This past week I’ve been listening to an excellent sermon series by Andy Stanley of North Point Community Church in Atlanta. The series is entitled “It’s Personal,” and in it he makes the case for why people should become Christians. In typical Andy Stanley fashion, he approaches the topic from a completely fresh perspective, and I want to share one particularly challenging illustration with you here.

Stanley began by explaining that if you ask an adult why they’re not a Christian, they’ll give you a lot of reasons, some being philosophical and others being more experiential. Generally the reasons are good ones that we should take seriously, but here’s the catch–If you can explain away all your friend’s obstacles to Christianity, they still won’t become a Christian. Or at the very least, it’s unlikely.

In his experience, Stanley found that most adults don’t become Christians by working through their objections. As long as Christianity remains an intellectual category, it will never be compelling enough to surrender their lives to.

To explain what he meant, Stanley used the illustration of marriage. Consider a single man who has a bunch of reasons for not getting married: It’s too expensive, it’s not a good time, what about all the other women he’ll miss out on dating, and look at how bad other marriages are today–why would he want that?

Then one day, this single man who is set in his single ways meets the woman of his dreams, and wouldn’t you know it? He wants to marry her! What happened to all of those obstacles? Does he suddenly have more money than before? No. Is he afraid of missing out on other women? Maybe a little, but not enough to let this one go. What about the other bad marriages he’s seen? He’s determined to make this work–it’s WORTH IT.

You see, it’s not that he worked through the obstacles. They simply became less important in the face of this new relationship. That doesn’t mean that the objections were not important ones and that they no longer matter. The single man who decides to get married must still be financially responsible, and he should still guard against the pitfalls that have ruined marriages around him. But those roadblocks have only become important considerations, not large enough to prevent him from moving forward.

And that’s how it is with God. Adults who become Christians don’t necessarily work through all of their objections–they simply meet Jesus, and suddenly their objections become less important. And like the single man who decides to marry, adult Christians don’t ignore the objections that plagued them for so long. They carry their doubts and concerns into their Christian faith, but the objections are no longer spiritual roadblocks. They are simply important considerations to be worked out in relationship with God.

What does all this mean for Christians? For me, this was very convicting. When someone objects to the Christian faith it is easy to go into debate mode and cast gentleness to the wind. I don’t bother being spiritually consistent as long as I’m right. While it’s not wrong to discuss a person’s objections to Christianity (Paul did this all the time in Scripture) Stanley’s words remind us that what is MOST important is that your discussion partner is encountering Christ along the way. You may be offering an air-tight argument, but if you’re a jerk about it then you’re missing the point. Non-Christians need to encounter Christ in us. Ultimately, that is what changes people.

If Christianity is about a personal God, then we shouldn’t get angry or confused when non-Christians stand unconvinced by our arguments. They simply haven’t met Jesus yet. By the way we love them, let’s make sure that they do.

There is a Psalm that captures my imagination every time I read it. It’s Psalm 115, and in verses 4-8 we read about the consequences of looking to idols instead of God:

“Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands.
They have mouths, but do not speak;
eyes but do not see.
They have ears but do not hear;
noses but do not smell.
They have hands but do not feel;
feet but do not walk;
and they do not make a sound in their throat.
Those who make them become like them;
so do all who trust in them.”

“Those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them.” Those are powerful, haunting words. Ever since I read them I have been praying for insight into their meaning for my own life, and I want to share it with you now.

Since reading these words, God has identified 2 key idols in my life (though they are countless more) that have shaped my identity as a result of “putting my trust in them.” The first is the way I look. Last night my husband and I talked about walking the line between looking good for him versus looking good for sinful reasons. Because it’s important for me to take care of myself and look good for my husband, I often allow this pure motive to disguise my impure motives. My more superficial or insecure motives slip in the back door under the excuse of pleasing my husband. But in reality, there is an idol there.

As I reflected on what the above Scripture means for my soul in this regard, I realized that when I make material things into an idol, I “become just like them.” That is to say, all glamour but no substance. The things I wear look pretty, but at the end of the day they’re just cotton, plastic or glass. What I wear may look pretty but only for a moment. That with which I adorn my body is only passing away because it’s not made of anything that lasts. It’s cheap and poorly made.

According to the above Scripture, I am becoming just like the adornments I just described. The more I put my trust in how I look, the more my identity will become like them. I will become superficial. My soul will abide in things that do not last. I may look glamorous, but the substance of my soul is cheap.

The second idol that God identified to me is my husband and my marriage. I had to think a little bit harder about what it means to “become like them” in regard to my husband. While it is certainly true that the two of us can become like one another in negative ways, pulling one another down instead of building one another up, I think the better interpretation here is that my identity becomes too intertwined with his. It’s not that I am literally turning into my husband, but that I cannot distinguish my own identity apart from him.

This becomes most noticeable when he hurts my feelings or disappoints me. It can be devastating, and because my identity is tied to his in an idolatrous way, I am wrecked by it. I have no resource for stepping outside of the situation and speaking, hearing, seeing and feeling like Christ because I am more tied to my husband than I am to Him. So while it is true that a husband and wife are to become one, that unity is to be sustained by Christ, not apart from him. From this perspective, there have been times when our union has gone rogue.

Those are just two of the countless other idols with which our identities get entwined. Our children, our careers, getting attention from the opposite sex, our abilities, the size and beauty of our house and even our hobbies can become idols that shape who we are instead of being shaped by Christ. So I challenge you to examine your own life in light of the above passage. What are your idols, and how are you becoming like them? This Scripture is a helpful reminder that worship is not simply a matter of God wanting out attention, but because what we worship determines our identities and He designed us to be like Him, not our impotent idols.

This past semester I had the privilege of co-teaching a women’s Bible study with someone whose teaching style is very different from mine. Whereas my style is more systematic, going through each passage verse by verse, hers was more organic, weaving Scripture into stories and personal testimonies from her own life. As Providence would have it, the combination of our styles was a real gift to the group. At the end of the semester we received feedback from the group about what they learned over the semester, and while some latched on to my style, others were very moved by hers.

The fact that both of our teaching styles, as different as they were, resounded with different women, is a picture of where women’s ministry is today. There has been a movement among younger women to reject the women’s ministries of the past, but that is not, I believe, the wisest idea. Nor is it the answer to the problem. Yes, we should abandon any women’s ministry that is inherently superficial in content or emotionally driven, but we should not mistake form for content–ministry strategy v. ministry substance.

We need to think about women’s ministry the way church planters think about planting churches. When it comes to outreach, it’s not always a matter of where you want people to be, or even where they should be–outreach is about meeting each demographic where they’re at. If you’re reaching out to 20 something college women in New York City, then inviting them to a tea party may not be the best plan. But if you’re doing women’s ministry at an aging church in a small town in Georgia, it’s not such a bad idea. Remember, the idea is to host events that would be appealing to non-Christian women, events that women can invite their friends to. But the event itself should not be confused with the substance of the ministry. Women’s ministries, no matter the form, should be founded on strong Scriptural and theological content.

Which brings me to my second concern about the rising dissatisfaction in women’s ministries. While a women’s ministry should certainly be founded on solid, doctrinal principles, our theology should include a robust understanding Christian fellowship. This is one thing that women’s ministries tend to do very well because women are, generally speaking, very relational creatures. That is also why so many women love to hear other women share their testimonies and their triumphs over hardship–we encourage and empower one another to persevere. This is a truly important aspect of women’s ministry, which is why I caution against a total rejection of emotionalism in favor of intellectualism. In a culture that has profoundly wounded women, we must tend to their hearts, and a solely intellectual ministry will fail to do so. You may not be walking through a season of life when a more emotional style of teaching or setting is appealing to you, but trust me, other women are.

All of that to say, if our women’s ministries are to reflect the diversity of Christ’s Body, we must stop blanket condemnations of women’s ministers whose styles we simply do not like. Beth Moore, and women like her, have taken the brunt of this in recent years. They have a flourishing ministry all over the world and their content is extremely Biblical, so we should be THANKING GOD for this strong arm of the church! Unfortunately, this brand of women’s ministry has undeservedly become the scapegoat for a lot of women’s frustrations that there are so few options for us. The answer is not, however, to do away with them (and subsequently all the work God is doing through them). The answer is to add to them. Women come in all different shapes and sizes, which means women’s ministries should as well. Wherever you are, figure out what women in your community are looking for. More than anything else, they need the Gospel, but it’s your job to figure out the best way to present it to them.

About a year ago I wrote a blog entitled “Should Women Be Deacons?” in which I highlighted Tim Keller’s endorsement of women holding the office of deacon. This week I ran across a second endorsement by Wendy Alsup that I wanted to repost here.

In particular, I appreciate Wendy’s warning against saying “no” to that which God has said “yes.” We often find ourselves fearing the opposite–saying “yes” to that which God has said “no”–but they are opposite yet equal errors. The goal of the church is to conform to God’s will in all things, which is why I am continuing to encourage conversation on this topic.

Wendy’s argument is as follows:

1. It’s Biblical.
2. It’s consistent with historical church practice.

I’ll end this post with an encouragement. What if this is your conviction, but you are not under church leadership that feels the same? A wise female deacon at my own church told me of her experience advocating strongly for this at another church she attended years ago. At some point, she came to see that her efforts had gone from being positively advocating for a good thing to being negatively divisive. If you love and trust your church leadership, certainly there shouldn’t be a problem discussing this, even advocating for it with the appropriate people. But unity in the church is a precious thing. I encourage you to guard yourself diligently from crossing the line between encouraging toward a more Biblical view of women deacons to undermining leadership and fostering disunity. Be diligent to preserve unity. Make every effort to preserve unity. For we are all One Body.

Wendy’s final point cannot be understated. This is not an issue worth dividing over. But if we care about Scripture, God’s will, and ecclesial integrity, then we should care about this issue and discuss it further, in love, humility and grace. I hope you will.

Recently I’ve been doing some investigative research into the male mind. What I’ve learned has important implications for my single readers, but it impacts married people as well. It all began a few months ago when I saw a movie with my husband in which a number of married men were discussing whether the “highlight reel” constituted cheating. I honestly wasn’t sure what they were talking about, so I brushed it off and never thought about it again.

Until last week. I was sitting in a waiting room so I picked up a magazine and began thumbing through it. I stumbled upon an article that was written by a man, explaining to women the phenomenon of the “highlight reel.” He referenced the movie that I’d seen several months prior, and he explained it like this:

The highlight reel is a series of visual memories of past intimate encounters with other women. Unfortunately, the highlight reel is most frequently used to stimulate a man when he is being intimate with his wife (or committed partner). In fact, the writer of the article (who was not a Christian) said that for most men, this practice is the rule, not the exception. And what was particularly interesting about his article is that he specified the reel’s “contents” as primarily being composed of memories from past relationships, not random visual images of women they’d seen on t.v.

After reading this article I decided to ask my own husband if this was true. Do men really do this? My husband confessed that it’s an ever-present temptation, but for men like him it is only that: a temptation. He works hard to guard against allowing those images to creep in when he is trying to focus on me alone. Even so, the temptation is there.

Having this information, I first wanted to share it with my single friends who are navigating the rough waters of physical intimacy before marriage. Until you have actually said the words “I do,” you don’t know if the person you are with is the person you will actually marry. Which means you risk featuring yourself on the highlight reel of some other person’s marriage. But even more troubling is that your physical intimacy before marriage will haunt you later on in your own marriage as well. For men, it is a constant struggle to command your thoughts and be present with your wife. For women, the memories of past physical relationships can also be a problem in the bedroom but in an entirely different way. Unlike men, who have to resist using these images to excite themselves, the memories of the past often have the reverse effect on a woman’s arousal: hitting the breaks.

So if you want to guard against the ghosts of boyfriends and girlfriends past, watch what you do now. You cannot unsee things. Once they enter your brain, they are there forever.

And in case it’s unclear why this is such a big deal, the first reason is obvious–it is extremely hurtful if your partner is mentally with someone else while you are together. But the main reason the highlight reel is so dangerous is that it hinders intimacy. Not only does it bring other people into a space that is designed for a husband and wife to share alone, but it also invites a standard of comparison. Intimacy cannot thrive if a man (or woman) is constantly comparing their spouse to past partners, even if the comparison is unintentional.

Unlike the writer of the article, who felt this phenomenon was completely natural and that us women should not be threatened by it, he is sorely mistaken, if not grossly naive. The highlight reel is just one example of why sin is so dangerous. It is not a finite action that we can tuck away and forget about when it’s over. Sin is like a virus that affects every part of your life, and though it may sometimes lie dormant for a time, it will always cause sickness and harm. So if you’re single, guard your future marriage today. And if you’re married, encourage your husband in this battle by guarding what you watch on t.v. and in movies. No matter where you are on the relationship spectrum, be the kind of sister in Christ who encourages her brothers to think only on that which is noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. (Phil. 4:8) It is a call that begins in singleness, but will continue the rest of your life.

After my last post I received a comment that I really want to respond to because it raised an excellent question: How does female leadership relate to submission in Christian marriage? The commenter also wondered if our constructs of marriage are at all culturally based. These are truly important questions, and the answer to the second one is both a yes and a no.

One of the dangers of applying a passage of Scripture incorrectly is that it often leads people to conclude that the passage itself is altogether invalid. This has often been the case with Bible verses on submission and roles within marriage. These verses are not only universally true, but are beneficial for marriage (and women, I might add!), however our interpretations of them have often been so mangled by culture that it is tough to distinguish one from the other.

That said, I want to back up and briefly and explain what marriage should look like according to the Bible. And by that I mean I am going to spend little time talking about application (which tends to be more cultural) and most of my time talking about purpose. First I’ll begin with male headship and the spiritual leadership of men, and then I’ll take a look at what this means for women.

Male Headship

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. – Ephesians 5:23

The idea that the husband is to be the “head” of the home has often been misinterpreted as a type of power play. However, to interpret this verse in such a manner is to totally ignore the majority of the verse. We can only have a proper understanding of “head” by looking at Christ. And what do we see? We see a kind of leadership that is exercised through service and sacrifice. In other words, men signify themselves as head of the home by choosing to lay themselves down for their family, sometimes in ways that can be humiliating.

(I emphasized the word “choosing” because it is not the job of the wife to force humility upon her husband. Rather, there are times when a husband may choose to serve his wife in ways that the world would tell him he is above doing, or that it is his wife’s job to do, such as cooking meals, changing dirty diapers, etc.)

The second implication of this verse is that men are to exercise a type of spiritual leadership that models Christ’s example to the church. While the analogy is not a perfect one since men are not divine, and both the husband and wife should seek to model Christ through their lives, it is the relationship between Christ and the church that we are nevertheless seeking to display. What this means is that the husband is given the responsibility for setting the spiritual pace of the relationship. In the same way that the church looks to Christ as an example, women should marry men to whom they can look up to as an example. If the husband is not a Christian or is less mature than his wife, then the couple will fail to demonstrate this relationship between Christ and the church as taught in Scripture.

That is not to say that the husband and wife cannot be equally mature in their faith. While my husband is certainly the spiritual leader, it’s not because he is necessarily more mature but because he works hard to be intentional about setting the spiritual climate and direction of our marriage. In addition to this, my husband primarily models his “headship” in the ways that he serves me. He puts my interests before his. He hops up to get me a glass of water so that I can stay in my seat. He cleans the dishes because he knows that I don’t like to. He empowers me in my calling to serve God. And he does all this, not because he’s “whipped,” not because he’s a doormat, and not because I demand to be treated like a princess, but because he desires to model Christ’s sacrificial love and service so radically that I will be encouraged all the more in my own love for Christ.

It is service and sacrifice, not absolute authority, that model Christ. While the world believes strength is displayed by force, Christ redefines strength as meekness, faith in God, and unconditional love. Any definition of headship that overlooks these attributes is definitively cultural.

Women’s Leadership

The other question of the commenter relates to women and leadership. Although we hear a lot of talk about men being the spiritual leaders, does this mean that women should not be leaders? Well as Paul would say, by no means!!! If you are a Christian, you are called to be a leader. You can either be a sheep and follow the cultural tide, or you can be a leader and stand against it. This leadership can manifest itself in different ways–from teaching a small group, to directing a ministry, to leading in mercy and compassion, or leading a person to Christ–but it is something that every single Christian is called to, regardless of gender.

The reason that male leadership is emphasized in marriage is because of the picture that marriages display. The ULTIMATE purpose of marriage, above ALL ELSE, is to model the relationship between Christ and the church. Why is this so important? Because most people don’t want to give up their lifestyles to follow Christ, so we model for them the freedom and joy that comes in submitting to one who loves you so much he will lay himself down for you. Our marriages can spark the imaginations of a people who cannot conceive of such a love.

And in response to one final question–Is there a time when men submit to women?–I would have to say yes. If a female police officer pulls a man over for speeding, he darn well better submit to her authority. There may also be times in a marriage when a husband chooses to submit to his wife in an area that he knows she is more knowledgeable about (If, for example, the wife has her MBA but the husband knows nothing about finance, he may defer to her on some financial matters).

There is not an exact formula (as I described in my last post), but Scripture gives a lot of helpful directives that we are wise to heed. The main goal is that the overriding picture of your marriage models the relationship between Christ and the church, the husband serving as the spiritual head and the woman honoring him as the church honors Christ. This requires that you first submit yourselves to God, setting your own agendas aside and seeking that which glorifies Him most greatly. You should be far more concerned with honoring God as much as possible than making sure you get yours.

And as a final caution to those of us who are married and are seeking to live this out, be careful about how you judge the marriages of others. It is all too easy to judge a marriage that looks different than your own, but we often deceive ourselves as to how profoundly the culture, and more importantly our pride, has influenced our own understandings of marriage and family. Do not forfeit the integrity of Scripture by condemning those whose marriages do not conform to yours. While Scripture has certainly given us boundaries, some are less clear than others, and we are all different parts of One Body seeking to honor God as best we know how.

Last week my husband’s small group discussed Ephesians 5 and they had a fascinating discussion about submission that I want to share with you today. The whole conversation began after reading verse 22–Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord–after which one of the group members asked the following insightful question:

“Is there ever a circumstance in which a woman should disobey this command?”

By this, he was asking whether a woman should submit to her husband even if he asks her to do something sinful or if he is abusing her.

I particularly like the wording of his question because it reveals a gaping hole in the way I have traditionally taught this passage. While Scripture does teach wives to submit to their husbands, it is also clear that a woman should not sin by bringing a third party into the bedroom, nor should she permit her husband to beat her or force himself upon her sexually. That said, I simply threw out Ephesians 5:22 if any of the above circumstances applied. Unfortunately in doing so, my interpretation implied a rather low view of Scripture–I essentially concluded that some Biblical commands trump this one.

Scripture, however, does not work that way. It does not contradict itself. Nor should any passage be interpreted in such a way that would either lead us to sin should we adhere to it perfectly, or simply be discarded at times.

With this in mind, there has to be a slightly more nuanced way of interpreting this passage, and my husband pointed out something that was very helpful to me. The context of this immediate passage begins in verse 15. Because a lot of Bible interpretations divide the paragraph up between verse 15 and verse 22, it doesn’t appear that the two are connected but they are. Verse 15 marks a major transition in Paul’s argument, which is followed by a series of commands, including verse 22.

And what does verse 15 say? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise.” The command to submit appears underneath this larger command to be wise. My husband therefore suggested that verse 15 should serve as the dominating paradigm of interpretation for the entire passage. In other words, the big picture of Paul’s message is to live wisely, in such a way that is conducive towards unity and a powerful witness. And one way that wives can do that is by honoring and respecting their husbands through the act of submission.

As humans, we like our teachings to be black and white. It’s easier that way. However this more nuanced approach to submission is necessary. By reading the passage within the larger context, women are advised to submit to their husbands, but they are also given the freedom to not submit when it is unwise to do so, without disobeying Scripture or flat-out contradicting Paul.

Does this give women license to submit when it convenient but resist their husbands when it’s not? Of course not. Submission is wise because it encourages your husband as a leader, even as he makes mistakes along the way. It also testifies to the relationship of sacrificial love and profound trust between Christ and the church. You should seek to model this relationship whenever possible. However, if your husband asks you to engage in a behavior that is a blatant contradiction of other parts of Scripture and will cause spiritual or physical harm to yourself, then it is clearly unwise to submit. To submit in such circumstances is to violate the heart of Paul’s message, as well as the heart of God.

Finally, this perspective reminds us that how we treat our husbands is not only in our hands, but a matter on which we’ll be held accountable. Wives are not to submit to their husbands simply because Scripture commands us to blindly obey, but because we are seeking to be women of wisdom. Submission is just one of the many ways that we can exercise wisdom in our marriages and our lives.

In recent weeks I have spent countless hours scouring the internet for places to live around Deerfield, IL. The cost of living up there is significantly higher, which means Ike and I are going to have to downsize. One of the casualties of this step down–we will no longer have a bathroom that’s big enough for two sinks. This past year we were lucky enough to find an apartment with two sinks in the master bathroom, and I have to admit it’s one of my favorite things about the place. I don’t know how Ike manages to get toothpaste on both the faucet AND mirror, nor do I understand why the drain is so clogged that the water just stands still in the sink. What I do know is that I LOVE having my own, clean, pretty sink all to myself.

But those days are coming to an end. Soon enough, we will be sharing sinks. Oh the suffering.

As I have examined my feelings about the change, I’ve realized that I wouldn’t have had such strong emotions about the sharing of a sink had I never experienced the privilege of having my own sink in the first place. It’s like once you have your own sink, you can’t go back.

Interestingly, there’s actually a psychological reason for the high value I have placed on my sink, and it was described in a book entitled Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces that Shape Our Decisions. Written by a professor of Behavioral Economics at MIT named Dan Ariely, the book examines this phenomenon of possession: “When we own something–whether it’s a car or a violin, a cat or a basketball ticket–we begin to value it more than other people do.” In other words, when we possess something, we perceive it as being more valuable than we did before we possessed it.

To demonstrate this point, Ariely did a case study of Duke students who camped out for basketball tickets. After the lottery determining who got tickets and who didn’t, Ariely interviewed students who won tickets, as well as students who lost. And his findings were fascinating! When he interviewed a student who lost the lottery, and asked how much he’d be willing to pay for a ticket if provided with the opportunity, the student wouldn’t go higher than $175. Although the game would be a great experience, he could think of better ways to use the money while simply watching the game on t.v.

Ariely then interviewed a lottery winner, and asked how much he’d be willing to sell his ticket for. First the student said that he didn’t have a price–this was a once in a lifetime opportunity that he could tell his kids and grandkids about! But when pressed, his minimum asking price was $2400.

In total, Ariely interviewed more than 100 students. On average, the students without a ticket were willing to pay $170 for one. However, the average student who did have a ticket would accept no less than $2400. And among all the phone calls Ariely made, not a single student was willing to sell a ticket at a price that anyone was willing to pay. The author’s explanation of this was plain and simple: an aversion to loss. As a general rule, whatever we possess, we want to keep. Whether it’s a basketball ticket, or your own personal sink.

So why am I bringing all of this up? Because Ariely’s study demonstrates two important spiritual principles:

1. The more earthly treasures we add to our lives, the more important they become to us. For instance, when I was in college I lived in a teeny tiny dorm room and I was perfectly content! Now that I live in a two bedroom apartment, I can’t even imagine living in such a confined space. Our possessions are not simply a matter of stewardship but the state of our hearts. Possessions can change our hearts so radically that we literally cannot imagine living without them.

2. Our aversion to loss of possessions can ultimately hinder our relationship with God. When we lose something important to us, whether it be a job, a house, a loved one, our health, or our dreams, it’s tempting to feel that God has taken something from us. He has betrayed us, failed to make good on His promises. This temptation towards bitterness occurs because of the phenomenon Ariely describes. It also explains why Christians across the world are able to live in poverty yet still love God without bitterness. While they certainly desire health and safety, there is not always the same sense of entitlement. One is less inclined to feel that God has taken something from you if you never had it in the first place.

Ariely’s study therefore presents us with a warning. Our hearts are predisposed to instantly grip themselves around our possessions. In a very real way, we will come to value our possessions much more highly than we did before we had them. There’s almost no going back. So be discerning about what you own, and also be discerning about how your relationship to your possessions can ultimately impact your relationship with God. What seems like a gift may one day serve as a wedge between you and the Giver.

**And on a totally unrelated note, if you have any connections in the Deerfield area and can help me and my husband find a place to live, shoot me a line!!

As today is Mother’s Day, I wanted to write something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now and is also relevant to the holiday. Over the last few months I’ve had the privilege of doing ministry at my church with women who, by and large, are young moms. During that time I have also noticed a trend that is worrying to me. Whenever one of these young mothers attended a meeting or event in which she simply could not find childcare for her little one(s), she felt the need to apologize…profusely.

I know this seems like a strange thing to worry about, and it has nothing to do with the mothers themselves but everything to do with a culture that compels mothers to feel they need to apologize for the presence of their children. But first, let me back up to where this is all coming from.

When I was in seminary I had a professor that completely changed my thinking on the presence of children in public settings. Before taking her class I was easily irritated by the sound of a child making noise during worship. However, my seminary prof had a totally different perspective. She was very pro-family and warned against the workplace’s unfriendly stance towards children and mothers. In an effort to resist this cultural trend, she informed her students that if any of them had trouble finding childcare, their children were more than welcome in class. She would not be bothered by the sounds of children as she taught.

(During that same period I was also fortunate to have a prof who would sometimes bring his infant to class and sit her on the table in front of him as he taught. We loved it!)

These experiences in seminary changed my entire perspective on children, specifically in the realm of hospitality. They also compelled me to look more critically at our society’s view towards children. We are a production-driven culture that often measures the value of a child’s presence upon whether they can contribute to or hinder our work. And this mindset has certainly infiltrated the church! I once heard about a woman who had to bring her twin babies to small group because she couldn’t find childcare. After the meeting, another member took the woman aside and informed her that it was inappropriate to bring them. The young mother never came back.

So while it is by no means wrong for parents to have time apart from their children to focus or relax, nor should we eliminate children’s worship services so that we can all worship together, I can’t help but wonder if parents should feel pressured to cordon off their kids, especially by Christians. Our approach to children often looks more like that of the disciples in Matthew 19 who treated the children as unwelcome, in contrast with the loving hospitality of Christ.

So to all the young mothers out there, if you’ve ever been made to feel unwelcome or out of place in the church because of your children, it is the church’s treatment of you that is misplaced, not your children. Your children are unconditionally precious gifts, whether they’re at home with a babysitter or sitting on your lap during worship. You don’t need to apologize.

And for those of you who work or serve with young mothers, let us distinguish ourselves from the culture in how we welcome them! Yes, it’s important to hear the pastor preach without being drowned out by a shrieking child, but also check your spirit when thinking inhospitable thoughts towards them. For one thing, you don’t know the woman’s situation–she could be a single mom, or perhaps her child is recovering from a cold and can’t be in childcare. But wouldn’t we much rather that she and her child worship God or attend small group together, than not come at all?

Let us be a community that appreciates mothers and their children! Let us treat children with hospitality! Not just when they’re ours, and not just in the “appropriate” settings, but unconditionally.

And to every mother out there, young and slightly less young,

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since Ike and I became engaged we started working out together. I should note that I did not go to the gym regularly at any point in my life until I married someone to whom it was important, so I’m still adjusting to this new activity in my schedule. For the most part I really enjoy it, but there’s one thing that is kind of frustrating about it–you can’t take a week off. At least, not really. As you probably know, muscle strength isn’t something that you can store up. If you don’t continue to build your strength, or at the very least maintain it, you’ll lose it. So while a week off won’t erase ALL the work I’ve done, I can’t expect to return to the gym with quite the same degree of strength. There will be a small amount of deterioration.

Interestingly, our spiritual lives are a lot like that. We tend to think of spiritual knowledge as something that we learn and then file away in the same way that a computer stores data. But spiritual growth isn’t really like that. It’s more like building muscle. If you step away from communing with the Holy Spirit, your spiritual growth will stop, and then start to whither.

Another helpful way of thinking about this is to remember the Israelites in the desert. In Exodus 16, God sustained the Israelites by providing them with a funny substance to eat called “manna.” Here’s an excerpt from the story:

Then the LORD said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.” Then Moses said to them, “No one is to keep any of it until morning.” However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. (16:4-5, 19-20)

Our time with the Lord, our spiritual bread, is just like that manna. While we can certainly store away knowledge about God, it’s our intimacy with Him and our growth in the Spirit that doesn’t keep. It’s essentially got an expiration date on it–not in the sense that you will lose your salvation if you go too many days without spending time with God–but you can’t expect to experience the fruits of God’s presence if you’re never actually in His presence.

That’s one of the traps I hear a lot of Christians fall into when they remove themselves from Christian fellowship and time in the Word, claiming, “I was raised in the church. I already know all of that stuff.” Unfortunately, that knowledge is about as useful to you as knowing that manna is nourishing, yet refusing to eat it.

That is why it is crucial to spend time with God every day, reading His Word and talking to Him in prayer. The main point of your quiet time is not learning some new insight or blessing. Yes, those things may come, but if that’s your main goal then a quiet time will seem like wasted time when you don’t glean those things. The main point of a daily time with God is just that–time with God. God, not knowledge about God, is your spirit’s daily manna. If you skip a day you may not notice a difference, in the same way that someone can skip a meal without much fuss. But if you skip too many meals your spirit will eventually starve, no matter how much knowledge about God you might have.