Long before I met my husband I heard about a fascinating study that claimed to have discovered the single greatest determiner of a lasting marriage. Whether or not the researchers actually found THE single greatest determiner is debatable, but I still think they were pretty right on.

I’ve written about this study here before, but after I found myself sharing the research with a newly engaged friend I thought I would re-post some of it again. It’s such a great reminder to me in my own marriage:

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is the founder of The Gottman Institute, which has conducted ground-breaking research into marital relationships and the keys to their success. Specifically, Gottman conducted a study in which he videotaped newlyweds discussing an issue about which they disagreed, and then he tracked the couples over the following years to see which couples stayed together and which ones divorced.

After years had gone by and the fates of the marriages were largely determined, Gottman went back to the videos and examined the interactions between the couples in an attempt to discover which couples were built to last, and which couples were doomed for destruction. Based on that information, Gottman now feels he is able to predict with considerable accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

And what were the characteristics of a doomed marriage? Gottman observed that in couples who later divorced, there was an element of contempt in their disagreements with one another. While arguing, they were condescending, they froze one another out by refusing to listen, and they tore one another down with name-calling and insults. Rather than approach the problem as a team, they quickly divided and covered their own tails.

The successful couples, on the other hand, were quite the opposite. Though they still disagreed on things, they were willing to listen and grow from one another. And even more fascinating about their interactions is that for every negative thing they said toward the other, they would counteract it with an average of five positive things.

The successful couples also prevented the argument from escalating. Gottman found that the more a person’s heart rate increases, the less he or she is able to listen and respond rationally. When the heart rate increases, a person is more prone to become defensive and lash out. However, couples who were able to be patient and gentle with one another prevented the argument from escalating and were subsequently able to sustain a conversation that was not only respectful, but from which they both could grow.

When this decades long study was all said and done, Gottman came to the following conclusion: a happy couple is not a couple without conflict. According to Gottman, all couples fight. All couples have irreconcilable differences. It’s how you handle those differences that makes or breaks your marriage.

In addition to these findings, Gottman discovered one other factor that influences the staying power of a marriage. Of all the couples he studied, he observed some couples who engaged in healthy fighting but nevertheless divorced. After examining these couples further he determined that these couples simply didn’t enjoy one another’s company. They didn’t fight but they didn’t laugh together either. There was no chemistry, no fun.

One might conclude that this latter category of couples should have never gotten married in the first place, but I have a different perspective. This study reminds me to make having fun and laughing with my husband a priority in our marriage. When it’s been a bad week and we’re both grumpy lumps, it’s important to find a way to laugh together and cut the tension.

So for those of you who are married or hope to be one day, tuck this study away in your brain. Not only is it backed by science but I think it has solid biblical grounding as well. Scripture speaks of a deep and mysterious unity between a husband and wife, a unity that should shape our agreements and disagreements alike. When working through conflict the ultimate goal is not victory but intimacy. In both peace and conflict we strive to reflect the everlasting unity between Christ and his Bride.

A lot of Christian leaders have been talking about sex lately. The publicity has generated a great deal of conversation–some good, some not so good–as Christians continue to learn about godly sexuality and its proper place in the Christian life.

As important as it is to have these conversations and to seek greater understanding, these discussions can also present a bit of a challenge to single people. When Christians talk about sex in the same way as non-Christians–namely by elevating it to the position of a basic necessity and touting its nirvana-like pleasure–I am not sure we are serving single Christians in their call to chastity.

This week, Matthew Lee Anderson wrote a terrific article for Christianity Today about this community component to our language about sex. In it he addressed the contribution that singles bring to these discussions when he wrote:

Just as importantly, learning how sexuality is a community concern gives a voice to those who are frequently ignored when the topic arises: those who are single, and especially singles who may be called to that state. It’s paradoxical, of course, to think that those who might never have sex have something to teach the married about it. But within the community of the church, single people have an indispensible role in reminding the married that for all its joys and pleasures, life without sex is not one of drudgery or disappointment.

The perspective Anderson offers here is a great reminder of how lop-sided our conversations about sex will become if we exclude particular voices in the church. When married couples alone are the key leaders and thinkers on this issue, it is possible that we can develop an understanding of sex that is somewhat distorted.

For instance, in our exaltation of sex and its many benefits, great sex is sometimes described as a reward for godly married couples. Some of this logic comes from married couples who regret their past sexual impurity and the baggage it brought into their marriage. They wish they had waited and they encourage young Christians to make different choices. In addition to these testimonies, married Christians who enjoy sex appeal to it as a primary motivator for right behavior. Some teachers promise that abstinence prior to marriage is a guarantee of great married sex. If you can wait it out, it will be worth it.

To be sure, sex before marriage can result in a lot of baggage. Sin always has consequences, a principle that is repeatedly emphasized in the book of Proverbs. Likewise, righteousness undoubtedly bears fruits.

However, the logic behind this approach to abstinence has a number of problems. First, it’s simply not true. Abstinence does not guarantee good sex. Just before my husband walked into the church on our wedding day, my pastor said to him, “Prepare to have the worst sex of your life.” By this he meant that no one is a pro at first. For a lot of married couples, sex has a slow learning curve and it takes time to really enjoy it. For most people, it’s not mind-blowing the first time–or the 20th.

Add to that learning curve the component of personal hang-ups. Some Christians struggle to transition from abstinence to having regular sex. Many women are insecure about their bodies and have trouble being intimate. For other women it is physically painful, and for some men the drive isn’t always there.

Contrary to television, sex is complicated and each couple’s sexual relationship will have its own unique challenges. Fortunately, in marriage we have our whole lives to learn about one another, to trust one another, and to grow with one another in this area. Even when a couple struggles with their sexual relationship, that commitment to struggle together is part of the beauty of sex.

Returning to the logic of reward for abstinence, there is an additional problem with it that goes beyond it’s logistical fallacies: The purpose of abstinence is not to have great sex. The purpose of abstinence is to honor God with our bodies. Our bodies do not belong to us but to God alone, so we are to live as stewards of our God-given bodies prior to marriage and within the bonds of marriage.

Toward that end, sex is an echo of the great and mysterious relationship between Christ and the church. When we join ourselves to another in sexual intimacy, we reflect the perfect intimacy between God and His people. That is our created purpose, and that is the proper category in which sex belongs, before anything else.

All of that to say, sex is not an ultimate good. When married couples speak as though it is we set singles up to feel bitter toward God for withholding such an ultimate blessing. We also tempt singles to treat sex the way the culture does–as a basic right that they should not be expected to live without.

But the purpose of sex is not to serve ourselves. The created purpose of sex is to reflect the intimacy between Christ and the church within the relationship of Christian marriage.

Let me close by suggesting that contrary to popular opinion, single people should not be dependent upon married people to develop a robust theology of sex. Yes, singles should certainly listen to married couples–otherwise they would be excluding a great majority of teachings from the church. However, the two greatest Christian teachers of all time were both single and that is a tradition we should continue. From Jesus and Paul we know that one does not have to be married to have a godly understanding of sexuality. In fact, we need the voices of single people if we are to understand sexuality properly. And we need single people if we are to conduct these conversations in a way that edifies the entire body, not just married people.

Single brothers and sisters, the church needs you. When it comes to discussions about sex, your voice matters.

As many of you have probably heard, Mark Driscoll and his wfie, Grace, are coming out with a new book called Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. I have not read the book so I will not comment on any of its contents here, but I have heard that it gets into explicit detail about sexual acts and whether or not those acts are permissible.

Driscoll has a track record of frankness about such questions, and if you are interested in reading a great response to the explicit nature of Driscoll’s book, check out Tim Challies’ take here and here. I would especially encourage you to click on that second link, in which Challies responds to Driscoll’s perspective on plastic surgery. Challies said almost everything I would have said on the issue, for which I am very grateful.

So back to Driscoll. Driscoll’s book is just one leg of an interesting discussion about the extent to which Christians should be talking about sex When I first heard about Real Marriage and the issues it takes on, I asked my husband what he thought. His answer surprised me. I expected a knee-jerk rejection but instead he was sympathetic. As he reasoned, people are asking these questions and the church needs to have an answer.

In the above links, Challies wrestles with where to draw the line on that logic. He wonders if there are some topics that are so foul that they don’t deserve a pulpit…or a book. But, Challies concedes, some questions require answers. In that regard, I find myself gravitating toward Challies’ sentiment.

While this topic is one that I continue to think through, I have developed a more concrete opinion on the larger trend of Christians talking about sex. Driscoll’s book is just one aspect of a larger trend in which evangelicals have increasingly embraced explicit conversations about sex. And while I believe there is a time and a place for those conversations (I personally make an exception for friends who are about to get married and need guidance or advice), I also believe we need to handle these conversations with care.

As we think about the nature of marital intimacy and how to discuss it, there are several questions that can guide us: What keeps marital intimacy intimate? Is sex intimate simply because it is an act shared between two people alone? Or is more required?

I tend to believe that marital intimacy, to be truly intimate, must be about more than fidelity. Like intimacy with God, marital intimacy goes beyond what we do. For instance, spiritual fidelity–ie. reading your Bible, praying, and going to church–is not enough to be intimate with God. There is also a heart component to the equation. Intimacy with God is not achieved by the mere doing of a faithful act, but it is part of a larger context that includes intentionality, love, discipline, and worship.

Likewise, sexual intimacy with a spouse is not merely a fun extracurricular activity we get to indulge in with our spouses and then brag about later. It goes beyond monogamy. It is an intentional act by which we become close with our spouse on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level. Although sex is, by its very nature, intimate, a lack of intentionality, love, relationship, and esteem for the other can very well detract from that intimacy.

But returning to the question of talk about sex–and here I mean divulging personal details about your own sexual relationship to other people–this is dangerous territory. It is particularly dangerous when it comes to men. Given how visual men are, I cannot help but wonder about the visual images that come to mind when a man describes his sex life to other men. Even when avoiding the details, I wonder if men are tempted to fill in those visual gaps on their own, which cannot be honoring to either man’s wife.

Over-sharing about one’s sexual life, even without great detail, is a way of inviting other people into your bedroom. Because of this reality, we need to exercise caution when it comes to talk about sex. Not because sex is dirty, but because God designed it to be intimate.

Much of the sex-talk trend is an over-reaction to a long established stigma attached to sex. Sex was viewed as dirty and coarse, and Christians wanted to reclaim the goodness and beauty of sex. I applaud that effort. However, sex is designed for marriage alone, which means there is something about sex that reflects the intimacy between Christ and the church. There is something sacred and even worshipful about sex, and our language needs to reflect that theological truth. I am not sure that all of our talk about sex these days is of the holy kind, but we should aim for it to be.

One of my favorite shows on television right now is 30 Rock. Lately I’ve been catching up on old episodes on Netflix, and I recently watched a clip that I thought was both hilarious and thought-provoking.

In case you’ve never seen the show, it follows an SNL-like t.v. show created by head writer Liz Lemon, played by Tina Fey. Alec Baldwin plays Jack Donaghy, Liz’ boss and the head of NBC. Jack also serves as a mentor figure for Liz. In this particular episode, Jack looks for another employee to mentor because his fiancée is uncomfortable with his and Liz’s unusually close relationship.

As it turns out, Jack has a hard time replacing Liz. No one fits all the requirements he has for a pupil, and in one scene we learn why the junior execs in his company are especially unqualified. Jack finds none of them to be worthy of his mentorship, sighing, “There’s something wrong with this generation.”

No sooner does he finish his sentence than a young executive walks through the door with a fabio-esque haircut and his eyes fixed on his Blackberry. After shooting off an e-mail he looks up at Jack and casually declares,

“Sorry I’m late. BTdubs, I gotta leave for my ironic kickball league in about ten. Also, I’m not interested in this position unless I’m going to be constantly praised. And, I won’t cut my hair.”

I don’t know why that scene makes me laugh so hard! Probably because his self-absorption and self-entitlement rings a little true. While it’s clearly a caricature of the self-esteem movement’s fruits, it’s not that far off the mark. Social commentators don’t call my generation the “trophy kids” for nothing.

Much has been written about the cold reality facing entitled Millennials (born between 1980 and 2001) who enter the work force. Having been coddled and praised all the way through college, the real world is a real shock to them. Entitled people don’t make for good employees either. They don’t receive criticism well, they expect higher pay, flexible schedules, excess vacation time, and affirmation for fulfilling their most basic job requirements.

What I’ve begun to wonder, however, is what marriage will be like for this generation. Granted, not all Millennials are that sheltered, but for those who fit the bill I wonder what will happen when they say “I do?” Marriage, after all, isn’t necessarily great for self-esteem. God has used it to humble me mightily. And how will marriage square with a mentality that an academic dean at Stanford described as follows: “They really do seem to want everything, and I can’t decide if it’s an inability or an unwillingness to make trade-offs.” An unwillingness to make trade-offs? Trade-offs is the bread and butter of my marriage! This does not bode well.

As Americans get married later and later, we are only beginning to witness the interesting mix of matrimony with instant gratification and self-entitlement. For now, what we do know about the “Get a Trophy for Participating” Generation is enough to sober the next generation of parents. As we think about raising children who will be good spouses, and more importantly good Christians, we have to weigh the importance of self-esteem. It is not that self-love or success are bad things, but they are not ultimate things to which all other things must bow.

In a world as crazy and broken as ours, it’s easy to want to shelter our innocent children and keep them from being broken. That is part of a parent’s job. But as Dietrich Bonhoeffer once wrote, “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” Amid the self-esteem movement, how will we raise up disciples who are ready for this kind of call? I’m not sure the self-esteem movement is prepared to answer that question.

When Ike and I first got married, our personalities landed on very different ends of the spectrum between justice and mercy. While I have always been a “truth speaker”–meaning I see things in black and white, tend to be dogmatic, and speak my mind before pausing to listen–Ike is a peacemaker. He is very intuitive, has a great grasp on the complexities of a situation, and he understands people. Whereas I am quick to cast judgment, Ike is slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Early on in our relationship, this difference created problems. I accused Ike of failing to speak on matters of truth. I pushed him when I thought he needed to be pushed, and I became even angrier when he didn’t share my sentiments. “How does this not upset you?” I would ask. Of course, my criticism only provoked defensiveness in him, and the conversations unraveled from there.

This difference in our personalities has resulted in more arguments than any other issue in our marriage. My criticism of Ike’s graciousness betrayed a lack of trust in his judgment, and that was hurtful to him. My criticism was also ineffective. No matter how firmly I stated my case,  no matter how crystal clear I believed the truth to be, Ike was not to be moved by force. Rather than convince him, my strong-arm method neither changed his mind nor endeared me to him. In fact, it did just the opposite.

Which is why I slowly began to change. Because conviction and argumentation had proven to be fruitless methods of persuasion, I adjusted. I noticed the strengths in Ike’s personality, and how it won him the respect of everyone he knows. I noticed the manner in which Ike’s humility and gentleness draw humility and gentleness out of me, even when we’re arguing. I realized that, through his patience and his willingness to listen, Ike’s words have a kind of weight and authority that cannot be won with superior skills of reasoning or numerous educational degrees. He has all of those things, but it’s not the reason people respect and love him.

Meanwhile, I recognized the weaknesses in my justice-oriented thinking. It’s not that justice doesn’t have its place–Ike would tell you that God has used me to make him a bolder man–but truth without mercy is only a hammer.

I therefore worked to change my ways, and my personality eventually followed. If you ask anyone in my family today, they will tell you that I have changed. Because of the way God uses Ike, I am a different person now than when I got married.

This change has had repercussions outside our marriage as well. As I have changed, the way I do ministry has changed also. In the same way that I assaulted Ike with truth, I am tempted to do the same with Scripture. When someone’s life is out of line, my instinct is to call it like it is–SIN. I can get pretty judgmental pretty fast.

Fortunately my marriage to Ike has resulted in pastoral growth. I am learning to listen and to meet people where they’re at. I’m learning to be patient with others and journey with them as they grow, occasionally screw up, and grow some more. I am learning to be more humble, and to get out of the way to make room for God.

Before I met Ike, I desired a marriage in which my husband and I could serve God better together than apart. Years later, God has answered that prayer beyond what I could have imagined. I truly am a better disciple because of Ike. Working through our every day interactions in the privacy of our home, God is making us into better servants of the world outside.

How has your marriage changed you?

For Ike and me, this weekend is all about celebrating marriage. Today we’ll attend the wedding of some friends in Memphis, and on Monday we’ll celebrate two years of marriage back in Chicago. This year I’m in charge of planning our anniversary and it’s a surprise, so more details later!

I love that our anniversary falls on the same weekend as a wedding this year, because weddings always remind me of my own vows and why I chose to marry Ike. On the drive down to Memphis yesterday, we spent some time reflecting on what we’ve learned over the last 2 years and how we’ve changed. We’ve had some truly remarkable adventures together all over the world, and the longer I’m married to him the more I am humbled by God’s sovereignty in bringing us together. We complement one another in ways I never could have anticipated. Two years later, I still thank God every day for Ike.

These two years have been a blast and a blessing, so you’re probably wondering about the title of this post. I know it’s a strange topic on the weekend of my anniversary, but I also believe there is a real connection between marriage counseling and the quality of our marriage.

Before Ike and I got married, we made the decision to see a marriage counselor as a form of “regular maintenance” on our marriage. One reason for this decision was Ike’s own experience as a child from a broken home. He knew very well the pain of divorce. Plus, we thought it foolish to assume ourselves immune to the high divorce rate in our culture. When one in two marriages fails today, how could we possibly play the odds by being passive?

So rather than wait for trouble to come, we decided to take a preventative approach to marriage. We care for our marriage in much the same way we care for our car–taking it in for occasional tune-ups so that we don’t find ourselves stranded on the side of the road one day with a blown transmission. It’s a lot easier to prevent a disaster than to fix it after the damage has been done

Ike and I also realized that if we waited until something was truly wrong in our marriage, we might be less likely to seek out a counselor. When you are hurt or angry with someone, you sometimes have less motivation to reach out and mend the relationship. You develop a destructive momentum that can be difficult to stop, and we wanted to intervene before that ball even got rolling.

So when we moved to Chicago we started seeing a marriage counselor once a month, and it’s one of the best decisions we’ve made for our marriage. The timing of our appointments has always been perfect–right when we needed an objective outsider for perspective, our counselor was there. And because we dealt with issues before they became ISSUES, we had not built up any significant walls to take down, which makes forgiveness and reconciliation significantly easier.

I won’t pretend to be a marriage expert with my all of two years of marriage and no children. I have no doubt Ike and I will face many difficult seasons ahead. However, I am convinced that our first two years have been as smooth as they have because we worked hard at our marriage. Good marriage is not something that happens as a result of mere chemistry but of discipline and personal investment.

So to those readers who are not yet married but would like to be one day, start having those conversations early. Not first date early, but before you get married early. If your boyfriend or fiancé is already resistant to the idea of seeking wisdom from a counselor or Christian community, then that is a concern to weigh carefully.

To close, the following verse from Proverbs 11:14 is a great nugget of wisdom for us married folks:

For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.

Although the context of this verse is different from marriage, the underlying principle is an important one. A successful marriage is not built in a vacuum. Whether or not you go to a marriage counselor, surround yourself with people who know what is going on in your marriage and can speak wisdom into it. Pray together. From the beginning, put preventative measures into place that will help center your marriage and hold you accountable.

And since this is only my second anniversary and that’s all the advice I can give, I would consider it an anniversary gift if some of you could share your own ideas for guarding your marriage and keeping it on the straight path. In the interest of listening to many advisers, I would love to hear from you!

How do you keep your marriage centered?

When I was in seminary I had a professor who used to say, “People don’t get married for love, but for lust. Only later does marriage teach us what love is.”

I don’t think we should push too hard on that idea–there are all sorts of exceptions to it–but I agree with the basic premise. The early stages of a relationship are frequently the easiest. They are marked by novelty, passion, electricity, and irresistible attraction. Before we really get to know each other through the character unveiling obstacles of life, there’s a bit of a honeymoon period.

Marriage, however, is the crucible that purifies love of its selfish motives. Marriage helps widen our gaze and look beyond ourselves. It humbles and softens us. It can make us better people, more focused on others and less self-centered. It can even make us more Christ-like, which is why Catholics believe marriage is a sacrament: It is a means of grace in our lives, calling us outside of ourselves and making us holy. In this way, marriage is one tool that God uses to transform us into our intended selves.

Yet this aspect of marriage is easy to forget. Given how many women pine for a man who will “love them just the way they are,” it’s easy to believe that is the goal of marriage. From that particular perspective, marriage is ultimately about you and your own happiness, not about God or the world you live in.

Interestingly, the romantic, Prince Charming-involved conceptions of marriage are relatively modern. Although the Bible contains Song of Solomon, a beautiful and passionate love story that ends in marriage, most ancient marriages were not of the romantic variety. They were contracts, deals brokered between families that had little to do with love and more to do with financial provision.

For a different kind of Biblical love story, consider Hosea. Hosea was a prophet who God ordered to marry a prostitute. His wife, Gomer, left him multiple times and fathered children with other men, but Hosea did not leave her. Why? Because God commanded Hosea to keep pursuing Gomer and to remain faithful to her. If anyone had an excuse to leave the marriage it was Hosea, but instead he stayed as an act of obedience.

What is significant about this latter story is that Hosea’s marriage was not about attraction. Hosea did not, initially, seem to love Gomer at all. If anything, Hosea was probably disgusted at the idea of marrying her. This was no Redeeming Love.

However, Hosea’s marriage wasn’t about his love for Gomer as much as it was his love for God. His marriage was to be a symbol of the Israelites’ unfaithfulness to God. Like Gomer, Israel had rejected her one true love and whored herself out to false idols. Even so, God had remained faithful to Israel through it all, and now Israel had a flesh and blood visual of her betrayal, displayed in the life of Hosea.

As strange as Hosea’s predicament may sound, Christian marriage is not altogether different. Like Hosea, our marriages are a symbol of God’s relationship with us. Like Hosea, Christian marriage is a faint echo of the unconditional love we have in God. For a world that struggles to grasp such an abstract idea, Christian marriage is a compelling visual. Marriage inspires a collective imagination that can’t conceive of a love like God’s.

Along those lines, Hosea’s marriage is also similar to Christian marriage in that we are called to marital faithfulness as an act of faithfulness to God. Marriage is not, ultimately, about attraction or happiness but about becoming more like Christ. Like Christ, we love our spouses and persevere with them, not because it’s easy but because we are modeling the love of God when we do. When my husband is unlovable and I love him anyway, my marriage is an echo of Christ’s unconditional and sometimes illogical love for the world.

I was struck by that truth after re-reading Hosea this week. It’s easy to gauge my marriage according to how my husband and I are getting along, and Hosea’s example reorients me toward a higher standard. Hosea and Gomer did not get along at all! Yet Hosea stayed, and I find his dedication is a rather challenging indictment of the common approach to marriage today.

Happiness is a blessed by-product of marriage, but holiness and patience and love for the world–personal transformation that conforms us to the heart of God–that is the purpose of marriage. It is a lesson that is hard-learned over time, but we will certainly be better for it.

Final Note: Whenever I write on this topic I think it’s necessary to highlight an important exception to my above words. In the case of abuse, the principles of marital perseverance are different. Whether you choose to remain married or not, please do not enable your abuser by continually putting yourself in danger.

This is a little weird to admit, but for the majority of my adult life I gave almost no thought to a very particular section of the tenth commandment. Until recently, I read through the tenth commandment as if one part of it was not even there. It was that irrelevant to me. In case you need a refresher, the tenth commandment can be found in Exodus 20:17 and it reads,

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

Reading over it now, it’s a little funny that there was only one thing I ignored in this passage, given that the contextual application is so different from ours today. I don’t covet oxen or donkeys, and I certainly don’t want servants. However, those are not the segments I’m referring to. The particular instruction I ignored for years on end was the caution against coveting your neighbor’s spouse.

In order to understand why I ignored it, I need to explain that I wasn’t willfully disobeying it, nor was I making a statement about the authority of Scripture. The reason I overlooked it is that I was single until I was 28. For the bulk of my life I was focused on nice, single men to date and marry, not married ones. The idea of coveting another woman’s husband was not only icky but didn’t even make sense to me.

However, I didn’t give this instruction much thought after I got married either. I had been single for 28 years so coveting another person’s husband was the last thing on my mind. I was just glad to have a husband at all!

Looking back, I was naive to write off this commandment so casually. Even if I didn’t struggle with it at the time, there is a reason this teaching appears in the Ten Commandments. It’s not a relic of the past and it’s certainly not a unique temptation to perverts. On the contrary, coveting another’s spouse is a real and common temptation, one I have reflected on more soberly in recent months.

The first time I ever gave this temptation some real thought was when Ike and I had been married long enough to experience the occasional rough patch. Now I want to preface what I’m about to say by noting that I am madly in love with my husband and I thank God every day for him. I am TRULY blessed by the man that he is and how he cares for me.

Even so, we are both sinners which means we have conflict from time to time, and it is during these tough spots when I start to play the comparison game. For example, if Ike and I fuss at each other before joining another couple for dinner, I later find myself comparing our marriage to our friends’. I look at how kindly and gently my friend’s husband treats her and I feel envious, perhaps even a little covetous.

The next time this temptation came to my attention was at church a few months ago. During the service we watched a video listing temptations or struggles we may need to confess. Among the items listed was the question, “When you get ready for church in the morning, are you dressing for someone else’s spouse?”

Gradually I have come to realize that this temptation is a common one. Unfortunately, I have almost never heard it discussed. I’m not sure if people simply feel weird talking about it or if they’re a little embarrassed, but it’s an important conversation to have. Especially given that more and more women are initiating extra-marital affairs. 

If this is a temptation with which you find yourself struggling, I would encourage you to confess it to a trustworthy girl friend and ask her to hold you accountable. As we work to guard our marriages, that transparency is a must. But when we’re alone in our thoughts feeling dissatisfied and ungrateful with what God has given us, how should we respond?

Since this post is getting a little lengthy, I’ve decided to break it up into two parts. In the next section I’m going to take a look at the underlying issues of this commandment and what it means for our every day lives. In the mean time, I want to reiterate my earlier encouragement to start talking! As women who are prone to competition, we resist confessing our jealousies because it makes us appear weak or inferior. It disturbs the carefully constructed illusion that we have it all together. But that trend has got to stop. Clearly, jealousy and covetousness is so spiritually dangerous as to be include in a the Ten Commandments so we need to take the necessary steps to fight it. I hope you will.

Well it’s almost mid-May in Chicago which, I am learning, means that Spring is finally  starting to peek out from under the frozen tundra. It’s not in full bloom, mind you, but there are some flowers here and there and I finally put away my down coat until next winter.

In case you were wondering, I really miss North Carolina.

As Ike and I mark our first successful survival of an Illinois winter, we have both concluded that we don’t like the winter at all, but for two very different reasons. For me, it’s the length that’s a killer. I was fine back in January when it was 4 degrees outside, but when it’s late April and still in the 30′s? That’s not right at all. Ike, on the other hand, doesn’t mind the cold. In fact, he prefers it to the humid summer heat. What he doesn’t like about the winters is that it transforms his wife into a shapeless amoeba of winter wear.

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but suffice it to say that he likes my figure and was frustrated by the fact that I was bundled up all the time. Indoors or outdoors, I was consistently covered in wool or long underwear. Not exactly every man’s dream.

This seasonal development led to some interesting conversations between the two of us, which then led to some great conversations with my girl friends. While it is generally accepted that women should try to dress and look good for their husbands, we don’t often talk about why that is, and the potential pitfalls in such a blanket statement. So that’s what I want to address today. As a Christian woman, how should I think through dressing, exercising, wearing makeup, etc. for my husband?

There have been a lot of books written on this topic, explaining that men are “visual” and women need to “speak their husband’s love language” and on and on and on. I don’t altogether disagree with those reasons but they’re a bad place to start. Every person’s understanding of beauty is culturally constructed and can, at times, be in conflict with God’s design for creation. Of course it is impossible to extract ourselves entirely from our culture, but there is a better place to begin this conversation than with the moving target of male desires and expectations.

That said, the optimal foundation for this discussion is found in the marriage between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:25). When it comes to the touchy subject of women and appearance, the model of Christ and his Bride is a really beautiful and healthy example. From this relationship we learn two things:

1. Christ’s love for the church is not based on works. Christians do nothing to “earn” God’s acceptance and love. We don’t need to pretty ourselves up or get our lives in order first. We can come just as we are and be loved unconditionally. Similarly, a wife should never use her looks to earn her husband’s love and attention. Appearance should not be a bribe or a hook to hold onto his affection. If you find yourself getting dolled up for fear of losing your husband’s interest, there is a problem. This type of fear has no place in the relationship between Christ and the church, nor should it in marriage.

Before I move to the second point, let me add a final thought here. In addition to adorning ourselves out of insecurity, women sometimes justify vanity under the guise of serving our husbands. I am totally guilty of this! I know my husband likes me to look good so I fully indulge my vanity, going so far as to count it godly since it is done for the sake of my marriage. It is so easy to let sins in the back door of pretended holiness!

2. Christ does not require but inspires good works. Although good works are not necessary for salvation, James 2 reminds us that faith without works is dead. James made that statement with the knowledge that a true follower of Christ, one who has been captured by his love and has committed their lives to him, will show it. Not out of obligation but inspiration.

In the same way, a callous heart towards a husband’s desires speaks volumes about the relationship. On the one hand, it could indicate that her husband is not loving her well. She may have been hardened by neglect or insecurity. However, some fault might also lie in her heart. For instance, I’ll admit there are days when I resent men who want their wives to look good for them. It can feel like an oppressive extension of an already perverted culture. Yet my reaction isn’t altogether fair. Many men have reasonable expectations of their wives. They don’t want their wives to look like Barbie dolls–they simply want to celebrate their wives’ beauty.

In a healthy Christian marriage it is good for your husband to delight in your body. And as a response to his love and commitment, it is good to take care of your body and allow him that delight. This mostly means being healthy, but it can also mean asking your husband about his preferences in what you wear and how you dress. Not because you have to earn his attention, and not because he won’t love you otherwise, but because you love him. It is a decision made with the same freedom we have to serve Christ.

Outward appearance is indeed a sticky issue given the ways in which our culture so heavily distorts beauty. But the solution is not to reject all outward forms of beauty anymore than it is to give into them. What matters is that your body is a means for loving your husband, loving yourself, and most importantly loving God. Christian husbands and wives know they are closest to this goal when their service to one another mirrors the love we see in Christ.

Soon after Ike and I got engaged my dad presented us with two books: His Needs Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley, and The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I had already read parts of The Five Love Languages, so we decided to start with His Needs Her Needs (which we really enjoyed and I highly recommend!). Only last week did Ike and I crack open The Five Love Languages and read it cover to cover.

In case you’re unfamiliar with this classic book on marriage, it is founded on the premise that there are five primary ways to express and receive love from others: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Although most of us like to show and receive love in all five “languages,” most individuals gravitate toward one in particular. For instance, my primary love language is words of affirmation, which means that I feel most loved when Ike affirms me verbally. It also means that I am most likely to show him love by affirming him.

However, your spouse is likely to have a different love language than you, so the key is to discover one another’s love languages and express love to them according to their own inclination. My husband, for example, is a big quality time guy, so as much as I praise him and affirm him it doesn’t mean quite as much as my time and attention.

I knew all of this prior to reading the book, but upon reading it this week I made an interesting realization: Before getting married, I had diagnosed my primary love language incorrectly. As I already mentioned, I had read parts of the book before and I was very familiar with the categories. My misdiagnosis had nothing to do with a misunderstanding of the terms. Instead, I had misunderstood myself.

You see, when I was dating Ike I felt very frustrated in the “physical touch” department. I had concluded, mistakenly, that my primary love language was physical touch because it felt like the most passionate expression of my love. It also came easiest. And so I felt incredibly frustrated. Since Ike and I were committed to keeping our relationship pure, there were certain lines we could not cross. As a result, I was discouraged that I could not express love to Ike in the way that, I thought, came most natural to me.

Two years later, I now see that physical touch is NOT my love language. Of course, one glance at my platonic friendships would have made this truth painfully clear. I am not a hugger. Hugging people does not come naturally to me. It’s a learned discipline that I have picked up over time because it’s such a wonderful expression of hospitality. But it’s not my comfort zone. I have also never been the girl who likes to braid other girls’ hair or sit real close to people. Don’t get me wrong, I love when Ike holds my hand and I love sitting close to him on the couch. But is it my primary love language? Definitely not.

It turns out that what I thought was an inclination toward physical touch was instead physical attraction. Lust, as you may have noticed, is not one of the five love languages, but it is easy to confuse with physical touch.

I share all of this as a piece of retrospective insight to my readers who are currently in dating relationships. Whether or not you gravitate towards the love language of physical touch, I hope you can avoid making the same mistake I did by confusing the emotional exhilaration of physical attraction with a studied understanding of love and communication, or an honest assessment of yourself.

In addition to that point, I want to close with a lesson my dad shared with me when he gave me the book. Not only did he find it helpful for his marriage with my mom, but he also felt that the five love languages are a reflection of the five ways Jesus loved others. Jesus spoke words of love and affirmation to his disciples; he spent quality time with his followers, eating with them and listening to their hearts; he served his disciples by washing their feet and ultimately dying for their sins; he presented his followers with the gift of his presence; and lastly, he touched the untouchables.

My dad was right. Jesus exemplified all five love languages, which means we are to do the same. It also means that while these five love languages are typically discussed within the context of romance, we should also love our neighbors and our enemies according to the breadth of these five, just as Christ did. For Christians who are single, dating or married, that is a wonderful challenge for us all!