Theology for Women

Along with the rest of our country, this whole fiasco with Michael Vick has given me a lot of food for thought. As happy as I am that he’s being prosecuted for a heinous crime, it’s very strange that the legal system handles him more swiftly, and the public reacts to him more passionately, than to a person who hurts human beings. Even speaking personally, I hear about murders and rapes on the news all the time, but that information rarely affects me to the extent that I was affected by the stories of these dogs. When I heard about what Vick and the other perpetrators did to those animals, I actually felt sick to my stomach for awhile. If I am so moved by mere dogs, why am I not more affected by the pain and suffering of humans?

My first conclusion would be to assume that we undervalue human life, and while I think there is a great deal of truth to that statement, I think there is another element at work as well. This alternate dynamic dawned on me when I took my own dog to the dog park today.

As I pulled up to the dog park this afternoon, I saw that there was only one dog inside, and it was unfortunately an English Pointer. In other words, it was roughly 8 times the size of Ellie. I thought they might be able to see past their differences and play together peacefully, but because of the dog’s massive size, his idea of playing equalled Ellie’s idea of a near death experience. She was terrified, so she kept jumping into my arms seeking refuge. Finally, I picked her up to comfort her and she was shaking with fear. The other dog’s owner saw how scared Ellie was, so she came over and started petting her, trying to reassure her. I could tell she really liked Ellie as she showered her face with kisses.

Now this bestowal of affection by a stranger onto my dog was not a first. Whenever I take Ellie out, she always elicits smiles from people, and complete strangers will come pet her, many times without even asking permission. And I don’t think this phenomenon is unique to my dog. People feel an instant affection for dogs–they immediately assume the best of them.

But not so with people. We are generally suspicious of people we don’t know, keeping as much distance from strangers as possible, usually assuming the worst. How backwards a world we live in! Why are we so affectionate towards mere animals, yet cold toward our fellow human beings?

This is a direct result of sin. What we love about dogs is that they are loyal and loving, yet without sin. They do nothing out of spite or vengeance, and they accept us just the way we are. They are blindly faithful.

But with humans, even our love is tainted. Even when our intentions are good, sin is still lurking. And because of this sin nature in humans, a nature that so frequently lashes out and wounds, it’s much easier to display unabashed affection on an object that won’t betray your heart. It is this fear of getting hurt that frequently translates into an inordinate amount of love for our pets. It’s not that pets aren’t wonderful things, (I love my dog!) but a tremendous number of people will lavish affection on their animals while being simultaneously unable to tell their own family and friends that they love them.

In short, the sensitivity that humans show animals is not always a devaluing of human life, but a fear of opening up one’s self to human, fallen love. Most of us have been hurt so many times that we choose to only love those things that can’t hurt us.

That, however, is a kind of perverted love that Christ has freed us from. Christ loved the world in in a way that made him the *most* vulnerable, not the least. Christ’s love did not amount to self-preservation–it was quite the opposite. Pure love is able to love freely and without fear because it is secure in God and has no need for affirmation from others. That is the kind of love that a lost world needs, but as long as Christians remain content to hoard God’s grace and love cautiously, then we should not be surprised to see the world continue to lavish its precious gift of love upon mere beasts.

Yes, the Michael Vick scandal has taught us a lot about our culture’s warped understanding of love, but perhaps it reveals even more about our unwillingness to show our world the one, true love.

As a lot of you know, this has been a tough summer for me. My life has not unfolded as nicely and neatly as I imagined it would. One of the biggest points of frustration has been looking for a job–it’s been far more difficult and humbling than I ever imagined it being.

Amidst my discouragement, I was telling someone the other day about the journey I have taken this summer, and at the end of the conversation he offered to pray for me. During the prayer, he said something that startled me. He thanked God for not providing me with a job.

Ironically, I wasn’t startled by the obvious weirdness of his prayer. It didn’t make me mad that he essentially undermined the very prayer I had been praying all summer. Instead, I was more startled by how eerily similar his prayer sounded to the Scripture I had read earlier that morning. I had just been reading 1 Thessalonians 5:18 which instructs us to “give thanks in all circumstances.” After reading this verse, I had spent some time meditating on its implications because “all circumstances” means that we must give thanks for the good things AND the bad things that happens. That is indeed a hard teaching.

Fortunately, my friend’s prayer later that day shed some light on the verse. In the past, when I read 1 Thessalonias 5:18 I assumed we are to give thanks “in all circumstances” because it is in our hardships that God grows and refines us. Both of those are good works for which we should be grateful.

However, there is more to the picture than that. When I ask God for something, and He does not provide, it’s not always because He is disciplining me. At times He may be protecting me, or even allowing me a wonderful experience that I would have missed had I received what I asked for.

All of that to say, I needed to be thankful that God had yet to provide me with a job, not simply because He’s used this as a time to prune me, but because He is saving something better for me. I needed to be thankful that I didn’t have a job yet, because it meant that my desires were far too small, and God was doing more than I could possibly imagine.

So I challenge you–whatever it is that you’ve been asking God for, whether it is a job, a spouse, or some other opportunity, thank God that He has withheld it. But don’t thank Him simply because that is the Christian thing to do, and we are supposed to rejoice in harship and refinement regardless of whether or not we feel like it. Thank Him because He is protecting you, as well as granting you extra blessings in the mean time. Thank Him because the life He has granted you at this moment is, in reality, the very best life you can have. Your present circumstances are, in fact, the greatest blessing He can give you. God is an extremely intentional God, so His timing is precise and perfect. If He hasn’t provided yet, it’s for a reason that is far greater than we can ever conceive, and for that we should be grateful.

And by the way, the day after reading that Scripture and praying with my friend, I got a job.

Right now I am reading a book called “Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God” by J.I. Packer. So far it’s a great read and I recommend it. Packer begins the book by explaining the tension between God’s sovereignty and our personal responsibility. These two seemingly irreconcilable concepts compose what Packer labels as an antinomy: “A contradiction between conclusions that seem equally logical, reasonable or necessary.” In other words, both predestination and free will compose the doctrines to which we Christians ascribe, but they seem to blatantly contradict one another.

I don’t know about you, but the whole subject of predestination and free will has always baffledd me. Most of the time I can just accept that they are both important and leave it at that, but if I begin to think too hard about it, my brain starts to hurt. How can they both exist? And more importantly, how do we explain this concept to unbelievers? When it comes to apologetics, it’s not enough to say, “Well, you just have to trust God.” We need a way to describe this concept so that we can have credibility, rather than sounding like a bunch of wackos who blindly believe in conclusions that the rest of the world knows is insane.

Luckily, Packer provides us with just such an explanation. Apparently the tension between predestination and free will is not the only antinomy in the universe. There is another antinomy that is so common we take it for granted and use it every day, but scientists are still confounded by it. What is it? –> Light! As Packer describes:

“There is cogent evidence to show that light consists of waves, and equally cogent evidence to show that it consists of particles. It is not apparent how light can be both waves and particles, but the evidence is there, and so neither view can be ruled out in favor of the other. Neither, however, can be reduced to the other or explained in terms of the other; the two seemingly incompatible positions must be held together, and both must be treated as true.” (p. 19)

I always get a little suspicious when theologians begin speaking authoritatively about science, so I checked up on this explanation with a friend of mine who has studied science somewhat extensively. He said that Packer is exactly right. Scientists have no idea why light seems to manifest itself in two different ways, but it does. Because of this, scientists can measure light in two different ways–they can measure it by waves or by particles–but neither property can be coincided with or reduced to the other. They are completely different and distinct.

And this is just like predestination and free will! Depending on what part of God’s character you are discussing, you will either talk about God’s sovereignty or our personal responsibility. However, neither one is more determinative than the other, and neither can be reduced to the other. They are both equally present in Scripture, and equally important parts of God’s will.

All of this information has great implication for us as defenders of the faith. If anyone ever accuses you of being illogical by holding to both God’s sovereignty and human free will, you can immediately point to the science of light, since it presents us with an antinomy that the world more readily accepts. It shows us that two seemingly contradictory attributes can still be held in tension with one another to produce something that may be beyond our comprehension, but is still very real. It’s hard to understand how waves and particles work together to compose the essence of light, but the fact that I can see colors and sunsets and smiles means that they work together perfectly and beautifully.

Concluding his explanation, Packer quotes Charles Spurgeon, who, when asked how he could reconcile predestination and free will, responded as follows: “I wouldn’t try. I never reconcile friends.” Yes, friends. Predestination and free will are not enemies to be reconciled–they are working together mysteriously yet masterfully. Perhaps one day scientists will understand the dynamics of light, and one day we will understand the dynamics of God’s soveriegnty as well, but in the mean time they both do a tremendous job of working together to illuminate the world.

You know something that always gets on my nerves? When I’m hanging out with a guy, having fun, getting along, spending time together, and having good conversation–only to find out later, from someone else, that he has a girlfriend.

I hate when this happens, and for a wide variety of reasons. First, it’s extremely shady. I mean, what is he doing? Trying to keep his options open? Scoping out the greener pastures? But even more important than the shadiness factor is that it dishonors the respective girlfriend. Even if I was an ignorant accomplice, I feel like an accomplice nonetheless. Though I couldn’t have known any better, I feel as though I have somehow dishonored her by having an inappropriate interaction with her boyfriend. And I’m not even talking about flirting that’s over the top–behavior that is even remotely flirtatious, like extended eye contact or giggling at his jokes–if I give a guy the smallest degree of attention, only to find out that he has a girlfriend, I end up feeling like a total floozy.

But it got me to thinking–when exactly is flirting, or even a certain degree of intimacy with a guy friend, inappropriate? Obviously it is wrong to flirt with a guy who has a girlfriend, but in reality, most guys will end up with girlfriends or even wives, so are we dishonoring those future women with our behavior?

Granted, flirting and intimacy are positive things in the right context–if you are interested in a guy, flirting can be a healthy way to let the guy know you’re interested, as long as it’s not taken too far. What’s more, it is important for two people who are interested in one another to spend time in conversation, conversation about things that matter and are close to their hearts. Such a degree of initimacy is certainly appropriate. And in this way, flirting and intimacy aren’t evils in and of themselves.

Yet I wonder if our guidelines for flirting should be similar to those guidelines for sexual purity. In addition to other reasons, we should abstain from having sex with someone we are not married to because that person may very well marry someone else. We therefore have no business engaging in such intimacy with another person’s spouse. But can the same be said of flirting? Should we be just as cautious about our behavior in this area, given that we could be flirting with someone else’s furture boyfriend or husband?

In all honesty, I think that is extreme, but it is a perspective that should at least give us pause, or keep our motives in check. No matter who we interact with, whether we are interested in dating them or not, we should first and foremost think of them as our brothers in Christ, and treat them accordingly. But in addition to that, we should treat every guy, whether we’re dating him or not, according to the reality that he may very well marry someone else, and we need to be able to honor that future relationship, whenever it may come. This does not mean that flirting should never ever happen, or that you shouldn’t get to know the guy you’re interested in, but simply be intentional about honoring his future marriage. As long as you are glorifying God and putting your guy friend’s best interest first, then flirting is certainly permissible, if not beneficial.

No, this title is not a reference to that racy t.v. show on Showtime. Instead, I’m referring to the other L word, the word that girls almost never talk about, and that is lust. Lust has always been seen as a “guy problem.” When any guy is struggling with a sin, it frequently seems to involve something related to lust, but for the longest time I struggled to understand what that even meant. When I see a guy in a bathing suit I might think, “Nice six pack” or “Oh, he’s pretty cute,” but it basically ends at that. I’ve never had thoughts about men that were even in the same category as the kind of “lust” that my guy friends have described. And as a result of this disconnect, I spent years being baffled by what this sin of lust even meant, so I largely assumed it was a guy struggle, and left it at that.

For the most part, I think that a lot of girls feel the way I do. They can’t relate to the way guys lust after girls, so they write it off as a guy thing, and assume it’s not their problem. Unfortunately, this is an illusion. Not only do girls struggle with lust, but the idea that lust is a purely male sin can be very detrimental. It not only enables us to sin in ignorance, but it can also make the girls who openly struggle with lust feel like they are especially perverted or unfeminine. In reality, neither is the case.

So, I would like to give a brief outline of what lust looks like from the girl point of view. Here are two key ways that it can play out:

(If you’re a guy and you’re still reading this I want to warn you that what follows is a fairly candid discussion, so it may not be quite as edifying for you, and you may want to stop reading)

1. Physically. Contrary to popular opinion, girls have just as much of a sexual drive as men. For some reason, men are generally assumed to be the only ones who can’t wait to have sex, but I know a whole heck of a lot of girls who want to as well. Because we have this desire, we are going to be tempted towards it in many of the same ways that guys are. The first and most obvious way is in a physical relationship with a guy. If you and your boyfriend keep pushing the boundary back, then simple biology is going to lead you to desire sex. That is the very reason *why* you keep pushing that boudnary back–your body wants to get you closer and closer to that point. So, if this is an area in which you struggle, then you are struggling with the sin of lust.

However, lust plays out in a variety of ways. Just like men, women struggle with pornography, masturbation, homosexuality or randomly hooking up with guys they’ve just met. To some extent, there is some common ground between male and female motives in this–when you are stimulated sexually, it triggers a biological reaction that is physically pleasurable, so you enjoy the feeling even if no other person is present.

But, there is an even more common motive that compels girls to lust, a motive that is unique to women, and that is their desire to feel beautiful and attractive. When you hook up with a guy, you feel desirable and feminine. Even if you’re the only one involved in the scenario, (like in the case of pornography) you can still feel sexual and attractive. In this way, giving into this form of lust is not merely about how good it makes you feel physically, but how good it makes you feel emotionally. Women give into lust because it soothes a yearning inside them to feel like a beautiful woman, and in a world that often makes us feel unattractive, we will sometimes take what we can get. Lust is therefore less about sexual desire and more about lack of contentment in God.

2. Mentally. For those girls who aren’t giving into lust in a physical way, there are nevertheless a lot of women who still struggle with lust. The word “lust” itself refers to an inordinate desire, so lust can refer to a whole slew of areas in which we desire something beyond that which God has given to us. But, one of the most obvious ways it plays out among women is in boy craziness. Maybe you don’t hook up with a lot of guys, but if you are thinking about boys all the time, then you too might be struggling with lust. By this I do not mean it’s wrong to think about a guy a lot if you are interested in dating him. That is normal. However there is a phenomenon in which girls think about all boys all the time and talk about it with their friends incessantly–wherever you go, whether it be class, work, the mall, or even church, you are constantly looking out for boys to crush on, flirt with, dress cute for, and so on. Or, you are constantly talking to your girl friends about some cute guy you saw on the quad or another boy you want to impress. Girls are wonderful at feeding on one another in this respect. But being boy crazy is to have an inordinate desire, because it consumes your thought life. You live and breathe to get the attention of guys, and that is a healthy desire gone awry.

So those are just two ways in which girls struggle with lust. I’m sure there are many more, but for now I merely wanted to dispel the idea that men are the only ones who struggle with it. I am positive that that lie keeps many women in bondage to their sin, because they think they are especially messed up and are therefore too ashamed to confess it. That needs to change. In reality, we all struggle with it to one degree or another, so it’s time that we start talking about.

p.s. In case you’re interested in reading more on the topic, I hear that Joshua Harris’ book “Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)” takes a good look at all sides of this issue.

Right now I’m reading a book on singleness, but before you groan and think “Here we go again! Another lame book about dating…” I want you to know that it’s one of the best books on singleness I’ve read. It’s a recently published book entitled “Now and Not Yet” by Jennifer A. Marshall.

What is refreshing about this book is the intellectual perspective with which she approaches the subject. Rather than merely addressing the feelings associated with singleness, and then proposing how to fight those feelings, Marshall looks at where the feelings come from in the first place.

Specifically, she pinpoints the disconnect between our expectations of marriage and the reality of marriage. While the culture of dating and marriage has changed since our parents’ generation, our expectations of dating and marriage have not adjusted accordingly.

When our parents were young, the average age of marriage was 21, but now the average age is 25. Unfortunately, most young women, especially in the South, still hope to get married shortly after college, even though that is no longer norm. What results is disillusionment, disappointment, bitterness, and despair when things don’t work out the way we planned.

I find Marshall’s assessment to be both accurate and insightful. Her explanation will hopefully wake women up to the world in which they live so that they stop conducting their lives in a false construction of reality. Marshall’s book is a great correction for us all, and we do well to ask ourselves if we our expectations of life line up with what’s realistic, as well as what is God’s truth.

In addition to her helpful perspective, I especially love the title of the book itself: Now and Not Yet. The reason I find this title so helpful is that it actually provides us with a theological perspective on singleness. It broadens our perspective on the topic by comparing the state of singleness to the state of being a Christian. “Now and not yet” perfectly summarizes what it means to be a Christian in a fallen world–Christ has conquered sin and death, and we have been saved by grace, but these two realities have yet to be completely fulfilled. Christ has conquered sin, yet sin persists in the world. As a result of these conflicting realities, we find ourselves living in a state of in-between–we experience parts of Christ’s victory, but he has yet to return and bring the victory to its completion.

There is still pain and suffering in the world, and there is still sin and strife. Our salvation is a reality *now,* but the fullness of our salvation is *not yet.* And so we wait.

It is the same with singleness. On the one hand, we are whole in every way because Christ is sufficient for us. All our needs are met in Christ, and that is enough. However, we are also waiting. As Marshall puts it, we are desiring marriage to “deepen life, not to escape it,” but we are desiring it nonetheless. So in the same way that we as Christians find ourselves in a state of “now and not yet,” so too with our singleness.

With all of that in mind, the way that Christians should live in the waiting is similar to how singles should live in the waiting. Just because we know that sin will persist in this world until Christ returns does not mean we should throw up our hands until that day. Just because we know the ending does not mean we are to sit and do nothing until that inevitable ending comes.

Yes, sin is still present in the world and will continue to be present for awhile, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight it. On the contrary, God calls us to be warriors in a spiritual battle. This portion of God’s salvation history is no less important than the ending.

If the ending was all that mattered, then God would cut straight to it. Clearly, He has more in mind than mere victory–He has something to accomplish here and now, so we would be foolish to miss out on it because we are too busy looking ahead.

In the same way, we should be careful not to waste one season because we are too busy looking ahead to another. Yes, marriage is a wonderful gift, but it is no more wonderful than the gifts that God has for us today. If this period of time was worthless, then God wouldn’t have included it in our lives, so we must be wary of squandering it.

It is ok to hope for marriage in the same way it is right to hope for Christ’s quick return, but the purpose of that future hope is to shine new light on the present. We can have strength, courage and boldness today because we know of what is to come. Similarly, singles can have strength and boldness today because we know that God has great plans for us in the future. That reassurance does not mean we should waste the present, but instead maximize it.

Being a Christian means living in a constant state of “already and not yet,” and it can be excruciating at times. Sometimes we simply want this hardship and waiting to be over. But, God has chosen not to end the sin in this world just yet, and I want to find out why. God is not arbitrary, so He has a specific purpose in having us wait, and I don’t want to miss out on that purpose.

In the same way, God has not ended my singleness for a reason, so instead of pining away for the “not yet,” I intend to find out what blessings He has for me “now.” At times a person’s singleness can feel just as oppressive as worldly sin and suffering, but our Redeemer God works mightily through both, so I can’t wait to see what He does through me.

Over the weekend I went to Camp Caswell for the Summit college leaders retreat. It was a great time to spend with the other leaders I’ll be working with this year, as well as hitting the beach, and talking about our vision.

In addition to those activities, we spent some time in prayer, asking God for revival on the college campuses, and it was during this time that I couldn’t help but feel a little skeptical. I have been to numerous retreats and leadership meetings in which we prayed for spiritual renewal in our region, asking God to do big things for the sake of His name, and that we could be a part of it. And yet, despite all this fervent praying, I haven’t seen much change. Rather than witnessing sweeping revival, it seems more like the Christian culture has barely kept its head above water.

So that got me to thinking–is the church really making a difference? Is all of this praying and laboring really accomplishing anything? Would the world even notice if the church was gone?

In reflecting on this question, I have come to an encouraging realization. Although we don’t always see the kind of radical renewal that we often pray for, the church is still very much at work. Countless social justice organizations are backed by the Christians and funded by churches. So many initiatives to address AIDS in africa and to feed the hungry and to fly in when a natural disaster strikes are all carried out by Christians and their churches.

What’s more, there are a lot of churches throughout the country, and the world, that are growing exponentially. In fact, the largest church in the world is in South Korea, and the number of Christians in China are growing every day. Although the explosion of Christian conversions has not happened right in front of my face, it is nevertheless happening.

But I think that one of the main reasons I feel like the church isn’t doing all that much is because our culture has largely come to take our efforts for granted. I don’t think our nation realizes to what a great extent Christians aid the government in caring for the poor and disenfranchised. If the church suddenly disappeared, there would likely be enormous economic consequences for our country because such a huge financial burden would be placed on the government.

So just because we’ve taken the church’s work for granted, doesn’t mean it’s not at work. Just because I have yet to see sweeping revival does not mean it won’t happen, and that we’re only about keeping our heads above water. On the contrary, the church is very much at work, so I should not lose faith in the church or God’s ability to work through it, simply because I have failed to see the mighty ways in which it is being used.

That leaves us with only one challenge, I suppose. If I, a Christian, am overlooking the church’s presence in this world, then I have no doubt the world is too. How, then, are we to make new marks on this world, and stand out in new ways? How do we continue to be salt in a world that has adjusted to the taste of salt? That is the question…

Somewhat continuing the theme of my last post, I found a quote that I thought was really poignant. It comes from John MacArthur’s study of 1 and 2 Peter:

“A guard who sees the enemy approaching does not run out and start fighting. He reports the attack to his commanding officer, who then organizes the defense. When Satan attacks it is foolish to try to do battle with him alone. Like the soldier on guard duty, we should simply report to the Commander and leave the defense in His hands.”

When something difficult happens in our lives, if we are hurt or confused, scared or alone, it’s easy to try and fix the problem ourselves. Being a control freak myself, I usually try to handle things my own way, not only in the unhealthy ways that I described in my last post, but through seemingly healthy ways as well–talking to godly people, memorizing Scripture, etc. However, these behaviors can sometimes mask the fact that we’re still trying to take the reins ourselves, instead of handing them over to God.

That’s why the above quote is so helpful to me–it reveals how ludicrous that behavior is. If I were a soldier and I saw the enemy coming, I would not run out and try to fight the whole army myself. Not only would I be physically unable to do so, but I would be inexperienced and short-sighted since I wouldn’t have all the information. It would make much more sense to report back to a General who has more experience, knows the whole picture, and can provide me with immeasurably more strength and might than I have on my own.

So that is what we must do. When you face a challenge or a difficulty, remind yourself that you’re in the midst of a battle, so you’ve got to think like a soldier, and fight like a soldier, which therefore means deferring to your higher ranking officer. Don’t try to take care of things yourself, which can even mean backing off from talking to Christian friends or engaging in other “Christian” disciplines that tempt you to command the reins yourself. Instead, cast yourself upon God’s mercy, and pray for His direction. He may guide you back to some of those Christian practices you would have initially pursued yourself, but let Him be the one to make the call. There’s no need to carry the great burden of a General who is leading a war when you are little more than a lowly foot soldier. I certainly don’t want that pressure. And from that respect, taking control sounds like a responsibility I would gladly surrender to One who is more capable than I.

Today I flipped on the t.v. just in time to catch a glance of the latest scene in what seems to be Britney Spears’ gradual emotional meltdown. At first, my reaction was the same as it’s always been each time I’m bombarded with tales of her escapades–disgust mixed with pity. But this time, my reaction shifted. Somehow, seeing yet another story about her crazy decisions and poor choices splashed across the t.v. screen stirred something new inside me. Instead of pointing a finger of judgment at her and then going on with my day, I hesitated. For the first time in all these months that we’ve heard about her downward spiraling life, her actions resounded with something deep inside me. No, I have not shaved my head or partied with an endles string of men, but there is a desperation to her behavior that I can recognize in my own heart. Suddenly, her actions do not seem so strange to me.

You see, I got to thinking about what this poor girl has gone through, and it helped me to make sense of the decisions she has subsequently made. She married a man and had children with him, only to be hounded by the press the entire length of their marriage. Then, under allegations of his unfaithfulness, the marriage crumbles, only increasing the scrutiny of the media. Every tiny wrong turn that she makes is blown up and criticized by everyone under the sun. So, at the very young age of 25, she is trying to cope with her divorce and take care of her kids, all while the paparazzi is plaguing her every moment of every day. The girl is in a pressure cooker.

Now the reason I am writing this is not because I’m trying to start a movement to band together in support of Britney Spears, though I do think we should have more sympahty for people in her position. Rather than jumping so quickly to judge, we should first move to love them and pray for them. But the reason I bring this up is that I see her behavior play out, to a lesser degree, in countless women around me, including myself. Britney Spears’ lifestyle is merely an extreme example, but a good one nevertheless, of what happens when a woman allows her self-esteem to be stripped away, and then desperately seeks to restore it by running to the world.

Just like Britney, I myself have been in a number of bad relationships that have left me feeling unlovable, unattractive, stupid, and foolish. And it’s not all the guys’ fault–I allowed myself to feel this way. But as a result of these relationships, I have run to various ungodly outlets to soothe my feelings of inadequacy. I’ve sought it in purely physical relationships with guys, in flirting with guys, in trying to look cute and put together all the time, in looking thin, and even through my involvement at church. I did all these things to feel better about myself, to feel that I was a good person, an attractive person, therefore numbing those feelings of low self-worth.

And in addition to all these things, I have put my heart on lock-down. I have done everything in my power to protect myself from any sort of pain, which often means trusting people less, becoming more sarcastic so that no one can one-up me, and being more selfish with my time. I’m living as though I need to look out for myself first and foremost, because nobody else will. In the same way, you see girls get drunk on the weekends and hook up with an endles string of random guys, but they’re not doing it simply because they have loose morals–they’re doing it because it’s easier to stay emotionally unattached that way. It’s easier to not know the guy you’re kissing, because it’s less likely you’ll develop feelings for him. And it’s easier to hook up with someone in a drunken haze because then you don’t remember enough to become attached to them. Christians don’t always behave quite as explicitly, but we are just as guilty of living for ourselves. The result of living in self-protection is living selfishly. I think we are all guilty of that at some time or another.

All of that to say, if you have been hurt by someone or if you suffer from low self-esteem and you are running toward everything you can think of except God, then you and Britney Spears are in the same company. Just because you run to your friends or your church does not mean you are running to God–whining with your friends about how you hate being single and how much guys stink is not so different from going out with your friends and getting trashed. They are all coping mechanisms that supplant God. Yes, running to God can be the painful thing to do in the short-run because it forces you to address the feable crutches that hold up yourself esteem. But, running toward God instead of finding quick fixes or hunkering down so no one can hurt you, will actually make you stronger. He will prune you, and it wil hurt, but that is what it will take to deliver us from the downward spiral of self-medicating lifestyles. After all, we are not so different from Britney Spears.

A couple of days ago I was yelled at by a gas station cashier, and I’m still kind of upset about it. Here’s how it all went down…

I pulled into a gas station one evening to fill up, but when I swiped my credit card the pump said it was “invalid.” The reason it did this is that there is a tiny little dent in my card that prevents some machines like gas pumps from reading it, but the main cash registers always work, so I went inside. As I explained to the cashier that I needed to pump some gas, she looked at her computer and abruptly said, “But your card is invalid. You can’t use it here.” I then tried to explain the situation with the dent, and asked if she could simply use it inside, but she merely replied, “You can’t use it here. It won’t work. You need to call your bank and get a new card.”

Starting to feel a little frustrated, I tried to explain that even though it didn’t work at the pump, it would probably work inside, or at least she could punch in the numbers by hand. Somehow, this sent her over the edge. All of a sudden she started yelling at me saying, “If I went into your office I wouldn’t tell you how to do your job! I told you it won’t work, which means it won’t work, so you need to get a new card!” She actually went on longer than that, but when she finally took a breath I tried to reassure her, “I wasn’t trying to be a jerk or anything. I just didn’t understand…” But then off she went again. This time she told me that if she had come into the office where I worked and asked a question, that, having received the answer, she would say ‘thank you’ and leave. So, that’s exactly what I did….steaming mad.

It really bothers me when people are rude to you for no reason at all, especially when they’re supposed to be the ones serving you. Whatever happened to customer service? Isn’t the customer supposed to be always right? I have a lot of sympathy for people like cashiers and waiters since they deal with rude people all the time, so it baffled me when this lady was so mean to me even though I considered myself to be a polite customer.

But what has bothered me even more since that night has been my response to her. At no time did I react out of anger, though I was tempted to several times. However, my pride kept me from doing much more. You see, following the incident I described the experience to several of my friends, and even though they shared my indignance, most of them also expressed a perspective that surprised me. Almost each person speculated, “She must have been having a really bad day!” And in the back of my mind, as I stood there taking that lady’s emotional assault, I knew this. I knew there was probably more to the story than a simple invalid credit card, but I pushed that out of my mind in favor of being angry.

Scripture tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, and I’m realizing that it’s easy to do the second two without doing the first. You may not speak your mind, and you may not even get all that angry, but that doesn’t mean you’re listening to someone. I did not listen to this woman. And by that I do not mean that I should have more carefully considered the gas station policy on credit card usage. Rather, I didn’t listen to the woundedness behind her words. Instead of storming off mad, I should have been patient, maybe even asked her if she was doing ok, or apologized, or at least asked her more about her job. Anything to keep her talking so that I could perhaps comfort her since she was so clearly unhappy. But I didn’t want to listen, because it meant possibly enduring an even longer verbal lashing, and my pride wouldn’t stand for it.

What a wake-up call this experience has been! I have realized that I am by no means ready at all times to give a reason for the faith I profess. Instead, I am at all times ready to defend my honor and my right to be treated well. When cornered, it is my pride, not my faith, that I instinctively defend. So this whole thing has been a reality check for me. When someone attacks you without warning, the first thing you seek to protect will reveal your greatest priority in life. My priority is neither God, nor others, but myself. Humbling information, but I guess God had a purpose behind the gas station drama after all.