couple’s joy, but to participate in the marital commitment.

Theologian Stanley Hauerwas is one Christian who puts an adequate emphasis on the community role in a marriage. He argues that most couples marry for lust, not love, and while I personally think that’s a bit of an overstatement, I also get what he’s saying. For many of us, the wedding belongs to the honeymoon period when both the man and woman are young, healthy, childless, and doting. For many, though not all, the dating, engagement, and wedding represent the easiest (though perhaps less deep) phase of the relationship. It is only when a couple starts doing life together and encounters the hardships of marriage that they begin to understand what they have committed to. And it is then that a couple needs support.

It is for this reason that Hauerwas emphasizes the role of the community in helping a couple live into their vows. As the rose-colored glasses come off and a couple gets into the nitty-gritty stuff of marriage, they need a church body that will push them to be godly spouses, and exhort them to fight for their marriage.

That is why I take wedding attendance very seriously. If I stand behind a couple on their wedding day, my presence is a commitment to help them live out their vows. I take this so seriously that, if a marriage begins to falter and I do nothing, I consider that a personal failing on my part. In such an instance, I have not borne up my end of the deal. I have not been the Body of Christ to them, and there is a stain on my hands.

Now, I am not legalistic about this. There are times when you attend a wedding as someone’s date and you don’t know the couple at all, and I don’t think you should be faulted for your subsequent lack of involvement in the couple’s life. But I also wonder if this common circumstance should challenge our thinking about weddings as social events. When a close friend gets married and you don’t have a date, is it appropriate to bring someone who does not know the couple, simply to avoid being dateless? Christian weddings are not, after all, like prom.

There is certainly room for more discussion on this aspect of weddings. In the mean time, as the wedding season goes into full swing this year, think carefully about the weddings you attend and what you commit to with your presence. A wedding is more than a lovely formality, but is instead a holy occasion in which a couple, and their community, embark on a journey together.

For those of you who are married, you know that this identity shift is not limited to the name change alone. The idea of marital unity is also a reality that, though instituted on the wedding day, requires living into. It was not something that I necessarily felt right away. Only over time did Ike and I grow into that spiritual unity in a way that was palpable to me. We grew into our new identities as a married couple.

Even the Christian life involves this awkward change. Although salvation is an immediate reality, our unity with God is not something we always feel and it is something that we grow into. We learn how to live in a way that is Christian. Over time we submit more and more of ourselves–our bodies, minds, and spirits–to Him.

Whenever your identity changes, even when it is the best kind of change, it can be very difficult and at times disorienting. I am experiencing another one of those monumental identity shifts right now.

Although I am thrilled to be pregnant, it’s taking a lot of time for this new reality to sink in. I don’t think of myself as a “mommy.” Most of the character traits and personal skills that I have used and cultivated thus far are not maternal ones. I still see myself as relatively independent and very selfish. Right now, my world is still, to a large extent, all about me.

Even when I feel my son kicking inside of me, it is rather surreal. What’s more, my baby still feels like a stranger to me. I don’t know what he looks like or what kind of personality he’ll have. I don’t really know who he is, so it all feels a bit abstract to me.

I wish I was the kind of woman who instantly felt maternal upon becoming pregnant. I wish the identity shift felt more natural, and I wish I could step into it like it is the thing I have been waiting for all my life. But for some reason that hasn’t been my experience.

As a result of this disorientation, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the nature of identity. What I have come to realize is this: While I tend to think of myself a certain way, my identity has actually been rather fluid. I am not the woman I was 10 years ago. And as I’ve already mentioned, my identity underwent major shifts when I become a Christian and when I got married.

And it’s about to change again.

Although change is hard for anyone, part of me wonders if there is a danger in holding too tightly to any identity other than the one we have in Christ. Given the constantly changing nature of our identities, I wonder if an unhealthy attachment to a particular version of ourselves can inhibit God’s work in us. Perhaps He wants to prune something toxic from our identities that keep us from growing. Perhaps He has something better  in store for us. Or perhaps we have clung to some part of our identities so tightly that it has consumed us.

2 Corinthians 4:16 says that we are renewed each and every day. Romans 12:2 exhorts us to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Clearly, the Christian soul is not a stagnant one. We are not saved and then fixed. We are works in progress. We are in constant states of becoming. At all times, God is building and refining and growing us.

Which makes me wonder if my vision of myself is too small and limited and sedentary. Rather than cling to a version of myself that is comfortable and safe, perhaps I need to lean into the change. If God really does want to make me a “new creation,” then that is a radical, radical change! It’s not just some tweaking, but a different, better SELF.

While I don’t think that means that God wants to dispose with the personality traits and affinities He wrote into my being, I do think it means that I shouldn’t get too comfortable where I am. God is in the midst of perfecting me into a glorious being that honors Him, reflects His amazing Son, and testifies to His love. Now THAT is an identity!

My identity may be shifting into mommy-hood, but the above passages of Scriptures lead me to suspect that there is even more at work. God is using this season to make me into a new creation. He is sanctifying me and teaching me and molding me into an even better version of the self I am now. This bigger picture is not only exciting, but it helps to overcomes many of the fears associated with this new season of life.

What a good God we serve, who can use a precious blessing like a child to make us better servants of Him!

One of the most difficult lessons I have learned over the years is that you can’t protect people from themselves. You can offer input and wisdom, you can pray, but beyond those two options there is not much to prevent someone from making a mistake that they have resolved to make.

For anyone who has watched a loved one choose a destructive path, you know how heart-breaking it is. It’s like watching a train wreck. If you have shared Biblical wisdom and it is not heeded, you can only sit and observe the inevitable consequences of their choices.

Destruction is, after all, the natural result of ignoring God’s Word. Scripture is very clear about the fruits of rebellion. Although God does not punish us for disobedience or willful blindness (that punishment was received by Christ on the cross), He has placed us in a world with real repercussions for our actions. To spurn the created order is to do so at our own peril.

We know this, but it doesn’t take away the pain of seeing it happen. When you watch a loved one choose this path, it is devastating.

Of the areas in which I have witnessed this formula for disaster, marriage has to be one of the most common. Whenever a friend or loved one comes to me or Ike seeking counsel in preparation for marriage, or support as they struggle through marriage, we direct them to the hard but crucial principles of Scripture. God’s teachings require much of us but they also promise the goodness of obedience, so that is where we always turn.

Unfortunately, many people find Scriptural directives too hard or inconvenient to swallow. They choose their own way instead. And then we must look on in sadness as they suffer the brokenness of their path.

The Bible warns about the danger of this individualistic path. Proverbs 18:1 explains, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” Proverbs 12:15 adds, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”

Of course good advice is going to be Biblical advice. A godly friend will merely direct you back to the truths of God. Even so, God gave us community as both a form of accountability for our actions, and as a resource for truth. Perhaps your friends have the experience to interpret Scripture in a way you might not have guessed. Or perhaps they simply draw attention to a passage you had previously missed. Regardless of their role, they function as the embodied work of Christ in the world, intervening in your life and helping you to live faithfully, especially when it is hard.

That is why it is so important to be in intentional community NOW before you face one of those hard decisions. Surround yourself with believers who know what is going on in your life and can speak truth into it. You will need them.

And if you are one of those people who currently needs godly counsel for a decision or life change, please PLEASE heed the wisdom of your community. Proverbs is full of warnings such as “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” (14:12) When your community gives you direction, take it seriously, especially when it comes to marriage. With so many marriages failing, we cannot afford to wing it. We need the support of a community to live out our covenant promises in marriage. To ignore this resource is both reckless and foolish.

I say that not as someone who becomes bitter when my advice is ignored, but as someone who deeply loves my friends and family and wants to see them spared the pain of heartache and personal catastrophe. As one Christian to another, I implore you to seek out the kind of community that will help you to live well. And on those days when you don’t like the advice they provide or it seems too hard, pray for courage and strength to heed it anyway. The path of the righteous is always the better way.

“Working on a difficult blogpost for tmrw. Trying to speak truth & grace at the same time is not easy. I’m not sure I have it right yet.”

I love God’s timing, because that tweet articulated exactly what I was feeling that day.

As some of you may have seen, last week I wrote a post for Her.meneutics on cross-gender friendships and marriage. It was a post I had felt led to write for some time, but I had dragged my feet for months. Although the post mentions no one by name, it criticizes particular people and particular perspectives, and as a Christian I never engage in public critique casually. It is something I approach soberly and cautiously, not only because the internet is such a difficult place to communicate clearly, but because we are likely to hurt one another unnecessarily.

Over the last couple months God has been teaching me a lot about courage. He has helped me to understand that if my message never requires courage to speak, then I’m probably not saying very much. Of course that is not an invitation to trample on people’s feelings or make controversial statements in the name of “being brave,” but it certainly challenges me to ask the question, “Who do I fear? God, or other people?”

Sometimes fear of others prevents me from saying something difficult, and that’s when I need courage from God.

Last week was one of those weeks. I spent a lot of time crafting a post, I researched it, had multiple trusted (and knowledgeable) Christians edit and critique it, and then I sent it in to be published.

I pray that God accomplished what He wanted through that post. I pray that God used my words to challenge Christians in their thinking about cross-gender friendships. For those whose friendships are dictated by fear, and for those whose friendships are guided by a dangerous liberty, I hope it spoke to them both.

Now I share all of this with you, not only to give you a glimpse into my thought process for that particular piece, but also to share my thought process as a writer and teacher.

I believe that one of the most important tasks of a Christian teacher is that of being fair to those with whom we disagree. Being “fair and balanced” as the Fox News tagline goes, is an incredibly difficult goal. Like Ed noted in his tweet above, it is a skill that takes time to learn and discipline to achieve. And like Ed, I’m not sure I’m there yet.

The reason this practice is so important for Christians is that it is a matter of truthfulness. Are we representing reality truthfully to the world around us, or speaking in lazy hyperboles that tickle the ears of our sympathizers but do not promote understanding?

At stake here is both the integrity and credibility of our witness. When we fail to represent another fairly, we not only make ourselves into liars, but we undermine any chance at being heard by those who disagree with us. They know we aren’t interested in having a genuine conversation. They know we’re only interested in being right. And in the process, we perpetuate ignorance among our listeners.

That is why it is so important to guard your tongue. Watch what you say about others. Would they agree with your representation of them, or would they feel further alienated by your divisive rhetoric? Are you engaging in a type of language that promotes understanding among believers, or simply affirming people in their righteousness? Ar you opening doors for people to enter the church, or digging trenches to further isolate the people of God?

Of course, even our best attempts at fair representation will not always meet with positive results. Scripture tells us that the wisdom of God is foolishness to humanity, and we need look no farther than Christ to see what this means. Sometimes the truth, even when it is spoken in love, is a hard, counter-cultural word that offends.

Yet this reality does not wash our hands of working hard to love in a manner that feels loving to the world. For me, that means considering the following questions when I represent others in my writing:

1. What are they saying that I can agree with?

2. What are they saying that I need to hear, or that the church needs to hear?

3. What legitimate problem or blind spot in the church are they addressing?

Whenever I disagree with another Christian, I allow these questions to guide my discussion and I try to highlight some of those answers. In doing so, I have done a better job at representing others fairly, but I have also grown in my own faith in the process. It is so easy to make blanket condemnations about feminism or the emerging church without ever asking the question, “Why did these movements develop in the first place? Could they have been calling attention to a real problem in the Body of Christ?” Usually the answer to that second question is yes, but we’ll miss out on noticing our own weaknesses in our urgency to condemn others’.

As I have learned the discipline of speaking the truth in love, there are two people who I have looked to as examples. One I have already mentioned–Ed Stetzer. Ed is a Southern Baptist who manages to be in conversation with EVERYONE. I have worked with Ed in the past, and I was astonished by how widely people of different beliefs and fields respected him. I think his efforts to hear people and represent them fairly is one of the reasons he has such respect.

The other example I look to is Tim Keller. Keller has an uncanny ability to speak very difficult truths in a way that people can hear. He did this masterfully in The Reason for God. He is able to engage his culture lovingly, and I think he does this by genuinely trying to understand the people he reaches. He knows how to speak to them in their language, and they felt heard, understood, and cared for. You can’t put a price on that evangelistic tool.

I hope more Christians will do the hard work of representing others fairly, and I will continue to try and be an example of what this looks like. I know I will fail at times, but I truly believe that Christ calls us to no less. Especially since his message is on the line.

One of the writers I FINALLY got to meet was Amy Julia Becker. You may remember that I’ve featured her here on my blog before. She recently came out with a memoir about her daughter, Penny, who was born with Down Syndrome, and I posted two excerpts from her book last Fall.

Amy Julia’s book has received rave reviews, and even if this is a topic that does not seem immediately relevant to your life, I would still encourage you to check it out. Amy Julia has processed her daughter’s life from a profoundly theological perspective, and the conclusions she has reached are not only powerful, but applicable to us all.

At the conference, I attended a session that Amy Julia presented on the topic of perfection. Upon the birth of her daughter, she began to question whether or not Down Syndrome should be considered a result of the Fall. Would children have been born with Down Syndrome prior to the effects of sin? And even more thought provoking, will people still have Down Syndrome in Heaven?

For a lot of Christians, we answer those questions without even giving them much thought. Of course Down Syndrome would not have existed prior to the Fall, and of course no one will have Down Syndrome in Heaven. …Right?

Amy Julia, on the other hand, challenges this notion by looking at the nature of human limitation. For many of us, it seems natural to think of limitations as a consequence of living in a broken world. Had sin not entered the world, we would not be inhibited by the limitations that make life challenging.

Or would we?

Here Amy Julia points out that humans had limitations long before the Fall. They were needy beings who were dependent on God for both sustenance and spiritual wholeness. They could not function without stopping for food or rest, and they certainly couldn’t live an abundant, joyful life apart from unity with God.

In a state of perfection, Adam and Eve had limitations.

Likewise, Jesus himself had limitations. He too needed food and rest like any other human being. There were also times when he needed comfort from the disciples. He was not an autonomous person without limitations, but a “needy” human being who needed both God and his community.

From these examples, Amy Julia concluded that limitations are not a mark of the Fall. Instead, these examples display what it means to be human. God created us to have limitations because they unite us to Him and to one another. And because these limitations serve to unite us with God, we can fully expect to have limitations in Heaven. We will forever be “needy” beings who can have no true existence apart from the sustaining grace of God.

This re-envisioning of limitations is important for many reasons, one of which is the way it shapes our language about human perfection. For example, Amy Julia noted that during prenatal check-ups it is common to hear ultrasound technicians describe a baby as “perfect.” “Perfect” meaning without flaws and without evident limitations.

But Amy Julia questions this definition of perfection. Is perfection really the absence of flaws? Does perfection really require the absences of those things which make us fallible, ugly, or weak?

Amy Julia argues that this is a worldly definition of perfection, and that we should instead think of perfection as that which makes us whole by bringing us closer to our created design, which is union with God and one another.

Worldly perfection, on the other hand, can actually thwart this design by alienating us from one another as we all strive to be perfect in competition with one another. Worldly perfection also leads us away from God–why would we need God if we’re perfectly perfect without Him?

Christian perfection, however, is not the absence of worldly limitations. Instead it embraces them. Christian perfection means becoming that which God created us to be–in His image–and joined with Him in perfect union.

This understanding of perfection sheds a helpful light on Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 11:30:

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

This verse, and others like it, is a paradigm shift. Although some limitations are certainly the result of sin (such as systemic injustices that keep populations of people in poverty), it is important to remember that we have God-given limitations that are good because they ensure our dependence on Him and on one another.

It is with this understanding of perfection in mind that Amy Julia can look upon her daughter, a child that the world would label “imperfect,” and confidently declare that she is a good and perfect creation. She may not be perfect by worldly standards, and she certainly bears the mark of sin just we all do, but she is also perfect in the sense that God designed her according to His own good plans. What’s more, Penny’s “limitations” not only draw her closer to God and others, but they have a similar effect on her family as well.

In a world that seeks to rid itself of limitations in the quest for perfection, I find this to be a liberating perspective, though it is certainly difficult to live out. I am more inclined to hide my weaknesses than boast in them. Even so, I hope it is a perspective that more Christians will endorse. We are, after all, in the business of glorifying God, not ourselves. A model of humanity that affirms the beauty of limitations is certainly compatible with–and even necessary for–our created end.

“What brings you satisfaction in life?”

That’s a big question that I was not at all prepared for, so I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer. There are, after all, a lot of ways to answer it. After I gave it some thought I realized that the real question, for me, is not what brings me satisfaction, but what takes my satisfaction away.

On the whole, I am very satisfied with my life. God has been oh so good to me and my husband! In addition to all we have in Christ, we have a wonderful marriage, a baby boy on the way, health, security, and so much more. God has been abundantly good to us, and I am beyond satisfied. I am overjoyed!

Yet even with all of those blessings, it’s amazing how quickly my satisfaction can be dampened. And all it takes is the simple act of comparison. All I have to do is compare my body to someone else’s, compare my home to someone else’s, or compare where I am in life to someone else. That’s all it takes, and suddenly the cloud of dissatisfaction settles over my heart.

The truth is that God has already given us all we need to be satisfied. Too often we are the very one’s who take that satisfaction away.

Comparison is a dangerous game with terrible consequences, but recently I have wondered if it is anywhere more dangerous than in marriage. When I compare my marriage, or my husband, to another marriage or another man, I open the door to a host of thoughts that are deadly to my relationship and my family.

The reason comparison is so able to hurt marriage is that it pits the reality of a marriage against the un-reality of some other life. And when reality is competing with fantasy, fantasy always wins. Fantasy will always seem better because it isn’t plagued by the brokenness of everything that makes reality real.

That’s why it’s important to remember that satisfaction begins in the soul. It is an orientation of gratitude toward God. That is not to say that our outward circumstances don’t make satisfaction difficult at times, but it is a reminder that simply changing the things we don’t like about our lives is not the solution. Not a long-lasting one, at least.

Again, comparison can poison just about any good gift that God gives–our bodies, our talents, our families, and our jobs–but I believe it is especially toxic within the context of marriage, so I will end with this final thought:

If you are in a marriage that is extremely dissatisfying to you, please keep your eyes open for comparison, or any other fantasies about the “what ifs” of a better life. Guard your thought life and take those thoughts captive. So many of the messages behind comparison are only lies masquerading as seductive truths. Don’t believe them.

Instead believe in God. Believe in the Redeemer who can renew any broken situation and make it better than it was before before. Believe in God’s control and His good sovereignty as He leads you through seasons that you may not understand. Believe in God’s faithfulness to sustain you when you obey His word.

And on those days when marriage or life is just plain hard and it is tough to believe those things, simply join the father in Mark 9:24 who asked of Jesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.” He will.

In particular, we spent some time reflecting on the main character’s (Don) revelation that “Jesus isn’t like me.” In fact, Jesus isn’t like any of the “bad Christians” that Don encountered in the movie. By this he meant that, as much as Christians are supposed to embody Christ, they fail much of the time. Christians are called to reflect Jesus, but we are poor mirrors at best.

Jesus isn’t like us–because he is infinitely better.

Although this reality does not relieve Christians of the call to follow Jesus and witness to him as best we can (indeed, the power of the church’s witness cannot be overstated!), it does keep things in perspective. It reminds us that Christ, not Christians, is central to the Gospel, and that is a welcome reminder.

I needed that reminder today.

Every morning I start my day by reading over the latest headlines. One of the headlines I encountered this particular morning made my heart hurt. It wasn’t a big story by any means, but it involved a visible politician who is known for wearing Jesus on his sleeve, who did something that isn’t very Jesus-y. I’m sure some Christians wouldn’t even have a problem with what he did, but to me it was a witness-hindering decision. As I read the story I thought, “Why on earth would you do this when you are so vocal about your faith?” I felt so discouraged. Is THIS what people think it means to be a Christian?

It’s so easy to get stuck in that place of discouragement. Whenever un-Christian sound bites make their way into the news, I feel incredibly sad and heavy-hearted. That’s where I found myself this morning.

That is, until I reflected on the dinner conversation with my friends. I remembered that Jesus isn’t like me. He isn’t like that politician either, and that is great news. It is the most important news, in fact.

The fact that Jesus isn’t like us in some fundamental ways–namely, he was perfect in every good thing–is the reason why Jesus MUST be the center of our message. Our story and our mission must be about Jesus from first to last. When we fail to make him the center, then the Gospel message will be compromised to a degree far worse than any bad behavior could inflict. As important as it is to live consistently and faithfully, our job is to tell the watching world, “Look, it’s not really about us.”

It’s not about the politician in the news this morning. It’s not about Tim Tebow or Jeremy Lin. It’s not about Pat Robertson or Kirk Cameron. And it’s certainly not about me. It’s about Jesus.

Putting Jesus at the center keeps us from despairing when his followers misstep. As discouraging as hypocrisy is, our sin serves as the very evidence of WHY we need Jesus in the first place. That politician’s decision is why he needs Jesus. My own inability to obey God is why I need Jesus, and why he came to earth and died.

So while our own sin and the sin of other Christians should grieve us, just as it grieves God, it should also compel us to preach Christ more loudly. He is so much greater than any one of us and our broken attempts at following him. That is why we need him, that is why we love him, and that is why we can persevere in hope even when his followers fail. Because Jesus is not like me in the very best of all possible ways, and I hope you get to know him.

Which is why, as the election season gears up, I want to offer a brief reflection on the importance of kindness. Although kindness is a fruit of the spirit (Gal. 5:22) it doesn’t get much attention. It’s one of those vanilla fruits that we all assume we’re supposed to reflect but we don’t give much thought to. Of course we’re supposed to be kind. Now let’s get to the more interesting stuff like Calvinism!

To me, kindness seems like a rather bland topic, but lately God has been teaching me how truly important yet difficult it is. It requires  a kind of inner fortitude that we Christians rarely praise because I don’t think we recognize it.

You see for me, the reason that kindness is difficult is not because other people are mean and I don’t like being nice to mean people. My desire to be liked can easily overcome that obstacle. Instead, kindness is difficult because I don’t like it when people think I’m stupid.

Merriam-Webster defines “kind” as “loving, gentle, sympathetic, and helpful.” And while those adjectives all sound great in theory, they often require us to look foolish when our pride urges reprisal. Rather than launch a verbal assault on the person who insulted me or spoke condescendingly to me, I am called to respond gently, sincerely, and kindly–a response that, to many people, indicates an inability to respond with equal competence and strength.

Sometimes I think the world looks at Christians with our persistent smiles and insistence on hope and joy, and they assume we don’t know any better. We have brainwashed ourselves, or we are too sheltered from the world, or we simply don’t know how to engage in the rhetorical sparring of higher minds. In short, kindness is interpreted as stupidity. We are simpletons. And that is what challenges me most about kindness.

Of course, being kind does not mean being silent. We can engage in public discourse and articulate our thoughts in both eloquent and kind ways. But following the gospel also means “turning the other cheek” upon being slapped, and “if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” (Matt. 5:39-40) It is a radical kindness that looks like weakness but is actually strength.

Kindness requires perseverance in the face of no appreciation. Kindness is, for that reason, not for the faint of heart. It emanates from a type of strength that the world does not always recognize, and often interprets as foolishness.

We see this truth no more clearly than on the cross. Jesus could have leaped from that cross and silenced his executioners in a moment, using both verbal prowess and supernatural strength. He could have behaved like the worldly king they challenged him to be. Instead, he chose to look foolish for the redemption of the world.

Whether you find yourself engaged in political discussions, dealing with an inconsiderate co-worker, doing life with your family, or faced with a less-than-attentive waiter, remember the strength and power of kindness. To the world it may seem that we just don’t know any better, or that we are too dumb to know we are being insulted. But those opinions appeal solely to personal ego. The only opinion that matters is God’s, and the fruit of His Holy Spirit is kindness.