Theology for Women

For many women, the idea of trusting a man TOTALLY in marriage is a scary thing. It’s not that their husbands aren’t trustworthy or that they don’t trust their husbands in some things. But the idea of submitting when you think you’re in the right, or when something really life-changing is on the line? That can be hard.

And that’s why so many women find themselves wrestling with a tendency to take control. Stasi Eldredge describes this battle in her book, Captivating. She gets to the heart of this ever-raging struggle as she writes:

“Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational–aren’t they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can’t you see how much you need to have things under control–whether it’s a project or a ministry or a marriage? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven’t you felt…your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? Most women hate their vulnerability….Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security.”

Control is a major issue that women struggle to surrender in marriage, but as Eldredge points out, this is not a problem that begins in marriage. It begins long before.

Submission is a discipline that you must work on cultivating now, as a single woman. Think about it this way…

It really is no wonder that the transition from the single life to married life can be so rocky–they generally encompass two completely different mindsets! As a single woman, you learn to be independent and look out for yourself. But then you get married and you’re supposed to let someone else take care of you.

You go from being independent to dependent. What was once a virtue becomes a vice. A practice that once guarded your lifestyle can now sabotage your lifestyle. What are we to make of this discrepancy?

The problem here is that the predominant mindset of single women today is in direct conflict with the Christian life. The idea that single women are somehow independent and must fend for themselves is a mindset that conflicts with the sovereignty of God. If we profess Christ, then there is no independent. There is no “fend for yourself.” And there is no “I am in control.”

On the contrary, it is God who is in control. God takes care of you. To be Christian is to be dependent on Him.

An unhealthy independence is easy to hide when you’re on your own, but it quickly becomes apparent when your life is intertwined with another. It is a mindset that short-circuits your ability to trust others because it is founded upon a trust in yourself alone. That said, if you have thoroughly ingrained in your heart and mind a spirit of independence, then you set yourself up for failure in all relationships, not the least of which is your relationship with God.

With all of this in mind, an inability to trust a husband in marriage is not necessarily a marital problem. It is a spiritual one. It comes from years and years of not trusting God to provide and take care of you. When you live in the knowledge that God is in control, it takes a lot of pressure off of trusting others. A trust in God makes all other forms of trust possible.

So if you are single now, begin the hard work of learning submission–submission to God. Regardless of whether or not you get married one day, this is a discipline that will factor into your job, your church, and your family relationships. It is the difference between relating to others in fear, or relating to others in freedom.

That is a struggle that every woman must face and fight, no matter her marital status.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about submission, and since that time I have had some interesting conversations about it. In particular, I started talking with one of my friends about the role of submission in dating. He was asking my thoughts on the topic since submission is part of marriage, and dating is preparation for marriage–given those two presuppositions, is there such a thing as submission in dating? Unfortunately, there are hardly any resources on the subject, so I thought I would follow up the earlier post with some thoughts on the topic.

(And in case you want to read my original post about submission, you can check it out here)

First off, this is an issue that has tripped up many a young lady in the beginnings of a dating relationship. Because we desire a man to be a spiritual leader, some of us will simply hand over the reins and let him determine the direction right away. This can play out in a variety of ways, but in my experience it has led to major problems. The mistake I made was in trusting a man to lead me without taking the time to discern whether he was actually able to do so.

Some men simply aren’t spiritually mature enough to lead you or make wise decisions in their handling of the relationship. Because of this reality, it would be foolish to trust their judgment blindly without first learning whether or not their judgment is Christ-centered.

For instance, in the past I have entered into serious relationships pre-maturely, and walked down many other paths that I knew were dangerous to trod, all because I was following my boyfriend’s leading. I didn’t exercise any kind of real discernment because I thought that I was called to follow him.

With all of that in mind, submission is not entirely appropriate in dating. Dating is the period in which you determine whether or not to submit to a man in marriage. Prior to a marital commitment, you are discerning whether or not he is right for such a radical step of trust.

Granted, there is no man who will be perfect in that regard, but you should be sure to marry a man who will seek God in all areas of his life, including you and your future family. That is the kind of man you are wise in submitting to, but that is not information that you can know with certainty right away. For that reason, it is important that you guard your heart, especially at the beginning.

Now all of this is not to say that the man shouldn’t be a spiritual leader in a dating relationship. On the contrary, he should. BUT, the leadership must be exercised in ever-increasing stages. At first, the man should take the lead in the logistical parts of dating–initiating time together, expressing his intentions, and doing these things in a way that honors you.

Gradually, he should start taking more spiritual and emotional leadership (ie. praying together, reading Scripture together, asking you about your faith, as well as talking about your feelings, long-term commitment, etc.). However, this stage should be done very carefully because women are far more emotionally influenced by spiritual intimacy, so it could usher the relationship into a serious commitment rather quickly.

Now here’s the catch–although the man should be doing all of these things, it is the women’s choice as to whether she will follow. Ladies, this is very important, because it is not your prerogative to follow his leadership if you are not yet sure of his character. In the same way that you wouldn’t go out with a random guy you met in a bar simply because he asked, you don’t need to follow every single suggestion you receive from the guy you’re seeing if you don’t know the source of his judgment.

You see the reason a man should lead in a dating relationship is two-fold. The first is the most obvious–it is preparation for marriage. If he’s not a leader before marriage, he certainly won’t be a leader in marriage. But the second reason that a man should be exercising leadership is that he is demonstrating whether or not his leadership is trustworthy. If he is consistently dependable, thoughtful, and strong, then a woman can trust his leadership because he is earning credibility through his actions. The longer he demonstrates these attributes, then the more she can actively defer to his leadership. This progression of increasing trust will continue all the way into marriage.

If, on the other hand, his decision making is inconsistent or reckless, then you need to be guarded. Don’t follow him simply because he’s a man, but instead exercise discernment. If you reach a point at which you simply cannot trust his leadership, and enough time has passed to make an informed decision, then the relationship needs to end.

In addition to these practical points, there is one final element that sticks out in my mind on the topic of submission. Marital submission is meant to reflect the Church’s relationship to Christ–the Church submits to a king who laid his life down for her. In that instance, submission is freedom.

Having established that, submission in dating is somewhat inappropriate because it requires you to submit to someone who hasn’t laid himself down for you. When you submit to someone in a dating relationship, you engage in a kind of intimacy that was only designed for marriage. The cross teaches us that intimacy and sacrifice go hand in hand, so it is only when a couple professes to lay down their lives for one another that their intimacy reflects the intimacy we have in Christ.

Again, it’s important to let your boyfriend take the lead at some point. Don’t follow him blindly, but if he has earned your trust then don’t fight his leadership–embrace it. For some women, this is more of a heart issue than a guy-specifc issue. Many of us struggle with the concept of submission, simply because we want to be in control. There is, however, a healthy middle ground between blindly following and jaded guardedness. No, there isn’t an airtight formula, but if you prayerfully search your heart in this process, as well as seeking godly counsel, then God will surely direct your steps in this messy, messy business that is Christian dating.

A couple days ago a friend of mine asked me about my approach to the Scripture passages on marital submission. He had just spoken with a fellow student who felt that, while most of the Bible offered hope and redemption to the world, this particular topic has served to perpetuate evil and oppression.

Following the conversation, my friend appealed to me for insight since the perspective of a male carries a little less weight on this topic. Below is a version of the e-mail I wrote in response. I decided to post it today because these passages are indeed difficult and have certainly been abused, but given that Christians do not have the option to ignore them or erase them, we must find a way to engage them such that they cohere with the whole of the Bible. What follows is my approach:

This is a topic I have thought a lot about. I wrote a little about it on my blog, so you can check that out if you want. That particular post deals with authority in general, but at the end I address marital submission. (Click here for that link)

Now in regard to your friend, I think she is confusing submission with oppression. Submission does not mean being a doormat for your husband’s every whim, and it does not legitimize emotional and physical abuse. In light of the way women are treated around the world, that is a very important distinction to make.

Overall, the goal of submission is not blind obedience to your husband. The goal is to build him up as a godly leader. That said, if you simply do everything he tells you without ever questioning or challenging him or holding him accountable, then you’re not really building him up as a godly leader. A husband needs to receive input and wise counsel; he needs an alternative perspective from someone that God created to complement his gifts and personality. Submission cannot, therefore, exclude these things. If it does, then it fails to achieve its ultimate goal.

Similarly, remaining in an abusive relationship does not build up a husband either. Rather, it facilitates his sin, so out of love for her husband and herself, a wife should not enable that behavior to continue by remaining in that relationship. It will not only destroy her, but her husband as well.

There is also another important distinction between godly submission and abuse, and that is the presence of power. In godly submission, a woman has the option not to submit. She can choose not to listen to her husband, or resist his leading–but out of respect for his leadership, she does not exercise that power. (In much the same way that we use our freedom in Christ to become a slave to Christ) So in her freedom she chooses to submit.

Conversely, abuse implies force. In the case of oppression, a woman is stripped of her power. The woman has no choice in the matter–she is trapped by an unhealthy relationship or culture, and has no other option. So whereas submission involves the exercise of freedom, abuse involves the absence of it.

I could write a whole lot more but this is getting long so I will end with this–when you look at the Scriptural commands to husbands, and then look at the Scriptural commands to wives, it’s kind of laughable that women get so upset over what we have to do. You guys have MUCH more responsibility–in addition to all the ways you have to care for us, you are ultimately asked to LAY YOUR LIVES DOWN for us, and that is no small thing. (Eph. 5:22-33)

So given the many, many, many things that God requires of husbands, I have little hesitation in submitting to someone who has been asked to lay his life down for me, given that he’ll be putting my best interest first. This is not a matter of equality or ability–submission is rather a means for accessing God’s provision for women. God desires that men care for us, but we must let them.

No, this is not going to play out perfectly every time because men are sinful and will act selfishly sometimes. But, I find much greater peace in trusting God’s teachings on submission than in trying to control my life all by myself, and constantly making sure that no one takes advantage of me. That is a dismally paranoid and perpetually guarded way to live.

In closing, I want to add 2 things. One–it cannot be restated enough that marriage is to imitate the relationship between Christ and the Church. That said, if you have a problem with submission as it is understood within the context of Scripture, then you must address a greater theological issue. Marriage is designed to reflect Christ and the Church, and the Church submits to Christ, which means that godly marriages must reflect this dynamic as well. To deny the goodness of submission within marriage is to deny the goodness of the Church’s submission to Christ.

Two–I feel compelled to reiterate that submission is meant to create freedom, not oppression, so in the event that someone uses Scripture to legitimize abuse, they are no longer speaking of submission as Scripture understands it. Submission and abuse of any kind are not the same and must never be confused.

So there you have it. A brief examination of a very complex subject, but hopefully this has been helpful for some of you. Given the degree to which these passages have been perverted, it is important to understand them in a healthy way, especially since these perversions have led Christians to ignore the passages altogether. But if we believe that the Bible is the Word of God, then that is a move we are never permitted to make. So we must instead confront the Scriptures head on, and figure out how they fit into the larger paradigm of a God who comes to bring life and hope. Even passages on submission carry such a message.