Earlier today, writer Rachel Held Evans posted a blog in which she issued a strong condemnation of Michael and Debi Pearl, authors of the controversial book To Train Up a Child. In case you’re unfamiliar with the book, Rachel offers a a summary of the controversy behind it, the center of which is its alleged role in child abuse and the deaths of several children.

What I want to address here is another book that Rachel mentioned on her blog, Created to Be His Help Meet, also authored by Debi Pearl. I have not read this book, but Rachel highlighted an excerpt contributed by Debi’s husband, Michael, in which he wrote the following:

“Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command. Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer.Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’…You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities…When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”

Again, I have not read this book and I don’t know whether this quote was somehow taken out of context to convey something other than what the author intended. What I do know is this: This excerpt is an excellent example of why we MUST talk about domestic abuse whenever we talk about submission.

As a result of numerous factors such as bad exegesis, mental illness, or basic, ugly depravity, Ephesians 5:22 has been used to trap women in abusive relationships. Believing that they are honoring God, witnessing to their husbands, and becoming like Christ, women have allowed themselves to be battered or emotionally assaulted.

This cannot stand.

What makes Ephesians 5:22 tricky is that there tend to be two different responses to this verse (although there really is a spectrum between these two poles): Some Christians reject it altogether as inherently patriarchal and oppressive to women, while others accept the teaching as a universal principle, perhaps making an exception in the case of abuse.

I think both approaches are problematic. For those who would reject Ephesians 5:22, I am sensitive to the stigma attached to submission. In our culture today, this word is nearly synonymous with oppression. It is a wholly unpalatable concept for women today, so I realize the difficulty some of you will have with what I’m about to say. Namely, this verse IS still relevant for women. It is the Word of God, inspired and authoritative, so we cannot simply discard it.

This verse clarifies the manner in which marriage reflects the love between Christ and the church. Given that our culture worships autonomy and individualism, the public imagination struggles to conceive of a love that involves surrender. The two seem antithetical, thereby making the gospel seem strange and even repulsive. Christian marriage, however, is our opportunity to display the freedom of submission to God by providing the world with a glimpse of it here on earth. That is why we cannot let go of submission, for men or women.

On the other hand, I disagree with those who would claim that submission is a universal principle for wives, even if they make an exception for abuse. The problem is that this universalizing interpretation makes the verse incoherent with the whole of Scripture. Although the marriage relationship reflects Christ and the church, it is an imperfect analogy. This state of imperfection is nowhere more clear than when a woman must sin in order to remain submitted to her husband. Those who universalize this verse must concede that women can sometimes sin in doing so, which makes no sense. Others avoid this pitfall by making exceptions, but they tend to do so arbitrarily. If this verse is “law,” so to speak, Paul provides no exception clause.

That is why Ephesians 5:22 must not be interpreted as law. Instead, verse 15 offers a better interpretational lens for understanding this teaching:

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise.

Submission is a matter of wisdom. It is not a black and white issue but one that requires discernment and a heart after God. It requires that we consult with others to make sure we are not confusing wisdom with selfish motivations or blind obedience. It also means that submission is not an unbreakable command that seems strangely out of sync with the rest of Scripture. Submission to our husband is one way that we can honor them and glorify God, but not always.

Some of you will feel uncomfortable with this. It isn’t concrete enough. What if, you fear, women take advantage of that freedom and refuse to honor their husbands?  That is why the community of the church is necessary. The Body of Christ helps us to live out our calls to honor God and one another, and to do so honestly.

Others of you might see this as a lost opportunity for women to witness to their husbands. As the Pearls seem to argue, women who endure abuse are mirroring Christ and thereby drawing their husbands closer to God. Here I must echo my sister Rachel in an unequivocal condemnation of this belief. Yes, there is a spectrum of situations in which a woman should persevere in a difficult marriage for the purpose of God’s redemptive work. But in situations of abuse where the husband is either mentally ill or simply a criminal (Remember, everyone, abuse is AGAINST THE LAW!) then both the church and the local authorities need to intervene. These women are not bearing abuse because of their faith; they are bearing abuse because their husbands are sick. Enabling that sickness and that sin is not helping anyone and it CERTAINLY isn’t glorifying to God.

I would also add that by remaining in an abusive situation, it sends a TERRIBLE message to the children. It teaches sons to abuse and teaches girls to accept abuse.

Sister, if you currently find yourself in an abusive relationship, please remove yourself from harm’s way immediately! Contact your church, call the police, and make sure your children are safe as well. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need help finding local assistance. It is the role of the church to shield you, love you, and help you heal, but the church can do that for neither you nor your husband if you stay silent and continue to place yourself in danger. Let God do His work through the church. Please speak up!

Last month I received a link to the following article that ran in Time Magazine entitled Meet the ‘Selfless’ Women of the ‘Stay at Home Daughters Movement’. I had never before heard of the Stay at Home Daughters Movement (SAHD for short) so the information came as quite a shock. Especially given that the article was written in what I would call an uncharitable manner.

Since that time I came across another article on Christianity Today’s blog for women, Her.meneutics (if you aren’t following this blog you SHOULD be!), that offered an arguably more balanced perspective on the movement. The post was called What Is the Stay-at-Home Daughters Movement and it was written by Karen Swallow Prior, a professor at Liberty University. I also highly recommend it. She summarizes the movement as follows:

Essentially, adherents of SAHD believe daughters should never leave the covering of their fathers until and unless they are married.

Of the movement’s strengths as listed by Prior, she included their emphasis on non-traditional, higher education and their high regard for the father-daughter relationship. I agree with Prior, and was pleased to read a review of the movement that did not throw the baby out with the bath water. While I disagree with many of SAHD’s conclusions, we can still learn from this member of Christ’s Body.

However, along with Prior I also share some concerns. Fortunately, Prior said them better than I could have in the following excerpt:

But the real issue is less “to stay or not to stay” than the underlying principle for doing so. While SAHD advocates cite ample scriptural passages to support their orthopraxy (the practice of their orthodoxy), the principle underlying that practice seems to me to lack explicit scriptural support. This principle is what they claim is a clear divide between “public and private” (terms less connected to biblical language than to Enlightenment concepts) or separate “spheres of dominion” for men and women. Vision Forum Ministries states that “men are called to public spheres of dominion beyond the home,” and “the God-ordained and proper sphere of dominion for a wife is the household and that which is connected with the home.”

It’s possible that this bipartite division is more a social construct than a biblical one. If separate spheres were extrapolated from biblical language and principles, it is more likely such realms would fall along a more complex, tripartite division like family, church, and society. Such a trinity of spheres complicates neat alignments with the God-given binary of male and female. 

Perhaps this helps explain some of the problem. For while the SAHD movement calls for daughters to “be helpers to their mother and blessings to [their] entire family,” their attentions appear largely focused on the ministry and business of the fathers. (By the way, none of the fathers, apparently, work at the local automotive plant.)

After I read that section the first time, I read it back to my husband word-for-word because I thought it was so dead on! The distinction between public and private spheres for men and women is indeed a liberal construct, not a Christian one. And as the last line implies, the SAHD ideology would be difficult to live out in a family living within a low economic bracket. 

Now, I am always wary of setting up straw men that are easily knocked down, especially when the leaders of the movement aren’t here to defend themselves, so I must affirm that if these women feel led to stay at home with their fathers in preparation for marriage, then more power to them! Does that mean that ALL women are called to do the same? Certainly not. As mentioned above, we have to be very careful of belief systems that develop out of our financial privilege or personal convictions, lest they exclude entire populations within the Body of Christ.

What is the take-away lesson here?

In the face of these disagreements it’s important to remember that there are central issues to the Christian faith, but there are also debatable ones. Mark Driscoll refers to this difference as close-fisted and open-fisted issues. Some doctrines, such as the Trinity and the divine nature of Christ, are “close-fisted” doctrines. We do not let go of them. They are non-negotiables. On the other hand, there are also open-fisted beliefs, such as speaking in tongues or worship style. When it comes to the open-fisted beliefs, we can have union with other Christians even if we disagree with them.

I believe that  SAHD is an open-fisted belief. I disagree with some of their conclusions (some very strongly!) but they are still my sisters in Christ. In contrast with the many articles that have slandered SAHD without mercy, a response of kindness and gentleness is, I believe, more faithful to the character of Christ.

A couple months ago I wrote a post entitled The Wisdom of Submission in which I explored the context of Ephesians 5 and its teachings on submission. Marital submission is generally taught as a kind of umbrella formula by which all “good Christian wives” should abide, but that does not appear to be the context of the passage, nor is that a healthy way to think of submission. Were your husband to ask you to sin or to remain in an abusive relationship, it’s important to have a read on Ephesians 5 that would allow you to resist your husband without contradicting God’s Word. That said, it’s helpful to think of submission as a matter of wisdom versus foolishness–when is it wise to submit to your husband, and when is it unwise?

Of course, this manner of thinking about submission might make some people uncomfortable. Isn’t that incredibly subjective? Can’t women abuse it? Well the same could be said about male headship, which is why it’s important to remember that this issue is ultimately between you and God. You will stand before Him in how you have honored or dishonored your spouse, a very sobering thought indeed!

Bearing that in mind, I came up with a few diagnostic questions to assess the motives of your heart in how you respond to your husband. When you are tempted to control, manipulate, or simply be stubborn-headed, these questions can help you search your heart and determine the wisdom or foolishness of your actions:

Is it worth getting your way?
I don’t know about you, but there have been a number of times in my marriage when the win was actually a loss. My husband caved in because I was being so obstinate, and it ultimately wasn’t worth the hurt that it caused. My husband didn’t respect me more because of it, nor were we closer as a result.

Could he be right?
My husband is a very capable, wise and intuitive person, and there have been a number of situations in which I forced my way, or begrudgingly let him get his way, only to find out later that I was totally in the wrong. Even so, I have a short memory and the next time a similar situation arises I am still slow to trust him despite his consistently good judgment. Given that God matches us with mates whose strengths complement our weaknesses, it’s important for me to remember that my husband often has the clearest vision in my greatest blind spots.

Would submission be more effective than force?
Something else I’ve noticed in my own marriage is that when my husband realizes he was wrong, I don’t have to point it out to him. He sees it. In fact, he is most teachable when I am least aggressive about it. Given this reality, God can actually use my submission as a tool to teach and grow my husband. If I let him make a mistake and refuse to gloat about my rightness, he is much more likely to learn from the experience without any residual feelings of bitterness or frustration toward me. Submission gets me out of the way so that God can teach my husband.

Are you acting out of fear, or trust in God?
At the heart of this issue is ultimately your trust in God. Ephesians 5:29 reminds us that God gave us our husbands as a provision of protection and care, which means He will also hold them accountable for how well they did their job. God is in control of this whole set-up, which means that if you’re having trouble trusting your husband, you might also be struggling to trust God.

How does your marriage witness to Christ’s love for His people?
The overall thrust of Ephesians 5 is to draw a parallel between marriage and Christ’s relationship with the Church. In marriage we demonstrate the kind of loving surrender that Christians are to have with God. God loves us so profoundly and unconditionally that we can trust Him with our marriage, family, job, future–everything! But that’s a hard idea for many people to swallow. In a world where people sign pre-nups before they ever get married, this kind of radical trust is foreign. We’re not used to trusting someone else THAT much. Christian marriage, however, demonstrates that this type of love is possible, which provides the world with a small taste of what they can have in Jesus. The question is, does your marriage demonstrate this type of loving relationship. Do you surrender to your husband in a way that echoes the Christian’s surrender to Christ?

These are just a few diagnostic questions to consider when you and your husband are in a gridlock. You may have all the best reasons in the world for standing your ground, but unless your husband has asked you to sell your kids and rob a bank, consider the wisdom of submission from God’s perspective. God’s wisdom is not like the world’s, so live according to the God who can take unusual or difficult circumstances and use them for good. When your heart is first and foremost submitted to God, He can and WILL use your faithfulness!

After my last post I received a comment that I really want to respond to because it raised an excellent question: How does female leadership relate to submission in Christian marriage? The commenter also wondered if our constructs of marriage are at all culturally based. These are truly important questions, and the answer to the second one is both a yes and a no.

One of the dangers of applying a passage of Scripture incorrectly is that it often leads people to conclude that the passage itself is altogether invalid. This has often been the case with Bible verses on submission and roles within marriage. These verses are not only universally true, but are beneficial for marriage (and women, I might add!), however our interpretations of them have often been so mangled by culture that it is tough to distinguish one from the other.

That said, I want to back up and briefly and explain what marriage should look like according to the Bible. And by that I mean I am going to spend little time talking about application (which tends to be more cultural) and most of my time talking about purpose. First I’ll begin with male headship and the spiritual leadership of men, and then I’ll take a look at what this means for women.

Male Headship

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. – Ephesians 5:23

The idea that the husband is to be the “head” of the home has often been misinterpreted as a type of power play. However, to interpret this verse in such a manner is to totally ignore the majority of the verse. We can only have a proper understanding of “head” by looking at Christ. And what do we see? We see a kind of leadership that is exercised through service and sacrifice. In other words, men signify themselves as head of the home by choosing to lay themselves down for their family, sometimes in ways that can be humiliating.

(I emphasized the word “choosing” because it is not the job of the wife to force humility upon her husband. Rather, there are times when a husband may choose to serve his wife in ways that the world would tell him he is above doing, or that it is his wife’s job to do, such as cooking meals, changing dirty diapers, etc.)

The second implication of this verse is that men are to exercise a type of spiritual leadership that models Christ’s example to the church. While the analogy is not a perfect one since men are not divine, and both the husband and wife should seek to model Christ through their lives, it is the relationship between Christ and the church that we are nevertheless seeking to display. What this means is that the husband is given the responsibility for setting the spiritual pace of the relationship. In the same way that the church looks to Christ as an example, women should marry men to whom they can look up to as an example. If the husband is not a Christian or is less mature than his wife, then the couple will fail to demonstrate this relationship between Christ and the church as taught in Scripture.

That is not to say that the husband and wife cannot be equally mature in their faith. While my husband is certainly the spiritual leader, it’s not because he is necessarily more mature but because he works hard to be intentional about setting the spiritual climate and direction of our marriage. In addition to this, my husband primarily models his “headship” in the ways that he serves me. He puts my interests before his. He hops up to get me a glass of water so that I can stay in my seat. He cleans the dishes because he knows that I don’t like to. He empowers me in my calling to serve God. And he does all this, not because he’s “whipped,” not because he’s a doormat, and not because I demand to be treated like a princess, but because he desires to model Christ’s sacrificial love and service so radically that I will be encouraged all the more in my own love for Christ.

It is service and sacrifice, not absolute authority, that model Christ. While the world believes strength is displayed by force, Christ redefines strength as meekness, faith in God, and unconditional love. Any definition of headship that overlooks these attributes is definitively cultural.

Women’s Leadership

The other question of the commenter relates to women and leadership. Although we hear a lot of talk about men being the spiritual leaders, does this mean that women should not be leaders? Well as Paul would say, by no means!!! If you are a Christian, you are called to be a leader. You can either be a sheep and follow the cultural tide, or you can be a leader and stand against it. This leadership can manifest itself in different ways–from teaching a small group, to directing a ministry, to leading in mercy and compassion, or leading a person to Christ–but it is something that every single Christian is called to, regardless of gender.

The reason that male leadership is emphasized in marriage is because of the picture that marriages display. The ULTIMATE purpose of marriage, above ALL ELSE, is to model the relationship between Christ and the church. Why is this so important? Because most people don’t want to give up their lifestyles to follow Christ, so we model for them the freedom and joy that comes in submitting to one who loves you so much he will lay himself down for you. Our marriages can spark the imaginations of a people who cannot conceive of such a love.

And in response to one final question–Is there a time when men submit to women?–I would have to say yes. If a female police officer pulls a man over for speeding, he darn well better submit to her authority. There may also be times in a marriage when a husband chooses to submit to his wife in an area that he knows she is more knowledgeable about (If, for example, the wife has her MBA but the husband knows nothing about finance, he may defer to her on some financial matters).

There is not an exact formula (as I described in my last post), but Scripture gives a lot of helpful directives that we are wise to heed. The main goal is that the overriding picture of your marriage models the relationship between Christ and the church, the husband serving as the spiritual head and the woman honoring him as the church honors Christ. This requires that you first submit yourselves to God, setting your own agendas aside and seeking that which glorifies Him most greatly. You should be far more concerned with honoring God as much as possible than making sure you get yours.

And as a final caution to those of us who are married and are seeking to live this out, be careful about how you judge the marriages of others. It is all too easy to judge a marriage that looks different than your own, but we often deceive ourselves as to how profoundly the culture, and more importantly our pride, has influenced our own understandings of marriage and family. Do not forfeit the integrity of Scripture by condemning those whose marriages do not conform to yours. While Scripture has certainly given us boundaries, some are less clear than others, and we are all different parts of One Body seeking to honor God as best we know how.

Last week my husband’s small group discussed Ephesians 5 and they had a fascinating discussion about submission that I want to share with you today. The whole conversation began after reading verse 22–Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord–after which one of the group members asked the following insightful question:

“Is there ever a circumstance in which a woman should disobey this command?”

By this, he was asking whether a woman should submit to her husband even if he asks her to do something sinful or if he is abusing her.

I particularly like the wording of his question because it reveals a gaping hole in the way I have traditionally taught this passage. While Scripture does teach wives to submit to their husbands, it is also clear that a woman should not sin by bringing a third party into the bedroom, nor should she permit her husband to beat her or force himself upon her sexually. That said, I simply threw out Ephesians 5:22 if any of the above circumstances applied. Unfortunately in doing so, my interpretation implied a rather low view of Scripture–I essentially concluded that some Biblical commands trump this one.

Scripture, however, does not work that way. It does not contradict itself. Nor should any passage be interpreted in such a way that would either lead us to sin should we adhere to it perfectly, or simply be discarded at times.

With this in mind, there has to be a slightly more nuanced way of interpreting this passage, and my husband pointed out something that was very helpful to me. The context of this immediate passage begins in verse 15. Because a lot of Bible interpretations divide the paragraph up between verse 15 and verse 22, it doesn’t appear that the two are connected but they are. Verse 15 marks a major transition in Paul’s argument, which is followed by a series of commands, including verse 22.

And what does verse 15 say? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise.” The command to submit appears underneath this larger command to be wise. My husband therefore suggested that verse 15 should serve as the dominating paradigm of interpretation for the entire passage. In other words, the big picture of Paul’s message is to live wisely, in such a way that is conducive towards unity and a powerful witness. And one way that wives can do that is by honoring and respecting their husbands through the act of submission.

As humans, we like our teachings to be black and white. It’s easier that way. However this more nuanced approach to submission is necessary. By reading the passage within the larger context, women are advised to submit to their husbands, but they are also given the freedom to not submit when it is unwise to do so, without disobeying Scripture or flat-out contradicting Paul.

Does this give women license to submit when it convenient but resist their husbands when it’s not? Of course not. Submission is wise because it encourages your husband as a leader, even as he makes mistakes along the way. It also testifies to the relationship of sacrificial love and profound trust between Christ and the church. You should seek to model this relationship whenever possible. However, if your husband asks you to engage in a behavior that is a blatant contradiction of other parts of Scripture and will cause spiritual or physical harm to yourself, then it is clearly unwise to submit. To submit in such circumstances is to violate the heart of Paul’s message, as well as the heart of God.

Finally, this perspective reminds us that how we treat our husbands is not only in our hands, but a matter on which we’ll be held accountable. Wives are not to submit to their husbands simply because Scripture commands us to blindly obey, but because we are seeking to be women of wisdom. Submission is just one of the many ways that we can exercise wisdom in our marriages and our lives.

For many women, the idea of trusting a man TOTALLY in marriage is a scary thing. It’s not that their husbands aren’t trustworthy or that they don’t trust their husbands in some things. But the idea of submitting when you think you’re in the right, or when something really life-changing is on the line? That can be hard.

And that’s why so many women find themselves wrestling with a tendency to take control. Stasi Eldredge describes this battle in her book, Captivating. She gets to the heart of this ever-raging struggle as she writes:

“Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational–aren’t they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can’t you see how much you need to have things under control–whether it’s a project or a ministry or a marriage? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven’t you felt…your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? Most women hate their vulnerability….Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security.”

Control is a major issue that women struggle to surrender in marriage, but as Eldredge points out, this is not a problem that begins in marriage. It begins long before.

Submission is a discipline that you must work on cultivating now, as a single woman. Think about it this way…

It really is no wonder that the transition from the single life to married life can be so rocky–they generally encompass two completely different mindsets! As a single woman, you learn to be independent and look out for yourself. But then you get married and you’re supposed to let someone else take care of you.

You go from being independent to dependent. What was once a virtue becomes a vice. A practice that once guarded your lifestyle can now sabotage your lifestyle. What are we to make of this discrepancy?

The problem here is that the predominant mindset of single women today is in direct conflict with the Christian life. The idea that single women are somehow independent and must fend for themselves is a mindset that conflicts with the sovereignty of God. If we profess Christ, then there is no independent. There is no “fend for yourself.” And there is no “I am in control.”

On the contrary, it is God who is in control. God takes care of you. To be Christian is to be dependent on Him.

An unhealthy independence is easy to hide when you’re on your own, but it quickly becomes apparent when your life is intertwined with another. It is a mindset that short-circuits your ability to trust others because it is founded upon a trust in yourself alone. That said, if you have thoroughly ingrained in your heart and mind a spirit of independence, then you set yourself up for failure in all relationships, not the least of which is your relationship with God.

With all of this in mind, an inability to trust a husband in marriage is not necessarily a marital problem. It is a spiritual one. It comes from years and years of not trusting God to provide and take care of you. When you live in the knowledge that God is in control, it takes a lot of pressure off of trusting others. A trust in God makes all other forms of trust possible.

So if you are single now, begin the hard work of learning submission–submission to God. Regardless of whether or not you get married one day, this is a discipline that will factor into your job, your church, and your family relationships. It is the difference between relating to others in fear, or relating to others in freedom.

That is a struggle that every woman must face and fight, no matter her marital status.

Is the church a democracy? This is a question that my husband and I have been mulling over this week. While a seemingly abstract question, or at the very least random, the way you answer this questions has a LOT of implications for your individual life. Just hang with me and I’ll explain how.

At the heart of this question is the location of authority within every church. Assuming God and Scripture to be the highest authorities, the question of democracy asks whether the next level of authority lies in the hands of church leaders, or the congregation. On this matter, there is a fairly wide spectrum of churches. On the one end you have Catholics, for whom there is a trickle down structure of authority that finds its head with the Pope. On the opposite end you have denominations like Baptists, who give a lot more freedom to the individual congregation. Contrary to popular opinion, the Southern Baptist Convention does not rule over or dictate the lives of Baptist churches. Historically, Baptists churches have taught the autonomy or independence of the local church, which means Baptist churches can look as different as the people in each congregation. That’s why you hear about crazy fringe churches in the news that don the name “Baptist.” They aren’t reflecting a wider Baptist tradition, but instead their own congregation’s fringe beliefs. Baptist tradition gives congregations that freedom.

So we are presented with two extremes: all the authority lies in the leadership, or all the authority lies in the congregation. Given our country’s ideas about government, we tend to buck against any structure that gives absolute power to a higher ranking authority figure. And I can sympathize with that. There has got to be accountability. Unchecked power leads to corruption.

However, I’m not sure full-fledged democracy is the answer either. In Scripture we see a couple examples of democracy, and they’re not positive. In Exodus 32 the people took a vote so Aaron acquiesced to the consensus: he gave them a golden calf. In 1 Samuel the popular consensus was to appoint a king over Israel, so God gave them one: Saul. Throughout Scripture, the popular consensus was often a sinful one. That’s why God so frequently sent prophets to hold His people accountable. Without strong, godly leadership, they were like sheep without a shepherd. They strayed.

So while I am by no means Catholic in my understanding of authority, I am also wary of a truly democratic model of the church. But here’s where this issue really applies to each and every one of our lives: If we believe the authority of our local church lies first in the congregation, and not in the hands of leaders on whom God has granted authority, we give ourselves an out. We give ourselves permission to not follow the leading of our pastors and the movement of the church. Say the church sets out a vision for its people–the leaders feel called to serve the community more, give sacrificially to a cause, or send more people on the mission field—but you don’t “feel called” to this particular vision, so you don’t participate. The church’s larger vision is irrelevant to you. You simply don’t listen because you are the “decider.”

This is deeply problematic to me. I don’t want to overlook the individual circumstances of people’s lives, but this approach to church leadership can also reveal a tremendous lack of trust in God. If you serve a church that has systems of accountability for its leaders (that is to say, there are no blatant abuses of power at work in your church), then passages like Hebrews 13:17 provide our direction. We are to “obey our leaders and submit to their authority.” If they call the church to a vision of outreach that is Scriptural, we aren’t given a “what if” clause. We are called to follow.

While this might sound scary to some people, as if I’m affirming a kind of blank-check power to our church leaders, there is an alternate way of thinking about it. If God has given you leaders to guide you, teach you, bless you and grow you as a vehicle of His Holy Spirit, but you constantly defer to your own judgment about what is best, then you’re missing out on a blessing. You’re missing out on an opportunity to exercise faith in ways that you might not have considered on your own.

The purpose of me writing this is not to resolve the tricky question of church polity–how a church should be structured. There are strengths and weaknesses to every model in the book because we are all sinners serving a sovereign, redemptive God. What I DO want you to consider in the face of all these questions is your own view of authority. Has it been shaped more by your culture or by Scripture? Leaders are not perfect, but God calls us to submit to them without providing an escape clause. If we can do this responsibly and without bitterness, I suspect we will find blessing and new spiritual depth through our obedience to Him.

If you’ve ever met me, even once, you probably know one thing about my personality–I am not shy. Although an introvert by nature, I tend to be fairly outgoing and outspoken when the occasion calls (or when it doesn’t). I’m the daughter of a go-getting entrepreneur, so I’ve tried to study and learn my dad’s leadership strengths, and I definitely have his personality.

I’m not a wall flower. At all.

With that in mind, I have deliberately avoided the following verses, which have made me feel squeamish and uncomfortable every time I’ve read them:

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. –1 Peter 3:3-4

Now I’m totally tracking with the first verse. That’s a topic I discuss with young women all the time–the importance of not founding your confidence on fleeting, superficial physical attributes.

But the second verse–that’s the one that always makes me squirm. Adorn yourself with a “gentle and quiet spirit?” I don’t like the sound of that! It sounds like a prescription for a cookie cutter personality. In order to be a good Christian woman you have to be quiet and shy and not talk too much. You have to be compliant and meek and easy to dominate.

And that’s how some Christians have interpreted these verses. Because of this passage, strong Christian women have been made to feel less feminine or ungodly because they had outgoing personalities. They were a perceived threat to male leadership.

But that’s by no means the best interpretation of those verses. Notice that it says a quiet and gentle “spirit,” not “personality.” This verse is describing the spirit and motive that drives your personality, not the personality itself. You can still be outgoing and strong and passionate, while also possessing a quiet and gentle spirit underneath.

That said, it’s also important to note that a woman can be painfully shy and quiet, while also possessing a rebellious and bitter spirit. It’s not the personality that this passage is addressing, but the guiding compass behind it. God cares about your heart.

With all of this in mind, I thought I’d draw up a little list of diagnostics, highlighting the distinctions between an outgoing woman with a quiet and gentle spirit, versus an outgoing woman without such a spirit. Look over it and then search your heart to see which category you fall into:

With a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

• Confident but not forceful
• Demonstrates leadership without being overly controlling
• Is driven by a trust in Christ, not a fear of failure
• Outspoken but humble
• Slow to speak, communicating Scriptural truth and wisdom

Without a Quiet and Gentle Spirit:

• Will push and push until she gets her way
• A control freak
• Driven by fear
• Always has to be heard
• Brash, quick to speak, and quick to become angry

At their cores, the difference between these two spirits is peace versus fear. You are being driven by either one or the other, and it’s up to you to determine which one it is.

So if you’re like me, go ahead and be outgoing! Be passionate and outspoken and be a leader! But do it for the right reasons. Not because you want attention or because you have something to prove or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t. Do it because God gave you that personality and He should be glorified through it.

A quiet and gentle spirit does not equal a bland personality–it’s simply an anchor that enhances your God-given uniqueness, so embrace it!

For many women, the idea of trusting a man TOTALLY in marriage is a scary thing. It’s not that their husbands aren’t trustworthy or that they don’t trust their husbands in some things. But the idea of submitting when you think you’re in the right, or when something really life-changing is on the line? That can be hard.

And that’s why so many women find themselves wrestling with a tendency to take control. Stasi Eldredge describes this battle in her book, Captivating. She gets to the heart of this ever-raging struggle as she writes:

“Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational–aren’t they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can’t you see how much you need to have things under control–whether it’s a project or a ministry or a marriage? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven’t you felt…your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? Most women hate their vulnerability….Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security.”

Control is a major issue that women struggle to surrender in marriage, but as Eldredge points out, this is not a problem that begins in marriage. It begins long before.

Submission is a discipline that you must work on cultivating now, as a single woman. Think about it this way…

It really is no wonder that the transition from the single life to married life can be so rocky–they generally encompass two completely different mindsets! As a single woman, you learn to be independent and look out for yourself. But then you get married and you’re supposed to let someone else take care of you.

You go from being independent to dependent. What was once a virtue becomes a vice. A practice that once guarded your lifestyle can now sabotage your lifestyle. What are we to make of this discrepancy?

The problem here is that the predominant mindset of single women today is in direct conflict with the Christian life. The idea that single women are somehow independent and must fend for themselves is a mindset that conflicts with the sovereignty of God. If we profess Christ, then there is no independent. There is no “fend for yourself.” And there is no “I am in control.”

On the contrary, it is God who is in control. God takes care of you. To be Christian is to be dependent on Him.

An unhealthy independence is easy to hide when you’re on your own, but it quickly becomes apparent when your life is intertwined with another. It is a mindset that short-circuits your ability to trust others because it is founded upon a trust in yourself alone. That said, if you have thoroughly ingrained in your heart and mind a spirit of independence, then you set yourself up for failure in all relationships, not the least of which is your relationship with God.

With all of this in mind, an inability to trust a husband in marriage is not necessarily a marital problem. It is a spiritual one. It comes from years and years of not trusting God to provide and take care of you. When you live in the knowledge that God is in control, it takes a lot of pressure off of trusting others. A trust in God makes all other forms of trust possible.

So if you are single now, begin the hard work of learning submission–submission to God. Regardless of whether or not you get married one day, this is a discipline that will factor into your job, your church, and your family relationships. It is the difference between relating to others in fear, or relating to others in freedom.

That is a struggle that every woman must face and fight, no matter her marital status.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about submission, and since that time I have had some interesting conversations about it. In particular, I started talking with one of my friends about the role of submission in dating. He was asking my thoughts on the topic since submission is part of marriage, and dating is preparation for marriage–given those two presuppositions, is there such a thing as submission in dating? Unfortunately, there are hardly any resources on the subject, so I thought I would follow up the earlier post with some thoughts on the topic.

(And in case you want to read my original post about submission, you can check it out here)

First off, this is an issue that has tripped up many a young lady in the beginnings of a dating relationship. Because we desire a man to be a spiritual leader, some of us will simply hand over the reins and let him determine the direction right away. This can play out in a variety of ways, but in my experience it has led to major problems. The mistake I made was in trusting a man to lead me without taking the time to discern whether he was actually able to do so.

Some men simply aren’t spiritually mature enough to lead you or make wise decisions in their handling of the relationship. Because of this reality, it would be foolish to trust their judgment blindly without first learning whether or not their judgment is Christ-centered.

For instance, in the past I have entered into serious relationships pre-maturely, and walked down many other paths that I knew were dangerous to trod, all because I was following my boyfriend’s leading. I didn’t exercise any kind of real discernment because I thought that I was called to follow him.

With all of that in mind, submission is not entirely appropriate in dating. Dating is the period in which you determine whether or not to submit to a man in marriage. Prior to a marital commitment, you are discerning whether or not he is right for such a radical step of trust.

Granted, there is no man who will be perfect in that regard, but you should be sure to marry a man who will seek God in all areas of his life, including you and your future family. That is the kind of man you are wise in submitting to, but that is not information that you can know with certainty right away. For that reason, it is important that you guard your heart, especially at the beginning.

Now all of this is not to say that the man shouldn’t be a spiritual leader in a dating relationship. On the contrary, he should. BUT, the leadership must be exercised in ever-increasing stages. At first, the man should take the lead in the logistical parts of dating–initiating time together, expressing his intentions, and doing these things in a way that honors you.

Gradually, he should start taking more spiritual and emotional leadership (ie. praying together, reading Scripture together, asking you about your faith, as well as talking about your feelings, long-term commitment, etc.). However, this stage should be done very carefully because women are far more emotionally influenced by spiritual intimacy, so it could usher the relationship into a serious commitment rather quickly.

Now here’s the catch–although the man should be doing all of these things, it is the women’s choice as to whether she will follow. Ladies, this is very important, because it is not your prerogative to follow his leadership if you are not yet sure of his character. In the same way that you wouldn’t go out with a random guy you met in a bar simply because he asked, you don’t need to follow every single suggestion you receive from the guy you’re seeing if you don’t know the source of his judgment.

You see the reason a man should lead in a dating relationship is two-fold. The first is the most obvious–it is preparation for marriage. If he’s not a leader before marriage, he certainly won’t be a leader in marriage. But the second reason that a man should be exercising leadership is that he is demonstrating whether or not his leadership is trustworthy. If he is consistently dependable, thoughtful, and strong, then a woman can trust his leadership because he is earning credibility through his actions. The longer he demonstrates these attributes, then the more she can actively defer to his leadership. This progression of increasing trust will continue all the way into marriage.

If, on the other hand, his decision making is inconsistent or reckless, then you need to be guarded. Don’t follow him simply because he’s a man, but instead exercise discernment. If you reach a point at which you simply cannot trust his leadership, and enough time has passed to make an informed decision, then the relationship needs to end.

In addition to these practical points, there is one final element that sticks out in my mind on the topic of submission. Marital submission is meant to reflect the Church’s relationship to Christ–the Church submits to a king who laid his life down for her. In that instance, submission is freedom.

Having established that, submission in dating is somewhat inappropriate because it requires you to submit to someone who hasn’t laid himself down for you. When you submit to someone in a dating relationship, you engage in a kind of intimacy that was only designed for marriage. The cross teaches us that intimacy and sacrifice go hand in hand, so it is only when a couple professes to lay down their lives for one another that their intimacy reflects the intimacy we have in Christ.

Again, it’s important to let your boyfriend take the lead at some point. Don’t follow him blindly, but if he has earned your trust then don’t fight his leadership–embrace it. For some women, this is more of a heart issue than a guy-specifc issue. Many of us struggle with the concept of submission, simply because we want to be in control. There is, however, a healthy middle ground between blindly following and jaded guardedness. No, there isn’t an airtight formula, but if you prayerfully search your heart in this process, as well as seeking godly counsel, then God will surely direct your steps in this messy, messy business that is Christian dating.