Theology for Women

Well yesterday I received a fair amount of feedback on my blog. I had no idea my thoughts would be so controversial! I talked to my pastor about it some, and he felt that I was not wrong for being so honest about my thought process. He did, however, advise me to be cautious in my honesty since some people who haven’t been reading my blog long or carefully might get the wrong idea and be led astray about what is a healthy approach to singleness, versus an unhealthy approach.

So in the interest of being above reproach, I wanted to follow up yesterday’s post with some final thoughts. First and foremost, I want to reiterate that my frustrations with the church were not meant to be read as coming from the most Christ-centered part of my heart. As I mentioned before, my thoughts went through a *process,” and I had hoped that in leading you through that process, you yourself might be able to leave your frustrations behind and enter into a more profitable state of mind.

I had also hoped that by being honest about my frustrations in singleness, my honesty would prevent some of you from feeling completely isolated in your struggles. I find there to be nothing more defeating than talking with Christians who can’t relate to my struggles, and merely tell me to “buck up.” What I find far more edifying is when Christians admit, “Hey I’m right there with you! Let me share with you how I’m working through it.” That said, I’m sorry if my honesty came off as a belittling of the family or of marriage, because that was not at all my intent.

Having said that, I also feel the need to reemphasize that the family is of the utmost importance. It is one of the most fundamental building blocks of our culture, and should be treated with that degree of honor. However, I think one of the commenters said it best when she mentioned that the stark distinction between marrieds and singles is probably not a healthy one. That comment gets to the heart of what I meant to convey in the last post–

When I argued that churches need to be held accountable for their ministries to singles, I did not mean that we should have more singles events and worship services. On the contrary, singles should be enveloped into the larger life of the church. Instead of having ministries that are JUST for married people or JUST for single people, we need to be intentional about ministering to BOTH, holistically. To divide up these demographics can be practical at times, but ultimately undermines the very essence of the Church if taken to an extreme.

We should therefore keep in mind the extent of our connectedness. Single people will one day be married, so it makes no sense to focus solely on putting out fires in marriage, fires that could have been prevented had we properly nurtured single people. Likewise, solid, Christ-centered families can minister effectively to those without families if we equip them to do so.

As the Body of Christ, we are all intimately connected to one another, so any ministry should have the whole Body in mind. A ministry that focuses on one demographic alone without at least keeping the rest of the Body in mind will become inherently narcissistic. And single people are just as guilty of this as married people.

Wherever you are in life, you are going to have your own struggles. As another commenter wrote, marriage can be extremely difficult, so it’s not as if us singles are the only ones with hardship. That said, we will all need ministering to at one time or another, but what we do well to remember is that there is no “me” or “them.” There is only “us,” as we are united in Christ. That is our primary identity, which means we should help our churches minister to the whole Body as effectively as possible, no matter the stage in life. I should be just as invested in the success of my friends’ marriages as they are in helping me to maximize this season of my life.

That, I believe, should be our ultimate goal. It’s okay if you are not there yet–clearly I am not–but I pray that my brothers and sisters will show me the grace I need to get there along the way.

Last week I almost didn’t tithe….deliberately.

The sermon had just ended and I was sitting in my seat, all ready to stick my little check in the offering bucket. Then one of the pastors made an announcement about an upcoming event, and I immediately reconsidered my decision. He explained that, in connection with the current sermon series on dating and marriage, the church staff would babysit everyone’s children so that parents could have a date night together. In addition to this gesture, the church would even provide the couples with $20 toward their evening. All of this was in the spirit of building up our members’ marriages, encouraging them to implement the principles they’d learned from the pulpit.

Well as soon as I heard this, I almost withheld my tithe. I live on a very meager salary, so while I don’t mind tithing for the purpose of running the church, sending people on missions, and aiding in charity, I wasn’t about to give my money away so that other people, who have more money than I do, could go out on a date. If that’s how the church was gonna use it, then I might as well hold onto it for myself! After all, I could use a date! Why do the people who already have a spouse and a job need my hard-earned money?

So I sat there for a moment or two, debating whether or not I should still give my tithe. Eventually the better side of me won out, and I gave my tithe anyway. As a member of my church, I trust, honor and respect the decisions of my leaders, so I decided to submit myself to them in this case, even if I didn’t fully understand. But I’m not gonna lie–I still feel a little irked about the whole thing. Sometimes being single is the pits.

(In light of some of the comments posted since I wrote this post, I feel the need to add that this was not meant to be an indictment of my church, which I LOVE very much. It was instead meant to be an honest reflection of my thought process. I have always desired that my honesty about my struggles might help others work through their own struggles. While I started at a place of frustration, I tried to end with a more godly attitude, which is the trajectory of what follows…)

Now before you assume that I’m writing this solely to vent my frustration, I want you to know that the idea for this post did not originate with me. It actually came from a pastor in Minnesota who is himself married. He wrote me with the following question, which took on new significance to me in light of this recent church experience:

How do churches, in an effort to emphasize healthy family ministry, send unintentional and innuendoed messages that say, “if you’re not a family (mom, dad, 2.5 kids, and a dog) you won’t fit in here.”

Some examples: displaying pictures of church leaders that include their families (message=gotta have a family to be a leader); family camping outing (message=not for singles); supper 8s (message=this is an event for couples, thus the even number). Am I overdoing this or am I on to something?… tell me what you really think.

When I first read this question several weeks ago, my initial reaction was one of slight disconnect. Honestly, being single is not something I struggle with very often. When there is an occasional church event for married couples, it doesn’t really phase me. Sure, there have been times when I’ve yearned for a husband, but it’s not a thorn in my side, and I generally haven’t felt like my church was alienating me in that regard.

But over the last several weeks as my pastor has preached through Song of Solomon, I’ve begun to see how many single people might feel that way. I’ve heard numerous statistics about how much happier married people are than single people, how married sex is better than single sex, and how marriage is the best means for sanctification that God has given us.

(And I can’t fail to mention that our “homework” at the end of each sermon has gone something like: “Single people: make a list of standards you should have for your spouse. Married people: go have mind-blowing sex.” Umm, can I please have the married people’s homework??)

So all of these subtle and not so subtle messages slowly piled up in my head, culminating with the announcement about the date night. That was the final straw. I felt that, while we are instructed to find completion in Christ alone, we are simultaneously taught that life is most rich and fulfilling when shared with a spouse. In doing so, our church leaders seem to be talking out of two different sides of their mouths.

And the more I have reflected on this, the more I have realized its effects on me. Like I said, I have always been content with my singleness, but I am starting to suspect that my contentment was merely an illusion. It’s not that I had accepted the possibility of never getting married, and was at peace with it. Rather, I was at peace with being single NOW, assuming that one day I will get married. My contentment rested on the hope of eventually getting married, not my fulfillment in Christ alone.

When I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that my life will be missing something, somehow incomplete, if I don’t get married and have kids. And while there is a degree to which these desires are entirely God-given, there are times when our churches are irritating the waiting process.

This leaves us with an interesting predicament. On the one hand, marriage is one of the most fundamental building blocks of a healthy culture and church, so it’s important to build up our marriages as effectively as we can. That said, the solution to discontented singles is not to stop talking about marriage.

On the other hand, has the emphasis on building up the family become lop-sided? I suspect that it has, but how do we re-center ourselves?

In my opinion, there are two solutions to this problems, both of which require action on the part of us singles. Let us never become the sort of Christians who sit around and complain, but never do anything about it. The Church belongs to us as well, so we need to take ownership in its ministry. With that in mind, here’s what I believe we need to be doing:

1) Help your leaders in ministering to singles. If the sermons and ministries are becoming married-centric, voice your concerns to the pastors in a constructive and gentle way. Our leaders aren’t mind-readers, so they can’t know you are frustrated or struggling if you don’t tell them. Also, offer them ideas for ministering to single people, and when you propose your ideas, don’t simply expect them to take care of it for you–help them! Give of your time in serving the church so that they can more easily implement the changes you have proposed.

2) Continue striving for contentment in Christ alone. I know this sounds like a bit of a cop out, but no matter how hard your church tries, they can never make you feel secure if you yourself are not working toward that end. We have got to take responsibility for our own satisfaction in Christ, and as long as we live in a culture that sells sex and relationships as the ultimate source of happiness, this will be a struggle. It is a battle you must resolve to fight.

As someone who is in the trenches with you, please know that you are not alone if you are feeling lonely or frustrated. But as the saying goes, lonely single people only make for lonely married people, so the answer does not lie in finding a mate. The more we embrace this truth, the more we will experience peace. Not only do I desire such a peace, but I want to be so enveloped in Christ’s love that my only reaction to announcements about date nights and sermons about sex is rejoicing. Praise God for the gift of marriage! Maybe I will have that gift one day, but whether or not I do, I already have the greatest gift of all.

In the last 2000 years, Christians have done more than their fair share of stupid things. From insisting that the sun revolves around the earth, and persecuting those who say otherwise, to boycotting the anti-Christ that is Mickey Mouse, we have certainly made ourselves look silly. And those are only the minor infractions–I am ashamed to look back on the crusades, or the institution of slavery, knowing that Christians endorsed those murderous practices in the name of Jesus. Amidst all of those hypocritical decisions and behaviors, Christians certainly deserve some criticism.

Given this reality, it has become trendy in Christian circles to join in the chorus of mockers. The world wants to know if we recognize our own short-comings, so in an effort to be authentic, Christians are becoming increasingly vocal in their self-criticism.

This is, in some measure, healthy and warranted. We should never be so arrogant as to think that we are perfect. As 1 John 1 reminds us, when we believe we are without sin, then we deceive ourselves. What’s more, we strengthen our credibility when we admit our own faults. After viewing each documentary on the latest corrupt televangelist, my brother will call and ask what I think about it. For me to respond, “I disagree with that preacher. He is clearly in the wrong” assures my non-believing brother that I have not, in fact, been brain-washed, and that there are Christians who can think for themselves and recognize right from wrong.

But what concerns me is that this trend is frequently taken too far. It’s one thing for Lutherans to tell the occasional joke about themselves, or for Presbyterians to laugh about their “frozen chosenness”, but there comes a point at which this criticism is no longer fruitful. At some point, it stops being helpful and starts turning into slander.

Now the line between constructive criticism and slander is often hard to discern. I would liken it to gossip in the form of prayer requests–there are times when Christians deserve critique, but how do we go about voicing such concerns without tearing one another down, or ruining the Church’s reputation? Are we stating our thoughts carefully, gently, discerningly? Or are we throwing out defamatory statements merely to vent our frustrations, or to sound politically correct? Many times, I fall into the latter category.

As a member of a Baptist church and as a staff person in a Baptist ministry, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard Baptists dog one another. “Baptists who don’t drink are so narrow-minded,” or “Baptist bureaucracy is worthless. It’s just a waste of time and money,” or “Most Baptist pastors only care about conversion numbers, but you’ll never hear a sermon about the poor.” Whenever I hear people talk like this, I often think to myself, “Then why are you a Baptist??”

And the truth is, Baptists are not alone in this practice. Most denominational members engage in some degree of self-loathing. In fact, most Christians talk this way about other Christians in general. And when we do this, I can’t help but wonder what non-Christians think. If I were them, I would probably ask, “Why the heck are you a Christian if you seem to hate other Christians so much?” Not exactly the kind of group you’d want to be a part of.

That is why I challenge you to watch your tongue when you speak about the Church. Yes, the Church is populated by sinners, so we are all bound to mess up, but we are still the very Body of Christ–his hands and feet–so we need to speak about that Body with the honor and reverence that it deserves. This does not mean that we are always above reproach, but it should at least challenge us to dress our criticism in respect, grace and love.

Perhaps the best way to know if your criticism of Christians is fruitful, as opposed to slanderous, is to monitor the motivation and the quantity of it. Why are you saying these things? Is it because you are genuinely concerned about a problem, and you are willing to bring about change, or are you going to sit on the sidelines like a whining hypocrite who points out problems that you’ll never do anything about? And how often are you spewing this venom? Are you constantly complaining, or are you balancing your concerns with praise and affirmation of those Christians who are out doing the Lord’s work?

And finally, remember that you are a sinner saved by grace. I often think about how those slanderous comments are as so utterly ironic. It’s as if the speaker has never sinned, and is scandalized by the fact that God actually let sinners inside His Church. If we were to have any sort of grasp on our own sin, and the extent to which we’ve been forgiven, then we would spend less time judging each other and spend more time showing the grace that has been shown us. We only reveal ourselves to be the greatest of hypocrites when we judge others for being judgmental, or we gossip about others who gossip. Let us stop this nonsense now, and instead do the hard work of being known for love. It’s not as easy as complaining about the latest “dumb decision” that your convention made, but God didn’t exactly call us to “easy.”

When William Shakespeare coined the above phrase in his description of jealousy, he hit the nail right on the head. Jealousy is a monster that will eat you alive if you only give it the chance. The more I think on it, the more I am sure of that truth, which is why we Christians must wage war on this beast. If we do not, it will consume us.

Few things have poisoned my friendships and robbed me of joy in life more than jealousy. If a friend started dating a guy that I liked, I let jealousy rule the day–things became awkward between us, I wasn’t happy for her when the romance flourished, and eventually the relationship withered.

Similarly, jealousy has led me to become incredibly dissatisfied with the life God has given me. If someone married the kind of man I wanted, or if a friend’s career was really taking off and he was making lots of money, or if another friend’s ministry was thriving more than mine, I was unable to share in their joy. Instead, I felt frustrated that things hadn’t come so easily to me.

And don’t even get me started about when I drive over to UNC’s campus to meet with students. For some reason that school is populated with an inordinate number of tall, skinny blonde girls who always look adorable, even when it’s early in the morning. As soon as I look at them, I immediately wish I had their legs, hair, nose, teeth, etc. Then I look at myself and think, “Why them? Why can’t I look like that? Why is my life so boring and mundane compared to those other glamorous and successful people?”

(I don’t know how I make the jump to thinking that they’re glamorous and successful based on their appearance alone, but that’s just the kind of distorted perceptions that come from jealousy)

That said, the time at which my jealousy becomes most abhorrent is when someone receives a gift or blessing that they don’t deserve. (Or I should say, in my opinion they don’t deserve) Then, the entire world seems entirely unjust–how could God reward someone for work they have not done, while I am busting my butt to get ahead and I receive nothing?

This form of jealousy can be particularly nasty because we feel more free to gossip about the person. It’s one thing if our jealousy is focused on a nice person (it’s hard to complain about someone who experiences a success that they earned), but if the person of whom we are jealous is unfriendly or has blatant moral short-comings, then we feel a liberty to complain more vocally: “I just don’t understand why all the guys like her when she’s so high maintenance” or “I don’t know why they would make her a lead singer in the choir if her personal life is so sketchy” or “I don’t understand why he got a raise when he’s so lazy.”

All of these thoughts stem directly from jealousy. They also take root in our hearts, growing fruits of discontentment as we become increasingly dissatisfied with the lives God has given us. The grass always seems greener on the other side.

But the big question remains: Where does this jealousy come from? Why is it so difficult to be happy for another? Shouldn’t our friends’ joys be our joys? Shouldn’t we desire good things for those whom we love.

Thr truth is that there are many reasons we feel jealous–we are selfish, we love ourselves more than others, we have deluded ourselves into thinking that other people are happier than we are, simply because of material comforts, and we are not trusting in God’s perfect plan for our lives.

But perhaps the greatest reason for jealousy is a profound misunderstanding of the grace that has been extended to us in Christ. Not only has God given us infinitely more than we could ever deserve (think of the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant), but He has also given us more than we could ever need.

Our salvation is not one good among many. It is not some sort of starting point from which we can begin to live the good life. Salvation in Christ is the good life. It is all we will ever need for complete joy and satisfaction in whatever we do. To think that someone else has a better life than you, simply because they received some temporary success on earth that will quickly pass away, is to cheapen the depths of the riches of God’s grace. If we are jealous, then we don’t know what we have. We don’t understand just how rich we are.

If jealousy is something you find yourself struggling with, then fight it, and fight hard, because it can easily overtake you. Consider what this jealousy says about your relationship with God, and then ask Him to overwhelm you with the knowledge of His love and grace. Otherwise, jealousy will only draw you into the rat race that every other American runs. It is never-ending, and there is nothing to be gained by it. It only promises heartached and disappointment, as you continually find other people who have what you desire.

Instead, resolve to be joyful for your sister when she meets the man of her dreams. Congratulate your friend when he gets a raise at work. Those are wonderful gifts, but they are not the ultimate gift. When they become ultimate, they have become idols. Do not allow them to have such power, because it is then that they become monsters.

*Bonus points to anyone who knows what play the phrase “green-eyed monster” comes from. I’m such a Shakespeare nerd…

I have to be honest with you–I’m a little scared to right this post. I’ve thought about writing it several times, but I was afraid of the consequences. Kind of like when you pray for humility or brokenness…you know you need it, but you don’t really want what it takes to get there.

But here goes….

Have you ever been stuck in a sin for an extended period of time without having suffered the consequences of it? You know what you’re doing is wrong, and you know that eventually it will blow up in your face, but until then you just keep on doing it? For some people that may be sexual sin, for others it could be financial corruption, and for others it could simply be gossip or fits of anger or jealousy.

Whatever the sin, you know it’s wrong, but because you haven’t dealt with any repercussions as of yet, you keep indulging it, keep pushing it, and play it out as long as you can. As long as you don’t have to deal with the negative effects, then the cost of giving it up is not really worth the trouble. It is short-sightedness at its finest.

I, personally, believe this is one of the most miserable places to live. To dwell in that place for long is to live in constant fear. Deep down, I know the consequences will eventually come, so I have this horrible anxiety hanging over my head. When is the shoe going to drop? How long can this really last? And when it ends, what will my life look like afterwards?

In addition to that anxiety, I also hate the feeling that I am getting away with something. There is nothing worse than knowing you’re a total hypocrite. Everyone looks at you as if you’re this wonderful Christian, but you know better. You see what they cannot, and because of the disconnect between those two lives, you feel empty. And the longer that disconnect exists, the larger the emptiness grows.

Well one morning at church I was meditating on all of these things as I worshiped, and a surprising thought began to creep into my heart: “Lord, show me your wrath.” Crazy, huh? As soon as the thought popped in, I wanted to push it right back out, but I instead decided to pursue it a little. Where did that thought come from?

The longer I pondered it, the more I discovered that it is rooted in my understanding of God’s very character. As much as I hate parading around like a super-Christian, knowing all along that I’m a hypocrite, I’m sure that God detests it even more. Jesus never spoke too highly of the Pharisees, after all.

But on top of all that, I don’t want to serve a God who looks the other way when His people commit sin in His name. That is a weak God, that is an unjust God, and more importantly, that is an unloving God. Why would God simply sit by and let us engage in behaviors that are self-destructive? To let us get away with our sin when it is eating us alive is not really love at all.

That is why Scripture tells us that God disciplines those whom He loves. When we experience the consequences of our actions, God is teaching us about His ways, and refining us in the process. To refrain from doing so would mean that He essentially doesn’t care.

That God, an apathetic, distant, passive God, is not the kind of God I serve. And that is why I was compelled to pray, “Show me your wrath.” I wanted to be reminded of God’s awesome holiness and His mighty justice. I want to serve a God who cares deeply about His children and how they live their lives, a God who protects His children from the sin that threatens to consume them. I want to serve a God who hates the sin that steals, kills and destroys all that is beautiful in this world, and I want to serve a God who declares war on that sin. I want to serve a God who pushes His servants toward excellence, honor, and holiness, and does not settle for mediocrity.

It is for all those reasons that I prayed that crazy prayer one Sunday morning. I’m still kind of bracing for the results, but I think it gets to the very heart of who our God is, and why we worship Him. We do not serve a passive God who casually sits by while we ruin ourselves and slander His name in the process. We serve a God who loves us profoundly and defends His glory as well. That is the God I love, and that is why I prayed, “In the face of my blatant, ugly sin, Lord, show me your discipline, show me your love. Show me your wrath.”

Will you be so bold?

This week my brother directed me to a fascinating article that has garnered a fair amount of attention. It’s written by a single mom who had a baby using donor sperm, and is now looking for a husband to care for her and her child.

What is controversial about this article is that it flies in the face of modern feminism, arguing that all women would be happier if they were married. Whether we’ll admit it or not, even the most independent of women secretly desires a man to partner with her in life, if for no other reason than pure pragmatism.

But what is most surprising about the article is the author’s solution to this problem: Settle. According to her, there’s no use waiting around for Mr. Right if our high standards are getting in the way of finding a mate. It’s not that we should marry a complete jerk, but perhaps we should trade in tall, dark and handsome for short, chubby and reponsible.

What follows is an excerpt from the article, which appeared in The Atlantic Monthly (a secular publication):

When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion. Madame Bovary might not see it that way, but if she’d remained single, I’ll bet she would have been even more depressed than she was while living with her tedious but caring husband.

What I didn’t realize when I decided, in my 30s, to break up with boyfriends I might otherwise have ended up marrying, is that while settling seems like an enormous act of resignation when you’re looking at it from the vantage point of a single person, once you take the plunge and do it, you’ll probably be relatively content. It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.

I don’t mean to say that settling is ideal. I’m simply saying that it might have gotten an undeservedly bad rap. As the only single woman in my son’s mommy-and-me group, I used to listen each week to a litany of unrelenting complaints about people’s husbands and feel pretty good about my decision to hold out for the right guy, only to realize that these women wouldn’t trade places with me for a second, no matter how dull their marriages might be or how desperately they might long for a different husband. They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.

If you’re interested in reading the whole article, click here.

On some level I think there is sound advice in this article. Far too often, women have unrealistic standards for their husbands, standards which not only make dating a total nightmare, but make marriage deeply disillusioning. Women must instead accept the reality that they’re only marrying a human being, and it’s going to be hard at times. But if your husband is faithful and dependable, then you’re actually a pretty lucky gal.

That said, there are several things that concern me about this article, the first being that the author has never actually been married. I myself have never been married, but from what I’ve heard, marriage is pretty hard even in the best of circumstances. With that in mind, I wouldn’t want to be tied down with someone I only feel lukewarm about. Given the divorce rate, that just seems foolish. I am therefore wondering if her experience with marriage is too limited to speak authoritatively.

But in addition to this concern, I don’t like the mentality that it feeds. While I think that her advice has some good points to it, I found myself feeling increasingly panicked as I read it. She described the desperation of women who are willing to settle more and more with every passing decade, and I found myself thinking, “I can’t let that happen to me! I have to get married NOW!”

Granted, there is a part of me that was created by God to desire such a partner, but that desperation is alarming. The idea that we should find a husband by any means necessary reflects an absence of trust in God’s sovereignty. No, the author is not Christian, but when it comes to believers we cannot let panic about marriage direct our path. We must resist the urge to take full control of our lives and instead trust that maybe, just maybe, God might know what He’s doing.

Again, I am not saying that means we should lock ourselves indoors and wait for Prince Charming to come knocking, nor am I advocating that women should have unrealistic dating standards and hold out for Jesus Christ himself. But, we should never become so desperate that finding a husband becomes a way of life, a need so great that almost any guy will do.

What do you think? On this particular issue I must admit that I am in the same position as the author herself, so if you’re married and you have some insights for us single girls, we’d love to hear them. Take a look at the article and write your thoughts. I would appreciate having a godly perspective on marriage from people who have actually been married.

Either way, read the article–this is where our culture is headed, so we need a ready response. You will most certainly have conversations with your single friends at school or work about this very thing, so be thinking about how you might respond. How might you speak truth into the lives of these women, or yourself?

There are few verses that will stick in a feminist’s craw like Genesis 3:16.

(And in case you’re wondering, “stick in her craw” is southern for “annoy.” Or in this case, “send her into a scathing tirade about patriarchy”)

To some extent, this frustration is entirely understandable. The idea that women will desire their husbands, but their husbands will rule over them? It’s all very non-21st century. But more importantly, this verse has actually been used to legitimize abuse. It’s as if subordination is somehow a woman’s lot in life, and there is nothing we can do about it because it came straight from the mouth of God.

Well this is just one of many interpretations that I’ve encountered, but none of them have ever really resounded with me. Most of the interpretations I’ve read were subtly pushing a larger agenda—If you don’t like male authority, then you might talk about this verse as a clear sign of the curse. In your mind, it is by no means a prescription for acceptable behavior. If, on the other hand, you want to reinforce male authority, you might appeal to this verse as a description of the way things are, a reality we should readily accept. These readings are clearly on the far ends of the spectrum, but the interpretations range all over.

This weekend, however, I finally heard an interpretation that sounds about right. In all honesty, I have no idea if it reflects the original intentions of the author, but it has proven to be true in my own life, so I want to run it by you today. It was proposed by my pastor in his sermon on Sunday, and I have found it to be incredibly insightful.

My pastor interpreted Genesis 3:16 in a kind of cause and effect manner–because we desire our husband, he rules over us. Let me tease this out a bit…

For many women, marriage is the the be all and the end all of life. We want a husband, not only as a means to a family, but as a means to wholeness. We won’t feel complete until we have someone telling us we are valuable and beautiful. In this way, our lives becomes centered around finding that man, and holding his attention when we do. Consequently, he becomes an idol that ultimately supplants God.

As a result of this idolatry, our husbands rule over us, but not in the way you might imagine. He could be the most passive, docile person in the world, but because you have made him your lord, he has the power to grant or take away your contentment. You place him in the position of being your god, so he becomes your master. You are a slave to making him happy and gaining his approval, which can sometimes be gratifying, but if you fail it is devastating.

With all of that in mind, Genesis 3:16 is a startlingly accurate prognosis of today’s culture–many women are ruled by their husbands, or the prospect of having a husband, not because of any wrong-doing on the part of the man, but because we desire them first instead of God. While the desire for a husband is not, in itself, wrong, it is spiritually fatal when it becomes an inordinate desire.

Fortunately, that is not our “lot in life.” Yes, it is a temptation to which we often succumb, but we serve a God who is working redemption throughout the world, which means we have the power to resist such temptation. This is not a call to rebel against our husbands or the institution of dating, but we should certainly love them appropriately. The love we have for a man should not be parasitic, but life-giving–a love without fear or need; a love from a woman set free by the grace of Christ.

That, I believe, is one of the best interpretations of Genesis 3:16 that I’ve ever heard. Even today, it gets right to the core of a woman’s heart, and seems to understand our nature in the profoundest of ways. It also pushes me to ask the telling question, “What do I desire?”

So…what do you desire??

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about submission, and since that time I have had some interesting conversations about it. In particular, I started talking with one of my friends about the role of submission in dating. He was asking my thoughts on the topic since submission is part of marriage, and dating is preparation for marriage–given those two presuppositions, is there such a thing as submission in dating? Unfortunately, there are hardly any resources on the subject, so I thought I would follow up the earlier post with some thoughts on the topic.

(And in case you want to read my original post about submission, you can check it out here)

First off, this is an issue that has tripped up many a young lady in the beginnings of a dating relationship. Because we desire a man to be a spiritual leader, some of us will simply hand over the reins and let him determine the direction right away. This can play out in a variety of ways, but in my experience it has led to major problems. The mistake I made was in trusting a man to lead me without taking the time to discern whether he was actually able to do so.

Some men simply aren’t spiritually mature enough to lead you or make wise decisions in their handling of the relationship. Because of this reality, it would be foolish to trust their judgment blindly without first learning whether or not their judgment is Christ-centered.

For instance, in the past I have entered into serious relationships pre-maturely, and walked down many other paths that I knew were dangerous to trod, all because I was following my boyfriend’s leading. I didn’t exercise any kind of real discernment because I thought that I was called to follow him.

With all of that in mind, submission is not entirely appropriate in dating. Dating is the period in which you determine whether or not to submit to a man in marriage. Prior to a marital commitment, you are discerning whether or not he is right for such a radical step of trust.

Granted, there is no man who will be perfect in that regard, but you should be sure to marry a man who will seek God in all areas of his life, including you and your future family. That is the kind of man you are wise in submitting to, but that is not information that you can know with certainty right away. For that reason, it is important that you guard your heart, especially at the beginning.

Now all of this is not to say that the man shouldn’t be a spiritual leader in a dating relationship. On the contrary, he should. BUT, the leadership must be exercised in ever-increasing stages. At first, the man should take the lead in the logistical parts of dating–initiating time together, expressing his intentions, and doing these things in a way that honors you.

Gradually, he should start taking more spiritual and emotional leadership (ie. praying together, reading Scripture together, asking you about your faith, as well as talking about your feelings, long-term commitment, etc.). However, this stage should be done very carefully because women are far more emotionally influenced by spiritual intimacy, so it could usher the relationship into a serious commitment rather quickly.

Now here’s the catch–although the man should be doing all of these things, it is the women’s choice as to whether she will follow. Ladies, this is very important, because it is not your prerogative to follow his leadership if you are not yet sure of his character. In the same way that you wouldn’t go out with a random guy you met in a bar simply because he asked, you don’t need to follow every single suggestion you receive from the guy you’re seeing if you don’t know the source of his judgment.

You see the reason a man should lead in a dating relationship is two-fold. The first is the most obvious–it is preparation for marriage. If he’s not a leader before marriage, he certainly won’t be a leader in marriage. But the second reason that a man should be exercising leadership is that he is demonstrating whether or not his leadership is trustworthy. If he is consistently dependable, thoughtful, and strong, then a woman can trust his leadership because he is earning credibility through his actions. The longer he demonstrates these attributes, then the more she can actively defer to his leadership. This progression of increasing trust will continue all the way into marriage.

If, on the other hand, his decision making is inconsistent or reckless, then you need to be guarded. Don’t follow him simply because he’s a man, but instead exercise discernment. If you reach a point at which you simply cannot trust his leadership, and enough time has passed to make an informed decision, then the relationship needs to end.

In addition to these practical points, there is one final element that sticks out in my mind on the topic of submission. Marital submission is meant to reflect the Church’s relationship to Christ–the Church submits to a king who laid his life down for her. In that instance, submission is freedom.

Having established that, submission in dating is somewhat inappropriate because it requires you to submit to someone who hasn’t laid himself down for you. When you submit to someone in a dating relationship, you engage in a kind of intimacy that was only designed for marriage. The cross teaches us that intimacy and sacrifice go hand in hand, so it is only when a couple professes to lay down their lives for one another that their intimacy reflects the intimacy we have in Christ.

Again, it’s important to let your boyfriend take the lead at some point. Don’t follow him blindly, but if he has earned your trust then don’t fight his leadership–embrace it. For some women, this is more of a heart issue than a guy-specifc issue. Many of us struggle with the concept of submission, simply because we want to be in control. There is, however, a healthy middle ground between blindly following and jaded guardedness. No, there isn’t an airtight formula, but if you prayerfully search your heart in this process, as well as seeking godly counsel, then God will surely direct your steps in this messy, messy business that is Christian dating.

Last week my pastor was telling me about a comedian who was making fun of women for their naiveté about the male mind. The comedian claimed that if we really knew the thoughts that men have about women, then we would be slapping them about once a minute.

For a lot of women, the concept of lust is an abstract topic. When I see a guy running with his shirt off, I think one of two things: “Hm, he’s pretty cute,” or “He needs to put his shirt back on because no one wants to see that.” And that is the end of it.

For men, it is an entirely different matter. Yes, women have impure thoughts, but the degree to which we have them is so holey other than men that it is often hard for us to grasp. And because of this disconnect, we have frequently underestimated the importance of modesty. I know I always have.

Well that naiveté has recently come to a screeching halt. I heard a story on the radio a couple weeks ago that gave an incredibly insightful look into the male mind, so I want to share it with you here. The better we understand guys, the better we can care for them as our brothers in Christ, so while the story is a bit graphic, I think you’ll find it to be very helpful.

The story I heard was about a woman who decided to become a man. She had been a lesbian for years, but one day she realized that at her core, she was created to be a male. As a result of this epiphany, she took the medical steps necessary to change genders. One of these steps included testosterone injections, and the bulk of the story focused on the ways in which testosterone changed her/his thought life.

More specifically, the way in which this individual looked at women was profoundly altered. When reflecting on the way in which he thought about women prior to the injections, he said that he might have seen an attractive woman on the subway, and thought about how pretty she was, and how he might like to talk to her, what they might talk about, where they might go out on a date. etc. Innocent enough.

Following the injections, his thought process changed quite dramatically. The response was far more carnal and explicitly sexual. He would imagine, in detail, the nature of their sexual relationship. But even more disturbing to him was that he by no means desired to have such sexually charged thoughts. He felt like a jerk for thinking about women so erotically, but he was bombarded by the images on a constant basis, and he subsequently thought about sex all the time.

He went on to explain other ways in which his newly male thought life played out, and it was rather shocking. I won’t go into all of it here, but suffice it to say that I was blushing during some of the descriptions. Yet in spite of the graphic detail, it was striking to hear a woman recount her journey into the male mind, and it is no wonder that he was surprised by it. The way that men and women think about the opposite sex is TRULY different.

At one point during the story, he admitted that his thought life had been so tremendously altered that one of his female co-workers actually accused him of being a misogynist. Needless to say, the co-worker didn’t know that he used to be a woman, but the incident was a great indicator of how much he had changed. In becoming a man, he had to wrestle with the new thought life that ensued, and he was totally unprepared for it.

If you’re interested in hearing the entire story, you can download it here. I would highly recommend listening to the whole thing because it captures the visceral nature of his thoughts much better than I have here. It quite literally shocked me into being more modest.

In listening to this story, I felt as though my eyes had been opened to this huge difference between men and women. But more importantly, it convicted me about the importance of helping guys in this area. If this “man’s” story is any kind of reflection of the typical male struggle, then most men are going to wrestle greatly with the sin of lust, so we don’t need to be pushing them into it. Men do need to take some responsibility for their own thoughts lives, but we must not be so careless as to tempt them. Instead, we must guard our purity and pursue modesty. You may think that you look super cute in that tube top, but your guy friends might think otherwise, so honor their struggle by exercising discernment in the way you dress.

So as one sister to another, here is my parting advice: Put away the cleavage, pull up your low rise jeans, and don’t even think about wearing those microscopic shorts and skirts that look like glorified underwear. Dress like a lady, because you are a woman of God, not a piece of meat to be ogled. If the normal male mind is anything like this story described, you do NOT want to be ogled.

(And just so you know that I’m not a total Christian prude, here is a great article that just appeared in the Wall Street Journal about the effects that our casual sex culture has had on young women. Click here to read about it.)

I think God is trying to tell me something. More specifically, I think He’s trying to tell me that the way I have been dating has been really screwed up.

This sinking suspicion has emerged for a number of reasons, the first being a conversation I had with one of my roommates. I was explaining to her that I have never in my life dated a guy who waited to make a move on me (ie. hold my hand, put his arm around me, kiss me, etc.) until AFTER we were officially dating. The “move” usually occurred somewhere in the beginning stages of getting to know one another, and only after it happened did we eventually move into the relationship phase.

Because this was my only experience with Christian guys, I assumed it was the norm, but my roommate assured me that it is not. Or at least it is not the ideal. In fact, it would be a deal breaker for her. Apparently some guys are gentlemen enough to wait until long after the DTR before allowing the relationship to become physical. I just haven’t dated any of them, so I assumed they were little more than Christian urban legend.

The second sign that God was trying to tell me something is that my pastor has decided to preach through Song of Solomon, and during the past two Sundays he has talked about dating. Today’s sermon was actually entitled, “How to Date and Love a Woman,” and he laid out parameters for men in their pursuit of women.

One of those parameters involved the importance of keeping the physical relationship in check. As my pastor explained it, physical touch is an extremely easy way to communicate, which is why we often fall into it first. But, the effectiveness of that kind of communication fades over time in marriage, so you need to found your relationship on the kind of communication that lasts. What’s more, if you embark on physical communication before you have firmly built up your verbal communication, then you will short circuit the entire process. It will be far more difficult to build verbal communication because the physical is what you default to. My pastor therefore urged young couples to abstain from the physical as long as possible, and even then, to be highly cautious.

Well between my roommate and my pastor, I am getting the message loud and clear: Physical intimacy has little to no place in the beginnings of a Christian relationship. If your “gentleman caller” dives into it right away, then it is an immediate red flag.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. The problem is that I have trained myself to look for affirmation in the exact way my pastor warned against. If a guy doesn’t make some sort of move after we’ve been going out for awhile, I start to doubt his intentions–is he not attracted to me? Does he only want to be friends? Is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? It doesn’t matter if he’s being consistent in pursuing time with me–if he isn’t doing the one thing that I am used to guys doing, then I doubt the entire relationship.

What is ironic is that I have always criticized other girls for this very mindset. I once had a guy friend who was dating a non-Christian girl, and the couple began to flounder when she wanted to have sex, but he didn’t. She began to feel emotionally isolated from him because, in her mind, if he didn’t want to have sex with her, then he must not really desire her at all.

When my friend told me about this situation, I reflected on how topsy-turvy our world has become–the fact that a woman would need extra-marital sex in order to know that the relationship is strong, reveals how fundamentally we misunderstand healthy love and relationships. Our world is so backwards that ungodly behavior has become the standard of acceptability, the standard of rightness and goodness!

Well little did I know that I am suffering from the same syndrome. I have become so influenced by what I see on tv and the movies, by the past relationships that I have had, that I don’t recognize chivalry, godly pursuit, when I see it. Instead, I am looking for worldly affirmation, and I am discouraged when I do not get it.

So with all of that in mind, I would like to close with two thoughts, one for the guys, and one for the girls. First and foremost, guys: We need you to be men of integrity, even if we punish you for it at times. Many of us girls have a lot of emotional baggage that we will bring into our relationship with you, but stand firm and treat us like the sisters in Christ that we are. We may even resist it at first, get mad at you when we don’t get the kind of affection we desire, but we will appreciate it in the long run. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, we’ll be able to look back and think, “At least he always honored me as a woman of God.”

And ladies, if you have found yourself in a similar position to mine, look to Scripture and talk to trustworthy Christian leaders when you need a godly perspective. Don’t listen to the rest of the world, and don’t even listen to some of your other Christian friends, because a lot of us are getting this whole dating thing wrong, and we are pulling one another down in the process. There is a better way, a kind of dating in which we are treated as the precious daughters of God that we are, so don’t settle. It’s out there, and it’s worth waiting for. If we want to recover chivalry, then we must help our brothers to do so.