Theology for Women

If you ever get a chance to visit Duke University, walk through the grass in front of the chapel until you find a plaque that sits about 75 yards away from the chapel steps. The plaque contains the school’s mission statement–what the founders of the school intended for the university and the students. It reads as follows:

The aims of Duke University are to assert the eternal union of knowledge and religion set forth in the teachings and character of Jesus Christ, the Son of God; to advance learning in all lines of Truth; to defend scholarship against all false notions and ideals; to develop a Christian love of freedom and Truth; to promote a sincere spirit of tolerance; to discourage all partisan and sectarian strife; and to render the largest permanent service to the individual, the state, the nation, and the Church. Unto these ends shall the affairs of this University always be administered.

Given the time period (1920’s), this statement is not surprising. In fact, many of our country’s first universities were founded for the purpose of educating Christian ministers. Even after the university became a place for more general liberal arts study, it was still a location for the creation of model citizens. Higher education wasn’t merely about disseminating information, but molding students into leaders with a clear moral compass.

Sadly, those days are long gone. One doesn’t have to spend much time on a college campus to discern how dramatically things have changed. Not only are secular universities not offering classes that intentionally seek to shape students into ethical beings, and not only are professors refusing to take any definitive stance on what is right or wrong, but the students are furthering the educational-ethical divide by the nature of their lifestyles.

Until recently, it never struck me how ironic the college experience has become. My fellow students and I would study great philosophers, scientists and brilliant thinkers who changed the world with their leadership and innovation. Then, after hearing these inspirational stories about the power of the mind and the possibilities before us, my classmates walked right out the door to get completely wasted. Women seeking to improve their minds, aspiring to be lawyers, doctors and leaders in our country, were simultaneously prancing around campus with hardly any clothing on, hooking up with random guys just to get attention. Men who wanted to be politicians and CEO’s engaged in mind-numbingly dumb fraternity rituals and pranks, all for the sake of fitting in.

Go to almost any college party, and you will see exceptional people intentionally debasing themselves, spitting on the gifts and resources with which God blessed them. For many, that is what the college experience has become. It has devolved into a 4 year free-for-all in which anything goes, education being a secondary priority. Rarely do students stop to consider that there might be a connection between their education and their lifestyle.

Well I write all of this today for two reasons, the first being that, because of the huge disconnect between education and ethics in the university today, Christians are presented with a unique opportunity to stand out. The university culture has become so hedonistic that Christians students have to do very little to distinguish themselves. The darkness is so pervasive that even a dim bulb will cast light. Imagine what a blazing torch could do!

But the main reason I bring up this point is that the divide between knowledge and lifestyle is not limited to the university. As easy as it is to point fingers at secular academia, Christians are frequently no better. We learn and we learn and we learn–we go to church, weekly prayer meetings, Bible studies, discipleship, service projects, etc. But our lives look no different than the rest. We often forget that there is a connection between the things that we learn and the life that we live. We forget that knowledge isn’t for the purpose of puffing us up intellectually, but humbling us and molding us into holy disciples.

So the next time you step onto a college campus and you see women ignoring the empowerment of their education to instead pander for a boy’s attention, remember that we Christians do the same. We ignore the freedom we have in Christ and the meaning such freedom has for our lives, to instead live the life we desire now. The question is, are we going to be different, and are we going to do what’s necessary to protect the Church from the fate of the American university?

Let me begin by saying that I recognize the irony and potential for hypocrisy in what I am about to write. Nevertheless, I think this needs to be said, so hopefully I won’t disprove my own point. Here goes…

Yesterday I was listening to one of Mark Driscoll’s sermons, and in the course of preaching he made a hyperbolic statement for the sake of demonstrating a point. He immediately followed up the statement by adding, “That was a joke! I didn’t really mean that, so all you bloggers can go ahead and shut your laptops now.”

What struck me about his disclaimer is that it’s not the first one I’ve heard lately. Frequently my own pastor will try to stave off the mean e-mails and angry blogs that might ensue a controversial point by anticipating their possible misinterpretations. I’ve heard other pastors and podcasters do the same.

Clearly, they’ve all learned to beware the wrath of the blogosphere.

It is here that I must question whether such a trend is godly. When our pastors are constantly worried that their words might be lifted from their context, twisted, and publicly berated by other Christians (not even non-Christians!) then I think we’ve come to a place that is fundamentally opposed to the spirit of the Gospel.

This point hit me as I read over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 4. Paul was facing a similar climate of criticism from the Corinthian church. Even though they had Paul to thank for their very existence, they didn’t hesitate to bite the hand that fed them. As a result, Paul had to defend his credibility before his own church, in much the same way that pastors are forced to defend themselves today.

But what exactly is going on here? Why are Christians back-biting one another, and why have blogs facilitated this all the more?

The reason for this trend is twofold, the first being our own prideful hearts. Paul makes this point when he establishes a distinction between types of judgment. Some judgment is warranted, but some stems only from our own selfish motives. In chapter 5, for example, a man was sleeping with his father’s wife, so Paul called the Christians to exercise judgment. In this case, such judgment was permissible due to the man’s blatant disobedience of Scripture.

Paul, on the other hand, was fulfilling his God-given call to preach the Gospel. Even so, he received criticism and judgment from his brothers and sisters, and it is within this context that Paul forbids judgment. Why? Because they were trying to judge his heart. Judging a person’s actions are one thing, but it is difficult to know another person’s heart, so we must be VERY wary of making such a move.

So often we will criticize Christians, preachers, or churches who are out doing the Lord’s work, but not the exact way we think they should be doing it. As a result, we get up on our high horse and make assumptions about the state of their heart, nit-picking every single mistake and highlighting those mistakes for all to see. We forget Paul’s words, “Whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.” (Phil. 4:18) We refuse to rejoice in the preaching of the Gospel, and instead undermine those who do.

Only very rarely is such criticism actually warranted, so speaking from my own sin and my own temptation to engage in this type of unholy judgment, I feel confident in asserting that it comes from prideful arrogance. We are doing little more than reverting back to the childish strategy of tearing others down so as to build ourselves up.

But the second reason blogs have become such a popular tool for harsh criticism is the anonymity of the form. We post a blog and then send it hurdling into cyberspace, never really witnessing its effects. We don’t really know who is reading it or how seriously they are believing our words. Because of this, we underestimate the power of our writing. In reality, we are engaging in the public slander of a fellow laborer in Christ.

And in case you don’t blog, don’t think you’re off the hook. Gossiping about someone you don’t know or slandering a pastor you’ll never meet does not justify your comments or somehow make them less sinful. Slander is slander no matter how you spin it. When it comes to matters of the heart we must “judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.” (1 Cor. 4:5)

So in defense of the many preachers, pastors, writers and teachers who are out there leading, praying, and suffering for the sake of the Gospel, guard your tongue. Not only do they deserve more respect than we bloggers often give them, but God’s precious Bride, the Church, demands it.

Right now I’m in Atlanta hanging out with my 10 year old cousin, and we’ve been having a blast! We’ve gone to Stone Mountain Park, Lake Lanier Water Park, and last night we had a “Camp Rock” sleepover with one of her friends.

(In case you don’t know what “Camp Rock” is, it’s a movie that debuted on Disney last night starring the Jonas Brothers. And if you don’t know who the Jonas Brothers are, then you are hopelessly uncool and I’m afraid I can’t help you.)

My cousin and uncle live in a suburb of Atlanta that is so idyllic it makes me feel like I’m living in the 50’s. All the houses are perfect with nicely manicured lawns, all the kids are friends with each other, all the parents hang out together, and they all go to the same school (which also happens to be amazing–it’s nice and it’s safe and the teachers are wonderful). Oh, and everyone is pretty…even the dads.

And that’s exactly why I’ve always loved coming here to visit. It’s always been the kind of place I wanted to raise my family. However, I’m starting to wonder if it’s not quite as perfect as I always thought. I’ve started to notice something during this trip that I hadn’t noticed before. It first grabbed my attention a couple days ago at my cousin’s swim meet, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since…

I was standing near the pool waiting for my cousin’s race to begin, when I noticed three women standing in front of me. What caught my attention was that they all pretty much looked the same–thin, athletic, toned bodies, blond hair, manicured hands and feet, and cute outfits. From the back, they almost looked like teenagers–but they were in their late 30’s or early 40’s.

As I observed these women I started to feel a little insecure about myself. Not only were they in better shape than I am, but I wondered if I’d be able to make my body look like that after I’d had kids. These women didn’t look like they’d actually given birth to human children! They instead had the bodies of 18 year old girls.

Well I decided to start looking around at the other people nearby so that I would stop feeling so insecure about myself, but to my dismay I saw exactly the same thing. Actually that’s a lie–some of the women were brunettes. But they were all skinny, toned, and cute. There were a couple women who had, well, women’s bodies, but they were the exception to the rule.

At first I thought, “Is this what lies ahead for me? Does the quest for model-like bodies never end?” But then I comforted myself with the idea, “This probably isn’t normal. I bet it’s just this neighborhood. Surely there can’t be many communities like this one.”

I was wrong.

The next day my cousin and I went to the water park, and I saw more moms with breast enhancements than I ever thought possible. They were as skinny as rails and you could see the muscle tone in their stomachs. Again, not all of the women looked like this, but there were enough of them to be noticeable. After all, this wasn’t Los Angeles–this was an Atlanta suburb! What is going on here??

Well I think I found a possible explanation…

USA Today recently ran a story revealing that more and more women over 30 are struggling with eating disorders. It explains, “Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia have long been considered diseases of the young, but experts say in recent years more women have been seeking help in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and older.” The article then cited the following distressing statistics:

In the Minneapolis suburb of St. Louis Park, Park Nicollet Health Services’ Eating Disorders Institute saw 43 patients ages 38 and older in 2003 — about 9% of its total patients. For the first six months of this year (2007), the institute has treated nearly 500 patients 38 and older, about 35% of its total.

The Renfrew Center, a network of treatment centers in the eastern U.S., said about 20% of the 522 patients treated at its Philadelphia center in 2005 were 30 or older. In 2006, about 13% of the 600 patients were in that age group.

Body image is no longer the concern of teenage girls alone. Women of all ages are feeling pressure to look a certain way and to fit a particular mold. And it’s no wonder! It’s not as though you spend years feeling a certain way about your body, and then suddenly wake up one day feeling fine. In fact, the pressure is bound to get worse as your body fights the effects of age. If you give in to your insecurities now, and if you believe the lies that society tells women about their bodies, then you are sentencing yourself to a losing battle.

Now it’s not as though I think that all women are doomed to be overweight once they have children, so we should embrace obesity. It’s important for us to take care of our bodies, eat healthy, exercise, and maintain our beauty as a gift to our husbands.

BUT, there is also a degree to which we should celebrate our bodies the way God made us. The fact of the matter is that having children requires us to sacrifice our bodies. We’ll get stretch marks and we’ll gain weight in areas we never gained weight before. Our bodies will bear the marks of bringing a new life into the world.

Yet those marks that we so despise are actually marks of beauty! God created the gift of life, and women get to serve a blessed role in that process, so whatever God calls good, we must also call good. Fight the message that our culture sends women to look a certain way. Take care of your bodies, yes, but rejoice in the journey of life, and all the sags, bags and bulges it brings along with it. Our culture may reject those signs of aging as being ugly and undesirable, but Scripture reminds us that “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

*In case you’d like to read the whole USA Today article that I cited above, you can check it out here.

I prefer to think of myself as a sharp, intuitive young woman who has her wits about her and isn’t easily taken in by scams, jokes or pranks.

I prefer to think that. But I do so in conflict with reality.

In actuality, I am embarrassingly gullible. Let me give you just one example of my most recent display of gullibility.

It was a couple weeks after my birthday when I received the following e-mail. The subject heading read, “Cease and Desist…sayeth the Lord,” and it read as follows:

Dear Sharon,

I don’t know who you think you are, but this is a little creepy. I just registered a website domain www.sheworships.com, and my name is Sharon too. If you want, I’ll sell it to you for $1500. It’s a pretty good deal if you ask me.

Good luck with your blog and feel free to contact my lawyer concerning any legal issues of your continuing use of my trademarked ministry, She Worships™. His number is 917-270-****. Expect a courier to serve you papers on this issue in the next day or so.

Blessings,
Sharon

Well I didn’t know what this was all about, so I started panicking. My parents were in Canada so I called my brother, Stephen, for advice. He told me I should call the number and just see what the lawyer said. Maybe he would clear everything up?

But that sounded horribly intimidating, so I e-mailed my pastor instead. He serves as my stand-in dad from time to time, so I asked his opinion. But before I even heard back from him I mustered up the courage to call the lawyer and hope for the best. I was literally quaking in my boots as the phone rang.

After a couple of rings a voice picked up on the other line and said, “Hello, Attorney’s Office.” That’s when something first sounded amiss–”Attorney’s Office?” What reputable firm would answer the phone without giving its actual name? So I proceeded to explain my situation, listening a little more critically to the voice on the other line.

Eventually I became more and more certain that I’d heard this voice before. As soon as I was absolutely sure, I said, “Stephen????” At that moment the voice on the other line erupted with laughter. It was my brother. Then I looked at my phone and saw that I was connected to “Stephen’s cell.” I had called his number without even noticing.

Stephen then explained that he had purchased the domain name for my birthday, and thought the e-mail would be a fun way to tell me. He had no idea it would take me that long to figure it out. And while I can look back on the whole thing and laugh, at the time I was very shaken. Even though I was grateful, I was fairly upset with him until I calmed down from the anxiety of it all.

In light of this information, go back and read the e-mail again. That’s how gullible I am.

Now what does any of this have to do with the Christian life? Well I wonder if you know that Scripture openly frowns on my kind of naiveté. It’s not that being gullible is sinful, but the Bible does warn against it. It tells us:

A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps. (Prov. 14:15)

There it is–Scripture calling me out on my personality trait. I always thought of my gullibility as a less than desirable attribute, but certainly not a spiritually dangerous quality. This verse, however, has compelled me to rethink that stance.

When I look back on my life, I have made some really bad decisions because I was so foolishly naive. The first thing that comes to mind is my naiveté in relationships–a guy would tell me that he’d “never felt this way about a girl,” or that he would “never let me go.” And while I don’t doubt his sincerity, I didn’t pause to ask whether he could make those statements with any credibility. How did I know he wasn’t simply infatuated? And how could he know that he wanted to be with me forever if we’d only known one another for a couple months?

But this gullibility can play out in other ways as well. Your friends may tell you that certain behaviors are right or wrong, even using Scripture to justify their statements, but that doesn’t mean you should believe them:

“It’s ok to gossip about this person because we care about them and want to help them.”

“It’s ok to spend your money on excessive luxuries as long as your heart isn’t attached to them.”

“It’s ok to go see this Rater R movie, even if it borders on soft porn, because we need to have a pulse on the culture.”

We accept these statements from our friends, never pushing them to see if they actually hold up. And it’s at times like these that we need to remember Proverbs—only the simple believe everything they hear, but a prudent person gives thought to their steps.

So while you might not be as blatantly gullible as I am, ask yourself how often you believe statements about Scripture and the world without giving any thought to their validity. The definition of gullible is “easily deceived or cheated,” so we do well to remember this as we battle an Enemy who is the Father of Lies.

Women’s ministry today is primarily driven by emotion. It responds to our feelings of inadequacy in the face of singleness, marriage, and motherhood. It is often about helping women get through the day, keep their heads above water, survive.

But Scripture gives us a different picture of the Christian life. We are to be more than conquerors (Rom. 8:37), not merely survivors. It is a life of courage, boldness, and daring. Rather than using the Gospel to merely heal our lives, it empowers us to give our lives away, to lose them.

With that vision in mind, I offer you the story of a woman named Perpetua. She was about 22 years old when she wrote the letter you are about to read, and she was martyred in Carthage shortly after. The letter itself comes from her time in prison, and scholars estimate that she died around the year 202.

To give you the context of this letter, Perpetua had just given birth and was awaiting execution. She spent most of her time alone in a dark prison, nursing her baby. The only visitor she received was her father, who came only to persuade her to deny her faith.

Perpetua provides us with a new paradigm for women’s ministry. Perpetua never saw herself as weak, and she never saw herself as a victim. She instead viewed her persecution as a blessing, an opportunity to glorify the Lord more fully. Compared to today’s American norms of female discipleship, she is quite radical. Unparalleled, in fact.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. So I offer you now, the letter of our courageous sister, Perpetua:

——

“While we were still under arrest, my father out of love for me was trying to persuade me and shake my resolution. ‘Father,’ said I, ‘do you see this vase here, for example, or waterpot or whatever?’

‘Yes, I do’, said he.

And I told him: ‘Could it be called by any other name than what it is?’

And he said: ‘No.’

‘Well, so too I cannot be called anything other than what I am, a Christian.’

At this my father was so angered by the word ‘Christian’ that he moved towards me as though he would pluck my eyes out. But he left it at that and departed, vanquished along with his diabolical arguments.

For a few days afterwards I gave thanks to the Lord that I was separated from my father, and I was comforted by his absence. During these few days I was baptized, and I was inspired by the Spirit not to ask for any other favor after the water but simply the perseverance of the flesh. A few days later we were lodged in the prison; and I was terrified, as I had never before been in such a dark hole. What a difficult time it was! With the crowd the heat was stifling; then there was the extortion of the soldiers; and to crown all, I was tortured with worry for my baby there.

Then Tertius and Pomponius, those blessed deacons who tried to take care of us, bribed the soldiers to allow us to go to a better part of the prison to refresh ourselves for a few hours. Everyone then left that dungeon and shifted for himself. I nursed my baby, who was faint from hunger. In my anxiety I spoke to my mother about the child, I tried to comfort my brother, and I gave the child in their charge. I was in pain because I saw them suffering out of pity for me. These were the trials I had to endure for many days. Then I got permission for my baby to stay with me in prison. At once I recovered my health, relieved as I was of my worry and anxiety over the child. My prison had suddenly become a palace, so that I wanted to be there rather than anywhere else.

A few days later there was a rumor that we were going to be given a hearing. My father also arrived from the city, worn with worry, and he came to see me with the idea of persuading me.

‘Daughter,’ he said, ‘have pity on my grey head–have pity on me your father, if I deserve to be called your father, if I have favored you above all your brothers, if I have raised you to reach this prime of your life. Do not abandon me to be the reproach of men. Think of your brothers, think of your mother and your aunt, think of your child, who will not be able to live once you are gone. Give up your pride! You will destroy all of us! None of us will ever be able to speak freely again if anything happens to you.’

This was the way my father spoke out of love for me, kissing my hands and throwing himself down before me. With tears in his eyes he no longer addressed me as his daughter but as a woman. I was sorry for my father’s sake, because he alone of all my kin would be unhappy to see me suffer.

I tried to comfort him saying: ‘It will all happen in the prisoner’s dock as God wills; for you may be sure that we are not left to ourselves but are all in his power.‘

And he left me in great sorrow.

One day while we were eating breakfast we were suddenly hurried off for a hearing. We arrived at the forum, and straight away the story went about the neighborhood near the forum and a huge crowd gathered. We walked up to the prisoner’s dock. All the others when questioned admitted their guilt. Then, when it came my turn, my father appeared with my son, dragged me from the step, and said: ‘Perform the sacrifice–have pity on your baby!’

Hilarianus the governor, who had received his judicial powers as the successor of the late proconsul Minucius Timinianus, said to me: ‘Have pity on your father’s grey head; have pity on your infant son. Offer the sacrifice for the welfare of the emperors.’

‘I will not’, I retorted.

‘Are you a Christian?’ said Hilarianus.

And I said: ‘Yes, I am.’

When my father persisted in trying to dissuade me, Hilarianus ordered him to be thrown to the ground and beaten with a rod. I felt sorry for father, just as if I myself had been beaten. I felt sorry for his pathetic old age.

Then Hilarianus passed sentence on all of us: we were condemned to the beasts, and we returned to prison in high spirits.

Now the day of the contest was approaching, and my father came to see me overwhelmed with sorrow. He started tearing the hairs from his beard and threw them on the ground; he then threw himself on the ground and began to curse his old age and to say such words as would move all creation. I felt sorry for his unhappy old age.

The day before we were to fight with the beasts I saw the following vision. Pomponius the deacon came to the prison gates and began to knock violently. I went out and opened the gate for him. He was dressed in an unbelted white tunic, wearing elaborate sandals. And he said to me: ‘Perpetua, come; we are waiting for you.’

———

The rest of the letter tells of her vision. The next day she was executed. And if you ever care to read the account of her death, I assure you that she died valiantly.

Ladies, this is what we should aspire to be. This is the kind of woman that our ministries should produce. It is time for change.

Yesterday as I sat by the pool reading, I overheard the following conversation between a guy and a girl who were sitting nearby. The young man was criticizing a friend of his who treats women badly:

“The guy talks down to her all the f—ing time! I’m sorry but I could never be such a d—head and f—ing talk to girls like that.”

The girl nodded in full agreement. I imagine her heart swooned to be in the presence of such a gentleman. “Who says chivalry is dead?!” she must have thought.

Can we please back up and review that conversation? Even now I sit in amazement of how ridiculous the whole thing was. While condemning another man for supposedly treating women poorly, this guy was simultaneously showering the girl’s ears with profanity. While criticizing another man for disrespecting women, he was disrespecting her.

And what’s even worse is that she ate it all up! Not once did she see the hypocrisy of his actions. It never dawned on her that he was dishonoring her by speaking so obscenely. In her eyes, his passionate distaste for another man’s sins was chivalry enough.

Sadly, this kind of “chivalry” pervades our culture. For another pertinent example, just look at popular song lyrics today–it’s now a term of endearment when a man calls a woman his “bitch.” Women feel flattered when guys ogle their bodies like pieces of meat in a butcher shop window. And it’s even gotten so bad that women will excuse their husband’s infidelity as long as he doesn’t leave them. These women proudly state, “He may go out with those other women, but he always comes home to me!”

Seriously? Is that the best we can hope for?

The ironic thing is that women have encouraged this behavior as well. In addition to dressing in ways that provoke the exact kind of attention we should be discouraging, some women actually punish men for being gentlemen.

I will never forget the time a guy friend of mine was riding on the bus when a young women got on. There weren’t any seats available, so my friend stood up and offered his seat to her. The girl’s response was surprising. Instead of gratefully taking his seat, she was indignant: “I don’t want your seat! It’s not like I’m too weak to stand!”

This isn’t the only time I’ve heard stories of this kind. I know numerous men who’ve been reprimanded by young ladies when they held the door for them. The mindset, I assume, is that men are treating women as weak, fragile, inferior beings when they condescend to offer such gestures.

This is the backwards world we live in. We have become so confused that we interpret honor as insult. Women are actually demanding disrespect as a sign of respect. Not only do we tolerate it, but we invite it.

But why?

This is a complex question that has many, many different answers, but at the heart of it all is a complete loss of our identity. Women have forgotten that they are the crowning jewel of creation, designed to glorify God with their beauty, requiring honor and respect from the men created to care for them. Women have forgotten that they were made in God’s image, so they should expect men to treat them with the appropriate respect that such an image deserves.

Ladies, we must refuse to participate in a culture that renames dishonor as valor, cowardice as courage, and dominance as strength. We may twist and rationalize every misbehavior possible, but at the end of the day it is still utterly detestable to God Himself, so we must work to view the world through this lens.

And if you have a female friend who is allowing herself to be romanced with this new form of chivalry, please tell her. Remind her that God created her for more than she realizes, so she must not stand by while her beauty, and the beauty of God, are spit upon. We are better than that. And more importantly, God is better than that.

Last weekend I attended a wedding in which the guitarist was text messaging during the service.

I think we have a problem.

The practice of text messaging has taken on a whole life of its own. It’s almost become a kind of sub-culture, and I am definitely guilty of buying into it. In fact, I can’t keep track of the number of times I have text messaged people at borderline inappropriate moments–in class, in church, while driving (I would strongly encourage you NOT to do this one, by the way), and the list goes on.

One of the main reasons I like texting is the efficiency of it. It’s much quicker to text someone a question than to call them and possibly get delayed by the niceties of proper conversation. There is no “how are you” “what have you been up to today?” “how’s your family?” “how’s your job?” etc. It’s just straight forward, to the point, I get what I want right away.

It’s also extremely impersonal.

Text messaging allows us to minimize the relational aspect of communication. We want what we want now, without having to give of ourselves to get it. We don’t want to waste time on the stuff that “doesn’t matter” and get straight to the meat of things.

Does it sound to you like something is amiss? Are we possibly overlooking something that God mght have written into the very nature of conversation–relationships??

But in addition to the fact that text messaging is corroding the relational aspect of our culture, it’s also feeding our need for instant gratification information. As soon as my cell phone buzzes, I HAVE to know who is texting me. I can’t wait to pick it up and read the message. And I have to text them back immediately, as if it is the most urgent message in the world. Which makes me wonder, why am I so obsessively tied to my cell phone? Why do I have to be at its beckon call every moment of the day?

But text messaging is really only symptomatic of a larger cultural phenomenon that we must really keep in check: we prefer to have relationship with machines instead of people.

Just think for a moment–how much time do you spend on the computer each day? How much time do you spend in front of the tv? And how much time do you spend text messaging?

Now compare that with how much quality time you spent with friends, family, and most importantly God. Do they even compare? And in case you think I’m exaggerating, have you ever been distracted from a conversation with someone because you were texting someone else, or because the person with whom you were speaking was also texting another person? Even when we are physically with other human beings, we’re still not actually WITH them because our attention is profoundly tied to our phones.

We live in a world that ranks efficiency over intimacy. We would rather get the job done than get to know the people we are working with. We would rather keep our attention constantly fed than to do the hard work of being patient and getting to know others better. And we would rather keep people at a safe distance–conversing with them through phones, IM, e-mail, even the self checkout line–than making ourselves vulnerable by letting them close.

So while this is not a call to stop text messaging altogether, it is a call to monitor the frequency of your actions, and think about what they indicate. Do your actions indicate to your friends that you’d rather be somewhere else, and that you’re not really present with them? Do your actions reinforce a kind of A.D.D. need for constant stimulation and information? Do your actions cause you to be rude, thoughtless or at times disrespectful to the Lord Himself because of your need to be doing a thousand things at once, without every doing any of them truly well?

What culture are you feeding into? What mindset are you cementing in yourself? Think about that the next time you’re tempted to text someone during that boring class you hate, or the worship service you attend. Text messaging is not, in itself, wrong, but keep in mind that God created us to live in community (hence the Church) so we must be cautious not to short-circuit such a vital support network. Text messaging may not seem like much, but as Solomon reminded us, it is the little foxes that ruin the vineyard.

(By the way, this post was NOT written in response to the two people who texted me during church this morning. You know who you are, but the timing is purely coincidental. )

I’m starting to feel like one of those dating advice columnists. It seems like I spend so much time talking about dating, but I really do think it’s warranted. Not that dating is the be all and the end all of life, but some of my biggest mistakes thus far have taken place in dating relationships, so I hope that my experiences can help you navigate the pitfalls of this tricky business.

(Maybe I should start a blog called “Ask Sharon.” Haha!)

In the past, I’ve talked about dating and marriage as a kind of “tool” for ministry–I want to be a better minister WITH my spouse than I was without them. And this paradigm was actually set for us with Adam and Eve–Eve helped Adam in his dominion over creation, and he did a better job because of her….at least that was God’s original intention.

Even now, I stick by that standard whole-heartedly, and I think all Christians should factor it into their thought process as they consider someone for marriage. BUT, I recently heard a simpler version of this approach that I really like, if for no other reason than it is straight to the point. I think you will find it to be helpful as well, and it goes as follows:

Am I more or less admirable now than when I was single?

The person who shared this dating barometer with me explained, “With a lot of the girls I dated, I felt that I was a more admirable person before I met them.” As a single guy, he spent his time and thought life in ways that were more pleasing to God and gained the respect of those around him.

But when he started dating the wrong girls, all that started to slip away. Suddenly he was sacrificing his ministry and friendships to spend more time with his girlfriend. What’s more, his prayer life was hampered by the shame he felt due to the physical side of his dating relationship. As a result, his relationship with God and his friends suffered.

Perhaps you’ve been in the same situation. And if you have, I would bet you could see it on your friends’ faces–suddenly the friendship is not what it used to be. You can’t put your finger on it, but there’s tension, there’s frustration, and there are walls where there weren’t walls before. You can tell that your friends respect you a little less than they used to.

But a Christ-centered relationship should do the opposite. It should inspire you to love God and your friends better. It should simultaneously anchor you and liberate you to live life more effectively.

I know that phrase sounds like a bit of a paradox, but both components, anchoring and liberating, should be present in a healthy relationship. You should be anchored by the peace of knowing you are within God’s will for you, thereby protecting you from the emotional storms of a self-absorbed relationship. A Christ-centered relationship should create greater peace in your life, not greater uncertainty, anxiety or confusion.

If you are not in an anchoring relationship, one of the first two things that suffers is your relationship with God and your friends. Because your dating relationship is rocky, it consumes your thought life–it’s all you can think about, and it’s all you talk about. Plus, it takes you away from your friends because you’re constantly with your significant other, patching up the latest drama. In this way, you need a relationship that anchors you, not only for your own emotional benefit, but because of the greater implications it will have on those around you.

But in addition to being anchored, a Christ-centered relationship should also liberate you to serve God and others, knowing that you don’t always have to be with your boyfriend all the time since the relationship is in God’s hands.

What’s more, your bf should inspire you to serve such that you feel MORE connected to him when you’re serving God, even when you’re not with him. This is a bit counter-intuitive, but there is a degree to which you can foster greater intimacy by serving apart, as opposed to spending lots of time together, but time that is wasted just sitting around playing Guitar hero, watching Grey’s Anatomy, and making out.

So all of that to say, look for someone who will make you more admirable than you already are. And if you’re in a relationship now, ask yourself, “Am I more admirable than I was as a single person.” For the sake of your dating relationship, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your friends, I would encourage you to make sure the answer to that question is a resounding “yes!”

Have you ever written one of those angry e-mails in the heat of the moment that you later lived to regret? At the time, it’s as if you can’t write fast enough–you have all these brilliantly searing statements guaranteed to put the offender in their place, and you can’t WAIT to nail them.

The funny thing is that even while you’re writing the e-mail, you probably know you’ll regret it later. But you just can’t help yourself! There is only one thing that will satisfy that desire for revenge and vindication, and you’ll do whatever it takes to fulfill that need.

Well it is in those moments, when I trade the riches of my honor and integrity for a petty, short-lived treasure, that I find myself relating profoundly to Esau. For years I read the story of that stupid brute who was so hungry that he sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. And I always thought, “What an idiot! I mean seriously, who would do that?”

But I do the same thing every day! For temporary satisfaction, for instant gratification, I sell the birth right I have in Christ. I sell my freedom and my integrity, all for a lousy bowl of soup.

With that in mind, I thought I’d list a few of the “soups” you might encounter in the buffet line of life, as well as the birthright you forfeit upon tasting them. Hopefully it will help you as much as it’s helped me in identifying my inner Esau:

The Soup: Seeking the praise of Man–Sometimes we need a self-esteem boost, and we’ll do whatever it takes to get it. Maybe we’ll complain about how ugly or stupid we are until someone intervenes with, “Aww that’s not true. You’re beautiful! You’re so smart!” Or maybe we’ll go to greater extremes, changing the way we dress or the way we interact with people, so that we can garner the attention we need.

The Birthright: When we run to others for security, instead of depending on God, then we forfeit our identities in Christ. Christ has set us free from needing Man’s approval, but when we seek attention from others then we place ourselves back in that bondage. We also risk forfeiting our modesty if we choose to dress or act in a way that will draw guys’ attention.

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The Soup: Building ourselves up at someone else’s expense–We always want to seem like we are in the know and that we have it all together. This often seems easiest to achieve by tearing others down through gossip, or even saying hurtful things directly to their face. Sometimes telling someone off can feel awfully satisfying in the moment.

The Birthright: When doing this, you forfeit your integrity, your reputation, and your relationship with the person you are tearing down. You might feel better in the short-term, but the long-term damage is sometimes irreparable.

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The Soup: Sexual intimacy outside of marriage–We’ve all been there before. It’s late at night and your boyfriend is really attractive and you’ve been kissing a lot and you want to go further and further. You know you’ll regret it in the morning, but you have to have that pleasure now.

The Birthright: When you partake of this soup, you forfeit your modesty, your purity, and most of all your relationship with your boyfriend. Your are planting seeds of destruction into your relationship because you are trading away the respect, self-control, and God-honoring love that a Christ-centered relationship require.

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The Soup: Shopping–I know I talk about this a lot, but it’s something that God’s been convicting me about lately so it’s at the forefront of my mind. But oftentimes we buy things simply to make ourselves feel better–if I don’t have these shoes NOW, if I don’t have that iPod NOW, then I won’t be happy until I do. So we buy things to temporarily fill a void.

The Birthright: There are a lot of things you can forfeit here, depending on what your particular shopping vice may be. First and foremost, you are forfeiting your contentment in Christ, and replacing that relationship with something material. You are depending on what you own or how you look to satisfy your needs. But you are also forfeiting the opportunity to bless others. When we use our money extravagantly, then we take money away from the church and from the needy. That is not to say that you should never buy yourself something nice, but if this becomes an addictive habit, then it can drain your financial resources very quickly, and prevent you from using your money in God-honoring ways.

So there you have it–four of the soups we hastily consume, and the birthrights we subsequently forfeit. I’m sure you can think of others. But the most salient reality about all of these soups is that they each constitute a form of idolatry. We choose something immediate over God’s long-term blessings, and in doing so we choose to worship and follow something other than Him.

So the next time you read the story of Jacob and Esau, just remember that we’ve all got a little bit of Esau inside of us. The idea of trading a bowl of soup for an entire birthright may seem pretty ludicrous, but keep that in mind when you’re tempted to trade the birthright bought for you in Christ. To do so is the definition of insanity.