A lot of Christian leaders have been talking about sex lately. The publicity has generated a great deal of conversation–some good, some not so good–as Christians continue to learn about godly sexuality and its proper place in the Christian life.

As important as it is to have these conversations and to seek greater understanding, these discussions can also present a bit of a challenge to single people. When Christians talk about sex in the same way as non-Christians–namely by elevating it to the position of a basic necessity and touting its nirvana-like pleasure–I am not sure we are serving single Christians in their call to chastity.

This week, Matthew Lee Anderson wrote a terrific article for Christianity Today about this community component to our language about sex. In it he addressed the contribution that singles bring to these discussions when he wrote:

Just as importantly, learning how sexuality is a community concern gives a voice to those who are frequently ignored when the topic arises: those who are single, and especially singles who may be called to that state. It’s paradoxical, of course, to think that those who might never have sex have something to teach the married about it. But within the community of the church, single people have an indispensible role in reminding the married that for all its joys and pleasures, life without sex is not one of drudgery or disappointment.

The perspective Anderson offers here is a great reminder of how lop-sided our conversations about sex will become if we exclude particular voices in the church. When married couples alone are the key leaders and thinkers on this issue, it is possible that we can develop an understanding of sex that is somewhat distorted.

For instance, in our exaltation of sex and its many benefits, great sex is sometimes described as a reward for godly married couples. Some of this logic comes from married couples who regret their past sexual impurity and the baggage it brought into their marriage. They wish they had waited and they encourage young Christians to make different choices. In addition to these testimonies, married Christians who enjoy sex appeal to it as a primary motivator for right behavior. Some teachers promise that abstinence prior to marriage is a guarantee of great married sex. If you can wait it out, it will be worth it.

To be sure, sex before marriage can result in a lot of baggage. Sin always has consequences, a principle that is repeatedly emphasized in the book of Proverbs. Likewise, righteousness undoubtedly bears fruits.

However, the logic behind this approach to abstinence has a number of problems. First, it’s simply not true. Abstinence does not guarantee good sex. Just before my husband walked into the church on our wedding day, my pastor said to him, “Prepare to have the worst sex of your life.” By this he meant that no one is a pro at first. For a lot of married couples, sex has a slow learning curve and it takes time to really enjoy it. For most people, it’s not mind-blowing the first time–or the 20th.

Add to that learning curve the component of personal hang-ups. Some Christians struggle to transition from abstinence to having regular sex. Many women are insecure about their bodies and have trouble being intimate. For other women it is physically painful, and for some men the drive isn’t always there.

Contrary to television, sex is complicated and each couple’s sexual relationship will have its own unique challenges. Fortunately, in marriage we have our whole lives to learn about one another, to trust one another, and to grow with one another in this area. Even when a couple struggles with their sexual relationship, that commitment to struggle together is part of the beauty of sex.

Returning to the logic of reward for abstinence, there is an additional problem with it that goes beyond it’s logistical fallacies: The purpose of abstinence is not to have great sex. The purpose of abstinence is to honor God with our bodies. Our bodies do not belong to us but to God alone, so we are to live as stewards of our God-given bodies prior to marriage and within the bonds of marriage.

Toward that end, sex is an echo of the great and mysterious relationship between Christ and the church. When we join ourselves to another in sexual intimacy, we reflect the perfect intimacy between God and His people. That is our created purpose, and that is the proper category in which sex belongs, before anything else.

All of that to say, sex is not an ultimate good. When married couples speak as though it is we set singles up to feel bitter toward God for withholding such an ultimate blessing. We also tempt singles to treat sex the way the culture does–as a basic right that they should not be expected to live without.

But the purpose of sex is not to serve ourselves. The created purpose of sex is to reflect the intimacy between Christ and the church within the relationship of Christian marriage.

Let me close by suggesting that contrary to popular opinion, single people should not be dependent upon married people to develop a robust theology of sex. Yes, singles should certainly listen to married couples–otherwise they would be excluding a great majority of teachings from the church. However, the two greatest Christian teachers of all time were both single and that is a tradition we should continue. From Jesus and Paul we know that one does not have to be married to have a godly understanding of sexuality. In fact, we need the voices of single people if we are to understand sexuality properly. And we need single people if we are to conduct these conversations in a way that edifies the entire body, not just married people.

Single brothers and sisters, the church needs you. When it comes to discussions about sex, your voice matters.

As many of you have probably heard, Mark Driscoll and his wfie, Grace, are coming out with a new book called Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. I have not read the book so I will not comment on any of its contents here, but I have heard that it gets into explicit detail about sexual acts and whether or not those acts are permissible.

Driscoll has a track record of frankness about such questions, and if you are interested in reading a great response to the explicit nature of Driscoll’s book, check out Tim Challies’ take here and here. I would especially encourage you to click on that second link, in which Challies responds to Driscoll’s perspective on plastic surgery. Challies said almost everything I would have said on the issue, for which I am very grateful.

So back to Driscoll. Driscoll’s book is just one leg of an interesting discussion about the extent to which Christians should be talking about sex When I first heard about Real Marriage and the issues it takes on, I asked my husband what he thought. His answer surprised me. I expected a knee-jerk rejection but instead he was sympathetic. As he reasoned, people are asking these questions and the church needs to have an answer.

In the above links, Challies wrestles with where to draw the line on that logic. He wonders if there are some topics that are so foul that they don’t deserve a pulpit…or a book. But, Challies concedes, some questions require answers. In that regard, I find myself gravitating toward Challies’ sentiment.

While this topic is one that I continue to think through, I have developed a more concrete opinion on the larger trend of Christians talking about sex. Driscoll’s book is just one aspect of a larger trend in which evangelicals have increasingly embraced explicit conversations about sex. And while I believe there is a time and a place for those conversations (I personally make an exception for friends who are about to get married and need guidance or advice), I also believe we need to handle these conversations with care.

As we think about the nature of marital intimacy and how to discuss it, there are several questions that can guide us: What keeps marital intimacy intimate? Is sex intimate simply because it is an act shared between two people alone? Or is more required?

I tend to believe that marital intimacy, to be truly intimate, must be about more than fidelity. Like intimacy with God, marital intimacy goes beyond what we do. For instance, spiritual fidelity–ie. reading your Bible, praying, and going to church–is not enough to be intimate with God. There is also a heart component to the equation. Intimacy with God is not achieved by the mere doing of a faithful act, but it is part of a larger context that includes intentionality, love, discipline, and worship.

Likewise, sexual intimacy with a spouse is not merely a fun extracurricular activity we get to indulge in with our spouses and then brag about later. It goes beyond monogamy. It is an intentional act by which we become close with our spouse on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level. Although sex is, by its very nature, intimate, a lack of intentionality, love, relationship, and esteem for the other can very well detract from that intimacy.

But returning to the question of talk about sex–and here I mean divulging personal details about your own sexual relationship to other people–this is dangerous territory. It is particularly dangerous when it comes to men. Given how visual men are, I cannot help but wonder about the visual images that come to mind when a man describes his sex life to other men. Even when avoiding the details, I wonder if men are tempted to fill in those visual gaps on their own, which cannot be honoring to either man’s wife.

Over-sharing about one’s sexual life, even without great detail, is a way of inviting other people into your bedroom. Because of this reality, we need to exercise caution when it comes to talk about sex. Not because sex is dirty, but because God designed it to be intimate.

Much of the sex-talk trend is an over-reaction to a long established stigma attached to sex. Sex was viewed as dirty and coarse, and Christians wanted to reclaim the goodness and beauty of sex. I applaud that effort. However, sex is designed for marriage alone, which means there is something about sex that reflects the intimacy between Christ and the church. There is something sacred and even worshipful about sex, and our language needs to reflect that theological truth. I am not sure that all of our talk about sex these days is of the holy kind, but we should aim for it to be.

As a Christian I have my fair share of non-Christian entertainment outlets. I listen to public radio podcasts, I watch 30 Rock, I read books on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I really love the Disney channel (no, I don’t have kids…I watch it for myself).

I really enjoy each one of these outlets and I believe that, in a lot of ways, they help me to stay connected with the culture. They also inform my thinking. However as a result of not living under a rock, I also run into a lot of secular entertainment that is totally ridiculous and frequently offensive. Almost every day I want to climb on a soap box and lecture people on t.v. about how they’re being irresponsible adults and teaching pluralistic gibberish to impressionable young minds. I could probably have a blog devoted solely to that end.

But I don’t want to be that kind of Christian. Or that kind of teacher. Which is why I try to avoid writing blogs that constantly talk about how awful the world is and the immorality that Hollywood is espousing. There are a lot of other Christians writing that sort of thing, and I don’t think the internet needs another blog like that.

With that whole background in mind, I’ve been wrestling with the subject of this particular post. In the spirit of my personal blogging commitments, I don’t want this to turn into one of those “Aren’t we so much better and smarter than the world around us!” blogs, but I do want to express something that’s been on my mind. So as I proceed, know that that’s my heart.

Ok!

So a couple weeks ago I happened upon a music video performed by a teen star  (who will remain nameless) who is currently attempting to shed her squeaky clean image. The transition has come in gradual stages–each new video in the past year has been a little bit racier than the one before it. Each one has made me just a little bit uncomfortable, but the most recent one left me feeling like a disappointed mom.

The disappointment was not, however, related to what you’re probably thinking. I was disappointed in her lack of originality. She is not the first, nor will she be the last young woman who feels that the best way to express herself as an adult is through sexuality. And to me, this points to a startling lack of imagination in the arts. Will the truly original, budding female singer please stand up? Because all I see is the same played out story, over and over and over again.

In an age where 13 years olds are “sexting” naked pictures of themselves to their boyfriends and Ivy League students are more proud of their sexual exploits on campus than their academic accomplishments, young women seem to think the primary way to establish themselves as powerful, competent adults is in the way they use their bodies. To young women everywhere, sexuality equals maturity, which is why countless young actresses and singers take this route. Any inkling that mature adulthood has to do with the mind and the soul, not the body, seems to be off the radar.

As an adult, I can say with total certainty that sexuality has nothing to do with maturity. Anyone can be sexual. Not everyone can be mature. With that in mind, Christians need to have a more robust understanding of maturity and adulthood as we teach younger generations how to grow into women of God. We need to articulate personal growth in a way that goes far beyond moral versus immoral, considering instead what is wise versus foolish and what is true strength versus insecurity. We need to be ready with a compelling, thoughtful alternative to the powerful messages that young women are consuming on t.v.

What is that alternative?

To answer this question we need to first identify what immaturity looks like. I think it is best summarized by Ephesians 4:14: “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching…” Immaturity is most notably marked by a lack of stability in the self. An immature woman doesn’t know who she is or doesn’t feel confident about herself, so she is a slave to that search. She does things to get attention, she tends to be selfish and self-absorbed, and she can only mimic those she admires, all because she doesn’t have a clear vision of who God created her to be. As a result, she is “tossed back and forth” by the waves of many different influences–the need to be liked and accepted, societal standards of beauty and success, etc. In this way, an inappropriate use of one’s sexuality reveals not empowerment, but bondage.

Maturity, on the other hand, is a state of being anchored. A mature woman rests in a posture of stability, able to analyze and reject the unhealthy influences around her instead of being rocked by them. As a Christian, she knows who she is in Christ and she knows what her purpose is, so she is able to operate out of that place of strength. She is not a slave to others or her surrounding cultural standards. And because she is not preoccupied with herself, she has the freedom to look outside of herself–not for affirmation, but to affirm and care for others.

Now I know that, according to those definitions, NONE of us is fully mature. Ephesians 4:13 equates full maturity with the “fullness of Christ,” a goal none of us will reach this side of eternity. Maturity is a lifelong pursuit that often has nothing to do with age (I know people in their early 20′s who are much mature than people in their 60′s!). There is a definite spectrum, but within the bounds of the church that spectrum is measured in relation to Christ. As Christians, the key to maturity is found in Christ. The more we anchor ourselves in him, the better able we are to resist the waves that threaten to toss us about. That, not sexuality or even the ability to vote, is the true sign of maturity. And that is a message that we should not only be teaching our daughters, but women of all ages.

Last week I was directed to a blog post written by a single woman about her struggle to live without physical intimacy in her life. Not only was the post refreshingly transparent, but it was also a helpful reminder to me as a now married woman. I still remember sitting in a Bible study full of married women, myself a single woman, as each member of the group bemoaned the chore of having sex with her husband. When they turned to me and apologized, “Oh sorry, Sharon! You must feel so awkward right now!” I replied, “Actually, I’m trying to figure out what you all are complaining about.”

It’s easy to take the comforts of marriage for granted. It’s also easy to forget the great struggles of being single. I hope the following excerpt will be an encouragement to those who find yourself at in the same place as the author. I also hope it will serve as an important reminder to those of us who seek to love you.

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In our culture it seems ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ when women desire sex as a means to emotional intimacy.  But no one believes that a woman could struggle with the purely physical.  So, I’ll go ahead and put this blog out there just in case it might be an encouragement.  This struggle has provided for me the biggest challenge and deepest ‘suffering’ of singleness.

I believe that one day, I will look at my life and say with confidence that the single greatest blessing I have experienced of singleness has been pain of learning to live without physical intimacy.

Part of why it’s been so painful is it is probably the struggle that has confused me most.  It’s been (and is) a pretty hard sell to get my body on board with the idea that I’m not missing out on what I was created for.  It’s challenging to not feel entitled.  And in a moment of absolute vulnerability, it’s one of the things that has made it the hardest to trust my sweet and faithful God.  And in some ways – in dark and frightened places – I feel forgotten and betrayed and confused.

Because I know He knows me. I know He knows my body and my heart and I know He designed and wired this desire inside of me in the same way He wired my belly to grumble slightly around 11:02 AM.  My hunger is designed to prompt me to eat.  And so I do.  And yet, my Father has told me that when I am hungry in this sense I must trust Him and not find food for myself.  And He has seen fit not to give me any guarantee that this hunger will ever be satisfied.

There is pain.  There is pain in watching my friends be fed one after another with the thing I feel like I need the most.  There is pain in facing each morning with the knowledge that today there will be no daily bread for this hunger.  There is pain as I sit, feeling as though I am starving to death, and listen to my married friends try to explain to me that eating is overrated. [Emphasis added]

And the truth is: this is the biggest blessing of my life.

You know what it makes me think about?  Fasting.  Fasting is strange.  I think it’s weird that God is about physical fasting.  It involves a need that is seemingly purely physical.

When I am lonely, I ultimately want God.  When I am sad, only God can bring true joy.  When I am afraid, it points me to the promises of God.  When I feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, alone, in all these needs, God alone will bring true and lasting peace.

But, when I’m hungry, I want a cheeseburger and some fries.

Physical desires seemingly terminate on physical things.  And that’s the beauty of fasting.  God commands us to fast, not so that He can prove He is as good as a cheeseburger by making our hunger go away. God commands us to fast so that we learn to feel hungry and trust Him in the midst of that gnawing sense of need.

The goal of fasting is not for God to remove our hunger, but for us to learn that in the midst of hunger He is trustworthy.  The feeling of hunger is the point of the fast.  God wants us to feel hunger so that we are reminded that we are not supposed to be satisfied and we are supposed to long for Him.  We fast to reflect that we trust God regardless of what our bodies tell us.  He is our authority, not our bodies.

Today, my body wants something tangible and physical.  My body doesn’t know that God will satisfy all my needs.  It just wants what it was made to have.  And today, I don’t get to have that.  And so the line is drawn in the sand and the challenge is made.  Today, what will be my source of truth?  Who will be the one who determines what I need?  My body?  Or my God?  Who knows my needs better?  Me or Jesus?  When I feel so clearly what I ‘need’, will I trust Him that there is a greater need?  Will I learn to be hungry so that I can trust Him in hunger, not just in plenty?

There is no area in my life that makes me more likely to doubt the promises of God than this area.  I have told friends through tears that many days I do not feel like I have everything I need for life and godliness because of this.  I do not know how I am going to persevere in light of my hunger and in light of my Father’s gracious call to purity.

And so, this pain, more than anything else will teach me to trust.  Each day, as the sun goes down and I still find myself securely held in the arms of the Father, my faith is built.    He doesn’t promise to give me everything I need to never be hungry.  He promises to give me everything I need to not starve to death on the road home to Him.  And today I’m alive; He has proved Himself faithful.  He doesn’t promise to give me everything I need to never ever falter.  He promises to give me everything I need to finish this race.  And today I love Him; He has proved Himself faithful.  He will finish the good work He began in me.  There is only one thing I really need.  And it is secure.

To read the rest of this post, click here.

As a newlywed who has witnessed many marriages in my parents’ generation dissolve, I entered into marriage with a small degree of anxiety. Although my parents have been married for over 30 years and I thoroughly trust my husband, one never ceases to hear stories about pastors and other respectable men who one day reveal that their entire lives have been a lie. In an instant, everything their wives had known was shattered. That terrifies me.

However, I’ve noticed an equally startling as well as puzzling trend among married couples my age. At this stage in life, I already have a number of friends whose marriages have ended in divorce, but not because of the men. Within my own circle of acquaintances, every single instance has been a result of the wife’s decision to exit the marriage. Whether she was unfaithful or simply felt trapped, I have been shocked by the number of women who have chosen divorce relatively early in their marriages.

What has been even more startling is that their husbands were good men. This isn’t always the case, of course, but many of these women left husbands who were godly, faithful men. Any woman would consider herself lucky to have a husband like them. So what’s the deal? Whereas men seem more prone to have affairs in conjunction with a mid-life crisis, why are so many women leaving their husbands at such an early age?

I did a little research on this topic to find out if my experience is unique, but it’s not. Psychology Today estimates that while 50-70% of men have affairs, 30-60% of women do as well. A separate study published in the New York Times reported that this number is particularly on the rise amidst young women: In new marriages, about 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under 35 have admitted to cheating. So while infidelity is stereotypically attributed to men, statistics indicate otherwise. What is unclear is the reason behind these rising numbers.

The New York Times article offered several possibilities. Due to past cultural pressures, it’s possible that women have always been as equally unfaithful as men but were more likely to lie about it until now. Others speculate that as the number of women in the workforce increases, the late nights in the office provide opportunities for temptation that women never before had. Even women who do stay at home have the added temptation of internet, e-mail and text messaging.

While researchers have yet to establish a conclusive consensus about these “early exits,” I have my own theory. Based on my own experience in marriage thus far, I suspect it’s a result of several cultural influences. To begin, women grow up absorbing unrealistic stories about fairy tale romance from movies, t.v. shows and books. However, these romantic fantasies never provide us with a glimpse of the “happily ever after.” We see the pursuit and the climax, but then the movie ends.

As a result, we enter marriage subconsciously expecting that the same hot pursuit will define the rest of our lives…only to quickly realize that it doesn’t. Even six months into my own marriage I find myself sighing as I watch movies like the Notebook. There’s a part of me that’s sad I’ll no longer experience the newness of love and the hot passion of that initial stage. My husband is incredible and he pursues me every day, but it’s different now. There’s a small part of me that misses that.

Compound that disappointment with the very real challenges of marriage and every day life, along with a culture in which divorce is pretty normal. The result? Young women suspect they got married too quickly. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!” they think. “I must have married the wrong guy!” Either that, or they suddenly feel they’re missing out on the passion and romance of their single friends. No more exciting first dates. No more thrill-of-the-chase.

And so they feel trapped. That word, “trapped,” has been the common denominator among the young women I’ve known to leave their husbands. She thought she knew what she was signing up for, but then she got married and felt she’d been duped. She felt stuck and she needed a way out. Then a handsome co-worker or family friend caught her eye…

Perhaps I’m totally wrong, but this “theory” is based off of my own battle with the culture’s influence on my expectations. I never realized how powerfully my understanding of romance had been shaped by media until I actually got married.

While psychologists and sociologists are still unclear about the cause for this growing trend, there are two ways in which we can go ahead and be on the defensive when it comes to fighting for our marriages:

1. Be discerning about the messages the culture is feeding you. Romantic movies may seem innocent enough, but be wise to the ways in which they are shaping your expectations of marriage. If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you know that I think about this stuff ALL the time and it has STILL affected me. It’s hard to resist getting swept up in fanciful dreams about what your life should be, all the while sabotaging the life you actually have. Marriage is a blessing and a gift, but we ruin it by imposing unnatural expectations upon it.

2. Don’t forget your Heavenly Lover. Even in the best marriages, it’s not all romance and steam. Some days you feel ordinary and plain, and your husband may not pursue you the way he did when you were courting. So on those days when you feel trapped, or at the very least forgotten about, remember that you have a Father in Heaven who never stops being enthralled by you. His extravagant loves puts the Notebook to shame. No one knows you as intimately, loves you as unconditionally, and will ever sacrifice more for you than Him. No man will ever pursue you as consistently or perfectly as God, so let Him be your satisfaction on the days when you might be tempted to look elsewhere.

Regardless of whether you are single or married, it’s time that we start talking about the fact that more and more women are sabotaging their marriages through infidelity. Women are just as likely to be tempted as men, so we must be on our guard against it. None of us is any safer than the woman next to us. Let’s be realistic about that fact, and pray for grace and wisdom all the while.

Another one of the most popular blogs I’ve posted was called “Sleeping Over: The Latest Trend in Christian Sketchiness.” This particular post has garnered a lot of attention because it addresses a widespread practice that is rarely discussed by Christian teachers. While some people have disagreed with my stance, I have to say that my experience in the last six months of marriage has affirmed my pre-marriage position (I initially wrote this long before I was married). This is a really important topic that I hope single Christians will carefully consider!

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space.

The other day I ran across some interesting research on cohabitation that reveals a funny discrepancy between our culture’s beliefs about family and the reality of American families: While countless studies indicate that cohabitation is undeniably detrimental to marriage, nearly half of Americans believe cohabitation is actually good for marriage and reduces the risk of divorce. (USA Today/Gallup Poll)

To be honest I was not surprised by this disparity between belief and reality. I know a lot of people, including Christians, who moved in together for a myriad of “good” reasons. And like the statistics, very few of those relationships actually worked out. Either the relationship fell apart, or they got engaged but never set a wedding date and remained in an endless holding pattern. The few who did get married had some unusually tough first years of marriage.

What is frustrating to me is the culture’s inexplicable naiveté on the subject. If you ever get bored one afternoon and feel like trolling the internet for studies on this topic, you will be SHOCKED by how many studies, secular and religious alike, have found that cohabitation is bad for people and bad for marriage. Yet our culture persists in it, blindly exalting cohabitation as the wisest and most progressive new development on the relationship scene.

In the face of this worrying persistence, I put together the top 5 myths that our culture has about cohabitation, and what studies have told us about them:

Myth #1: Cohabitation is a stepping stone to marriage.
Moving in together has become a normal part of most relationships as they progress in seriousness. It is often considered the final step before marriage. However, a 2006 report by the journal Demography found that one-half of all cohabiting unions collapse within a year, and 90 percent within five years.

Myth #2: Cohabitation reduces the risk of divorce.
As I mentioned, 49% of Americans believe cohabitation reduces the risk of divorce, and an additional 13% thought that it made no difference either way. However, a study conducted by psychologist Scott Stanley at the University of Denver found that couples who cohabitate are twice as likely to get divorced as those who do not. Stanley also found that the following factors characterized couples who lived together before marriage:

- More negative communication in marriage
- Lower levels of marital satisfaction
- Higher marital instability
- Lower levels of male commitment to spouse
- Greater likelihood of divorce

A separate study by the Vanier Institute of the Family found that married couples who cohabited before marriage are less sexually exclusive both before and after marriage, and that newly married couples who had cohabited before marriage had much higher rates of domestic violence than those who had not lived together.

Myth #3: Cohabitation is just like marriage.
Though counter-intuitive, cohabitation is actually a lot more like being single than being married. According to a study done by Discovery Health, cohabitation does not reap the same benefits as marriage, which statistically averages better in physical health, wealth and emotional well-being. The study concluded that this difference was due to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples, and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well-being of their partner.

Myth #4: Cohabitation is better than marriage.
It has become more and more common for couples to live together or start families without ever tying the knot. Marriage is often seen as restrictive or out-dated. Others believe that marriage rings the death knell on a satisfying sex life. In response to these reasons, the Population Association of America conducted a study indicating that marriage offers dramatic emotional, financial and even health benefits over the single life and cohabitation. “Cohabitation has some but not all of the benefits of marriage,” said Linda Waite, the association’s president. Her studies show that married couples enjoy better health, more money and more satisfying sex.

Myth #5: Cohabitation makes no difference on children.
In the Gallup Poll study cited above, 47% of respondents felt that cohabitation made no difference to the children living in the home. 12% believed the effects would actually be positive. However, a study by the Vanier Institute found just the opposite. Due to the unstable nature of cohabitation, kids suffer the brunt of the instability, which wreaks havoc on their physical and psychological development. Anne-Marie Ambert, who oversaw the study on this matter, concluded, “Commitment and stability are at the core of children’s needs; yet, in a great proportion of cohabitations, these two requirements are absent.”

These statistics are just the tip of the iceberg. Study after study reveals the same thing, and none of the studies I cited are Christian or religiously based. But while these questions challenge us with undeniable data, they don’t answer the key question of why? What is it about cohabitation that changes the very nature of marriage so dramatically?

There is actually some debate on this. Some social scientists theorize that individuals who are less likely to value relational permanence will opt for cohabitation. However a lot of experts believe the act of cohabitation itself sabotages marriage. One study study published in the American Sociological Review found that periods of cohabitation led to more individualistic attitudes and values, which are contrary to healthy marital attitudes. Another study found “cohabiting experiences significantly increase young people’s acceptance of divorce” by persuading them that “intimate relationships are fragile and temporary in today’s world.”

As the Vanier Institute concluded,

There is some evidence to the effect that the experience of a less secure, committed, and even faithful cohabitation shapes subsequent marital behaviour (Dush et al., 2003). Some couples continue to live their marriage through the perspective of the insecurity, lack of pooling of resources, low commitment level, and even lack of fidelity of their prior cohabitation. Others simply learn to accept the temporary nature of relationships (Smock and Gupta, 2002). The result is a marriage which is at risk (Wu, 2000).

In other words, cohabitation sews the seeds of a mindset that sabotage marriage. Because our society treats cohabitation and marriage as basic equivalents, naive to the reality that they are profoundly different, what results is couples who treat their marriage the way they did their cohabitation.

All of that to say, if you’re thinking about moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend DON’T DO IT!!! Whether you’re wanting to get more serious, wanting to test-run marriage before saying “I do,” or you’re simply motivated by financial reasons, the negatives far out-weigh the positives. And you are not the exception. The statistics show that you are most likely the rule.

In a world where divorce is so rampant, why gamble?

Even though Christians are sometimes seen as backwards or prudish for insisting on traditional marriage, studies like the ones I cited reveal that God-honoring marriage isn’t about legalism or cramping our freedom. God gave us direction for our own protection. He wanted to spare us the heartache and pain that comes with broken relationships. He gave us the resources to build up our marriages and families and make them strong, so use them! Seek to please and honor God in your dating relationship, not because you’re super religious but because you have a Father who loves you, and you know He always has the good of His children in mind.

As a blogger, I sometimes fear that after enough time has passed I will eventually run out of things to say. Thankfully, Oprah has assembled a team of “expert” psychologists who will prevent that from ever happening.

Recently Oprah aired a show covering the topic of how to approach sexually educating your kids. For the first half of this discussion I was totally tracking with her. With the help of sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman, the show revealed how few parents are having this important discussion with their kids, nor are they having it at an earlier enough age. Studies show that 90 percent of O Magazine’s readers (mothers) thought they had had the sex talk with their kids, but when their daughters were asked about this supposed conversation, a large percentage of the girls felt that the conversation had not, in fact, taken place. Another statistic showed that 78% of women think their daughters feel comfortable talking to them about sex, but in reality only 39% of daughters actually do.

The study also revealed that girls aren’t just interested in the dynamics of sex–they want to know about the emotional side of it as well. They want to understand why they are feeling so strongly towards a boy, and why it affects their bodies the way that it does. It is for this and many other reasons that Dr. Berman encourages parents to “arm [their kids] with knowledge that will guide them well into adulthood.”

Up to that point I was TOTALLY with Dr. Berman. She also offered helpful advice about not freaking out over the conversation, not veiling the topic in such intense secrecy that it develops an unhealthy stigma, and other practical tips. I found myself actually appreciating Oprah and the good she was doing for parents and families. Yay Oprah!

Then the show took an unexpected turn..

Dr. Berman explained that only 35% of mothers talk to their daughters about one of the most important aspects of sex–pleasure. She explained, “We need to teach them about pregnancy prevention and STD prevention, but we also have to teach them about the gift that sexuality is.” (Still tracking with her, still on the same page, yes, yes…) So she concludes, “This is why…it’s important to have a big talk with your child when she hits high school about masturbation and orgasms. This is something that’s normal and natural, and if you’re talking to a girl from a young age about this, it’s a natural thing.” (Wait, WHAT?!?)

She later concludes that it’s a good idea to even buy your daughter a vibrator. (Though she qualifies this advice, saying you should only get one that stimulates the outside, not the inside. At this point, I’m not sure why that really matters…??)

So why does Dr. Berman feel that this is an important step for your child? Because “Teaching your daughters to take control of their own pleasure can help them avoid unhealthy sexual experiences. You’re teaching them about their own body and pleasuring themselves and taking the reins of their own sexuality so that they don’t ever have to depend on any other teenage boy to do it for them.”

Now let me back up and say that I agree with Dr. Berman to an extent. Not only should parents do a better job of talking to their kids about sex, but discussing the pleasure aspect is certainly important too. If we talk about sex as if it’s a dark and horrible thing to be avoided at all costs, and then they hear their friends talk about how great it is, who are they going to believe? We risk our credibility when we make sex out to be something that it’s not. It’s enticing for a reason–it feels good, and can be very wonderful. It was, after all, given to us by God.

But vibrators? That’s another matter. The other day I was talking to my pastor’s wife about when she should start having the sex talk with her daughters, and I somehow doubt this is what she had in mind. Now I have heard an argument made for women to explore their bodies (not in a sexual way but in an education way) prior to marriage so that they’re not completely blind-sided on the wedding night, and that makes some sense to me. I can even understand walking your daughter through the parts of her own body so that she knows exactly what’s down there. But teaching her to orgasm so that she isn’t dependent on a man for that pleasure? This is a case of feminism gone completely awry!

It is indeed important for mothers to talk with their daughters–in stages, over time–about their bodies, where babies come from, and the feelings that can arise from sex. It’s also important to explain that that “pleasure” is from God but is designed to occur within the boundaries of marriage. It is then crucial to explain that the reason behind God’s design for sex within marriage is that the “pleasure” of sex can result in emotional attachments that are devastating when they are broken. God wants to save women that heart-brokenness, which is why He wants us to only have sex in marriage.

It is with this God-ordained narrative in mind that Dr. Berman’s advice is clearly destructive. She is trying to help women short-circuit the emotional damage of failed relationships, not by teaching them abstinence or waiting for a guy who respects you, but by avoiding the attachment altogether. If I can get that kind of pleasure on my own, I don’t need a man to fulfill it. This has frightening implications for the future marriages of our country.

Which is why I should also point out that while Dr. Berman’s ideas might work in theory, she speaks as a mother of two very young sons, and not as someone who has seen the consequences of this teaching play out over a 20 year period. It is when these young women reach adulthood, get married, and start families of their own that this counsel will truly be tested. Until then, I would be wary of speaking so authoritatively on an idea that has not stood the test of time. While her intentions are good, and there IS something that mothers can learn from her–namely, that moms need to talk with their daughters EARLY and instill them with a healthy understanding of sex and their bodies–I’m afraid her advice could have devastating long-term effects for the marriages and families of our country.

There is more to abstinence than avoiding pregnancy, STD’s, or merely “staying pure.” In teaching abstinence we instill our children with the principles of faithfulness, perseverance, self-control and self-giving love, principles that enable marriages and families to last. With Dr. Berman’s advice, I fear we will miss the forest for the trees…or in this case, a vibrator.

To read the whole story, click here.

Well my wedding is now 2 days away, which means this is officially my last post until after the honeymoon! I will hopefully have a guest blogger posting while I am gone, so you can check back for that. In the mean time, I thought I would touch on a topic that is at the forefront of my mind: marriage.

Recently Christianity Today published an article entitled “The Case for Early Marriage” in which sociologist Mark Regerus explores the reasons behind such rampant pre-marital sex amidst evangelicalism (80% of church-going Christians, in fact!). Given how long young people are waiting to get married these days, Regenerus claims that it should come as no surprise. God created us in such a way that during our 20′s we are often at a sexual peak, yet a large percentage of Christians are not providing themselves with the God-given outlet for dealing with that drive.

To read the whole article, you can check it out here, but Al Mohler also posted a great blog in which he processed the implications of the article, which you can check out here. In his summary of the article, Mohler writes,

“Regnerus understands that many evangelical parents and pastors are most likely to respond to this reality with the reflex mechanism of an even greater emphasis upon sexual abstinence. Nevertheless, the data reveal that the majority of evangelical young people — most of whom have been targeted for years with messages of sexual abstinence — are engaging in sexual intercourse before marriage.

Evangelicals tend to marry slightly earlier than other Americans, but not by much. Many of them plan to marry in their mid-20s.Yet waiting for sex until then feels far too long to most of them. And I am suggesting that when people wait until their mid-to-late 20s to marry, it is unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex. It’s battling our Creator’s reproductive designs.”

Now I find this conclusion to be absolutely fascinating. On one level, it makes total sense! The longer you wait the more you really are tempting fate, especially if you date multiple people or are engaged in long-term relationships.

The only problem is that most women I know aren’t exactly putting off marriage to the last possible second. Most Christian women would love to get married but don’t have the option. And Regenerus takes note of this saying,

“There are about three single women for every two single men….If [a woman] decides to marry, one in three women has no choice but to marry down in terms of Christian maturity. Given this unfavorable ratio, and the plain fact that men are, on average, ready for sex earlier in relationships than women are, many young Christian women are being left with a dilemma: either commence a sexual relationship with a decent, marriage-minded man before she would prefer to—almost certainly before marriage—or risk the real possibility that, in holding out for a godly, chaste, uncommon man, she will wait a lot longer than she would like. Plenty will wait so long as to put their fertility in jeopardy. By that time, the pool of available men is hardly the cream of the crop—and rarely chaste.”

Mohler adds to this point explaining,

“Men often delay marriage believing that they can always marry when ever they are “ready.” Meanwhile, their evangelical sisters are often very ready for marriage, even as they watch their prospects for both marriage and fertility falling.

All of this points to the fact that the delay of marriage has far more to do with the patterns of life adopted by many, if not most, evangelical young men, rather than those chosen by young women. Yet, at the same time, the parents of both young men and young women can, by either intention or default, make it difficult for their children to marry.”

So what’s a girl to do? Unfortunately neither Regenerus nor Mohler offer much short-term comfort for women who feel trapped in this situation, but they are stepping up and calling men to task, and there is some encouragement in that.

However, that leaves me with two nagging questions:

1. To all you single guys out there, do you really feel as though you or your Christian brothers are engaging in this delayed maturity, putting off marriage in an unnatural way? Honestly, I’m not sure if I know a lot of guys like that. Most of my single guy friends would love to get married, but just haven’t found the right girl yet. From the single girls’ perspectives it seems like you’re dragging your feet, but are you really?

2. OR, are you possibly being too picky? And that leads me to my second question–Is it wise or foolish to encourage early marriage? In a climate of such sweeping divorce rates, I’m not quite sure. Both Mohler and Regerus seem to believe that guys ARE being too picky, and that while marriage is indeed hard work, it’s still very doable with a solid Christian woman. The emphasis is less on marrying the right person and more on building a strong marital foundation. This struck me as somewhat foreign given the battle evangelicals having been waging in defense of the family. A teaching that urges young people to hurry up and get married seems almost irreconcilable with the enormous evangelical emphasis on prudence.

But then again, maybe it’s not. Perhaps one of the reasons so many marriages fail is because people are having sex before marriage. They are sealing habits of promiscuity and lack of self-control, habits that can altogether undermine a marriage. In pre-marital sex, young people are setting themselves up for all kinds of marital problems, regardless of whether or not they find that perfect person. Maybe that’s what Regenerus and Mohler are getting at.

That is a tough call to make, but I would be interested to hear your thoughts, especially from you guys out there.

And with that, I am signing off. The next time I post I will be Sharon Hodde Miller!

Last week I wrote about Bishop Jefferts Schori of the Episcopal Church, and her denunciation of “personal relationships with Christ” at their General Conference. Though I only alluded to it in that post, there was a second controversial element to the conference, and that was the Church’s decision to ordain homosexuals into the priesthood.

Now I am by no means trying to pick on the Episcopal Church by highlighting them twice in one week, but I came upon a response to the Episcopal Church’s decision, written by N.T. Wright, that I found worth noting. If you aren’t familiar with him, N.T. Wright is a renowned British theologian, and he is also a member of the Anglican Church (the Episcopal Church’s British counterpart). He makes some incredible insights into the the Episcopal Church’s decision from which we can all learn. Not only does he appeal to Scripture and tradition in his defense, but he does so without the emotional work of name-calling or mud-slinging. What follows are some of my favorite excerpts:

On sexual chastity in the Christian tradition:

“Many in TEC (The Episcopal Church) have long embraced a theology in which chastity, as universally understood by the wider Christian tradition, has been optional. That wider tradition always was counter-cultural as well as counter-intuitive. Our supposedly selfish genes crave a variety of sexual possibilities. But Jewish, Christian and Muslim teachers have always insisted that lifelong man-plus-woman marriage is the proper context for sexual intercourse. This is not (as is frequently suggested) an arbitrary rule, dualistic in overtone and killjoy in intention. It is a deep structural reflection of the belief in a creator God who has entered into covenant both with his creation and with his people (who carry forward his purposes for that creation).

Paganism ancient and modern has always found this ethic, and this belief, ridiculous and incredible. But the biblical witness is scarcely confined, as the shrill leader in yesterday’s Times suggests, to a few verses in St Paul. Jesus’s own stern denunciation of sexual immorality would certainly have carried, to his hearers, a clear implied rejection of all sexual behaviour outside heterosexual monogamy. This isn’t a matter of “private response to Scripture” but of the uniform teaching of the whole Bible, of Jesus himself, and of the entire Christian tradition.”

What an important reminder that sexual purity is not just about being holy, but providing a witness for those around us. We are meant to be different, to look different, and our sexual lives are one way that we set ourselves apart from the rest of the world for the glory of God. When we conform to the sexual norms of our surrounding culture, we become like a salt that loses its saltiness (Matt. 5:13).

Wright also responds to the TEC’s notions of justice in relation to human identity–that is, treating all humans justly, regardless of sexual orientation. This was also a great point:

“The appeal to justice as a way of cutting the ethical knot in favour of including active homosexuals in Christian ministry simply begs the question. Nobody has a right to be ordained: it is always a gift of sheer and unmerited grace. The appeal also seriously misrepresents the notion of justice itself, not just in the Christian tradition of Augustine, Aquinas and others, but in the wider philosophical discussion from Aristotle to John Rawls. Justice never means “treating everybody the same way”, but “treating people appropriately”, which involves making distinctions between different people and situations. Justice has never meant “the right to give active expression to any and every sexual desire”.

Such a novel usage would also raise the further question of identity. It is a very recent innovation to consider sexual preferences as a marker of “identity” parallel to, say, being male or female, English or African, rich or poor. Within the “gay community” much postmodern reflection has turned away from “identity” as a modernist fiction. We simply “construct” ourselves from day to day.

We must insist, too, on the distinction between inclination and desire on the one hand and activity on the other — a distinction regularly obscured by references to “homosexual clergy” and so on. We all have all kinds of deep-rooted inclinations and desires. The question is, what shall we do with them? One of the great Prayer Book collects asks God that we may “love the thing which thou commandest, and desire that which thou dost promise”. That is always tough, for all of us. Much easier to ask God to command what we already love, and promise what we already desire. But much less like the challenge of the Gospel.”

It is always ironic that many of the Christian voices who preach the loudest about community tend to ignore the greater community of Church tradition. We must not be so arrogant as to think that we know better than the 2,000 years of Christian brothers and sisters who preceded us. That is not to say that we shouldn’t hold Church tradition under the scrutiny of Scripture, but in this instance the two are clearly aligned. With that in mind, it’s important that we love those with whom we disagree, but loving them does not mean we are so shaped by the culture that we no longer resemble the Church established by Jesus Christ.

To read Wright’s entire response, click here.