Sleeping Over: The Latest Trend in Christian Sketchiness

Sharon Dating, Marriage, Purity, Self-control, Sex 37 Comments

I published the following post about a year ago and I have received a lot of feedback from it since! Because this practice is so prevalent among Christians today, numerous individuals have asked me about how to deal with with it. I felt it would be beneficial to post it again for my new readers.

I originally posted this in two parts, so I will do the same now. I would also like to introduce these posts with a verse that I recently realized has great relevance to the issue at hand. Keep this question in mind as you read:

Can a man scoop fire into his lap, without his clothes being burned? – Proverbs 6:27

Additionally, I have since written an update to this and its accompanying post, which you can read here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space. πŸ™‚

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Comments 37

  1. Dee

    Hey great info. i just want to ask you how about if he or she is spending the night over and were in two seperate rooms and were not having sex is that ok then? thanks

  2. Paul

    Hey.

    So my girlfriend and I “cuddle” and sometimes fall asleep, but I always set the alarm so that at 2:00am I leave.

    That way we never spend the whole night, and we are still able to cuddle.

    Is this OK?

    What if I were to stay the night in a separate room.
    Of course we are saving ourselves for marriage.

    God Bless

    Paul

  3. Post
    Author
    Sharon

    Dee and Paul, thanks for your questions! At this point it would be really easy to get legalistic about this and start making rules. For instance, if it’s a holiday and you’re visiting your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family and they have a guest bedroom for you to stay in, I think it’s fine to sleep in the same house as them. I am very wary of creating a ton of different stipulations about this question–we stray into the territory of the Pharisees when we do.

    Jesus was more concerned with the heart than with specific rules. That means that the real question is “What is your motivation?” Is your motivation to get away with as much as you can without actually sleeping together? Is your motivation to guard the purity of your brother and sister in Christ to the utmost so that you can stand blameless before God? Is your motivation to guard your relationships against the temptation to stumble in a moment of weakness?

    The way in which you answer these questions will have a direct impact on your actions.

    Finally, the following 4 question are great for diagnosing the wisdom of Christian behavior in a non-legalistic way, so I would consider these as you navigate the physical side of dating:

    1. Can I do this? What does the Bible say? (For instance, are you engaging in anything sexually immoral, or tempting yourself towards it?)

    2. Should I do this? What does my conscience tell me is wise? (You may not be doing something explicitly condemned as wrong, but is it wise? Is it beneficial?)

    3. What does my weakness require? (What is my greatest temptation? If I have struggled with sexual immorality in the past, how can I guard against it now?)

    3. What does my brother or sister in Christ need? (Sister, are you tempting your brother to stumble by the way you are dressed when he comes over to your place at night? Brother, are you taking advantage of a woman’s need for affection in order to push the boundaries of a physical relationship?)

    Hope those are helpful!

  4. Jasi

    Hiya!

    I have been having problem with this. Here’s my version. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and some months and I am usually at his most of the time. I am not over because I want to, but as matter of convenience – I am final year student and have to be in university more often than not. His place is directly in front of University, while mine is on the other side of town sort of. The only time I am not in University is when I am asleep. We are both Christians, and we love and respect the the Lord.

    My question is this, up till yesterday when I read this, I didn’t know that it wasn’t ok to share the same bed because we don’t do anything except sleep. But now I know that it may not be wise. Is my moving to the couch or floor, help in honouring God more?

  5. Beth

    I am personally not convicted about this. Does that mean I should still stop? Honestly, even after reading your blog in addition to many others about this topic (at the suggestion of a friend), I don’t feel I am doing anything wrong. I always believed that if the Bible doesn’t mention it, it is up to your personal convictions.

    For instance, some people are convicted about smoking cigarettes, but that doesn’t mean they should yell at their friends for doing the same.

    I guess I’m just confused because I’m hearing conflicting things from my heart and my brothers and sisters in Christ. I’ve always thought I should listen to the convictions of my heart.

    1. tsw

      The scripture and advice posted are great. Also while it is true that you may not be tempted or convicted in anyway by this you want to make sure the other person isn’t either. Honestly I was in a situation where I was questioning where I should be going physically in my relationship. Fortunantly the guy was and is a total gentleman and didn’t push any boundaries or engage in things that could be questionable for me.. this gave me time to sort out were I stood on a gray area. Had he assumed I was okay with certain things and initiated those things I would more than likely would have went along with it and regretted it later. Once you pass boundaries its hard to go back.

      Again as the article States , there may be other people looking to you as a guide. You may be able to share a bed with an SO and not think anything of it but they may do it…because they see you are…and they end up compromising. Basically we need to be mindful of the example we set and we are representing Christ in a world that is looking for a reason to call you a hypocrite.

  6. Post
    Author
    Sharon

    Beth those are great questions! And I’m glad you are using Scripture as a guide! That said, Jeremiah 17:9 is an important verse for thinking about the concept of “using your heart as a guide.” It tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things.” As Christians, this verse is a sobering reminder that our hearts can mislead us, which is why God gave us the church. Christian community is an ESSENTIAL part of discerning God’s will, so if most of your Christian friends are warning you against a particular practice, there’s a good chance the Holy Spirit is using them to help you.

    1. MillzR

      If we don’t use our heart as a guide but instead depend on what other people tell us, then we are no longer individuals in God’s image but slaves to ‘christian society’ instead of normal society.

      The bible tell us that we should not judge each other by our own standards as we each have differing levels of faith and thus know when we fall into the falls of temptation and failing to glorify God with our bodies and hearts (Romans 14:4 “Who are you to condemn God’s servants? They are responsible to the Lord, so let him tell them whether they are right or wrong. The Lord’s power will help them do as they should”)

      Therefore do not judge people by your personal conviction but by God’s convictions. He is the ultimate guide and judge.

  7. Tim

    Great post and great answers to questions here, Sharon. There is always that thought “It must be OK if it feels so right” that we need to wrestle with, isn’t there? In addition to the Jeremiah passage you cite, I think Paul guides us in the same area when he says “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5.)

    This idea of physical intimacy is, I think, also related to the spiritual intimacy that can come from praying with someone we are dating. I’m not suggesting one should never pray with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but that just as with physical activity there are degrees of spiritual intimacy and they can affect each other. I first started thinking about this years ago whendoing youth ministry and another youth worker friend told me that there might be danger in high school couples praying together. We got to talking about it, and I think there is much truth in it. Saying grace over a meal together is one thing. Praying quietly together in that sort of private intimate setting that husbands and wives share is another. It’s not that unmarried couples should not enjoy a rich prayer life together, but if they are doing so I think it is wisest to make sure it is in a relationship that is heading toward lifetime commitment and not just casual dating.

    Spiritual intimacy is very real, and can lead to physical intimacy as well. After all, our physical and spiritual lives are not really separable are they?

    Thanks for another thought-provoking post, Sharon!

    Tim

  8. Mel

    Me & my partner having been in relationship for 2 years as non Christians
    3 months ago decide Turn to god.
    We have gone down the route of not living together & no sex before marriage . We are no both back at each others parents .are we aloud to stay in the same bed ??? Imreally struggling at the moment

  9. Post
    Author
    Sharon

    Haha! The point about Ruth and Boaz is an interesting one to raise but it’s important to consider the larger context. While scholars lack consensus about what this action would have signified (some argue it was a cultural practice at the time) a larger number seem to feel that this was Naomi’s way of controlling the situation. Notice that it was not Ruth’s idea–she simply acted in submission to her mother-in-law. What’s more, she remained at the foot of Boaz’s bed all night and he didn’t touch her.

    All of that to say, the issue here is not about legalism–you can come up with exceptions all day long–but the real issue is blamelessness. In the case of Ruth, I think she behaved blamelessly given the situation she was forced into, and Boaz responded nobly in the face of a strange circumstance, but the story is not necessarily a prescription for Christian behavior. The only thing prescriptive about it, I believe, is their desire to honor their elders and one another.

  10. Meghan

    Very interesting article!

    I’ve been at the place that you mentioned, where you feel okay because you’re not doing the actual deed but everything up until that point seems like a grey area.

    Now my boyfriend and I (of 3 years) are trying to be better and not put ourselves in tempting positions and not blur any lines. However, we are in a bit of a long distance relationship and when he comes to visit me in University, the only place he really can stay is my room (unless he stays with another one of my girlfriends, equally iffy). We had been sharing a bed (yet saving sex for marriage), but I’ve been starting to wonder whether that is okay. I thought one of us could sleep on the floor next to the bed, but some of the reasons you mentioned (being a witness to friends) still seem violated if he’s staying in my room and others see him leaving my room. I still want him to be able to visit me and not be setting a bad example. How do you think I could accomplish this?

    Thanks!

  11. Becky

    Hey, so I came on here to ask some questions because I need some help. I live in a apartment with two other girls and today one of them got her aunt to come over and discuss my boyfriend spending the night all the time. I pay rent and everything so I felt that I was unjustly yelled at by one of the girls aunts that had nothing to do with the situation. They said he was living here but he just stays the night because his clothes and what not are at his house. Well I told my mom what happened but not about how they’re mad because he stays the night….and I want to tell but I know I will get in so much trouble. Right now my mom is on my side but I’m afraid when she finds out he’s been staying then she won’t be anymore. Plus I feel like God hates me now because of me letting him sleep over and this is His way of giving me my consequences for my sin. Any advice? πŸ™

  12. Post
    Author
    Sharon

    Yikes, Becky! That is a difficult situation, but let me first reassure you that God does NOT hate you. Yes, there are consequences for our decisions, but God isn’t out to get you or humiliate you just to teach you a lesson.

    There are a number of issues going on in your situation and I don’t have all the info, so it is sort of tough to comment. That said, I’ll offer some tentative thoughts.

    First, did your roommate talk to you about your boyfriend staying over before she asked her aunt to intervene? I ask that first because having a roommate is such a delicate relationship, and while paying rent does earn you a say in how you live, it’s important to establish an agreement about rules for the apartment so that everyone feels comfortable. It sounds like your roommate was uncomfortable, and that should be a conversation between the two of you.

    That said, I don’t think she handled things the right way, especially if you have no relationship with her aunt. If this was an issue that she came to you about repeatedly and you ignored her requests, then it would have been fair (and Scriptural) for her to bring a third, neutral party in to help mediate. But that isn’t what she did. She brought in a family member (who is, by definition, not neutral) and is therefore more likely to side with her and make you feel cornered. That is not the way to resolve conflict. That is more like intimidation.

    All of that mishandling aside, you need to think seriously about what you believe about your boyfriend sleeping over. While it’s important to respect your roommate and your mom, you shouldn’t feel guilty unless there is a part of you that thinks you have done something wrong. If you don’t, then you need to be able to explain that to your mom and roommate, and in a manner that goes beyond “I pay rent and this is what I want to do.” If your roommate feels uncomfortable and your mom would be disappointed, then those are legitimate concerns that deserve a thoughtful and sensitive response. If, on the other hand, you are taking this situation hard because there is a part of you that does feel it’s wrong, then try to set all the drama aside and get real with yourself, and with God. Don’t let your feelings about what your roommate did cloud your thought process about the wisdom of letting your boyfriend sleep over. They are two very separate issues.

    Conflict is SO difficult and uncomfortable and I’m sorry you’re in a mess of sorts, but the best path out of it is honesty, sincerity, and integrity. Feel free to communicate (gently) to your roommate that you felt she mishandled the conflict, but don’t expect her to listen to you unless you are prepared to listen to her as well. Take her concerns seriously, especially since your place is her home too, and it CAN be awkward when there is a guy around and she just wants to veg out in her pj’s (just as an example).

    And with your mom, honesty is definitely the best option. I don’t know your mom but hopefully she is a woman of wisdom and understanding. It is not fair to deceive her by telling her half the truth so that she will side with you, but I would guess that, if she’s a reasonable person, she’ll still be able to separate out her feelings about your boyfriend staying over from the way your roommate responded. And hopefully she can give you good advice for the future.

    Again, since I don’t know all the details or the people involved, I can only guess at some of this, but the main thing is to respond with maturity, patience, honesty and integrity. Those are the only elements that can actually work healing and restoration in a situation like this. Blessings and best of luck!

  13. Alex

    You are completely and utterly wrong.

    Fornication refers to sex with temple prostitutes. The Greek root word means Harlot.

    There is no grounds to consider that seriously dating couples could not or cannot share a bed and hug.

    It shows that they are serious about one another and helps them connect.

    Your view is not backed up by any part of scripture and it is not a central concern in christianity.

    Alex

  14. Alex

    1: Why would anyone assume two people are having sex together when they are sharing a room? You can have sex in any location. People can do any number of activities in a room day or night.

    2: You are not a bad witness by showing a loving committed relationship.

    3: Sex before marriage is not forbidden by scripture, Fornication is, but fornication is to do with prostitution and idols.

    4: The boundary ONLY exists where you have made an Oath of Marriage to your husband or wife. This Oath is what God cares about. Not whether you had sex before it.

    5: If you restrict intimacy, you will likely destroy a perfectly good relationship.

    Alex

  15. Post
    Author
    Sharon

    Alex, a couple thoughts. First, I don’t know where your reading of “fornication” comes from, but it is incorrect. I say this with all due respect, but no serious Bible scholar would back that interpretation.

    Two, this is not “my” interpretation of those passages. It is the Church’s. The whole of Christian tradition reads Scripture as forbidding sex outside of marriage, and this is an interpretation that transcends both time and culture.

    And finally, the idea that sex before marriage “helps a couple connect” is true in one sense. However, that connection outside the bonds of marriage has been shown to corrode future attempts at marriage, not help them. I believe the book “The Case for Marriage” (not written by a Christian, but a sociologist) has more info on that. But the idea that all forms of intimacy are beneficial to a couple no matter the circumstances has been shown, scientifically, to be untrue. Biblically speaking, God warns against the very same.

  16. Sara

    Ok. My boyfriend and I have been in a sexual relationship for the past 4 1/2 years. I wasn’t raised to do so and felt convicted to my knees and repented for my actions. I have since talked with my now fiance about my desire to revert to being celibate until marriage since we decided we would be married within a year. While he is not a happy camper (understandably), he is willing to try for my sake. He is a new Christian and thinks I’m going too far with religion but again, is willing to try. I understand where he’s comming from since we’ve been sexually active for the past 4 yrs. It’s my fault for not standing on what I’ve been taught from the beginning. Also, I understand since he’s from a comletely different cultural background and is mostly a “blank slate” when it comes to Christianity. He only knows what I’ve taught him pretty much. Is there a way we can continue to work on our relationship with each other in our current spot while working on our relaionship with God? I have been very stressed for the past few weeks about this not to mention the past few months in going through with my family. I was brought up in an extremely strict Christian home and the way my mother has treated him has made it very diffucult for him to accept Christianity. I kept trying to tell my mother we were not drawn to Jesus by Him treating us so mean, but by loving kindness he drew us. Of cocurse this is to no avail, but I am even more stressed out because I feel caught in the middle of my love for my family and the one I am going to marry. It feels like my mom is trying to impose an “if you really love God, you will only do as I dicate and love who i tell you”. THe sad part is, my fiance still asks about them and only asks to ell them hello. As long time, strict Chrsitians, shouldn’t it be the other way around? There are so many issues here, I’m losing my mind. I could write so much more on both subjects, but I can’t see clearly due to my constant flow of tears.

  17. lee

    hey,
    So i have always been celibate, and have kept away from dating around, it’s been a long and lonely road sometimes. I’m 25, and have recently started dating a man who i can picture my life with. He lives over an hour away though, so when i/he visits him/me, we will sleep over. Neither of us have a spare bed, so we share.
    really.. i’ve lived a pure, respectful life, and it’s just hard for me to take head to this post. Obviously i’m questioning things, as i’m reading this.. but surely God would be my judge, and i’m still seeking His face…

  18. Chimwemwe

    this is a great n TRUE text. we should remember that whatever we do is for the glory of God and not about us.that way we will focus our eyes on him n not how close we can get to the line leading to sin

  19. Joy

    Great article! I have one question…if I am hanging out at my boyfriend’s house and it’s really late and we are both tired…there are times when it would be safer for me to stay the night than for him to drive me home. Is it okay then if I stay the night on the floor in his room, of the sake of him having other roommates too?

  20. lorraine telford

    what would you suggest if it was a couple who have had a baby together already engaged but you never allowed them to sleep together they ,oved out to do it yet they want to stay in the same room in your home when they visit and you are godlt parents . what then do you do so as not to make them feel judged .

  21. Janelle

    I want to ask..Should your fiance share a bed with a person of the opposite sex even just as friends. ..This happened to my daughter and my hubby and I told the fiance that he dishonored God and my daughter even if only unconscience cuddle happened…please help

  22. AM

    Thanks for speaking the truth. In a day and age where everything is “have it your way,” this is refreshing and needed.

    I tried to have this conversation recently with some overnight guests close to us (a young engaged couple) and I find it sad that Christians would assume that at a fellow believer’s home, this is acceptable. I have learned the hard way, through my own past sin, why the marriage bed should be kept sacred and wanted to do my best to honor God through our hospitality.

    It was a hard conversation and I was surprised to face opposition from family, including my own husband. But I learned all one can do is speak the truth, share one’s testimony and leave the rest to God.

    Thanks again for keeping it real. This is encouraging.

  23. Fiona

    Thank you for writing this. I have lived with a a few Christian girls for the last couple of years and this grey area of their boyfriends sleeping over was really concerning for me. As far as I know they were just sleeping or cuddling but we shouldn’t give people room to suspect the other possibility. We were also living with one non-Christian so this was particularly concerning to me as to how it affected our witness to her. It also made me uncomfortable living in my own flat for example not feeling able to go to shower in just a towel or dressing gown in case I came across one of our male guests in the morning. I chose not to live with guys.

    On the other hand I have had some very refreshing conversations with guys in my church who refuse to stay over. One had to explain to his girlfriend that it wasn’t that he wanted to leave (she was a bit miffed!) he just wanted to honour her. Another booked a taxi after missing the last train because they refused to stay over.

    Relationship sermons seem to only be about sex. There needs to be more teaching about the grey areas and blog posts like this will help us think about these issues that aren’t being covered in the pulpit. Thank you.

  24. Me

    “And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop.”
    Even the bible doesn’t impose like that. Extreme and dogmatic view.

  25. Sade Anderson

    So I am 19 and have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now and he lives in another state. My parents are pentacostal and I asked them even though we don’t have a spare bedroom would it be okay if he slept in the living room on the couch or floor. Both of them stated it was not a Christian thing to do to invite my boyfriend into the home for one night even though he would be in a seperate room than I. My mother called it shacking up and my father just said no and I want to know if Christianity says that is wrong to invite your daughter’s boyfriend to spend the night in a seperate room in the home and if that is sin against being a Christian or being against God as they call it.

  26. Khristin Lashae Isley

    I am trying to become intimate with god and I am currently in the position where we use to sleep together and have sexuaky inter course but now we’ve decided to be celibate until marriage because we realize we can’t say we’re Christians knowing we’re sinning and knowing it’s wrong. I’m out of college and he has one year left and we’ve talked about me staying over and I said I don’t think we should sleep in the same bed but he said otherwise. I was wondering couldbu help and give me advice

  27. nik

    My question is this. IS IT WRONG TO SLEEP OVER IN THE SAME HOUSE BUT NOT IN THE BED TOGETHER…JUST UNDER THE SAME ROOF?

  28. Allison

    I disagree with this article.
    I can share a bed with my boyfriend to watch movies and cuddle and with our boundaries, have no lines crossed and honor God with our love and respect for each other, we are waiting till marriage, but the bed is not something we feel is designated for married couples, I understand temptation, but two Christians who love each other, will withstand it for the future.

    I haven’t slept overnight with my boyfriend, but I wouldn’t see anything wrong with it, if we did. God is pleased with our relationship. We refrain from any and all sexual acts. So bottom line your theory that you give in when your intimate in bed with someone is not always the case, “true” Christians don’t see how far they can go, they run from sin

  29. zip

    I find it amazing that no one on these comments has mentioned how their future spouse will feel when they go on their honeymoon knowing that the other person has had all the intimacy in the world except actual sex. We’ve lost focus on the point… the whole procedure… sleeping, having sex, kissing, laying down… its all meant to be in marriage. Do you really want to think of your spouse waking up in the arms of their highschool girlfriend/boyfriend (especially if you held out on that subject).

    Do yourself, and others a favor, and try to think of your future spouse and their feelings.

  30. Marie

    Hi Sharon,

    My boyfriend and I are both Christians, and we live in a major city. I am 27, my boyfriend is 30, and we both have corporate careers that require long hours and lots of travel.

    For my job, I am required to be on the far West side of the city on some days (near where I live), and some days I am required to work downtown (where my boyfriend lives). On the days that I work downtown, I usually stay at my boyfriend’s apartment downtown the night before so I can avoid the hour long commute in the morning. We are NOT having sex. We are waiting for marriage. Also, when we hang out late at night, I don’t have to drive an hour home when I am tired. (I had a Christian friend die in a car accident driving home late at night earlier this year. I think it is a safe decision.)

    If we lived closer, I would definitely stay at my own house, but it doesn’t make logistical sense to constantly commute back-and-forth when we live in a massive city. We do not mention that I spend the night at his place to our Christian friends, because I feel guilty of the “appearance.”

    What are your thoughts?

    Marie

  31. Segun

    Sharon, you are blessed, God is sure speaking through you, you dealt with this subject well. Keep up the good work

  32. Alyssa

    My fiance and I have been doing this and after reading this I have decided we shouldn’t anymore. How do I tell him this? And now that I relize that I have sinned big time, how do I get passed it? Please help me.

    – Alyssa

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