Last week I was directed to a blog post written by a single woman about her struggle to live without physical intimacy in her life. Not only was the post refreshingly transparent, but it was also a helpful reminder to me as a now married woman. I still remember sitting in a Bible study full of married women, myself a single woman, as each member of the group bemoaned the chore of having sex with her husband. When they turned to me and apologized, “Oh sorry, Sharon! You must feel so awkward right now!” I replied, “Actually, I’m trying to figure out what you all are complaining about.”

It’s easy to take the comforts of marriage for granted. It’s also easy to forget the great struggles of being single. I hope the following excerpt will be an encouragement to those who find yourself at in the same place as the author. I also hope it will serve as an important reminder to those of us who seek to love you.

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In our culture it seems ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ when women desire sex as a means to emotional intimacy.  But no one believes that a woman could struggle with the purely physical.  So, I’ll go ahead and put this blog out there just in case it might be an encouragement.  This struggle has provided for me the biggest challenge and deepest ‘suffering’ of singleness.

I believe that one day, I will look at my life and say with confidence that the single greatest blessing I have experienced of singleness has been pain of learning to live without physical intimacy.

Part of why it’s been so painful is it is probably the struggle that has confused me most.  It’s been (and is) a pretty hard sell to get my body on board with the idea that I’m not missing out on what I was created for.  It’s challenging to not feel entitled.  And in a moment of absolute vulnerability, it’s one of the things that has made it the hardest to trust my sweet and faithful God.  And in some ways – in dark and frightened places – I feel forgotten and betrayed and confused.

Because I know He knows me. I know He knows my body and my heart and I know He designed and wired this desire inside of me in the same way He wired my belly to grumble slightly around 11:02 AM.  My hunger is designed to prompt me to eat.  And so I do.  And yet, my Father has told me that when I am hungry in this sense I must trust Him and not find food for myself.  And He has seen fit not to give me any guarantee that this hunger will ever be satisfied.

There is pain.  There is pain in watching my friends be fed one after another with the thing I feel like I need the most.  There is pain in facing each morning with the knowledge that today there will be no daily bread for this hunger.  There is pain as I sit, feeling as though I am starving to death, and listen to my married friends try to explain to me that eating is overrated. [Emphasis added]

And the truth is: this is the biggest blessing of my life.

You know what it makes me think about?  Fasting.  Fasting is strange.  I think it’s weird that God is about physical fasting.  It involves a need that is seemingly purely physical.

When I am lonely, I ultimately want God.  When I am sad, only God can bring true joy.  When I am afraid, it points me to the promises of God.  When I feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, alone, in all these needs, God alone will bring true and lasting peace.

But, when I’m hungry, I want a cheeseburger and some fries.

Physical desires seemingly terminate on physical things.  And that’s the beauty of fasting.  God commands us to fast, not so that He can prove He is as good as a cheeseburger by making our hunger go away. God commands us to fast so that we learn to feel hungry and trust Him in the midst of that gnawing sense of need.

The goal of fasting is not for God to remove our hunger, but for us to learn that in the midst of hunger He is trustworthy.  The feeling of hunger is the point of the fast.  God wants us to feel hunger so that we are reminded that we are not supposed to be satisfied and we are supposed to long for Him.  We fast to reflect that we trust God regardless of what our bodies tell us.  He is our authority, not our bodies.

Today, my body wants something tangible and physical.  My body doesn’t know that God will satisfy all my needs.  It just wants what it was made to have.  And today, I don’t get to have that.  And so the line is drawn in the sand and the challenge is made.  Today, what will be my source of truth?  Who will be the one who determines what I need?  My body?  Or my God?  Who knows my needs better?  Me or Jesus?  When I feel so clearly what I ‘need’, will I trust Him that there is a greater need?  Will I learn to be hungry so that I can trust Him in hunger, not just in plenty?

There is no area in my life that makes me more likely to doubt the promises of God than this area.  I have told friends through tears that many days I do not feel like I have everything I need for life and godliness because of this.  I do not know how I am going to persevere in light of my hunger and in light of my Father’s gracious call to purity.

And so, this pain, more than anything else will teach me to trust.  Each day, as the sun goes down and I still find myself securely held in the arms of the Father, my faith is built.    He doesn’t promise to give me everything I need to never be hungry.  He promises to give me everything I need to not starve to death on the road home to Him.  And today I’m alive; He has proved Himself faithful.  He doesn’t promise to give me everything I need to never ever falter.  He promises to give me everything I need to finish this race.  And today I love Him; He has proved Himself faithful.  He will finish the good work He began in me.  There is only one thing I really need.  And it is secure.

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One of my greatest joys in life is to hear from former students or young women that I have led in the past. After our paths diverge, I sometimes wonder if anything I said or the way I lived my life had any impact at all, so it’s a tremendous affirmation when these women seek my advice or friendship after I’m no longer in an official capacity of leadership in their lives.

Over the years I’ve fielded a lot of questions from these young ladies, and about 9 times out of 10 the questions are about dating! Especially now that I’m married, I’m happy to offer a “from the other side” perspective on relationships. But oftentimes in the process of answering these questions I think to myself, “I bet she’s not the only person wondering about this–I should probably write a blog about this topic!”

Well that is the inspiration for today’s post. I want to highlight two questions I’ve received of late. Both deal with dating, and both are questions that I bet a lot of young women ask. So without further ado, here is some hopefully helpful “big sister” advice for navigating the deep waters of dating:

Question #1: How Soon Should My Boyfriend and I Become Spiritually Intimate?

One dynamic that emerges pretty quickly in Christian dating relationships is how soon you should pray together, serve in ministry together, etc. I would distinguish this kind of spiritual intimacy from simple conversations about faith, which should happen before you ever date–you need to know if he loves Jesus, and the only way you can find out is if you ask!

But what about the intentional investment into one another’s spiritual growth? What about sharing you deepest darkest prayer requests, or making the decision to serve in ministry together? Although these practices would seem like spiritual fertilizer on a budding Christian relationship, I would actually caution against diving into this type of intimacy too quickly.

As I shared with a young friend recently, this type of spiritual intimacy EARLY in a relationship can blur the lines of your own relationship with God. At the beginning of any relationship there are a lot of temptations to overcome, so it is during this time that you have to be particularly guarded about your own spiritual walk. It can, however, be tough to gauge your own walk it has suddenly become wrapped up in the faith of another. The exhilaration you feel after praying together or leading a group of youth together can leave you feeling SO GREAT with God–and also TOTALLY blind to the friends you haven’t seen in weeks, the ministry commitments you ditched to go serve with your bf, or the fact that your quiet times are inconsistent because you’re up late every night chatting with your man and you can no longer wake up in the morning.

You see, spiritual intimacy in dating relationships is not always real spiritual intimacy. In fact, it can be just the opposite. Sometimes when we rush into these practices, we are actually using God to serve the growth of the relationship–not the other way around. And in the process of this misapplication, you become pre-maturely intimate with someone who you are still only getting to know.

That is why the true test of a healthy relationship, EARLY ON, is whether you can stay consistent in your faith independent of one another. As time goes on and you become more serious, it is appropriate to pray together consistently and grow together spiritually, but take it slowly. A relationship will be Christ-centered if both individuals are centered on Christ before they ever begin to date, so take the time to learn whether he has that kind of focus without the crutch or misguided motivation of a girlfriend.

Question #2: What’s the Difference Between Lust and Normal Sexual Desire?

Another great question concerns the line between healthy sexual desire and lust. As you become more and more serious about a man and the two of you are planning to marry, it is perfectly natural to experience increasing feelings of sexual attraction. If you didn’t have that desire then it might mean he’s not the one for you! But what is the difference between this normal desire, and the sin of lust?

The point at which you cross that line is in your imagination. God created sex and called it good, which means it is healthy and godly to desire this good thing. Where you stray into dangerous territory is day-dreaming about sex. It’s so easy to fantasize about sex and let your imagination carry you away, and that’s the point at which a God-given desire crosses into the category of lust.

In day-dreaming about sex, you are allowing your mind to go to a place that God has forbidden at this point in your life. In a sense, lust is like cheating the system–you won’t let yourself go there physically, so you go there mentally. Jesus anticipated this loophole in Matthew 5 when he equated lust with the actual act of adultery–the motivation behind the two is exactly the same.

It should also be noted that when you freely allow your mind to indulge in that degree of intimacy, it will be easy for your body to follow. In the heat of the moment, you are more likely to venture down a path if it is familiar to you–even if only in your imagination.

Well that concludes this edition of Big Sister Dating Advice! If you ever have questions that you’d like to see discussed on this blog, always feel free to e-mail me! Or, if you have personal questions that you want to ask in confidence, I would love to hear from you as well. Even the best dating relationships can be challenging, but as the Body of Christ we can help each other along the way!

As a person who loves to do ministry through writing, it’s been an awesome privilege to write for a webzine called Ungrind. Designed for women and written by women, this online publication addresses one topic a month and features various articles dealing with that topic. The topic for August was “comfort,” and I wrote an article that is currently being featured on the site.

Below I have inserted a bit of a teaser with a link to the rest of the article at the end. But I also encourage you to check out the entire site! There are a lot of fantastic female writers who contribute to it, and the editor herself is especially talented. I know you’ll find it to be a great source encouragement as you read the thoughts and insights of women who are living life in pursuit of Christ.

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Excerpt from “The Comforter”

Four summers ago, I made a memory I wish I could forget. It’s the kind of memory that makes me cringe every time I recall it. I try to push it out of my brain as quickly as I can. When I do think on it, I am filled with regret.

I worked at a local hospital as a chaplain. I was interning there as part of my seminary education, and the work was emotionally grueling. After a few days of training I was thrown into the deep end to either sink or swim. I counseled pregnant teenagers, and comforted families through the illness of a loved one. I rushed to the ER when a trauma arrived and contacted the victim’s family. I sat with them and offered prayer after the doctor informed them of their loss. It was rewarding work, but it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

It was also the occasion for one of my greatest regrets.

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I will be the first to admit that I use Facebook as a way to stay connected to people. In fact, ever since moving to Chicago I’ve posted more status updates and commented on other people’s pages more than I ever have before! It’s helped me to feel like I’m still a part of my friends’ lives even though I’m far away. It’s an outlet for interacting with them in their every day lives.

Having said that, there is a growing trend in the Facebook/Twitter world that has captured my attention more and more. I’ve written about these social media in previous posts such as Fakebook and Another Reason Why I’m Not on Twitter, but this post regards a trend of a different sort. It is the pattern of tweeting/posting status updates at–what I would consider to be–inappropriate times.

This trend first grabbed my attention when I noticed status updates that occurred while people were on dates with their spouses, spending time with their families, or even on their wedding night. Technology has taken a lot of blame for stealing our attention away from real, flesh and blood relationships, and this seemed to be a prime example. If you’ve ever been in the presence of someone who is texting while you’re trying to have a conversation with them, you know how this feels. We may be with someone physically, but Twitter/texting can prevent us from actually BEING with them.

In addition to this trend, I’ve also begun to notice the practice of tweeting about deeply personal, intimate moments. Although I understand the desire to share what’s going on in your life with your community, Twitter has become a window into private moments and experiences that, in the past, would have been reserved for God and family.

For months now I have pondered this and wondered what it indicates about our culture. What does it mean when we no longer have private moments? What does it means when we’re constantly thinking about how to describe what we’re doing to a watching world in 140 characters or less?

Well this past week I had a revelation. It came as I read a philosopher who stressed the importance of privacy and isolation in the life of an individual. As he explained it, we are constantly being shaped by influences around us that we many not even recognize. What’s more, some of these influences can be rather destructive forces in our lives. Unfortunately, as long as we remain submerged in the culture–as long as we’re constantly bombarding ourselves with images from t.v., political ideas from our preferred news outlet, or even spending all our time with our friends–we don’t have any space to step back and scrutinize it. Because we don’t allow ourselves much separation from the culture to be with God and our family and close friends, we don’t have the distance to ask ourselves:

How am I being influenced?

As Christians, this is a critical question that we should always be asking. Both inside and outside the church there are ungodly influences that threaten the integrity of our discipleship and the authenticity of our faith. And as long as we are constantly putting our lives on display through social media, we will live according to the inevitable temptations that such visibility bring. Rather than setting aside some private time to get real with God or the people with whom we can truly be ourselves, we will constantly be subjecting ourselves to the opinions and judgments of others, and we are sure to be shaped by that pressure.

Even in the church, our community can be mighty persuasive in detrimental ways. When we are constantly operating under the need for the world to think we have the best marriage or the greatest relationship with God, or if we feel an unrelenting pressure to set an example or conform to a certain expectation, then our faith will struggle to be truly authentic. As horrible an existence as that sounds, we willingly subject ourselves to that rat race when we mishandle social media. In doing so, we haven’t lost privacy; we’ve given it away. And as a result, we may become shallow Twitter Christians who can’t turn off our need to perform.

I don’t even HAVE Twitter and I feel it that urge sometimes–that voice inside me that says, “I want to tell all my friends about this cool experience I’m having right now!” instead of being there in the moment and maximizing that time with my husband. It’s not that the urge to share good news with friends is a bad thing, but that urge is a constant nag in my life that indicates some misplaced priorities in my own heart.

That is why I offer yet another caution to be wise  about social media. As I have said before, technology can certainly be used for good so this is not a blanket statement against Twitter and Facebook, but please be discerning. Below I have jotted down a few diagnostics to check your motives as you seek to use technology in a way that is honoring to both God and your relationships. These help keep my own heart in check, so I hope they might encourage you as well:

• Make sure that Twitter is not an extension of your need to people-please.
• Don’t use Twitter (or texting) as an escape from the sometimes hard and unglamorous work of being with your family or God.
• Don’t allow Twitter to keep you in a constant place of superficial engagement with others. It’s hard to have real relationships when you’re always thinking of your life as a reality show to be displayed.
• And finally, be sure to seek validation and solace from God first. A moment can be just as joyful or satisfying without the listening ears of 1,000 Twitter followers to hear it. An audience of One is all you need.

Now that I’ve been married for a full year, I can say that I have learned a LOT about marriage and what it means to be a Christ-centered wife. I can also say that I have a LOT left to learn! Sometimes I feel like such a dufus–how many times do I have to make the same mistake before I get it right?? There are a lot of things about Christian marriage that are taking awhile to sink in to my thick head, but that’s not the only reason marriage can be hard. Sometimes marriage is hard because I don’t fully comprehend what Scripture says about my role as a wife.

Take, for instance, Genesis 2:18-22. In this passage, God creates Eve as a “helper” for Adam. It is because of these verses that the Church has long taught wives to be “helpers” to their husbands. But what exactly does that mean? Help him with what? With keeping the house clean? Making dinner? Tending the garden? Naming animals??

There are a lot of different ways to interpret this passage, so the best approach is to look at how the word “helper” is used elsewhere in Scripture. Interestingly, “helper” (the Hebrew word is ezer) appears numerous times throughout the Old Testament, and it oftentimes refers to God Himself (Examples: Exodus 18:4, Deut. 33:7, Psalm 20:2, etc.).  Right away, that tells us that this word has an extremely positive connotation. But what does it mean on a more practical level?

To answer this question I found a helpful explanation from a Bible scholar, Linda Belleville, that offered the following interpretation:

“All of the other occurrences of ezer in the OT have to do with the assistance that one of strength offers to one in need (ie., help from God, the king, an ally, or an army). There is no exception…Help given to one in need fits Genesis 2:18-20 quite well. The male’s situation was that of being ‘alone,’ and God’s evaluation was that it was ‘not good.’ The woman was hence created to relieve the man’s aloneness through strong partnership.”

Belleville then responds to interpretations that understand the word “helper” as little more than a term of subordination. She does this by pointing to Ezekiel 12 in which Judah is “helped” by allies in its defense against Babylon:

“Judah’s allies would hardly have thought of themselves as Judah’s subordinates…When Jerusalem was besieged by the Babylonians and Egypt came to the city’s ‘help,’ it was one with superior strength (Isa. 30:5). “ (Two Views on Women in Ministry, p. 27-28)

While these examples from Scripture are not evidence that women are somehow stronger or better than men, they do remind us that there are areas in which wives offer strengths that their husbands do not have–and vice versa. We help our husbands when we make use of our God-given strengths.

I should also add that I particularly love the above example from Ezekiel. It reminds me that, as a married couple, we are not simply playing house together. We are warriors in a spiritual battle (Eph. 6:12) and it’s my role as a wife to help my husband in that battle. “Helping” him is not a passive activity, and it has a much larger scope with far greater weight than I often remember.

What is ultimately at stake in understanding “helper” this way?

This interpretation calls women to more than we are often comfortable with, and that is a challenge we sorely need to hear. Just consider, for example, a phrase that is common amidst discussions of this sort. Oftentimes a woman teaching on the topic of leadership and submission in marriage will summarize her husband’s role by confessing, “I’m glad I’m not the spiritual leader because I wouldn’t want that kind of responsibility!”

Without disrespecting or belittling the genuine humility of these women, there is something behind that answer that concerns me. What troubles me is not so much their conclusions as it is the logic behind them. As followers of Christ, there are times when God calls us to tasks that make us uncomfortable. He asks us to take on responsibility that we might not always choose for ourselves. Given this reality, a simple lack of desire or fear of doing something is no sign of God’s leading or will. In fact, it is often just the opposite. So while I understand what these women are trying to say, I also worry that Christian women sometimes hide behind verses like Gen. 2:18-22, using them as an excuse to be a spiritual wallflower when God has called us to be spiritual warriors.

Of course your role in the battle may look slightly different from the woman next to you. One women might fight her spiritual battle by helping to raise godly children, whereas another women may raise up godly women in her church, and the next might help to foster racial reconciliation in her community. Regardless of your position in the army, the call is the same: Each marriage should be actively working to build up the Kingdom of God. Being a “helper” in this cause does not mean we are without responsibility or that God expects less of us. He expects quite a lot. So I challenge you to consider what battle God has called you and your husband (if you’re married) to fight, and then honestly examine how well you are fighting it. Do you use verses like Gen. 2:18-22 to hide from the grit of following Jesus, or do you hear it as a call to arms?

As most of you know by now, I moved to the Chicago area last month to pursue a PhD in Educational Studies with a focus on Women’s Ministry. The field of Educational Studies is wonderfully relevant for ministers–it examines the many factors that shape how we think and live, not just in the classroom but in churches, politics, media, etc. Throughout our entire lives we are in the process of learning and growing, and what I want to study in my particular degree is what that means for women. How are women being shaped by the influences around them? How do women learn, and is it different from men? And what does that mean for how the church disciples them?

As I study this topic over the next 3 to 4 years, I hope to share with you some of what I learn. It’s important to me that I keep my philosophical studies grounded in real life, so I’m aiming to use my blog as a means to that end. With that in mind, this post serves as the first installment of this new phase in my writing!

So here goes…

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

- Proverbs 16:25

Today I was reading a secular book that examines the dominant worldviews of our culture, and how we are shaped by them in some unexpectedly negative ways. In particular, the book examined what it means to live in a capitalist society and how that affects the way we see the world. What struck me about this topic is that some philosophers have made a surprising connection between our capitalist economy and the state of marriage today.

(If you just zoned out at the sight of the word “capitalism,” stick with me! Whether you’re an econ buff or not–I most definitely am NOT–your daily life and the way you see the world is profoundly affected by what I’m about to stay, so hang with me a bit longer!)

Most conservative Christians offer total endorsements of capitalism and the virtues of having a free market that encourages excellence through competition. While I am not trying to have an argument here about the pros and cons of capitalism, this wholesale embrace of the capitalist way of life has had some unintended consequences. Specifically, it has infiltrated our worldviews and shaped the way we approach life in a more general sense. Consider these excerpts from two different philosophers on the relationship between capitalism and marriage/intimacy:

“Under the exchange economy, we view a loving relationship as ‘a mutually favorable exchange,’ with love as something existing outside our core, a commodity we trade with others for a fair return. Love under capitalism is governed by the ethic of fairness, ‘the particular ethical contribution of capitalist society.’ Where love is concerned, ”I give you as much as you give me’ is the prevalent ethical norm in capitalist society.’” (Excerpts from Erich Fromm in Brookfield, p. 178)

“We treat relationships as profit-making activities to which we can apply a cost-benefit analysis of emotional dividends that accrue to us. In this way of thinking, a relationship is successful if its participants enjoy a good rate of return on their emotional investment in the form of ego aggrandizement, sexual favors, or receipt of unconditional positive regard.” (Stephen Brookfield, The Power of Critical Theory, 2004, p. 257)

As a result of this mindset, our marriages and our capacity for intimacy suffer:

“The most personal relationships are subject to this drive for exchange…This is true even when talking of those who claim to be in love. In Fromm’s view people ‘fall in love when they feel they have found the best object available on the market, considering the limitations of their own exchange value.’ When love is conceived of as an exchange, then true intimacy–’union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity’–is impossible.” (Brookfield, p. 162-163)

Sound too harsh? Sound too cold and analytical to be a realistic description of human beings? While most people probably don’t make a formal cost-benefit analysis chart of a relationship before deciding to marry or divorce, the basic mindset is all there. I see it quite clearly in my own life! For instance, I sometimes find myself tabulating how much my husband has done for me and then measuring it against what I’ve done for him. If I perceive a discrepancy, I suddenly feel disappointed and dissatisfied with the relationship, entitled to more than I’ve been given. And of course this language is all of the place in divorce proceedings: “He just wasn’t making me happy anymore,” or “It was too hard. It wasn’t worth what I was putting into it.”

I see this mindset in other areas of my life as well, such as friendships. Have you ever contemplated spending time with someone based upon whether it’s worth the effort? Perhaps you decided whether to pursue a friendship based on how much they entertain you or make you laugh? That is a carry-over from living in a thoroughly capitalist society, and while that type of thinking may be appropriate on Wall Street, it is unfitting for the Body of Christ, and certainly our marriages.

All of that to say, I am not intending to launch an all-out attack on capitalism, but this is a very stern caution for sure. There are a number of Christians who have, in so many words, described capitalism as “God’s best:” If God were to design an economy, this is what He would lay out! When we begin using that kind of language we have strayed into VERY dangerous territory. Any time we equate a secular institution or construction with the Gospel, our doctrine will start to slip and our lifestyles will soon follow. We will no longer be oriented by Gospel-centered principles but will instead be compromised by competing allegiances.

What is the take-away lesson here?

It’s about guarding yourself against worldviews that compete for the Gospel’s primacy in your life. Our marriages aren’t falling apart simply because of the hyper-sexuality we see on t.v. or the moral pluralism that has infiltrated our culture. Those factors are devastating to marriage, to be sure. But we must also consider that Christians have whole-heartedly embraced a system that examines everything according to how it profits us, a mindset that can quickly sabotage a marriage. Such a wholesale endorsement of any belief-system other than the Gospel is bound to give us far more than we ever bargained for.

This weekend Ike and I attended three (count em, THREE) different churches! It was crazy! We’re trying to check out as many churches as possible so that we can choose one and settle down quickly. It was pretty insane, but it was also really good. Every church we visited was really terrific! We met a lot of wonderful people and there’s a part of me that hates that we can’t go to all of their churches. It’ll be sad to turn some down. Gosh, it’s kind of like we’re on “The Bachelor” for churches!

One particular church that stood out to me was a campus of Willow Creek called North Shore. The worship was great and the sermon was incredible, but that’s not what I’ll remember most. As a part of their time for announcements, they had a Q&A time with a staff person from Shared Hope International who talked about fighting the practice of human trafficking. As their website explains, Shared Hope “exists to rescue and restore women and children in crisis. We are leaders in a worldwide effort to prevent and eradicate sex trafficking and slavery through education and public awareness.”

I don’t know about you, but it’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve been made aware of this problem. Before then, I assumed slavery was a relic of the past, an ugly artifact of our nation’s history. I didn’t think it was around anymore. And I especially didn’t think it existed here in the U.S. This morning I learned that between 100,000 and 300,000 American children are currently enslaved in the human trafficking industry. This statistic does not, by the way, account for all the children shipped into the U.S. from abroad. I also learned that 1 in 5 pornographic images are of minors. The industry is obviously alive and well in the States!

After being bowled over by these stats, I went home and did a little more research. According to the Polaris Project,

• It is estimated that there are around 27 million individuals currently enslaved by the human trafficking industry worldwide.
• Of those, 1 million children are exploited by this practice each year
• The average age for entering prostitution is 12 to 14

This last statistic is an important one. Our speaker made a point about the importance of our language in speaking about this issue. It is common to see an article that includes a description of a “12 year old prostitute” as if she somehow chose the profession. Clearly, 12 years olds do not choose prostitution–they are forced into it. So rather than hear a similar story and conclude from it, “Oh the kids are just getting wilder and wilder these days!” it’s important to see through that language–the child was probably kidnapped or sold off. Child prostitutes are victims, and our advocacy for them begins with using the appropriate language.

Human trafficking is an insidious sin. It’s hard to understand the mind of a man who would go to such dark and dirty lengths for sex, but it’s very much present in our culture. How, then, are we to respond?

Unfortunately there aren’t that many volunteer options for men. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, men can’t do a whole lot in the way of working with these women. However, they can advocate and raise money for the cause. And more importantly, they can challenge other men to stand up and fight this practice.   The demographic that is fueling this industry is men, so the ultimate solution should begin with men.

For women, it’s a little bit easier to find a way to get involved. I found one website, HumanTrafficking.org that lists various service opportunities and organizations, such as volunteering at a home for rescued girls. I’m looking into volunteering at one here in the Chicago area.

Slavery is literally happening in our backyards. It is right under our noses. We drive the same routes as human traffickers when we go to the beach or drive to another state. With such an evil industry flourishing so close by, it’s hard to sit still and do nothing. I pray God will raise up more and more Christians to fight this war and rescue the innocent victims from it.

The title I initially wanted to give this post was “How to Talk About Sin Without Sounding Totally Self-Deprecating”–but I thought that was a little too long! Either way, this is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. It all started several months ago when my husband and I were sitting in a Starbucks reading. Ike had just started a book called Atheist Delusions by David Bentley Hart (which he recommends, by the way!) when he noticed that the man sitting directly across from us was reading a book call The Atheist Bible. We eventually struck up a conversation and spent the next 2 hours dialoging about religion and atheism.

One of the points of disconnect between us and our conversation partner was our language about sin. As I tried to articulate my broken humanity and my subsequent need for grace, it came off as a mix between excessive self-belittling and false humility. As a law abiding citizen who has spent a lot of my life helping others, the average person might look at my life and stand unconvinced of my “wretched state.” It seems like absurd modesty at best, and sadism at worst.

With that in mind, I’ve been rethinking the way Christians typically explain sin to non-Christians. So often we revert into these formula questions: “Have you ever lied? Have you ever cheated? Well if you commit one sin, even just one, then you’re a sinner!” (So much for any attempt at bridging the gap between Christian lingo and the rest of the world!)  When we start there, we are clearly starting in the wrong place.

Inaccessible Christian jargon aside, sin is so much bigger than whether you lied to your parents when you were a teenager or cheated on a test. It’s even bigger than the “big” sins like murder. At the heart of sin is not what we do, but what we are unable to do. Paul summarized this predicament best in Romans 7:15–”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Sin is about the inability of the will to do what is good, true, holy and pure. Even when we want to do good, even on our best days, our souls are so twisted that we end up doing what we hate.

For instance, as a wife there is nothing I love more than making my husband happy and loving him the way he deserves to be loved. Why is it, then, that I hurt him? Why do I disappoint him or deliberately withhold tenderness and care from him at times? If I love to love him, why do I do the very thing I hate? Why can’t I promise to NEVER hurt him again? Because I can’t. My soul is unable to do so because it is in bondage to a foreign power that I can’t get rid of–sin.

Here’s another way to think about it: Today we tend to think of free will as the ability to choose between right and wrong. However the great theologian St. Augustine defined free will quite differently. He said that free will is the freedom of the will from sin. Without God’s grace, our will is not free, but is instead in bondage. As long as our wills are imprisoned by the power of sin, we will not have the actual capacity to do what we want.

That is the heart of sin–it is a will in bondage. We cannot do what we want to do. Even when we desire to good, we find ways to short-circuit ourselves along the way. So while I cannot expect that this explanation will make sense to every person who hears it–after all, Scripture reminds us that God’s wisdom is foolishness to the world (1 Cor. 1:18)–I find this to be a better approach than the usual tabulating of sins. This method comes off sounding legalistic and it doesn’t really get to the root of the matter, which is that your will is fundamentally turned away from God. Even if you did all the good deeds in the world, without God’s grace you would still reject Him. THAT, not staying up past curfew or fudging your taxes, is the real problem.

Last week author Anne Rice, who famously penned numerous vampire novels such as Interview with the Vampire, and later wrote about the life of Christ after her conversion, announced she is leaving Christianity. Yet this announcement was not what I initially anticipated. She is leaving Christianity, but she is not leaving Christ. She wishes to continue in her discipleship to Jesus but will disassociate herself from his other followers, who she considers to be “anti-feminist,” “anti-gay,” and “anti-Democrat,” among others things.

As a Christian who does not define myself according to any one of those categories, I couldn’t help but feel I had been unfairly stereotyped. She painted Christians in rather broad strokes, to say the least. However the reason I’m writing about this today is that Rice has voiced a very common concern that most Christians, at some time or another, wrestle with themselves: Disillusionment with the church.

Personally, I struggle with this temptation frequently. It is difficult to see Christians espousing hate in the media and not cringe at your perceived association with them. It is also very hard to witness seeming hypocrisies within your own church, and to remain there with a clear conscience. The church can be the source of very real injury, and that is why many people succumb to bitterness or disgust, and leave.

With that in mind, let me tell you why I haven’t left. And to do this I’m going to direct you to someone far more articulate than myself: C.S. Lewis. In his novel The Screwtape Letters, Lewis composes a series of letters in which one demon (Screwtape) is coaching another demon (Wormwood) in the art of ensnaring humans. In the following passage,  Screwtape explains the best way to short-circuit a Christian’s involvement in the church community by manipulating his perception of the Christians around him:

“If the [Christian] knows that the woman with the absurd hat is a fanatical bridge-player or the man with squeaky boots a miser and an extortioner–then your task is so much the easier. All you then have to do is to keep out of his mind the question ‘If I, being what I am, can consider that I am in some sense a Christian, why should the different vices of those people in the next pew prove that their religion is mere hypocrisy and convention?’ You may ask whether it is possible to keep such an obvious thought from occurring even to a human mind. It is, Wormwood, it is! Handle him properly and it simple won’t come into his head. He has not been anything like long enough with the Enemy to have any real humility yet. What he says, even on his knees, about his own sinfulness is all parrot talk. At bottom, he still believe he has run up a very favourable credit-balance in the Enemy’s ledger by allowing himself to be converted, and thinks that he is showing great humility and condescension in going to church with these ‘smug,’ commonplace neighbours at all. Keep him in that state of mind as long as you can.”

So often we forget that the church is for sinners. We are a part of the Christian community because we are broken people seeking redemption. Given this fact, the shock and dismay we experience upon an encounter with actual sin is like a member of Alcoholics Anonymous being scandalized by the discovery that there are alcoholics there! On the contrary, we should expect to find sinners within the Christian community. That does not mean we approve of the sin or say nothing when Christians perpetuate injustice, but the presence of sin within the Body of Christ should not shock us, nor should we see that sin as somehow outside of ourselves. Jesus had a habit of associating with tax collectors and prostitutes, and his character has not changed. I simply forget that I am a part of that crowd.

That is why I have not, nor will I ever, leave the church. Yes, the church is full of ugly, shameful sinners, but Christ wouldn’t have been crucified on a cross if our condition had been otherwise. As long as I live I will seek to be a Christian who is holy as God is holy (1 Peter 1:16) and is known by my love (John 13:35); and as long as I live on earth I will fall short of that goal. That is why I am thankful that the church is a redemptive refuge for sinners–otherwise I would have nowhere else to go.

In the last couple of weeks I have encountered two different Christian arguments against interracial marriage that have left me feeling extremely unsettled. One was a random website that I happened upon by accident, but the other was a story on national radio about a black man who wasn’t allowed to date a white woman because her father, a pastor, said the Bible forbade it. It may have been a coincidence that these two encounters happened within such a short period of time, but as a Christian with a voice I cannot stand by and say nothing. This isn’t simply about racism but the character of God and the nature of His Gospel. That said, in the event that you ever come across one of these bunk arguments yourself, here is a brief look at what the Bible REALLY says about this issue.

Objection #1: God Wants to Keep the Race Pure

One of the arguments against interracial marriage is based upon verses such as Deut. 7:1-4 or Genesis 28:1–”So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed him and commanded him: “Do not marry a Canaanite woman.” Throughout the history of the church, Canaanites have been commonly associated with people of African descent, thus fueling the interpretations leveled against interracial marriage. I’ll explain more about this in my next point, but for this point’s purposes it is true that throughout the Old Testament, God’s people are not only warned against marrying Canaanites, but they are cautioned against marrying anyone outside the group.

Why? Is God trying to keep the race pure?

That is what some errant interpreters would have you think, but that is not the reason. The reason God warns against marrying Canaanites, or anyone people group that does not follow God, is that it always leads to idolatry. Inter-religious marriages always led to the diluting of the faith. Marriage meant religious compromise, and this happened all the time in the Old Testament. Whenever an Israelite king married outside the faith, his reign was inevitably marked by idol worship. Where your heart is, so your lifestyle will follow, and that was the spirit behind these commands. God wasn’t worried about racial purity but spiritual purity. Nowhere is this stated more clearly than 1 Kings 11:1-2:

King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites.  They were from nations about which the LORD had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.”

Unfortunately, Solomon did not heed this command, as we learn in the verses that follow:

Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molech the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the LORD; he did not follow the LORD completely, as David his father had done. (v. 2-6)

What does this mean today? It means that while many today are still concerned with outward appearance, “the LORD looks at the heart,” (1 Sam. 16:7) and so should we. God’s heart has always been for the nations, not just one particular race (Isa. 51:4), and His desire is that all nations know Him and love Him. So when it comes to marriage, the color of a person’s skin makes no difference at all–it is whether they love the Lord that counts.

Objection #2: The Curse of Ham

This brings us back to what I mentioned above concerning the Canaanites. One of the chief misinterpretations driving slavery and racism throughout the history of the church has been the story of Noah’s son, Ham. In Genesis 9, Noah and his family had survived the flood and all seemed to be well and good. Unfortunately, there was a strange incident involving Noah and Ham in which Noah got drunk on wine and passed out naked in his tent. Later that day, Ham wandered into the tent, saw his father’s nakedness, and went to tell his brothers. In response, the brothers found a garment to cover Noah, and then walked in backwards so as not to see him. Once Noah came to and realized what had happened, he cursed Ham and his son, Canaan, for his dishonorable actions.

There has been a lot of debate about why Noah’s response was so severe. It is not altogether clear what is meant by the phrase “saw his father’s nakedness,” and some have speculated that it may refer to a type of unspecified sexual offense. But whatever happened that day, Ham and his descendants would forever be adversaries of God’s people, and this curse has been used to justify a great deal of evil against the supposed descendants of Ham.

What does any of this have to do with interracial marriage? There are some who cite the curse on Ham as evidence that God opposes interracial marriage. Where does this conclusion come from? As far as I’m concerned, thin air. I’ve honestly struggled to understand where on earth this interpretation comes from because it is beyond clear that the curse was related to Ham’s transgression against Noah, and had nothing to do with his race or who he married. What’s more, Noah also cursed Canaan, but  it was Ham’s son, Cush, who settled in Africa, not Canaan. And finally, neither Noah, nor his sons, were even white! They all lived in the Middle East and probably looked more like Iraqis than Americans. There is not a shred of evidence in this story that God opposed interracial marriage. It may somehow be rooted in the racist belief that white people should not marry the descendants of Ham because of the curse, but the logic would have to be so convoluted as to reveal a clear agenda at work.

In summary, there is absolutely no grounding whatsoever in the Bible to oppose interracial marriage. Those who twist the Bible to interpret it that way are simply perverting Scripture to fit their pre-existing racist beliefs. As far as God is concerned, there are only two types of people–those who love God, and those who don’t. Skin color is irrelevant, and to place such an emphasis on race is to overshadow God’s plan of salvation for the world.

Indeed, it is very difficult to hear people take Scripture and abuse it for such evil agendas, but before we look down on these people in judgment, it’s important to remember that that is why Jesus had to die. We live in a world so hopelessly broken that even Christ’s message of love, peace, and redemption can be skewed to promote hate. When we hear the Bible hijacked in the name of evil, we must certainly speak up, but let us also be reminded that that is the exact reason we all need a Savior.