Theology for Women

This past week the Wall Street Journal featured an article about the state of female culture in America. While women may moan and groan about how poorly their male counterparts treat them, this article noted that women treat one another just as badly.

Now that is a topic that I have touched on numerous times here on my blog, but the article pointed out a refreshing exception to the trend. While college campuses are full of women who back-bite and slander one another, Christian campuses are remarkably different. In the author’s experience, it’s conservatives, not feminists, who seem to have a healthier view of womanhood when it comes to the daily treatment of fellow females. We respect one another better on a basic, practical level.

Even though the article doesn’t present any hard data to back this claim,  it serves as a fantastic reminder that when we gossip about one another, slander girls of whom we are jealous, and date one another’s boyfriends, then we put our witness on the line.

As Scripture reminds us, Christians are to be known by our love. And while I am pleased by this article’s portrayal of Christian women, it’s also a bit on the idealistic side–Christian women can be rather catty too. That said, the next time you’re tempted to spew a verbal assault on another girl, remember that people are watching you. We should be a breath of fresh air and a safe haven in the dog-eat-dog world that is American womanhood.

Be sure to check out the article here. It will give you a great taste of what NOT to do!

I don’t know about you, but if I were to make a list of all the things I’d like to do on the weekends or on vacation, you wouldn’t find “going to the library” near the top. It would instead appear towards the bottom, just above getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist or catching up on my vaccinations.

It’s not that I dislike reading, but if I’m on vacation visiting a new city, that is not the place I’m gonna go first. There are more than enough smelly used books in Durham for that.

But this weekend I went to the most awesome library EVER–the Billy Graham Library. It’s located in Charlotte and I was able to go during the conference this weekend. And while I know it sounds like the most boring, nerdy Christian field trip ever, trust me–it wasn’t.

(Ok, maybe it was a little nerdy Christian, but it was NOT boring!)

Let me give you a little taste…

The beginning of the tour is unabashedly cheesy. It begins with a talking, animatronic cow named Bessie who talks about how Billy Graham grew up on a farm and how much all the cows loved him. She also mentions that cows can praise God too. Good to know.

At this point in the tour, I was a little skeptical–I wondered if I’d wandered into a version of Disney World in which Mickey had been replaced by Billy. But I think that segment was meant to appeal to the kids because the rest of the tour was INCREDIBLE.

I won’t spoil it for you in case you visit, but let just say that I pretty much cried my entire way through the museum. There were videos and displays and testimonies about Billy Graham’s ministry, and it was extremely moving. By the time I came out of it, I sat in a corner and cried my eyes out until a sweet little old man brought me a tissue. It was awesome.

The reason the experience touched me so powerfully is that it confirmed a message that God has been laying on my heart as of late. But let me give you some background…

Recently I’ve felt like I’ve gotten really caught up in the machine of ministry–all I think about is how to market the ministry and how to make people like the ministry once they come and how to grow the ministry and on and on and on. I’m thinking about my ministry all the time, and I feel an invisible pressure to succeed weighing down on me.

But in the last week, I’ve come to realize something–all of those commitments and strategies have ended up eclipsing Christ. It’s not that he’s absent from my ministry, but he has very slowly lost his centrality. I’ve been so focused on doing doing doing that I’ve forgotten just how simple my job is–to point to Christ.

In 1 Corinthians, Paul says that he’s resolved to know nothing except Christ and him crucified. He makes this statement in contrast with the idea that we must puff ourselves up intellectually and theologically. According to Paul, those things only distract, and they certainly don’t make a ministry succeed. The key is to have Christ at the center.

And while I know that this isn’t new information for most of us, my question for you is this: How often do you actually put this concept into practice. When a problem presents itself, what is your very first go-to? When you counsel a friend, do you try to give them wise sounding answers, or do you point them to Christ? If you’re a minister, do you get caught up in all the plans and strategies for making the ministry succeed, or do you simply focus on pointing people to Christ?

The difference, I believe, is whether or not we see Christ, or ourselves, as the answer to the world’s problems. When someone comes to us for help, or if we face an obstacle in our lives, our first instinct is to rely on our own strength, our own wisdom, education, training an knowledge, rather than Christ.

But this idea of always pointing people back to Christ, calling him out by name and immediately pointing people back to him in the midst of our needs–this idea is quite liberating. It takes an ENORMOUS load off of our shoulders because that is one task that I know I can accomplish. I may not preach with eloquence, and my ideas might be lame, but I can certainly tell people about Jesus.

And that’s what Billy Graham’s ministry was all about. Every sermon he gave focused on the person of Christ and making him known. That is one of the reasons his ministry has thrived–he always placed the Gospel front and center of the presentation.

So I’ve decided to carry on that legacy, a legacy that was begun for us by Paul, and has the power to change the world. My education and training is all fine and good, but I want my life’s work to be driven by a resolve to know nothing except Christ, and him crucified. Given that God became man and died on a cross for the forgiveness of our sins, I think I’ll do well if I just stick out my finger and point back to that.

And for those of you who were wondering, the conference went GREAT! Thanks for your prayers!

So apparently a lot of you really like Head-Cold Sharon. I don’t know what that says about my regular personality, but I’ll try and bring her back real soon–maybe I’ll take a swig of Nyquil or something.

But now that I’m all healed up, I’m headed down to Charlotte to speak at another conference this weekend. It’s the North Carolina Baptist Campus Ministry Fall Convention, and I’m teaching on a similar topic to last weekend’s conference. The title for my session is “Unconventional Womanhood: Being a Christian Woman in a Secular World.”

As I’ve been reflecting on this topic, I’ve been struck by the varying ways in which culture has shaped our understanding of godly womanhood. Most Christians would agree that culture has negatively influenced our concept of femininity in some way or another, but exactly how those influences have manifested themselves is up for debate.

You see, your answer to this question will largely depend on what perspective you’re coming from. Most of us would agree that trends such as the growing immodesty among Christian women are a negative impact from our society. But there is a point at which Christians are utterly divided. Here’s what I mean–

(And keep in mind that these are stereotypes. Not all people will fit these exact molds)

The conservative perspective tends to argue that the culture’s influence is most pronounced in Christian women who are hyper-feminists. From this angle, Christians are seen as having abandoned Scriptural teachings in favor of societal trends, ignoring God’s intention for distinct gender roles in favor of female agendas.

The liberal perspective frequently contends that oppressive cultural influences arise when women are primarily limited to the home. From this angle, Christians are portrayed as chauvinists who twist Scripture to debase women.

What is ironic about these two perspectives is that they have completely opposite understandings of the culture. One view sees the culture as being relativistic–anything goes, including all gender distinctions. The other view understands the culture as being too absolutist on the point of gender roles. From this perspective, women have been subjugated by their cultures for far too long, and Scripture should be read as speaking prophetically into that oppression.

So which one is it? Is our culture relativistic, or absolutist?

The answer is both. There are people in our culture who are extreme relativists, and that mindset has influenced numerous denominations. But there are also segments of our culture who are extreme absolutists, and they have influenced countless denominations as well.

And given this reality, it is imperative that we listen to BOTH perspectives. In Scripture we find a surprising tension between an emphasis on distinct gender roles, and female empowerment (which, at the time, was quite revolutionary). That said, we need to adopt a worldview that embraces both ends of the spectrum. Otherwise, we run the risk of excluding parts of Scripture.

Practically speaking, what does this look like? Liberals can embrace the very real language of gender distinction that we find in Scripture, a language that not only lends richness to our understanding of male and female relationships, but also adds depth to our understanding of the Trinity. Similarly, conservatives can embrace the female empowerment that very much exists in Scripture, pushing women to be leaders, to arm themselves with knowledge, to do so in ways that is not necessarily limited to the home and family.

As differing members of the Body of Christ, it is vital that we listen to a wide array of voices. None of us is immune to the influence of culture, so we need the perspectives of those outside our circle to give us clarity. That doesn’t mean you have to agree on EVERYTHING, but if you can’t find a single thing to learn from one another then you probably don’t have a correct understanding of the Church.

Godly womanhood is a complex thing, but the more we seek to understand it and listen to the perspectives of others, the more we will approach a holistic picture of it. The ultimate end, of course, being the glory of God and service to His Kingdom. Women accomplish little if they are not encouraged to cultivate their gifts and join men on the spiritual battlefield. But they will also fail to be effective if they deny their uniquely feminine strengths. So we must seek to find a balance of the two, not for the sake of women, but for the sake of Christ.

Right now I am in the throes of a massive head cold, so I’ve decided to depart from my usual quasi-intellectualism and write about something that’s a little bit more at my current functioning capacity. Bear with me.

(And my apologies to those of you who are offended at the use of the word “poop,” or if you’re like my friend Joe, who is utterly disgusted by girls who make any kind of reference to this bodily function.)

As we all know, most dating relationships go through a series of stages of comfortability. There’s the stage in which you will let your boyfriend see you wearing sweats, when you let him see you without make-up, when you let him kiss you before you’ve brushed your teeth, etc.

But perhaps one of the ultimate relationship benchmarks is the Smelly Bathroom stage. Prior to this stage, you will do whatever it takes to fool your significant other into thinking that you simply do not produce the Big Number 2. You will go across the street, find a bathroom in another part of the building, house, or apartment, or if you don’t have that option, you’ll turn on the bathroom fan and run some water. Or for those of us who are really ashamed, we’ll hold it…much to the dismay of our intestinal tract.

But eventually there comes a point at which you quit putting on the charade, and you just go for it. Sometimes this happens with your foreknowledge, other times you are so desperate that you have no choice and mother nature forces you.

But whatever the circumstances, you reach a point at which you are no longer ashamed in the way you used to be. You have now owned up to the reality that you do in fact poop, and amazingly your boyfriend is still attracted to you, so you have a new level of connectedness and acceptance that you didn’t have before.

What is truly ironic about this whole process is the shame and embarrassment that we associate with this bodily function, even though EVERYBODY does it. Why is it that we feel the need to pretend that we are the only human being in the history of time that doesn’t have to do this? Why aren’t we comfortable with the reality that it’s a normal part of life?

When you get right down to it, everyone poops. And not only that, but everyone’s poop pretty much looks exactly the same (unless you’ve had one of those cheesy burritos from Taco Bell…but let’s not make rules based upon exceptions). We all do it, so what’s the big deal?

Well I got to thinking about this, and I had a striking realization–we engage in the same game of pretend when it comes to sin. Just like the inevitability of an occasional poop, everybody sins. With the exception of Christ, there has never been a single person on earth who has lived a sinless life. Yet we carry on these charades, acting as if we don’t sin, and being ashamed and embarrassed that someone might find us out. In the same way that we’ll run across the street just to find a toilet, we’ll go to extreme measures to hide the sin in our lives, even from the people with whom we are closest.

And this secrecy keeps us in bondage. We are constantly trying to position our lives in such a way that will hide the unattractive parts. But that is no way to live, and it only contributes to a much larger trend in which ALL people think they’re the only ones.

So we need to start being honest about the fact that everyone sins. And just like poop, our sin pretty much looks the same. Scripture tells us that we have not endured any temptation that is uncommon to man (1 Cor. 10:13), so while you may secretly believe that you’re a particularly bad person, God would have to disagree. We are all equally fallen, and all in need of grace, so let’s start talking about it.

Once we create a community in which we can be open about our sin, we might just experience an effect that is similar to the “smelly bathroom” stage of a dating relationship–yes it’s gross, but you are still loved and accepted anyway. That’s a good place to be.

And thus concludes my head-cold inspired writing. I hope you enjoyed it. I will return to my regular standard of thinking and maturity in a few shorts days.

Well I’m back from the Kaleo Conference and it went great! I made some new friends and was greatly encouraged by the other speakers who were there! It was a really wonderful experience and I was blessed to be a part of it.

Perhaps the highlight of the weekend, however, were the shirts we leaders had to wear. Picture this–long-sleeve, button-down collared DENIM! That’s right, denim. I have not worn a denim shirt since I was in 6th grade (when they were cool) so this became a tool for God to humble me over the course of the weekend. Every time I put it on, I felt as though I’d been instantly morphed into a soccer mom from the 90’s. My other option was to tie the shirt-tails around my mid-section and look like a character on Saved By the Bell. Either way, I was not a happy camper–that is until one of the other female speakers totally called me out for being vain. And I was. After all, God can speak through anything–even denim shirts.

But back to the conference itself. As I mentioned, I was speaking about Unique Issues for Women in Ministry. It was a fantastic topic and I really enjoyed exploring it with young ladies discerning a call to ministry. I received a lot of insightful questions and had some challenging conversations.

We covered a lot of material, but the one thing that seemed to resound the most with the women I taught was the idea that women’s ministry is utterly preoccupied with healing. If you walk into a Christian bookstore and go to the women’s section, you will find stacks and stacks of books related to healing–maybe it’s self-esteem, family relationships, sustaining your marriage, being a good mom, feeling ok with being single, and the list goes on.

Similarly, most of the preeminent women’s ministers today will begin their messages by sharing their testimonies of hardship and pain from their pasts. Many of them have suffered greatly due to abuse or neglect, and they are now helping women to crawl out of that pit and live whole lives.

All of which is good.

However, there is a dangerous temptation here–when the focus is on healing, healing can become the ultimate goal. We can slowly and subtly slip into thinking that God is here for us, as opposed to us being here for God. And we can become extremely self-focused.

Granted, this doesn’t happen to all Christian women, but this preoccupation with healing constitutes a large trend in women’s ministry today, and it is part of the reason, I believe, that women are not serving God as effectively as they could be.

In response to this trend, I urged the women to arm themselves with theology. And by that I mean “the study of God,” which is what the word literally means. We need to ingrain our hearts and minds with truth such that we can effectively combat the lies that our emotions feed us about ourselves and the people around us.

And when this happens, when we stop being consumed by our thought lives and by the things that wounded us in the past, we are suddenly set free to serve. Instead of walking into the Christian bookstore and heading directly for the self-help aisle, we are free to study spiritual disciplines and to educate ourselves in ways that will inspire us to action.

What’s more, action distracts us from a preoccupation with ourselves, and is therefore an important part of healing. Rather than mulling over the things that bother us, we fill that mental void with thoughts about Christ and ways to pursue him more passionately.

For all of these reasons, we must not stop at healing. Yes, healing is important, and I am so grateful for the countless female ministers who have helped women throughout the world to overcome their pasts, but healing is not the end. God created us to serve Him, not the other way around, so we must pursue healing only for the sake of freeing ourselves to follow Him more radically. Healing is only a tool we use as we equip ourselves to fight in the spiritual battle that wages around us.

This weekend I’m speaking at the Kaleo Conference at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, and the topic is “Unique Issues for Women in Ministry.” I didn’t actually pick the title, but I think it’s perfect–women face so many challenges in ministry that are unique to our gender! It’s actually been quite overwhelming to think about.

But it should be a great weekend as I meet hundreds of young women who are discerning a call to ministry, and we think through what that call means.

You know, as I have prepared my talk and reflected upon the topic itself, I’ve been struck by how perfectly titled the session is. The idea of women being “unique” is a wonderful compass as women figure out what it means to be leaders.

The reason I love the title so much is that the last several decades have seen a trend in which women have sought to erase their femininity as they have served in leadership roles. They have cut their hair, worn pantsuits, and adapted male styles of leadership in order to fit in.

What is ironic about this approach is that it purports to be furthering the cause of women. They do this for the sake of breaking the glass ceiling. But in reality, they’re doing just the opposite–they are instead erasing as much of their femaleness as possible in order to succeed. That doesn’t exactly sound like a step forward for women. It rather seems to be reinforcing the message that women, acting like women, cannot be effective leaders.

But the other problem with women erasing their femininity is that they deny their female strengths, strengths that complement male strengths, to instead mimic what is already out there. They fail to recognize that their differences could actually be a strength.

With all of that in mind, it is important that women in ministry embrace their uniqueness. It is precisely those differences which also serve as our strengths.

Well I’m off to the conference–say a prayer for me Saturday morning because I’ll be speaking 4 times in the morning, each session lasting one hour in what can only be described as a teaching marathon. Whew! But I’ll tell you more about it when I get back. Have a blessed weekend!!

For a good portion of my dating life, I have largely misunderstood God’s design for men. This misunderstanding resulted from my personal dating experiences, and it developed the following way…

For a long period of time, I never dated a guy who ever seemed that into me. He might have liked me at first, but as the relationship progressed he grew distant, and he eventually detached himself altogether.

What’s more, my exes all moved on very quickly. It didn’t seem like they were heart broken or that I left any sort of void in their lives. They were all just fine without me.

As a result of these experiences, I grew to believe that men are not prone to emotional attachment in the same way that women are. They could be interested in a woman, or even grow to love her, but they could just as easily turn that love off. They were inherently independent beings who could do with or without women.

Granted, I would find exceptions to the rule–in movies I saw men go to great lengths for the women they loved. Poets waxed eloquently about the beautiful features of their beloved’s eyes, lips and neck. I also had male friends who’d had their hearts absolutely broken by a girl. Without their girlfriend, they were emotional wrecks.

So how did I categorize these men who defied my understanding? I decided that they were somehow lesser men. It’s not that being in love is unmanly, but being extravagant about it seemed foreign to the gender. Any guy who would be that gaga about a girl needed to stop himself and start acting like a man. Only girls are supposed to get that swept up in romance and be that emotionally tied to another person.

So that’s how I understood men.

Here’s the problem with that line of thinking–

When your standard of manhood is emotional guardedness, you won’t recognize godly affection when you see it. In fact, you could be turned off by it.

Here’s what I mean–the kind of love and care you should expect from the man you marry is a kind of love that mimics the Father. That love is extravagant, self-sacrificing, and seemingly crazy at times. It is a love that goes to great, even absurd measures for the beloved, all for the sake of lavishing love on another. The cross is, after all, the most extravagant act of love the world has ever seen.

That said, any relationship in which a man is guarding himself or holding back is a relationship that fails to reflect God in a fundamental way. Granted, relationships should be guarded at first, but if you continue to date and that dynamic never changes, then there’s a problem. Such a relationship is more selfish than godly. It falls short of the example set for us in Christ and the Church–it is not a love that lays itself down for the other, but instead puts its own best interest first.

With all of this in mind, we ladies need to correct our vision. We need to look for the guys who embrace godly manhood, not a manhood that values emotional detachment and independence over intimacy.

And don’t be fooled into thinking that a guy is worth working for, simply because he plays hard to get through emotional unavailability. That is not the kind of love displayed for us in Christ, so it is clearly not the kind of love that God desires for you. If you find yourself drawn to that type of man, then you need to reevaluate your standards.

And to all you godly men out there–thank you for being a light in the dating darkness, and for reminding us of the true standard of love. Though we may get confused at times, you serve as a compass pointing us back to God amidst a culture of selfishness. Thank you for persevering–please press on!

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re in college and your boyfriend is rushing a fraternity. You two have been dating for awhile, and you really like him a lot. He’s a total gentleman, you get along great together, and He loves the Lord. He even feels called to the fraternity as his mission field, and hopes to be a light in that particular darkness.

But one day your relationship takes a horrible turn. He calls you over to his fraternity house and makes a shocking proposition. Apparently all his potential frat brothers think you are really hot, and they’ve decided that he can only join the fraternity if you agree to sleep with them. So your boyfriend has now come to you, pleading that you will cooperate. “Please!” he begs. “They won’t let me pledge if you don’t do this! I know this is a lot to ask, but imagine the ministry opportunity!”

Sound crazy? That’s because it is.

Think this could never happen? Think again. This is exactly what Abraham did to Sarah in Genesis 12. The couple was traveling into Egypt, and Abraham feared he would be killed because Sarah was so desirable. So what does he do? He saves his own hide by handing her over to Pharaoh. When he should have been protecting her, he instead gains acceptance at her expense.

This is a story that we are pretty familiar with, but the tragedy of it often escapes us. We tend to blow it off as if the moral standards at that time were a lot more fluid. A man prostituting his wife somehow seemed more normal back then.

But if you can imagine yourself in the horrific circumstances I described above, then you got a taste of what Sarah must have been feeling. She was not only abandoned by the man who was supposed to protect her, but she was put in harm’s way for his own selfish gain. What a lonely place that must have been.

Clearly, this story has implications for our marriages, especially for husbands. But there is a degree to which we women should learn from this story as well. It is a story about putting someone in harm’s way to save yourself, and that is something I do all too often.

For example, I can’t tell you how many mornings I’ve spent a great deal of time picking out my clothes for church. Some mornings I have tried on 4 or 5 different outfits before I found the right one! And during this process, a small voice in the back of my head wondered, “Could your obsession with looking nice be a detriment to the women who look up to you? Are you causing other women to feel a pressure to look cute and perfect and put together, since that is the example you’re setting?”

But in that moment, I prefered to prop up my own self-esteem, so I ignored that voice. And in turn, I probably fed the insecurities of many women around me.

In the world of women, we are often about survival of the fittest. I don’t care who I knock down or how I make other women feel as long as I feel good about myself. And in doing so, we perpetuate an unending cycle of bondage to cultural norms, rather than standing up and being different. We feed into an impossible standard of beauty, instead of sacrificing our need to be the best and the prettiest.

And in this way, we have continued the legacy of Abraham. When we should be looking out for one another and protecting one another from a world that measures our beauty according to waistline, we victimize one another all the more by perpetuating it.

Now all of this is not to say that we should rebel against our culture by wearing burlap sacks and refusing to shower. Heck no! We need to celebrate our beauty, inside and out. But we need to ask ourselves why we do it. Are we the type who will NEVER go outside without make-up, who always tell others about all the time we spend at the gym, and who will only wear clothes from name brand stores? If you answer yes, or even maybe, to any of those questions, then you might just have a problem.

Let us instead put an end to this story. Let us be a Church who thinks first of our sisters, and then of ourselves. Let us consider how our actions affect others, and whether we are victimizing our neighbors, as opposed to protecting them. All of our actions, no matter how seemingly innocent, have implications for the world around us. So when it comes to the Christian life and how we live in relationship to others, we should always ask ourselves–Are we selling out Sarah, or are we saving her?

When I was in Southeast Asia this summer, I had a very unusual experience–I went to see the movie Sex and the City with some Muslim girls from Sudan. It was seriously disorienting as we walked into a movie all about sex, accompanied by girls wearing conservative head coverings. Granted, the country censored all the nudity, sex scenes and kissing out of the film, but it was still pretty racy. I never would have guessed that these girls would be interested in seeing such a movie.

But what was even more surprising is that we all enjoyed it, including myself! Since all the sex had been edited out, I was able to focus more on the plot line which, at its core, is about the unshakable bond between friends.

That story line, about 4 friends who stick together through thick and thin, is a story line that transcends age and culture. That’s why so many women all over the world have identified with the show and its characters. Each woman in the group is different, but each fits in perfectly as she offers her own unique dynamic to the group. And each woman is fully loved by her other friends, in spite of their differences.

In Sex and the City, we see a vision of friendship that allows us to be who we are, and still be loved unconditionally. We also see a vision of friendship that perseveres through adversity, as well as rejoicing in the good times. It is a kind of friendship that most women desire because it provides us with an emotional refuge, and it allows us to be free in who we are. As a result, women watch the show and aspire to have the same kinds of relationships.

There is a similar phenomenon with the show Entourage. Here again, we see a group of guys who live the kind of life most guys only dream about. But what’s even better is that they live this dream life together. Unlike many people, they have not attained success only to find themselves alone at the top. Instead, they remain a solid core through the adventures of life. And like Sex and the City, each guy is different, offering his own unique personality to make the group what it is. Again, each man is free to be himself, and still be accepted.

As a result of shows like these, I’ve noticed men and women will subconsciously (or consciously) imitate the lifestyles of the characters. They mimic their language, their dress, their behaviors, and the way they relate to members of the opposite sex. They are trying to live out the friendships that they’ve seen on t.v. because they look so desirable.

And this is where our sweet tale of friendship goes horribly awry. While both shows display a quality of friendship that we rarely experience today, that tiny bit of truth has blinded countless viewers to an underlying perversion.

The problem with the “friendship” offered us in these shows is that it is ultimately self-destructive. It is a kind of friendship that has no real moral compass because it isn’t founded on anything that is morally tangible. It may appeal to some vague sense of love and commitment or shared experiences, but those elements don’t guard a friendships from selfishness, or guide friendships in the way of integrity.

And that is why the moral values of these shows are so shaky. Throughout the course of the series, the Sex and the City women simply laughed about one another’s crazy antics as several of them had affairs with married men, had affairs themselves, and engaged in other behaviors that would lead to unspeakable pain and heartache in the real world. There was no higher standard by which to measure their actions. The group itself sets the standard.

In the same way, the men in Entourage essentially cheer one another on as they objectify women and treat them like throw away kleenex. It’s all about sexual conquest after sexual conquest. The friends are not cultivating any kind of character in one another. They are instead reinforcing behaviors and mindsets that cultivate selfishness and short-circuit one’s ability to love and commit in a self-sacrificing way.

That is the deceptiveness of shows like these. They offer us a vision of something we desire, and there might even be some truth to it. But ultimately, these friendships are fatally flawed for one reason, and one reason alone: they are not founded on Christ.

Any friendship that is not founded on Christ can wander astray into one of two categories, both of which are demonstrated for us through Sex and the City and Entourage:

1. Friendship founded on idolatry–This is a friendship that is grounded in a mutual interest or shared history, anything other than Christ. It could be anything from the innocent interests of shopping, running, or knitting, or it could even be founded on gossip, partying, or promiscuity. While some of those mutual interests can add depth to a friendship, they cannot replace the importance of placing Christ at the center of your Christian friendships. When Christ is removed, our friendships no longer have an immovable anchor, but are instead founded upon a shakeable moral ground which is largely determined by the subjective opinion of the group.

2. Friendship founded on exclusivity–This model of friendship is not based on who you are, but instead on who you’re not. It tends to take an attitude of “us against the world.” Specifically, women can stereotype and tear down their male counterparts–”we women need to stick together against the men.” Similarly, men can objectify women, seeing them not as equals but as prizes to be competed for. They are not given the same respect and care as members within the group. These friendships also cultivate a false sense of intimacy–you may feel close to the members of the group, but there is nothing substantive that’s really connecting you together. And that spirit of opposition can easily be used to exclude you one day.

HBO is selling a model of friendship that offers us a kernel of truth, and that truth is refreshing in a world where good friendships are hard to find. But we must not allow that grain of truth to blind us to the lies hidden within. True, edifying, Christian friendship should be centered on Christ alone–any other model only feeds our destructive tendencies. Remember that the next time you watch these shows, as well as something as benign as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Ask what these shows are selling, and whether or not you’ve bought the lie. When you look at the friendships in your life, what model do you see?

God’s timing is killing me right now. Killing me!

Here’s the deal–for the last several months I’ve been planning a retreat to the beach for all my college students. I picked the location very intentionally, and the whole weekend was designed to be the ideal kickoff for the year. We were supposed to go this weekend.

Unfortunately, tropical storm Hanna had similar plans. Like me, she decided that the North Carolina coast was the perfect spot to spend her weekend. But there isn’t enough room for both of us so I got the boot. Now I’m scrambling for Plan B.

It’s because of stuff like this that I can really hate leading a ministry. There is a LOT of pressure. All the responsibility eventually rests on your shoulders, and if things get screwed up or fail, it’s all your fault. At times, the intensity of the burden feels nearly suffocating.

But the interesting thing is that in those times when I feel most anxious, most fearful, and most prone to quit, I feel closest to God, like I am in the center of His will. It is in those times that I am most compelled to rely on Him.

In those moments, my limitations become undeniably obvious, and I am forced to turn to the One who has no limitations at all. When I realize my inadequacies, I can surrender the situation into the Hands of Him who works mightily through all things.

So while my immediate response to adversity is to retreat, such experiences have taught me to do just the opposite. We should always do MORE than we are initially inclined to take on. By that I don’t mean that we should fill our schedules with an endless number of things that spread us so thin that we can’t do anything well.

When I challenge you to do “more,” I mean “more” in a qualitative, not quantitative, sense. Take on the impossible! Challenge yourself with tasks that are only attainable with the power of God at work. Otherwise, when you cower in the face of such opportunities, you sentence yourself to a mundane life of spiritual mediocrity.

But God has not called us to mediocrity. He’s called us to be dreamers of big dreams, to aim for more than we could have ever imagined, and to believe that God will always exceed our expectations. But in order to do this, we must leave our meager, human-sized goals behind, and instead strive for something more.

What are you working toward? Even if you’re in full-time ministry, it’s still easy to scale down your possibilities to fit within the boundaries of human limitation. But fight that temptation. No matter where you are, do more. Always do more. It can be unbelievably hard at times, but it’s also the most exhilarating and satisfying place to be. Nothing compares with knowing that the Holy Spirit is working through you, thanks to no ability of your own. That, I think, is a real encounter with God.