Soon after Ike and I got engaged my dad presented us with two books: His Needs Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley, and The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I had already read parts of The Five Love Languages, so we decided to start with His Needs Her Needs (which we really enjoyed and I highly recommend!). Only last week did Ike and I crack open The Five Love Languages and read it cover to cover.

In case you’re unfamiliar with this classic book on marriage, it is founded on the premise that there are five primary ways to express and receive love from others: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Although most of us like to show and receive love in all five “languages,” most individuals gravitate toward one in particular. For instance, my primary love language is words of affirmation, which means that I feel most loved when Ike affirms me verbally. It also means that I am most likely to show him love by affirming him.

However, your spouse is likely to have a different love language than you, so the key is to discover one another’s love languages and express love to them according to their own inclination. My husband, for example, is a big quality time guy, so as much as I praise him and affirm him it doesn’t mean quite as much as my time and attention.

I knew all of this prior to reading the book, but upon reading it this week I made an interesting realization: Before getting married, I had diagnosed my primary love language incorrectly. As I already mentioned, I had read parts of the book before and I was very familiar with the categories. My misdiagnosis had nothing to do with a misunderstanding of the terms. Instead, I had misunderstood myself.

You see, when I was dating Ike I felt very frustrated in the “physical touch” department. I had concluded, mistakenly, that my primary love language was physical touch because it felt like the most passionate expression of my love. It also came easiest. And so I felt incredibly frustrated. Since Ike and I were committed to keeping our relationship pure, there were certain lines we could not cross. As a result, I was discouraged that I could not express love to Ike in the way that, I thought, came most natural to me.

Two years later, I now see that physical touch is NOT my love language. Of course, one glance at my platonic friendships would have made this truth painfully clear. I am not a hugger. Hugging people does not come naturally to me. It’s a learned discipline that I have picked up over time because it’s such a wonderful expression of hospitality. But it’s not my comfort zone. I have also never been the girl who likes to braid other girls’ hair or sit real close to people. Don’t get me wrong, I love when Ike holds my hand and I love sitting close to him on the couch. But is it my primary love language? Definitely not.

It turns out that what I thought was an inclination toward physical touch was instead physical attraction. Lust, as you may have noticed, is not one of the five love languages, but it is easy to confuse with physical touch.

I share all of this as a piece of retrospective insight to my readers who are currently in dating relationships. Whether or not you gravitate towards the love language of physical touch, I hope you can avoid making the same mistake I did by confusing the emotional exhilaration of physical attraction with a studied understanding of love and communication, or an honest assessment of yourself.

In addition to that point, I want to close with a lesson my dad shared with me when he gave me the book. Not only did he find it helpful for his marriage with my mom, but he also felt that the five love languages are a reflection of the five ways Jesus loved others. Jesus spoke words of love and affirmation to his disciples; he spent quality time with his followers, eating with them and listening to their hearts; he served his disciples by washing their feet and ultimately dying for their sins; he presented his followers with the gift of his presence; and lastly, he touched the untouchables.

My dad was right. Jesus exemplified all five love languages, which means we are to do the same. It also means that while these five love languages are typically discussed within the context of romance, we should also love our neighbors and our enemies according to the breadth of these five, just as Christ did. For Christians who are single, dating or married, that is a wonderful challenge for us all!

This week I will be celebrating my husband’s birthday. On Wednesday he will turn 26. I, on the other hand, am 29. And I turn 30 in March.

To be perfectly honest, I was very insecure about our age difference for a long time. In fact, I avoided the topic for the first several months that we dated. I felt so weird about it, plus I always thought I would marry someone older. The age difference consequently led me to drag my feet for quite awhile.

But eventually Ike won me over with his character. There was nothing about his maturity or wisdom that indicated he was any younger. He consistently impressed me and cared for me with excellence. Throughout the course of our dating relationship, he conducted himself like a total gentleman.

Eventually, my hang-ups about the age difference began to seem silly. After all, if Demi Moore could do it why not me? KIDDING! But seriously, for all the times I had heard that women date older men because women mature much faster, Ike broke the mold. He was more mature than a lot of women I knew.

As a result of my own experience, I came up with a tongue-in-cheek rule that I have started telling my single friends: Most guys are about as mature as they’re going to become by the time they reach the age of 24. If they haven’t matured by that point, then they probably won’t mature a WHOLE lot more. That’s why some 25 year-old men act like wise-beyond-their-years adults, while some 35 year-old men act like middle-schoolers.

Now please don’t take the above “rule” too seriously. I say it mostly in jest. But there is also some truth to it. At a time when women in the church outnumber men by a ratio of 3 to 2, women are too quick to rule out younger men because of preconceived notions about age difference. What women should instead look for is godliness, wisdom, and responsibility.

However, the burden is not on women alone. To my single guy readers, don’t be afraid to ask out a woman if she is older. I have a cousin who is the same age as me, and she recently married a man 4 years younger. Another one of my friends is in an amazing relationship with a man 3 years younger. If you act like a man, women will treat you like one.

I would also encourage you to consider older women for the same reason that women like older men: there can be a real difference in maturity. I am certainly a different woman than I was 5 years ago, and my husband has benefited from that growth. Our relationship would have probably been rockier had we met when I was younger. Of course women mature at different rates, as do men, but it is certainly something to consider. Plus, all my husband’s friends think he’s a total STUD for marrying an older woman! (Ok I promise that’s my last terrible argument for the day)

All of that to say, I didn’t marry a younger man because he is younger. Age really had nothing to do with it. I married him because he loves Jesus and he makes me a better woman, as well as a stronger follower of Christ. He is good and kind and smart and strong, and on this week of his birthday I praise God that he was born…no matter what year it was.

Last night Ike and I got to have dinner with one of our single guy friends, and over the course of the meal the conversation drifted to the topic of dating. I’ve only been married a year so I remember the ups and downs of the dating world well. Over the years I’ve had my share of break-ups, and I’ve also comforted a lot of broken-hearted friends. It’s definitely tough out there, and unfortunately “Christian” dating is not tremendously easier than any other kind.

Aside from the fact that we’re all imperfect human beings struggling to think clearly when our emotions are raging, it’s hard to pinpoint the one thing that makes dating so hard. To be sure, there are a lot of different factors in any given situation that can trip people up. But the more I think about it and the more I process my own experiences, it’s clear that one of the main contributors to dating speed bumps and train wrecks is sheer cowardice.

Just think about it–how often do men creep into a relationship slowly and confusingly instead of stating their intentions clearly? How often do women lie to men or coldly reject their advances, instead of gently and clearly explaining that they just want to be friends? How many men and women delay a difficult conversation because they like the attention they’re receiving, even if they have no intention of actually dating their pursuer? And how many men and women don’t have the guts to break up with their boyfriends or girlfriends, so they stop returning phone calls and try to gradually fade out?

There are so many ways that cowardice rears its ugly head in dating relationships. We don’t often recognize it as fear because it’s usually masked as “compassion”–we don’t want to hurt the person. Unfortunately our cowardice only ends up hurting them more. It’s a double insult: on top of rejection there is now disrespect.

It’s important to own up to this cowardice, but the language we use about dating often inhibits personal responsibility. It is instead common to speak in generalizations: “All men are dogs” or “All women are crazy” or “I’m always the friend but never the girlfriend or boyfriend.” This language has got to stop. It’s neither accurate nor Scriptural. All of us, at some time or another, has screwed up in some magnificent way along the dating path. So when we’re tempted to place blame on the opposite sex for being particularly confusing or ridiculous, Jesus’ words in Matthew 7 are a helpful directive:

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (v. 3-5)

Like the rest of the Christian life, it’s easy to focus on how we’ve been wronged while overlooking the many times we have wronged others. Dating is no exception. So with that in mind, the rest of what I’m going to say is directed specifically at women and it deals with your personal responsibility in dating. Many of us have been injured, but we have also inflicted injury, and we need to be honest about that fact.

So to begin, one of the primary reasons women get frustrated with guys is their lack of clear intentions. Many single women yearn for men who will “man up” and just ask them out. However as soon as a guy steps up to the task, he is likely to get shot down. Why? Become women don’t want just any guy asking them out–they want the right guy.

That is a common pattern among women and it is extremely discouraging to godly men. It not only sends mixed messages but is exacerbated by the fact that women won’t own up to it. After complaining that guys aren’t initiating, women find ways to weasel out of dates when the “wrong” guys ask them out.

Of course, some of this behavior stems from a desire to spare the guy’s feelings, but it can actually be more insulting to men when we treat them like fragile baby birds. They’re not gonna break and they’re not gonna cry. We need to be kind but we also need to treat them like the men that they are. After all, if they had the courage to ask you out in a gentlemanly way, they’ve earned a little respect.

One big question in all of this is WHY women freak out so much. Why can’t we respectfully decline like a mature adult ? (And I am here speaking of appropriate advances from men, not inappropriate ones) Well I have a theory. One of the reasons women get so wigged out when a guy shows them unwanted attention is that women assume men think like they do. When a woman crushes on a guy, she’s likely to get carried away by her imagination, dreaming about all the reasons why they’d be perfect together and  how awesome their lives would be if they got married. However, I’m not sure that most men think that way. Sure there are probably some guys who get just as carried away as we do, but I suspect a lot of guys are thinking, “Hey, she’s cute. I’d like to take her to dinner.” Period.

Women need to beware of assuming too much about interested men, and consequently raising the stakes to a frightful level. Asking for a date is not a marriage proposal. If you can keep that perspective in mind and maintain a cool head, you’re much more likely to respond as a responsible, godly women instead of making bad decisions out of fear.

With all of that in mind, I want to close with a final verse that speaks beautifully into this situation. It comes from 1 Peter 3:3-6 and advises the following:

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”

The examples of women like Sarah (Abraham’s wife) remind us that sin is not far behind when fear takes the driver’s seat. We cannot let fear determine the way we treat others. Fear results in a fight or flight response. It causes us to lash out or trample feelings. It is not guided by wisdom or truth. And it is certainly not guided by love.

So if you’re reading this and you’re in the throes of the dating process, I truly sympathize. It is HARD and it is scary! But please don’t sin in your struggle. Respect your brothers and treat them as the wonderfully made members of the church that they are. Honor them according to the image of God in them. Be courageous. Anyone can date badly, but it takes a woman of real character, strength and devotion to Christ to date well.

This week my parents are in town so I’ve been extra busy spending time with them, which hasn’t left me a lot of time to blog. That said, I thought I would re-post a popular blog (written before I was married) about which I still receive a lot of feedback! A number of people find their way to my blog by searching the term “pre-engagement counseling” so this is clearly something that Christian couples are thinking about. If you find yourself at that place, I hope this post will be an encouragement to you!

Also, I have a bit of an announcement! After numerous people have asked me how to subscribe to my blog, I finally got with the program and added the feature. Now at the bottom of every post you will see a little button that says, “Subscribe.” I hope you do!

Now on to the blog….

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This past weekend my fiancé and I attended a retreat for engaged couples who are preparing for marriage. At the beginning of the weekend we were presented with information about our culture’s stance toward marriage, and we heard one statistic that I found particularly compelling:

90% of American young people believe that premarital counseling is a good thing to do, but only about 35% would actually consider doing it.

I was not given a source for this statistic so I honestly have no way of verifying its accuracy, but based upon my own experience I am not surprised. I have talked to a lot of couples, Christian and non-Christian, who respond warmly to the idea of other people doing premarital counseling, but when faced with the option to do it themselves, they opt out. Why? Because it sounds good, but not necessary. Only couples with “big problems” need that kind of thing.

This rationale would appear to stem out of two different causes–gross naiveté on the part of the couple, or flat-out denial. Either they have no idea how hard marriage is, or they have some inkling that their relationship isn’t healthy but they don’t want to deal with it. They’ve already decided to get married, they’ve paid for the food and the band, and there’s no turning back.

That’s why some churches have begun offering pre-engagement counseling. At first I thought this was a weird idea–as a single person, even a dating person, I actively avoided talking and thinking about marriage. No need to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, right? I was attempting to guard my imagination, and more importantly my heart.

The problem with my thought process was that it underestimated the momentum of planning a wedding. Once you begin the process of planning it’s like you get on board a giant locomotive and there’s no way to stop it. Had I realized that Ike was not the man for me, I cannot imagine the pain and hardship of canceling the wedding, or even just delaying it. Aside from the financial loss, it would be humiliating and emotionally devastating. In the short-term, it would seem much easier to just go through with it.

Which is why it’s so important for young couples to begin seeking godly counsel BEFORE the train gets going. Married couples already have the odds stacked against them, so given the soaring divorce rates you’d think engaged couples would be sobered into seeking every resource possible. When one in two marriages is failing, doesn’t it make sense to ensure that you’re NOT on the wrong side of the statistics? Wouldn’t you rather do the hard work of confronting your issues and asking the tough questions before you get married, instead of hoping for the best?

Unfortunately, this type of reasoning rarely takes place during engagement. While some couples DO break off their engagement, many choose to ignore the warning signs because they are blinded by the prospect of getting married. The end is in sight so they delude themselves into thinking that marriage will fix everything, even though marriage statistics would indicate otherwise.

So if you are in a serious dating relationship and the topic of marriage arises, I would encourage you to seek counsel BEFORE the proposal–though you might do so separately at first. Prior to taking on the 300 pound gorilla that is wedding planning, make sure you’re moving forward wisely and soberly. Even in dating it is difficult to have clear vision and an objective perspective, but if you are hesitant to have an outside opinion weighing in even NOW, then that’s a red flag.

Don’t hope for the best, don’t count on the other person to change, and don’t ignore the input of your friends and family. Breaking up with a boyfriend or fiancé is hard, but being in a bad marriage is much, much harder.

One of my greatest joys in life is to hear from former students or young women that I have led in the past. After our paths diverge, I sometimes wonder if anything I said or the way I lived my life had any impact at all, so it’s a tremendous affirmation when these women seek my advice or friendship after I’m no longer in an official capacity of leadership in their lives.

Over the years I’ve fielded a lot of questions from these young ladies, and about 9 times out of 10 the questions are about dating! Especially now that I’m married, I’m happy to offer a “from the other side” perspective on relationships. But oftentimes in the process of answering these questions I think to myself, “I bet she’s not the only person wondering about this–I should probably write a blog about this topic!”

Well that is the inspiration for today’s post. I want to highlight two questions I’ve received of late. Both deal with dating, and both are questions that I bet a lot of young women ask. So without further ado, here is some hopefully helpful “big sister” advice for navigating the deep waters of dating:

Question #1: How Soon Should My Boyfriend and I Become Spiritually Intimate?

One dynamic that emerges pretty quickly in Christian dating relationships is how soon you should pray together, serve in ministry together, etc. I would distinguish this kind of spiritual intimacy from simple conversations about faith, which should happen before you ever date–you need to know if he loves Jesus, and the only way you can find out is if you ask!

But what about the intentional investment into one another’s spiritual growth? What about sharing you deepest darkest prayer requests, or making the decision to serve in ministry together? Although these practices would seem like spiritual fertilizer on a budding Christian relationship, I would actually caution against diving into this type of intimacy too quickly.

As I shared with a young friend recently, this type of spiritual intimacy EARLY in a relationship can blur the lines of your own relationship with God. At the beginning of any relationship there are a lot of temptations to overcome, so it is during this time that you have to be particularly guarded about your own spiritual walk. It can, however, be tough to gauge your own walk it has suddenly become wrapped up in the faith of another. The exhilaration you feel after praying together or leading a group of youth together can leave you feeling SO GREAT with God–and also TOTALLY blind to the friends you haven’t seen in weeks, the ministry commitments you ditched to go serve with your bf, or the fact that your quiet times are inconsistent because you’re up late every night chatting with your man and you can no longer wake up in the morning.

You see, spiritual intimacy in dating relationships is not always real spiritual intimacy. In fact, it can be just the opposite. Sometimes when we rush into these practices, we are actually using God to serve the growth of the relationship–not the other way around. And in the process of this misapplication, you become pre-maturely intimate with someone who you are still only getting to know.

That is why the true test of a healthy relationship, EARLY ON, is whether you can stay consistent in your faith independent of one another. As time goes on and you become more serious, it is appropriate to pray together consistently and grow together spiritually, but take it slowly. A relationship will be Christ-centered if both individuals are centered on Christ before they ever begin to date, so take the time to learn whether he has that kind of focus without the crutch or misguided motivation of a girlfriend.

Question #2: What’s the Difference Between Lust and Normal Sexual Desire?

Another great question concerns the line between healthy sexual desire and lust. As you become more and more serious about a man and the two of you are planning to marry, it is perfectly natural to experience increasing feelings of sexual attraction. If you didn’t have that desire then it might mean he’s not the one for you! But what is the difference between this normal desire, and the sin of lust?

The point at which you cross that line is in your imagination. God created sex and called it good, which means it is healthy and godly to desire this good thing. Where you stray into dangerous territory is day-dreaming about sex. It’s so easy to fantasize about sex and let your imagination carry you away, and that’s the point at which a God-given desire crosses into the category of lust.

In day-dreaming about sex, you are allowing your mind to go to a place that God has forbidden at this point in your life. In a sense, lust is like cheating the system–you won’t let yourself go there physically, so you go there mentally. Jesus anticipated this loophole in Matthew 5 when he equated lust with the actual act of adultery–the motivation behind the two is exactly the same.

It should also be noted that when you freely allow your mind to indulge in that degree of intimacy, it will be easy for your body to follow. In the heat of the moment, you are more likely to venture down a path if it is familiar to you–even if only in your imagination.

Well that concludes this edition of Big Sister Dating Advice! If you ever have questions that you’d like to see discussed on this blog, always feel free to e-mail me! Or, if you have personal questions that you want to ask in confidence, I would love to hear from you as well. Even the best dating relationships can be challenging, but as the Body of Christ we can help each other along the way!

When a friend of mine e-mailed me a link to an article in Marie Claire about “Purity Balls,” I was a little nervous about clicking on it. Purity Balls? Sounds kind of weird to say the least.

What I found was not so much weird as thought-provoking. The article is a case study of one family who belongs to the growing movement of Christian “courtship.” The movement has its roots in Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye approach to relationships, and it places a strong emphasis on the father’s oversight of his single daughter. The term “purity balls” refers to a “Father Daughter Purity Ball” which fathers attend with their teenage daughters. It is a formal affair with dinner and dancing, during which the fathers sign a pledge promising to guard their daughter’s purity until she is married. This event has taken place in 48 different states.

The article itself focused on one family, the parents of whom also happened to be the founders of the Father Daughter Purity Ball. In this particular family, the father helped to arrange his daughter’s marriage and after a short courtship they were wed. Until that day, there was zero physical intimacy. Not even hand holding.

Although the author of the article was somewhat sympathetic to the cause, there was a predictable breakdown in communication due to their conflicting worldviews, further exacerbated by Christian lingo such as the father’s commitment to be the “high priest of the home.” But articles likes this are certainly thought-provoking, and after thinking on it and talking to my husband about it, there are a number of great strengths about this model of courtship, yet I have some reservations as well. I’ll start with the positive:

1. Strengths:

It is a helpful means for guarding your dating relationship in a way that is above reproach.
Anyone who has ever dated knows that it is hard to keep your head on straight when your hormones are raging. While many Christians have all the best intentions in the world and create lots of different boundaries to hold themselves accountable, it’s just plain difficult to live up to them. And contrary to the author of the article, I am NOT thankful for all the mistakes I made in the past. We live in a culture that lives by the mantra of “no regrets,” which is the height of selfishness. When you screw up and hurt others, you should regret it. I regret hurting others, and I regret the hurt that my past relationships have inflicted on my now husband. In many ways I am the woman that I am today because of my mistakes, but that is a testimony to God’s redemptive grace, not the rightness of those decisions.

So in some ways, I wish I had worked harder to wait. I affirm that desire in other women. And this particular approach to courtship is an aggressive method of achieving that end. While a father cannot/should not force his adult daughter to abide by this set-up, if it is her desire to draw on the resource of her father as a form of accountability, then I support that.

It encourages tremendous intimacy within the family.
This approach to courtship puts an enormous burden of responsibility on the father. If he is going to help his daughter find a mate, then he better know her, and well. He better understand her personality, her strengths and weaknesses, and the deep desires of her heart. If he doesn’t, then he risks guiding her in a dangerous direction, but if he takes this role seriously he will invest a great deal of time into knowing his daughter. He will also have a great foundation on which to build a relationship with his son-in-law. The family could potentially be strengthened and unified by this practice.

2. Preliminary Concerns

It is not universally applicable.
This practice, though helpful for some families, is not generalizable. If a woman’s father is not a Christian, then it breaks down. If the woman lives far away from her father, then it breaks down. Although there was nothing in the article to suggest that this family believed ALL Christians should approach dating this way, I felt that this point still needed to be said. We must be careful about generalizing specific family practices as God-ordained practices for all.

It can be misleading.
One of my favorite books on abstinence is called “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity” by Lauren Winner. In it, she warns Christians about telling lies about sex. For instance, it is a lie that sex outside marriage is not enjoyable, or that sex before marriage will ruin your sex life in marriage. Yet these are the kinds of arguments you hear Christians making. The subject of the article ran into this exact problem when she shared that her sex life was so “amazing” because she waited until marriage, and that she didn’t have to worry about her husband straying since he’d never been with anyone else. The author was clearly offended by these comments, given that she herself is married and professes to enjoy a healthy, full marriage defined by trust.

Abstinence is not about a cost-benefit analysis in which we decided to abstain simply because, in the end, we’ll have better sex lives. While adherence to God’s Word will always yields fruit in our lives, we are not earning a better sex life by waiting, nor are we guaranteed a marriage free of struggle. The MAIN reason for abstinence is that God cares about what we do with our bodies and He created them to be locations of worship and honor. Rebellion in this one area is symptomatic of a much deeper heart issue with God. So rather than try to out-do non-Christians with your sex-life, remember that the terms of your behavior are not set by the world’s standard’s of goodness, but by God’s.

There is a lack of emphasis on the role of the mother, as well as the purity of the son.
The article in Marie Claire was about a very particular vein of the courtship movement, which may be the reason that no mention was made of the mother role, or of a father’s obligation to his sons. But again I have to add that a woman’s mother should also be equally invested in her life, and it would be a bit strange to leave this oh-so personal realm to the dads. It would be equally strange to put all the emphasis on a daughter’s purity until marriage, while totally overlooking the son’s. God cares about men just as much as He does women, and their bodies are just as precious. As much as we fight for the purity of women, we must fight just as hard for men.

Well those are my thoughts. Let me know if you have any of your own–this is certainly a very interesting topic!

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about how tough break-ups can be. She is single and I am married, and over the years we’ve both had friends who have become hardened towards men as a result of bad break-ups. We also have friends who have become wounded and insecure because of the rejections they’ve experienced. Since that conversation I’ve spent some time reflecting on my own experiences with break-ups. I’ve certainly had my share of them, and I’ve written about it a lot on this blog. However, since getting married I haven’t discussed this topic in quite some time even though a lot of my readers are single, so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned about break-ups in the past few years.

As I mentioned above, break-ups are tough in that they have a special ability to change you for the worse. The way you respond to a break-up can have a tremendous impact on the person you will be after. Some women have a permanent chip on their shoulder toward men. If they ever hear a story of a man breaking up with a woman, they immediately assume the worst about him. And once in a new relationship, bitter women can drive men away with their lack of trust, constantly waiting for him to screw up and hurt them.

On the other side of the break-up coin are the women who simply lose confidence in themselves. I fell into this latter category. I had a great family that did an amazing job of affirming me as a child, so I was actually very secure in who I was through middle school and high school. It wasn’t until I was an adult and started dating that my confidence began to waver. After suffering through a couple break-ups, I doubted whether I was even lovable at all. Would ANY man every want to marry me??

One of the things that make break-ups so difficult to work through is that they tempt you to believe lies about yourself. Break-ups get inside your head and it’s really hard to separate yourself from them. You can’t step outside the situation. As a result, it can be hard to even know how to pray. Do you pray that God would reunite you with the person? Do you pray that God would change you or your ex so that the relationship can work? Or do you pray that God would simply make your feelings go away? And what does it mean when your feelings doesn’t go away?

All of these questions make it terribly difficult to discern God’s will and direction amidst a break-up. You don’t know what He wants from you or what you’re supposed to do. As a result of that confusion, I often handled break-ups very badly. My confusion about God’s leading caused me to act out of fear instead of trusting in His care. I said and did things I shouldn’t have; I also put my security and confidence in things I shouldn’t have.

Looking back on those days and the intense emotions I experienced, I have finally realized the best way to categorize those times in a manner that would have helped clear up the confusion. Or at least some of it. After a break-up, many of us experience what can only be described as true suffering. As a single woman I was hesitant to label my break-ups that way because they seemed so small in comparison to the suffering of others–I had a roof over my head, a great family, a promising future. What did I have to complain about? But as I look back on a couple of those break-ups, I really did suffer. I cried a lot. I was depressed. I lost weight because I had no appetite. I was physically and emotionally distraught. Why? Because some break-ups are like a death. You have lost someone important in your life, as well as the future that you thought you had with them. And in the face of death, the normal human response is to grieve. Many times to go through a break-up is to suffer.

The reason I urge you to think of break-ups within the category of suffering is that it can give direction to your emotions. No, the Bible doesn’t say much about break-ups but it DOES say a lot about suffering. The Psalms of Lament, such as Psalm 30:8-12, can articulate the feelings you are having, sometimes better than you can yourself. Scripture also helps us to direct our suffering towards hope and perseverance:

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. – Psalm 5:11

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. – James 1:2-3

Like all forms of suffering in this world, God wants you to take refuge in Him. So no matter the circumstances of the break-up, that is the one thing you can be sure of. It is tempting to run to your family and friends, and they are certainly good resources, but always run first to your Father in Heaven. Break-ups are so incredibly difficult and if you are going through one right now my heart truly aches for you! But like all suffering this is an opportunity for you to grow closer to the Lord. How you respond to this situation will define who you are after, so examine whether you are responding in a way that will make you bitter, insecure, or refined as by fire.

I should have mentioned this sooner but I’m actually out of the country right now, which is why I’ve been posting a number of re-runs from the past. The following post was written over 3 years ago and, as will be quite obvious from the context, before I met my husband. It made my smile to read it again!

Today I realized something interesting about typical strategies of evangelism. The realization came after spending a couple hours at UNC tonight handing out free lemonade as an exam outreach initiative. We weren’t asking students to sign up for anything or come to church in exchange–we were giving the lemonade out with no strings attached.

Surprisingly, the students were still very suspicious. A lot of people ignored us when we asked if they wanted something to drink. And the ones that did come to the table were immediately apprehensive when we told them that we were from a church. You could just see it in their eyes–they were waiting for something Christiany to be thrown at them like a Gospel tract or the Four Laws. They were bracing themselves for it.

As I was driving home tonight, I was reflecting on these students’ reactions and the reason behind them. The easiest scapegoat for their skepticism is judgmental Christians who scream at people and tell them they’re going to Hell. But the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that it probably wasn’t judgmental Christians that these students were tired of, because most Christians aren’t actually like that. Sure, non-Christians may run into a couple scary Christians along the way, but the majority of their experiences were probably with “normal” Christians, which means their opinions of the church were probably shaped by such “normal” Christians.

No, it wasn’t the crazy Christians alone that were scaring the non-Christians away. It was also the majority of Christians who are nice but are constantly scheming to convert people. The way we do evangelism may not be scary or loud, but it nevertheless sends non-Christians running in the opposite direction, and I think I know why.

Tonight, as I looked in the eyes of these young people and saw the distrust therein, I was startled to realize that I recognized that feeling, because it is the feeling I frequently get when interacting with single guys. In the last several years of my life as the pressure to get married has been mounting on everyone my age, I have become extremely hesitant about meeting new guys, even Christian ones, because many times guys will start flirting with me, to some degree or another, the moment that we meet.

When this happens, it’s as if they don’t see me at all–all they see is my potential as a wife. And I hate that feeling, because I know that it is not based on their desire to care for me, but their desire to care for themselves. All I am is a means to an end–the end being marriage.

I think that is the same vibe that we often give off to non-Christians. It’s not that we’re mean or judgmental, but our evangelism is about as sincere as a pick-up line. In the same way that a guy’s initial advances are inherently insincere since they don’t know me, non-Christians receive a similar message because we don’t know anything about them.

And in the same way that guys hit on girls because their vision is dominated by dreams of marriage, non-Christians know that all we can really see is our hopes for “conversion.” Our eyes are so focused on that goal, that we miss seeing the person. Though unintentionally, they become just a number to us, a means to an end. And non-Christians are no more impressed by that kind of evangelism than a girl is impressed by some cheesy line about how her legs must be tired from running through a guy’s mind.

The advance is lacking in any sort of genuineness, and it has little to nothing to do with the actual person. All it does is make people want to run away as fast as their “tired” legs will carry them.

And this analogy can be taken even further. One of the reasons that Christians keep on engaging in this kind of evangelism is because it does, occasionally, work. Of the hundreds and hundreds of people you talk to, at least one or two take the bait. But I suspect that the kinds of people who respond to that type of evangelism are no different than the kinds of women who respond to pick-up lines–they’re desperate.

There’s a reason that guys keep using pick-up lines–they actually work from time to time. If you approach enough women, you’ll eventually find someone who is either insecure enough or desperate enough to accept it.

But that success is not so much a commentary on the quality of the pick-up line as it is the state of the girl. In the same way, I suspect that the people who are most likely to respond to formulaic evangelism are those people who are at the end of their ropes.

Granted, it is important that we reach those people, and for this reason we should be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading in case we are called to this kind of evangelism, but we should be extremely discerning about this method because, if used incorrectly, it can do quite a bit of damage in the mean time.

Just think about it–because so many guys indiscriminately hit on girls, I am now suspicious of any attention a guy gives me as soon as I meet him, thus making it that much harder for any genuine guy to pursue me, even as just a friend, in the future. Similarly, non-Christians become so jaded by the impersonal outreach strategies of the Christians they’ve encountered that it becomes more and more difficult for Christians to reach out to them in a genuine way in the future.

So yes, pick-up lines do work, but in general, they tend to do more harm than good. Why? Because pick-up lines are never sincere. They are never the reflection of a person who genuinely wants to care for and love another person. They are the fastest, easiest means to getting something.

And I think that is what Christian evangelism is often reduced to. Christians comfort themselves with the knowledge that we are not being hateful or narrow-minded, but that doesn’t mean we’re actually loving people in an authentic way. Real love is the kind modeled for us in Christ–it is personal, intimate, sacrificial, and patient, so just because we share the Gospel with someone doesn’t mean we’re actually loving them.

More likely we are conveying the same cheap imitation of love that you can find at a bar any night of the week–a love that is fast, easy, and requires very little of us to get what we want. But whether the target is a cute blonde at a party or a non-Christian in the student union, the fact of the matter is that pick-up lines almost never work.

Another popular post of mine deals with a very frequent practice among both single men and women. Because it’s so common, I’ve received a lot of positive feedback for helping provide it a name. I should also note that the anonymous friend mentioned at the start of this blog helped me to launch my new blog design!

I am blessed to have a friend in my life who is not inhibited by social graces like tact. If I ever need an opinion, I can depend on him to speak hard truth into my life, generally in the most blunt form possible. Fortunately, he is almost always dead-on in his observations, which is why I go back to him again and again, regardless of the form in which his wisdom is dispensed.

For example, he recently introduced me to a term that I have since found to be both descriptive and extremely accurate. The term is “girlfriend place-holder.”

According to my friend, a lot of guys will have a female friend in their life that functions as a girlfriend in virtually every way–they talk a lot, spend a great deal of one-on-one time together, even go on pseudo-dates and act flirtatious. For all intents and purposes it would seem that the guy is interested, yet he never actually wants to commit. In fact, he never even broaches the topic of dating.

Why? Because, as my friend describes it, this girl is serving as a “girlfriend place-holder.” Though probably doing so unintentionally, some guys will keep a female friend around to hold the place of a girlfriend. In a sense, they are filling their time until they meet the girl they *really* want to date.

As my friend explained it, we all want companionship in some form or another, so even if we haven’t met Mr. or Mrs. Right just yet, many of us will find someone to meet those desires until the “real thing” comes along. And guys aren’t the only ones guilty of doing this. Girls do it just as much. Ladies, I’m sure you can think back to someone in your past, if not someone RIGHT NOW, who is serving as a boyfriend place-holder for you. He’s great because he’ll pay for things when you go out, and he’s always available if you’re bored, but you have absolutely no intention of dating him.

What is interesting about this form of guy-girl relationship is that it is deceptively intimate. Unlike blatant serial flirting in which you can easily spot the players you need to avoid, place-holding seems more real and more deep. After all, it is based upon an actual friendship, so there is more to it than simply having fun.

And that is what often keeps the “place-holders” hanging on so long–because there is depth to the relationship, they hold out hope that sooner or later the guy or girl will snap out of it: “One of these days he’s going to wake up and realize what a good thing he has right in front of him.” That sort of thing. In this way, these relationships can actually result in far greater emotional damage than shallower versions of its kind. Place-holders will more easily open up and make themselves vulnerable since they feel they can trust the other person.

This ultimately leaves the “place-holder” feeling confused and hurt, and sometimes devastated. I have a number of girl friends right now who are in this exact situation. They have a close guy friend that they spend a great deal of time with, but he just won’t commit. In fact, he won’t even bring up any sort of conversation relating to the romantic nature of their relationship. Perhaps the guy is simply afraid of commitment, but in many cases, as my guy friend explains it, these guys have no intention of dating at all. They are unintentionally using these young women as girlfriend place-holders.

Now I think it’s pretty obvious that this kind of relationship is not honoring to the “place-holder” involved, so if you can think of someone in your life who plays that role, then you should seriously consider cutting it off. Even if you are both using each other, and neither person necessarily has the upper hand, you are still not treating them as the brother and sister in Christ that they are. And more importantly, if you think a guy or girl might be treating YOU as a place-holder, then get out of that relationship, and fast! That is NOT how God intended you to be treated–you are to be loved and desired extravagantly, so anyone who makes you feel inadequate or unworthy of love is falling way short of that mark.

In addition to all that, if you have a friend who is treating someone as a place-holder, call them out! Guys, don’t let your friends treat girls that way–if you look the other way when your friends do this, then you are no better than they are since you clearly don’t respect your sister enough to stand up for her. And ladies, the same goes for you. No guy deserves to be strung along, so hold your friends accountable on their behalf.

And finally, don’t forget to reflect on why it is you need a place-holder in the first place. God is always sufficient, so if He hasn’t provided you with a spouse yet, He is still more than enough for you to be content. At the end of the day, that is the key issue here, so be sure not to cover it up with a girlfriend or boyfriend place-holder. Place-holding is little more than the symptom of a dissatisfied heart.

Another one of the most popular blogs I’ve posted was called “Sleeping Over: The Latest Trend in Christian Sketchiness.” This particular post has garnered a lot of attention because it addresses a widespread practice that is rarely discussed by Christian teachers. While some people have disagreed with my stance, I have to say that my experience in the last six months of marriage has affirmed my pre-marriage position (I initially wrote this long before I was married). This is a really important topic that I hope single Christians will carefully consider!

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space.