Theology for Women

Since I’ve been in Southeast Asia I have done a ton of crazy stuff (ever eaten stingray??) and I’ve met some really amazing people. But of all the people I’ve met so far, one stands out among the rest, and for a very obvious reason. He is a student I met at a local university, and he is a male cheerleader.

Now as soon as he informed me of this, I was quite stunned. Given the religious standards of the country, you don’t exactly imagine male cheerleaders hopping around everywhere. But sure enough, here they are! He told me that the girls don’t wear quite as short skirts as American cheerleaders do, but other than that, they’re largely the same. They dance, they tumble, and the LOVE the Bring It On movies. He’s seen all four.

In fact, his team even went to Japan to compete in the Asian Cheerleading Championship. Did you ever even imagine such a thing existed? I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a Bring It On 5!!

As you can tell, this guy was a total free spirit. He even started a Free Hug Campaign (look it up on youtube if you’re not familiar). It didn’t go over that well given the religious culture, and he was disappointed, but he still tried, and I loved that about him.

Of all the people I have met so far, he has been one of the easiest to love right away. Even though he was a total stranger, he gave out love and kindness unabashedly, which made it easy to love him. I wasn’t afraid of being rejected, and that lack of fear set me free to love him back.

Unfortunately, that isn’t my normal response to strangers. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to love people I’ve just met. In fact, I think a lot of Christians have this problem. We struggle to love people we don’t know, and it hinders our outreach tremendously. I have seen this in myself a lot this week. When I walk up to people I don’t know, I immediately feel guarded, fearing rejection. I am afraid to make myself look stupid by putting myself out there, so I am cautious and almost defensive. Understandably, people don’t respond well to such an approach. It makes them equally uneasy.

But there is an opposite, equally poor response that Christians have towards strangers, and that is to paint on a smile and be kind as an act of sheer will. We know we’re supposed to be loving, so we fake it. The result is a face that screams something along the lines of “Fake!” or “I’ve been brainwashed!” Our hearts aren’t feeling it, but we think we can fool people. Well we can’t.

The world can see right through us, and that is one of the lessons I have learned this week. There is nothing that can replace sincere, authentic love. We cannot fake it, and we can’t grit our teeth and bear through it. It’s got to be real.But if this kind of love can’t be faked, then how do we come by it? Well there are two ways, and the first and most vital method is through prayer. This week I have quickly realized that I can’t change the way I feel about people I’ve never met. But God can. God can change my heart to see complete strangers as my brothers and sisters, created in His divine image, and worthy of love. That doesn’t mean feeling warm and fuzzy about every person you cross on the street, but it does mean caring about what happens to them in a way that mirrors God’s heart for them.

And given that it is a God-like desire, it can only come to you from God. So you must pray for heart change.But the second step towards loving strangers is surrender. You must be willing to be a fool for Christ.

The thing I loved about my young, cheerleading friend is that he was not afraid to love people, and that set me immediately at ease. If he had acted defensive or guarded, I would have felt defensive and guarded as well. We set the tone for every interaction, determining whether it will be defined by unconditional love, or conditional acceptance. And given that reality, we need to love radically, risking rejection, but knowing that people are much more likely to respond to free love than they are to guarded apprehension.

I’m still working on this. Big time. But it was humbling to learn this lesson from a practicing Buddhist. To be out-loved by a non-Christian was quite a wake-up call. So while I am here, I pray that I would truly learn what it is to love a stranger. Feel free to send some prayers my way, because I sure do need it!

Well right now I am on the other side of the world visiting Southeast Asia. I probably won’t disclose the exact location until I get back, but if you want a hint I can tell you that Passion will be doing a concert here on August 3. That’s all I’m going to say!

So far the trip has been amazing! We have visited the biggest Muslim mosque I’ve ever seen (I had to wear a pink robe that covered my head so that I wouldn’t defile the temple–I looked HOT!) and then we went to a Hindu temple that seemed like it was straight out of the Old Testament. People were sacrificing offerings to golden idols and everything!

But one thing that has stood out to me the most has been the presence of women wearing the full, black Muslim covering. These women are actually tourists from the Middle East, not native to the country, but there are a lot of them around so they constantly grab my attention. I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to stare out at the world from a complete veil, no one seeing anything about you but your eyes.

But the fascinating thing about these women is that, while their entire bodies are completely covered, hiding any kind of distinguishing features about their bodies, these women still went out of there way to stand out. Many of them had the cutest little shoes I’d ever seen, or they carried beautiful, eye-catching purses. It was as if they were trying to find a way to make themselves beautiful, even though their bodies were completely hidden from the world.

I love that. I think it reflects something inherent and irrepressible about the female heart. No matter what the world does to hide it, God created women to be beautiful, and He desires that we celebrate that beauty. Our beauty reflects something true about the character of God, so we should never strive to hide it.

That doesn’t mean we should pursue vanity and become obsessed with our looks, but it does mean that at our very essence, there is something about us that reflects the beauty of God, and we should never be ashamed of it. Sometimes that even means resisting our culture’s perception of beauty, knowing that society can also hide our beauty by calling undesirable that which God called lovely. When this happens, Western culture is just as guilty of suppressing a woman’s natural beauty as a strict Muslim culture might be.

Wherever you are in the world today, celebrate who you are! God created you with purpose and detail, so I pray that He helps you to appreciate and love yourself just as much as He does.

Well I’m off to have more adventures on the other side of the world. I’ll try to check back in soon!

As the feminist movement has gained more and more momentum over the years, women have embraced their sexual freedom in a variety of ways. In what is perhaps an ironic aspiration, women desire to be more like men, aiming to possess the “freedom” afforded their male counterparts. Specifically, some women have singled out the goal of “having sex like a man.”

In saying this, women mean they want to be as care-free and emotionally detached from their sexual partners as men seem to be. From their perspective, men are able to have as much casual sex with women as they want, without the repercussions of emotional attachment. It’s all about having a good time. No strings attached.

Now to me the problems with this goal are fairly self-evident. First, it negatively impacts men by proliferating the illusion that men can have casual sex without any sort of repercussions. Some men might seem to fit this prototype, but you will be hard pressed to find a man who’s never experienced any heartache at all. No, men are not sex-driven robots without hearts–they too can get hurt when physical intimacy is involved.

But the damage doesn’t stop there–this mindset clearly endangers women as well. From a female perspective, it is very difficult for women to have sex without forming some kind of attachment. When we sleep with someone and engage in that bodily intimacy, our hearts become entangled. We struggle to separate our actions from our hearts.

However, while these conclusions seem obvious to me, there are many women who disagree. They object saying, “That’s not true for me! I have lots of sex with men and it doesn’t mean a thing.” Or, “I have lots of friends who engage in casual sex without getting hurt, so they disprove your theory.”

In conversations like these, I have frequently been written off as the token Christian prude. From their perspective, I only hold those beliefs because of my faith. They also argue that my beliefs are true for me, but not true for every woman. Some women can separate themselves emotionally, so I shouldn’t make generalizations based upon my own subjective views.

Well interestingly enough, those objections to my “biased perspective” are becoming less and less tenable. In recent years, scientists have researched the effects of a hormone called oxytocin on the human body, and with enlightening results. While there is still much to be learned about this hormone and its influence, scientists are fairly certain of one thing: its presence can often lead to attachment and bonding in intimate relationships.

For instance, a woman’s body produces oxytocin when she is breast feeding, the result of which is greater emotional attachment with her child. Similarly, a woman’s body also produces oxytocin when she climaxes during intercourse, and this too can result in feelings of greater attachment with one’s partner.

Much of this research has come from comparing the mating habits of rats with those of prairie voles. Prairie voles are notoriously monogamous, and they also produce significant amounts of oxytocin when they mate. Rats, on the other hand, are polygamous creatures. Their bodies do not produce oxytocin when they mate, which is why they fail to bond with their respective partners.

Given that scientists still have much to learn about oxytocin’s effects on human relationships, I hesitate to draw any concrete conclusions about it. However, the research does lead us to one undeniable truth–sexuality cannot be reduced to an issue of mere ideology. It is clear from these studies that some creatures are biologically wired to be monogamous, and others to be polygamous. God has written these wirings into us from the start.

So given the presence of oxytocin, as well as other hormones that are thought to result in similar feelings of relational attachment, it’s clear that God designed us to be monogamous. He wrote it into our beings in a profoundly elemental way.

That said, why do some women seem able to have casual sex without any sort of emotional attachment? This is another area about which I hesitate to draw conclusions, given that I am not a scientist. But, after researching and discussing the matter with reliable resources, I suspect it has something to do with conditioning. There is a degree to which we can condition our bodies to respond to certain circumstances in specific ways, even to the extent of undermining our natural tendencies. And given that fact, it is altogether possible that, over time, a person can condition themselves to resist emotional attachment if they have casual sex enough. They essentially kill off their body’s natural tendency to attach, by training it to remain guarded or untouched.

I can certainly see this trend in my own life. I think we all remember our first kiss, and how meaningful it was. But gradually, the more people you kiss, the less meaningful a kiss becomes. Especially if you get hurt by someone you kissed. Because of that bad experience, a kiss loses the special romantic purity and newness that it had before, and it can even take a negative connotation for you. The more people you kiss, and the more broken promises and broken relationships that you associate with those kisses, the less a kiss will mean.

And one day, you wake up to find that it doesn’t mean almost anything at all.

That is the effect of conditioning. But even if you train yourself to remain unattached, it doesn’t change the fact that you were initially designed to associate sex with intimacy. God has written it into our original design, which means we cannot and should not ignore it.

The argument for conditioning should not lead us to conclude that women can, in fact, shut their hearts off completely. Even if a woman has conditioned herself to engage in uncommitted casual sex, she must constantly be on guard. If she lets down her guard for even a second, and allows herself to enjoy her partner as more than just a tool for pleasure, she is in danger of vulnerability. If she finds him to be a source of enjoyable company, or if she enjoys sex with him more than others, then she runs the risk of producing oxytocin. Without even meaning to, her body can lead her to form an emotional attachment. It’s as if her body is pulling her back to its created purpose.

With all of that in mind, we are wise to protect our divinely designed hearts. When we attempt to engage in casual sex, or even chronic flirting or casual kissing, we walk a fine line. Not only do we devalue those precious acts of affection, but we play Russian Roulette with our hearts. Will this be the hook-up that hurts us, or will it not? Maybe you’re having fun now, but God has designed our hearts in such a way that makes that lifestyle emotionally unsustainable. We merely sew seeds of brokenness that we will eventually have to reap.

What’s more, this research reveals that we Christians are not merely blind ideologues who ignore science for the sake of preserving the Bible. In this instance, biology is actually complementing our theology, which gives us all the more reason to heed God’s guidance. Our bodies are trying to tell us something that God has been telling us all along.

* Special thanks to David Goodman for helping me with the research on this one!!

The other day I saw a t.v. show interviewing women over the age of 30 who’d decided to have plastic surgery. Specifically, they’d all had breast implants.

Now this was a bit surprising to me. When I think of breast implants, I think of women in their twenties who are perhaps hoping it will boost their specific careers.

But that simply isn’t the case anymore. An article in USA Today reported that from 2000 to 2005 the number of women getting breast implants increased 37%, and as the article described, “The typical person getting breast implants today is not the stripper, the model…It’s the girl down the street.”

What’s more, she’s not so much a “girl” either. She’s a woman–a wife and a soccer mom, most likely with a bachelors degree. A survey done in 2003 found that the average age of women receiving breast augmentation was 34.

About a month ago I wrote about the growing trend of anorexia in women over the age of 30, so given those statistics the rise in breast implants should be no surprise. The only difference is that there’s a stigma attached to one, and not to the other. Anorexia is frowned upon by the general population, but breast implants are becoming more and more accepted.

That brings us back to the show I was watching the other day. As the women being interviewed discussed their decisions, their reasons tended to be more personal than professional. They’d always wanted bigger breasts, or they simply wanted a makeover.

But one woman raised a dissenting voice. She argued that women only have this surgery if they are suffering from low self-esteem or have a poor body image. By having breast implants, they are attempting to prop up their self-esteem in an artificial way.

“Finally!” I thought. A voice of reason in a backwards world!

But she was quickly dismissed. One of the other women immediately replied that her self-esteem was just fine and that she’d always had tremendous confidence. Her reason for having the surgery? “I’m doing it for me.”

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, I wanted to start shaking my t.v. set. I wanted to sit that women down and ask her, “What do you mean you’re doing it for you? Where do you think the desire to have bigger boobs came from? It’s not like you cooked it up in your own brain independent of the culture you live in! You’re doing it because society has fed you the lie that women with larger breasts are more beautiful and desirable. The idea that you’re doing it for you is all an illusion!”

Unfortunately, I am not able to sit down with that women and tell her those things….which probably wouldn’t have gone over too well anyway. But I do have a blog, so I’m going to state it here:

Be careful when you hear yourself utter the words, “I’m doing it for me.” Yes, there are times when this motivation is warranted–if, for instance, you are extremely overweight and you need to do a better job of being healthy. Take the necessary steps to make that happen.

But don’t use these words to mask the real problem. It is most likely that you have been so profoundly influenced by society that you don’t even know what’s you, and what’s the culture.

The key to determining the difference can be found in Scripture. Are you making changes that are consistent with the Scriptural depiction of the human being? If you are trying to be healthy, then yes! Our bodies are the temple of God, so we should be good stewards of them.

But if you are attempting to make drastic, superficial changes to the body God has given you, whether it be through surgery, extreme dieting, or over-exercising, then you will find yourself in conflict with the truths of Scripture. The Bible tells us that we are made in God’s image, and that God knit us together in our mother’s womb. This implies an intimate, intentional purpose in every single part of your body and personality, so any attempt to alter that creation runs the risk of insulting God. It questions His judgment in making you the way that you are.

(And please don’t interpret this to mean that I am promoting some sort of Christian Science position in which doctors should not help people born with birth defects. Scripture shows us examples of healing in the lives of individuals whose day-to-day functioning was impaired from birth. Such surgery is certainly permissible, but it’s in an altogether different category from the kind of changes I have described above.)

In closing, I want to remind each one of you out there that you have been fearfully and wonderfully made. Any message that indicates otherwise does not come from God, so be on your guard against the lies of our culture. We have becomes so inundated by them that we have now begun to deceive ourselves, rather than being speakers of truth.

Ultimately, the best way to determine whether you’re doing what’s best for you, or if you’re simply in bondage to the opinion of others, can be found in the following question: Are you doing it for God? Sometimes the desires we have for ourselves can be deeply misguided, so we should never use our own, personal fulfillment as a barometer of right and wrong. Ultimately it’s about God and what brings the most glory to Him. Anything else is idolatry.

*To read the whole USA Today article, you can check it out here.

“Irreconcilable differences.”

That seems to be one of the most common reasons for divorce that you hear today. And I really have no idea what it means.

I sometimes wonder if it’s a generic way of categorizing more specific problem, ie. “I want my wife to stop cheating on me but she would prefer not to” or “I want to use our money for food, but my husband wants to use it at the casino.” Those sound like fairly irreconcilable differences to me.

But perhaps the most likely reason for this term is that couples simply get tired of trying. Marriage is hard work, and if you fall out of love with your spouse, or someone better comes along, it no longer seems worth the effort. Little decisions become huge debates, and you can’t seem to agree on anything. At the end of the day, you are just too different to make it work, so you split on the basis of “irreconcilable differences.”

Well science and psychology are now disagreeing with this premise. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is the founder of The Gottman Institute, which has done ground-breaking research into marital relationships and what makes them work. Specifically, Gottman did a study in which he videotaped newlyweds discussing an issue about which they disagreed, and then he tracked the couples over the following years to see which couples stayed together and which ones divorced.

After years had gone by and the fates of the marriages had largely been determined, Gottman went back to the videos and examined the interactions between the couples in an attempt to discover which couples were built to last, and which couples were doomed for destruction. Based on that information, Gottman now feels he is able to predict with considerable accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

And what were the characteristics of a doomed marriage? Gottman observed that in couples who later divorced, there was an element of contempt in their disagreements with one another. While arguing, they would be condescending, they would freeze one another out by refusing to listen to the other, and they would tear one another down with name-calling and insults.

The successful couples, on the other hand, were quite the opposite. Though they still disagreed on things, they were willing to listen and grow from one another. And even more fascinating about their interactions is that for every negative thing they said toward the other, they would counteract it with an average of five positive things.

The successful couples also prevented the argument from escalating. Gottman found that the more a person’s heart rate increased, the less they were able to listen and respond rationally. When the heart rate increased, they were more prone to become defensive and lash out. Couples who were able to be patient and gentle with one another, thereby preventing the argument from escalating, were able to sustain a conversation that was not only respectful, but from which they both could grow.

When this decades long study was all said and done, Gottman came to the following conclusion: a happy couple is not a couple without conflict. According to Gottman, all couples fight. All couples have irreconcilable differences. It’s how you handle those differences that makes or breaks your marriage.

Since Gottman first began his research, he and his wife now offer programs and seminars to help couples work on their marriages, and his teachings have met with tremendous success. Married couples do well to heed his advice–not to mention the fact that he’s merely reinforcing Scripture’s countless commands to guard your tongue, be quick to listen and always loving. After all, love is patient and love is kind, not sarcastic and condescending.

But what about us single folks? What’s the take away message for us? Well even though Gottman’s study relates to marital relationships, his principles are important to apply in almost any situation. Our spouses shouldn’t be the only ones we labor to love well–we should seek to listen and grow from everyone around us. That is a reputation that Christians do not have right now. The way we relate to non-Christians often looks more like the soon-to-be-divorced couple’s interactions–we know that we are right, and we treat people like idiots if they do not agree with us.

So whether or not you are married, we all need to cultivate the art of loving disagreement. This does not mean compromising ourselves, but it does mean that we convey respect and care amidst our irreconcilable differences. When we do this, we increase the likelihood that others will actually listen, and we might learn a thing or two as well.

I have heard it said that Christians never impose their beliefs on others–they simply propose, as a lover to the beloved. If that is our model for evangelism, then the keys to a healthy marriage have implications for us all.

I will never forget the first time I saw a documentary on the life of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. In case you are unfamiliar with this great defender of the faith, he lived in Germany during Hitler’s rule, and he was one of the only Christians in the entire country to resist the Nazis. In fact, he and a small band of Christians devised an assassination plot against Hitler. They were almost successful in their attempt, but the plan failed and they were all discovered. Bonhoeffer was subsequently executed.

The reason I loved the documentary so much is that it got me excited about my own faith. Bonhoeffer seemed like the equivalent of a Christian super hero–he stood firm against all odds in the face of clear evil. He fought valiantly, in the name of Christ, and he died for a noble cause.

I want to be a part of such a fight, in which the stakes are high and much is to be lost, but I lay down my life because I am a Christian, and that is my calling. I want to be remembered for standing unflinchingly against the powers of evil. I wanna be like Wonderwoman! Except the Christian version (which would probably have sleeves and knee-length shorts).

And I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Many women read about the lives of Jim Eliot, Martin Luther King, or women like Perpetua (who I wrote about last month), Christians who all fought and died for the sake of the Gospel. We read about these individuals, and it stirs something deep within us.

It stirs our inner warrior, that part of us that knows we were created to fight mighty battles on behalf of Christ. We are reminded of what our soul has known all along–that our calling is high and the struggle is great, but we will not have lived if we did not wage this war. We want to rise up and be women of valor, to live and die for something bigger than ourselves.

This desire, this calling, is written on the very foundation of my heart. And I know it is written on yours as well.

But what has become of this call to arms? Are we content to experience the fleeting exhilaration of a good sermon or an inspiring story, and then go back to our mediocre lives, never truly tasting greatness?

I think we are. We have become content to settle, and I see this in the way women talk about church leadership. When we discuss our future roles in the church, we do not use that kind of inspiring language. We do not refer to the imagery of epic battles and spiritual warfare. We leave that to the boys.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say “I feel called to marry a pastor” or “I want to marry a church planter.” Heck, I’ve said it myself! But it’s not often that you hear women talk about their own calling to ministry, their own desire to start a church where no church has gone before, their own sweeping visions for the Kingdom of God.

But regardless of where you stand on the topic of women in ministry, there is a degree to which women are unequivocally called to plant churches and lead within the church. Why? Because no person can plant a church alone. No person can lead a congregation alone. It takes a team of visionaries, a group of hard workers with varying gifts to pull off such an undertaking.

So even if you feel that only men should be senior pastors, a minister is nothing without fellow church planters, both male and female. You never hear about a solitary pastor starting a church in his apartment by preaching to his living room furniture and his dog. Instead, you hear about a team of individuals, couples, families and singles who begin meeting and worshiping together, all with one shared goal for their community–the spread of the Gospel.

That said, women are definitely called to be church planters. While there are certainly instances in which a woman must work or stay at home so that her husband is freed up to focus solely on starting a church, that is not the only role that women can fill. If your husband is called to plant a church, then you are not merely “the wife of a church planter”–YOU are a church planter! The two of you are likely called to the same purpose, so you’re not simply tagging along for the ride. Your husband needs a co-laborer who will build him up, spur him on, fill in the ministry gaps that he is not gifted to fill. He needs a fellow soldier who will wield a sword alongside of him.

And if you are single and feel called to church planting, don’t just wait around for a husband who feels the same way. Perhaps God wants you to take action now, to jump on board with a team of people who are praying towards the same end. You can lend your time, experience, training, education, and leadership wherever you are. The church certainly needs it.

Regardless of your circumstances, take ownership of the desire that God has written onto your female heart. Men are not the only ones who God calls to be warriors–the moment you committed to follow Christ, you became a part of a cosmic battle in which you are expected to fight. We are all soldiers together, so take hold of the call to which God is compelling you, and take up your sword. The forces of evil will quake with fear and dread if you will only rise up and respond to God’s battle cry. It’s time to fight like a girl.

One day when I was a little girl, I asked my parents why they chose my name and what it meant. My mom told me she had found the name in a book, and the meaning given for it was “princess.” I subsequently spent my entire growing up years believing that my name meant “princess,” and feeling pretty darn special because of it.

Until the fateful day when I googled it. Either the book was wrong or my mom was lying to me, but my name does NOT mean princess. Here is the actual definition for the name Sharon:

It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is “a fertile plain”. Biblical place name: refers to flat land at the foot of Mount Carmel.

In other words, my name refers to a giant pile of dirt. Not princess.

This point is driven home all the more when we read it within its context in Song of Solomon. It reads:

“I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.” (2:1)

All this time I thought that this verse was a compliment, an old-timey way of saying that someone was beautiful. But in reality, it is quite the opposite. It is a way of describing someone as being common or average. They are but an ordinary flower of the plain, a lily just like all the others in the valley.

To the left you can see what the Rose of Sharon flower looks like. There is nothing stand out about it. It isn’t ugly, but it isn’t particularly special. No one ever gives someone Roses of Sharon for an anniversary or birthday. It’s not that type of flower.

Given this information, my namesake seems somewhat fitting. How many times have I felt like a common lily among orchids, roses, and tulips! That is the message our culture frequently conveys–if you are not tall, thin, cute, busty, and well-dressed, then you are plain-Jane average and no one will give you a second glance. You’re nothing but a Rose of Sharon.

I’ve also felt this way in the wake of broken relationships. Following a number of break-ups, my exes moved on to date other girls almost right away. And when this happened, I felt like little more than a notch in their belts. I was just one girl among many. I wasn’t special at all–just one lily among thousands just like me.

Song of Solomon therefore provides us with a tremendous insight into the female mind. It comforts the female heart with the knowledge that when you feel that way, you are not alone! It is a very common mindset for women, and perhaps one of the primary ways that Satan attacks us. After all, God created us to reflect His beauty, so what better way to undermine the glory of God than to cast seeds of doubt about the truth of our beauty? No, you are not alone in feeling this way.

But what is even more wonderful about this passage is the lover’s response to his beloved. When she belittles her beauty, claiming that she is nothing but a plain lily of the valley, her lover replies, “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.”

Guys, you better be taking notes, because that is the perfect response! In contrast with her self-perception he speaks truth into her heart, telling her that she’s a lily among thorns, a flower so beautiful and rare that she puts all other flowers to shame. They look like weeds in comparison.

Even though this is an ancient love story using language that is foreign to our modern sensibilities, there is truth in these verses for all of us. First this story reminds us to settle for nothing less than the courtship it describes. Don’t allow a guy to treat you like a lily of the valley, using your body or your attention like he might use any other girl. Wait for the man who sees you as the lily among thorns that you are. And it’s not enough for him to say it–he must demonstrate it with his actions. Does he treat you in a way that sets you apart? Does he guard your purity and speak about you in a way that is honoring? Does he hold you in high esteem as the precious treasure that you are?

But more importantly, this verse must be read within a larger context. Throughout the history of the Church, Song of Solomon has been interpreted as an allegory for God’s love for us. God pursues us and ravishes us in what can only be described as the greatest love story ever told. And given that fact, we must remember that when the lover defends the beauty and honor of his beloved, God does the same for us.

Ladies, not one of us is common. Not one of us is ordinary or plain. God did not create ordinary or plain, because He only created those things which reflect His character, a character that is beautiful, magnificent, awe-inspiring, and good.

He also created each one of us to be different–each one of us has something unique to offer the world, which is why he designed each one of us so personally and intimately–He had a specific purpose in mind. That said, you are never a lily among many, because there isn’t a single lily in all of creation that is like you.

So the next time you feel like an average Rose of Sharon, or a common lily of the valley, stop and listen to the words that God is whispering into your heart: “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.” You are His darling.

Several years ago I got into one of those messy, girl versus girl situations in which I was intentionally excluded from my friend group. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say it was ugly. I lost sleep, I lost weight, and I was depressed as a result. My self-esteem suffered horribly, and it took me a long time before I got over it. Even now, I sometimes think about those girls and feel angry, years later.

When I was going through all of that, I found a lot of solice in my relationship with Christ. I looked at his life and I saw that he was rejected too. Jesus had also been rejected by his friends, and at a time when he needed them most. Jesus knew how I was feeling, and that knowledge comforted me. In being rejected, I was actually in good company. In fact, my rejection made me even more like Christ, I thought.

That is one of the beautiful things about the Gospel. It provides us with light and hope when our circumstances are darkest. When we feel most alone, we remember that the savior of the world, God’s perfect son, was also scorned by those he cared for most. And when we remember this, we feel less lonely.

What a comfort in a world that frequently betrays us! Even our Christian friends will let us down and hurt us. Sometimes intentionally. And in those moments, the Gospel speaks a prophetic message of redemption and strength.

However, there are times when we twist this Gospel message to say something that it does not. Christians adopt a kind of martyr complex in which they will take any form of rejection as spiritual validation. If people hate me, then I must be doing something right because people hated Jesus. If my church disagrees with me, then my theology is probably correct since the religious rulers of Jesus’ day disagreed with him too. We see ourselves as a kind of valiant martyr that is resisting the powers that be in the name of Christ.

The problem with this thinking is that it easily allows us to deceive ourselves. Instead of examining the nature of our rejection, we immediately exalt ourselves as being all the more Christlike. Nevermind that your friends may be distancing themselves from you because you have an anger problem, and nevermind that your church asked you to leave because you were committing adultery–you were rejected, and you are therefore in the company of Christ!

This can happen when we confuse rejection with church discipline. If someone is preaching heresy, or engaging in unrepentant sin, then it is the church’s prerogative to exercise church discipline on behalf of the larger body. If the individual refuses to change, then Scripture is clear on this point–we are to remove the yeast from the dough before it ruins the entire batch. And assuming the discipline is handled in a loving, Scriptural way, this kind of “rejection” does not put the individual in the company of Christ. In fact, it’s somewhat the opposite.

That said, beware of Christians who are always talking about how they don’t fit in with other Christians and have been rejected by the church. While it is entirely possible that they’ve been treated unfairly, it’s also possible that they are consumed by a poisonous individualism that leads them to rebel against godly authority. Question why they have been rejected, and see if it holds up with Scripture. Rejection is never a virtue in and of itself.

And in your own life, don’t be so quick to make yourself a martyr. If someone treats you poorly or rejects you in some way, first consider if you have done anything to provoke it. Perhaps you were a bad friend, perhaps you were caught in a lie, or you have a reputation for gossiping. Or perhaps you are living or teaching in a way that undermines Scripture and sound doctrine. No matter the situation, remember that the Church is the Spirit-infused Body of Christ, placed on earth to discern and edify Jesus’ followers. Given that fact, I would not be so quick to consider my rejection from it as a badge of honor. At times, yes (Martin Luther can attest to that!) but frequently it is our pride that will not allow us to be wrong.

Some rejection is unscriptural, and we must name it as such, but those abuses should not disqualify all forms of “rejection” as being antithetical to Christ. Remember, Jesus himself told us that some will hear the un-inclusive words “Depart from me, I do not know you.” Will we have the humility to discern when rejection is wrong, and when we have earned it? What’s more, will we choose to bear the burden of reconciliation on our own shoulders, rather than pointing a finger of blame at someone else? That action on our own part, not rejection from others, is what puts us in the company of Christ.

What is spiritual leadership?

This is a question about which there has been a great deal of confusion among Christians. We all know that we need to date guys who can lead us spiritually, and we also know that we are to date people with whom we are equally yoked. The problem is that these two elements are not always discussed in conjunction with one another. We are not viewing them as two equally important aspects of a dating relationship, aspects that hold one another in a complementary tension.

For many women, we subconsciously interpret “equally yoked” to mean: “as spiritually mature as me, or more mature if possible.” That is, we want to date someone as mature as we are, but we would prefer someone who is more mature. Why? Because he needs to lead you, and he can probably do that best if he’s already more mature than you are.

As a result of this mentality, you will sometimes see couples in which the husband is clearly more mature than the wife. It’s not that the wife is immature in her faith, but she’s not nearly as passionate about studying Scripture or theology as her husband. She doesn’t desire the same amount of knowledge that he has. After all, he’s supposed to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, so why not leave that stuff to him?

The problem with this kind of relationship is that it fulfills one Scriptural requirement, while ignoring the other–yes, the man is leading spiritually, but are the two equally yoked? Not necessarily.

Spiritual leadership does not necessarily mean that the husband is significantly more mature than his wife. If he is, then the two are not really equally yoked. What’s more, the man is actually doing himself a disservice because he has not married someone who can REALLY challenge him. While he may be the spiritual leader in the relationship, it is likely that he will grow less because he is not married to a woman who has the capacity to push him the way he needs.

That said, spiritual leadership does not mean that the husband spiritually dominates his wife. On the contrary, it simply means that the man works harder. He’s got to step up, think ahead, anticipate, pray for wisdom, and humble himself, because being a spiritual leader has nothing to do with spiritual superiority–it has to do with fulfilling a role. If a man leads a woman who is just as solid as he is, then it’s going to be challenging for him to be the leader, but he’ll grow tremendously because of it.

With that in mind, men and women both have a challenge before them. Men, don’t allow spiritual leadership to be your only criteria in choosing a girl. Even if she’s a nice Christian girl, it’s not enough to know that you can lead her. Make sure you two are equally yoked as well. Make sure she is at the same place as you spiritually so that she is sure to challenge you, rather than pulling you down to her level.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to push yourselves. Not only are you doing yourself a service by pursuing God with radical ferocity, but you are serving your husbands as well. Remember, it takes iron to sharpen iron, so we cannot sharpen our husbands if we ourselves are not made of the right material.

Date a spiritual leader? Yes. But be equally yoked as well. Never have one without the other.