Since Tuesday, Ike and I have been staying in New Bern, NC where, later today, Ike will preside over the wedding of a close college friend. The bride’s family generously invited us to come early and stay at the house where the wedding will be held, so we have spent the last few days enjoying the gorgeous scenery and quality time with friends here. If you’ve never been to New Bern, it’s worth a trip–it’s a BEAUTIFUL place!

One of my favorite things about my time here has been the quiet mornings. Even as I write this, I am sitting outside while everyone else inside sleeps. I’m drinking a cup of coffee, watching the sun rise, and looking out on a giant, peaceful river. I wish I could stay here forever! It’s been just the thing I needed to have some great time with the Lord, and I’ve really been able to drink it in.

Ironically, one of the passages God has brought to my attention during these quiet mornings is a verse in Proverbs about self-control. I say “ironically” because the last few days have been about anything BUT self-control. If you’re from the South, you probably know what I’m talking about. Since Tuesday, we have eaten and eaten and EATEN! Two nights ago we had seafood, and every square inch of the fish, shrimp, scallops and oysters had been fried within an inch of its life. We have been so well fed for breakfast, lunch and dinner, with rich and tasty desserts following almost every meal. I feel like a turkey being fattened for Thanksgiving, and it has been delightful!

Granted, this week is a celebration so I don’t want to detract from the festivities with my guilt issues about food. Nevertheless, the combination of massive eating and my meditations on Proverbs 25:28 has been interesting. This particular verse explains,

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.

I actually wrote on this passage a few years ago so I won’t reiterate those points here. The lesson that stood out to me most this time was the reminder that self-control is a fruit of the spirit.

For some reason, that truth was a convicting one to me. I have written a lot about self-control over the years, but I have tended to think of it more as a virtue than a work of God in the heart of a believer. While the former perspective views self-control as a general good, the latter perspective views self-control as essential.

When I fail to exercise self-control in what I eat, what I watch on t.v., what I look at on the internet, and what I talk about with my friends, that is a spiritual issue. I often fail to make this connection because the absence of self-control is not always linked to a sin. For instance, it’s not wrong for me to have an extra helping of dessert and it’s not a sin for me to log onto Facebook any number of times a day.

But therein lies the importance of self-control. It goes deeper than the overt face value of an action, and instead looks at the heart. Self-control asks: What is at the root of my inability to abstain from excess? What insecurity or passion is driving my actions, rather than surrender to God?

Those are the questions raised by the fruit of self-control. Self-control is ultimately the difference between surrendering to God or surrendering to the flesh. You are driven either by the Holy Spirit or by your passions.

One area where self-control does get tricky is the topic of food. While many Christians struggle to exercise self-control with their portions, eating disorders should not be understood as evidence of this spiritual fruit. Eating disorders are frequently a symptom of over-controlling, and in those instances the absence of self-control is manifested in the inability to stop controlling. Gripped by fear and the need to control, this individual cannot NOT control. In relation to food, it is difficult for these individuals to simply be, to simply trust God and enjoy His creation. In the same way that some people can’t resist food or gossip or pornography, some people can’t resist control.

Eating disorders also raise the important point that self-control exists within a larger context. This context consists of the spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness (Gal. 5:22-23). Each one of these virtues is inextricably tied to one another, so the goal is not self-control for self-control’s sake. Self-control should help you to love yourself, God and others better. It should help maintain your peace and joy in Christ. It ensures that you are a person of gentleness, as opposed to one of reflexive anger and judgment.

This weekend I will certainly enjoy the good food of this wedding celebration, but I will try to do so as a choice and not a compulsion. At the heart of it all, that is what self-control is about: choice. It’s easy to go through each day without considering the weight of our actions and what they say about our faith. But each day is full of choices. We can surrender to God or surrender to the flesh. And while that prospect is intimidating, self-control is not rooted in the self at all. As Galatians teaches, it is a fruit of the Spirit that begins first with God. As I aim to practice this fruit more consistently, my beginning point has been and will continue to be prayer.

Every time I read through Proverbs there are a few select proverbs that, as a wife, I read with fear and trembling. Proverbs 27:15-16 is one of them:

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

Doesn’t that description sound awful? I never want to be the kind of wife who can only be described as a continual “dripping!” What woman would??

I’ve read those verses for years as a cautionary tale, but this week I read them from a slightly different perspective: one of empathy. No woman WANTS to be a nagging wife, but it happens to most of us at one time or another. Which begs the question: How did the woman of this proverb become such a quarrelsome wife? What can I learn from her?

As I thought about this question, I remembered a blog I wrote last summer called Why It’s Hard to End an Argument. In it I shared the following research about how women respond to conflict biologically:

When you get into a fight, your heart starts pounding and your stomach clenches, thereby sending signals to the brain that say, “You are angry! Get angry!” For both men and women, it takes about 2 seconds for this system to kick in. We are able to engage at about the same speed.

However, it takes longer for women to turn that system off. As the argument winds down, a man’s body will slowly relax, signaling to his brain that all is well again and he can go to sleep in peace. A woman’s body, on the other hand, remains upset longer. Her body is still tense and her heart is still racing, so her brain thinks, “I must still be upset.”

As a result of this biological wiring, it’s harder for women to simply let an argument go. The fight might be over, but our bodies are telling our brains, “You’re still upset about something! Stay mad! Don’t let him off the hook.” We may even find things to get upset about, dragging the argument out even further.

It’s funny how you can write something and then completely forget about it a few months later, because this info would have come in REALLY handy a couple days ago. I was upset with my husband about something and I could NOT let it go! I was so hurt and frustrated that I kept bringing the issue up over and over again, beating the horse long after it was dead.

But when reading Proverbs 27:15-16 in conjunction with the above research, it’s easy to see how women can easily become “quarrelsome.” When we are upset about something, it takes awhile for our bodies to physically calm down, which makes us very difficult to “restrain.” That reality also led me to reinterpret the second half of the proverb. I had always read it as a warning to men, but it could easily be directed at women. When I get upset, it is VERY difficult to restrain myself, even when I know that I need to calm down.

So rather than read Proverbs 27:15-16 from a position of judgment, this proverb is a fantastic window into the mind and heart of a woman. Women aren’t quarrelsome because we have nothing better to do than nag our husbands and be controlling. Sometimes we are quarrelsome because it is physically difficult to rein in our emotions. Our argumentativeness is often the result of not knowing how to properly process how we’re feeling. And while that hard-wiring does not free me to indulge my feelings and sin in my anger, my knowledge of it does set me free from being ruled by those feelings.

A couple months ago Ike and I realized that we’re probably going to be in the Chicago area for awhile, so we began to pray about buying our first house. Since then, we have visited a lot of condos and townhouses, run the numbers and talked through what we can/should buy.

The whole process has been an eye-opening experience for me. Before this journey began, when I looked at houses I would see  them in terms of personal preference; now I just see dollar signs. And in some ways that change of perspective is symbolic of the temptations this process holds. Houses easily become status symbols since other home-buyers have a fairly good idea of what you spent. And while I never thought I would be affected by that dynamic, I have noticed a subtle pressure to stretch our money as far as it can possibly go.

As I have examined my heart in all of this, I have noticed some old idols from the past that I thought I’d left behind. In particular, it’s striking to me how similar home-buying is to dating. Inherent in both is the temptation to get carried away by my imagination about the future. And as a result of this day-dreaming and planning, my heart slowly wraps itself around those future plans and begins to depend on them for joy and satisfaction. In the past, I drew confidence and security from my relationship status and the future I thought it would provide me. Today, I am tempted to draw similar confidence and security from owning a beautiful home, especially one that others would envy.

It’s kind of funny to me that these two completely separate pursuits are fraught with the same temptations. But it should not be surprising. That is the nature of any “pursuit” that requires such time and personal investment. When you pour yourself, your future and your schedule into any one person or activity, it’s easy to lose your point of reference. The thing you would “like” morphs into something you “need” and then something you “can’t live without.” And when this happens, your initially well-intentioned pursuit succumbs to blatant idolatry.

So whether you are currently in the process of dating, buying a home, designing the perfect nursery or picking a school for your kids, be aware of the pitfalls inherent in these pursuits. As John Calvin once said, our hearts are like “idol factories” that constantly search after something other than God for security, confidence, peace and joy. So check your heart and be honest about your motives. What is driving you? What is your source of refuge and hope? Is there any part of your pursuit that is driven by a desire to make others jealous? Are you spending your time and money in a way that still enables you to be generous to God and others? And most importantly, if you fail to obtain the object of your pursuit, is Christ still enough for you? I’ve had to continually ask myself those questions throughout this process, and I suspect I will continue to the rest of my life.

Well it’s been one of those weeks! I am having a crazy busy few days getting my work done for school and other commitments, which has left me little time to blog. I have lots of thoughts to share with you all from what I’ve been learning–just no time to write them down. Until then, I’m reposting a blog I wrote over a year ago that continues to challenge me.

The Path Principle urges us to think of our lives more holistically, and consider the consequences of our decisions. Just last week, my husband and I were talking about the kinds of habits we are forming in our home right now (such as how much t.v. we watch) and how that will affect our parenting. That’s the Path Principle. Direction determines destination, which means that good parenting begins long before a baby is ever born. Great food for thought!

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Last Spring Andy Stanley, Pastor of North Point Church in Atlanta, preached a sermon that altogether encompassed an idea I’ve been trying and failing to articulate over the last several months. He called it the Path Principle, and the idea is simple:

Direction determines destination.

He began by explaining that if you were to get on I-95 and head North, you won’t get to Florida. No matter what your intentions may be, no matter how fast or diligently you drive, you are headed away from Florida, not towards it. With that in mind, destination is not about intentions. You can make a decision with all the good intentions in the world, but if it’s headed in the wrong direction, it won’t take you where you want to go.

Stanley based his sermon off of Proverbs 7, in which Solomon watches a young man as he foolishly steps into the house of an adulteress. In the young man’s mind, however, he thinks this is a fabulous idea! Her husband is away, she has just returned from presenting her sin offering (that is, she paid God off or “got right with God” so that she could go sin without consequences), and she had an intoxicating night of love planned just for him.

And like the “throng” of men who had gone before him, he went inside thinking how lucky he was, that he could somehow pull this off without facing any consequences. He was the “exception” to the rule, he thought.

But Solomon notes that this man is not the exception; he is the rule. And this path that he is on, it’s a highway. Countless men have gone before him thinking the exact same thing. And just like those other men, he walked into his fate as a “an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life.” (7:22-23)

This young man thought he was making a one-time decision. He thought there wouldn’t be consequences. But this wasn’t just a decision, it was a path, and it placed him in a direction that led toward his personal destruction.

This story, and Stanley’s application of it, have captivated me. The more I read Proverbs the more I see the analogy re-affirmed. All over the place there is language of taking the “path” or “way” of righteousness or death. It places our daily actions within a more holistic framework, giving them the appropriate weight they are due, rather than brushing them off as “not that big of a deal” or “God can use it somehow.”

As a minister to women of all ages, I can’t think of a better strategy for making life decisions. It’s applications are so incredibly far-reaching! When talking to young women about dating or sex, the conversation shouldn’t merely be about what rules they’re breaking, what they can or can’t get away with. It’s instead about the path they are taking. If you date a non-Christian, you’re walking on a path of destruction. If you’re having sex with your boyfriend, then you’re on a path of destruction. If you’re flirting with physical boundaries, or maybe you’re flirting with the attractive married man in your office–these are not isolated actions. Each one of those choices is a path in a particular direction. It doesn’t matter how noble or innocent your intentions, because intentions are irrelevant. And you are not the exception, you are the rule.

Other areas of application…

Parenting–If your destination is to raise godly children, then get off the path of over-scheduling them with so many activities that church is no longer the top priority.

Money–If your destination is to be a good steward of your money, then get off the path of living beyond your means

Healthy Body Image–If your destination is to have a healthy respect for the beauty of your body as God created it, then get off the path of constantly consuming lies about true beauty by reading the magazines and watching the t.v. shows that project them (Side Note: I’m going to write a blog about this whole air-brushing scandal very soon!)

Intimacy with God–If your destination is having a living, growing relationship with God, then get off the path of church shopping, consuming your church instead of serving it, and refusing to make a daily devotion a priority in your schedule.

And the list goes on and on. But all of that to say, examine the decisions you are making right now about your life, and do the math. What path are you on, and where is it going to take you? Not where do you hope it will take you, but where does Scripturesay it will take you? That’s your answer.

I will be the first to admit that I use Facebook as a way to stay connected to people. In fact, ever since moving to Chicago I’ve posted more status updates and commented on other people’s pages more than I ever have before! It’s helped me to feel like I’m still a part of my friends’ lives even though I’m far away. It’s an outlet for interacting with them in their every day lives.

Having said that, there is a growing trend in the Facebook/Twitter world that has captured my attention more and more. I’ve written about these social media in previous posts such as Fakebook and Another Reason Why I’m Not on Twitter, but this post regards a trend of a different sort. It is the pattern of tweeting/posting status updates at–what I would consider to be–inappropriate times.

This trend first grabbed my attention when I noticed status updates that occurred while people were on dates with their spouses, spending time with their families, or even on their wedding night. Technology has taken a lot of blame for stealing our attention away from real, flesh and blood relationships, and this seemed to be a prime example. If you’ve ever been in the presence of someone who is texting while you’re trying to have a conversation with them, you know how this feels. We may be with someone physically, but Twitter/texting can prevent us from actually BEING with them.

In addition to this trend, I’ve also begun to notice the practice of tweeting about deeply personal, intimate moments. Although I understand the desire to share what’s going on in your life with your community, Twitter has become a window into private moments and experiences that, in the past, would have been reserved for God and family.

For months now I have pondered this and wondered what it indicates about our culture. What does it mean when we no longer have private moments? What does it means when we’re constantly thinking about how to describe what we’re doing to a watching world in 140 characters or less?

Well this past week I had a revelation. It came as I read a philosopher who stressed the importance of privacy and isolation in the life of an individual. As he explained it, we are constantly being shaped by influences around us that we many not even recognize. What’s more, some of these influences can be rather destructive forces in our lives. Unfortunately, as long as we remain submerged in the culture–as long as we’re constantly bombarding ourselves with images from t.v., political ideas from our preferred news outlet, or even spending all our time with our friends–we don’t have any space to step back and scrutinize it. Because we don’t allow ourselves much separation from the culture to be with God and our family and close friends, we don’t have the distance to ask ourselves:

How am I being influenced?

As Christians, this is a critical question that we should always be asking. Both inside and outside the church there are ungodly influences that threaten the integrity of our discipleship and the authenticity of our faith. And as long as we are constantly putting our lives on display through social media, we will live according to the inevitable temptations that such visibility bring. Rather than setting aside some private time to get real with God or the people with whom we can truly be ourselves, we will constantly be subjecting ourselves to the opinions and judgments of others, and we are sure to be shaped by that pressure.

Even in the church, our community can be mighty persuasive in detrimental ways. When we are constantly operating under the need for the world to think we have the best marriage or the greatest relationship with God, or if we feel an unrelenting pressure to set an example or conform to a certain expectation, then our faith will struggle to be truly authentic. As horrible an existence as that sounds, we willingly subject ourselves to that rat race when we mishandle social media. In doing so, we haven’t lost privacy; we’ve given it away. And as a result, we may become shallow Twitter Christians who can’t turn off our need to perform.

I don’t even HAVE Twitter and I feel it that urge sometimes–that voice inside me that says, “I want to tell all my friends about this cool experience I’m having right now!” instead of being there in the moment and maximizing that time with my husband. It’s not that the urge to share good news with friends is a bad thing, but that urge is a constant nag in my life that indicates some misplaced priorities in my own heart.

That is why I offer yet another caution to be wise  about social media. As I have said before, technology can certainly be used for good so this is not a blanket statement against Twitter and Facebook, but please be discerning. Below I have jotted down a few diagnostics to check your motives as you seek to use technology in a way that is honoring to both God and your relationships. These help keep my own heart in check, so I hope they might encourage you as well:

• Make sure that Twitter is not an extension of your need to people-please.
• Don’t use Twitter (or texting) as an escape from the sometimes hard and unglamorous work of being with your family or God.
• Don’t allow Twitter to keep you in a constant place of superficial engagement with others. It’s hard to have real relationships when you’re always thinking of your life as a reality show to be displayed.
• And finally, be sure to seek validation and solace from God first. A moment can be just as joyful or satisfying without the listening ears of 1,000 Twitter followers to hear it. An audience of One is all you need.

In recent weeks I have spent countless hours scouring the internet for places to live around Deerfield, IL. The cost of living up there is significantly higher, which means Ike and I are going to have to downsize. One of the casualties of this step down–we will no longer have a bathroom that’s big enough for two sinks. This past year we were lucky enough to find an apartment with two sinks in the master bathroom, and I have to admit it’s one of my favorite things about the place. I don’t know how Ike manages to get toothpaste on both the faucet AND mirror, nor do I understand why the drain is so clogged that the water just stands still in the sink. What I do know is that I LOVE having my own, clean, pretty sink all to myself.

But those days are coming to an end. Soon enough, we will be sharing sinks. Oh the suffering.

As I have examined my feelings about the change, I’ve realized that I wouldn’t have had such strong emotions about the sharing of a sink had I never experienced the privilege of having my own sink in the first place. It’s like once you have your own sink, you can’t go back.

Interestingly, there’s actually a psychological reason for the high value I have placed on my sink, and it was described in a book entitled Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces that Shape Our Decisions. Written by a professor of Behavioral Economics at MIT named Dan Ariely, the book examines this phenomenon of possession: “When we own something–whether it’s a car or a violin, a cat or a basketball ticket–we begin to value it more than other people do.” In other words, when we possess something, we perceive it as being more valuable than we did before we possessed it.

To demonstrate this point, Ariely did a case study of Duke students who camped out for basketball tickets. After the lottery determining who got tickets and who didn’t, Ariely interviewed students who won tickets, as well as students who lost. And his findings were fascinating! When he interviewed a student who lost the lottery, and asked how much he’d be willing to pay for a ticket if provided with the opportunity, the student wouldn’t go higher than $175. Although the game would be a great experience, he could think of better ways to use the money while simply watching the game on t.v.

Ariely then interviewed a lottery winner, and asked how much he’d be willing to sell his ticket for. First the student said that he didn’t have a price–this was a once in a lifetime opportunity that he could tell his kids and grandkids about! But when pressed, his minimum asking price was $2400.

In total, Ariely interviewed more than 100 students. On average, the students without a ticket were willing to pay $170 for one. However, the average student who did have a ticket would accept no less than $2400. And among all the phone calls Ariely made, not a single student was willing to sell a ticket at a price that anyone was willing to pay. The author’s explanation of this was plain and simple: an aversion to loss. As a general rule, whatever we possess, we want to keep. Whether it’s a basketball ticket, or your own personal sink.

So why am I bringing all of this up? Because Ariely’s study demonstrates two important spiritual principles:

1. The more earthly treasures we add to our lives, the more important they become to us. For instance, when I was in college I lived in a teeny tiny dorm room and I was perfectly content! Now that I live in a two bedroom apartment, I can’t even imagine living in such a confined space. Our possessions are not simply a matter of stewardship but the state of our hearts. Possessions can change our hearts so radically that we literally cannot imagine living without them.

2. Our aversion to loss of possessions can ultimately hinder our relationship with God. When we lose something important to us, whether it be a job, a house, a loved one, our health, or our dreams, it’s tempting to feel that God has taken something from us. He has betrayed us, failed to make good on His promises. This temptation towards bitterness occurs because of the phenomenon Ariely describes. It also explains why Christians across the world are able to live in poverty yet still love God without bitterness. While they certainly desire health and safety, there is not always the same sense of entitlement. One is less inclined to feel that God has taken something from you if you never had it in the first place.

Ariely’s study therefore presents us with a warning. Our hearts are predisposed to instantly grip themselves around our possessions. In a very real way, we will come to value our possessions much more highly than we did before we had them. There’s almost no going back. So be discerning about what you own, and also be discerning about how your relationship to your possessions can ultimately impact your relationship with God. What seems like a gift may one day serve as a wedge between you and the Giver.

**And on a totally unrelated note, if you have any connections in the Deerfield area and can help me and my husband find a place to live, shoot me a line!!

Alright ladies, it’s confession time.

Something I have written about in the past and continue to struggle with now is my affinity for shopping. My husband and I aren’t exactly bazillionaires so I don’t go on crazy shopping sprees at high-end stores, but that’s part of the reason I’ve been able to excuse the problem for so long. The habit manifests itself in smaller, more subtle ways. For instance, every time I stroll into Target or run an errand at the mall, I can’t help but leave with some small token of my visit, something that I didn’t know I needed until I saw it.

I have managed to justify some of this behavior with the logic that I want to look good for my husband. He does, after all, appreciate it when I go out of my way to look nice for him. But that is really just a smoke screen for what is probably more like an addiction. I get an emotional boost from buying clothes for myself. I feel better when I look good.

But at the end of the day, this behavior really boils down to idolatry. I am finding satisfaction and confidence in something other than Christ. Rather than find my self-esteem in Christ, I find it in looking trendy. And rather then depending on God during difficult times, I sometimes use shopping as a coping mechanism. Like food, shopping can be something you turn to when you’re down, or even when you’re bored. And as many times as I’ve told myself to cut it off, it keeps coming back. There’s always some excuse for buying something that I “need.” Or, it;s on sale and it’s a “really great deal.”

This pattern has been a problem for awhile now, and I had actually started feeling defeated by it, until I realized something. One morning, out of the blue, it dawned on me, “I’m can fast from shopping for clothes for myself!”

You see, fasting is helpful because it enables you to form a habit of replacing an unhealthy behavior with a healthy one. However, what makes fasting particularly crucial is that it intentional directs you closer to God. If I have to go to Target or the mall for some reason, I pray ahead of time for discipline. When I feel tempted to go wander around some stores because I’m feeling down about myself, I look to God for strength and encouragement. Fasting is an intentional time of replacing the behavior. Instead of simply cutting the behavior out, which leaves a gap in your life to be filled by some other idol, you replace it with a relationship with God.

And to prove that, for me, this fast isn’t just about money, I actually have a gift card that I got for my birthday to one of my favorite stores, but while I fast for this month I am choosing not to use it. For me, it’s less about financial discipline and more about starving the idol of fashion in my heart. Just because the money is there doesn’t make the idol any less rooted in my heart. I aim to cut it off!

So I will be fasting from shopping for clothing, shoes, and accessories for the next month. I already asked my husband to hold me accountable, but I’m also sharing this with you now for the same purpose. My aim here is not to brag about the fact that I’m fasting but to help me stay honest, which is a lot easier when I know people are watching!

Finally, I’m also sharing about my fast because I want to encourage you to consider it as well. Many Christians only fast during Lent, but fasting is intended to be an integral part of the Christian life all throughout the year. It is a heart check that hedges against the idols in your life and helps you to keep focus on God. Practically speaking, fasting is also a great way to stop bad habits and create God honoring ones. Rather than simply say, “I’m going to stop this behavior,” set a goal for yourself, a limited amount of time. To many of us, a limited time period not only seems more manageable but provides us with a more concrete target to hit.

So whether you struggle with shopping, gossip, anger, drinking, or an unhealthy relationship with food, I encourage you to fast from the destructive behavior, especially if you’re like me and feeling a bit helpless about it. Set aside a period of time during which you will intentionally abstain from it and instead depend on the Lord. Then recruit some friends to hold you accountable. Test God it and see what He does! I’m happy to report that it’s been easier than I thought. When I go to Target I have to deliberately avert my eyes from the clothing section (which is sort of depressing to admit) but other than that I haven’t missed it! God is dealing with my idolatry, and I am learning to find greater satisfaction in Him than I did before.

Another one of the most popular blogs I’ve posted was called “Sleeping Over: The Latest Trend in Christian Sketchiness.” This particular post has garnered a lot of attention because it addresses a widespread practice that is rarely discussed by Christian teachers. While some people have disagreed with my stance, I have to say that my experience in the last six months of marriage has affirmed my pre-marriage position (I initially wrote this long before I was married). This is a really important topic that I hope single Christians will carefully consider!

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can’t count the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?” For many of us, we feel like we’re doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way,” so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I’ve done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent–all you’re doing is sleeping together. That’s not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here’s my thought process…

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you’re attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you’re not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren’t Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you’re not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don’t set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don’t have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don’t really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn’t intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things–One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you’re attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it’s a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space.

So I know I’m the last person on earth who still isn’t on Twitter (except for my husband–family solidarity!). In the past I’ve written about the various temptations and pitfalls of social networking sites, not because I’m trying to be Amish but simply discerning. As positive an impact as these technologies have had, there are also temptations as well and we need to talk openly about them.

To check out some of my old posts, go to “What Would Jesus Tweet” and “Fakebook.”

Today I wanna talk about another temptation presented by Twitter (and Facebook, and even this blog, for that matter). But before I do, you have to understand something about me: I have a problem opening my mouth when I should clearly keep it shut. I am a verbal processor and I tend to say whatever pops into my head at the moment. This trait has gotten me into trouble many, many, many times. It has not only led to my own embarrassment, but to the embarrassment of others as well.

In the face of this struggle I have often turned to Proverbs, which is full of advice for someone like me:

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. (13:3)

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. (18:6)

A fool’s mouth is his ruin,and his lips are a snare to his soul. (18:7)

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. (21:23)

…and my personal favorite…

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. (17:28)

The last proverbs has often been re-quoted the following witty way: “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

I have prayed these verses over myself for years. And thanks to God’s grace, I have seen some change. But I also have a long way to go. And that’s a big reason why I’m not on Twitter. With Twitter there is a temptation to immediately post to the world whatever crazy thought comes into my head. And given my track record, this power could easily be misused. Not only would I probably make myself look bad at some time or another, but the temptation to slander another person or cause is immense. Sarcasm does not always translate well.

Christians are certainly guilty of falling to that temptation, not only with Twitter but blogging as well (probably more so with blogging, in fact!). It’s easy to turn a blog into an angry soapbox. Fortunately, the blogging form forces me to stop and process my thoughts rather than post out of reflex, so it has been easier for me to resist speaking out of turn, but that accountability does not exist with Twitter. Your soapbox is ever at your fingertips.

As always, I am not writing this to condemn Twitter in and of itself. I know a lot of people who have used it in both creative and God-honoring ways. However, I also know I’m not the only one who struggles with shooting my mouth off. If you’re like me, just be careful about what you tweet. As the verses from Proverbs remind us, the more times you open your mouth the more likely you are to say something dumb. I for one don’t need one more outlet for making that mistake. Think before you tweet.

As some of you know, I’m now working as a free-lance writer and part-time researcher, which means I get to make my own schedule. Which I love.

The only problem with making my own schedule is that it requires a tremendous amount of discipline, discipline I really don’t have. I’ll sit down to work on a project and then out of the blue I’ll decide to check my facebook for some hair-brained reason. The next thing I know an entire hour has gone by. Poof.

After about a month of this I began to suspect that it was a bigger problem than I’d first given it credit for. But apparently God wanted to make it crystal clear. First I noticed that Ed Stetzer had posted a blog about a recent study on Christian college students and online social networking. You can read more about it on his blog, but apparently “over 30% of Christian college students spend 1-2 hours a day on Facebook alone, with 12% percent going at it for 2-4 hours each day. If you add in Twitter, email, texting, and popular websites we’re looking at a significant investment in the internet in general and social media in particular.” The study then explained,

“It isn’t yet clear whether over-zealous use of computer-based activities will be formally accepted in the U.S. as a distinctive, unique form of addiction. What is clear from our study is that a surprisingly high percentage of Christian students who frequently engage in electronic activities report several troubling negative consequences.”

Stetzer added, “Over half admit that they were ‘neglecting important areas of their life’ due to spending too much time online. Over 12 percent believe that they are addicted to some form of electronic activity. 21 percent felt that their level of engagement with electronic activities at times caused a conflict with their Christian values.”

I think what caught my attention was the language of social networking as a kind of addiction. We tend to equate addiction with drugs or pornography, but obsessively looking at pictures of my friends’ babies? I hadn’t considered that a potential threat.

Then I looked up the definition of addiction: “The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.” Psychologically habit-forming? Bingo. I may not be using facebook to cope with depression, but I’m certainly using it as a mental stimulant when my brain isn’t entertained by my work.

Well God wasn’t done there. A day or two later I saw that John Piper had tweeted (ironically) the following statement: “One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time.”

Ouch. Between the study on social networking and Piper’s words, I was noticing a theme. This isn’t just about procrastination or filling my time with meaningless busyness. This is about being a bad steward of the days I’ve been given. It’s about abusing God’s time.

But God still wasn’t done with me. Yesterday I got on facebook to find that one of my favorite seminary professors had posted a status declaring that she was “going off FB for a while, and I pray that others will do some investigating of their own.”

All of this in one week.

Now I do recognize the irony in reading all these messages on the internet. But I think there’s something to them. I don’t feel compelled to swear off facebook altogether given that it does help me to keep up with old friends as their lives change and grow. But the question is how do we handle these social networking devices in a healthy way? How do we prevent them from controlling us?

Recently Miley Cyrus got off Twitter because she had become more focused on tweeting what was happening in her life than on what was actually happening in her life. I think she makes a good point. I wonder what God thinks about all this virtual noise? We are constantly attached to our blackberries, e-mails, text messages, etc. that I wonder if we’ve blinded ourselves to how self-involved we’ve become. Is that a tactic of the Enemy?

All of these technologies can be used for the Kingdom of God, no doubt. And that’s one of the reasons I would never make a blanket statement about getting rid of them. The question is whether or not we’re actually using them for the Kingdom. Perhaps that is the very filter we should use for our time on facebook and Twitter: “Will God’s glory be advanced by this tweet?” “Am I serving God by spending this much time on facebook?” If I can’t answer yes, then I don’t think it’s worth my time.

Any thoughts out there?