The One Question to Ask When You Feel Left Out

Sharon Relationships, Social Networking 9 Comments

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A couple years ago I had the privilege of interviewing Ann Voskamp about her then-newly released Advent book, The Greatest Gift. Ann was full of wisdom and truth, but one thing in particular stuck with me.  If you’ve ever visited Ann’s site you know she loves photography, and this is what she had to say about it:

“I love photography because photography really is a metaphor for life. Photography is about the art of subtraction: what are you going to subtract out of the frame, and what are you going to focus on. And that is so much like what Scripture tells us: whatever is good, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and righteous, focus on these things…So my writing and photography is my therapy to shift and change my defaults and change my perspective, to look to see what is good and beautiful, because honestly cynicism and negativity is the easiest.”

It’s funny how God can take a random word or phrase, and then grow it and evolve it in your heart, to the point that it takes on an entirely new form. I love Ann’s takeaway–that how we “frame” our perspective on life can help us to focus on the good instead of the ugly–but God has been doing a new work in my soul, all with this idea: Photography is just as much about what’s in the photo, as what’s not. 

What’s NOT in the photo–that’s the thing God’s been drawing my attention to again and again.

We live in the age of social media. Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter each “frame” our focus, and onto two very specific things:

  1. 1. The best parts of other people’s lives.
  2. 2. The in-groups.

Through social media, we see people’s highlights, and we see their networks (ie. the people they interact with most online). By “framing” our vision this way, social media tempts us to believe two lies:

  1. 1. Everyone has it together except me
  2. 2. I’m the only one left out

This has been a real struggle of mine. Especially the second one. As a writer, it’s easy to focus on the conference I wasn’t invited to speak at, or the article I wasn’t asked to write, or the other writers who don’t acknowledge my work. It leaves me feeling small and unimportant.

But this is the place where Ann’s metaphor has helped me. At some point, I stopped focusing on what I saw, and started focusing on what I didn’t see. I started asking, “What isn’t in the picture?” a question that takes multiple forms:

– When a group of your friends Instagrams a dinner party that you weren’t invited too, you can focus on not being invited, or you can ask, “Who else isn’t in the photo? Were any of my other friends not invited?” Maybe they need you.

– When your friends are given leadership positions at church instead of you, you can focus on your own wounded pride, or you can remember the other committed church members who serve in humble, less visible positions

– When your boss recognizes a co-worker’s hard work instead of yours, you can focus on being unappreciated, or you can honor the other colleagues who work hard but weren’t recognized either.

– When you can’t seem to break into that group of women and become their friends, you can focus on your own exclusion, or look around at the women who were excluded too–and then be a good friend to them.

– And for me personally: when a group of writers are invited to speak at a conference that I wasn’t invited to, I can feel hurt and overlooked. Or, I can affirm and encourage the other writers who weren’t invited, even though they deserved it more than me.

This “framing” is also a helpful lens for thinking about social justice (who is “missing” from places of power and privilege?), but each question is a version of this basic one: “What isn’t in the picture?” Or to put a finer point on it, “WHO isn’t in the picture?” We can get so caught up in our own exclusion, that we forget others were excluded too.

The difference in focus–between looking at who was included, and looking at who was excluded–is the difference between seeing the world as Satan would have you see it, or seeing the world like Christ. Satan wants you to feel isolated and alone, and he wants you to feel paralyzed by that loneliness. Christ, on the other hand, was always looking to the margins. He always had his radar up for the excluded, so that he could go to them. That was his ministry.

As his followers, the same is true for us. Satan wants you to focus on the included–and to STRIVE after inclusion, no less–so that you won’t minister to the excluded. If he can keep you focused on the included–or on trying to be included, or on STAYING included–then he can keep you from your calling.

That’s why this question is so important: Who isn’t in the picture? Who was left out, like you? Or even, who was left out instead of you? The answer to those questions is not just a perspective changer. It might also be your calling.

Screen Shot 2013-10-01 at 9.59.09 PMSharon

Sharon

Sharon

Comments 9

  1. Jeannie

    I really appreciate your post today. The “frame” metaphor relates directly to something a friend was saying to me about accepting tough situations and trying to reframe them in a way that allows us to move forward and encourage others in the process. So your post is right in line with that. Thank you.

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  2. Emily Lofgren

    Great point! Thinking about who else isn’t in the picture seems like a game changer! In times when I’m not included in something, I count it a blessing because it means one less thing I need to find a way to balance in my already full schedule. I don’t always feel joyful about it, but recognizing that I already have a lot going on in my life helps me to put things into perspective.

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  3. Nathana

    This really resounded with me! Thank you! There is a quote that has always stuck with me. It says change your perspective and you change your world. The way we choose to look at things so important in determining how we see things and internalize them.

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  4. janeanthorne

    I appreciated this post because it is nice to know that I’m not the only one who has struggled with this. There was one point not long ago I was feeling low about being left out and God specifically showed me women that He wanted me to offer my friendship to. If I had sat around and waited to be part of the certain groups, I would’ve only been waiting to feed my pride instead of focusing on the fellowship and discipleship that edifies church body. Also, I’ve also learned the friendships can come and go with seasons, but true sisterhood can transcend social activities and there are women in my life that although we aren’t always able to spend time with each other, we still faithfully hold each other up in prayer and in thought. When the day does come for some time with them,it’s always picking up right where we left off.

  5. sarah

    recently I heard that voice say to sit and talk with someone else at church but like many i get in my comfort space and think maybe next week. I was already in a sad state of mind that day well I got caught up in a situation where everyone at our table was invited to something but us! Had I listened to that voice in the first place I wouldn’t have felt so invisible. I would’ve been in the right conversation with someone who could offer advise and prayer to my current situation. My daughter is 9 and shes changing and growing up that is sometimes hard to watch as a mom! Just a small reminder to listen to the voice and that God knows what I need when I need it!

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