In an attempt to get as much done before my students come back from Christmas break, I have spent the last week in all-out wedding planning mode. I’ve talked to photographers, looked at countless flower arrangements and been to too many bridal shops to count.

In particular, I’ve been using the last week to figure out the bridesmaid dresses, which has been tricky given that I don’t want my bridesmaids to hate me.

But as I’ve gone from store to store, looking at bridesmaid dresses and wedding gowns galore, it got me to thinking about this whole wedding ceremony thing. More specifically, I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of the white dress.

Symbolically, the white dress is meant to represent the bride’s purity–she has saved herself for just this special day and now she can present herself as untouched, for her husband’s embrace alone.

Realistically, this almost never happens. One of my friends who lives with her boyfriend recently joked about wearing a silver dress at her wedding. “I’m not going to wear white,” she proclaimed. “The jig is up!”

And she’s not alone in this. In all honesty, how many of us can really wear white on our wedding days? Even for those women who maintain their virginity, it is oftentimes only by a thread. That’s hardly the symbolism behind the dress, is it?

Why, then, do we go on with this charade?

For most women, the main reason behind a white dress is the tradition of it. Plain and simple. I, however, have realized a very different but very important reason for maintaining this practice. But before I get into that thought process, let me back up a bit by setting the stage of how weddings generally go these days…

Today, the world tells us that your wedding is all about YOU. The rehearsal dinner is full of toasts about what a great couple you make, the church lobby and reception are decked with pictures of the two of you, and everyone is at your beck and call. This is YOUR day, and the focus is on you alone.

Scripturally speaking, this mentality is way off. Contrary to what the world says, your wedding day is not about you. It’s merely a reflection of a much greater love story, the romance between Christ and the Church. It is no coincidence that marriage reflects God’s relationship with us so neatly–marriage was fundamentally designed to.

That said, the aim of any wedding ceremony should be to highlight this greater truth. Everything about the day and the process leading up to it should be about the glory of God and His love for the Church. That perspective has already held me accountable in many ways, not the least of which is my understanding of the white dress.

Ultimately, the white dress is not about the purity of the bride’s lifestyle. Yes, her lifestyle is relevant, but that’s not the most relevant. Ultimately, the white dress is significant of the fact that God has made the bride pure.

The Bride is able to present herself as blameless before the Groom because the Groom laid himself down for her and cleansed her of her sin. And that purity has nothing to do with how many men she slept with before, or how unclean she might have been. All of that is behind, because Christ intervened.

Christ died to make his bride, his Church, clean. We reflect this beautiful news to the world around us when we wear white on our wedding day.

And this should be liberating news for us ladies who carry the baggage of a sullied past. If you worry about whether or not a Christian guy will marry you because of your shameful history, remember that you are no longer defined by that past. Christ has made you into a new creation, so you can still wear that white dress and you can wear it with confidence! Not based upon your own purity, but on the one who made you pure.

That does not, however, mean that the dress has no meaning for our present lifestyles. Because a wedding is a picture of the eternal Groom and His Bride, we must strive to reflect that relationship daily. Only yoke yourself with a man who will lay himself down for you and your purity, desiring to present you as blameless before God. Yes, God can redeem your mistakes, but that does not grant us the freedom to live however we want. Reflecting the relationship between Christ and the Church is more than a one-time wedding event. It is a way of life.

That is a good reminder for everyone, no matter what stage of life you find yourself in today.

I recently received an e-mail from a young woman who loves her career but is getting married soon and wonders how her job will fit with her family. If she’s going to have kids one day and stay at home with them, then why bother building a career now? Is it even worth it?

This is a question that many women find themselves asking, so I decided to post a version of my response to her. I hope you will find it helpful.

~~~~~~

This is a question that a LOT of women ask–what’s the point in working now, or even getting an advanced degree, if I’m not going to use it later on? In my opinion, the root of this question comes from observing a very narrow sample of what the Christian family looks like.

For many of us, when we look around our church we see families in which the father works and the mother stays at home. And as a result of our cultural surroundings, we assume that this model of family must be set in stone by Scripture. In reality, this model is more often determined by the family’s personal circumstances.

You see, this model is most typical of white, middle to upper class families. Once you depart from this demographic you will find that not all families can actually survive on the salary of one working parent. And those of us in a more privileged demographic may come to experience this first hand as a result of the economy’s recent turn. If the country’s economic situation worsens, we will see more and more families in which both parents must work because one salary isn’t enough to live on.

That said, we should be wary of ascribing spiritual superiority to families with privileged financial circumstances. Just because a mom is able to stay at home does not, by definition, make her a better Christian mom.

For another example in which life circumstance might lead a wife or mother to work, there may come a time when the wife is the only one who can get a job and her husband cannot. If your husband is having trouble finding work, your own career might be the only thing sustaining the family financially until he does.

In my own situation, I will have to be the primary provider during the first years of my marriage because my fiancé has another year of seminary, after which he will pursue a Ph.D. When the time comes for me to fill this role, I will be glad to have the education and experience to work a job that will support us both.

And for all you single gals, this isn’t a question you should really even be asking just yet. Instead of looking too far ahead, focus on what God has for you right now. Only God knows when your season of singleness will come to a close, so don’t waste this opportunity simply because you think your job skills will eventually go unneeded. The fact of the matter is that God wants to use you in your career NOW, so make sure you’re maximizing your time and energy for the Kingdom of God and get out there!

So in light of these arrayed circumstances, I would be so bold as to state that it is irresponsible for women to assume that once they get married they’ll have all their needs provided for. That mentality results from a culture of excess, but our country may be entering a time when such a scenario can no longer be assumed. We need to train ourselves to be ready in the event that we need to help provide for our families. Yes, the husband is the head so it is his primary responsibility to provide, but his wife should also be helping him.

Those are the practical argument for women building careers, but there are other aspects to consider as well. One reason the model for American Christian families is often so narrow is that it fails to be creative. There are numerous ways for families to allow both parents to work AND be in the home with their kids, but we don’t often consider them.

For example, I once interned under the president of a non-denominational women’s ministry who actually home-schooled her kids SO THAT she could have a more flexible schedule to work. Because she wasn’t bound by a schedule determined by a public or private school, she could decide when and how to school them in such a way that worked with her speaking and writing schedule. Ironically, she spent more time with her kids than a lot of non-working moms, yet she accomplished more than any woman I’ve ever met.

Now that’s not to say that we all need to home-school our kids, but I think it goes to show that when it comes to the family, we need to think outside the box.

I once a read an article by Nancy Pearcey in which she traced the history of the American family, and as a result of her research she found that prior to the Industrial Revolution the whole family lived and worked together. Unlike our current model in which the family is disjointed because the father goes off to work and the mother stays at home with the kids, EVERYONE worked on the family’s farm or business together. The mom and dad both worked, but they were with their kids throughout the day.

It wasn’t until the Industrial Revolution, which took men out of the home and placed them in factories, that we even see a model in which the man leaves his wife alone with the children. We’re so used to this model that we think it’s Scriptural and that it’s always been this way, but that’s not actually true. Prior to the Industrial Revolution we had a much more holistic picture of the family, in which the husband and the wife both shouldered the burden of providing financially and raising the children.

Reading Pearcey’s article challenged me to question the model that I had always come to accept. It caused me to search for alternative models in which the father is less absent from the lives of his children. My fiancé and I are praying through this as well, and seeking out what model would work best for us.

We both want to be ministers, and that may very well mean that I stay at home more so that he is free to pastor a church. But it doesn’t mean I have to step out of ministry completely. I may work some so that he has to work less, thereby freeing him up to spend more time with our kids than he might have otherwise.

But whatever the model, we want to make sure that we do it as a team. Yes, he will be the head of the home, but that means he has an even GREATER responsibility to be in the lives of our kids, rather than just leaving that role to me when he leaves the house every morning. He doesn’t want the home to simply be “my realm” but to instead be “our realm.” So depending on where life takes us, we’re going to try and think creatively about how to minister to and care for our kids first and foremost, while also honoring and maximizing one another’s individual gifts and callings for the Kingdom of God.

And that’s what I would encourage you to do–be creative, and don’t get stuck in the model that you see around you. Yes, honor Scripture, but even the Proverbs 31 woman worked, so you can certainly be a good mother and also have a job. Your boundaries should be Scripturally prescribed (God first, Marriage second, Kids third, and Work last), but within these parameters you can seek to build a family model as innovative as the infinitely creative God who made us.

Forty years ago today, the Apollo 8 crew embarked on its landmark voyage to escape the earth’s gravitational field. It had never been done before, and the Americans were in a race against the Russians to do it first. 

Today, on Christmas Eve, I have posted the broadcast of these three men as they peered down at the earth for the first time. Their words are both moving and profound. They provide Christians with a great perspective on Christmas Eve as we ponder the multiple meanings of the phrase, “Let there be light.” 

I don’t care what you say, my family has THE coolest Christmas tradition ever.

It all began years ago when my brother and I came downstairs to find a ransom note hanging on the mantle in place of our stockings. Upon reading the note we learned that the Grinch had come to our house and stolen our presents. That’s right, The Grinch.

The only way to retrieve our stolen stockings was to embark on a scavenger hunt throughout the house, decoding numerous tricky clues. Only if we were clever enough to uncover the meanings of the clues would we be able to find our presents.

Over the years, this tradition has evolved. My dad burned out from coming up with so many riddles, so the scavenger hunt has now been reduced to one single puzzle. But make no mistake–these puzzles have not gotten easier as my brother and I have aged.

Two years ago we had to fill out an elaborate Christmas crossword puzzle, then we used key letters from the crossword to spell out the location of our presents. That puzzle was my dad’s finest masterpiece. The questions were all Christmas related, but they were insanely obscure–I don’t even know where he found that information! It definitely blew my seminary degree to smithereens. Nothing kicks off Christmas better than a little shame and humiliation.

Now the reason I wanted to share this tradition with you is not to brag on how cool my dad is (or to subliminally beg him to PLEASE keep on making the puzzles even though I’m 27 years old and I should have outgrown them and he’s getting tired of making them). The reason I bring it up is that there is something profoundly theological about this tradition.

I’d never noticed it before until I heard a pastor describe his own family’s practice of putting riddles on each present before they could be opened. The riddle would be a clue as to what was inside, and the pastor compared this practice to the story of Scripture.

Frequently, we tell the Christmas story as if it is a sudden break in the narrative. All the boring Old Testamenty stuff was going on, but out of nowhere Jesus bursts upon the scene and things suddenly get interesting. Because it appears at the beginning of the New Testament, we read the birth narrative as a transition point that divides the Bible in half: there’s pre-Jesus, and post-Jesus.

But in reality, the Christmas story is more like my scavenger hunt. Prior to receiving my presents there were tons of clues leading me to them. The gifts didn’t just appear out of nowhere–the puzzles were pointing me to them all along. And it is the same with the Christmas story. Jesus doesn’t just drop into the story abruptly. All over the Old Testament there are clues pointing God’s people to him. The Old Testament is just as much a part of the Christmas story as the Gospels.

From Genesis onward, we see hundreds of clues directing us to the coming of Christ. Even the title of this post comes from Isaiah 9–check it out. It is a beautiful description of Christ’s birth, only it was written hundreds of years before he was born. Indeed, the Old Testament is all building up to this moment.

And given that fact, we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas just once a year. Yes, let’s take some time to rest and celebrate, but if Scripture never stopped pointing to Christ, then neither should we. The entire story, Genesis to Revelation, is all about Jesus, and that is a model for our lives. We must celebrate Christ and point others towards him with the same consistency and fervency that we do at Christmas time.

With that in mind, I want to close with an excerpt from Isaiah 9. Read it and imagine the expectancy of the Israelites as they awaited the coming of this marvelous event:

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. –Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas!!

Last week I wrote about the Newsweek opinion piece on gay marriage, and since that time Al Mohler, President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY, responded to the article on NPR. The interview with Mohler was conducted in a dialogue format between Mohler and Lisa Miller, the author of the article. I am posting it today because it serves as a great example of how we should respond in the face of this debate.

Click here to listen to the interview.

Notice that Mohler is passionate about his points, but he is controlled by truth, not by emotion. He does not attack Miller or even go so far as to belittle her arguments (which would have been easy). Instead, he relates to her as a fellow human being who was created in the image of God, and a fellow human being who struggles with sin no more than he.

And he does all of this confidently yet without arrogance. Mohler is clearly the scholar of the two, but rather than allow his knowledge to feed his pride and dominate his opponent, he stands back and lets the truth defend itself. It was not Mohler’s prerogative to change her mind, but to faithfully transmit the teachings of Scripture. He therefore spoke as a man who did not have such a heavy burden to bear.

Rarely do I hear Christians speak about this issue with both truth and love, so I hope you will listen to this interview and learn from it. He speaks to them in kindness, grace, and understanding, not for the sake of acceptance, but to guard the integrity of the Gospel. I pray that Mohler’s example represents the future of Baptists in America. It would be a welcome and much needed change. It may also mean that we continue to be hated, but only because we’re standing for an uncomfortable truth–not because we’re being jerks about it.

Every Christmas season Hollywood finds a new way to butcher the meaning of Christmas, and this year is no exception. My most current commercial nemesis is brought to us this year by the people at Macy’s. You may have seen it already, but for those of you who haven’t, it goes like this….. 

Did you catch that at the end? Did you notice when Martha Stewart said “it” instead of “he?” I watched it several times just to make sure that’s really what she’s saying, and it is. That’s right, Santa got neutered.

Now I have to admit that I sympathize with what the commercial is saying–what parent hasn’t broken the news to their kids that Santa doesn’t exist by coming up with some story about how Santa is more of a “spirit” or an “idea” that characterizes Christmas. Most people, Christians included, would confess that Santa is real in that sense.

(And for the record, that’s exactly what my parents told me when I learned the painful reality that Santa isn’t real, but it didn’t make me feel better one stinkin’ bit. All I remember is thinking that my parents had been lying to me my whole life. That’s a cautionary tale for you parents out there.)

But I think what bothers me about this commercial is that the person they describe in this commercial isn’t Santa, it’s Christ. Just notice the language they use–Santa is equated with love and generosity, he is the reason for childlike faith, and he lives eternally. That’s Jesus they’re talking about, not some made up fat dude in a red suit.

And that’s what bothers me about this commercial’s attempt at sentimentality. The use of the word “it” is the final nail in the coffin of Christmas time theology. We are completely divorcing all language about Christmas from its actual meaning. Hollywood desires this to be a season of “hope” and “joy” but without any sort of foundation upon which to base those sentiments.

Hope in what? Joy in what? We are a country plagued by war and immorality. Our economy is faltering and people are losing their jobs. From where are we supposed to conjure up this hope and joy? It can’t just appear out of nowhere, and it certainly isn’t going to come from Macy’s. 

That is why it’s imperative that we as Christians hold on to the meaning of Christmas. And not just “in your hearts”–that’s not enough. You need to fight for it in tangible ways. Invite your neighbors and co-workers to church with you on Christmas Eve so that they can hear the Gospel. Ask your non-Christian friends what they think about the Christmas season, or what they teach their kids about it. Think of creative ways to engage people in conversation, because it’s in our faces every day.

And that in-your-face dynamic of Christmas commercialism is the key reason why we need to fight. The predominate teachings about Christmas are coming from Hollywood commercials instead of people who actually know Christ. That’s why we need to speak up and step up. Don’t just get swept up in the Christmas time craziness and let this opportunity pass you by. Use your sphere of influence to fight against the superficial messages about Christmas so that we can reclaim its true meaning, and celebrate the source of our gifts, rather than the gifts themselves. 

For those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I rarely say anything about my current dating life. I have frequently written about my experiences and mistakes in the past, but I’ve tried to avoid discussing my present personal relationships for the sake of guarding people’s privacy and reputations.

Now as a result of this silence, many of you will probably be surprised by what I’m about to say, but hopefully you will be excited as well, because over the weekend

I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, for the last 10 months I have been dating the godliest and most wonderful man I have ever met. Though I have not mentioned him by name, he has been the inspiration behind many of my blogs this past year. He is a man so immersed in the Word that our every day conversations give me plenty to think about and write about each week.

Because of him, I have learned the importance of having a spiritual leader with whom you are ALSO equally yoked.

Because of him I have learned first-hand that a Christ-centered relationship sets you free to do ministry better, rather than tying up your time and holding you back from it.

Because of him, I have captured a glimpse of the beauty God wrote into my created being. I wish I could change the aspects of myself that are different from the world’s standards of beauty, yet those are the attributes that he loves most, because they set me apart–and that’s exactly why God gave them to me.

Because of him, I have experienced first hand the truth that God desires you to marry another person ONLY if you can serve God better with them than without them. I have found that partner, that co-laborer who pushes me and affirms me and challenges me every day.

Now that we are engaged, I am going to keep writing but I will be a bit more open about the ways in which my relationship with him teaches me about God. This will not, however, turn into a blog for married people. It is my desire that no matter where life takes me, I will continue to write for women wherever they are in life. Theology is not just for single women or just for married women–it is for Christian women.

I am excited about this new chapter in my life, and I’m sure that God has wonderful things to teach me through it, so I’m anxious to see what I learn. I hope you will continue to walk along with me.

My pastor and I have an on-going debate about whether or not the media is lopsidedly liberal. I am convinced that he’s overly paranoid, and he’s convinced that I’m hopelessly naive. This debate will probably never end.

However, I had to concede a point to him this week when I came home to my copy of Newsweek. What I found inside was so absurd that I almost laughed.

On the front cover of the magazine was an article entitled “The Religious Case for Marriage.” Below it was a picture of the Bible with a rainbow bookmark sticking out the bottom. Intrigued, I opened up the publication and began to read.

What I found was some of the sloppiest Scriptural interpretation that I have ever read. It was so off-base and and biased that I’m surprised Newsweek would even publish it as responsible journalism.

If you care to read it yourself, click here.

Now as much as I disagree with the author’s underlying agenda, it is her method that bothers me the most. I have never witnessed such a blatant twisting of Scripture to fit one’s own agenda. Her arguments are so academically hollow that a first semester seminary student with only an introductory level of Greek could easily level her claims.

And that’s not to mention her own self-defeating arguments. She argues that Scripture cannot be trusted for a reliable account of marriage, but then appeals to Scriptural teachings about love to support the practice of gay marriage. So which one is it? Is Scripture a reliable authority, or is it not?

Ok, so I’m clearly really frustrated by this article, but that is not my reason for writing now. As much as I’m really annoyed by the fact that this article does not represent responsible journalism (and I’ll admit it, I am optimistic about the media–I do believe some people in the media are still trying to report the truth, and this was NOT an example of it), I have another motive for posting this blog.

I suspect that this article was more an attempt to generate sales through sensationalism than a sincere stab at serious reporting, but this article nevertheless impresses upon Christians an urgency to know why we believe what we believe. It is not enough to hear an argument like the one in Newsweek and emotionally respond, “That’s not what the Bible says!” You need to know how and why that’s not what the Bible says. You must be able to defend your point. This means studying historical, cultural, linguistic and Scriptural contexts so that you can defend Scripture when someone uses it irresponsibly.

I know that sounds hyper-academic and you’re probably thinking that’s an unrealistic expectation to have for the non-seminary and pastor types, but it’s really not as hard as it sounds. It means that you read Scripture with intention.

Don’t simply read the Bible for daily encouragement, read it to know what it actually says. When you come across a culturally charged term like “homosexual” or “submission,” stop and look at the larger passage. Figure out how it fits into the chapter, the book, and the Bible on the whole. If you have a study Bible, read the footnotes. Try to discern why Scripture warns against certain practices and encourages others, rather than just accepting it as fact. Read Scriptural commands with the same amount of scrutiny that you’d expect from your non-Christian friends.

When you arm yourself with knowledge, you prevent yourself from becoming culturally irrelevant. You keep from forfeiting your right to participate in the discussion. And as women, that is a practice we have long over-looked and under-valued, but we cannot afford to do so any longer. After all, this article was written by a woman.

However, I cannot close without a reminder about presenting your case in love. Not only will it help people to receive your perspective, but it will set you apart–this article came just short of name-calling. She compared religious conservatives to slave owners. We should not sink to that level.

But even more importantly, we must present our perspectives in love because logic often misses the point. More often than not, these arguments are not founded on purely philosophical or logical grounds. They are instead an issue of the heart, something that individuals care deeply about. And therein lies our primary target–people’s hearts. If we are master apologists but terrible at loving people, we will accomplish little. It is the heart, not the mind, that needs changing.

That said, be sure to arm yourself with knowledge, but also arm yourself with love. Combined, we will be able to stand for truth, but we will do it in a language that the world can actually understand.

Odds are that many of you who are reading this blog right now have either had premarital sex, are having premarital sex, or are thinking about having premarital sex.

Just look at the statistics:

• A 2002 government survey reported that 94% of American women and 96% of American men engage in premarital sex–as one article concluded, almost EVERYONE has sex before marriage
• According to a poll conducted by Time Magazine 10 years ago, 61% of frequent church attenders do not believe that it’s wrong for an adult to have sex outside of marriage. A recent Barna study confirmed this statistical range, also citing that over 60% of born again adults believe that co-habitation before marriage is also acceptable.
• In 2003, researchers at Northern Kentucky University showed that 61 percent of students who signed sexual-abstinence commitment cards broke their pledges. Of the remaining 39 percent who kept their pledges, 55 percent said they’d had oral sex, and did not consider oral sex to be sex.
• According to statistics in the book Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers (Mark Regenerus), Evangelical teens are actually more likely to have lost their virginity than either mainline Protestants or Catholics. They tend to lose their virginity at a slightly younger age—16.3, compared with 16.7 for the other two faiths. And they are much more likely to have had three or more sexual partners by age 17

Now statistics can be unreliable–we have no way of knowing just how the terms “evangelical,” “born-again,” or even “Christian” are defined in these studies. But even considering the margin of error, premarital sex is a big problem in the Church today. Just ask any pastor who does premarital counseling. I, personally, have a number of friends who are professing Christians but have no problem with it and don’t believe it is in conflict with their faith.

That said, I thought I should write a blog about a seemingly obvious truth that is not so obvious anymore: why premarital sex is wrong. And just so you know where I’m coming from, this is a point on which I have no room for argument. If you say you’re a Bible-believing Christian and you think it’s ok, you are wrong. There is simply no way around that fact. Scripture is clear.

(And if you don’t believe me, just go to biblegateway.com and search “sex.” Or if you’ve got the KJV version, look up fornication. That’s the old school word for premarital sex. It appears pretty frequently, and you’ll get the idea pretty quickly.)

However, for a lot of you it’s not enough to hear “because the Bible says so.” You need to be convinced that this is more than a matter of rule following. And I sympathize. Sex is hard to resist because, simply put, it’s awesome. We wouldn’t want to do it so badly if it wasn’t.

But what feels good now is not necessarily good later. My 6 year old self thought that my greatest good was to eat all the cookies that I could get my hands on in one sitting. My parents knew better. They knew that I would enjoy the cookies at first, but I would get horribly sick, and eventually horribly obese. But at the time, I was blind to the ways in which that instant gratification could make me sick, and we do the same thing with sex.

That said, we need to redefine our categories. Instead of thinking in terms of just right and wrong, we need to also think in terms of healthy and unhealthy, or spiritual life and spiritual death.

And that is what’s at stake here–your soul. Sure, it seems like a bunch of harmless fun, or maybe you really do care about the person you’re sleeping with and this is one way of showing them how you feel.

But God says otherwise. God cares about what you do with your body. And what we do with out bodies is very much connected to our souls.

Here’s why:

Sex is not just a benefit of being married. It is an integral part of the way God designed marriage and our function within marriage. The reason being that marriage, as a whole, reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. And what do we know about that relationship? That it’s defined by two things: intimacy and sacrifice.

Sex within marriage is the only perfect picture of the Christ-Church relationship because it incorporates both of those elements. In the same way that we only achieve intimacy with God as a result of Him first sacrificing His Son for us, intimacy between spouses should only come as a direct result of their sacrifice for one another, their willingness to lay their lives down for one another.

And this idea of laying yourself down for one another is not mere lip service. God didn’t casually mention one day, “Hey, I’ll be there when you need me. Just shoot me an e-mail.” No, He didn’t just tell us with words, He died.

Similarly, it’s not enough to claim, “But my boyfriend loves me and he WOULD do anything for me.” No, he needs to show it, just like Christ. And he needs to make this sacrifice in 2 ways:

1. He needs to sacrifice having sex with you before marriage. Scripture tells us that we are bought at a price, and this verse reminds us that anything worth having comes at a price. That said, when a man sleeps with a woman without “paying the price” of laying himself down for her in a marriage covenant, then he essentially cheapens her asking price. He wants the pleasure without the commitment.

And we do the same with Christ–we “pray the prayer” but we don’t want the commitment and the sacrifice that true discipleship entails. And when we do this, the intimacy we claim to have with Christ, or another, is nothing but a sham. Even if you and your boyfriend have lived together for years and you really love each other, you’ve still sold one another short, because he simply wasn’t worth waiting for.

2. He needs to sacrifice by standing before God, your pastor, your family and your church community, promising to lay himself down for you. In addition to this, he must subject himself to the continuing accountability of those witnesses, who will push him to put you before himself, to take on your finances, your debts, your cares and your hardships, even when he doesn’t want to. In so doing, he lays down his own interests and puts yours first. Only then, having gone through the sacrifical marriage ceremony, does he have the freedom to engage in full intimacy with his wife in a way that mirrors Christ’s relationship with the Church.

With all of that in mind, we come to the key reason why premarital sex is not just wrong, but spiritually poisonous: IT TELLS A LIE ABOUT GOD. It proclaims the lie that intimacy, as God has defined it, is not worth sacrificing for.

That said, you cannot build true, long-lasting intimacy upon a deception about the nature of intimacy. What you have with your girlfriend or boyfriend might be special, but that does not mean it reflects the heart of God. Even if you get along great and never fight and you think that you’re soulmates, you are sewing seeds of destruction into the relationship when you have sex before marriage–you are sewing seeds of impatience, lack of self-control, disrespect, lust, and idolatry. And even though you don’t see it now, those seeds WILL come to fruition.

And that is why I plead with you, not as someone who is lily white in this area, but as someone who has seen the destruction that sexual immorality leads to in my own life–flee from it! Run as fast as you can! Your life might be good now and you might think you’ve got it all figured out–maybe you even think you’ve pulled a fast one on God, that you’ve figured out a way to work the system and get what you want without the consequences. But you will be shocked and regretful 10 years down the road to realize the ways in which your decisions have corroded your soul, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your sexual partner.

Remember, sex is an act of worship because it reflects the character of God. But it is not a thing to be worshipped, something worth compromising your beliefs and your lifestyle just to attain. I know the rationalizations and the justifications because I’ve used them myself, but they are all ultimately lies. There is only one foundation upon which you should build your future, and that is truth. Anything else will ultimately and inevitablely crumble.

*For a GREAT book on this, check out Lauren Winner’s book Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity. You can also find two great articles here and here.

If you ever wander into the women’s section of a Christian bookstore, you are sure to find one thing–self-help books.

They may carry spiritual titles and use Scriptural language, but at their core they’re about one thing–helping you. Maybe you don’t like your marriage, or you have a bad relationship with your dad, or someone hurt you in the past and you can’t get over it–whatever the problem, you’re sure to find a book designed just to help you.

Now this isn’t all bad, because wholeness and healing are two very important aspects of the Christian life. Christ healed people, and God tells us to come to Him with our cares and anxieties. That’s Biblical.

However, there is a big difference between the Bible and self-help books. To explain this point, just look at one of the most insecure individuals in the Bible: Saul, the King of Isreal.

Now I don’t know about you, but when I think of Saul I imagine a guy kind of like Biff on Back to the Future. He was arrogant and power-crazed, willing to do anything to protect his position and authority. He was David’s arch-nemesis, the reason behind many of the psalms of lament. So as far as I was concerned, he got what he deserved in the end.

But if you actually read the story, you’ll get a very different picture of Saul. He’s not a man obsessed with power (at least not at first) but instead a man who is painfully insecure. Just check out this exchange between Saul and Samuel:

And Samuel said, “Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The LORD anointed you king over Israel. And the LORD sent you on a mission…Why then did you not obey the voice of the LORD? (15: 17-19)

Little in his own eyes? That’s not the Saul I imagined. But we get an even clearer taste of Saul’s struggle when he later replies…

“I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. (15:24)

That’s right, Saul was wrestling with the exact same struggle as every American, 8th grade girl: insecurity. Maybe he didn’t think he was equipped enough to lead, or that people wouldn’t take him seriously. But whatever his fears, they had a profound enough effect to shape his actions in fundamental ways.

And at this point, the Bible might seem to have a lot in common with the books you find in Christian bookstores. They both grapple with the pain and consequences of a wounded ego.

But you have to read the rest of the story…

Saul immediately apologizes to Samuel and asks God for forgiveness. So what does Samuel do? Does he give Saul a big hug and tell him everything’s going to be ok? Does he tell Saul that God made him to be special and has wonderful plans for his life? Does he give him a pep talk about taking hold of his best life now?

No. Quite the opposite actually:

“Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has also rejected you from being king.”(15: 22-23)

No hugging. No coddling. No “You are special.”

This is where the Bible and self-help books depart ways. The two have very different goals in mind. Whereas self-help books are aimed at the self, healing the self, restoring the self, feeling better about the self, Scripture tells us to forget yourself and focus on God.

And that was Saul’s problem–he was too focused on himself. Maybe not in an obvious, power-hungry kind of way, but he was self-focused nonetheless. And that’s why Samuel didn’t treat Saul as a wounded puppy who needed to lick his wounds–he instead called his insecurities by name: idolatry.

At its heart, that’s what insecurity is–it is a preoccupation with the self, putting the self so central that it supplants the rightful place of God. And that’s exactly why Saul disobeyed God–he cared more about the opinions of others than he cared about God.

That is why the solution to insecurity is not more self-help books–the solution is a more robust theology. We need a system of beliefs that pries our focus off of ourselves and places our sights back on Christ. Therein lies true freedom–we will no longer be in bondage to our own shortcomings and fears because we’ll be so blissfully distracted from them by God.

And that is the irony of it all–to focus on yourself will keep you in bondage to the self. To focus on God will set you free from yourself.

So the next time you’re tempted to check out one of those self-help books, spend some time thumbing through the chapters to discern the book’s true goal. That is where you will find the distinction between Scriptural teaching, and idolatry veiled as spiritual pop-psychology.