As I continue my “Best of She Worships” week I thought I’d include a blog that is in the top 5 for one reason alone: It’s one of the most frequently googled questions that brings people to my blog. This is a big issue for single women who are wrestling with their futures, so I hope it can speak truth and encouragement into your heart if that’s where you find yourself now. And if you’re not one of those women, I urge you to be compassionate. Singleness can be a gift, but it can also be a challenge.
As a single woman, I remember going to Christian concerts or conferences or seminars in which I would watch a young, good looking guy on stage who seemed so in love with the Lord, and so passionate and articulate about his faith, that it made my heart flutter. THAT was the guy for me!
I just knew we were supposed to get married, and I day-dreamed about the way that we would meet–maybe he would see me across the lobby later on that night, be captivated by my beauty and just HAVE to talk to me. Or, he would see me in the audience, and I would look so worshipful and in love with God that he would know we were meant to be together. He’d never seen anyone look so beautiful as she worshiped God!
And we’d get married and travel the world together telling people about Jesus–maybe he would lead worship, and then I would be the main speaker at arena events. Kind of a Chris Tomlin-Beth Moore combo.That is how I knew my life would play out. That is, until I made the horrible discovery. I looked down at his hand, and there it was–a wedding ring.
My entire life plans were crushed in an instant.
As a result of experiences such as these, I frequently found myself asking, “Why are all the godly men already married?” I figured that there must have been some sort of fire sale while I was in college, and if you didn’t snatch up your husband then, the supply ran out. All that was left were the guys that nobody else wanted.
As a single woman, it’s very easy to feel this way, and to such an extent that it feels VERY real. In my more sane moments I knew that there were, in fact, plenty of solid, single Christian guys around, but it was on the lonely days that I genuinely feared there weren’t any left.
So in the face of this fear, on those days when it seems as though all the godly men have gone off and gotten married, leaving an over-abundance of single gals behind, how are women to respond?The first is to open your eyes and look around you. Maybe you don’t know any Chris Tomlin types, and maybe all the pastors at your church are married, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any godly, single men left. Being godly does not equal being on stage.
I have single guy friends who serve in the youth ministry, the college ministry, the children’s ministry, the new members ministry, organizing mission trips, and teaching Sunday school classes. Their jobs may be less visible, but their commitment to serve, even when it’s not glamorous, says a great deal about their character.
So on behalf of all my single guy friends who are totally on fire for the Lord, I’ve gotta give a shout out to them. Ladies, they are definitely out there, and they are DEFINITELY worth waiting for.
But the second thing you need to consider in the face of this fear is its root. Where is the fear coming from? To become so afraid of something that you begin to think irrationally is a clear indicator of a spiritual issue. Even if you are not controlled by this fear, even if you have only had this thought in passing, you need to take a good, hard look at it.What does this fear say about your belief that God is in control? Are you afraid that God wanted to provide you with a husband, but accidentally ran out of men? Does God only reward those women who go out and hunt for a husband early on? Or another thought I had as a young woman–was I not pretty enough to get married straight out of college?
All of these questions, and there are many more, are rooted in lies and misconceptions about God, and ourselves. We are not trusting that God will provide, and we are wondering if there is something inherently wrong with us. The fear that “all the godly men are married” is just a symptom of this spiritual confusion.
So if you find yourself asking this question, stop yourself and instead reflect upon why you are asking it. No, all the godly men are not married, and even if you don’t know a single Christian man in your entire city, if God wants you to get married then He is certainly capable of making that happen. After all, He pulled a rib out of Adam’s side to give him a mate, so I think God can handle your love life.
So the main question is whether you are being fulfilled in Christ NOW. As long as you allow that void in your heart to dwell, then those fears will continue to creep in on you. But if you fill that void with Christ, then those fears will have no foothold. You will simply have nothing to fear.
*And for further reading on this topic, check out Exodus, and the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. Both are stories of scarcity, and God’s over-abundant provision in response. It is a good reminder about the character of the God who created you.